Wednesday, October 18, 2017


It's been one hell of a week so far and it's a bit sad because I'm proud of the fact that I'm even at my table writing this post. Let me explain...

On Sunday, I decided to tackle one of the totes from my office/studio because it kept falling over. I had no idea that it weighed as much as I did and as I attempted to lift it, I twisted my left ankle and wrenched my right knee. Being physically forced to slow down is hard when I'm so determined to keep making progress on this house.

On Monday, I received a message from a friend that mentioned another friend with a sad face. He had no idea that I hadn't gotten the news yet that our mutual friend had died that morning. I knew it was coming but somehow hadn't quite prepared myself for it. That's where the slow spiral like the floor went out from under me started.

Tuesday brought the news that my oldest is behind in his classes and that my furnace, for about the billionth year in a row, isn't functioning properly. The first I can do something about. The second involves me having to clean my entire downstairs before I can let the landlord know. That wouldn't be a huge issue for most but it is for me. I'm still digging out from my hoard. Now, there's the pressure to get it all done and done quickly before the true cold weather hits.

All of this has added up to me feeling lost. As each bit of something happens, I'm pushed a bit further down. I'm fighting it as much as I can but yesterday and most of today found me curled up on the couch sleeping. It doesn't help that I'm not sleeping well at night but it's only this unbearable weight that has me stuck there. Today, with half an hour left before I have to go into town, I made myself get up and come into my office. I skimmed Facebook, played a bit of a game, and now wrote this. In a few minutes, I'll put my shoes on and go take my youngest to his audition.

....and maybe tomorrow I'll get off the couch and work on my book. I need to do that. I need to finish it and get it out into the world. I can do it. I really believe that. I can't do it from the couch though so tomorrow, I'm challenging myself to just one chapter. It's a little thing but it's a starting point.

Speaking of starting points, I do want to mention that not only am I still taking the two medications but I've added my third in this week, as well. I'm sticking with taking them, even through all of this, and I'm proud of that.

....and now, it's time to go be mom and to get that kid to his audition. Fingers crossed that it goes well. He wants this so badly and has been working hard toward it.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Soooooo Tired...

I'm pretty sure that this could have been a picture of me earlier today if:
1. I were blonde.
2. I were that cute and tiny.
3. Someone was here to actually take a picture of me.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've taken 6 doses of the anti-depressant now and 5 of my allergy med and I am completely wiped out. All I want to do is nap, which, as you can imagine, is not exactly conducive to getting any amount of work done. Since I started taking it, I haven't been able to work on the book or get anything more done in my office. I've managed to do the "necessities" and be mom and that's about it.

It's incredibly frustrating and every day I hope that it will be the day when I have some amount of energy back. I cringe whenever Nick mentions working on the book because I feel guilty that I haven't this week. It's not due to a lack of desire, I assure you. It's simply because whenever I sit down, I want to sleep. I fell asleep earlier today, sitting at my desk, waiting for a file to download. I had to go sleep for 2 hours so that I could go into town, pick up Roger, do a bit of grocery shopping, drop him off, and come home. I only unloaded the perishable groceries so that I could get to my desk faster and finish off the site work for Geek-o-Rama. It's 6:40pm and I just want to go to bed. Blah!

Other than that, I think it's helping. The first day was really hard because my head was silent and it freaked me out. It's been a long time since I haven't had a dozen things going on in it at the same time. I also had a migraine for two days which wasn't much fun but that seems to have passed, thank goodness!

Really, other than the exhaustion, I seem to be doing okay. I'm trying to decide the best way to handle the tired. I can't keep taking naps every day and logic says that if I push through it, my body will be "forced" to adjust faster. I guess I'm just going to do my best. Tomorrow I'm home all day and set to work on the book until I have to head to the marching band competition. I think being at the desk all day and having to really focus on something will be the ultimate test in how things are.

Until then, I'm leaning towards working a bit on the book tonight. After that, dinner and curling up on the couch to watch some tv and maybe even a bit of reading before bed. My to do list, including my reading list, seems to have no end so there's always something I can be doing.

I hope all of you are doing well...

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

I Feel Crazy

Two posts in two days. I want to say that's a good thing but honestly, I don't know. This post will probably be unlike anything you've ever read here, but again, I don't know. You see, I'm rapid cycling right now and it's making me feel absolutely crazy. I'm sorry if this post sounds crazy. I just need to write it while it's there so I can remember why I'm starting back on medication tomorrow.

I came back from my trip and I was sad. Of course I was sad. There were things that I so badly wanted to do but there just wasn't the time to do them. There were so many good things that happened, but also emotion crashes that happened that honestly needed to happen. They taught me lessons that I needed to learn. Good lessons. Strong lessons. ...and I was sad because I missed him. I always miss him, hearing his voice, and all the good things, but it's always so much harder after I've spent time with him.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted, not just physically but mentally because ten hours is a lot of time to think. The thoughts weren't bad but there were oh so many of them. The combination left me rung out and when I woke up Saturday morning, depression was trying hard to take hold. I didn't want it to. I didn't want him to know just how much it hurt that he was too busy to say good morning or I love you or anything like that. This isn't shocking behavior or anything that he's done or is doing wrong. This is me. This is my brain. This is my brain on whatever chemical cocktail that it had come up with this time.

So, I asked myself what would he do...why he'd work of course. So, I put myself to work. I'm dealing with dehoarding my house so I went into my office/studio and started working. I cleared space. I built a bookshelf. I filled the bookshelf. I cleared other shelves. I purged. I dusted. I cleaned. I did it for at least eight hours straight without stopping. I didn't eat. I drank from time to time. I just worked. When I made myself stop, I nearly twitched sitting on the couch. I could see what needed to be doing but I wasn't doing it.

Sunday was more of the same. I spent another eight hours at least clearing off desks, emptying drawers, rearranging things, reorganizing things. I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. I had to. I needed to. When I stopped it was because someone had ordered me pizza and told me to put myself on the couch with it and some tv. It was one of the hardest things I've done in weeks.

My brain said you have to keep going but my body was screaming for me to stop. If given the choice, I'd have listened to my brain.

Yesterday, I was exhausted. I made myself get up. I read the news and I cried. I was immediately emotionally overwhelmed. There were no reserves. I took myself away from most of it as much as I could and did what needed to be done. By early afternoon, I was a disaster. I spent a lot of the time driving into town in tears because suddenly the smallest things, things I could easily take care of, had completely overwhelmed me. It was all too much. I talked with someone and they listened and let me talk through each of the issues and pointed out that I had already solved all of them and that it would be okay if I skipped everything else, got some dinner (again I hadn't eaten) and just went home.

I didn't though. I went and got dinner, went to a writer's meeting to see if I would like it, and then went and watched the last hour of marching band rehearsal. I needed to at least see one of my kids, to be reminded that I had done something right.

Today though...oh god...I'm manic again. I wanted to start back on the office. I wanted to rip totes apart, purging, and sorting, and organizing. I couldn't though. I had to work on the book. I gave Nick my word that it would be done by the end of the month and I'm so far behind. I just had to work on it. I told myself just one chapter, just get through one chapter and you can stop. Eight hours later, I finished one chapter. It took me all day because I couldn't focus. The harder I tried to focus, the worse it got. I started having physical stress manifestations...itching all over for no other reason than I was trying to force my brain to do what I wanted it to do. Even now, my head and arms itch and it takes so much for me not to scratch until I'm nearly bleeding.

I can't focus. I can't remember things. I just want to "do" and not anything else but that isn't life, is it? You can't just always "do".  I told Nick that I had finished what felt like the world's longest chapter and he told me to keep going, that it was the only way it was going to get done. I put my head in my hands and nearly cried. It seems impossible that I'll ever get this done. I know he's not doing anything more than trying to encourage me. I usually love when he tells me to get writing because I know that it's because he believes in me more than anyone else in the world. I know that all the pressure and the voices are all in my head when they scream that I can't do this, that if I don't do this he's going to hate me because I let him down. Nick is never going to hate me...but just writing those last seven words has my heart in my throat.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense or begins to describe what it's like to be manic. I don't know if it describes how your brain says keep going, keep going, even when your body is about to collapse due to exhaustion. I don't know if it begins to describe what it's like to try to hold normal conversations with people online, to problem solve, to handle things, all the while your brain is spinning out of control. If they were to be able to see my face, they'd probably see wide eyed terror. I'm trying so hard but I feel as if I'm spinning out of control. Sometimes I swear it's not the depression that will kill me but the mania...the moments where I feel every thing 100 fold and everything seems so huge. I panic. I can't breathe. It's why physical labor works. I'm away from everything and everyone and I can't think. I don't have to think. I just have to do....

....and this is why I go back on medication tomorrow. I don't want this to be me. I don't want to feel like I'm outside my own body looking in anymore. I don't want to force myself to stop, to breathe, to eat, to do things others do without thinking they're a big deal. I don't want this to be me.

Now, I have to go do another chapter because I cannot let him down...I promised...

Monday, October 2, 2017


Well, it's been about a month and here we are again. How are you, my friends? I sometimes wonder who the people are who read these posts when I write them. I suspect some of you are folks that I know and some of you are strangers who have wandered across this little blog. Whoever you are, I'm glad you're here. I really and truly am.

I suppose that I ought to catch you up on the past month or so. As it always is when school starts, life gets crazy around here. It takes at least this long for schedules to start to balance out. Both of the boys are doing well for which I am grateful. There are still some communication issues with their father and stepmother but that will never change so I try to take it in stride and to not let it stress me out. It is what it is, so to speak.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I've had my ups and I've had my downs. That's life though, right? No matter how often we may wish for smooth sailing, life would get rather dull if there weren't the occasional dip or bump. Granted, dips and bumps aren't much of a big deal compared to mountains and valleys.

If you asked me right now how I'm doing, I'd say, "Oh, I'm okay." and for the most part that would be true. I wouldn't tell you how much I miss the man that I'm in love with or that his sudden dropping of possessives and terms of endearment is bothering me, even though I'm sure it's absolutely nothing. I wouldn't tell you about how I just offered something pretty big to one of my staff members just to be told that he's decided to launch his own site and how devastated I am by that. I'd just smile and say, "Oh, I'm okay."  I don't know why that is or if it really matters. It's just something that crossed my mind right now.

But, this post is entitled Decisions...Decisions... and I've not talked once about any decisions, have I? I guess I ought to do that or this whole post will seem a bit wonky.

Decision #1: Mental Medication - This one is a huge one and one I've discussed here before. With the start of school and knowing I had a trip coming up, I put off this decision. The gaps in my memory have made the decision for me. I just spent time with the man that I'm in love with and I can't clearly remember our conversations and that really isn't acceptable to me. As if that's not bad enough, I think something and 10 seconds later, I can't remember what I was just thinking. I'm going back on the medication and I pray to god that it's worth it.

Decision #2: Girly Medication - A couple of months ago, at my annual checkup, the nurse practitioner mentioned that I should consider an alternate form of birth control. It seems that long term studies have shown that using Depo Provera for over 2-3 years can cause bone loss. However, going off of it for a year can reverse that. I'm now at 2 years and 2 months. It's time to make this decision. As much as it sucks, I've decided to do 1, possibly 2 more shots and then switch over to the patch. Why does this suck? On the Depo, I don't have a period, just some spotting. On the patch, I had a full out period. Gross, but I'd rather that then brittle bones, I do suppose.

Decision #3: NaNoWriMo 2017 - As some of you may know, I participated in this last year and completed it. Even though there multiple near panic attacks, I took myself out to the "local" group's activities and write ins. Being away from my home office really helped me buckle down and focus. Things got done. However, I never really felt totally welcome within the group. In fact, my second (I think) time with them, I actually got pulled aside and lectured by the one group leader about being mean to someone else who was there. Let me make this clear, I wasn't being mean. The person in question was a stay at home mom whose kids were young. I made a statement that if my kids were little still, I think writing would be easier for me. Notice those last two words...for me. I was and am a stay at home mom for the most part. When my boys were little, I was so much more productive than I am now..partially because my mental health was better and partially because we were home and not running all over creation due to sports and band and everything else that they do. I think this woman getting hurt (as in literally crying to the group leader) caused the group leader to have an issue with me even though it was a misunderstanding. She never made me feel welcome after that. Luckily, the other group leader did and that combined with how much I was getting done led me to attending other events. Now, on the near eve of everything starting up again (first workshop is in 3 days), I'm stuck on trying to decide if I attend or don't attend. I have book 2 in the works and if I could convince Nick to give me one more month, this would be the perfect time for cleaning it up and really making sure it is what it should be. Argh..I just don't know. I wish that there were a group closer that I could try out to see if it would be a good fit.

I guess those are the big ones right now. I'm still working on balancing mom life, reclaiming my house, and writing the book, but I feel as if I'm making progress in those areas. I keep telling myself that baby steps are better than no steps at all and there was a point where I wasn't making even those.

I'm going to close out this post now..not because I'm done writing because I'm never done writing, but because it's time for me to head into town to see my kids, to run the gaming group, to attend a new local writer's group, and then a parent's meeting for those with kids graduating this year. Sometimes I think my life begins at 2pm.

Before I go though, I want to say thank you for those who come here and read. I know it seems such a little thing but when I see the number of you who do, it helps me to know that I'm not alone in this great bit world. I have my boys, I have my man, and I have all of you. Take care of yourselves...

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Random Thoughts

Well, it's been about a month since I last posted and I've spent quite a bit of that month scrambling from one thing to the next. The youngest and I spent almost a week down in Indianapolis trying to take in the craziness that is Gen Con. Holy crow that's a lot of walking and it reminded me that I need to get some good nursing shoes or something that is made for folks who are on their feet all day long. It was a great bonding time with him and we brought back quite a bit for the high school gaming group to try out.

Then, as soon as we got back, it was the mad dash to get both boys ready to go back to their dad's as well as back to school. Did I mention that there was a football game plus practices that week as well? Utter insanity.

Now, the boys are back at their dad's and we're all working on adjusting to the new schedules that each school year brings. It's been tough because they've had two four day weeks so far which makes everything off by at least a day. I'm looking forward to next week when we have a full week of school and I can really focus on building a new day to day schedule for myself.

Monday will always be site work day for me. It's the day that I work on Geek-o-Rama. Speaking of which, if you're interested in reviewing comics, get in touch with me. We need one or two new folks into the mix.

Tuesdays - I'd like to make this book day. I'm so far behind on book 2 of The Tether Saga and I really need to get back to it.

Wednesday - Free day. A day where I can have a bit of downtime, tackle any projects that I want to. Not necessarily lazy day but a day where I'm not tied down to one thing.

Thursday - Education day. Nick is an absolutely marvelous partner in the books but I want to do more to help ensure their success. I have books I want to read, podcasts to listen to, and things I want/need to learn to turn this into more than just a dream.

Friday - Finish it Friday - The day I take all of the things that got started that week and wrap them up.

This is my basic outline that I have so far. There are a lot of details to fill sporting events, band rehearsals, concerts..Oh, and my youngest is auditioning next month for a jazz orchestra and wants to add private lessons back in. After almost two years at the place he was going, he decided that he wasn't really learning anything there that he wasn't teaching himself so he quit. The new place is a 45 minute drive away but is with someone who charges less and is actively playing. There are a lot of details to figure out. He may get his driver's license soon...though that depends upon him finding a job and while lots of places are saying they're hiring, nobody is getting callbacks. If that happens, it will help because he'll be able to get himself places.

I also need to build in time for some sort of exercise, even if it's just walking, and proper meal planning. My physical health needs to be a part of my healthier me plan for sure.

So, there we have it. A rough outline of what I'd like to turn my daytime into. I essentially have from when I get up until 2pm every day to make this happen. Fingers crossed that I slide into it relatively easily and things start getting done around here.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Where do we go from here?

Hi all! It's been a really rocky couple of weeks but the depression is lifting and I had a bit of a revelation the other day. I'm going to leave that for a post of its own though. Today I want to update everyone on where I am with things.

Let's start with the basic health stuff. I spent 2 phone calls and a total of about 40 minutes on the phone today with my insurance company. I had some questions and eventually, I got some answers. It just took 2 phone calls and 40 minutes..heh.. I'll save you 40 minutes and give you a quick rundown:
Mammogram: 3D mammograms are covered and I now have this scheduled for next week. I'm not excited but it needs to be done so I might as well get it done.

Therapy: I get 20 therapy visits per calendar year and that number resets on January 1st. It doesn't seem like a lot but I guess it does come out to about 2 per month. I'm still on the fence about going to therapy and what type I should pursue but it's good to know that it will be covered if I decide to seek it out. Of course, I did forget to find out if they have a provider listing. That's another call for another day, I guess.

Weight Loss: For the past couple of years, my doctor has wanted to send me to the local hospital to pursue the option of weight loss surgery. More and more lately, I've come to realize that I need some guidance and some accountability. I don't seem to be able to do it on my own. I've beat myself up over this time and time again. People say that I'm strong, etc but I can't seem to do this. Enough. Sometimes we all need help and I shouldn't feel any amount of shame for that. If you're someone who feels the need to shame me or anyone else, feel free to also find the door.

I was given quite a bit of insurance will cover the surgery if I meet the following criteria:

  • Co-morbid BMI of at least 40
  • Having been in a medical weight management program for 6 months and to have lost 10% of my body weight in that 6 months. The program has to have been within the past 2 years.
  • Documentation of having seen a dietary consultant.
  • Documentation of having had a psychosocial evaluation.
The only medical weight management program that they'll cover is Weight Watchers. To get into that, I have to make an appointment with my doctor's office, go in, and have a special form filled out that I also have to sign saying that I'm committing to the program. Then:
  • They'll review the form and if approved will send me a welcome packet that will tell me where and when the meetings are.
  • I have to attend at least 10 meetings in a 12 week session.
  • At the end of the 12 week session, I have to fax in a copy of my progress sheet and the weight loss record.
  • If I've lost at least 5% of my body weight during that time and they approve it, I can then do another 12 week session.
If I go through both 12 week sessions, that will count as the 6 months in a weight management program. At that point, I could go to the hospital program which would cover the other criteria. I don't know that I want to have surgery and I know that it's not an immediate cure all. I'm actually glad that there are hoops that must be jumped through. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of summer with the boys and continue to work on the little changes like water intake and trying to make sure that I'm in bed and asleep by a certain time. I'm also considering making a medication change. As some of you know, I've been off my anti-depressants for about two years now. I'm very seriously considering going back on them for a set amount of time so that I can determine whether or not they help me. It's a decision that I'm putting a lot of thought into. 

I could keep writing but it's about time for me to get around and take my oldest son to work. If anyone has any information about the current Weight Watchers program, I would love to hear about it. 

Until next time...

Thursday, July 27, 2017

I Just Need to Write

I'm horribly emotional today. I never know if that's progress from the numbness or if it's something else. I guess that's the problem with mental disorders, huh? I once considered trying to keep a private journal so maybe I could track things so that when they happened in the future I would know. It never happened though because while I love routine, being "forced" to write just felt wrong to me.

Today though, I just need to write, and I hope that's okay with everyone who might stumble upon this little blog of mine. It's been a rough week and maybe if I get some of it out of my head, I'll feel better. It's worth a shot anyway.

I don't really know where to start though. That's how it goes, right? You make the decision to write and then realize your head and heart are so jumbled up that you can't do more than write about how you don't know what to write.

I guess you could say that this was a very high emotion week. High emotion weeks are really rough when I'm depressed. They drain me more than I'm already drained. On Sunday, I went to pick up my youngest from his father's house. He was supposed to be ready at 7pm. At 7:30pm, he started out of the house just to be called back inside by his stepmother for another 30 minutes. Long story short, she informed my son that she wasn't going to do something she had said she would. I don't know if it was the blatant disregard for my time, the fact that I've already been struggling with what's happening, or what, but I completely lost it. I was livid and if my son hadn't said something, I'd have been inside their house letting them know just how I felt about their "parenting style."  I was angry enough that it scared my oldest. I never lose my cool around them like that.

I'd like to say that the week improved from there, but it didn't. I think losing it like that has opened up a well of emotion that I just don't know how to handle. I'm still avoiding social media for the most part. I skim through my feed now and then but I'm finding that it's hard to emotionally handle some of what I'm seeing. I see another friend post about how they're struggling and the support is overwhelming and while I'm glad she has that, I mourn the fact that I don't. Crystal commented on my last post being sorry that the people that I want to count on aren't available. It's not that. It's that more and more, I feel as if those people don't actually exist. I know that to some extent, that's my fault. It's easier to hide than it is to argue with the depression when it says nobody wants to hear about it. It's easier to say, "I thought you were my friend, but then you stopped paying attention to me and it's not life getting in the way because you always have time for someone else." than it is to say, "Hey, I could use someone to listen." One is defensive and the other is to be vulnerable and when you're sinking being vulnerable is a huge risk. It's all about choices.

I guess that's where I'm at. I need to make choices. Some will be easy and some may break my heart. For a long time, I've had a private FB account that's never had more than 20 friends on it. I created it during a time where I needed a safe place to vent where my "family" wouldn't see. Right now, I think there are 16 people there. These are supposed to be the people that I trust and can turn to at any time. I've come to realize that I'm not sure any of them or many of them are. There's the guy who was my best friend until his wife decided I was going to try to poach him so she insisted he remove me from his he did on the account she knew about but kept the private account. There's the guy who was my best friend and who I trusted with my life but after telling me how glad he was that I was in his life and that he wasn't walking the path of life struggles alone stopped talking to me unless I messaged him first. There's the woman who claimed I was a close friend and promised to help me raise the money for my son's trip by buying something from me but hasn't spoken to me in probably close to a year and who actually "forgot" about her promise but didn't feel bad about how it affected me or my son. There's the guy that I looked up to and who looked out for me until my ex-husband told his wife that he wasn't interested in her and so she decided to hate me so he wasn't allowed to be friends with me anymore. This is just a sampling but it's a pretty solid idea of what's there. I keep thinking that maybe it's time to let go even though it hurts like hell. Maybe it's time to let go of the people who said they'd always be there for me but through their actions have shown that not to be true. Just thinking about it has me in tears again.

There are other decisions to be made..including whether or not I go back onto the anti-depressants. I've been off them for two years now but this time, this episode, is worse than anything I've faced during that time. It's taking me back to before I sought help. My short term memory is being affected, my concentration, and so many other things. With everything else ahead of me that I'm facing, maybe it's time to go back on them.

So many maybes...maybe I should just walk away from social media. I love people and I love being able to see into their worlds, but I'm not a part of their worlds. They're "false friends" -- friends only under the illusion of social media. Maybe I'd be better without the illusion. With everything that's happened at the doctor's recently and in life lately, maybe I'd be better off leaving that all behind. After all, don't they say that those who really care will find a way to be there?

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