I'm back?

 You may have noticed that I haven't been here in a while. Something happened that made me question why it is that I write here. The thing is that I write because ...well, it's a way for me to track my life. But, that doesn't really matter. It's not the reason that I'm here today. Today I want to jot down what's happening with my health.

Last doctor's appointment went well. She's happy with my numbers (which I'll list below) but she'd like me to lose another 20 pounds by August. That doesn't seem like a lot, I guess, but to me it feels like a lot of pressure and when under pressure, I want to eat. Eek. With less than three months, I decided I ought to get going doing something. 

So, today I decided to start walking. I'm not only badly out of shape, but I also have trouble with my right leg. Honestly, I was excited and nervous at the same time. Still, not doing it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I received an email that some stickers that I ordered were ready so I decided my first challenge would be walking to the mailbox. For those who don't know/remember, my mailbox is a good block away and I thought that might be a good starting distance...plus...stickers!

It was tougher than I'd like to admit. My hip started hurting about halfway there, but I kept pushing through. I didn't stop on the way there, but I did stop on the way back to rest for 30 seconds or so and then pushed on. Grand total? 550 steps. 

That number seems so small, but I keep telling myself that we all have to start somewhere. It may be a small victory, but it's my small victory. I'm still trying to decide if I want to walk every day or every other day. It's not worth walking to the mailbox every day but maybe I could work up to walking around the block. One step at a time...literally...

Speaking of numbers, here they are. Please remember that they're from my last doctor's appointment on May 4th.

Weight: 301 (down 20 pounds since November)
A1C: 6.3 (down from 8 and then 6.8)

So, there we go. I did it. I walked. Now, I'm going to work. 

Ch..Ch...Ch...Changes

Another month has flown by and I can't even tell you where it went. February in Michigan has been brutal with things like polar vortexes, icemageddons, and then a bomb cyclone. There was a lot of drama involving me attempting to get a fridge back into my house and a lot of time just being mom.

Now here we are, the last day before the end of the month and life hasn't slowed down even slightly. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at a jazz orchestra rehearsal. My youngest son has been a part of this audition only group for two years so for two years, I've lost about 8 hours each day getting him here and back...as well as the rehearsal time. He loves it and I love sitting in, even if it takes away from other things I could be...and maybe should be doing.

So, here we are and I'm trying to sort through the stuff in my head. Thank goodness I have all of you to talk to about things! It really does help me work through them.

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Nope, let's back up. On Monday, I took myself off to a hotel for an overnight stay. My water heater has decided it doesn't like hot water anymore and with the appointment coming up, I needed a night away and a long, hot shower. Best decision I've made in a while. Thank goodness for tiny tax returns which let me do that. I got to relax and rest up which I badly needed.

Then, yesterday, I went to see a plastic surgeon. If you know me, you know I have huge boobs. You'll also know that I'd rather not, but I'd never have plastic surgery for vanity's sake. They're causing me issues. My collar bone hurts a lot of the time. I never have straight shoulders. I'm always hunched over because of them. Boobs weigh a lot, guys. So, after my doctor asking me about it for over five years, I decided it was time. It took me almost 5 months to get this appointment.

The doctor was super nice, but basically laid it out that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it pre-surgery. If I do the surgery first and then lose the weight, the boobs will sag, and he doesn't think I'd be happy with them. The reality is that they beyond sag now and they're not close to symmetrical. Still, if I'm going to go through all of this, I do want to look down and be happy afterwards.

I left the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I wasn't hurt or upset by anything that he said. He couldn't have been nicer. He told me that if I wanted to go ahead now, he would do the full exam and proceed. He also suggested, that if I wanted, I could come back in six months and we could reevaluate everything. That would give me time to work on losing weight if that's what I wanted to do. If, at that point, I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be yet, we could put it off another three to six months.

I sat and cried because I'm so angry with myself that I've allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where I've gotten to the weight I am. I'm frustrated because I've dug myself into this deep hole between my health, weight, and house. I'm overwhelmed. I look around and don't know quite how to dig myself out. On top of everything, DHS took my projected income form for this year (which they required me to predict and which I am nowhere near making at this point) and cut my food stamps down to less than $300 a month for three of us. Luckily, Ben is off at school and Roger is busy with school and work and music, so isn't at my house all of the time.

Still, I have no idea how to feed even just me in a super healthy way with that amount of money. I'm sure it's not impossible and I'll just have to be incredibly careful about what I do buy. I'll have to tightly meal plan and stick with it.

I want to do this. I know I can do this. I'm also completely overwhelmed. I don't really know where to start. No, that's not true either! I'm full of arguing with myself tonight. I guess here's the tiny baby plan as much as it is:

1. Start logging calories using My Fitness Pal. Not so much trying to keep within what it's saying but logging so I can see where the problems may be.
2. Take the last bit of my tax return and order some glass water bottles for the fridge. I may not have hot water, but I do have water and a filter for the kitchen tap. This will allow me to not have to buy water and save a bit of money there while at the same time having a healthy drink option in the house.
3. Start talking with my tiny Facebook weight loss group about things. Support is super important.
4. Continue taking my medication. Last night I started back on a half dose of my anti-depressant and a full dose of my blood pressure medication.

Hmm...I guess it really is a tiny baby plan. That's all I've got right now.  I have six months to see how far I can get. I'm stuck without much exercise right now because I can't safely get out of the house and walk, but maybe in another month or two I can add that in. I do have a Fitbit, even if the rubber band causes my skin to react. Perhaps for my birthday (in 6 months), I can ask for a leather band for it to help alleviate that problem. If I can make some changes around the house, maybe I can start walking from one side to the other...I figure it'll only take a few hundred trips to make a mile..heh...

For now though, it's one baby step at a time. If anyone knows of some low impact exercises I can do at home that don't require a lot of space, please let me know! I'm still getting over a sprained ankle and what I suspect is a pinched nerve in my elbow, but I'm willing to try new things.

Take care of all of you!

Current Weight: 313.5
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 1

Setbacks Happen...

This is me. Or it would be me if I were curled up on a much nicer couch than mine and I looked that good. Instead, I look dreadful and I'm sitting in a booth at a Denny's. So...that isn't me. The only thing I have in common with her is we both have tissues. Mine is a nice soft tissue. I hope hers is too.

Right. Can you tell that I'm sick? Not even a half page into this post and I'm already rambling. That's probably because I got all of maybe 4 hours of sleep last night and I'm thoroughly exhausted. Oh yeah, and I'm sick. I woke up with it Wednesday morning and it's still going strong.

Crazy sick. It started with a completely unproductive cough and just feeling completely wiped out. I managed to haul myself to Meijer, pick up my depo prescription and some juice, to the doctor's office to get poked, and home...and that's nearly it. I'm a horrible sickie. I just want to be cuddled and loved on and when you live alone most of the time, that's not really an option. This led to me feeling sorry for myself which never helps anyone. By Thursday, I was hacking up a lung and resorted to buying cough medicine.  I honestly don't think it's helped a lick. I was woken up well within the 4 hour dosing period by my coughing and hacking.

So here we are...Saturday...I'm completely exhausted and feel completely dreadful. I want nothing more than to be at home sleeping today away and hopefully getting better. No such luck though. I have to be mom and mom was needed to take Roger and his friend to dive training and then hang around until 5-5:30pm today to pick them back up. There's some moving them around between locations too and I'm supposed to go grocery shopping....someone kill me now or at least shoot me with a tranquilizer dart, please...

Right...focus. I can do this. What does all this boil down to? I haven't done as great this week with keeping track of things and that's okay. I've been trying to get better in between everything. Starting Monday, I'll be back at it. I also think I'm going to add in a couple of things. Up until now, I've been tracking my food but not making myself stay under my calorie limit for the day. Starting Monday, that's the first thing I'm going to add.  The other thing is a bit more personal and falls under the self-care category. I'm going to work on adding regular showers into my schedule. If I can get that on a routine, that will make self-care that much easier.

So there we go...one rambling post that I pray to god makes some amount of sense. If it doesn't, my apologies. I'm lucky to be keeping my eyes open at all at this point. I honestly think I'm going to spend the afternoon attempting to nap in the car. I'm practically drooling on myself between the congestion and the exhaustion...

Weight (via doctor's office scale) 5/17: 302.8 lbs.

Starting Over... Again

I've lost track of how many times I've started and stopped this dang blog and taking care of myself. Honest to goodness. I don't even have a clue now. I swear that I write a post and suddenly nearly a year zips by and here I am again.

Now, here's the part where I tell you this time will be different..yada yada yada.. but the truth is, it may not be. Of course, it may also be. Who knows, right? A lot has changed for me over the past few years and I haven't really told anyone this, but my doctor is really on my case about my weight. I have to go back and see her in about two months and I know that she's going to ask me if I went to the weight loss clinic (which I have no intention of really going to because the want to shove a liquid diet in my face and prepare me for surgery). The reality is that I know I can do this on my own. I don't need a liquid diet or fancy surgeries. I need to deal with the core of my issues, why I eat and why I eat what I eat.

I need to take care of me and this is the area that keeps coming to mind. You see, every year, on my birthday, I choose a goal to work on for the following year. I've done mental health, physical health (namely the issues with my sinuses) and other things. There is only one real criteria. They have to be specifically for me. They're not allowed to be about anyone else, not even the boys. This year, I've been going round and round with two things and my weight is one of them. The other is my dental health. I have terrible teeth. I always have and on top of that, as part of my omg I'm overwhelmed by life thing, I got out of the habit of taking care of them.

So, this year, I've decided to be a bit of an overachiever, and yet, they all tie into each other. Here's the other thing..other than here and at Life With Katie, I don't really intend on posting about this or even talking about it. I'm doing this for me and any posts about it will be done for me. That probably sounds more selfish than I usually am or perhaps as if I don't feel as if I need support. I can't really comment on the first one other than to say well yes...but that's the point of this. To "selfishly" do something for me. As for the second point? Well, here's the thing..writing tons of posts here is great and I will always welcome and appreciate any comments, but I am truly blessed right now with some great people in my life and I know that if I need them, I can turn to them.

Now...I've mentioned multiple goals and I'm going to lay them out here, even though only one is really specific to this blog...

1. Weight Loss - I currently weigh in at approximately 310 pounds. I'm not going to put a number goal on an entire year, but I'd like to get down to where I have more energy and I'm generally healthier again.

2. Dental Health - Taking better daily care of my teeth and then getting myself to the dentist for help with the rest, even if I am terrified and I know it's not going to be pretty.

3. Taking Better Care of Me - This is #1 and #2 combined as well as little things like finding a way to get a hair cut when I need one, taking time to relax with a game or a book or whatever fits my fancy, and who knows, maybe even bringing back Time for Me Thursday for the other site. I just need to take better care of me...This also includes continuing to work on my over thinking/over worrying/over stressing issues.

4. Creating a Home - Last but just as important as the others is the continued work on my house. In the past month, I've hauled out a ton of trash and almost as much to donate to Goodwill. I want to continue on that path until I have a home that I'm proud of and don't mind inviting people over to. I want to get it to the point where if Phil comes around, we don't have to go to a hotel unless that's what we want to do. I want the boys and I to be able to both use and relax in the space.

There we go. My four goals for the coming year. Technically my birthday isn't until September 23rd, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason to wait. Instead, I'm starting with this post. Pretty soon I'll write up one for the other site, but for now, this is going to be our little secret...me and anyone who may wander across this post.

For tonight, I'm starting with all of the goals in a really simple manner. I'm going to go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and while I'm in there, I'm going to clean the mirror. If I do some little thing every time I walk in there, the room will be looking fantastic in no time and it will make me smile to walk in there. Smiling when I walk in there will lead to a more relaxed, happier me. Sometimes everything feeds into some other thing.

Dear Tony...

Dear Tony,

You don't really know me. We've only spoken once or twice. You're probably not even sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I'm writing it because I think you understand. You get it and because you get it, I feel as if I can open up and share things with you that others won't understand.

Tony, I weigh 310 pounds. I wasn't always this way. When I was a child, I was the one that everyone said would never gain weight. I would always be skinny. Then, I started to gain weight. By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 180 pounds. I was made fun of because of that and because most times I had to wear the same pair of jeans more than one day a week to school. My family didn't have a lot of money and I was being raised by my grandparents who had grown up during the depression. I never told anyone about the anonymous notes left in my locker or even in my mailbox at home. I was never athletic, I didn't snack but I didn't turn down second helpings either.

When I went to college, I developed an eating disorder. I barely ate. I don't believe that I did it for looks. I did it because it was tied in with the mental health issues that I wouldn't have an official diagnosis for until I was 37 and said enough is enough. I didn't mind not eating though because soon, my clothes fit better and I believed the lies that my mind told me that skinnier was healthier. Before I went home after my freshman year, I was down from a size 16 to a size 12 and I loved how I looked. I mourned the weight that went back on because at home, I couldn't not eat.

By the time I dropped out of college halfway through the next year, I'd lost all that weight again. I'd also ended up in the emergency room for what was later ruled nothing more than a stress attack. Fast forward a year and now I'm 20...I skipped periods, gained massive amounts of weight (I went up 3 to 4 clothing sizes over a few months) and had other issues. My doctor sent me to an ob/gyn who took one look at me and said you're obese, this is why this has happened. She never listened to a word that I said. It wouldn't be until I was 38 that I would be diagnosed with PCOS.

Three pregnancies (the first leading to a miscarriage at 17 weeks), a divorce and what feels like a lifetime later, here I am at 310 pounds. I always swore I'd never break that 300 barrier, but I have and I'm scared. I know that I need help but I really and truly cannot afford it. You see, my oldest son has cerebral palsy and I've been diagnosed as Bipolar 2. Both of those have prevented me from finding a job outside of the house. I do some editing when jobs come up, but let's just say money is tight and there is no wiggle room. I don't go to Starbucks or order pizza. I drive a car that's older than my oldest and he's 14, nearly 15.

However, for the first time, I'm not using these as excuses. Yes, I get food stamps. No, it's not really enough to feed our family, but I do my best to find sales and I'm making changes to healthier options. Last night, I made a weight watchers recipe for tortellini and it called for adding a bag of frozen stir fry veggies to it. I'd never even thought of that as an option! It was delicious and I felt good that what I was making was healthier than pizza rolls or some other processed food option. I can't afford a gym membership, but I can walk around my village. (Yes, villages do still exist.) It will get cold soon, and I expect I'll have to switch to workout videos, but I have some and I have a way to play them. Some people don't have that.

I am also blessed that I have friends who have done this, who are doing this, or who are just plain awesome so that on the days when I'm struggling and feeling like this is impossible (which my doctor pretty much told me that it was and that I should consider surgery), I can reach out and they'll either encourage me, kick me in the butt or do both. I'm making small changes that will last a lifetime. I can do this. I won't have my children left without a mother or my future grandchildren left  without a grandmother to spoil them and love them. I won't be the person whose early death is being mourned, like someone else I know who recently died due to obesity. He was only 30.

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this...and I want to say thank you. Thank you for your posts about yourself. Thank you for being a cheerleader in the fight against obesity. Thank you for helping people get past excuse hell to what the hell was I waiting for. Thank you for being you.

Starting Over - It's All Part of a New Me

Today is the start of a brand new journey...or another chapter in my ongoing journey. Really every day is a new page, every year a new chapter...

Today though, I start over. I've spent the past 9 months taking care of me in other ways. I got brave and I went to the doctor and told her to "give me the works." My pap and breast exam came back clean. My cholesterol was high so I was put on meds for it. She sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist who determined that I need sinus surgery and my tonsils out. I'll be calling tomorrow to schedule that because one way or another, even if I have to beg someone from Canada to take me and then put up with me for a few days, I will get it done. I'm tired of waiting. She asked me about breast reduction, which is something that I will most likely also be pursuing. The one thing that she didn't badger me about was my weight. Yes, it was commented on but there were more important issues...like my mental health ones. Since then, I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and Bipolar II disorder. I'm on a low level anti-depressant to help.

All of this allowed me to start regaining control in other areas of my life. Slowly, but surely, I have tackled rooms in my home and created functional spaces that we all appreciate. I'm not quite at the halfway point, but I'm still moving forward. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my children...one who can shut off the voices that demand that there are a million things to be done and allow her to sit down and play video games or even make plans for the future with her children. My house is cleaner, my van is 2/3 of the way clean (the cold and snow got me before I could finish the center section) for the first time in years, my barn has even come a long way. I planted things this year and delighted in watching them grow and caring for them. I've watched my boys bloom in ways that as a mother delight me and scare me all at once (after all, they are both teenagers now). I've come a long way.

Now, it's time to take back control of my weight. I just spent a week with one of my closest friends on the planet. I've watched from a distance as he's dropped the weight. It wasn't so long ago (not even 2 years), that I stood in his house and listened to him go on about how amazing I looked because of the weight I had dropped and how wonderful we were both doing. I didn't hear that this time. I heard how amazing his weight loss journey was and is...and trust me, I don't resent that even one tiny bit...it really is amazing how he's done and I am so, so proud of him. However, I didn't hear him tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful or look great. Even when I wore special things for him, he didn't even notice.

I should clarify that the reality is that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with my weight but it hit home with me. Just like it hit home to hear it stated that there were doubts that I could climb stairs or even walk any amount of distance. I'm so isolated from the world here that I had forgotten what it felt like to have assumptions made about me due to my weight. It hurt. It wasn't meant to. It was a comparison in his journey from where he was to where he is..and a warning to me that it might be difficult. Still, it was a harsh reminder of how far things have come with me...

and the truth is...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being seen as less than I am because of what I weigh. I'm sick of not being seen as sexy, but only as intellectual. I'm proud of my brain, but damn it, a compliment now and then or being told I'm sexy certainly wouldn't hurt. I'm sick of my own excuses. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of it all...and more than a little angry. I'm angry at myself and in this journey, I've found that when I get angry, I make changes. There's nothing wrong with a good healthy anger so long as it's pointed in the right direction.

So tonight, I let it point me in the direction of the scale. No matter what number it said, I wasn't and I'm not beating myself up over it. It's a number. It's a starting point and it will change. The next time Rob sees me, he's going to see less of me. He's going to see less of me and maybe he won't notice, but I'll know and at the end of the day, it's my health and my life...

It's time to make some changes and tonight, I start with the first round. In no particular order, the following are happening:

• I'll be weighing in each Monday morning to track my progress.
• The last of the soda has been drank (the boys and I had the last of it for root beer floats earlier today) and I won't be buying any more.
• Each morning I'll be filling my water bottle and each week, increasing the amount that I drink each day...starting with just one bottle and building my way up.
• I've moved my medication to my bedside table so I have no excuse not to take it if I forget before coming up for the night. 
• I'll be reaching out to friends who have lost quite a bit of weight for advice and recipes.
• Starting next week, I'll be meal planning again to help get my eating habits back under control.
• I have an idea for some exercise but it's still in the planning stages and I'm not quite ready to reveal what it is.

Not huge steps, but ones that keep me on the right path and that get me going again. I don't expect to drop 150 pounds overnight, but I do expect to drop it. I can do this. If there are those along the road who will help support me and encourage me, it would mean the world, but even if I'm in this alone, I know I can still do this.

I Need to Believe

I'm going to start this post out by asking for forgiveness. I know that you might find that strange, but I feel like I have so many things that I want to talk about and my brain is jumping from one to the other and back again so I cannot promise that this posting will be entirely smooth flowing.

Let's start out with the negative. It's always best to clear that out of the head so that you can move on. So, here's my negative...I feel like I'm losing a competition that in all reality doesn't even exist. I am a part of this amazing group of women and I see what they're doing and a part of my brain keeps saying, 'You're so far behind. Look what they're doing. They're meal planning and you're way back on just trying to be hydrated. There's no way you can be as awesome as they are.' Wow, huh? The things that we do to ourselves sometimes are so far worse than what anyone else can do.  None of these amazing women have ever made me feel less because I'm barely at the starting line. This is all entirely in my head and yeesh, it needs to go.

In other negativity news, I've just been a whirling bundle of emotions the latter half of this week. I can't really get into the details but trust me when I say that it's the kind of thing that can just sink a person. I desperately need to talk to a certain someone but as always, finding a time that works for both of us is proving difficult. I'm working hard on taking a deep breath and just continuing to move with life until that can happen. Being so emotional had totally led me to the path of emotional eating which completely and totally sucks. I need to not be sabotaging myself like that. It just turns into a hugely negative cycle and yeah...

Now, let's look at the positives..Did I mention that I'm a part of this amazing group of women? Watching them grow and learning from them is such a blessing in my life. I know that I'm not where they are, but they love me anyway and love, acceptance and support are so important. Who knew when I started my weight loss journey that I would get to know and love such amazing women from all over? Someone must have because we've all come together and it could only be because we're meant to be.

Warning...brain jump ahead...

I don't have a number for this post. I know that I said I would, but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment because I had a sick kiddo. It's now scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. As much as I hate to weigh myself outside, I think I've decided to put my scale by my front porch and weigh myself on the front deck. It's probably not totally level, but it's also probably going to be more accurate than anywhere in the house. I have an end goal number in mind and I need the accountability of the scale. It won't be a daily weigh in, but a weekly one.

I also haven't quite figured out the whole working out thing yet. Now that the boys are back in school, I won't be going to anymore wrestling practices so that rules out walking the hallways. The bonus is that the new season of Biggest Loser just started. While I don't always agree with how they do it or anything like that, watching people shed the pounds is motivational to me. Two seasons ago, before everything fell apart, I started walking during the show. I think that I'm going to start doing that again. Any physical activity is better than no activity.

Speaking of bits of activity, I've also started bathroom push ups again. I know what you're thinking..what the heck is she talking about? Back when I was very serious about losing weight and was actually dropping pounds, I used to do push ups in my bathroom every time I went in to use it. I would close the door and do as many wall push ups as my arms could stand. I'm happy to say that since I'm drinking more water again, I've done 45 push ups tonight. Yes, they're against the wall but who cares? My arms are feeling it and that means the muscles are working. Working muscles are good muscles.

And...I guess that's my very disjointed check in. I'm struggling but I'm still moving. I just need to tell myself and to believe that I can do this. I can drop the 138 pounds that I want to drop. I have to believe in me and right now, that's my biggest struggle. My head is saying no, you can't..well brain, actions speak louder than words and one tiny step at a time, I will do this. I can do this.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  -----
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
New Weight: -----
Workouts: Wall Push Ups
Average Daily Water Intake: 60 oz (Yep, I did it!)

Happy End of the Year!

New Year coming, new ideas and new actions.  Over the past couple months, I haven't been taking care of myself the way I should be.  I have gained weight, and my blood sugar has been up.  So what are we going to do about all this?  Or better yet, what am I going to do about this?  Well, I am going to make one minor change ... and that is to move my weekly updates from Friday to Saturday.  There is no real health or weight loss reason for that, it is just for my personal convenience.
Secondly, I am going to start a food diary again.  I did this back when I was first diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, and I really need to do it again to get both my weight and my blood sugar under control.
Thirdly, I am going to have to change what I eat. I have bought some apples and oranges for snacks.  I will be buying more fresh fruits and veggies, too. Once a week, I used to eat a meal of rice and veggies for dinner, and I am going to start that back up too.  I am also going to give brown rice a try again.  I didn't like it the first few times I tried it, but I am going to give it a shot again.

Today's weigh-in, 279.8.
Morning Blood Sugar, 146

Luck and health to all of us in the coming year.

Mamavation Monday - scary pictures!

Ok, these are some scary pictures. I feel like I worked my butt off on the 2 week challenge, but this a set of kind of underwhelming results. It just means I'm setting myself up for some great results in MILI! I'm having trouble getting my digital scale to behave. These are off a mechanical scale, but I'm going to get a working digital one tomorrow and append a weight photo. I'm excited to get started with MILI. I know we're going to kick butt on it and I can't wait to get started!


BEFORE
Weight:365.6

Chest: 59

Waist: 58.5

Hips: 51.5

Thighs: 27" (left) and 27" (right)

After 2 weeks challenge and start of MILI
Weight: 362.6

Chest: 59

Waist: 56.5

Hips: 51

Arms: 15" (left) and 17.5" (right)

Thighs: 25" (left) and 25" (right)

So a grand total of 3 pounds and 6 inches. And tomorrow we start another exciting journey on the road to great health. Everyone kick butt!

Edited the weights. Clearly I was right not to trust the mechanical scale. Bah. This is my starting point and from here, it's up to me.

It's Almost Like Visiting an Old Friend ...

Yo-Yo (slang): Fool or idiot.
Yo-Yo (noun): A child's toy that goes up and down on a string.

And if I ever find the dang string attached to the number 281, I will find the biggest scissors I can and cut it!

For the past year, I have been yo-yoing between 281 and 271.  I am back at the top of the string again, and I am NOT happy.  For the past month, I have been out of my routine, and I am finally settling back in to a routine.  School has started back up again, and that helps immeasurably.

I could focus on what went wrong, or how I feel about it, but instead, I am going to focus on routines.  the routines will all be based around being in school again, obviously.  My lunch period is kind of late (1:45-2:45pm), so I think that part of my routine will have to be a set time for a healthy snack in-between classes.  Actually, since my morning free period is second period (about 10:05-11:05am), maybe I will eat right near the end of my free period.  After all, in my schooldays routine, I eat breakfast around 6:30am, which puts that free period about four hours later, and maybe I can keep a few granola bars around for my lunch period later in the afternoon.

Now I have to think about a few other things to work out in my routine and then I can hope to watch the pounds melt off. First things, first, back to work, then on with life and weight loss.

Oh, by the way, I feel like a fool for the way my weight has gotten out of control.

My Intro to the Blog

Hi all, my name is Deanne and I am an online friend of Katie's. We "met" through blogging and I am excited to share with her in this venture in weight loss. Katie and I both have similar goals in mind - to lose weight, to build muscle and to overall get healthy. Isn't that right, Katie? :)

For starters, I will say that my biggest challenges to overcome to help with the weight loss and having a healthier lifestyle are time (for instance this past week, I have been working 10 hour days and have a roundtrip commute to work and back of 6 hours. So 16 hours driving/working...add in an extra 8 for sleep and you have a good idea of my life at the moment!) But to be honest, most times, I don't get nearly as much sleep as I should. And I work nights, so that throws my rhythm (and more importantly my metabolism) off as well. I also have discovered through past weight loss programs that I don't consume nearly enough calories each day. It doesn't make sense. I'm way overweight (bmi is 41 for crying out loud!) and yet, I don't eat nearly as much as I should. I mean, I understand it in my brain - a person's body needs to have the food to boost the metabolism, but I just don't get hungry very much. Plus there are so many conflicting pieces of advice out there. Eat to boost your metabolism vs. Only eat when you feel hungry. I am not sure which one I am supposed to do! So hard and frustrating!

And for a little bit more about me - I am a CNA. I actually get a pretty great workout at work. I lift and turn people. I do sprints (think - I'm on one side of the facility and a resident's alarm goes off on the other side of the facility, I have to get there FAST!) I am also a wife and a mother. My husband loves to cook (for which I am incredibly grateful but we are working on revamping our meals as well to contain more healthy options). My children include a 10 year old boy Natty, 7 year old boy JoNo, 4 year old girl Punky Pie, and a 3 year old boy Boo.

Natty is overweight as well and we are trying to instill the idea of living a healthy lifestyle in him. He is incredibly active but eats constantly. (Too bad he and I can't just "even" each other out!) JoNo, Punky and Boo are all within their recommended weight ranges and I'd like for them to stay there too.

I plan to start with some baby steps as well. My baby steps for this next week are to drink 64 oz. of water every day and for every ounce of other fluid I have, I plan to also have twice as much water as well. (So - for instance - 64 oz. of water per day and then I drink a 12 ounce soda so I would need to have at least an extra 24 ounces of water that day.) I hope that makes sense. I also hope that it would inspire me to not drink things that are not good for me, because soda is my one big downfall. I don't know how much better it is, but I have started drinking non-caffeinated soda for the most part of my soda consumption.

And at least once this next week (by Monday) I want to do my Jillian Michael's 30-day shred workout video. I bought the video after seeing on the Exercise channel and I got a set of hand weights to go with it. They recommend 3 pound weights and I think I got the 2 pound ones. Or maybe I did get the 3 pounders... I can't quite recall. But regardless, I have weights and I have a video. And now, I have a plan (in writing and shared on here!) to get at least one workout in.

So those are the goals. Drink 64 oz. of water per day, cut out unhealthy fluids (or "make up" for them) and then do the workout video at least once. Oh - and I will need to get you all a starting weight too - let me run down and weigh myself...240.3 pounds. Whew! I am a bit uncertain if that is an accurate weight though. I plan to get a better scale later on today maybe. But I will let you know if the scale that I am using changes.

Oh - and thank you, Katie, for allowing me to post on here with you. We shall be each other's champions!

A New Beginning

Not only is this a brand new blog, but it's a new start for me. A start on a journey that honestly flat out terrifies me. I've started and stopped trying to lose weight more times than I can count. Will this time be different? I honestly don't know, but I hope so. I'm hoping that having this place to come to will help me keep going down this path. It's a path that I know I need to take. I currently weigh 285 pounds and that's terrifying. I know that things need to change and I pray that my friends here will hold me up and keep me going. I pray that they will share what they're learning as they do Weight Watchers. I can't afford to join a group so I've created this group. Please, let this group help me.

Since I know that my water intake is always low, I'm going to start there. I'm going to allow myself one glass of juice a day and work hard on getting in 4 bottles (I have a nice water bottle) of water a day. Anything I drink past that will be a bonus. Once drinking the water becomes routine, I'm going to work on another problem area. There are plenty of problem areas to work on.