Monday, October 19, 2020

Weekly Update: Backsliding

 I'm getting a late start today because I've spent the past few nights up far too late. That means I sleep in way too late and a cycle begins. Starting tonight I've got to buckle down and get myself to bed on time and start turning on that alarm that I said I was going to. I guess I did a bit of backsliding, but it's nothing that can't be readjusted. 

Other than that, things are okay. I got my car fixed so that's one less worry. I even got a load of laundry done for the first time in months. I'm going to try to get another load done today. It will probably have to wait until I get back from taking Ben to OT, but it can be done. Baby steps are still steps, after all. 

The kittens both go in to be fixed on Wednesday so I have to remember no food for them after midnight tomorrow. They're not going to like it, but I'll have to keep them in the bathroom overnight. Of course, that means one night of Mina not sticking her face in mine until I wake up to her cold nose. Of course, it also means getting up early to get them into the vet on time. I guess it balances out.

In other news, I managed to write another story for the book. It feels different from the other stories though so I hope it fits in. I also managed to write two comic reviews and a Kickstarter of the Week for Geek-o-Rama so that felt really good. I hadn't written a review in forever. I'm going to try to do one more this week. I have stacks off comics sitting here that I can write about. 

Let's see...still nothing from "the man." I think this is week 5 now. I saw a picture of him yesterday and he looks tired, like life is dragging him down. I'm not spending much time focused on him though. I have my own life that needs living. Things with Rob are okay. We've settled into a pattern of him texting me every few days and sometimes me texting somewhere in between. He's back to his life now though so he doesn't always respond. I'm sure he reads it, thinks he'll respond when he gets a minute, then forgets. I dunno. It is what it is. 

Wow, I really don't know what to write about today. Usually the words flow, but not this afternoon. My brain just keeps telling me I should go back to sleep. That's not going to happen though. I have just two hours until I have to change clothes and head out. Sorry, body. 

What I am going to do though is get some work done. I feel miles behind on this book for a client and I have some comic projects lined up for after that so I need to get moving on this. Have an amazing week, everyone.

Love you!



Monday, October 12, 2020

Weekly Update: Safe Spaces

 Before I get into the topic at hand this week, I want to just sum up this week's ...well, week. I'd have to say that it was good. It started with Ben here which I really enjoyed. I tackled a good portion of the living room which has helped my mood. Of course, the cats have knocked a few things over so I have to redo a bit of it. I'm still not sleeping great, but there's not much that can be done about that. I do need to remember to take some water upstairs tonight because my bottle is empty.

I also finally got to start work on the book for my client in. As of this writing, I'm only 82 pages in out of 250, but I'm making progress and if the week goes mostly like planned, I should finish it at the week's end. Then, I can pay my yard guy who yet again cannot grasp the concept of twice a month mowing and did every two weeks instead which put me $100 behind with him. I'm thinking of asking him to only mow one more time and that's it for the season. We haven't been getting rain, so the grass isn't really growing. 

I did take my car in to be looked at and luckily, the problem is under warranty so the only thing I have to pay for is two new tires. That will be done on Thursday so one more worry off my plate.  

Medicine has been going well. I think I'm two weeks in now and no more horrible side effects and I feel...calmer. I've also been doing well with my in bed and laying down by midnight bedtime. I think I'm going to start setting an alarm for getting up in the morning. It will be pretty late in the morning but I'll slowly move it up until it's a "normal time" for people to be up and moving. I still intend to talk to my doctor next month about how tired I always seem to be.

...and I don't have a beautiful segue into the topic that's been on my mind for the past day or so. I think I've been thinking about it because I've been thinking so much about Rob and "the man" and what they give to me. One thing has always been a safe space. I know that must seem odd because "the man" has been rather...off...lately. But when we're physically together, everything seems right and I feel safe.

I used to have quite a few safe spaces, but over the years, they've one by one disappeared. A number of years ago, I was in a relationship that ended rather abruptly. The next day, I got into my van and drove to Vermont, mostly because Rob wasn't available. If I had to guess, I'd say his girlfriend at the time made sure to let him know I wasn't welcome to visit. Sad really because I adored her and thought of her as family. Anyway, I ended up in Vermont and hid there for a couple of days. That location disappeared when Dave got married to a Canadian friend who didn't want to go back to Canada. I was never introduced and strangers don't equal safe to me. 

Rob has always been a safe space for me, no matter where he's lived. I've always known that he watches out for me and that I can just be me when I'm around him. I don't have to be "on." It's a really nice feeling. I miss not being able to get to that because of the border. I don't really need a safe space right now, but I feel as if maybe he does. I hope he considers me a safe space as well.

As for "the man," I'm not a safe space for him. It's been a month since I last heard from him and whenever this happens, it means something has shaken up his world. He doesn't confide in me...unless we're physically together...which only happens months after whatever happened happened. It sucks. It's not ideal for either of us. I miss him. 

I miss quite a bit  right now though. Covid has taken that ability to be those places. I keep hoping that we can get our acts together and somehow I can hug and kiss those I love again. I have a great desire to just curl up and talk or watch a movie or any of those intimate little things that make life so much better. I'm sure a lot of people do. 

Until we can though...Please take care of yourselves and each other...





PS I'm sorry about the lack of paragraphs still. I've reported it as a problem multiple times now.

Monday, October 5, 2020

Weekly Update: 95% Back to Normal

 Whew. What a difference a week makes. Last week was so hard but I'm thankful to report that I've weathered the storm of getting back on my medication and I'm feeling so much better. Now, to remind myself how miserable that week was when I start thinking about going off the meds again. I don't know why I do that. I'm so good about them for ages then I just stop one night. At least this last time I had pneumonia as a reason, but still...

Anyway, that's over, thank goodness. I don't have very much else to report since I spent the entire week pretty much on the couch. I did go into town with Ben and had lunch on Wednesday. That was nice except for the fact that food just didn't appeal to me. I'm still finding that to be a bit of a problem. I know I need to eat but once the food is in front of me, I'm kind of meh about it. It's frustrating because I don't want to waste food so I either force myself to eat it or I put it in the fridge and hope it sounds better later. 

Since there's not much to say about last week, I guess I'll jot down my goals for this coming week:

1. Finish cleaning the bathroom

2. Work on the living room

3. Help Ben with homework

4. Log new client's book

5. Start new client's book

6. Continue in bed by midnight

7. Set up appointment to get the kittens spayed/neutered


Not a complicated list but one that I think is achievable which is important after last week where I got essentially nothing accomplished. Some of it I can knock out today which will help set me up with time to work on the book. That's going to be a big one. It's the writer's first novel which is always special and just a little bit scary. For now though, I'm going to put a call into our vet and get these babies scheduled to be fixed. 

Take care of yourself and each other!



Monday, September 28, 2020

Medication Journal

 Day 1 (9/28): Took medication (2 mg Aripiprazole, 40 mg Citalopram) at 10pm the night before. Went to bed at 11pm.  Didn't sleep well. Tossed and turned, unable to stay asleep. Sometime in early hours of morning realized I'd developed a headache and sinus pain. Got up around 8am, took migraine medication and allergy medication. Then slept until 11am. Things feel a bit slow motion. Still going to try to push through with plans for today though client work may be extremely difficult. Headache seems to be trying to return (12:12pm). 


Day 2 (9/29): Took medication at 9:57 pm. Went to bed at 11pm. Slept better, but was woken up at 3:45 am by kittens who wanted to play. Went back to sleep but woke up at 5:30. Came downstairs, used the bathroom, and laid down on the couch. Fell back to sleep around 6:30 am. Woke up briefly at 9:30 am and then at 11. Went to the post office. Head feels funny and I'm nauseous. I wanted to get the shopping done today, but I don't think it's in the cards. I'm going to try to push through and do email and go from there.


Day 3: (9/30): Had a major headache yesterday afternoon/evening. Ended up having to take medicine for it. Took medication at 11 pm (damn debate) and bed around 12:45 am. Woke up 3-4 times during the night, but didn't check the times. Woke up at 7:30 and then at 7:50 when the kittens started playing on top of me. Feel groggy and already have a headache/nausea coming on. 


Day 4: (10/1): Took medication at 10pm and was in bed by 11pm. Too tired to read. Still headachey during the day and appetite is toast. I get hungry but when food is put in front of me, I don't really want it. Bonus? I have nearly an entire bowl of pasta in the fridge from where I didn't eat it when Ben and I went out for lunch yesterday. Didn't sleep well, but I think that was due to the pair of void monsters who didn't want to sleep. I think I woke up at least 4 times due to being attacked or wrestled on. Didn't end up getting up until nearly 10:30am and I'm exhausted with a headache. Probably going to take today to do the minimum and that's about it. 


Day 5: (10/2): Took medication at 10pm and laid down on the couch, falling asleep just after midnight. Huge mistake. I didn't sleep well at all and woke up once an hour or so but was too tired to drag myself upstairs. Slight headache and intermittent nausea today. Mostly just super tired. Fingers crossed that either this weekend or tomorrow I'll be back on track. 


Day 6: (10/3): Took medication at 10pm and went to bed around midnight. Slept under my weighted blanket for the first time. Other than it being hard to roll over under it, I enjoyed it. Slept through the night except for the kittens waking me up once and Dorian deciding that'd be a great time to start poking me in the face so I would pet him. Didn't wake up until about 10:30am. Essentially no headache this morning and only the slightest bit of queasiness. Actually feeling some motivation to do something which is a nice change. 


Day 7: (10/4): Took medication at 10pm and went to bed around 11:30pm. After waking up a few times, I ended up sleeping until around 12:25pm. Did have a headache overnight but it was mostly gone by morning. Actually stayed awake unlike the day before when I woke up at 10:30 and was back asleep from noon - three. Mostly laid on the couch but did get the disgusting towel out of the bathtub and that bag of trash taken out. It's not much, but it's something.


Day 8: (10/5): Last planned entry. Took medication at 10pm and went to bed at midnight. Woke up a few times and didn't end up getting up until 11:30 am. I really didn't want to leave the warm, comfy bed but my bladder demanded otherwise. I'd say I'm feeling 95% normal which is good. It means my brain is clear and I can get things done.  I do have a slight headache but not so bad that I can't function. 

Weekly Update: Medication Haze

 My brain feels so weird today and I know this post/day is going to be a challenge to get through, but I'm going to try my best.

Last night, for the first time in months, I took my medication. I took it around 10 pm and went to be around 11. I had plans to read, but I was just too tired so I went pretty much right to sleep. Except, I didn't stay asleep. I lost track of the number of times that I woke up or changed positions. At some point, I realized that the right side of my face hurt...like sinus pain...that triangle between right eye, right ear, and right sinus. I think around 8:30 this morning I gave up and came downstairs. I took migraine medicine because I now had a full blown headache and some allergy meds. I laid down and managed to get a couple more hours of sleep, so I'm not totally exhausted.

I do feel...slow though. That's the only way I can think to describe it. My fingers are flying across the keyboard typing this, but I feel as if the rest of me is moving in slow motion. It's a weird feeling and not one that I especially enjoy. I have things to get done today that I really don't want to push off until tomorrow if I can at all help it.

Last night I sat down and wrote out a weekly schedule for myself. Today I'm working on getting started with it. I'm going to have to be fairly flexible with it though because I need to grocery shop before Saturday which is the day I put it on the schedule. I'm also waiting on phone calls from my son's specialist because between them and where he does his physical/occupational therapy, they can't seem to get it together and need me as a middle man. It's rather annoying. 

So, the schedule...it's my hope that between having that as a guideline and the medication, I'll be more productive and get myself back on track with things. After all, it'd be good to do that before I fall through the kitchen floor. I keep feeling as if I missed putting something on there, but I included: house cleaning, client work, and writing time. I did leave a lot of space on each day's list though in case I remembered something as I go through this week. 

God, I know these segues are awful and I am so sorry. This slow motion brain just is not working for me. Here's hoping it adjusts quickly and I can go back to "normal" so far as this goes. But hey, let's jump to the next thing...

The boys came over Saturday and we all drove to Okemos and had lunch at Old Chicago. Total cost for a Chicago style pizza with 3 toppings? $8.88 because I had a birthday discount of $17 off a pizza. From there we went to East Lansing to Grand Traverse Pie Company and I got us all slices. Total cost? About $8.50 because mine was free for my birthday. So, for less than $20, we all ate and were nice and full after. Plus, the company was pretty priceless.

When we got back to the house, Roger carried the a/c unit that I had in my car to the barn for me. It's a small step towards getting my car cleared out. If it doesn't rain every day this week, I'm going to try to go out and finish up cleaning out the front seat. I think I have car cleaning supplies in the trunk that I can even wipe down the upholstery and such. There's also a car wash here in the village where I can go use the vacuum to sweep it out. Again, baby steps. A lot of this will depend on the weather and brain fog, but hey, all I can do is try.

I think I'm going to leave this at that. I want to do another quick post where each day this week I monitor my body's reaction to the medication. I'm not really sure why, but that feels important to me...

Love you all! Stay safe and take care of yourselves and each other!






PS I still hate the new blogger. 

PPS I'm sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Blogger is broken and not acknowledging them which makes these posts hard to read. 

Saturday, September 26, 2020

Bonus Post: Just Because

 I have no real solid reason for writing here this morning other than I have some time to waste and I don't want to clean. The boys are supposed to come over today so we can hang out and go get some pizza with a birthday coupon that I have. Typical to them though, one of them tried to get the other two to make a plan and the other two didn't. Ben has called me already this morning and let me know that his brothers are still asleep. Yep. That sounds about right. Nobody knows when Dylan is working. It could be noon or it could be four. Either way, I don't think he's going to be able to come. I guess we'll find out when everyone finally wakes up. I told Ben to wake them up once his clean clothes that he was waiting on are out of the dryer. That lets them sleep until ten.

In other news, yesterday was a crazy up and down day for me. I was working on a client's book and totally into it. It was the first time, in a long time, that I really took joy from reading. It felt so good. Then, Rob posted about still not having someone to go to the drive in with him, and I just crumbled. The stupid thing is...I didn't even have any kind of massive desire to go see Rocky Horror. It's a movie I watch once a year for Halloween and I'm good the rest of the year. It was that horrible feeling of being trapped and desperately needing in person contact with someone else. Touch starvation is a very real thing and I am 100% suffering from it. 

On top of that, none of my favorite streamers that I'd been looking forward to all week were on last night. Two of them were having minor medical issues and I don't know where the third was. It's not real human contact, but usually I interact with all of them so it kind of is. I did get to watch the cute Father of the Bride 3-ish which helped lift my spirits. Then, I finished the client's book and the ending made me cry. It was the perfect ending to the series as it stands now. I can't tell you why or it'd give away spoilers, but if you're looking for a book series, I can recommend the Godsverse series by Russell Nohelty.

Earlier in the day, he'd asked if I'd work on a comic for him. Since this time of year is tight and I've wanted to work on his comics for a while now, I said yes. What I didn't know until much later in the day was that he's having me proofread Ichabod for him. This feels huge to me and made me feel like somehow maybe it's all going to be okay. I can't explain that connection, but I was excited and happy and it was wonderful.

So, that brings us back to today. I'm sleepy, as usual, and struggling a bit to regulate my mood. I want to talk to Rob, but I don't want to be the one always texting him first. I haven't been yet, but I don't want that to happen. Maybe that sounds stupid, I don't know. I think it's part of the rebuilding trust between us. I need to know that he thinks of me and remembers I'm out here, not just when something bad happens, but any time. I sent him a flirty text yesterday and he never responded which while I can "make excuses" as to why he didn't, it still hurts a tiny bit. Not huge, but it's there. 

Yesterday, when I was sitting here crying, I actually thought to myself that I wished he hadn't appeared back into my life. God, that sounds so horrible, but my current reality is that having him back in my life, but not feeling like I can just contact him whenever (without being annoying) and not being able to be anywhere near him is kind of horrible. Like it hurts. When I'm struggling, like yesterday, I can remember how nice it can be when we're together...and it's not a comfort, but something that hurts. On a good day, I can have those same memories and smile. I don't know. Brains are so complicated. 

It doesn't help that "the man" still isn't talking to me. It's now been 11 days. He promised me that he'd never do this again. Hell, we even set up a "safe word" so that if he were going to, he could say that to me and I'd know and know that everything was okay. Every day I expect to get an email or text saying that we're over. That's cheery, eh?

In other not man related news, tomorrow night I'll be starting back on my medication. I'll reassemble the "drug bowl" sometime tonight or tomorrow. I've also been working on making sure that I'm in bed between 11 and 11:30. This allows me to read a chapter or two before I fall asleep. Yep, I gave myself a midnight bedtime. Due to the kittens I'm not getting a great full night's sleep but it's better than if I just let myself stay up to all hours. I was up later last night because I was so hyped about working on Ichabod that I didn't realize how late it had gotten. Still, I've been doing pretty well at it and I'm finally making progress on the book I've been "reading" for something like two months now. Baby steps, right?

I had three goals and I really think that getting this one going will help the other two. It's a journey, but a journey is just a long walk made up of single steps. Steps one and two are my medications and getting into a sleep schedule. I'm working on those and that's good. I'm hoping it will help me with some "stinking thinking" and envy issues as well. I hate being unhappy about someone else's success (a certain blogger/artist who wrote about her mental health, disappeared, and came back to much excitement and a book) or someone else's support (wife of a friend who had to have surgery and has him there to help and support her). Okay, so those people will never be me. I will probably forever only have me to take care of me and hell, nobody really reads here, but maybe one person does and they can relate and maybe it will make a tiny bit of difference in this hell that we currently call life. 

I guess time will tell. For now though, children are awake though still not making a plan and I think I'll start work on Ichabod because work keeps my brain busy and not focused on how I'd probably cry if "the man" or Rob texted me and talked to me. Man, I feel so stupidly pathetic, even if there's actual scientific evidence that feeling like this is normal.

Love you all...




PS I have no idea why this is posting as one long stream of consciousness. I wrote it with paragraphs. Ugh! This wasn't a problem in the old style of posting.

Thursday, September 24, 2020

2020 Birthday Wrap Up

 Okay, first of all, what the heck is up with sites feeling they need a brand new design? First Facebook...whose new design sucks and I have rejected it 11 times now. I know they're going to force it on me soon, but I will hold out as long as possible. Now it's Blogger. I really don't know why companies feel they have to fix things that aren't broken. Focus on adding features, fixing bugs, not redesign. 

There. Now that I have that off my chest, it's time for the annual birthday blog post. I used to do this over on Life With Katie, but since I've made that my author site, I felt here was a better place for it since it's not about writing goals or anything like that. 

Let's start by summarizing my birthday: the good, the bad, the summary style. 

The Good - First text of the day was from my best friend. I've missed him so damn much and he doesn't know that, but every time his text chime goes off, I smile. I cannot wait until we can be together again. That reminds me...I think I still owe him about 7 steaks.

A friend called and we were on the phone for nearly four hours. It was pretty awesome. 

I got an incredible weighted blanket from Justin. It has albino penguins all over it and I can't wait to use it. I also got taken out for a very late lunch/early dinner by my oldest and my "middle" child got to join us. (Middle is in quotes because he's my youngest biologically but the son we "adopted" is like 4 days younger than him.)

I got to pick a name for the name a cat poll on my favorite Twitch channel (Twitch.tv/Apoinsettia) and my name won! I'd like to welcome Sadie officially to the channel. I also got happy birthdays there, on the SeanLikesJazz channel, and on Discord. Plus all of the ones on Facebook and a new thrown in on Twitter. Super nice.

The Bad - "The Man" sucks. Yep. I'm not being nice on this. He pretty much blew off our anniversary and then yesterday? No text. No card. No gift. He didn't even respond to my text. In fact, he hasn't in 9 days now. What did he do? He posted to my Facebook wall: Hey you, happy birthday.  ...I wanted to respond, Hey you, we need to talk, but I didn't. I did send him a text last night saying that I was super sad that he wouldn't even text me on my birthday. Zero response. Big surprise, huh? 

Anyway, enough about that. I need to do something about it, but I also need to do a thousand other things...so...only other bad? No other cards or gifts. Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy, but it is what it is. I have a need to be validated on that one day a year and while social media posts are great, they're just not the same thing. Maybe next year I'll throw myself a card party...

The Summary - Not a bad day overall. There were some tears thanks to "the man" but there were also smiles and laughter. I'd give the day a solid 7.5/10. Only things missing? A phone call from my best friend, "the man" not being a douche, and a few more cards/gifts.


Now, for anyone who has read my past birthday blog posts, you know that I often use my birthday as a day of introspection and planning for the upcoming year. I usually pick something to focus on and set some goals. Why break tradition, right?

Focus: Mental health

Mental health can be the root of so many other issues. It can be why I don't take care of myself, why I don't do things or get things done. Ever since I had pneumonia and then Covid happened (to the world, not to me), I've struggled with all of this. I had such a hard time when I was sick that I stopped taking my medicine. I was coughing so much that I was throwing up and it just became easier not to take it. Unfortunately, as anyone who struggles with a medication schedule knows, once you mess up that schedule, it's so hard to get back to it. So, my taking my meds appropriately is step 1 of getting back on track. They should help me get to a place where I can start handling things that I've let slide again. 

Goals:

I'm keeping these simple. They need to be attainable so that I can achieve them and then set new goals. Nobody said you can only set goals on your birthday and new years, right?

Goal #1: Books

I want to have written and published two more books by the time my birthday rolls around next year. Apo's Army is already in progress and then I want to go back to the toy store. This is doable. 

Goal #2: House

Due to my mental health, I've allowed the house to get more than a little out of control. I need to reign that in and then over the coming year get some serious house fixes done. By done I mean letting the owner know there are issues. My main ones are: kitchen floor (hopefully within the next couple of weeks), furnace (November) and water heater/electrical (Spring).  I'm spreading these out so that the owner doesn't 100% freak out. I don't want to go another year without heat in the house though. Can it be done? Yes. Do I deserve to have heat? Yes. I just need to remind myself of that.

Goal #3: Car

This one seems kind of silly, but I want to clean out my car...like really clean it out, wiping everything down, etc and keep it nice. I'm so tired of it looking like I live in it or something. Next time I go out to it, I'm going to take a trash bag with me and just start filling it with whatever needs to go into the trash can. Front seats should be pretty easy. Then, I'll tackle the back seat. There's an a/c unit back there. Maybe when the boys stop by this weekend I'll get Roger to put that into the barn. 

So, that's it. My focus and goals for this coming birth year. They're small, but I think they're all really important. I'm off to actually write a post for Life With Katie. I've been so horrible about updating there. It's one of the things that I stopped doing in the Covid depression era. I need to get better about that.

Have an amazing day, all of you! You're much loved.



PS New blogger got rid of my entire list of tags. Argh! 

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