Wednesday, June 7, 2023

I Just Need to Write

 Yesterday, I went to the doctor. I thought it went well. Then tonight I read in her notes that I have poor hygiene. I guess you shouldn't read notes more than you should read the comments. I'm crushed. I had freshly shaved my face and under my arms. I had put on deodorant. I had on clean clothes. Yes, my shirt had cat hair on it, but that's to be expected when you live with seven cats. I don't know. The whole having to have my head shaved thing had brought me down, but deep down I was proud of me for having faced it and dealt with it. I was proud of myself for putting on a bra and going to the doctor without anxiety. I was even proud of the 11 pounds I had lost since September. None of these things are anything to a lot of people but they're something for me. Now I just want to cry. I hope that this feeling doesn't last. I don't need it. I need to have good feelings. Sigh. 

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Am I Okay?

 The truth is ...I don't know. That seems so dumb to say. I don't know if I'm okay. If my doctor were to ask me, I'd say, "Yep, everything is going fine." and it wouldn't be a lie. On the surface, everything is. I ran a successful Kickstarter, did the work to get everything made, and fulfilled it an entire month early. I moved two of the boys into their first apartments and I'm proud that I raised independent men. I made a new friend and we've gotten together a couple of times...So, on the surface everything looks good.

But then you look under the surface...

Now that fulfillment is over, I struggle to be proud of the work that I did. I look at it and go, "Yep, it's a book." There's a tiny voice that says, "a book that you wrote. You did that." I don't know how often I listen to that voice. 

My boys, well two of them, are moved in and I'm horribly sad about that. I miss them and even though they've both called me, I know that this is the final step of them being their own people and not needing me the same way ever again.

I did make a new friend and I really like him, but it's so hard to make plans with him. I tried all weekend. On Friday he was recovering from a migraine. Yesterday he was hanging out and helping a friend with pc builds and today they're roadtripping across the state to get pc parts that they need. Don't get me wrong, this is all totally acceptable and I'm not upset with him. I just can't ignore that little voice that says maybe he doesn't like you and want to get together again. Logic says this is stupid. We enjoy each other's company. Ugly little voices are hard to ignore though.

Then let's get down to the nitty gritty. If I'm okay would it have been over a month since I did laundry? Would it have been just as long since I showered? Would my hair be a tangled knot? Would my house look like an episode of Hoarders (how I wish I joked) with stuff just thrown everywhere? Would I struggle to do something as basic as take my medication? Would I look at the most basic of tasks and think why bother, nobody cares?

Guys, I don't think I'm okay and I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to be okay. I want to be. I want to walk into a house that doesn't make me want to scream. I want to be able to do the simplest of tasks without it being a struggle. 

I'd love to say that I don't know when this all started, but I do. It all started with "the man". He had a major health scare and I found out about it on Facebook three days later. Three long days after he blocked communication with me. Three months later and I'm still blocked. He doesn't answer texts and my Facebook messages don't go through to him. I know that our relationship wasn't the healthiest for me but I honestly believed that he loved me. Then that was ripped away because someone who loves you wouldn't do that to you, right? I miss him. I miss what we had when we first got together. I miss being told I'm beautiful and believing it. I miss all of it. 

I want to believe that I'm beautiful and brilliant and brave/bold, but I don't. At my last doctor's visit, my A1C was up and I'd gained a pound instead of losing one. I wanted to believe that it was okay, that I could do better, but I don't. I feel like I'm incompetent and unable to take care of myself. I sleep constantly and only get done what has to. I have tiny victories, but they don't mean anything and they don't last.

So to answer the question...No, I'm not okay and I don't know if I ever will be again. 

Monday, May 24, 2021

I'm back?

 You may have noticed that I haven't been here in a while. Something happened that made me question why it is that I write here. The thing is that I write because ...well, it's a way for me to track my life. But, that doesn't really matter. It's not the reason that I'm here today. Today I want to jot down what's happening with my health.

Last doctor's appointment went well. She's happy with my numbers (which I'll list below) but she'd like me to lose another 20 pounds by August. That doesn't seem like a lot, I guess, but to me it feels like a lot of pressure and when under pressure, I want to eat. Eek. With less than three months, I decided I ought to get going doing something. 

So, today I decided to start walking. I'm not only badly out of shape, but I also have trouble with my right leg. Honestly, I was excited and nervous at the same time. Still, not doing it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I received an email that some stickers that I ordered were ready so I decided my first challenge would be walking to the mailbox. For those who don't know/remember, my mailbox is a good block away and I thought that might be a good starting!

It was tougher than I'd like to admit. My hip started hurting about halfway there, but I kept pushing through. I didn't stop on the way there, but I did stop on the way back to rest for 30 seconds or so and then pushed on. Grand total? 550 steps. 

That number seems so small, but I keep telling myself that we all have to start somewhere. It may be a small victory, but it's my small victory. I'm still trying to decide if I want to walk every day or every other day. It's not worth walking to the mailbox every day but maybe I could work up to walking around the block. One step at a time...literally...

Speaking of numbers, here they are. Please remember that they're from my last doctor's appointment on May 4th.

Weight: 301 (down 20 pounds since November)
A1C: 6.3 (down from 8 and then 6.8)

So, there we go. I did it. I walked. Now, I'm going to work. 

Monday, March 1, 2021

Weekly Update: February nearly killed me


So, let's do a rundown of the month...

Cancer Scare
Father's Death
Frozen Pipes
Burst Pipes
Cat Got Out*
"The man" barely speaking to me
Possibly losing my friendship with Eric**

I know there's more, but that's off the top of my head. The cat was the final straw that broke me and the Eric thing is the one I worry the most over. Today is March 1st and I'm trying to pull it back together to get things done that need to be done, but it's hard. Luckily, Ben "the slavedriver" is here and he keeps me on track. Today's list includes:

Call the plumber
Clean the bathroom
Take down the Christmas tree so the desk is useable
Clean out the laundry room closet
Go to the post office
Help him with his paper
Help him fill out some paperwork

Again, that's off the top of my head. All I can do though is take it one thing at a time. I called the plumber and they'll either be here today between noon and four or not until Thursday. I really want it to be today. I'm hoping that as long as they're here, I can ask about the water heater and maybe get that fixed too. Hot showers at home would be wonderful. 

For now though...I have to go take down that tree.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 22, 2021

Weekly Updates: Ho-Hum

 That's pretty much how I'm feeling this morning..ho-hum. Not super happy, not super sad, just kind of meh. I think it's because it's so grey outside on a day where I was expecting sunshine. Plus, I'm worried about Eric. He hasn't spoken to me in three weeks now and I don't know what to do to reach him. I've messaged, I've sucks. He's one of my closest friends and I miss him. I was thinking of sharing their weight loss videos here because they're so fantastic and I think more people should see them. They haven't posted one yet this week, but if they do, I think I'll share it with all of you.

Other than that, life has been pretty much same old. I have been tackling my living room. I'm tired of it being cluttered and looking like a disaster so I started with one side of the room and I'll be moving my way across. I expect it to take a few weeks because I have to work on it in between other things. I'm pleased though with how the one small section is looking so far. By the end of the week, I'll have boxed up and shipped off some stuff that I'm selling which will help even more. Plus, it's a bit more money in the bank which never hurts.

Speaking of which, I need to call and find out how much we owe on Roger's tenor sax. I want to pay it off today if possible. I'm tired of that hanging over our heads. It'll be good to just own it outright and not be tied to them for repairs when we have a preferred place for that kind of thing now. That's just one thing on my to do list for today. Of course, I'd rather curl up and read a book or just about anything versus talking to people about money, etc. 

Tomorrow is my last diabetes education class. I'm glad I went ahead and took them. It helps me figure things out. Of course, it also makes it more obvious when I'm doing something "bad." Ahh well. It's better to know than not. I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday and she's really happy with my numbers. She's having me do another test in 3 months and if that comes out just as good, we can do the blood tests lest often. That's good, but I look forward to the day when maybe I can come off the medication. I swear every single one of them gives me diarrhea and it sucks. It sucks a lot. Still, my health is worth sprinting to the bathroom, I suppose.

Speaking of sprinting to the bathroom....Nah, I got nothing that connects with that. I can't imagine what would unless I suddenly took up running, but in this cold and with the snow, I think I'll pass on that one. For now, I'm going to let all of you go and get started on the icky financial things for the week. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Weekly Updates: Don't it make my brown eyes blue


For those unaware, yesterday was Valentine's Day...a day that is a big deal to some and a regular day for others. For me, I'm somewhere in the middle. I never have high expectations and I don't really want a huge display, but I do want something. It doesn't have to be anything big...a good morning, beautiful, maybe a small gift...that's it.

What did I get? "The man" not only didn't do anything, he didn't even bother to speak to me. My messages went unread until this morning when I got a ? as a response to the fact that he made me cry. I haven't responded to him because I don't know what to say. 

I did get a funny valentine text from Rob which made me smile. Right until I went to Facebook and saw that he'd exchanged lovey ones with another woman. I went to her page and found lovey selfies of them together. That's right. He's keeping another relationship secret from me. He broke his word that he would never, ever do that again. I'm trying not to lose it, but I spent hours crying over this yesterday and I'm crying again over it. It isn't about possessiveness. I don't care if he dates other women so long as it doesn't affect our relationship. It has though...I've noticed his texts are fewer and farther between and less affectionate/intimate. No kisses unless I comment that he hasn't...that kind of thing. I haven't said anything to him either because I don't want this to become a huge blow up. I just want to know why he hasn't been honest with me. It's probably because I didn't react well over his last girlfriend...then again, he didn't handle that well at all. 

I don't know, guys...I'm starting to feel as if the universe believes that I don't deserve good men who will treat me like I need to be treated. I'm not looking for happily ever after, just loyal, good partners. I don't think that's too much to ask for. 

Maybe it would do me good to have some distance from both of them. I doubt they'd understand, but maybe I need them too much. For now though, I have work to do...and maybe next week, I'll have something happy to report. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and maybe she'll have some good news...

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 8, 2021

Weekly Update: Updates

 Not the most original title this week, but last week tried to do me in and I'm recovering from that. Some of you may have seen that my father died. I still don't know the official cause of death. Why? Because nobody talks to each other. My sister actually still speaks with the family, but she doesn't know either. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it does. That's an important piece of information, even if just for my own medical history and that of his grandchildren. 

I'm also bothered that he's gone. No longer is there any hope that someday he would open his eyes and realize the disservice that he did to his children and grandchildren. There's no chance now of me ever having a father and that sucks. Also, finding out while sitting in a hospital gown waiting to be stabbed by a machine also sucks. Nothing like already being vulnerable. That's no one's fault, it's just how it happened.

In better news, the biopsy came back negative. I may have funky boobs, but I don't have cancer. That's such a huge relief. I literally felt a weight lifting off of me when I found out. After such a rough week (his death, all the medical things, and ending up throwing up the following morning), it was good to get some happy news.

Sadly, I couldn't share that with one of my closest friends. Eric is mad at me and hurt by me. It was anything but intentional, but when I wrote about his weight loss project with his best friend last week, he felt I made him look like a dick. God, I never meant for that to happen. He's one of the greatest guys I know; one of the few that I actually trust. He hasn't looked at my messages or spoken to me in a week and I don't know what to do about it. I apologized because I've never thought of him as that type of person and trust me, I know that type of person. I was envious of the support that him and his friend (also a great guy) have for one another. I don't really have that kind of accountability. I never meant for me being envious to make him sound like a bad person. In fact, I eagerly watched their second video this morning because I'm so damn proud of him and what he's doing. If you want to check it out, it's on YouTube. I miss him and I hope he reads my messages or this and realizes that I never meant to hurt him. 

As for that accountability...Well, I'm holding myself accountable the best that I can. I dropped some more weight, making total lost 14.4 pounds so far. It's coming off pretty slowly because I can't do a no carb diet. I have to take in at least 14-18 carb servings a day to balance my blood sugar. On top of that, I have a really small grocery budget and I'm still learning to meal plan around both of those things. Today I have to do a carb tracking sheet to turn in at my diabetes education class tomorrow night. I forgot and now have to play a bit of catch up. My diet is pretty much the same every day though so it shouldn't be too tough. 

Someone said they're hoping that I post recipes that I found to be delicious so I'm considering adding that in from time to time. Right now, I'm using prepared foods to work on serving sizes and the like. Still, I used to like to cook so maybe that'll be a good challenge for me. For now though, it's time to get myself working on some client work because I essentially took last week off. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Current weight: 306.6 pounds

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