Weekly Update: Squished and Squashed

 What a week, eh? I'm not even sure where to start. I guess back on Tuesday....

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and as much as I wanted to skip it, I went anyway. I'm not sure that my doctor is thrilled with my progress, but it is what it is. I lost 8 pounds and while it's not as much as I wanted, I'm happy with it. Of course, my eating went to hell for the rest of the week but I've gone grocery shopping and I can get back on track with that. She gave me another new medication to add in and I've noticed that something like 7-8 hours after taking it, I have horrible stomach acid issues. Hopefully that doesn't last. 

On Wednesday, I went with Roger to go look at apartments for next year. I'm not ready for him to permanently out of the house. The apartments were nice though and he and his roommate chose one and let the owner know that they're interested. I believe on Thursday he and his dad met with the owner and got the ball rolling on that. It caused me some severe anxiety because it feels as if he no longer needs me and I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that I raised him to be independent. 

On Friday, I went into town and picked up all of the medication that I'm now taking as well as some groceries. Nothing exciting, although I did get to spend time with Ben which I always love. I also bought Roger some pots and pans for the new apartment. Oh...and I finally gave Dylan his Christmas present. I haven't heard, but I hope he liked it. 

The weekend was quiet. I discovered Saturday that out of nowhere I'd started a heavy period. Of course, it disappeared on Sunday and reappeared today. I'm not sure my body really knows what's going on. I hope once I'm adjusted to all the medication, etc, things will balance out and no more bodily shenanigans will happen.

Today I went and had my annual mammogram done. It doesn't usually bother me, but today it felt like more squishing and squashing than in the past. My body is wonky so maybe things are just more sensitive. I'll probably get the results from that tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm not expecting anything out of the ordinary but it'll be good to get the official all clear for this year.

As for right now, I know this post is kinda...crummy...but I'm not feeling good due to the girl stuff happening, so I'm going to curl up with my blanket and watch some tv. Tomorrow I have a comic to proofread and I might work on my end of the year financial update as well as starting the new spreadsheet for 2021. Oh...and bringing in the new heated blanket that I bought at the store today...

Take care of yourselves and each other!

313.2

Weekly Update: Tongue afire...

 Man, I forgot to tell the fine folks at Subway to not add the additional Buffalo sauce to my sandwich after it was toasted. I don't mind the heat, but when there's that much on there, it drowns out the taste of everything else and leaves my nose running a bit...plus the mouth afire thing, but that doesn't so much bother me as much.

So, my little chickadees, how is everyone this week? Christmas is over and in theory, things have settled down. I say in theory because that's not so much the case here. I have a project that *must* be done in the next two days as well as another tidy of the living room and sweeping needs to happen. Now that I worked so hard getting it to okay, I want to keep it that way until I figure out how to downsize some more. I'll do a quick swish and swipe in the bathroom tomorrow so make sure that it stays up to par. 

I almost can't believe it, but I have two Christmas presents that still haven't arrived and show no sign of doing so any time soon. It's been eleven days since the last one's tracking updated and the other one was shipped without tracking. Hopefully they arrive soon. I've given up on my daily checks but will still check a few times each week. 

Christmas was good though. All the kids came over on the 22nd and we had pizza, watched a movie, and played Monopoly on the xbox. Then, the next morning, Molly joined us and we all opened gifts. I think everyone liked what they got. I didn't hear any complaints anyway. I got some great gifts...2 Lego sets, a new pan, and a Ninja Foodi Blender that we scored on clearance. I'm looking forward to having the kitchen in a place where my counters are clear and my floors aren't falling apart so I can use those last two. Now that the outside trash can is empty (again...that's 2 weeks in a row that I remembered!), I can haul out the Christmas trash and there will be room for more from the kitchen. It feels good to see so much going out and to see clear surfaces again. I really do wish I could figure out the living room. I know that it simply comes down to me having too many books, but I want to read them all...

Anyway, today Ben had his checkup at Mary Free Bed. He doesn't have to go back for six months and she's going to schedule him for a drivers readiness test to check his reflexes, flexibility, and all of that. We haven't told his dad and stepmom yet but while it scares me spitless to think of him driving, it's an important possible step in his independence. 

As for me, I have a doctor's appointment on the fifth. I need to message the office and see if I have to get more blood work done before that. I also need to do some research and find some meal options. I'm tired of what I've been eating and need to switch it up. 

That's all for today, I think...I need to get a move on before I run out of time for this project. Plus, I still have cats to feed, clothes to hang up to dry, and a never ending list like we all have. I hope your holidays were/are wonderful. Take care of yourselves and each other!

Weekly Update: Happy Holidays!

 Whew, we've made it to Christmas week. I can't believe that it's here already. This year has been so weird. On one hand, August seems like a year ago, but it feels like time is racing by at the same time. 

This past week has been okay. Nothing exceptional to report. I saw the dietician(s) for the first time and they want me to start carb counting and finding a way to exercise. I haven't done either mostly because it seems really overwhelming to add that in on top of everything else that's going on. I've decided to start next week once Christmas is over. 

I know that seems...irresponsible, but I've been good about my diet (or at least better) for the past few weeks. I am checking labels more and taking that into account. So, I'm not totally ignoring their advice. This weekend, I'll go over the packet that they sent home with me and try to use it for future meal prepping. 

Other than that, the past week has been about wrapping up my last projects of 2020 (one more to go) and cleaning the house. I've done the living room and while it's horribly cluttered, it is clean. After the holidays, I'm going to see if Roger will come over and help me load up things for Goodwill that are already boxed up. Then, I'll have to start another purge. 

The bathroom is done as well, other than the shower, which nobody will be using while they're here. Today, I have to tackle the kitchen and honestly, all I can say is ugh. It's a disaster and while nobody will be using it, the kids will be able to see in there and it's just not acceptable. The bonus of all of this? Once it's done, I can let the owner of the house know about one of the three big issues and get it fixed. The house will be good enough to have someone come in. I'll just have the laundry room to tackle and that's mostly mount washmore...

So, that's what I've been up to. Well, that and worrying that gifts won't get here in time. I already know that two won't be here which is so frustrating. I ordered everything in plenty of time, but the post office is so backed up. Heck, they aren't even scanning packages so I don't know where they are or when to expect them. I had one item ship from England on November 30th and there's no sign of it. It hasn't been delivered and the shop mailed it without tracking. I check the mailbox every day hoping that it's there and Dylan's big gift has arrived. So far, no luck on either. Ugh! 

I hate that two of the boys' main gifts aren't here. I hate that they're going to have to wait and watch others open their gifts. I'm holding out for a miracle that they get here tomorrow or Wednesday. For now though, I'm going to hang my few Christmas cards up on the wall and take my medicine before I forget. Then, it'll be time for round one of the kitchen.

Happy Holidays, everyone! Take care of you and each other!

Weekly Update: For real, Monday?

 Woke up this morning, had a plan for what needed to get done today. None of it...well, mostly none of it has happened so far. Why? My printer...and me. I needed to print out a client's check (aka my payment) so I sent it to the printer. My laptop says the printer is offline. I checked. It was on. Then...lightbulb. I hadn't used it since we installed the new network. Easy enough...I'll just update that. I did everything I could think of for an hour and got nowhere. Then, Roger suggested I just use my wifi hotspot on my phone and print it. Okay, set that up and it printed...but no black ink. It decided just to not use that cartridge. I think at this point I said a few words that didn't need...no, they needed to be said. 

Ended up going shopping with the boys and picked up a new printer that Ben picked up for me because why? I can't deposit my check until I can print it out. Managed to get a small discount which was nice. Came home, got it hooked up, ran the set up and that's when I realized that for that entire hour, I was leaving a number out of our network password on the old printer. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I decided to keep the new printer and I'll donate the old one. Seriously though...mostly user error the entire time? 

Anyway, all of that put me hours and hours behind today's list. So, I'm going to do the minimum...write this post, fill out the paperwork for tomorrow's doctor's appointment, and contact a client who reached out to me...then call it good. Heck, I picked up dinner on the way home and I haven't even finished that. The frustration is real, but it is what it is. I can't change it.

In other news, I heard from "the man" a couple of days ago. He thanked me for the Christmas gifts that I sent. It was a short conversation but felt awkward. I had hopes that he'd start messaging me daily, but no such luck as of yet. My messages are going through now though so that's something.

Speaking of Christmas gifts, I wish the rest of what I'd ordered would get here already. I have to ship one to Canada but it has to get here from England first. It's supposed to come this week, but at this point, I'm sure that it won't make it to Rob on time. How frustrating. I'd have ordered him something else if I'd paid attention to where this is coming from. Somehow I missed England. Still, it's an awesome gift that I think he'll like so it may just be a new years gift in the end. 

I have to see the dietician tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous because they kept saying with the referral written how it is, my insurance won't cover it. They said they'd take care of it, and I certainly hope that they do. I can't afford a medical bill on top of the holidays. 

But that reminds me that I have half a dozen pages of paperwork to fill out. I don't know if they'll weigh me tomorrow, but if they do, I sure hope that it's gone down with all the really yummy stuff I haven't eaten in a couple of weeks.

Love,

Weekly Update: Hanging in there

 I was asked this morning how I'm doing and all I can say is that I'm hanging in there. This medicine is kicking my ass...literally. Main side effects: nausea, diarrhea, heartburn...I feel like a pepto commercial except pepto makes me even more nauseas if I take it. It is slowly improving, but I up the dosage tomorrow which worries me that I'll be back at square one.

I got to the point yesterday where I just wanted to cry about not feeling good. I just wanted to be wrapped up in one of those hugs where you just feel safe, but of course, covid, so that's not a thing. Still, I've been trying to do what I can.

Yesterday, I moved the Christmas tree from the kitchen where it's lived for the past year into the "wall" (aka the office/studio). The lights that someone put on it (We bought it from Goodwill last year already covered in lights.) aren't lighting up, so over this week I'll detangle all of those, check to see which strands actually work and then decorate the tree. I do need to pick up some more ornaments. I can't get to mine in the barn and only have maybe 8 from last year on it. I'm stopping at Walmart today so I'll pick up some more ball ornaments and maybe a few others. 

I also finished my last client project that's been sitting on my desk. I ought to be looking for new ones, but I really want to take the time between now and Christmas to focus on the house and preparing for the holiday. If something comes along, I won't turn it down because we can always use the money, but I'm not going to go searching. 

I'm almost done Christmas shopping which is nice. I have one thing for Ben, one thing for Roger, a couple of things for Molly, and something for Dylan and I'm done. It sounds like a lot, but they're all small things except for Dylan, who has still not given me any sort of list. I've threatened him with buying him nothing but ramen, but that doesn't seem to be phasing him. 

I still need to rebuild my card list. Last year's list is on one of my external drives. I need to find it and update it for this year. I've had a few people say that they'd like cards so I need to make sure that they're on the list. 

Overall, things are slowly coming together. It's not easy, but I'm trying to push forward and keep making little changes where I can. I've switched to wheat bread and Dylan gave me his old fitbit versa so now I have that to keep track of my movement. It still sucks, but hey, at least I have it verified that it sucks. Plus, the dietician called and they want to set up an appointment. I have to remember not to go in defensive. They're there to help me. I just hope I can make some of it happen. 

Anyway, that's life here. I've been super blessed that Eric has been messaging me to make sure I'm okay and to talk things through with me. It helps a lot. I've told very few people about this so knowing I have someone to listen is worth its weight in gold...or his weight in gold...heh..It's hard not to worry that I'm bugging people with this, but I guess the bonus of not telling a lot of people is that I don't have many to bug...lol. 

Okay, time to get back to life. I have just about 2 hours before I have to pop into Walmart, take Ben to his specialist, and pick up part of Molly's Christmas gift. I think I might see if I can get any of those light strands untangled and off of the tree. 

Take care of yourselves and each other!

PS 11 weeks

PPS 321 lbs.

Weekly Update: Well, here we go...

 I don't know how many of you read my "bonus" post this week, but if you haven't, I've been diagnosed with diabetes. That's a scary sounding word, but my doctor has assured me that if I get my act together and eat healthier, exercise, and drop some weight, it's totally reversible. So, you'll probably be reading a lot for a while about my attempts at those things. 

It's tough because I can't afford to just replace everything in my fridge/pantry. I have to eat what's here. Still, as things go, I'm not replacing some of them. No more buying muffins or cookies, for example. I have quite a backlog of cereal, but once that's gone, I think I'm going to try overnight oats. Once the kitchen floor is fixed, I'll have better access to my stove which will allow me to do things like cook eggs for breakfast. Protein protein protein is apparently the new name of my diet game. 

Speaking of the kitchen floor, I've created another schedule for myself which allows for at least 15 minutes of cleaning each day. I figure with that, it won't be too long before I can notify the owners about that floor. With really needing the ability to cook again, it's more important than ever to get that taken care of. 

Mostly, I guess that it's important that I'm only freaking out a little. I've let a few people know and they've been super supportive. Rob pointed out that I have support and love as I work on making these changes. That's so important right now. I need to know that I have people I can turn to on good days and on bad days. I've posted vague posts to Facebook about a health issue but I haven't gone further than that. The posts didn't get a lot of attention but the comments were supportive which was nice. 

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, went to the post office, and read over my list of things that I need to do today. There are a couple that I'm pretty meh about, but I need to stick with this schedule the best that I can. That means packaging up books to mail and cleaning even if I don't really want to. Does anyone have any idea where I put the packing tape?

 

Weekly Update: Monday again?

 Holy crow. These Mondays seem to be coming faster and faster. Today is a bit of a mixed bag because Ben has been here since Friday night and I love having that time with him. We worked on the house (he's a fantastic helper and supporter), watched a lot of football, watched a couple of Halloween specials, talked, and hung out. Today I take him to his OT appointment and then back to his dad's. Not my favorite thing, but he has work tomorrow. I'm just feeling lucky that he chose to spend his days off with his mom. 

Other than that, it was a fairly typical kind of week. I wrapped up not only a novel, but three comic projects which was awesome. I was also hired to proofread a trade paperback which is doubly awesome. I should get that done this week. I don't have anything lined up for after that which is a bit nerve wracking, but I'll survive. I do have two clients with outstanding balances so that will help on the financial side.

The house is slowly coming along. The living room is probably as good as it's going to be. The biggest problem is just having too much stuff. I'm going to have to do a major book purge and I'm not looking forward to that. I love my books. Still, there just isn't enough room in this house for all of the ones that I have. At some point I'm going to have to suck it up. I'm going to start with taking all of the books that I've already purged that are stacked upstairs on the landing.

I did a light cleaning in the bathroom. I still need to do a deeper cleaning, but that won't take too long. The biggest challenge is the kittens getting their toes all wet and dancing all over everything, leaving kitten prints. They love to see everything that's going on that's even slightly new. 

So, the biggest thing left is the kitchen. It's a bit "scary" with the floor, but like the books, it has to get done. The trash can is overflowing, so the kitchen will probably wait until the weekend. I can tackle the bathroom though. Easy peasy, right? Right. I mean, it's already mostly done. What's left is mostly just quick wipe downs of surfaces and scrubbing the bathtub. Then, sweeping and mopping the floor again. 

Other than that, life is same old, same old. I got back on track with getting to bed on time. I need to restart the alarm for getting up in the morning. I've stuck with taking my medicine, even on days when I'm tempted to just skip it. My mood seems stable, even with "the man" now on week six of not talking to me. He's now stopped posting to social media so I'm concerned, but not letting it slow me down. Rob and I talked over the weekend which was really nice. So, life is just ticking along. 

I want to thank you guys for reading this. If things keep going okay, I might come up with some topics to write about again. For now though, I'm signing off and getting some work done while the kid is in class.

Love you all! Take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Backsliding

 I'm getting a late start today because I've spent the past few nights up far too late. That means I sleep in way too late and a cycle begins. Starting tonight I've got to buckle down and get myself to bed on time and start turning on that alarm that I said I was going to. I guess I did a bit of backsliding, but it's nothing that can't be readjusted. 

Other than that, things are okay. I got my car fixed so that's one less worry. I even got a load of laundry done for the first time in months. I'm going to try to get another load done today. It will probably have to wait until I get back from taking Ben to OT, but it can be done. Baby steps are still steps, after all. 

The kittens both go in to be fixed on Wednesday so I have to remember no food for them after midnight tomorrow. They're not going to like it, but I'll have to keep them in the bathroom overnight. Of course, that means one night of Mina not sticking her face in mine until I wake up to her cold nose. Of course, it also means getting up early to get them into the vet on time. I guess it balances out.

In other news, I managed to write another story for the book. It feels different from the other stories though so I hope it fits in. I also managed to write two comic reviews and a Kickstarter of the Week for Geek-o-Rama so that felt really good. I hadn't written a review in forever. I'm going to try to do one more this week. I have stacks off comics sitting here that I can write about. 

Let's see...still nothing from "the man." I think this is week 5 now. I saw a picture of him yesterday and he looks tired, like life is dragging him down. I'm not spending much time focused on him though. I have my own life that needs living. Things with Rob are okay. We've settled into a pattern of him texting me every few days and sometimes me texting somewhere in between. He's back to his life now though so he doesn't always respond. I'm sure he reads it, thinks he'll respond when he gets a minute, then forgets. I dunno. It is what it is. 

Wow, I really don't know what to write about today. Usually the words flow, but not this afternoon. My brain just keeps telling me I should go back to sleep. That's not going to happen though. I have just two hours until I have to change clothes and head out. Sorry, body. 

What I am going to do though is get some work done. I feel miles behind on this book for a client and I have some comic projects lined up for after that so I need to get moving on this. Have an amazing week, everyone.

Love you!

Weekly Update: Safe Spaces

 Before I get into the topic at hand this week, I want to just sum up this week's ...well, week. I'd have to say that it was good. It started with Ben here which I really enjoyed. I tackled a good portion of the living room which has helped my mood. Of course, the cats have knocked a few things over so I have to redo a bit of it. I'm still not sleeping great, but there's not much that can be done about that. I do need to remember to take some water upstairs tonight because my bottle is empty.

I also finally got to start work on the book for my client in. As of this writing, I'm only 82 pages in out of 250, but I'm making progress and if the week goes mostly like planned, I should finish it at the week's end. Then, I can pay my yard guy who yet again cannot grasp the concept of twice a month mowing and did every two weeks instead which put me $100 behind with him. I'm thinking of asking him to only mow one more time and that's it for the season. We haven't been getting rain, so the grass isn't really growing. 

I did take my car in to be looked at and luckily, the problem is under warranty so the only thing I have to pay for is two new tires. That will be done on Thursday so one more worry off my plate.  

Medicine has been going well. I think I'm two weeks in now and no more horrible side effects and I feel...calmer. I've also been doing well with my in bed and laying down by midnight bedtime. I think I'm going to start setting an alarm for getting up in the morning. It will be pretty late in the morning but I'll slowly move it up until it's a "normal time" for people to be up and moving. I still intend to talk to my doctor next month about how tired I always seem to be.

...and I don't have a beautiful segue into the topic that's been on my mind for the past day or so. I think I've been thinking about it because I've been thinking so much about Rob and "the man" and what they give to me. One thing has always been a safe space. I know that must seem odd because "the man" has been rather...off...lately. But when we're physically together, everything seems right and I feel safe.

I used to have quite a few safe spaces, but over the years, they've one by one disappeared. A number of years ago, I was in a relationship that ended rather abruptly. The next day, I got into my van and drove to Vermont, mostly because Rob wasn't available. If I had to guess, I'd say his girlfriend at the time made sure to let him know I wasn't welcome to visit. Sad really because I adored her and thought of her as family. Anyway, I ended up in Vermont and hid there for a couple of days. That location disappeared when Dave got married to a Canadian friend who didn't want to go back to Canada. I was never introduced and strangers don't equal safe to me. 

Rob has always been a safe space for me, no matter where he's lived. I've always known that he watches out for me and that I can just be me when I'm around him. I don't have to be "on." It's a really nice feeling. I miss not being able to get to that because of the border. I don't really need a safe space right now, but I feel as if maybe he does. I hope he considers me a safe space as well.

As for "the man," I'm not a safe space for him. It's been a month since I last heard from him and whenever this happens, it means something has shaken up his world. He doesn't confide in me...unless we're physically together...which only happens months after whatever happened happened. It sucks. It's not ideal for either of us. I miss him. 

I miss quite a bit  right now though. Covid has taken that ability to be those places. I keep hoping that we can get our acts together and somehow I can hug and kiss those I love again. I have a great desire to just curl up and talk or watch a movie or any of those intimate little things that make life so much better. I'm sure a lot of people do. 

Until we can though...Please take care of yourselves and each other...

PS I'm sorry about the lack of paragraphs still. I've reported it as a problem multiple times now.

Weekly Update: 95% Back to Normal

 Whew. What a difference a week makes. Last week was so hard but I'm thankful to report that I've weathered the storm of getting back on my medication and I'm feeling so much better. Now, to remind myself how miserable that week was when I start thinking about going off the meds again. I don't know why I do that. I'm so good about them for ages then I just stop one night. At least this last time I had pneumonia as a reason, but still...

Anyway, that's over, thank goodness. I don't have very much else to report since I spent the entire week pretty much on the couch. I did go into town with Ben and had lunch on Wednesday. That was nice except for the fact that food just didn't appeal to me. I'm still finding that to be a bit of a problem. I know I need to eat but once the food is in front of me, I'm kind of meh about it. It's frustrating because I don't want to waste food so I either force myself to eat it or I put it in the fridge and hope it sounds better later. 

Since there's not much to say about last week, I guess I'll jot down my goals for this coming week:

1. Finish cleaning the bathroom

2. Work on the living room

3. Help Ben with homework

4. Log new client's book

5. Start new client's book

6. Continue in bed by midnight

7. Set up appointment to get the kittens spayed/neutered

Not a complicated list but one that I think is achievable which is important after last week where I got essentially nothing accomplished. Some of it I can knock out today which will help set me up with time to work on the book. That's going to be a big one. It's the writer's first novel which is always special and just a little bit scary. For now though, I'm going to put a call into our vet and get these babies scheduled to be fixed. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

2020 Birthday Wrap Up

 Okay, first of all, what the heck is up with sites feeling they need a brand new design? First Facebook...whose new design sucks and I have rejected it 11 times now. I know they're going to force it on me soon, but I will hold out as long as possible. Now it's Blogger. I really don't know why companies feel they have to fix things that aren't broken. Focus on adding features, fixing bugs, not redesign. 

There. Now that I have that off my chest, it's time for the annual birthday blog post. I used to do this over on Life With Katie, but since I've made that my author site, I felt here was a better place for it since it's not about writing goals or anything like that. 

Let's start by summarizing my birthday: the good, the bad, the summary style. 

The Good - First text of the day was from my best friend. I've missed him so damn much and he doesn't know that, but every time his text chime goes off, I smile. I cannot wait until we can be together again. That reminds me...I think I still owe him about 7 steaks.

A friend called and we were on the phone for nearly four hours. It was pretty awesome. 

I got an incredible weighted blanket from Justin. It has albino penguins all over it and I can't wait to use it. I also got taken out for a very late lunch/early dinner by my oldest and my "middle" child got to join us. (Middle is in quotes because he's my youngest biologically but the son we "adopted" is like 4 days younger than him.)

I got to pick a name for the name a cat poll on my favorite Twitch channel (Twitch.tv/Apoinsettia) and my name won! I'd like to welcome Sadie officially to the channel. I also got happy birthdays there, on the SeanLikesJazz channel, and on Discord. Plus all of the ones on Facebook and a new thrown in on Twitter. Super nice.

The Bad - "The Man" sucks. Yep. I'm not being nice on this. He pretty much blew off our anniversary and then yesterday? No text. No card. No gift. He didn't even respond to my text. In fact, he hasn't in 9 days now. What did he do? He posted to my Facebook wall: Hey you, happy birthday.  ...I wanted to respond, Hey you, we need to talk, but I didn't. I did send him a text last night saying that I was super sad that he wouldn't even text me on my birthday. Zero response. Big surprise, huh? 

Anyway, enough about that. I need to do something about it, but I also need to do a thousand other things...so...only other bad? No other cards or gifts. Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy, but it is what it is. I have a need to be validated on that one day a year and while social media posts are great, they're just not the same thing. Maybe next year I'll throw myself a card party...

The Summary - Not a bad day overall. There were some tears thanks to "the man" but there were also smiles and laughter. I'd give the day a solid 7.5/10. Only things missing? A phone call from my best friend, "the man" not being a douche, and a few more cards/gifts.

Now, for anyone who has read my past birthday blog posts, you know that I often use my birthday as a day of introspection and planning for the upcoming year. I usually pick something to focus on and set some goals. Why break tradition, right?

Focus: Mental health

Mental health can be the root of so many other issues. It can be why I don't take care of myself, why I don't do things or get things done. Ever since I had pneumonia and then Covid happened (to the world, not to me), I've struggled with all of this. I had such a hard time when I was sick that I stopped taking my medicine. I was coughing so much that I was throwing up and it just became easier not to take it. Unfortunately, as anyone who struggles with a medication schedule knows, once you mess up that schedule, it's so hard to get back to it. So, my taking my meds appropriately is step 1 of getting back on track. They should help me get to a place where I can start handling things that I've let slide again. 

Goals:

I'm keeping these simple. They need to be attainable so that I can achieve them and then set new goals. Nobody said you can only set goals on your birthday and new years, right?

Goal #1: Books

I want to have written and published two more books by the time my birthday rolls around next year. Apo's Army is already in progress and then I want to go back to the toy store. This is doable. 

Goal #2: House

Due to my mental health, I've allowed the house to get more than a little out of control. I need to reign that in and then over the coming year get some serious house fixes done. By done I mean letting the owner know there are issues. My main ones are: kitchen floor (hopefully within the next couple of weeks), furnace (November) and water heater/electrical (Spring).  I'm spreading these out so that the owner doesn't 100% freak out. I don't want to go another year without heat in the house though. Can it be done? Yes. Do I deserve to have heat? Yes. I just need to remind myself of that.

Goal #3: Car

This one seems kind of silly, but I want to clean out my car...like really clean it out, wiping everything down, etc and keep it nice. I'm so tired of it looking like I live in it or something. Next time I go out to it, I'm going to take a trash bag with me and just start filling it with whatever needs to go into the trash can. Front seats should be pretty easy. Then, I'll tackle the back seat. There's an a/c unit back there. Maybe when the boys stop by this weekend I'll get Roger to put that into the barn. 

So, that's it. My focus and goals for this coming birth year. They're small, but I think they're all really important. I'm off to actually write a post for Life With Katie. I've been so horrible about updating there. It's one of the things that I stopped doing in the Covid depression era. I need to get better about that.

Have an amazing day, all of you! You're much loved.

PS New blogger got rid of my entire list of tags. Argh! 

Weekly Update: Yawn...

Ello all you lovely people who pop in to read my ramblings. It's Monday and that weekend was a doozy. I spent a good portion of Saturday texting with Rob and wrapping up a client's book. Nothing super exciting. Sunday was a tad more exciting. I had planned on writing, but instead made the courageous decision to go grocery shopping.

Okay, courageous might be an exaggeration. For the most part everyone is complying with #MaskOnMichigan ...why did I just hashtag that? Anyway...it's not much of a scary thing to go, I suppose. I just really didn't want to and had to talk myself into it.  I got to Walmart and immediately a woman stopped me to ask if my tires helped the car in the winter. I said nothing helps that car in the winter. It's too light weight to handle snow well. Turns out she has one that's a year older and feels the same way. After that chat, I actually did my shopping. I was only stopped one other time and that was by a U of M fan asking who had dressed me that morning since I was wearing my favorite MSU hoodie. Yes, I 100% put on an oversized hoodie so I wouldn't have to put on a bra and it be totally obvious. I also had a lovely five minute or so chat with a lovely couple in produce. I know that's probably frowned upon but that was my first in person socialization since Tuesday. I badly needed just to talk to someone, even if it was mostly about how much Covid sucks and petting zoos that are still open.

Got out to the car and I had almost no energy but I loaded it up, stopped at Wendy's for some dinner (I hadn't eaten yet that day.) and drove home. This is when things started to go downhill. I had bought mostly perishables so they had to come into the house. I think it took me four trips from car to front porch and then that many to go from front porch to living room where I sat the bags all on the table. I managed to get half of them put away when I had to stop and sit down. I was lightheaded and short of breath. After a half hour or so, I got the rest of them put away, but I wasn't feeling right so I laid back down on the couch and texted with Rob and Justin. Justin thinks I need to have a lung capacity test done in case I damaged my lungs when I had pneumonia. Rob questioned if it hadn't been covid. I dunno. I just know that this is how it's been since I had it and it sucks. I have no physical stamina.

It took three hours before I felt normal again. Gross. By that time it was too late to really do anything so I mostly just watched tv and talked about me moving with Rob. I have to do it. I know it's coming. I just don't know where to move to. I do know that it's going to be super scary for me and that, on some level, I ought to be preparing for it now...trying to downsize, etc. Just the idea of trying to pack up this house is completely overwhelming. I'll probably start doing it a good six months before the actual move. I know I'll start with "the wall" aka my studio because it can be a staging area for boxes from other rooms.

Anyway, no use worrying over that now when I have enough other worries. I suspect that some of you may want to know what's up between Rob and myself. Well, I proposed that we just keep being "us"...carrying on how we have been but that he had to promise on all things holy to communicate with me, even if he was afraid of how I might respond. He did and so, for now, we're mostly cursing covid which is keeping us from seeing each other. Who knows how long it will be until the border is open again. It sucks, but it is what it is. At least this is happening now and not back when we'd have had to write letters and then wait weeks to hear back, right? Now I can pick up my phone and shoot him off a text message.

I wish I had something grand to say here. I'm doing better, which is good. I'm struggling with my relationship with "the man" especially with Rob back in my life. I pretty much live a life of solo polyamory so it's not being with both of them that's the issue. It's comparing how one treats me versus how the other one does. I've grown tired of being ignored for days on end just to have "the man" act like it didn't happen. I don't have the emotional sporks though to confront him right now though. I need to focus on a hundred other things.

I suppose that's all for today. It's kind of a blah post for a blah day. I'm going to grab something to eat and then dive into some work. I'm excited that I have two different comics on deck right now.  It's a lovely palate cleanser before I dive into another novel. For all of you, have a marvelous day. You're all important in your own way.

PS If you want to get a good night's sleep, I don't recommend getting two kittens. On Saturday night, Mina figured out the stairs and bed. Last night, she showed Apollo. 

Also, my birthday is in nine days and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I have zero plans and zero expectations that other than Facebook posts, anyone will do anything for it...

When do you say goodbye?

I should be working. Instead, here I am again. I'm feeling really insecure today and I know why, no matter how much I want to ignore it. It's "the man." We've been together for over five years now. I've stood beside him as he fought for custody of his kids, decided if he wanted to stay married to his wife, and what feels like a thousand other things. I don't know though if he's stood by me. Honestly, I feel ignored and taken for granted. That's the problem when you love as hard as I do. People tend to figure out that you aren't going anywhere.

The first couple of years that we were together were great. We talked all the time either via text or email or sometimes both at the same time. At some point though, the emails stopped. Then, over time, the texts slowed down. He used to share ideas with me, send me pictures, and just be there whenever I needed him. I don't remember the last time he sent me a picture. I find out about his ideas via Facebook...and I don't remember the last time he told me that he loved me. He's never been one to say it frequently but I've never gone without being able to remember the last time. We used to fall asleep together, texting back and forth. Now he never texts me around that time unless it's every once in a great while to say goodnight. He used to always call me by a nickname that he had for me, now he never does. He used to tell me I'm beautiful, now he tells someone else.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I realized that even when I ask him for something small...like a photo or a message, that he never does it. Twice in the past month he'd told me he'll send me photos "soon" or "soon enough." He hasn't.

The past few days he hasn't even responded to my texts really. I send him a lovely one yesterday morning and he ignored it. Last night, when he'd posted to Facebook that he was done writing, I sent him a message. His reponse? "Writing" ...except you just said you were done. I told him I'd leave him alone. I haven't messaged him since. He probably won't even notice if all day goes by and he doesn't hear from me.

It's so hard. When we're physically together, things are so good between us. We talk about things. When we're apart, I feel like he forgets about me.

Then, there's Rob. I'm so damn insecure with that. I don't know what he wants. I mean, he's made it kind of obvious that he wants to go back to how things were, but how can we? He destroyed me. Even today, when I told him that I'm feeling insecure, he didn't respond. I can't do that. I can't be intimate with someone who can't be there when I need someone to tell me that I'm wonderful and they love me. Of course as soon as I say he hasn't responded, he responds. Thirty seven minutes, but at least he knew he had to respond.

I don't know. The only thing that keeps me with "the man" is knowing how good we are together when we're together, but with covid, who knows when that might happen again. I just wish he'd tell me that he misses me at least. It's a stupid wish, but it's my wish. I could tell him that I need more from him, but I don't know what good it would do. He may just ignore that and then I'd feel even worse.

If I knew I had Rob to help balance things out, it'd be so much better. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Except, in some ways, it really just is how I've come to work. I've long given up that I'll ever get married again. I don't know who could handle the semi-hoarding, the depression, the anxiety, all the time. I live with it and I annoy myself. Does that mean that deep down, locked away, there isn't a mad desire to have someone love me like that? Of course there is. All I've wanted my entire life is to be loved like that. I guess deep down I've never totally gotten over the idea that I don't deserve that.

Still, this past week it's become more and more clear to me what I want with Rob is the same thing that I wanted 15 months ago when all hell broke loose. It's not a "we're together when we're together" kind of thing, but a we're together because it makes us happy kind of thing. I want a partner...someone that is my safe spot, someone that I can do things with or do nothing with. I want not just a sexual partner, but an emotional one as well. I want someone who will tell me they love me and not just in the bedroom. I don't want to be a secret. I'm not saying we need to be "Facebook official" or even tell anyone about us, but if we're out, I want to be able to hold their hand. I want to sneak a kiss at the stoplight.

I don't want a husband. Not right now. I don't want to be physically with someone 24/7. I don't think it would be healthy for me or for another person. I'm not sure I can explain this properly, but I want to be with him when we can be, but when we're not, we're still okay and still us. We have lives of our own but those lives include each other. I don't need 24/7 communication, but I need open communication. I don't need to be "the" one, but I need to know that if someone else comes along, it won't mean that I'm kicked to the curb or left in the dark. Not again. I can't do that again.

In some ways, I've always seen us as two halves to a whole. We know each other and in the past, we were able to balance each other. Your soulmate doesn't have to be your lifemate. If we started with what we were before "the horror" but with what I thought we were when I last left him, that'd be amazing. If it moved on past that, well, that'd be what it'd be. I'm not going into anything with the hopes that it will turn into something more. I've spent too many years being alone and being told things could never be more in the relationships that I've been in. Like I said, I don't truly believe that I deserve that whole "happily ever after - white picket fences" thing. Most of the time I'm okay with that. I just want us to be okay, but okay together again.

Ugh. These are all things that I should just be telling him, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me how he doesn't want another relationship after just ending such a toxic one. I mean, it's not like that's unreasonable, but we can't go back to what I thought we had before. I need more. I need reassurances. Most of all, I really need a freaking hug and to be told that it'll be all right.

Edit: Well, I asked him. I sent him a text asking what it was that he hoped for or wanted. His response? He doesn't know. He didn't know if I'd even answer him. He had just wanted to apologize and explain himself. He did that...August 31st. I guess after that it was just easy to fall into old habits...I think I'm going to go cry now and then fill out this paperwork that I forgot to do yesterday. It's better than hyperventilating my way into an asthma attack.

Weekly Update: Out of the Blue

Well, here we are, Monday again. It's been a rocky sort of week. Not terrible, just a bit rocky. Let's just start typing and see what we come up with, shall we?

Hmm...I don't know where to start...Let's see...

Ben's physical therapy is going well. He only has two more sessions left. In fact, he sees his nurse or whatever she is today to update her and see what the next steps are. His physical therapist doesn't think he needs muscle relaxers which is good. I'm a bit concerned because his arm has seemed to be really tight a couple of times. Physical therapy is so expensive though. His dad's insurance didn't cover $700 of his initial bill. If medicaid doesn't pick up some of that, it's all out of his bank account because I can't help and his stepmom won't let his dad. If we add occupational therapy onto that, that's another bill for the poor kid.

Roger is doing good. He's at his dad's. He doesn't want to spend regular time here which is really hard on me. He said to me this past week that it's gross here and he always feels as if he has to clean. That's a blow. It's not great here, but I didn't think it was gross. I've been trying to do things to improve the place, but I'm not moving fast enough and some of it is what do I tell the owners is the problem first...I don't want to tell them both big things at the same time. I feel like I've failed them. I know that it's not all my fault, but it is my brain that's the problem. I can't ignore that.

On the work front things are slowing down. That worries me, but there's nothing I can really do about it. I have one novel on my desk that I'm working on. I am supposed to have a couple of comics coming my way in September and possibly another novel, so I'll be okay.

DHS sucks. They were supposed to call me on Friday between 830 and 1030, but they never did. I tried calling but there were 47 people ahead of me and only an hour until they closed. I should try to call them again today but I don't have the time so it will have to wait until tomorrow. It's so frustrating that I gave them the information that they requested and they rejected it and now I have to go through all of this.

Let's throw some good news into the mix before I get into what's really weighing on me this morning...

Yesterday, we (Ben and I) picked up two tiny black kittens from someone that I know. Their mother had been hit by a car and this couple rescued the litter from the barn and bottle raised them. To say that they're spoiled is an understatement. These guys have been on high end food and cuddled and coddled to no end. My boys aren't 100% sure why I brought new babies into their house but nobody has massively freaked out. I had them in their carrier, on the couch, last night where everyone could smell each other. Then they spent last night in the bathroom, where they still are. I need to work and that allows them to still all smell each other and get used to each other. It also allows the babies to stretch their legs and explore a bit. When I went in there this morning to use the bathroom, they were curled up together on my jeans that I'd left in there. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, Mina (the female) came running over, climbed up on my lap, then my chest for snuggles. Then she spent a few minutes walking laps around my chest and shoulders, purring the whole time. She is 100% a lover. Apollo, her brother, came over for some attention too but was more interested in exploring the bathtub than me. I think given a bit of time for adjustment, they'll do well here. I've already left a message for my vet to take them in for a well check since they've not been to one yet.

Now...This part is going to be long so if you want to scroll, I'll put a tl;dr at the bottom.

I had a friend. A best friend. We were close and had known each other for about 10 years. After he ended his relationship with his girlfriend, we became lovers of sorts. I say of sorts because we live a good 5 hours apart and due to life stuff, we almost never saw each other. In fact, from the first time we were together that way to the second (and last) time, there was six years in between. While I was at his place the first time things happened, I told him that it would be really hard for me when he got another girlfriend because that'd end things between us. He told me that it wouldn't, that whoever he was with would have to accept me too.  Now, this may sound weird to some of you, but both him and I had led "alternative" lifestyles for ages so it wasn't weird to us.

Six years go by...six long as years where I don't get to see him. It sucked. I'll just leave it at that. One night, out of the blue, he asks if he can call me. I was excited, right until he called me and told me he was calling because a friend of ours had died. I was stunned. My instinct was that I needed to be there, but I was afraid to ask him if I could come. I did though and he told me, of course. The trip there was chaos...my car broke down, I had to get a rental, I had a hard time getting my data to work internationally...chaos. Somehow though, when I got there and he hugged me, it all seemed worth it. I was in my safe space. He's always been my safe space...someone I could be around and just be me. I didn't have to put on an act or pretend. On the way there, I had let him know I'd be late due to all the car nonsense and I had said something about doing something that might be bad for me when I was there...He thought I meant smoke marijuana (he uses it medicinally) but I meant sleeping with him again. I knew that if I did, it'd be even harder on me to go and not know when I might see him again.

That night, I didn't know where I was sleeping. I had asked if I could borrow his couch when I had initially asked if I could stay with him. I didn't know his feelings on things...but somehow, that night, I ended up in his bed. It was probably as simple as him asking if I was coming to bed. Once we got there, I could tell that he was as nervous as I was...we both wanted it, but there were a lot of years and emotion in between. Things happened. I'll leave it at that.

A couple of days later, I had to get back so I packed things up and headed home. This time, though, I was sure I'd see him again soon, probably in a few months. I was wrong, so very, very wrong. About 4 months later, he posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship. My heart broke because I just knew that it meant I was out. I tried to talk to him and he said he'd wanted to talk to me...wanted to, but hadn't. I won't lie. I pretty much lost it. Losing him meant losing one of the few places in this world that I felt safe, where I felt protected. There were other things going on and I was off my medication. It was ugly. I probably begged him not to do this to me.

What I do remember is coming home one night and sitting in my car. I couldn't stop crying. It was all too much. I'd lost my lover, my best friend, my safe space...I recorded a voice message for him that basically said I planned on killing myself and this was my goodbye message for him. The next morning, I updated my "if I die" file and then poured all of my medication into a wooden bowl that he had made. I had read if you take enough of the medication with alcohol, it would kill you. I had a bottle of sangria left over from New Years. Only my silly little cat (who I miss desperately) stopped me from doing it. Every time I reached for the bowl, she stood in between me and it and demanded I pet her. As for him? He never responded.

That was it for me...this man who supposedly loved me would let me die. Avoiding the conflict was more important than saving me. Months went by. The day after my birthday I sent him a text...he never misses my birthday...saying he'd forgotten. He said he had, he was sorry, but that he needed to find a new place to live fast. I knew what was coming maybe before he did. He was going to move in with her. They were going to start their happily ever after. I'd already muted him on social media and I kept it that way. Every post was like a stab in the back, but after a while, I got tired of crying and decided to move on with my life. He'd made his decision. It was to not have me in his life anymore.

Fast forward a year...to last night...he sent me a text saying that he was in the hospital but wanted to voice chat with me if I'd talk to him. I still love him, god help me, but the trust that we had is no longer there. He blew that up. Still, I texted with him a bit...about what he was doing in the hospital, about how I got kittens...easy things. I did ask him if he was high on pain meds and that's why he thought reaching out to me was a good idea. When he initially text me, he said he was now in a position to talk...my first thought was, "Were you being held against your will for the past year?"

Today I asked him why he reached out to me. He said he'd rather voice chat about it. He did say that he's sorry and he owes me a lot of sorries. Well, that's true but it doesn't help me from crying as I relive all of that. It doesn't change that even after something like 15 months that I don't feel 100% betrayed. I moved on, but my heart never truly did. I'm scared. Do I want to risk being hurt again? Am I strong enough? I don't know...I know that if I told him that I can't, he'd respect that. What I don't know if is I want to tell him no...

TL;DR: Former friend/lover bailed on me for 15 months and has made a reappearance in my life.

Edited to add: I let him call. He apologized for..well...everything. He was sincere. If knowing him for as long as I have means anything, I know when he's being sincere. Is everything 100% between us? Probably not. It's going to take some time to rebuild that trust to where it was before. It turns out that he got himself into a bad situation with this woman and like we've all done at some point, didn't see the red flags for what they were until it was too late. He's moved out now and will be rebuilding for a bit. I wish I could see him face to face because I think it'd bring healing to both of us, but since I'm not allowed in his country, that's not going to happen. This will be a one day at a time rebuilding of a friendship, but I think it'll be okay and that's the part that matters.

Weekly Update: Monday again?

It seems like we just had a Monday and here we are back with another one. I'm super sleepy and super sneezy today. I'm sure that the two aren't connected but if they are, I'm going to go take a nap.

Man, I wish I had a great segue with speaking of naps... but I don't. I do have a Roger here though which is nice. I really wish he were staying longer than just until tomorrow. It hurts knowing that he's not going back to campus but doesn't really want to stay here either. He says it's because the dryer doesn't work and the shower is always cold. I can't argue that. It's true. I'm hoping to get a repairman out for the dryer once I finish this next project. As for the shower, something keeps tripping the circuit that the water heater is on. That's something that the owner will have to deal with which means that I need to keep dealing with the house so I can make that happen.

I guess that leads to the past week. I struggled some with being removed from Indie Volt. They didn't even talk to me about it, they just didn't send me the link to join the show. I wasn't surprised, but I was hurt. The owner and I have supposedly been friends for years. Four days before I made the post about working with anyone affiliated with a hate group, we drove two hours to his kid's birthday party and hung out all day. Now, he's making digs about me on his show and/or letting others do the same thing. One of his hosts unfriended me on social media, the other tried to take a few swings at me on my own post. It's disheartening to realize that people you thought were good people aren't really good people at all. The whole thing made me really sad.

There were other bits of drama...like a creative team that I worked with telling the publisher that my lack of communication was part of the reason they were pulling their book from being published by them. I gave these guys every possible way to reach me, including my phone number. They never used it. I really don't like being thrown under the bus like that.

Speaking of sad...(yeah, I had to use that.) I sold my flute yesterday. I hadn't made a really solid effort to do so because part of me felt guilty. My grandmother bought it for me when I was in high school and even though it wasn't something I enjoyed playing (open hole) and it had no real monetary value (low-end instrument), she had bought it for me. Then, I remembered what it was like clearing out her house when she got sick. I don't want that for my kids. There's no reason to hold onto things that you don't love. She wouldn't feel bad that I sold it to a young woman who was insanely excited to receive it. I have to say that her excitement did make me smile. She was so grateful that I was selling it to her.

I wish all people were as awesome as she was. I've been trying to get rid of three totes full of craft items for months. There has to be close to $500 worth of items between the three totes. I listed them all three totes for $30...then $20...nothing. I listed them for free and I've had at least ten people ask about them. One went so far as to ask if I'd deliver them to her for free. That was a big solid no. First of all, I doubt they'd all fit inside my car. Secondly, at least offer $5 for gas...

Anyway, someone is supposed to pick those up in about ninety minutes. Hopefully she shows up. It's going to hurt to let them go that way, but at least I'll be reclaiming a chunk of my front porch. I keep reminding myself that space has value as does the peace that I feel looking at something tidy and not all junked up. My front porch totally feels all junked up right now. So does my house so I'm going to be trying to work on that at least a little bit each day.

Man, I am terrible at transitioning topics today but I'm just going to pretend that since they're all about me, that's okay. I've been neglecting me...or maybe disrespecting me is a better phrase for a bit. The other night, I cracked open a brand new notebook and I wrote a list of 10 things that are important and that I need to be focusing on. Oddly enough, jackassy people didn't make that list. Things like taking the time to read or build Lego (self-care), spending time with my boys (family), and working on my own career did. Building myself an emotionally healthy atmosphere also made the list. It's a good list and one that I can go back to when things feel like they're spiraling. I can go back and say...what's really important? and then focus on that.

For now though, I need to go log a new project and get some work in on the current one. Keep being amazing, my friends, and taking care of yourselves.

Weekly Update: Reclaiming Me

This will have to be a short post, I'm afraid. I have to leave soon to go do something that's just for me. I have an appointment this afternoon to get my hair cut. I never cut my hair. I leave it long because "the man" likes it and I mostly don't care. It's been long most of my life. After today's appointment, it won't be. I'm having at least 6-8 inches taken off. When I get depressed, I stop brushing it. There's some natural curl to it so it starts to knot. This time, it'd been months since I brushed it out. It took me an estimated 4-6 hours to brush out all of the knots and snarls. I ask myself why I'm writing this where others can see it...I guess because this is my reality.

It's been no secret that I've been struggling for a while now and I'v decided that if I can't properly care for long hair, I shouldn't be having it. It's not a punishment, more of a self-care item. Not brushing it becomes something very stressful for me. If I cut it shorter, it will be easier to maintainer. Besides, hair grows. It'll get longer again.

After that, I have to go grocery shopping. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks and I have nothing more than a box of cereal to really eat. Time to fix that.

After that, maybe I'll come back and post more here. I'd like to, but we'll see where the day takes me.
----

I'm back! I did it. I walked into the salon and told the woman to have her way with my hair and oh boy, did she! I think she had to have cut 8-10 inches off of it. I'm kind of in love with the new cut though and it's going to be so much easier to maintain. When I shake my head, I feel my hair moving, not acting as an anchor. I don't know if I'll keep it short, but for now, it's fantastic.

If you look close, you can see a comparison of where she'd cut and what was still hanging down in front long.

This is just some of the hair that ended up on the floor when we were all done. I snapped this quick so I didn't get multiple angles or all of the area.

The finished product! Like I said, I kinda love it. I don't know what it will be like without the product in it but I do know that it will be a lot easier to maintain and that I'm also kinda proud of me for just going and doing it. I was nervous, but I knew this would be something good for me and I did it.

Right. Enough about my hair, even if it makes me smile. As you may notice, by the fact I'm actually smiling, things are better today. I have enough work to keep me busy for most of this month and enough money to pay my car tags. Usually when that bill shows up, I panic right up until the last minute. They're not due for about 6 weeks, but once I'm done writing this post, I'm going to pay them. That feels really good.

Let's see...what else is happening? I'm adopting a couple of kittens either this coming weekend or next. I'm not totally sure. I'm waiting for their foster dad to give me a date. He rescued them from his barn when their mum was hit by a car. There are a total of 5 of them but they're planning on keeping two or three of them. Roger says I have to have most of the downstairs cleaned before we go get them so I guess that will be my motivation. I've decided if one of them is male that I'm naming him Aziraphale to keep up with my literary cat namings. If it's female, I have no idea and I have no idea for a second name. I'll come up with something though. I mean it would be weird to not name it...just call it noname cat... Then again, the No Names are my favorite monster in Nick's comics...I don't think the kids would go for it though.

Life feels okay today. I'm slowly digging myself out of the hole that I created for myself and I'm hoping that I can continue to do so without another major backslide. Oh! I forgot to say that I also ordered and picked up my prescriptions today so I can make sure to get back on track with those. Woot! It's another babystep, but an important one.

For now though, I'm going to get some work done while I'm feeling productive. Take care of yourselves and each other, okay?

Weekly Update: Ugh...

So when we last left off, I had posted about my experience with Nick Gibson. Life has been interesting since then. I've had people question why I kept talking to him when he couldn't further my career (implying that if he could further my career, I should have put up with it) and I even saw one person calling it a revenge post and possible cyber-bullying. All I can do is shake my head. I wrote the post as a warning to others and since then, I sleep with my doors locked. Yes, I'm afraid of retaliation. After all, he called the police on a friend of mine who vocally criticized him and his actions.

But, I want to move past that. It's just one piece of my life and I don't want to live within it. I said my piece and I'll "happily" talk about it if asked, but my life is continuing onward and I need to move with it. Tomorrow, my book is officially released and I'm full of nerves and excitement. I love this book and I really hope that others do too. I really want for it to do well.

On top of that, the Kickstarter is still running. We need about $1200 to fund and there's 11 days left. I know that it's possible, but it gets nerve wracking. With all of this, I'm amazed that I sleep at night. I do though...even if it takes me a while to fall asleep. I think the cats know because over the past week or so, one of more of them will come to bed with me and curl up where I can reach them to pet them. They can be royal pains, but I love them.

Let's see...what else...I'm busy with work which is good. I'm behind on a client's book which isn't good but I'm hopeful that I can catch up and have it back to him tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow...in the middle of the book launch...Ahh well, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.

I guess that's it. I had a million thoughts before I sat down and then they scattered. I think there's just so much going on this week that I'm having trouble keeping up with myself. I'll get through this though and come out the other side. I may be sweating and clutching desperately at a pen but I'll make it through.

Weekly Update: Steamy

Holy crow, y'all! We got a whole bunch of rain and now it's hot and steamy. It's too dang early for this! We skipped over Spring and jumped right into summer and I'm not a happy girl. My house is old, has like no insulation and no air conditioning. I've already got our two fans running (our other fans broke) and I'm typing this in the dark. Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of hot, sticky days?

Let's move on to something happier, eh? I had my live reading (via Facebook live) on Thursday evening and while it wasn't a huge turn out (6 consistent, a few others popped in and out), I think that it went really well. I had a couple of people ask when the book is being released and someone said that they thought that I should narrate children's books. That's a pretty nice compliment. So, I'm happy with it. Relieved that I never have to do a "first" one of those again...lol! There's a decent chance that I'll do one more live reading before the book is released, but I haven't totally decided when and what story.

Speaking of live readings though, I've tentatively set up my first in store reading for later this summer. Someone that I know is opening a collectibles shop and wants to do monthly events and is interested in me coming in and reading to local kids. I'd also bring along coloring sheets and crayons for the kids. I think it would be fun so I'm hesitantly looking forward to that.

Let's see...what else? I haven't made a decision regarding the job that I was approached with. I can't see a single reason not to take it, other than...it's not clicking with me. Maybe it's because I want to focus more on writing my own books (and blurbs). My editing business is also doing well right now so I don't want to take away from my clients. I'm still thinking on it though so we'll see what happens.

I do think that I have decided to take on the show on Indie Volt. I'm not quite sure who my guests will be or what the show will be, but it's a good way to get my name out there more. It's something to keep contemplating at least.

Things are okay here. We're all healthy and right now, that's a big deal. I had some drama yesterday with someone who took advantage of my being a helper. I've learned my lesson with him though and he won't be getting any more free work/consultations from me again. It's disappointing when people reveal themselves to be total asses, but they're out there and I happened to trip over one.

As for this week, it's a keep on keeping on kind of week. I have to take Ben to the orthopedist tomorrow and other than that, I'm home and working. I've got books to do for clients and that studio isn't going to finish itself. I also have to go to the post office to mail out some comics and Lego minifigs to folks who lost things in the recent floods. I hope that they bring smiles to people's faces. I'm happy to help in any small way that I can.

Now I think I'm going to make some lunch (something cold!) and then continue working. I think I'll also have to convince my cat that the fan isn't for him and he has to share...

Weekly Update: Rain, Rain, Go Away

Whew! It's been raining and raining and raining. My neighborhood is flooded. My yard never floods and the side yard is standing water. Luckily, we don't have a functional basement (we have a Michigan basement) so nothing is damaged here, but I'm seeing posts from folks saying they've lost entire comic collections and such. Ugh! I'm sending some of mine to one of those folks...he lost something like a few thousand comics. I'm not sure mine will help, but if he doesn't want them, I won't be upset if he finds a new home for them.

Speaking of new homes, my external hard drive didn't arrive on time (what does these days?) so instead of backing up files, etc, I started tackling my studio..known around here as "the wall". Holy crow, I feel as if I may never finish. I've spent probably a good twelve hours in there already and it's nowhere close to done. This is what happens when you never properly set up a room and then let it become the junk room. I've hauled out 2 bags of trash, multiple broken cardboard boxes, and have 3 boxes of things set aside for Goodwill. On top of that, I have an entire tote filled with scrapbooking supplies/books that I'd like to sell. Did I mention that I'm nowhere close to done yet? It's insane how much I shoved into one room. Still, I'm determined to make it a functional space again so all I can do is keep going whenever I have the chance.

It can be overwhelming though. I know that when I was in there over the weekend, I'd get one little section done and then just look around, stuck. My youngest was trying to encourage me by telling me that I was doing a good job, but then would get completely frustrated with me when I'd say thank you, but there's still.... I can't say that I blame him. He doesn't understand what it's like to get that overwhelmed (thank goodness). Hopefully, by the time he comes back over again (no idea when that will be), the room will be much more progressed (or done) and we can just enjoy the space. If nothing else, I now have a space where I can sit my laptop to work. In fact, at some point this week, I'll be taking my old laptop in there, attaching the external drive and let it sit there and run backups so that I can move things to my new laptop.

That's one of about a billion things that I have to get done this week. I seriously have a to do list that spans an entire sheet of paper and I keep thinking of other things that I need to add to it. So far, I've gone to the post office to pick up a package. That's it. So, I suppose that I ought to wrap up this post so that I can see what's next. At least I won't be able to complain that I'm bored, right?

Now, don't think I forgot...I want to know how all of you are doing. Are you hanging in there still? Struggling? You're not alone. I have my good days and my bad days, but on every day, I'm happy to listen.

Weekly Update: A Day Early...

It's only Sunday, but it turns out that this coming week is going to be a week of put my head down and work, work, work. I didn't want to not post so here I am a day early.

Not much has changed from last week to this. Not surprising, eh? I mean, we're all in the same boat. Honestly, I'm okay with riding this out for the most part. I'd rather be inconvenienced and have some down days than watch those that I love die. I really believe that we're opening too early and bad things are going to happen. I've ordered masks to take the next step in our protection and we're just hanging in there.

Speaking of, Ben and Roger have been here this weekend. Other than the occasional brotherly bickering, it's been really nice. We've tackled a few small projects which has helped. One of them was cleaning out the deep freeze. Ick. It got turned off at some point so it was a bit of a chore to get it cleaned out. I'm still waiting for some of the ice to thaw so that I can wipe it out. Once I've done that, I'll list it on local sales sites to see if anyone is interested. I think that Roger and I can move it out onto the front porch. I'm only going to ask $50 for it so hopefully it sells quickly. It never hurts to have that extra little bit of cash in your pocket. I also have a flute that I'm going to sell for $75. It doesn't take up much space but it really should be being used, not just collecting dust around here.

The living room is finally feeling like a living room. I have to tidy the bookshelves, clear one more space and then attempt to figure out how to store all of the books/comics that I still need to read for reviews. I'm so far behind that there's quite the stack. I also need to mail out some books that people purchased for me and perhaps just list boxes of books on freecycle or local groups. I need to clear out what I know is going. We took 2 bags and a box out to the barn yesterday that will go to Goodwill once they open again. I got tired of looking at them in the house.

For Mother's Day, I've asked the three boys for a workday so that maybe we can tackle the barn. It's full of just stuff. Some can go, but quite a bit just needs to be organized into bins so that we can find things when we need them. It might be tough to coordinate a day where none of them are working, but I'm hopeful that we can finally tackle that project. It's a big one.

So, fingers crossed that things sell and that things can get done. It's so much easier to get through this time when I feel as if I'm being productive. I'm still missing people tons, but that's just going to have to be what it is. It's not worth the risk right now to mingle and there's no way I can travel to see "the man" right now. I'll just have to keep the course with cleaning, my work, and keeping in touch with folks the best I can.

How are all of you doing? Are you hanging in there? Let me know!