Monday, January 27, 2020

Weekly Update: Making Plans



I started having some eye strain issues last week so I decided it'd be a grand time to take a bit of a screen break. It's totally my fault. I forgot that I ought to be wearing my glasses. Naughty me. But, the time offline was far from wasted. I grabbed a notebook and started making goals for 2020. These aren't New Year's resolutions. They're projects/goals that I'd like to accomplish and I broke each one down into "bite sized" pieces. They range from the house to business to personal. In fact, I'm still working on it when I get a few minutes here and there. Having it has given me a life line so to speak. When I'm anxious and don't know what to do, I have a plan right there in front of me.

Other than that, it's been fairly quiet around here. Ben had his first Special Olympics basketball tournament on Saturday which was fun. His team came in 3rd in their division. He scored twice and was great on defense. I'm super proud of him.

Roger turned 19 today. I can't believe that I'm mom to a 19 year old and a 20 year old. It doesn't seem possible but there they are proving me wrong.

Wow, this post feels really disjointed. I'm getting a headache which I think is causing it. So, for now, I'm going to sign off, make some tacos and then get ready to go take Ben to practice. Y'all have a great week!


Monday, January 20, 2020

Weekly Update: 95%

I'm back! I'm not 100%, but I'd put me at about 95%. I'm finally able to get through the day without having to take a nap. My body would like me to take one, but I'm not having to do it. My cough was gone, but yesterday I had to go out and do some shoveling and clearing off the car. Since then, I've been coughing some again...deep coughs. I hope it's not a sign that something is coming back. Fingers crossed!

On other fronts, I've started working on making sure that I'm taking my medicine every night. I have missed 4 days this month but I'm not beating myself up over it. I'll get back into the routine. I may move my pills up to my bedroom so they're "in my face" at bedtime. I haven't quite decided yet.

The kids are all doing well. Ben is doing Special Olympics basketball and has his first tournament this coming Saturday. Roger had a concert last night and it went really well. Dylan...well, I mostly hear about girls from him. I hope he's applying himself that much to his studies. He's impatient to get to the advanced courses and think the early ones are a waste of time.

I know this is a super short update, but I'm kind of blank as to what to write about today. So, for now...have a grand week and I'll see you soon!


Sunday, December 22, 2019

Weekly Update: Pneumonia

Ugh. You may have noticed that I haven't updated in a couple of weeks. That's because I managed to get pneumonia. It's been two weeks and while the doctor assures me that I'm getting better, it sure doesn't much feel like it. Okay, I no longer have a crazy fever but I am still coughing until I throw up sometimes. The cough is dry and deep. I feel like a braying donkey or something...something not cool...lol.

Other than that, I've been struggling a bit with believing in myself. For ages, I've wanted to be a writer, but now that the chance is here, I feel as if I suck at it and nobody would ever read anything that I wrote. Due to being sick, I've had zero imagination as my body focuses on the act of breathing. Feeling blank scares me and part of me wants to just give up on this dream. What if nobody ever reads my stories? I gave a dozen beta readers my book of children's stories about a month ago and not a single person has read them. That's insanely disheartening. What if it sucks? What if what I thought was good is really, really bad? Ugh. I'm at the point where I want the feedback, but I don't want the feedback. I guess all I can do is wait and see if anyone reads the book. It's not like it's ready to go to print. I still need 4-5 pieces of art for inside of it and I've only sent the artist reference photos for 2 of those pieces. On top of that, I still need to come up with a cover.

Then, there's the last book of The Tether Saga. I sent it to Nick weeks ago. He said he read it, that it was a good base, and that he had a ton of notes for it. In essence, I'm hearing that I have to rewrite the entire thing. At first, I was excited about getting notes back, but as my health continues to suck and he continues to not send me the notes, my self doubt is sky high. What if I failed at that too?

Argh. Pneumonia is not good for self-esteem. It's left me too isolated but too sick to pull myself up out of this funk. Maybe once I'm feeling better and the holidays are over, I'll try to come up with enough money to take a night away at a hotel where I can take a long, hot shower and then sit and focus on what I really want/need for my own health and well being. Not like resolutions, but some self-awareness. I know me. I know what works and what doesn't work. I just have to decide what's worth working for and what needs to be put behind me. I can't imagine not writing which is weird because I seem completely incapable of writing right now. Maybe I just need all the notes from Nick and from the beta readers. Maybe they won't say you suck and maybe if they do, it will be constructive  and I can improve.

For now though, I'm going to try to get better. The coughing leaves me exhausted and I feel like I nap way more than any human being should, but it is what it is. Bonus is that my youngest is due to walk through the door any time now and that will lift my spirits. It's been pretty dang lonely sitting here all by myself while everyone is so busy with the holidays. It's good for me that he's going to be here for a few days. He's going to help me finish getting ready for Christmas and has suggested we do a bit of gaming. Yeah, it's good to not be all alone....


Monday, December 2, 2019

Weekly Update: It's Better Now

As I write this, I'm struggling with a headache, but I'm in decent spirits. Last week, some grand folks made sure that I had some food for Thanksgiving and the day or so after. Roger came over on Friday and I took him to go shopping for his siblings. Time with my boys is always sure to boost my mood.

Other than that, not much has changed. Money is still crazy tight and I have about $20 to get me to the 19th for groceries. It's rough but I'm hanging in there. I'm more concerned with how I'm going to feed the boys if they come over than I am about how to feed myself. I guess I should look up some instapot recipes that are inexpensive but filling. Teenage boys can eat a lot!

The other big concern is that Dylan has never been in the house and Roger would also like to have Molly come over for Christmas. While the house is better, it's still not outside people ready. I only have two weeks until the boys are off for holiday break from school so I don't have a lot of time to dilly dally. I've started doing little things here and there as I can, but I'm concerned I won't have the house ready in time. All I can do is try though...and hope my energy levels keep up. Since I'm exhausted at 5:30pm, it's questionable but I'm going to try. It's all I can do.

For those who have asked how you can help me this holiday season, the best way would be funds to buy groceries and maybe some gifts for the kids for Christmas. My paypal is close2midnight@gmail.com ...Please don't feel as if you need to though. I'm a survivor and this isn't going to be what breaks me.

Until next week!

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Weekly Update: Holiday Blahs

That little egg may be on the slightly dramatic side for this post. After all, I'm not sitting around all the time in tears, just now and then. Right now? No tears, just tired.

I did realize the other day though that the holiday blahs have set in early for me this year. With no money to even buy food, let alone anything else, I've become overwhelmed. Overwhelmed leads to anxiety which leads to depression which leads to a not so very holly jolly me.

On top of that, I won't be seeing my boys over Thanksgiving and I don't know if I'll even see them over their winter break except for maybe a day. Roger has hopes of doing some work at his dad's office which means him staying over there. Ben will be working. This leaves this mom all alone and that's bringing me down as well.

I'm not sure how to shake this overwhelmed feeling. Maybe if I could, I could continue to dig out the house or at least something productive. It needs a lot of work though if you break it down, it's not so bad. I was thinking about cleaning in my room today, but there's a good chance I'd just climb back into bed. I haven't been sleeping all that well which just adds to the muckity muck.

I'm also questioning if I ought to continue writing here. I started a weekly post because I thought it might help me and others, but I'm seeing that there aren't many others reading. I think if there's at least one person reading, one person who might feel a little less alone, I'll keep going though. It does help me to brain purge. Some things are better out of the brain than floating around endlessly inside.

Well, I guess that was a short questioning session, eh? I like when that happens. I hate feeling wishy washy, like I can't make a decision. It's nice when I can be decisive and then move on to something else.

What's that something else? Well, that's a darned good question. How about we end this post with 3 positives? It's good to focus on the good now and then.

1. I'm only 1800 words from finishing NaNoWriMo and most of those words came from projects that will be published.

2. I'm alive. I may be scary levels of broke and unsure how I'm going to feed myself, let alone kids if they come over, but I'm alive.

3. The boys are all doing well. Ben has a cold, but otherwise, they're all doing well and being successful in their areas.

And that's all for this week, guys. If I let myself, I'd write for ages and ages but nobody wants to read all of that! As always, take care of yourselves and each other.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

Weekly Update: Tired


Holy crow, y'all. I'm tired. That's the only way to describe how I feel right now. It's the kind of tired that affects everything. I'm hyper aware of what's happening around me. I'm super duper emotional. It sucks. Oh my god, it sucks so much.

I'm actually at a NaNo write in right now, writing this. I know, it's not a novel, but it's words and words count. I needed to do this today because tomorrow I'm picking up the oldest and taking him to pretty much finish up his holiday shopping. Yeah, I know. He's like done. It's crazy. As for me, I don't even know if we'll have a Christmas at my house this year. I've had zero projects come in and that means zero income. Zero income equals zero spending money for presents.

I know that it's really about time together and all of that, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to have things for my kids. They're still teenagers, not grown ups. I don't know yet what I'll do. I keep hoping that something will come through. I'm not giving up all hope.

Did I mention I'm tired? heh...Yep, that just popped into my head again. I am worn the heck out. I'm now on day 26 of a heavy period. How heavy? A week ago I bought a package of pads that advertised it was a 3.5 month supply. I'm stopping by the store tonight to buy more. Yeah...that heavy. Gross, huh? Super gross. I love being a girl, but right now, I don't love having a uterus that's acting cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

That's another side effect of all of this. I have a constant desire to eat. That's not helpful when you need to lose weight, DHS has cut you back to $16 in grocery money each month, and you have a kid coming over that you need to feed. Yep. Yippee!

The odd thing? Even with all of this going on, I'm in good spirits for the most part. Sure, I have moments where I break down crying, but if you look at my mood journal, you'd see mostly average days. Average is good. I like average.

Somehow we'll get through this rough patch. I always do. I have zero idea how this time, but hey, that's okay...that's life, right?

Now, back to proofing my children's anthology! I'm still waiting for Nick to send me the notes to Nevermore so I'm not sure what the timeline is for that. I had kind of hoped by the end of the year, but that's looking very unlikely. If I can manage to track him down, that's something else to talk to him about. Somehow I'm suspecting it's not his top priority project. Ahh well...the life of a writer is so glamorous, eh?

Time to focus on what I can focus on and keep going.
Love you all!

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Weekly Update: Looking Forward

Looking Forward

Isn't it funny how a simple change of perspective can change something so dramatically? A week ago (well, a week ago yesterday), I sent Nick the draft of Nevermore. Ever since then I've worked at looking forward...the next project, the project after that...and not dwelling on what he was doing with the book. Yesterday, he sent me a message saying that he was halfway through and be warned, there would be notes. That icy clutch of anxiety hit me and I had to remind myself to breathe. Then, I started thinking about it.

Why was I so anxious? The book wasn't utter garbage, I knew that much. Nick loves me (as close friends do) and wasn't going to be cruel. Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. Perhaps instead of paranoid, I needed to be excited. I know that's a huge flip, but let me explain. I could be excited because I wrote that book all by myself. It's mine and I accomplished that. I could be excited because whatever notes he leaves, I can take or leave...but more importantly, I can use them to improve the book. I don't have an official editor, but I need to look at Nick like I do my doctor...she's there to help me, not tear me down. We're a team. Nick and I are a team and a dang good one. Why be afraid of that?

Once I made that decision, I calmed back down and was able to focus on working on other things that needed doing. I'm still not caught up after a weekend of mostly being gone (NaNo Thursday, writing and concert Friday, NaNo write in Saturday, Grand Rapids Comic Con and NaNo write in Sunday), but I'm making good progress. There's always things to do though! Laundry, for example. Sheesh! At least the moving about keeps me warm during this snow/cold snap that we're having.

Let's see...other than that...I suppose things are good. I've still not had any new work come in and I'm concerned since the holidays are coming up. I don't want to cancel Christmas for my three kids. That would be a huge disappointment to all of us. Hopefully something shifts my way. I'm always hopeful.

The house has been at a bit of a standstill but I'm hoping to have more energy to tackle that soon. It's tough when my body is at day 21 of its period. I'm still cramping and feeling just run down. I can only do what I can while my body pitches a fit.

I think that's it! Nothing much has changed in the past week. I'm still fighting my way through NaNo, trying to be a good mom, and just looking forward...


Welcoming Weight Loss   © 2008. Template Recipes by Emporium Digital

TOP