Monday, March 1, 2021

Weekly Update: February nearly killed me


So, let's do a rundown of the month...

Cancer Scare
Father's Death
Frozen Pipes
Burst Pipes
Cat Got Out*
"The man" barely speaking to me
Possibly losing my friendship with Eric**

I know there's more, but that's off the top of my head. The cat was the final straw that broke me and the Eric thing is the one I worry the most over. Today is March 1st and I'm trying to pull it back together to get things done that need to be done, but it's hard. Luckily, Ben "the slavedriver" is here and he keeps me on track. Today's list includes:

Call the plumber
Clean the bathroom
Take down the Christmas tree so the desk is useable
Clean out the laundry room closet
Go to the post office
Help him with his paper
Help him fill out some paperwork

Again, that's off the top of my head. All I can do though is take it one thing at a time. I called the plumber and they'll either be here today between noon and four or not until Thursday. I really want it to be today. I'm hoping that as long as they're here, I can ask about the water heater and maybe get that fixed too. Hot showers at home would be wonderful. 

For now though...I have to go take down that tree.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 22, 2021

Weekly Updates: Ho-Hum

 That's pretty much how I'm feeling this morning..ho-hum. Not super happy, not super sad, just kind of meh. I think it's because it's so grey outside on a day where I was expecting sunshine. Plus, I'm worried about Eric. He hasn't spoken to me in three weeks now and I don't know what to do to reach him. I've messaged, I've sucks. He's one of my closest friends and I miss him. I was thinking of sharing their weight loss videos here because they're so fantastic and I think more people should see them. They haven't posted one yet this week, but if they do, I think I'll share it with all of you.

Other than that, life has been pretty much same old. I have been tackling my living room. I'm tired of it being cluttered and looking like a disaster so I started with one side of the room and I'll be moving my way across. I expect it to take a few weeks because I have to work on it in between other things. I'm pleased though with how the one small section is looking so far. By the end of the week, I'll have boxed up and shipped off some stuff that I'm selling which will help even more. Plus, it's a bit more money in the bank which never hurts.

Speaking of which, I need to call and find out how much we owe on Roger's tenor sax. I want to pay it off today if possible. I'm tired of that hanging over our heads. It'll be good to just own it outright and not be tied to them for repairs when we have a preferred place for that kind of thing now. That's just one thing on my to do list for today. Of course, I'd rather curl up and read a book or just about anything versus talking to people about money, etc. 

Tomorrow is my last diabetes education class. I'm glad I went ahead and took them. It helps me figure things out. Of course, it also makes it more obvious when I'm doing something "bad." Ahh well. It's better to know than not. I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday and she's really happy with my numbers. She's having me do another test in 3 months and if that comes out just as good, we can do the blood tests lest often. That's good, but I look forward to the day when maybe I can come off the medication. I swear every single one of them gives me diarrhea and it sucks. It sucks a lot. Still, my health is worth sprinting to the bathroom, I suppose.

Speaking of sprinting to the bathroom....Nah, I got nothing that connects with that. I can't imagine what would unless I suddenly took up running, but in this cold and with the snow, I think I'll pass on that one. For now, I'm going to let all of you go and get started on the icky financial things for the week. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Weekly Updates: Don't it make my brown eyes blue


For those unaware, yesterday was Valentine's Day...a day that is a big deal to some and a regular day for others. For me, I'm somewhere in the middle. I never have high expectations and I don't really want a huge display, but I do want something. It doesn't have to be anything big...a good morning, beautiful, maybe a small gift...that's it.

What did I get? "The man" not only didn't do anything, he didn't even bother to speak to me. My messages went unread until this morning when I got a ? as a response to the fact that he made me cry. I haven't responded to him because I don't know what to say. 

I did get a funny valentine text from Rob which made me smile. Right until I went to Facebook and saw that he'd exchanged lovey ones with another woman. I went to her page and found lovey selfies of them together. That's right. He's keeping another relationship secret from me. He broke his word that he would never, ever do that again. I'm trying not to lose it, but I spent hours crying over this yesterday and I'm crying again over it. It isn't about possessiveness. I don't care if he dates other women so long as it doesn't affect our relationship. It has though...I've noticed his texts are fewer and farther between and less affectionate/intimate. No kisses unless I comment that he hasn't...that kind of thing. I haven't said anything to him either because I don't want this to become a huge blow up. I just want to know why he hasn't been honest with me. It's probably because I didn't react well over his last girlfriend...then again, he didn't handle that well at all. 

I don't know, guys...I'm starting to feel as if the universe believes that I don't deserve good men who will treat me like I need to be treated. I'm not looking for happily ever after, just loyal, good partners. I don't think that's too much to ask for. 

Maybe it would do me good to have some distance from both of them. I doubt they'd understand, but maybe I need them too much. For now though, I have work to do...and maybe next week, I'll have something happy to report. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and maybe she'll have some good news...

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 8, 2021

Weekly Update: Updates

 Not the most original title this week, but last week tried to do me in and I'm recovering from that. Some of you may have seen that my father died. I still don't know the official cause of death. Why? Because nobody talks to each other. My sister actually still speaks with the family, but she doesn't know either. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it does. That's an important piece of information, even if just for my own medical history and that of his grandchildren. 

I'm also bothered that he's gone. No longer is there any hope that someday he would open his eyes and realize the disservice that he did to his children and grandchildren. There's no chance now of me ever having a father and that sucks. Also, finding out while sitting in a hospital gown waiting to be stabbed by a machine also sucks. Nothing like already being vulnerable. That's no one's fault, it's just how it happened.

In better news, the biopsy came back negative. I may have funky boobs, but I don't have cancer. That's such a huge relief. I literally felt a weight lifting off of me when I found out. After such a rough week (his death, all the medical things, and ending up throwing up the following morning), it was good to get some happy news.

Sadly, I couldn't share that with one of my closest friends. Eric is mad at me and hurt by me. It was anything but intentional, but when I wrote about his weight loss project with his best friend last week, he felt I made him look like a dick. God, I never meant for that to happen. He's one of the greatest guys I know; one of the few that I actually trust. He hasn't looked at my messages or spoken to me in a week and I don't know what to do about it. I apologized because I've never thought of him as that type of person and trust me, I know that type of person. I was envious of the support that him and his friend (also a great guy) have for one another. I don't really have that kind of accountability. I never meant for me being envious to make him sound like a bad person. In fact, I eagerly watched their second video this morning because I'm so damn proud of him and what he's doing. If you want to check it out, it's on YouTube. I miss him and I hope he reads my messages or this and realizes that I never meant to hurt him. 

As for that accountability...Well, I'm holding myself accountable the best that I can. I dropped some more weight, making total lost 14.4 pounds so far. It's coming off pretty slowly because I can't do a no carb diet. I have to take in at least 14-18 carb servings a day to balance my blood sugar. On top of that, I have a really small grocery budget and I'm still learning to meal plan around both of those things. Today I have to do a carb tracking sheet to turn in at my diabetes education class tomorrow night. I forgot and now have to play a bit of catch up. My diet is pretty much the same every day though so it shouldn't be too tough. 

Someone said they're hoping that I post recipes that I found to be delicious so I'm considering adding that in from time to time. Right now, I'm using prepared foods to work on serving sizes and the like. Still, I used to like to cook so maybe that'll be a good challenge for me. For now though, it's time to get myself working on some client work because I essentially took last week off. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Current weight: 306.6 pounds

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Thoughts on My Father

 Yesterday, as I sat in a private room, draped in a gown, I got a text from my sister. She never texts me so I knew something was wrong. It turns out that my father died yesterday morning. I'd love to say that I burst into tears or had some "normal" reaction, but I didn't. I was pretty much numb to the whole thing. I spent every spare minute after trying to sort out my feelings...

Justin says that I don't need to try to untangle all of it, that he wasn't really a good part of my life so it's not surprising that I don't really feel anything. I do feel things though...

I feel sadness that he wasted 44 years of my life and 20/21 years of my children's lives by choosing not to make any kind of effort to be a part of them. Oh sure, he would pop up from time to time but he wasn't a regular part of our lives or even really a parent of any kind. He wasn't someone I could turn to and that makes me sad.

I feel anger because I've had to separate myself away from that side of my family because he was so toxic and make it so I didn't feel as if I could trust any of them. After all, "your father's family likes to drink and smoke (pot)." That wasn't an environment to bring up my children in and that put an even larger wedge between us because he thought that I thought I was too good for them. Not too good, I just wanted better...and to have ever had to defend that makes me angry.

I laid in bed last night and was thinking about the last time that I saw him. It has to be 9 years ago now or so. The boys and I were in my parents house, down in their living room. We had spent the day cleaning out my grandmother's house and my mother reluctantly let us spend the night at their house so that they could get my help the following day. I should point out that this is after she insisted we bring our own food because she wasn't going to feed us. I should also point out that I brought over enough really nice chicken breasts to feed everyone and they were mad at me because I didn't know how to use their grill to also prepare them for everyone. Yep, you read that right. She insisted I not only bring food, but I prepare it for everyone. Anyway, the food was ready and we three were waiting in the living room for my mother, father, and brother to get their food so there'd be room for me to make plates for myself and the boys. There was a pass through window between the two rooms and we sat there as my father said horrible things about I was lazy, a user of people, and I don't even remember what else. It upset my children and it hurt me badly. My uncle had to "bribe" me to spend the night there so that he could get my help the next day. Of course, the next day, he didn't come through on his word and I discovered Roger had picked up head lice from their house. 

But that was the last time I really remember seeing my father. I expect that he was at my grandmother's funeral, but that day is kind of a blur. All I remember was that my children and I stood by ourselves before the funeral and were essentially ignored.

My father had ample opportunities to make any kind of effort. I haven't moved in eleven years. My phone number hasn't changed in basically that long. I'm on social media. He had numerous ways that he could have reached out. I can almost hear his family saying, "You could have reached out too." Yes, I could have but why should I have? He was the one who caused the damage. He was the one to start hurting me from the time I was a toddler and he let his girlfriend beat me and I'm pretty sure almost drown me in the bathtub. I have ptsd that stems from that and I've had to work hard to not have certain things freak me out. 

So, how do I feel now that he's gone? Sad, tired (so tired), angry...but mostly, I feel empty. There's a hole where a father should have been yet never has been and now never will be. Perhaps his three other children will mourn him, but I think I did my mourning in bits and pieces over the past 44 years. I don't have anything more to give him. As I said when I decided to go to my diabetes education class last night instead of staying home...He didn't take care of me in life, certainly won't in death so it's up to me to do what's best for me. 

Monday, January 25, 2021

Weekly Update: Overwhelmed

 I've spent far too many nights either crying myself to sleep or laying there with my mind running as fast as it can. I think everything just caught up with me. It's not that anything new has happened. It's more that I'm struggling with the changes that are happening. I'm struggling with no more than 4 carb "servings" per meal. It feels overwhelming to check everything that goes into my mouth. Today I went to the store and bought 4 donuts and ate 2 of them. I knew damn well that I shouldn't, but I wanted comfort food. I don't know if I'll eat the other two of them or I'll throw them out. I just know that I did what I did and I can't change it after I did it. 

Next week I start my diabetes education classes and while I want to be excited and ready to take on this challenge, I just don't. It feels like impossible work. I know logically that it isn't. People deal with this every day and they even defeat this. I could if I could get my head on straight, instead of bobbling all over the place. 

I'm taking 5 different medications right now. Three of them are for the diabetes. At least I can say that I'm taking those when I'm supposed to. It may be the only thing that I'm doing right at the moment. Even my two "anti-crazy" pills aren't keeping my brain on track. Oh, I'm sure that it would be worse without them, but I just can't seem to pull it together.

I have moments where I feel like everything is okay and that I can keep going. Then, I remember the diabetes and the potential for cancer. Granted, I know that the cancer is a small, tiny percent of possibility, but it isn't zero and won't be until after the biopsy results come in. Hopefully. I don't know what I'll do if that's truly added on. I suppose just keep going the best that I can. 

I've had the worst nightmares. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and I can't get to those I love before I die. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and we have to do surgery and after that, I'm rejected by my lovers. I know it's all based in fear and not reality, but I can't control where my brain goes when I sleep. Heck, I can barely control where it goes when I'm awake. Next week, this part should have answers at least and I can hopefully move past it and only have the one major medical issue to deal with. 

I stepped away from social media because seeing the posts about getting the vaccine or seeing others was just making it worse for me. It's been a year since I had a really good, long hug. Over a year, really. It's been nearly 18 months since I saw "the man" and even longer than that since I last saw Rob. I don't know when I'll see either of them. I'd drive the five hours to see Rob if I could just have a hug. Even if it meant, turning around and driving back the same day. I miss physical contact beyond belief and that's weighing on me too. I don't have anyone to physically turn to with all this happening. Never take for granted having that. 

I know that it seems counter intuitive to pull back from people just when I need them the most, but unfortunately, finding that I only have them for a few minutes online is hurting in some ways more than it's helping. There are a few that I will talk to if they reach out...Nick, Justin, Rob, Eric...but other than that, unless it's about work, I probably won't respond. I didn't just disappear though. I did a post saying that I was stepping away. Part of me hopes that this break will allow me to tackle some other things, but right now, it's more making lists and curling up on the couch and watching SVU marathons. I guess I need to learn how to be gentle with me and not expect me to be Wonder Woman every single day.

I love you all...please take care of you and each other.


Monday, January 18, 2021

Weekly Update: Dramatic Week

 Whew...I'm almost glad it's Monday again after last week. I posted that I was a good girl and went and had my annual mammogram. What I didn't expect was to get a call on Tuesday saying that they'd seen something and wanted me to come back in for an additional mammogram on my right breast and an ultrasound on both. Eek! Honestly, this didn't freak me out too much...Okay, it did freak me out some. I can't lie about it...people who dealt with me read this...

I'd never been called back for both before and it worried me. I mean, cancer is a big scary word and I was hearing it a lot in my head. So, Wednesday I went back for the mammogram. It was a tough one. They applied a lot more pressure and had me standing in ways that no normal person ever stands in. After taking more images than my original mammogram, the technician put me back into the private waiting area while she checked to see if more were needed. I waited in there, fussing and fretting for 15 minutes before she came back to tell me that the radiologist wanted more. Oy. When it was finally over, I took about a hundred deep breathes and went to Walmart and bought clearance if I need more, right?

Thursday rolled around and I went in for the ultrasound. The technician and the intern were both really nice and we chatted throughout most of the ultrasound. I guess I became so used to being a "guinea pig/learning tool" while pregnant all those years ago that having a male intern in there was no big deal. It's all medical, right? Anyway, she did very thorough ultrasounds of both breasts and I'm not going to lie. Her silence while she worked on the right one freaked me out. Afterwards? Back to Walmart, this time to buy Dylan's birthday present. 

Then it became a waiting game. On Saturday the results of the mammogram came back and said suspicious and that a biopsy was recommended. That scared the tar out of me. Typical me, I made jokes with the few people I had told. They all knew though. They know me well enough by now. I had nightmares of ...well...not getting to be back with Rob or "the man" ever again or being physically rejected by them if I had to have a masectomy. Crazy stupid I know. 

Yesterday I updated my "if I die" file which is basically like a will and I sent it to Rob and to Justin so they'd have it. By that point, I'd calmed down and realized it was probably all nothing, but I guess I wanted to be prepared anyway.

Today, the results of the ultrasound came in and it basically says there's a whole bunch of cysts happening and they're probably benign. I'm waiting for them to call me to find out what the next step is. It could be the biopsy or it could be come back in six months and we'll look everything over again. Either way, I don't think it's going to be super scary bad news, thank goodness. I kept thinking how will I handle both cancer and diabetes when I'm struggling just to handle the diabetes. It's good that I won't have to. 

...and that was my kinda scary week. I'm so glad it's over so that I can take a long, deep breath and get back to regular life.

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