Thursday, July 23, 2020

Going Away...

I think I'm going to go away for a while. To say I'm struggling is an understatement. I've been pretending that everything is okay, but it's not. I've been taking care of others and ignoring what's happening to me. I go on podcasts and I smile and I laugh, hoping nobody notices that I haven't brushed my hair in over a month or that I'm wearing the same shirt that I had on three nights ago.  I correct other people's books but I haven't written anything in months. I'm lonely but don't want to talk to anyone for fear they'll realize what a loser i really am.

I don't remember my last shower. I don't know if the tan on my arm is from the sun or a build up of grime. As I write this, I can feel people being horrified and walking away in disgust.

As I lay in bed writing this, I'm forced to acknowledge that if my bathroom weren't downstairs, I wouldn't get out of bed. Once down there, I stay there because it's easier than going back up the stairs. I go grab dinner because I'm afraid that at some point, I'll be unable to make myself leave.

I see signs of it everywhere... from the scattered Lego to the unwashed laundry...I'm falling apart and I don't know how to save myself. I take what I have and I give it to others. I'm literally putting a piece of me into everything I work on.  I wonder when I'll run out.  I look at my Facebook posts and sometimes wonder if people can tell...

Every thing feels like a big thing and every thing leads my brain down a path of other bad things. I lay in bed at night and relive my mother's abuse, my father's neglect, every broken heart, every time I've felt invisible or not appreciated.

I don't know where I'll go.  Maybe just offline. Nobody wants me with them. I'd be horrible company anyway so I can't blame them.  I don't know if anyone will notice that I'm gone or not answering messages...

I don't know a lot, other than the water calls to me...

Take care of you, my few loyal readers...

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