Sunday, September 16, 2018

So Many Things

Welcoming Weight Loss - So Many Things
So Many Things
Get ready for a very real post. Not to say that any of my posts are fake but this one is pure free writing and there's a chance more could come out then I'm planning. I guess we'll find out together!

A couple of months ago, I wrote about how things had to change for me and for my weight. Tonight, I ate oreos for dinner. Not an entire row or anything, but enough. Why? A combination of reasons:

1. I don't have any money to go and buy groceries before at least Wednesday. That leaves me with whatever is on hand and the two bag meals that are in my freezer to eat.
2. I'm overwhelmed and the thought of attempting to put together anything that isn't an open and eat it package has me hiding.

Why am I so overwhelmed? Let me count the ways....So Many Things...

My house is at hoarder status and I have a furnace that doesn't work. While we don't need it yet, we will soon and due to the condition of the house, I cannot let the landlord know so they can get someone out to fix it. 

In an attempt to help with this, I spent 5 hours tackling a major portion of our living room the other day. Since then, I've been coughing up a storm. I can only assume that I inhaled way too much dust. I pretty much have to wait it out, but it's holding me up from getting down on the floor to tackle the next section. It also makes it hard to sleep which leads me to...

I haven't slept well in about 3.5 weeks because late on August 21st, I got a phone call that my youngest son had been in a car accident. He walked away with just bumps and bruises after his suv rolled, but seeing the accident scene and knowing how easily I could have lost him has been a serious ptsd trigger for me. I have trouble getting to sleep before the early hours of the morning and then my body just wants to sleep all day to make up for it. It's slowly improving but it's led to the fact that...

I'm falling further and further behind on things. I currently have 7 books waiting for proofreading and I'm about 3-6 months behind on the last book on The Tether Saga. The only bonus, if you want to consider it that, is that the co-author of the first two books and the man that owns all of the rights to this series hasn't spoken to me in about six weeks. In fact, I'm fairly certain that he has me muted on FB messenger which is where he wants to communicate. This has added another level of stress to things as it makes me feel as if everything is up in the air regarding that.

Also, since I haven't made any money off of any of the three Tether books that I've already worked on/written, money is a bit of an issue. Well, let's face it, money has always been an issue. I gave up on the idea of working outside of the house due to my own health issues (mental and other) as well as my boys needing me to be available. We get by due to the generosity of a friend who helps me cover things...but suddenly there are more things than usual and it's freaking me out. My current list of things I need money for?

  • Photos of the boys from the photographer who shoots sporting events at the school. He has amazing shots of them and due to their dad no longer doing school photos, I really want these to help record all of the awesome things they've worked so hard at for the past 4 years. (Cost for all of them? About $100)
  • Bills (duh, right?)
  • Cover for my Kindle that the boys went together to buy me before the screen gets ruined.
  • Trash bags...a lot of trash bags...
  • Roger's orchestra fees ...they more than doubled this year and this is a program that he needs to be in. (Cost including all the gas to get him there and back? $1000)
There are other things, like NaNo coming up with classes next month. The classes and then write ins are free, but they're 45 minutes away and at a gas and food. If I dwell on this, I can think of more things...but let's move on...

To what, you ask? Well, that's the problem. I'm so overwhelmed and I'm so frustrated that I'm overwhelmed. I feel as if all I ever do here is write about negative things. I don't think I'm a negative person, but you'd never guess that here, would you? I feel like I need to apologize to all of you for not being this uplifting beacon of hope. I wish that I were, but right now, it feels as if the universe is squashing me.  

When I decided to start tackling my weight issues, things seemed so much more even keel. Then, I decided to face my fears and start tackling my dental issues. Now, I'm sinking but still trying to be all brave with things. I have yet another dental appointment tomorrow morning. This is my 4th in less than 2 months. It sucks but I'm more afraid that if I don't go, I'll never get those problems fixed. As for the rest of it? I just don't know...

I've spent hours trying to figure out a way to make everything better, to make it easier. I've thought about walking away from social media and blogging until I get things under control, but it gets mighty lonely living in the boondocks without any friends. So, I threw that idea out. What I really need to do is clear my plate, but that's tough when some things just need to all be done at once. I can't not do the dental stuff, I can't not work on the house, I can't not get the proofreading done...Those all have to be done right now. I've considered taking a week at a time to dedicate to each of these things..well, not the dental work. Can you imagine going to the dentist every day for a week? That'll cause nightmares...

My current thought? 

Daily "themes"....

Monday - Site work...this has been this way for a few years and I need to keep this routine.
Tuesday - Proofreading before I have to drive the youngest 90 minutes for his sax lesson.
Wednesday - House, focusing first on the living room, then the bathroom, kitchen, laundry room, and studio.
Thursday - Proofreading
Friday - Combination day of light house/football/review work
Saturday - Day of rest (plus things like marching band competitions for the next month)
Sunday - Planning for coming week

Do you notice what isn't anywhere on this schedule? Writing. For the time being, the book has to be on the back burner. I'm not happy about this, but if I want to get through the rest, I don't have much of a choice. If any of you here are fans of the series, I pray that you can be patient. I promise that I will get back to it as soon as possible. The latest? November for NaNo. I'm not starting something new until this is totally finished. 

I suppose the real question is...will this work? The answer? I have no idea. All I can do is try. I can keep trying to be in bed trying to sleep by 2 am and work that back. I can keep sitting and just breathing when it would be easier to have a meltdown. I can appreciate every single moment that I have with both of my boys and not feel guilty when I put everything else to the side to watch tv with them. I can help my youngest make final decisions as to what colleges he's about to apply to. I can do my best to just keep going. 

It may be one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one breath at a time...but I'm going to do my best to just keep going. Somehow, I will handle so many things.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Sick of Being Sick

Sick and Tired
 I've lost track of how much I've said this lately.
I know that I told y'all that I was going to get my act together and start posting weight updates weekly here. I have totally failed at that and I feel an incredible amount of guilt for letting not just you, but me down too. The problem is that my body is letting me down right, left, and center.

Where to start? I know that I posted about going to the dentist last month. The end of June? Anyway, on July 6th, I went and had my first two extractions done. Thanks to the nitrous, I survived. After, I had to go to Walmart.  Why? Because due to laws, they can't give you pain med prescriptions in advance. I'll let you imagine how pleasant of an experience it was to sit there for an hour, starting to drool blood, and waiting for this prescription. Knowing that people were judging me either for how I looked or for the reason why once I explained it to them. I know it shouldn't matter, but when you're already drained emotionally from the process that got you there, it's hard.

The recovery wasn't tragic, but I certainly didn't feel good. Then, just when I was starting to eat real food again and my stomach was starting to recover from the minimal food/motrin combination, I developed another infection. They don't want to bother with an antibiotic, they just want to move up the date to extract the rest of my bad teeth. So, I've been sick with that for over a week now. Low grade fevers, things not tasting good, upset stomach...and the only way to clear it up is to put myself through what I just got out of...which means another week's setback.

I keep telling myself that it will be worth it once it's done, but it's so frustrating. I just want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be able to get things done. I keep falling further and further behind. Even the absolutely must dos are only getting done barely.

As if that wasn't enough, there's been some problems that involve my ex and his wife so I can't talk about them here. It's too public. Let's just say that it's spiked my stress levels insanely high over the past couple of weeks.  The combination of all of this plus a lot of little things had me run, not walk, away from social media. I just couldn't handle people. It's been a week and I'm barely sticking my toes back into that pond.

....and I just caught sight of the time. I have to go to my mammogram and get that done. This being a responsible adult thing is bullshit. I'll be back in a couple of hours to finish writing this...which you won't even realize the break except that I just wrote! ....

....and I'm back! I was squished and squashed and made to hold my breath, but I guess it's okay because she gave me a single square of chocolate afterwards. I'd have rather had a sticker.

So, I've been off of social media for about a week now and while I miss people, I find that I have a very low tolerance for them. As I told someone...For those familiar with the spoon theory, I'm out of every utensil in the drawer and I'm stabbing at things with a stick that is vaguely shaped like a chopstick. It is getting better in some ways and very much not in others.

Just Breathe
A reminder for us all.
Mostly, I'm finding myself missing certain people. The problem is that these people aren't accessible to me and they're what I've dubbed my safe places. They're people that I can just be with. Having them no longer accessible to me makes things worse in some ways. It's harder to handle everything on your own sometimes.

But,that's just what I have to do and what I'm trying to do. For this week that means making sure I have a proper shopping list to prepare for not being able to eat real food this weekend as well as my oldest being here and him needing to eat real food. It means getting myself to all of my medical appointments this week. It also means making sure that I'm where the boys need me to be. It may be a week of baby step after baby step but if that's all I can do, that's all I can.

For now I'm going to curl up with a book for a while (I'm behind on reviews) and hopefully lose myself in its pages before I start on that shopping list...

Friday, July 27, 2018

Dental Health Matters

Dental Health Matters
Why Dental Health Matters
I'm pretty sure that I've talked about my anxiety issues here, but if I haven't, I have some anxiety issues. These stem a lot from my PTSD...yesterday, I realized just how bad it's affecting me.

Due to a variety of reasons, I haven't seen a dentist for any real dental care in approximately 17 years. Over the past half a dozen years, I've started losing teeth. Still, I didn't seek out a dentist.  A lot of that has to do with having zero dental insurance and knowing that I had no way to pay for any dental work. The rest has to do with my anxiety. I had to have a lot of dental work done when I was younger and most of it wasn't pleasant. I've developed a very real anxiety when it comes to dentists.

Still, 2018 is the year about being brave so after some serious anxiety attacks, I made the appointment. Yesterday afternoon, I drove the 20 minutes to their office. I fought back tears and panic the entire drive. The hygienist was nice, but before I even got to see the dentist, I was in tears. The entire thing felt completely overwhelming. When the dentist actually came in, they sat behind my head and went over the x-rays as if I wasn't there. He poked around my mouth some, gave her some notes, and then left. I think he told me to have a nice day but I don't remember. I was too wound up by that point. I know that he never introduced himself to me or anything.

The rundown? The TL;DR?

  • My insurance will only cover: routine cleanings, extractions, fillings, and partial dentures.
  • They will not cover: root canals, bridges, crowns, or deep cleanings...or even Nitrous.
I need:
  • 5-6 extractions (most of these are broken stubs of teeth)
  • 11-12 fillings
  • Debridement
  • Normal cleaning
  • Root scaling/planing (also known as deep cleaning)
  • Antibiotics to fight an infection
  • Prescription toothpaste to help try to strengthen the remaining teeth. ($22)
  • Nitrous Oxide to help calm me down. ($23/visit)

 Everything except that last one and the toothpaste will be covered by my insurance. The deep cleaning? That one will cost about $610. $610 that I really don't have but if I don't have this procedure done, my oral health will just continue to to get worse and I risk losing more teeth.

All of this is extremely stressful and when added to my anxiety, I ended up in my car afterwards having a complete breakdown. It was bad enough that the friend who called me suggested that I contact my doctor's office to see if they would prescribe me something that I can take before I have to go in for my next appointment. I don't know how many appointments this will take...I have 2 currently scheduled and that's just the start. I'm scared spitless so I guess it's just as well that the toothpaste has the added bonus of making me drool.

As for my weight, etc? Well, I got started on Monday and did well Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday and yesterday were all about anxiety and stress so I didn't do as well. I'm trying to get back on the horse today. I made a smoothie for breakfast and took my meds and then brushed my teeth with that god awful extra minty toothpaste (I hate mint toothpaste!). My water intake is slow but it's all I'm drinking and I have hopes of getting in my 64 oz before bed tonight. I even bought a scale yesterday!

The numbers?

Starting Weight: 314.4 lbs
Current Weight: 313.8 lbs
Change in Weight: -.8 lbs

It's a lot. It's overwhelming, especially when you add it to the rest of my life, but I've started the ball rolling so now I just have to keep it going.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Changes Have to Happen

Changes Have to Happen - Welcoming Weight Loss
This sounds brave, right?
I promised all of you an update after I'd seen the doctor so I'm back! It didn't even take me two weeks! I know you're as proud of me as I am about that.

The appointment actually went really well. I intentionally set it with the nurse practitioner because she's a bit more laid back than my doctor. I guess even a couple of months ago I had my suspicions that my results this year were going to be a problem.

I went in and the first thing she touched on, of all things, was my birth control. I swear that there isn't one that doesn't have some sort of issue. After three years, I went off the depo shot because that's the limit before studies have shown bone density loss. I went onto the patch because I really do need something that's more set it and forget it. It turns out that there's a higher chance of blood clots with it so I need to watch for swelling, redness, and warmth in my legs. Really, a girl cannot win with these things.

After that, she touched on my cholesterol levels. While they've always been high, they jumped about 50 point in this past year. That's not really good. We discussed the idea of putting me on meds while I worked on the diet side, but the risk calculator didn't put me at a high enough risk that she felt it was worth it.

I talked to her about how I'd already started making small not buying chips or cookies anymore and making soda a treat and not a regular thing. She seemed impressed that I'd already started working on things. I also talked to her about how I'd lost weight in the past (Does anyone remember my Mamavation days?) and how I'd done it. We came to the conclusion that accountability seems to really work for me. She suggested getting involved in something like Diet Bet, but I don't really have the extra funds available right now. I really appreciated how she talked about how she'd done it with her sister over the winter. I never felt lectured which was such a relief.

I got through my pap smear, talked to her about how I think my allergies are affecting my one eye (and got something to try out for a couple of weeks to see if it helps), and came away with a reminder to schedule my mammogram and they're going to work on finding a surgeon that accepts my insurance (another issue for another post).

So, to recap. No leukemia. No liver failure. I'm not dying but I do have to make some diet and life changes.

The other day, I talked about some of the first steps in this process. Today, those steps seem so much more important because two people that I've known through my time in the comics industry have died in the past two days. Both of them had weight issues and while I don't know if those issues played a role in their deaths, I know that they probably didn't help.

I'm taking today to work on a meal plan for this coming week and to make a list of tools that I'm going to need to help. I know for sure that I need a new scale. My old one broke ages ago and while I have no intention of becoming obsessive about weighing in, I do need to do it about once a week to mark my progress. I'm also going to need a few things in the kitchen.

Remember how I mentioned accountability earlier? One of my friends and I have started a support group on Facebook. It's going to be a place where we can support each other, share tips, share recipes, and ask questions. It's all about working together for all of us to get healthier. If you'd like to join, you can find it at Welcoming Weight Loss. I'm also going to work on posting here more often and at the bottom of the posts, bringing back:

Previous Weight:
Current Weight:
Change in Weight:
Average Water Consumption:

It's going to take a while to build these habits, but every journey starts with a single step...or blog post.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Health Update

Health Update - Self-Diagnosis
Self-Diagnosis Can Be Scary
I can't believe that it's been an entire month since I posted here! I have no excuses, just life. Still, for those of you who do follow along at home and for my own sanity, I wanted to post an update.

Last week, I went and had my yearly blood work done. Well, I went, they stabbed me and took 3 vials of blood and then I went and had my tattoo worked on while they worked on my blood.

Today, I saw that the lab results were up on my patient portal and being one who doesn't like to be surprised at the doctor's office, I took a look. Really, I'm not sure if this is a good habit or a bad habit. After all, with me, something is always wrong with the results. Usually, it's my cholesterol. It's something that I've had a problem with since I was in my 20s.

Today? There was a whole slew of things and, of course, I had to go look them up to see what they mean. Since I figure no one should ever freak out alone, I'm going to break them down for you and tell you the worst possible meaning...Ready?

CBC Test

Gran # - 9.4 (normal: 2.0-8.1)
Red Cell Distribution Width - 14.4 (normal:11.5-14)

White Blood Count - 13.9 (normal: 4.8-10.8)

  • Gran # stands for granulocytes. According to one website, "Granulocytosis occurs when there are too many granulocytes in the blood. It’s a condition that’s closely related to chronic myelogenous leukemia (CML) and other bone marrow disorders.

Granulocytes are white blood cells that have small granules or particles. These granules contain numerous proteins that are responsible for helping the immune system fight off viruses and bacteria. Neutrophils, eosinophils, and basophils are three types of granulocytes."

Leukemia and one marrow disorders, you say? Oh well now...that's nothing to panic over.

  • Red Cell Distribution Width ...I didn't even know that this was thing until today. Of course, research was needed and I found this gem:

"High RDW and normal MCV. This suggests a deficiency of iron, B-12, or folate. It may also indicate chronic liver disease."

Woot! Leukemia and chronic liver disease! I'm on a roll here!

  • Of course, we know that a high WBC means most likely there's an infection of some sort...I'd say that leukemia and chronic liver disease may fall under this....

In all seriousness, if I didn't know that it's most likely my Glucose levels being borderline diabetic causing not only these but my Albumin and Globulin levels to be off, I'd probably be completely panicking by now. Granted, the WBC does throw me a bit, but I suspect that it's nothing more serious than the ongoing allergy issues that I have every summer. 

So, odds are that I don't have a) liver failure b) leukemia or the popular WebMD conclusion c) cancer.

Instead, what I have is a body that is screaming out for healthier foods, more water and some exercise. On some levels, that's almost as scary to me because it seems like this huge thing...I mean, realistically, I need to lose around 150 pounds and I no desire or ability to go through surgery to do so. 

My insurance won't cover anything like a nutritionist or a gym membership. So, this is all me. I have to do this. If someone is going to save me, it has to be me. No pressure, right? Okay, only all the pressure. Yep...all the pressure and I'm feeling it tonight. 

So, what's a girl to do who is freaking out a tiny bit and working their way into a panic attack? She takes a few deep breathes and then together with all of you, she starts making a plan....

I'd already started making a few baby steps towards this.  I've stopped buying any chips or cookies. I haven't really bought any soda, either. There are all three in the house (well, maybe not on the cookies. I'm not actually sure) and I'm not just going to pitch them into the trash. I will be rationing them, however. I actually haven't had any soda in about a month. 

Does that mean I've switched to all water? No, I'm afraid that it doesn't. I've switched to pink lemonade and flavored bottled teas. Like I said, baby steps. From now on, I'm going to start filling my travel mug up with three mugs of water before I have anything else. I'm not cutting it out of my life, but I am cutting back on it. 

My kitchen is an utter tip so I need to work on getting that back into a functioning space. I've already started slowly emptying the fridge of anything that nobody is ever going to eat. This should make room for healthier choices and things that I actually want to eat. 

Meal planning is going to be a big one. I recently added a meal playing layout to my bullet journal so that will help, I think. If I can plan ahead, it will mean less frozen dinners tossed into the microwave. I really need to get away from the processed foods that have been my life since my last major bout of depression.

Bullet Journal Meal Plan Layout - Katrina Roets
My Weekly Meal Plan Layout

I think one last thing to kick this off. I already have a habit tracker in my bullet journal for each month, but I think I'm going to create a second one. It's going to be completely dedicated towards getting physically healthier. I'll move my water, no soda and no candy ones to it and also add things like : ate three meals today, tracked my calories today, etc. to it. It will make my other one smaller but that's okay. I need to have a place where this is all right in front of me.

Let's summarize my current 4 step plan towards baby stepping to being healthier:
  1. More water, less sugared drinks.
  2. Sorting out the kitchen.
  3. Meal planning.
  4. Healthy Habits tracker for my bullet journal.
That really doesn't seem like much but I also know that I can't overwhelm myself or none of those numbers above will get any better. 

Now, if you've read this far, you're a total superhero. Please feel free to reach out to me with your stories or your encouragement. I'm so thankful for every single person that takes the time to read here. 

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Bullet Journal Therapy

How Something So Simple Has Kept Me Going

Bullet Journal - Katrina Roets
My Bullet Journal
That little black book is my bullet journal. It's also been the salvation to my sanity a few times lately and I wanted to share it with all of you. For those of you who don't know what a bullet journal is, check out this link and then come on back. Don't worry, I'll wait for you.

Back? Yay! I started mine back in May. I'd heard about them but every time I saw one, it seemed so beautiful and so expensive. I saw people talking about the huge orders they'd put in, etc. I live penny to penny around here so there just wasn't the funds to invest like other people seemed to be doing. Plus, I have ocd which leads to perfectionism which leads to "omg, I'm going to mess something up and then what?!?" Somehow though, I talked myself into just going down to Walmart and picking up whatever I could find. They didn't have the fancy dotted paper notebooks so I bought an artist's sketchbook without perforated pages. It was plain so I slapped some jeweled stickers on it and ta-da! my bullet journal was born. 

My Bullet Journal Keys - Katrina Roets
My Keys
 My first big task was to create the key. I spent a lot of time fussing over this before telling myself to just put pencil (and then pen) to paper and create it. If I hated it later, I didn't have to use it.

Bullet Journal Habit Tracker & When Did I Last Pages
May Habit Tracker/When Did I Last
 Then, I decided that I didn't really want to do a monthly calendar. I use a Google calendar and I'm very much in the habit of checking and updating that. However, there are some habits that I really want to enforce, so I created a habit tracker and then on the opposite page, a page that lists things that I should be doing quarterly. When I do them, I can add in the date to help me to keep track.

Bullet Journal - Weekly Layout - 19 Before - Katrina Roets
Weekly Layout and 19 Things Before 2019

I do like the idea of a weekly layout though. It's a place that I can put all of the appointments but also add little things like...graduation stickers to celebrate my oldest's high school graduation. The 19 before 2019 is simply a list of goals that I'd like to achieve by the end of the year. I admit that it's coming along slowly and something I need to look at more often.

Bullet Journal - Weekly Layout - Katrina Roets
Another Weekly Layout
 This is another one of my weekly layouts. As you can see, there is a ton of blank space. That was bugging me but I did have fun adding stickers and even starting to doodle a little bit.

Bullet Journal - Writing Blocks - Katrina Roets
Writing Blocks
 Some of you may know that I'm a writer. I have a series that I've been working on with Nick Davis called The Tether Saga. Right now, I'm writing the last book in that series while also working on another book. I created these pages to keep track of my progress as well as any important notes that I needed to keep track of.

Bullet Journal - Habit Tracker - Katrina Roets
June Habit Tracker
 For June, I wanted to go with some kind of theme. I've seen some absolutely beautiful ones but I'm really not much of an artist. I found these ladybug stickers and decided to go with that along with a red/white/black theme. As you can see, I have some areas that I really need to work on but I'm getting better in others. I know it will take time and I'm trying to be patient with myself.

Bullet Journal - Savings Tracker - Katrina Roets
Savings Tracker
 Even though I have next to no income right now, I do have things that I really need/want to get. The one item that should be on here but isn't is new memory for my laptop so that I can keep posting and writing. That's $70. Anyway, I thought that a tracker might help keep it in front of me so that when I did have a few extra dollars (or someone donated to my Ko-Fi), I could set it aside to go towards one of these things.

Bullet Journal - Weekly Layout - Katrina Roets
Weekly Layout

See my ladybugs? I really enjoy this theme and even tried to do a bit of doodling by adding laundry to that laundry basket.

Zone Cleaning
 Some of you know that I have hoarding issues. I think I've written about it here. I decided what might help me to become less overwhelmed is to come up with a zone cleaning schedule that I could put into place once I'm done de-junking the house. This is the first two pages of it.

Bullet Journal - Zone Cleaning Layout - Katrina Roets
Zone Cleaning - Cleaning Quotes
 This is the second page along with a page of quotes. I love the fact that I did all of this by hand and even the untidiness of the quote page has started to grow on me. It was my first real challenge of just doing it without drawing it all in using a pencil first and while it's sloppy feeling, I kind of love it.

Bullet Journal - House Projects Layout - Katrina Roets
House Projects Layout
 So, to be able to get to use the zone cleaning layouts, these are the tasks that have to get finished inside of the house. As you can see, it's not a small list, but I've broken it down into what I'm hoping are manageable sections.

Bullet Journal - Outside Projects Layout - Katrina Roets
Outdoor Projects Layout
 As you can see, I have a ton of outside projects that really need to happen as well. I'm hoping to find a couple of days soon where neither of my boys have to work and the weather isn't too terrible so that we can go out and tackle that barn. It's a huge one but it will also make a huge difference.

Bullet Journal - Weekly Layout - Katrina Roets
Weekly Layout
 Just another weekly layout. I discovered that my stickers were too puffy and it was messing with the pages so I drew these ladybugs. I think they turned out okay.

Bullet Journal - Daily Routines and Social Media Tracker - Katrina Roets
Daily Routines - Social Media Tracker
 Routines can be really helpful once I get into them and stick with them. Just ask me what I'm doing on Mondays and the answer is always the same. I've gotten into that habit/routine. Now, I'm working on building up my morning and before bedtime routines to help find more stability. The other page is to track my social media goals. Connections are so important to me not just because as a writer, I need readers, but also because they remind me daily that I'm not alone in this world or on this journey.

Bullet Journal - Self Care Layout - Katrina Roets
Self-Care Ideas
 I know that we've all heard how important self-care is. I also know that when you probably need it the most is just when you can't think of a single thing. So, on a good day, I made this layout with different ideas of things that I could do. It actually came in handy today when I saw it and reminded myself that it was okay to spend some time offline and curled up with a book.

Bullet Journal - Random Acts of Kindness - Katrina Roets
45 Random Acts of Kindness
 At my son's graduation a few weeks ago, the keynote speaker talked about Return on Investment and how it's important not only to invest in ourselves, but perhaps, more importantly, in others. This really struck a chord with me because it's important to me to make this world a better place for those around me. It's part of the reason that I write about my own struggles. I want others to see that they aren't alone. These are 45 acts of kindness that I want to complete far before I turn 45.

Bullet Journal - Healthy Snacks and Movies to Watch - Katrina Roets
Healthy Snacks - Movies To Watch
 As part of my "I really need to take better care of me" thought process, I thought it'd be good to make a list of healthier snacks. Don't get me wrong, Doritos are delicious, but they probably aren't what I should be eating on a regular basis. On the other side of this, I posted a question on Facebook asking my friends to name one movie that they think I should see. Then, I put them onto the little movie tickets and as I see each one, I'm coloring it in.

Bullet Journal - Vertical Weekly Layout - Katrina Roets
Last Weekly Layout
Remember how I said that I felt like my other weekly layouts were leaving just too much blank space? This week, I've tried this layout and I like it so much better! It gives me space to create weekly goals and to jot down notes and even things that I need to pick up at the store! I think I'm going to stick to this style for a while.

Bullet Journal - Books I've Read Layout - Katrina Roets
Books I've Read
I've always been told that a good writer should read as much as they write. I probably read a good bit more than I write (I need to work on that!) but I've always been a voracious reader. This layout gives me a chance to keep track of what I've read throughout the year. I need to add another couple of books to it and then draw in some more blank ones.

That's my bullet journal so far. I know that this is one looooong post so if you made it this far, thank you! I hope that you can see the different ways that I'm using my journal to help with not just my daily life, but the bad days that sometimes come along with PTSD and Bipolar 2. I know that there will be days when I just want to give up because it feels impossible. I've had one or two of those since I started working on this and when I've flipped through this book and realized that I've done this..I doodled and spent hours with a ruler and came up with this's been a great reminder that if I can create this, maybe I can keep going and create something a little better for me and those around me. 

If you create one for yourself, please leave me a comment or track me down on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I would love to hear about it and see pictures!

Monday, June 4, 2018

Depression is...

Depression is... - Katrina Roets - Welcoming Weight Loss
Quote Courtesty of Brainy Quote

Sometimes I like to just sit and look at random quotes and images on Google. Some little thing will blip into my brain and I'll spend a while just looking at things related. Today's thing was, "I thought I was okay..." and somehow in my flipping through, I came across the image above. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I stopped everything else that I was doing to just stare at this image.

You see, earlier today, I took a good, hard look around my house. It's a disaster. Actually, disaster might be an understatement. It looks like a good foundation for an episode of Hoarders. I wish I were joking. Part of me was shocked. I thought I had been doing okay on a brain level kind of way. Sure, emotionally, I've been off due to some life changes, but even though I knew there was a small struggle there, I thought overall I was doing okay. I mean, my bullet journal is almost current, I'm only weeks behind in reading/studying, and there's peanut butter, raspberry preserves, and bread in my kitchen. I've been eating. Oh sure, I haven't been eating well, but I've been eating. I've even drank some water!

Yeah...I thought I was okay, but I'm not. Every day that passes is a day closer to a future that I seem completely incapable of figuring out. Whenever I try, my anxiety skyrockets and I just want to sleep. Nothing is getting done because to get something done would mean that I'm actually taking steps towards that same future.

Every time I look around, I see the trash and the stuff and I know I should deal with it, but at the same time, my brain reminds me that all of those things need to be dealt with so that I can possibly move in a year's time and so it sits because I can't imagine a year from now without completely shutting down.

I tell myself that I don't advertise myself as a proofreader because of how other's have treated me. Recently, an author who I thought had hired me for a regular job told me he didn't know when I'd get the next batch of books. He had very valid reasons so I'm not upset with him, but it took the tiny future plans that I had managed to make and squashed them. Without that needed income, I'm stuck. Yet, I don't have it anywhere on my author site that I offer proofreading as a service. I don't mention it on any of my social media descriptions. Why? If I had the money, I would have to start making decisions which is something I seem incapable of.

Depression is the inability to construct a future...and that's right where I am. I'm incapable of constructing any kind of future beyond the day that I'm currently in and because I can't see a future, I've become numb to my surroundings, no matter how unhealthy they've become. I have moments of "omg, I need to do something about this" but it seems that I can only manage to survive in the hopes that someday soon, the fog will lift and maybe this time I can make things right again.

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