Bonus Post: Diabetes

 Well, it's finally happened. My "inability" to take care of myself has led to me being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. My doctor assures me that if I lose the weight and start paying attention to my diet and actually get some exercise, that it's reversible. I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm at my heaviest weight and it's due to all of the crap that I've spent the past 5 months or so eating. 

I'm freaked though. I don't know how to fix this. Okay, I do. I mean, I lost 75 pounds in the past. The thing is...at that time, I had a place in my house to workout and a kitchen floor that didn't threaten to kill me whenever I step on it. Ben would tell me to stop making excuses and fix the problems. Really that's my only choice, but I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. 

I had to go and have more bloodwork done. I'm being put on medication. I might go see a diabetic nutrionist and she wants me to go see my eye doctor. I guess I'll have to call my insurance company to see if I can go before April because she doesn't want me to wait that long. 

I don't know, y'all. I'm super sad that I didn't love myself enough to prevent this. I'm not angry. I'm just sad. Anger is pointless and toxic when turned on myself. I haven't told anyone except Justin yet. I don't really want to make this a public thing, but I feel as if I need help. Even if it's just support and accountability. The reality is that I know I can't do it alone. It's going to take planning and preparation and a shit ton of house cleaning.

Maybe it's just as well that my editing jobs have slowed down. It may open up the time to work on the house. If I can get the house cleaned up, I can get the floor fixed. If I get the floor fixed, I'll be able to use my stove/oven again. If I can use them again, I can cook healthier meals. If I can cook healthier meals, it will help me to drop the weight and just get healthier. 

I have to go back and see my doctor in January. That's not a lot of time to get things in order, but I have to do what I can do. It's not going to be easy and I honestly expect that it's going to be a super big struggle, but if I did it before, I can do it again. I have to believe that, even when my brain says you're going to fail. That's exactly what my brain is screaming right now. You can't do this. It's too hard. You're going to remain fat and get sick and end up like Graham. Ugh. I do not want that to happen. I guess thank goodness he's pretty much shoved me out of his life. I'd hate for him to see that, but I need to be honest with myself. That's what's happening in my head.

So...I guess this weekend I add figure all this out to my list of things to do. I want to talk to Rob about it. I'd like to talk to Nick about it but come Tuesday it will be 10 weeks since I last heard from him. I've faced the fact that he's not there for me. He's not supporting me. Maybe I'll talk to Eric about it too. He's the only other person who knew about any of this. He actually wished me good luck at the appointment this morning. That was really nice. 

I don't want a huge support team, but I need a support team that I can rely on to support. And I guess that's that. I don't know what else to say about any of this other than it's stressing me out and it should be. I fucked up and I fucked up big time. Time to try to save myself because no one else can. 

Life Update

This needs to be my reminder to myself this week. Kat Scratch Press editing has taken off to the point where I have four separate projects on my desk. I'm always so worried about letting people down that I'll work myself to exhaustion trying to make sure that they're happy. Part of the reason that I've moved these posts to Sundays is to make sure that my Monday are open for me to just sit and work if need be. Fingers crossed that I can hold myself in check this coming week.

As for everything else, things are going pretty well. When Ben was here last week, we cleaned the kitchen, sorted through his clothes, and then created a 3" wide (give or take, I suck at estimating distance) path from my bedroom door to my bed. Then, since I could now access my dresser, I purged that and all of the clothes that have been stacking up on my bed. In the end, I donated three bags of clothes to Goodwill and I'm nowhere near done with that room yet! It's crazy, but the big news is...I can now sleep in my bed for the first time in five years! That's a victory right there. The bed is made up with clean sheets and I've spent the past three nights sleeping up there. I'm not sleeping 100% yet but I'm adjusting to having an entire bed to sleep in. I guess you can say that I kicked that having the tv on habit because there isn't a tv in the bedroom. I still have the light on, but that'll go at some point. I'm just not quite ready.

Ben is coming back over this evening for a couple of days and I suspect we'll be tackling the living room in between bouts of me working on client work. I'm so looking forward to the point where this house is a place where I wouldn't mind my son's girlfriend coming into instead of waiting in the car while he runs in to get something. I'm really hopeful that by the time colleges let out for Christmas break, the house will be good enough for all of the kids to be here. That would mean a lot to me.

In other news, I finally received a blood pressure cuff and I've been using it for the past couple of days. My results so far? 123/78, 133/87, and 131/80. So, two of those were a little high but still below the mild hypertension range which is good. If it continues this way for the remainder of the thirty days, I don't think we'll need to adjust my medication. Perhaps if I lose some weight, that will help bring it back down.

I haven't been able to start the walking or the pool time yet. I've been so busy with everything else that I just haven't had the energy. I know that it's something that I need to do, but I just haven't gotten there yet.

I'm feeling a little stressed but overall, I think I'm handling things okay. I just have to keep going and making changes when I can. The bed thing is a huge one and I'm looking forward to clearing more of that room out so I can get more things put where they belong. One day and one step at a time. Ever Onward.

Health Update

Isn't that post-it super cute? I made it all by myself...Okay, well, with the help of a generator. As usual, it's been a while so I wanted to post an update, especially since I went and had my annual physical on Friday. Look at me almost being on top of things!

So, here we go...everything, for the most part, is okay. My weight is down 15 pounds from last year (now at 300 even), so that's good. I still want/need to keep working that direction. I spoke to her about my crippling anxiety at the idea of having to work outside of the house to keep my food stamps. She's given me an additional medication to try out to see if it helps. I need to go back at the end of September to see if it's helping. The other big issue is my blood pressure. She wants me to monitor it twice a day for a month to see if we need to tweak medication for there. Right now, I'm waiting for a prescription to be sent to the the right place for me to pick up the monitoring equipment. I'm a little nervous about that, but considering the panic attacks and big life changes happening around here, I can't really be surprised that my blood pressure is high. Still, better to monitor it and get ahead of it than not. They also want me to change back to a birth control shot because it doesn't have estrogen in it and with my age, they don't want to risk the higher chances of blood clots that can come with added estrogen.

Let's see...what's happening other than that?  On Saturday, we moved the boys into Michigan State for their first year of college. I managed to hold it together and not cry, but my mom heart is struggling. I keep wanting to message them to make sure that they're okay, but so far I've resisted. They know how to reach me if they need me. I figure I'll make it maybe to the end of the week, but I'll limit myself to asking them how their first weeks went.

As for me, there's been a pick up in my editing business which is exciting. I'm hoping to continue to see that forward momentum. If I can bring in $600 a month from that, I can stop worrying about having to work outside of the house. Fingers crossed! Very soon I'm going to try to see about getting to the pool. I've been waiting for school to start there so that they can hopefully get themselves sorted into a regular schedule before I jump in. I'm nervous about that too (hello, blood pressure!) but hopefully it's something that I can do. I really think that it will help with my knee joint problems. I just have to find the ...what's the word...strength to pull myself up and out of the house to do it. That's going to be the hard part...well that and not letting nerves get in the way once I'm there.

Fingers crossed, lots of deep breathes, and here we go?

I Need a Plan

If you've been here a while, you know I've been struggling for the past couple of months. My best friend broke my heart and unfortunately, his way of dealing with it is by not dealing with it. The man loves his avoidance and in the past, I've given in and let him off the hook when he's hurt me. I can't do that this time. I've come to respect myself too much, even if it's been two months and I'm still crying.

But, that's not what this post is really about. This post is about me. It's about the me that is struggling and the me that I want to be. It's about the me who has spent just over 24 hours in a hotel and gave herself permission to not do jack. Yep, that's right. for the past 24 hours, I haven't done a single productive thing and if I'm honest, it feels pretty wonderful.

Forever, or so it seems, I've felt guilty if I allowed myself downtime or time just for me. I only watch movies/tv with my kids or if I'm sick. Well, let me rephrase that. I only only watch them in those ways. Usually I'm doing something else at the same time. If I'm allowing myself to play a game, I'm also working through something in my head or making notes on something else I need to do.

For whatever reason, yesterday something clicked and I said, "You know what? You don't have to work. You were sent to this hotel to get away from the heat that was making you sick and yes, to do some writing, but how good will your writing be if you're completely burned out?" So, I've binged watched the latest series of Queer Eye, I've taken a nap, I've spent some much needed online time with "the man".  I've gone swimming...and that last one is kind of important.

I'm not one who has ever loved my body. In other posts, I've probably mentioned how I don't feel pretty or sexy. I feel fat and frumpy and pretty yuck. I need to lose about 100 pounds before I can have breast reduction surgery but it's really hard to lose weight when all of your major appliances have failed and you're struggling with depression. It's tough to cook/eat healthy and dragging yourself out of the house when the heat is a perfect excuse is hard.

Today though, I told myself to stop making excuses and to take advantage of the fact that there's a pool literally across the hallway from my room. I knew there weren't any kids in it because I would have heard them if there were. So, I got on my swimsuit, grabbed my towel and snuck over. Then, I spent 30 minutes or so doing slow laps. I don't do fast laps these days and since I fell getting into the pool (wet hand + damp hand rail + weak knee = oops!) I was trying not to push too hard. At the end of those 30 minutes, I'd done a lot of thinking and my arms were tired, but that good tired. The tired that I used to love when I swam regularly.

What did I decide? Well....a few things....

1. I need to get the house in order. I know that when I walk back into it, the depression is lurking there waiting for me as well as every thought of being a failure. Somehow, I have to push past that to start making changes. It seems minor, but I'm going to try to spend one hour each day working on the house...15 minutes in the living room and 45 minutes (broken into 15 minute chunks) in a different room each week.  I'll also take advantage of when/if the boys come over to get some of the bigger tasks taken care of.

2. I need to get me in order. I love the pool. I love swimming. It's an exercise that my doctor actually recommended. I'm not quite sure how to make this one happen, but I need to try. The community center in Hastings has a pool and I believe that they have open swim times and possibly even lap times. I've not looked into it because of my own self-consciousness...what will people think about this big, fat person in a pool? What if my slow laps hold up other people? Well, what if I never try and end up not able to get up off my couch? Priorities, right?

Anyway, I know they have a pool but there will be challenges. First, it's 30 minutes away (like near everything else) and I'd have to get some sort of membership and those aren't cheap. I don't know quite how I'll make it happen, but I'd really like to.

3. I need to get my business in order. I love what I do and I'm good at it. Somehow I have to get my name in front of people. I was thinking of running an introductory price special with a discounted price for new clients as well as those who recommend them. I'd also like to have business cards made up. I'm supposed to be going to a big comic convention in October and I think it might help to have a double sided card made up...one side having Geek-o-Rama on it and the other side having my editing/proofreading on it.

4. I need to get my finances in order.  They're not really out of order in the way that I have no idea what they are. I totally know what they are. They're non-existent. I need to start bringing money in so I can afford to do things like go to the pool, to pay off the fridge, to buy a new stove and microwave...and a thousand other things like paint for the living room. Life costs money and I don't have money. For the first time since my last failed attempt at getting a job, I'm considering applying for a job at the "local" gas station once the boys are safely installed at college. It scares me spitless, but I have to do something.

I publicly stated a goal of $600 a month in income this past week and I believe I can do it. I just don't know how fast I can do it.

The other option is believing all those people who keep telling me that it's okay to ask for help and set up some sort of funding type thing to help me get back into a position where I'm on safer ground and can take on more myself.  Honestly though, I have a really tough time believing that people would put in towards it. I remember how hard it was to get people to pledge when we had a gofundme to help send my youngest on a science research trip...and we had reward tiers. I have a KoFi set up now and in all the time that I've had it, only 2 people have used it.

I honestly believe that people don't understand what it's like to have a mental health issue that does its damndest every day to try to keep you from living. They see me...have heard me talk about the struggles of being poor ...and they're just plain tired of it and believe I should have sorted all of this out by now. I admit that I could be wrong and nobody thinks that at all, but it is what I think.

5. I need to get the people in my life in order.  That sounds harsh, but if being mostly away from social media for a couple of days has taught me anything, it's that it stresses me out far more than I had realized. I was on for 5 minutes earlier, just scrolling, and could feel the tension climbing back into my neck and shoulders. This means that I need to start culling people from my list. There are those there who give absolutely nothing of value to my life, but that stress me out whenever I read their posts. They need to go. It's not personal...no wait, it is personal. It's personal to my health and well-being and that's really what I need to be focused on. Quality over quantity and all that.

So...those are my swimming thoughts...Now I have to figure out how to make all of that happen. One step at a time.

Update: A membership to the community center to use just the pool is $20/mo or $200/year.

Ch..Ch...Ch...Changes

Another month has flown by and I can't even tell you where it went. February in Michigan has been brutal with things like polar vortexes, icemageddons, and then a bomb cyclone. There was a lot of drama involving me attempting to get a fridge back into my house and a lot of time just being mom.

Now here we are, the last day before the end of the month and life hasn't slowed down even slightly. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at a jazz orchestra rehearsal. My youngest son has been a part of this audition only group for two years so for two years, I've lost about 8 hours each day getting him here and back...as well as the rehearsal time. He loves it and I love sitting in, even if it takes away from other things I could be...and maybe should be doing.

So, here we are and I'm trying to sort through the stuff in my head. Thank goodness I have all of you to talk to about things! It really does help me work through them.

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Nope, let's back up. On Monday, I took myself off to a hotel for an overnight stay. My water heater has decided it doesn't like hot water anymore and with the appointment coming up, I needed a night away and a long, hot shower. Best decision I've made in a while. Thank goodness for tiny tax returns which let me do that. I got to relax and rest up which I badly needed.

Then, yesterday, I went to see a plastic surgeon. If you know me, you know I have huge boobs. You'll also know that I'd rather not, but I'd never have plastic surgery for vanity's sake. They're causing me issues. My collar bone hurts a lot of the time. I never have straight shoulders. I'm always hunched over because of them. Boobs weigh a lot, guys. So, after my doctor asking me about it for over five years, I decided it was time. It took me almost 5 months to get this appointment.

The doctor was super nice, but basically laid it out that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it pre-surgery. If I do the surgery first and then lose the weight, the boobs will sag, and he doesn't think I'd be happy with them. The reality is that they beyond sag now and they're not close to symmetrical. Still, if I'm going to go through all of this, I do want to look down and be happy afterwards.

I left the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I wasn't hurt or upset by anything that he said. He couldn't have been nicer. He told me that if I wanted to go ahead now, he would do the full exam and proceed. He also suggested, that if I wanted, I could come back in six months and we could reevaluate everything. That would give me time to work on losing weight if that's what I wanted to do. If, at that point, I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be yet, we could put it off another three to six months.

I sat and cried because I'm so angry with myself that I've allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where I've gotten to the weight I am. I'm frustrated because I've dug myself into this deep hole between my health, weight, and house. I'm overwhelmed. I look around and don't know quite how to dig myself out. On top of everything, DHS took my projected income form for this year (which they required me to predict and which I am nowhere near making at this point) and cut my food stamps down to less than $300 a month for three of us. Luckily, Ben is off at school and Roger is busy with school and work and music, so isn't at my house all of the time.

Still, I have no idea how to feed even just me in a super healthy way with that amount of money. I'm sure it's not impossible and I'll just have to be incredibly careful about what I do buy. I'll have to tightly meal plan and stick with it.

I want to do this. I know I can do this. I'm also completely overwhelmed. I don't really know where to start. No, that's not true either! I'm full of arguing with myself tonight. I guess here's the tiny baby plan as much as it is:

1. Start logging calories using My Fitness Pal. Not so much trying to keep within what it's saying but logging so I can see where the problems may be.
2. Take the last bit of my tax return and order some glass water bottles for the fridge. I may not have hot water, but I do have water and a filter for the kitchen tap. This will allow me to not have to buy water and save a bit of money there while at the same time having a healthy drink option in the house.
3. Start talking with my tiny Facebook weight loss group about things. Support is super important.
4. Continue taking my medication. Last night I started back on a half dose of my anti-depressant and a full dose of my blood pressure medication.

Hmm...I guess it really is a tiny baby plan. That's all I've got right now.  I have six months to see how far I can get. I'm stuck without much exercise right now because I can't safely get out of the house and walk, but maybe in another month or two I can add that in. I do have a Fitbit, even if the rubber band causes my skin to react. Perhaps for my birthday (in 6 months), I can ask for a leather band for it to help alleviate that problem. If I can make some changes around the house, maybe I can start walking from one side to the other...I figure it'll only take a few hundred trips to make a mile..heh...

For now though, it's one baby step at a time. If anyone knows of some low impact exercises I can do at home that don't require a lot of space, please let me know! I'm still getting over a sprained ankle and what I suspect is a pinched nerve in my elbow, but I'm willing to try new things.

Take care of all of you!

Current Weight: 313.5
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 1

Changes Have to Happen

This sounds brave, right?

I promised all of you an update after I'd seen the doctor so I'm back! It didn't even take me two weeks! I know you're as proud of me as I am about that.

The appointment actually went really well. I intentionally set it with the nurse practitioner because she's a bit more laid back than my doctor. I guess even a couple of months ago I had my suspicions that my results this year were going to be a problem.

I went in and the first thing she touched on, of all things, was my birth control. I swear that there isn't one that doesn't have some sort of issue. After three years, I went off the depo shot because that's the limit before studies have shown bone density loss. I went onto the patch because I really do need something that's more set it and forget it. It turns out that there's a higher chance of blood clots with it so I need to watch for swelling, redness, and warmth in my legs. Really, a girl cannot win with these things.

After that, she touched on my cholesterol levels. While they've always been high, they jumped about 50 point in this past year. That's not really good. We discussed the idea of putting me on meds while I worked on the diet side, but the risk calculator didn't put me at a high enough risk that she felt it was worth it.

I talked to her about how I'd already started making small changes...like not buying chips or cookies anymore and making soda a treat and not a regular thing. She seemed impressed that I'd already started working on things. I also talked to her about how I'd lost weight in the past (Does anyone remember my Mamavation days?) and how I'd done it. We came to the conclusion that accountability seems to really work for me. She suggested getting involved in something like Diet Bet, but I don't really have the extra funds available right now. I really appreciated how she talked about how she'd done it with her sister over the winter. I never felt lectured which was such a relief.

I got through my pap smear, talked to her about how I think my allergies are affecting my one eye (and got something to try out for a couple of weeks to see if it helps), and came away with a reminder to schedule my mammogram and they're going to work on finding a surgeon that accepts my insurance (another issue for another post).

So, to recap. No leukemia. No liver failure. I'm not dying but I do have to make some diet and life changes.

The other day, I talked about some of the first steps in this process. Today, those steps seem so much more important because two people that I've known through my time in the comics industry have died in the past two days. Both of them had weight issues and while I don't know if those issues played a role in their deaths, I know that they probably didn't help.

I'm taking today to work on a meal plan for this coming week and to make a list of tools that I'm going to need to help. I know for sure that I need a new scale. My old one broke ages ago and while I have no intention of becoming obsessive about weighing in, I do need to do it about once a week to mark my progress. I'm also going to need a few things in the kitchen.

Remember how I mentioned accountability earlier? One of my friends and I have started a support group on Facebook. It's going to be a place where we can support each other, share tips, share recipes, and ask questions. It's all about working together for all of us to get healthier. If you'd like to join, you can find it at Welcoming Weight Loss. I'm also going to work on posting here more often and at the bottom of the posts, bringing back:

Previous Weight:
Current Weight:
Change in Weight:
Average Water Consumption:

It's going to take a while to build these habits, but every journey starts with a single step...or blog post.

Health Update

Self-Diagnosis Can Be Scary

I can't believe that it's been an entire month since I posted here! I have no excuses, just life. Still, for those of you who do follow along at home and for my own sanity, I wanted to post an update.

Last week, I went and had my yearly blood work done. Well, I went, they stabbed me and took 3 vials of blood and then I went and had my tattoo worked on while they worked on my blood.

Today, I saw that the lab results were up on my patient portal and being one who doesn't like to be surprised at the doctor's office, I took a look. Really, I'm not sure if this is a good habit or a bad habit. After all, with me, something is always wrong with the results. Usually, it's my cholesterol. It's something that I've had a problem with since I was in my 20s.

Today? There was a whole slew of things and, of course, I had to go look them up to see what they mean. Since I figure no one should ever freak out alone, I'm going to break them down for you and tell you the worst possible meaning...Ready?

CBC Test

Gran # - 9.4 (normal: 2.0-8.1)
Red Cell Distribution Width - 14.4 (normal:11.5-14)

White Blood Count - 13.9 (normal: 4.8-10.8)

• Gran # stands for granulocytes. According to one website, "Granulocytosis occurs when there are too many granulocytes in the blood. It’s a condition that’s closely related to chronic myelogenous leukemia (CML) and other bone marrow disorders.

Granulocytes are white blood cells that have small granules or particles. These granules contain numerous proteins that are responsible for helping the immune system fight off viruses and bacteria. Neutrophils, eosinophils, and basophils are three types of granulocytes."

Leukemia and one marrow disorders, you say? Oh well now...that's nothing to panic over.

• Red Cell Distribution Width ...I didn't even know that this was thing until today. Of course, research was needed and I found this gem:

"High RDW and normal MCV. This suggests a deficiency of iron, B-12, or folate. It may also indicate chronic liver disease."

Woot! Leukemia and chronic liver disease! I'm on a roll here!

• Of course, we know that a high WBC means most likely there's an infection of some sort...I'd say that leukemia and chronic liver disease may fall under this....

In all seriousness, if I didn't know that it's most likely my Glucose levels being borderline diabetic causing not only these but my Albumin and Globulin levels to be off, I'd probably be completely panicking by now. Granted, the WBC does throw me a bit, but I suspect that it's nothing more serious than the ongoing allergy issues that I have every summer. 

So, odds are that I don't have a) liver failure b) leukemia or the popular WebMD conclusion c) cancer.

Instead, what I have is a body that is screaming out for healthier foods, more water and some exercise. On some levels, that's almost as scary to me because it seems like this huge thing...I mean, realistically, I need to lose around 150 pounds and I no desire or ability to go through surgery to do so. 

My insurance won't cover anything like a nutritionist or a gym membership. So, this is all me. I have to do this. If someone is going to save me, it has to be me. No pressure, right? Okay, only all the pressure. Yep...all the pressure and I'm feeling it tonight. 

So, what's a girl to do who is freaking out a tiny bit and working their way into a panic attack? She takes a few deep breathes and then together with all of you, she starts making a plan....

I'd already started making a few baby steps towards this.  I've stopped buying any chips or cookies. I haven't really bought any soda, either. There are all three in the house (well, maybe not on the cookies. I'm not actually sure) and I'm not just going to pitch them into the trash. I will be rationing them, however. I actually haven't had any soda in about a month. 

Does that mean I've switched to all water? No, I'm afraid that it doesn't. I've switched to pink lemonade and flavored bottled teas. Like I said, baby steps. From now on, I'm going to start filling my travel mug up with three mugs of water before I have anything else. I'm not cutting it out of my life, but I am cutting back on it. 

My kitchen is an utter tip so I need to work on getting that back into a functioning space. I've already started slowly emptying the fridge of anything that nobody is ever going to eat. This should make room for healthier choices and things that I actually want to eat. 

Meal planning is going to be a big one. I recently added a meal playing layout to my bullet journal so that will help, I think. If I can plan ahead, it will mean less frozen dinners tossed into the microwave. I really need to get away from the processed foods that have been my life since my last major bout of depression.

My Weekly Meal Plan Layout

I think one last thing to kick this off. I already have a habit tracker in my bullet journal for each month, but I think I'm going to create a second one. It's going to be completely dedicated towards getting physically healthier. I'll move my water, no soda and no candy ones to it and also add things like : ate three meals today, tracked my calories today, etc. to it. It will make my other one smaller but that's okay. I need to have a place where this is all right in front of me.

Let's summarize my current 4 step plan towards baby stepping to being healthier:

1. More water, less sugared drinks.
2. Sorting out the kitchen.
3. Meal planning.
4. Healthy Habits tracker for my bullet journal.

That really doesn't seem like much but I also know that I can't overwhelm myself or none of those numbers above will get any better. 

Now, if you've read this far, you're a total superhero. Please feel free to reach out to me with your stories or your encouragement. I'm so thankful for every single person that takes the time to read here. 

On Ending the Stigma

I spend quite a bit of time driving back and forth from the village that I live in to the town that the boys' dad lives. Today, while taking the youngest into work, I got to thinking about a post that I saw on Facebook the other day. I guess that in some ways, it inspired me to sit down and write this post.

The post included an article where a woman talked about what depression was to her. Honestly, I read it and I didn't feel as if I connected to the article so I'm not going to link it here. What did stand out to me was my friend's response to it. I'm doing this from memory, but essentially, she said that she wished more people would post about their struggles with depression.

I read her comment and I sighed. Yep, sitting on my couch, I sighed loud enough that my kids looked up and wondered what was wrong. You see, I know multiple people, myself included, who tried to publicly share their struggles with depression and it didn't really go so well. For me, I had people unfriend me and others that I know stopped following me. It felt as if nobody wanted to see it and nobody cared. I stopped sharing and so did others that I know. I commented essentially saying that.

Here's the part though that truly got me thinking... both on that post and in a private conversation, two people commented saying that it's not that people don't care, it's that they don't know what to say. Okay, I get that but to leave or to say nothing can be far more harmful than you accidentally saying the wrong supportive thing. I understand that reading about someone's #BadBrainDay (the hashtag I use on social media) and what that might entail can make people uncomfortable, but here's the thing.. Mental illness and depression are uncomfortable. They're not just uncomfortable for people to read about on social media, but they're incredibly uncomfortable for the people who are having to live with them and for the people who love them. Maybe I should say.. those who are trying to live with them because not everyone is successful. Suicide is a very real and very terrifying possibility for a lot of us who are dealing with these things.

Mental illness and depression are uncomfortable for everyone. How do we end that? For those living with these diseases, there's no real way to truly end it. We'd have to find a miracle cure that would take these things away. That's not realistic. How do we make them more comfortable for everyone else? We talk about it. We educate. We teach people what they can do to help. We keep talking even though it feels as if we're yelling at the wind and that nobody cares.

Everyone's experiences with mental illness differ. As they say, your mileage may vary. There are some things in common, but I can't speak for what helps everyone else. I can only tell you what helps me and know that most likely it applies to others as well. That being said, here are 5 things that you can do to help someone who is struggling:

1. Listen - The words that come out of my mouth (or fingers) may sound like total gibberish and nonsense to you, but they're very real to me. Depression lies and it's good at it. Sometimes those thoughts just keep building up in a person's head and they need someone that they can vent it out to. In my case, I'm not asking or even wanting you to fix anything. I just need to have someone safe that I can vent it all out to.

2. Ask what the person needs - Sometimes what helps the most is knowing that someone wants to help. Ask what you can do to help. For me, sometimes it's something as simple as, "Hey, could you send me a text around 10pm to remind me to take my medicine?"  When things get bad, things like my memory get bad and it's easy to forget to do the very things that could help the most.

3. Encourage - When things get bad, self-care goes out the window. Showering, brushing your teeth, taking medication..the basics that a lot of people take for granted get shoved aside in the desire to just curl up and hide. Encourage...don't bully or push...to do one small self-care task. Heck, disguise it if you have to... "I need to wrap up this email to my boss, why don't you go grab a snack and we'll meet back up in a little bit?"  Sometimes that tiny nudge reminds me that hey, I haven't eaten today and I should.

4. Don't shame - Depression makes the world dark and gloomy. It's the very pit of negativity. Please do not chastise people for being negative or feeling that way. Shaming people who are already feeling as if the entire world is against them only shoves them further down what can be a very slippery slope. I've had people with the best of intentions say to me, "You're stronger than this." I know that they mean well and that they're trying to be encouraging but that isn't what I hear. I hear, "You should be stronger than this but you're failing at even that."

5. Reach out - This is a great one, even if someone isn't caught up in a depressive episode. We all need to feel loved and wanted and there's no greater way to have that happen than to have people reach out to us. If you're local, suggest that you get together. It doesn't have to be something big..how about asking if they'd like to get together and go for a walk? Exercise and fresh air are great for depression. How about asking if you can get together and have a movie marathon? Nobody has to talk, nobody has to do anything. You're just there and they're not alone.  Not local? Send them a message or a text and just say hey, I was thinking about you and wanted to say hi. That leaves the door open for them to initiate conversation. Even if they don't, it's a great reminder that they're not alone.

6. Bonus comes in the form of this graphic that just came across my feed:

I know that it's hard to watch someone that you care about deal with this. It can be hard to know what to say or what to do. I also know that watching my friend count drop as I deal with depression and feeling as if nobody cares can send me further into a spiral. It's the last thing that anyone needs. If you're on social media and you see those posts, don't run away simply because it's uncomfortable for you or because you don't know what to say. Something as small as a comment that says *hugs* or I love you or I'm thinking about you can make a world of difference. You don't have to engage any more than that if it's too hard for you.

Depression and mental illness are uncomfortable. Talking about it when you're afraid people will reject you is uncomfortable. If you truly want to end the stigma, sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable. I sometimes use the hashtag #DoItAfraid ...I invite anyone who is struggling to use any of my hashtags and also the ones that we're familiar with. (#DoItAfraid, #BadBrainDay, #DepressionLies, #EndTheStigma)

As for me, I have this blog as my place to talk about these things and I plan on continuing to.

Ugh...Allergies!

Ugh. Does anyone know when grass pollen season ends? We've been under a pollen warning for at least 2 months now. It wasn't too bad at first when it was tree pollen but now that grass pollen has been sitting at very high for weeks, I'm at my wit's end.

For those that don't know, I have some nasty allergies and it seems that this year they're worse than ever. Grass pollen is the biggest culprit and it's gotten to that point that I've doubled up my allergy meds and I'm still in tons of pain. Unfortunately for me, when my allergies act up, the left side of my sinuses swell and cause me intense pain in that area, my left eye, my left ear, and the left side of my jaw. It makes getting any accomplished nearly impossible. The only thing that helps it is to "drink" water constantly.

Why the quotes? Because I'm not actually swallowing right away. I hold it in the upper part of the left side of my mouth and almost float my sinuses. It relieves the pressure briefly but let me tell you, getting 64 ounces of water a day has been a breeze! It's insane the amount of water that I drink. I haven't been keeping track but I know it's 64 ounces or more every day.

I've also been really good about taking my medicine, two-thirds of which is allergy related. It helps or at least I'm hoping it's helping! Either way, I'm proud of being on top of those two things. I still need to get into the habit of wearing my fit bit and making sure I make those step goals. Hopefully the grass will stop making grass babies soon and I can get outside more. It's actually gotten so bad that we're ordering masks for me to wear (at least while at home).

So, I'm still here, I'm still slowly plugging away at this and I'm thankful for anyone who stops by and reads this. It's good for all of us to know that we're not alone in this pollen spewing universe.

Things Are Happening!

I love this graphic. It's so peaceful and calming and nothing like my bladder today. You see, I have horrible allergy issues and one of the few things that helps is to take a drink of water and hold it in my mouth on the side of my face that is giving me a hard time. Why does this work? I haven't the slightest idea. It might have something to do with equalizing pressure or some other scientific type thing. All I know is that it works and for the past 18 hours or so, I have ingested a lot of water because of this. In fact, last night it got so bad that I was having to take a drink every five minutes. This led to a few bonus bathroom trips and me being exceptionally tired today.

Still, I know that the water intake is good for me. It will help cleanse my body of junk and will help me have more energy. You know, when it isn't in direct competition with sinus pain keeping me awake. Plus, the more water in me, the less hungry I'll be which can be a very good thing. Though it didn't stop me from eating those reece's cups a bit ago...but let's move on, shall we?

I've been at the library all day trying to get around the desire to nap and instead get some things accomplished. On top of the site work that I did over on Life With Katie, I accomplished drinking 33.8+ ounces of water and going to the bathroom four times. While a bit obnoxious, there's a good side to the bathroom thing too! On Sunday morning I finally found my fitbit charging cable! Now that it's charged and back on my wrist, it's keeping track of all those steps to and from the bathroom.

So far today, I've walked 1,703 steps. It doesn't seem like much but every step counts and with my daily goal being low at 3,000 steps, I'm pretty happy with that number. I'm not a lazy person but I'm absolutely not a very active person either. By finding my FitBit, it's allowing me to visually see where I'm at and its little nudges help me get up and get a few more steps in. I'm sticking with my 3,000 steps a day goal for now but I'm hoping by the end of summer to have doubled that number and to be hitting it regularly.

The same thing goes with my water intake. Today I should hit 64 ounces if I stay on the pace I am now. I'd like to hit that daily. I know some day it will be a challenge, but I also know that if I don't try, I'll never get it.  If I hadn't started taking my medicine, I wouldn't be able to say that I've been nearly perfect at taking it for the past two months. For an entire year before that, I didn't take it. Now, I may miss a day here or there, but I'm taking it. That's awesome.

I have a long ways to go with things. I still need to work on my diet and figuring out some sort of schedule for this summer. Between Roger being gone for another two weeks and then coming back and Ben working five days a week, things have been dodgy. I'm going to keep working on it though and I really love the support y'all give me.

Making Progress

....and I'm back and it's only been about six days or so! Go me!

Okay, enough of that. Let's get serious. Or not. I really don't know where this post is going to go, I just felt as if I wanted to write something, so here I am.

Last post, I talked about babysteps to getting healthier, not slimmer, but healthier. One of those steps was to get back into the habit of taking my medicine. I am one of those people that absolutely suck at remembering to take pills. If I leave them on the bathroom counter, they will never get taken. I know this. I know I'll go into the bathroom and think I need to take that before I leave...and then I'll leave and won't take it. That's just me.

What does this mean? It means that I keep 2 pill bottles on the corner of my living room stand right by where I sit. They're almost always in my line of sight (unless a cat knocks them off) which reminds me that I need to take them. This won't work for everyone, but it works for me. It's worked well enough that since the last post, I haven't missed taking either my blood pressure medication at night or my allergy med in the morning. Is it helping? Honestly, I have no idea but other than being sleepier than usual, it isn't hurting so I'm going to stick with it.

I've also started logging my food intake again. I'm not pushing myself to make changes, just be aware of what I eat. It's step 1 in the healthier eating plan. Be aware of the "values" of things. It's also helped to start getting me back into eating 3 meals a day. I have a really bad habit of either over-eating or under-eating depending on where my mood is. This helps me to regulate that which I think is really going to help.

My plan for this coming week is to just keep doing what I'm doing. It's a really good start and I'm really pleased with my progress with it. I'd love to get out and start walking again but until the pollen count drops a bit, it's safer for me indoors. I don't need to be knocked out of action for a few days due to one walk around the block. Allergies really suck.

So, that's me this week! T-minus 42 days until I go in for blood work, 49 days until my doctor's appointment. I do have to go in next week to get my depo shot done so I'll be stepping on the scale then to give me a starting number for the weight loss. I don't have a scale at home (and I do have really slanting floors) so I'll probably only be weighing in every 3 months when I go in for my shot. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but off the top of my head, I don't know of a better way to do occasional weigh ins. Something to ponder, I guess!

I hope you're all having a great week!

Health and Wellbeing

I don't post here nearly as much as I should and I guess that's because life happens and I stop focusing on my weight and that journey to frantically try to keep all of the other plates spinning.
That's life though, isn't it? Just when we think we have things under control, something happens and suddenly we don't.

The last time I wrote here, I had no way of knowing that a mere month later, my world would come crashing down and I would go into a state of mourning so deep that just getting out of bed each day was a challenge.
But, here we are again and I've made a decision. While the name of this blog is Welcoming Weight Loss, it doesn't have to just be about weight loss. After all, so much of what goes into getting into place where you can safely lose weight is making sure that there's a balance in other areas of your life as well.

Nobody panic. I'm not going to start writing about my kids or my day to day life here. I do think though that from time to time, there will be posts about health in its many forms. Some of you realize that I have mental health issues that I deal with. There's also just life balance. When that's out of whack, it's so easy to just let things slide and if you're me, it's me that gets put to the side.

So, where is this all coming from? Well that's an easy answer. I've been thinking lately that it's past time for me to start taking care of myself more. The weather is getting nicer (when it isn't cold and raining...gotta love Spring in Michigan!) and the house is slowly coming to order. Those things are helping clear the cobwebs from my head (some) and so I decided to go and get my prescriptions refilled. I haven't been taking anything for a while and decided that needed to change.

Except, the pharmacy said they didn't have anything on file for me. It seems I'd used up my refills a while ago and nobody had told me. So, I went online and requested more refills. Easy enough, right? Well it would have been except my doctor's office called and insisted that I set an appointment to have a physical. Ugh. Like 90% of the world, I'm horrible about going to the doctor even when I am sick. To go when I'm not sick...yeah, that almost never happens. Still, I reminded myself about taking care of me and that means sucking it up and going in. Appointment set for June 28th and yesterday, I picked up my prescriptions (one was missing so I need to follow up on that).

I don't take a lot of medication but one of the things that I am supposed to be on is a blood pressure pill. Between my stress levels and my weight, my blood pressure is high. So, phase I of getting my health back to being a priority is to start taking that pill again. I took the first one last night and that's a good first step. Now, I need to get into the habit of taking one each night before bed. I can't take them during the day because they put me to sleep. Phase II is happening a bit alongside phase I. I'm continuing to get my kitchen in order so that I can cook proper meals and not rely on what's quick and easy and usually totally processed.

This is going to be a long haul but I'm hoping that even with these small steps, I won't get totally chewed out at my doctor's appointment next month. It sucks a lot to go into the doctor's office and have your doctor tell you that they're about to give up on you because obviously you don't care about your health. That's what happened the last time I went in...I left really hurt because I'd actually started making changes and had lost about 10 pounds. This time, perhaps I'll stand up for myself if she doesn't see what she wants to see. I guess we'll see...

Happy Surprise

Hi all! Just a quick post in between Roger's busking and Ben's football game. I just had to share this with everyone.

I took this photo of me this morning. I hardly ever have my picture taken or if I do, share them with anyone. This one is different. Two weeks ago, I bought this shirt to support the boys' football team at a scrimmage. Like some people, I have a fat roll above my waist and when I put this shirt on and looked in the mirror, I could see that roll pressed against the shirt. In my mind, it was pushing the shirt out. This morning, I put the shirt on (first conference game is tonight) and thought it felt looser. I looked in the mirror and sure enough, it seems to be fitting much better! The shirt feels as if it's laying against my skin and not my skin shoving it out.

Last week I posted about the numbers, but this week I actually could see the results! I'm feeling them when I eat too. After Roger's busking today, we stopped into the diner to have onion rings (our guilty pleasure) and I noticed that after eating them, I didn't want anything else. It's now been over two hours and I still don't feel as if I'm starving. It feels really good to be seeing the results. Roger and I joked today that the 3x band sweatshirt I ordered this year is going to hang on me by next year if I keep this up. I'm okay with that.

As for right now though, I'm happy just seeing the results and feeling encouraged to keep going. I can't wait until I get my new fitbit (the other died and is out of warranty..boo!) and schedules shift so I have time to jump back onto the treadmill or get back outside for walks. It feels really, really good to be able to say, "I've got this." after my doctor told me that there was no way I could do this on my own. I can, I am, and I will.

Going Down

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since I was at the doctor's office. I think that was about two weeks ago. I suppose I could check, but the time really doesn't matter. What matters is that today, even though I'm having a bad brain, really tired kinda day, I climbed the two sets of stairs up to the community center weight room and I stepped onto that scale. Of course, I had to fiddle with it because you always have to fiddle with the ones where you slide the things across to get your weight.

I was nervous at first because my first real goal that I set was to get below 300 pounds and since 300 is the top of the bottom slider thing and I can never figure out which direction to move the other slider thing, I tend to freak myself out a little bit. Too many years of either nurses doing it or digital scales have caused us to lose certain abilities? Okay, I probably never had that ability to begin with and now I'm just chattering so let's move along...

300 had the bar just sitting there so I moved it to 250 and then started fussing with the top one. Maybe after a while more of doing this it will be a faster process but it took me a minute or two until I got that darn bar balanced and not thwapping itself down. The result? 297. Yep. By simply monitoring my food intake over the past month, I have gone from 318 down to 297. 21 pounds. Not bad for the girl whose doctor told her a year ago that it was impossible for her to lose weight by herself and told her that she should seriously consider weight loss surgery.

Did I eat perfectly during that? Nope. I had one or two days where I went over the calorie amount set for me by the My Fitness Pal app. I honestly haven't stepped foot on the treadmill in probably a month simply because finding any spare time is impossible at this point. My food choices? Not the healthiest but I have started cooking again slowly and I have been honest with myself about what I'm eating and drinking. No hiding things from the app and therefore from myself.

I also haven't made a big deal about my attempts this time. I don't post about it on Facebook or even talk about it outside of a couple of people. Yes, these posts do go up over on my fan page and to my personal page, but I don't draw attention to them. Is this important? It is to me. I needed to prove to myself that even though it would be harder, I could do this on my own. I know that people are there if I have questions or need support, but I want to do this as much on my own as possible. I need to show myself that I am capable of will power and of learning what I need to learn.

So now that I've made my first goal, I have to decide what's next. For me, it's a continuation of my current goals... track my eating habits, learn from them, work on my water intake (always a tough one for me), and yes, there's a new weight goal. 290. Yep, only 7 pounds, but that's how I'm doing this...one pound, two pounds, ten pounds at a time. I have a long way to go and there's no need to freak myself out by looking at the big number. I'll get there and maybe in a year or so, I'll be able to say that I'm on my last 10 pounds to get to that number. Until then though, it's babysteps and little goals.

Holy Busy Batman

Holy cannoli, Batman..I am absolutely done in. This entire summer has been crazy busy and the last three weeks before school starts are always the craziest. On top of that, our little family (me and the boys) is trying to raise money to help send Roger on a science research trip (and his band trip) this coming year. It's insane and because time is running out before his first big payments are due, here's my tiny plug:

Please help send one awesome kid on two awesome trips that he's worked so hard for. To buy our awesome t-shirts designed by Nick of Alt-World head over to TeeSpring and to check out his GoFundMe which has a lot of freaking amazing reward tiers, go to his site!

There's also some personal stress going on so between the financial concerns, the insanely busy schedule, work pressures (that I'm totally putting on myself), and the personal stuff, I am plain done in. It's made really being good a little bit tougher,

Still, for the past seventeen days, I've been really honest with myself about my diet and started tracking it using MyFitnessPal. Yay for free apps! Other than one day when I just kinda said screw it and emotionally ate, I've done pretty well.

Workouts haven't gone as well. Ben had me up on the treadmill three times a week but then he hasn't worked for the past two weeks and I haven't been up at the community center. I have gotten in a bit of walking but not even my tiny daily goal. I have to figure out how/when to fit some sort of walking in. At this point it's the only type of exercise that I can handle. I'm hoping that once the stress of getting another $300 or so by my birthday to the trip folk ($150 by 9/23 and $185 by 9/1) is past and I can start knocking out more of the things that I feel have slipped over the summer then I'll start sleeping better and all of this will just fit together better.

I'm happy to say though that it hasn't all been for loss. No wait, it has been! It's been for a decent loss! By simply monitoring my calorie intake, I've gone from 330 pounds (when I was horribly sick back in June) to 309.8 today. If I use the scale weight taken about 2 weeks ago when I was at the community center and used their old school balance scale, that's still down 9 pounds since then. I'm happy with that and it gives me a nice nudge to keep going. My doctor told me that I couldn't do it, that my body would fight me every single step, but I am doing it. It might be slow but I'm doing it.

For now though, I'm going to smile at my little success and take myself off to bed. Hopefully I'll be back soon with another update as to how things are going. Until then, take care of yourselves!

Tired

Does anyone know what that is? It's the post-workout screen from the treadmill that I got on this morning, even though I had a great excuse why I shouldn't have to.

You see, I was woken up at 3:30 this morning by a bat. Yes, a bat. For some unknown reason, they get into my house and like to do loops around my living room. It's my job to get up and open the door for them so that they can go outside. Except this bat didn't want to go outside. My cat wanted to go outside. He's not supposed to go outside. So, after sitting on the porch/looking for the cat for about an hour and ten minutes, the cat decided he missed me and wanted me to pet him. Instead, I scooped his furry butt up, chewed him out and tried going back in the house...except I couldn't get the door to open. I'd closed the door because one of the other cats was considering going out and the dang bat had disappeared. I had to bang on the door until I woke Ben up to come help me get the door open. It'd swollen in the humidity. All ends well, right? Nope. Remember how I said the bat had disappeared? Well, it reappeared about 5am just when we were falling back to sleep. This time, one of the cats had got it and knocked it to the floor where him and another cat were kindly poking at it. So, it was making that god awful chittering noise that they do when they're not happy. I got up, locked the culprit cat from earlier in the bathroom, opened the door, grabbed the broom, pushed the poor bat outside, slammed the door and attempted to get a couple of hours sleep before we had to get up and on the road this morning.

Yep, great excuse, huh? I didn't take it though. I climbed both flights of steps (god, I cannot wait until those don't leave me winded), double checked that the emergency stop thing was firmly where it belonged, put in my earbuds (does anyone else have trouble keeping those in their ears or do I just have mutant ears?), turned on some music and started walking. My goal was .75 miles but when I got there, I decided I could do just a little bit more. I'm proud of that .85. I moved up to half of that being at 2.2 mph and the other half being at 2.3. Yes, that's still considered a slow walk but considering that back in the Spring I started at 1.8 mph, I'm making good progress in that area. I'm happy to report that my knee is feeling just fine. No permanent damage done by the emergency stop incident of Monday.

Speaking of that, I had a couple of people comment that I need to take it easy, listen to my body, not push too hard, etc. I want to reassure all of you that I'm not pushing too hard. I may not even be pushing hard enough, but I'm testing myself right now and each time I get on the treadmill, my goal is to go a little bit faster or a little bit further. By little bit, I mean like bumping up the speed by .01 mph or going .10 mile further. My goal for Friday? To do the same distance but this time with more of it at the 2.3mph. That's it. A tiny change. I'm starting to believe that maybe I can do this and it would help a ton if others believed in me too.

Let's see...what else? I've tracked my food since Monday and while it's not the healthiest of diets (that will come), I've been under the calorie amount that the app says both days. I'm hoping to stop by my doctor's office tomorrow and if that happens, I'm going to ask to use their digital scale. I tried to use the old fashioned one in the weight room today and it has me 12 pounds less than when I went to urgent care less than 2 months ago. It's possible that it's right but I want to be sure. If it is, I'll adjust things in the app and keep going.

Thank you to those who have sent me messages telling me that you're proud of me. I don't need them but they certainly don't hurt and they make me smile. For ages people have told me to stop focusing so much on taking care of other people, pushing their things, and to focus more on me, what's right for me, my health, my writing, etc. I'm trying to do that and it's really great having friends alongside cheering me on.

Steps...

Long time no write and I don't feel a lick guilty about it. It's been a busy month and the past two weeks have found me taking more steps than I thought I was ready for. Still, life doesn't wait for you to take the steps. You have to take that deep breath (or ten) and put one foot in front of another.

I haven't done this alone. As I take each step I seem to find someone who steps up beside me and tells me that they believe in me and that I've got this.

It started with Nick. He looked me in the eyes and asked me what was stopping me...that stuck with me for days after he asked. What was it that was stopping me? The answer, once I dug past all of the excuses, was simple. Fear. Fear is the only thing holding me back. As he would say, I was getting in my own way.

Then, it was Ben. Yep, my kiddo. He works in the community center three days a week and he made it clear to me that he expects me to be on that treadmill sometime during his one hour shift. It doesn't matter how long I'm on it, what matters to him is that I climbed those two flights of stairs and I got on there and I walked.

Today, it was Joel. Joel had a crappy childhood and suffers from some of the same issues I do. I texted him to tell him about my treadmill accident today and after making sure that I was okay (I am.I'll fill you in on what happened in just a bit.), we started talking about diet and food. We both have food issues. He encouraged me to start journaling what I eat each day. This is something that I've put off. Why? Fear. It always comes down to fear and the fact that I'm my own worst enemy and I was scared that if it were there in black and white, I would spend a lot of time beating myself over making bad choices. Joel told me today that he believes in Katie and her stubbornness. It made me smile and it also made me pause and think. I am horribly stubborn at times and I've been using that in the wrong direction or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've let my fears use it.

So, today I came home and I installed MyFitnessPal on my phone. Since I had to confirm my email, I spent some time on the laptop looking at the app, putting in all the information and then blinked at the screen at the number of calories I should be eating every day so that I lose about a pound each week. Then, I put in my little bit of walking and the few things I had eaten today.

...We're going to tangent just for a minute, then I promise I'll get back to the app....

I have three food modes. The first is where I barely eat. Today was one of those days. The second is where I can't seem to stop eating. The third is where I eat normally. There's not always a rhyme or reason why any day is what it is.

.......

And we're back! So, I put in the 3 food items that I ate today and discovered that I'm still 1818 calories short for the day. That seems like a heck of a lot and I'll be honest, I'm not going to make an attempt at forcing them in. I'm going to eat dinner, enter that, and see where I'm at. This is going to be a learning tool so that I can see what's worth what and what my tendencies are. I need a brain change. Instead of looking at things as if it's not enough or I'm failing, I need to look at it as if I'm teaching myself what's okay and what's not okay. It's not something I grew up learning and as Nick would tell me, it's time I put my big brain to work for me.

So, what are these steps?

1. Three days a week, I'm going to get on the treadmill where Ben works.
2. I'm going to go back to watching my water intake (time to kill that whole chronic dehydration thing.
3. I'm going to track my food intake and see where I can make changes.
4. I'm going to continue menu planning and working on sticking with it.
5. When the weather isn't trying to kill us and Roger is here, we're going to walk around the village pokemon hunting.

There's nothing so big there that I can't do it and even if it takes time to gather data and make additional changes, these steps are pointing me in the right direction.

Oh! I almost forgot. I promised to tell you about my treadmill accident...

Today, I climbed up onto the treadmill, set my pace (I'm working at about a 2.1 right now, built up from 1.8) and started walking. Here's where the fun began. Have you ever seen those stop sign shaped things with the clip attached to them that are usually by the actual stop button? Well, as I'm walking, the clip is swinging and it must have snagged on me somehow because the next thing I know, the treadmill has come to a dead stop and I nearly face plant into the front of it. Turns out that's the emergency stop magnet and when it comes off, everything stops. Sadly, my leg hadn't stopped and I wrenched my knee.  It didn't seem too bad so I put the magnet back, made sure it wasn't going anywhere and walked another .55 miles (in addition to my whopping .04) before I decided the knee was getting worse and tightening up so I quit, stood there with sweat dripping off me (did I mention the weight room isn't air conditioned?) and talked to Ben for a minute before working my way back down those two blasted sets of stairs to relax for while in the air conditioning until Ben got done with work. As of right now, it's sore but I suspect that by Wednesday it's going to be okay enough to get back on there and see if I can't get up to an average speed of 2.2 (2.5 is considered a leisurely pace so I'm still on the moving slow side) and go a bit longer.

See? I have goals! What a crazy feeling..I'm taking control back. I'm stepping out of my self created prison and I'm moving forward...one step at a time..or in today's case, one limp at a t

Fit For Good

Good morning and Happy Tuesday! I swear that I almost typed Monday there. That's not a good sign, but I'm going to just laugh and keep going. No use dwelling on how little time I have this week!

So, how is everyone else doing out there? I know a few of you stop by to read this crazy thing and you're on my mind today. I hope life is treating you well and that you're kicking ass and having an amazing time doing it.

As for me, I'm doing pretty well. I took Sunday off, but other than that, I have now officially been out walking for 7 days now. I've been making my tiny goal of 3,000 steps each day, no matter what my Fitbit says. Seriously. My Fitbit hasn't been properly registering my inside the house steps so my total for yesterday, according to it, was 2,999. I know I got more than that since I walked from the kitchen to the bathroom to the living room after that. Crazy thing! Still, if it says I made my goal it just means I've gotten at least a few more than that. That makes me happy.

Let's see...what else is happening here? There's the usual stuff of trying desperately to catch up on housework, helping Ben with homework and running Geek-o-Rama. On top of that, I have a convention appearance coming up that I'm trying to prepare for and I was just hired to do some paid work for someone. All of this is super exciting, but keeping me super busy! Did I mention that my ex-husband *just* texted me to ask if I were going to some band parents' meeting that I knew nothing about and happens to be tonight? No problem. I'm supermom, superme and sometimes it feels as if I'm challenging the universe. One more thing? No problem. I don't need to sleep, eat, or any of that stuff normal humans do...

Seriously though, life is insanely busy right now which means that fitting in my walks is even more important. It would be so incredibly easy to just let it slip, but I'm finding that for the first time in a very long time, I don't want to let it slip. I won't lie. I considered it Saturday when we were sitting at a swim meet all day long. Instead, I talked to Ben about it and during diving we did little things like taking a walk out to the car to get a notebook so that we could make a shopping list. We walked around the pool deck a little bit and we made that goal. In fact, we beat it by something like 700 steps. I'm pretty proud of us and here's the thing... If I can do this when the weather is turning blech and life keeps throwing things at me, I can do this when it's easier. Trial by fire and all of that. I just need to get through these next couple of weeks so that I can create a workout space within the house for when the snow starts flying.

For now though, I'm going to sign off and get to work. Have an amazing day, darlings and feel free to say hi now and again!

Oh! I never explained today's graphic! Fitbit is doing this really awesome thing where they're donating money to some awesome charities and the charity with the most steps attached to it gets the highest amount! So, not only are you getting healthier by getting out and walking, but you're also helping others. Since I'm already walking, I'm using this as a bit of extra motivation. If you have a Fitbit, you should check it out! Look for #FitForGood

Double oh! I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday where my weight is going to be the major topic of conversation. My doctor has flat out told me that she doesn't think I can lose weight on my own and wants me to go to this place where essentially they're checking to see if you're a good candidate for surgery. Surgery isn't on my agenda so finger's crossed she can see that there's a difference! Not to mention, I'm thinking treatment for my anemia would be a darn good thing.