Weekly Update: Overwhelmed

 I've spent far too many nights either crying myself to sleep or laying there with my mind running as fast as it can. I think everything just caught up with me. It's not that anything new has happened. It's more that I'm struggling with the changes that are happening. I'm struggling with no more than 4 carb "servings" per meal. It feels overwhelming to check everything that goes into my mouth. Today I went to the store and bought 4 donuts and ate 2 of them. I knew damn well that I shouldn't, but I wanted comfort food. I don't know if I'll eat the other two of them or I'll throw them out. I just know that I did what I did and I can't change it after I did it. 

Next week I start my diabetes education classes and while I want to be excited and ready to take on this challenge, I just don't. It feels like impossible work. I know logically that it isn't. People deal with this every day and they even defeat this. I could if I could get my head on straight, instead of bobbling all over the place. 

I'm taking 5 different medications right now. Three of them are for the diabetes. At least I can say that I'm taking those when I'm supposed to. It may be the only thing that I'm doing right at the moment. Even my two "anti-crazy" pills aren't keeping my brain on track. Oh, I'm sure that it would be worse without them, but I just can't seem to pull it together.

I have moments where I feel like everything is okay and that I can keep going. Then, I remember the diabetes and the potential for cancer. Granted, I know that the cancer is a small, tiny percent of possibility, but it isn't zero and won't be until after the biopsy results come in. Hopefully. I don't know what I'll do if that's truly added on. I suppose just keep going the best that I can. 

I've had the worst nightmares. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and I can't get to those I love before I die. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and we have to do surgery and after that, I'm rejected by my lovers. I know it's all based in fear and not reality, but I can't control where my brain goes when I sleep. Heck, I can barely control where it goes when I'm awake. Next week, this part should have answers at least and I can hopefully move past it and only have the one major medical issue to deal with. 

I stepped away from social media because seeing the posts about getting the vaccine or seeing others was just making it worse for me. It's been a year since I had a really good, long hug. Over a year, really. It's been nearly 18 months since I saw "the man" and even longer than that since I last saw Rob. I don't know when I'll see either of them. I'd drive the five hours to see Rob if I could just have a hug. Even if it meant, turning around and driving back the same day. I miss physical contact beyond belief and that's weighing on me too. I don't have anyone to physically turn to with all this happening. Never take for granted having that. 

I know that it seems counter intuitive to pull back from people just when I need them the most, but unfortunately, finding that I only have them for a few minutes online is hurting in some ways more than it's helping. There are a few that I will talk to if they reach out...Nick, Justin, Rob, Eric...but other than that, unless it's about work, I probably won't respond. I didn't just disappear though. I did a post saying that I was stepping away. Part of me hopes that this break will allow me to tackle some other things, but right now, it's more making lists and curling up on the couch and watching SVU marathons. I guess I need to learn how to be gentle with me and not expect me to be Wonder Woman every single day.

I love you all...please take care of you and each other.

Love,

Weekly Update: Dramatic Week

 Whew...I'm almost glad it's Monday again after last week. I posted that I was a good girl and went and had my annual mammogram. What I didn't expect was to get a call on Tuesday saying that they'd seen something and wanted me to come back in for an additional mammogram on my right breast and an ultrasound on both. Eek! Honestly, this didn't freak me out too much...Okay, it did freak me out some. I can't lie about it...people who dealt with me read this...

I'd never been called back for both before and it worried me. I mean, cancer is a big scary word and I was hearing it a lot in my head. So, Wednesday I went back for the mammogram. It was a tough one. They applied a lot more pressure and had me standing in ways that no normal person ever stands in. After taking more images than my original mammogram, the technician put me back into the private waiting area while she checked to see if more were needed. I waited in there, fussing and fretting for 15 minutes before she came back to tell me that the radiologist wanted more. Oy. When it was finally over, I took about a hundred deep breathes and went to Walmart and bought clearance LEGO...as if I need more, right?

Thursday rolled around and I went in for the ultrasound. The technician and the intern were both really nice and we chatted throughout most of the ultrasound. I guess I became so used to being a "guinea pig/learning tool" while pregnant all those years ago that having a male intern in there was no big deal. It's all medical, right? Anyway, she did very thorough ultrasounds of both breasts and I'm not going to lie. Her silence while she worked on the right one freaked me out. Afterwards? Back to Walmart, this time to buy Dylan's birthday present. 

Then it became a waiting game. On Saturday the results of the mammogram came back and said suspicious and that a biopsy was recommended. That scared the tar out of me. Typical me, I made jokes with the few people I had told. They all knew though. They know me well enough by now. I had nightmares of ...well...not getting to be back with Rob or "the man" ever again or being physically rejected by them if I had to have a masectomy. Crazy stupid I know. 

Yesterday I updated my "if I die" file which is basically like a will and I sent it to Rob and to Justin so they'd have it. By that point, I'd calmed down and realized it was probably all nothing, but I guess I wanted to be prepared anyway.

Today, the results of the ultrasound came in and it basically says there's a whole bunch of cysts happening and they're probably benign. I'm waiting for them to call me to find out what the next step is. It could be the biopsy or it could be come back in six months and we'll look everything over again. Either way, I don't think it's going to be super scary bad news, thank goodness. I kept thinking how will I handle both cancer and diabetes when I'm struggling just to handle the diabetes. It's good that I won't have to. 

...and that was my kinda scary week. I'm so glad it's over so that I can take a long, deep breath and get back to regular life.