Sunday, January 6, 2013

I Need to Believe

I'm going to start this post out by asking for forgiveness. I know that you might find that strange, but I feel like I have so many things that I want to talk about and my brain is jumping from one to the other and back again so I cannot promise that this posting will be entirely smooth flowing.

Let's start out with the negative. It's always best to clear that out of the head so that you can move on. So, here's my negative...I feel like I'm losing a competition that in all reality doesn't even exist. I am a part of this amazing group of women and I see what they're doing and a part of my brain keeps saying, 'You're so far behind. Look what they're doing. They're meal planning and you're way back on just trying to be hydrated. There's no way you can be as awesome as they are.' Wow, huh? The things that we do to ourselves sometimes are so far worse than what anyone else can do.  None of these amazing women have ever made me feel less because I'm barely at the starting line. This is all entirely in my head and yeesh, it needs to go.

In other negativity news, I've just been a whirling bundle of emotions the latter half of this week. I can't really get into the details but trust me when I say that it's the kind of thing that can just sink a person. I desperately need to talk to a certain someone but as always, finding a time that works for both of us is proving difficult. I'm working hard on taking a deep breath and just continuing to move with life until that can happen. Being so emotional had totally led me to the path of emotional eating which completely and totally sucks. I need to not be sabotaging myself like that. It just turns into a hugely negative cycle and yeah...

Now, let's look at the positives..Did I mention that I'm a part of this amazing group of women? Watching them grow and learning from them is such a blessing in my life. I know that I'm not where they are, but they love me anyway and love, acceptance and support are so important. Who knew when I started my weight loss journey that I would get to know and love such amazing women from all over? Someone must have because we've all come together and it could only be because we're meant to be.

Warning...brain jump ahead...

I don't have a number for this post. I know that I said I would, but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment because I had a sick kiddo. It's now scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. As much as I hate to weigh myself outside, I think I've decided to put my scale by my front porch and weigh myself on the front deck. It's probably not totally level, but it's also probably going to be more accurate than anywhere in the house. I have an end goal number in mind and I need the accountability of the scale. It won't be a daily weigh in, but a weekly one.

I also haven't quite figured out the whole working out thing yet. Now that the boys are back in school, I won't be going to anymore wrestling practices so that rules out walking the hallways. The bonus is that the new season of Biggest Loser just started. While I don't always agree with how they do it or anything like that, watching people shed the pounds is motivational to me. Two seasons ago, before everything fell apart, I started walking during the show. I think that I'm going to start doing that again. Any physical activity is better than no activity.

Speaking of bits of activity, I've also started bathroom push ups again. I know what you're thinking..what the heck is she talking about? Back when I was very serious about losing weight and was actually dropping pounds, I used to do push ups in my bathroom every time I went in to use it. I would close the door and do as many wall push ups as my arms could stand. I'm happy to say that since I'm drinking more water again, I've done 45 push ups tonight. Yes, they're against the wall but who cares? My arms are feeling it and that means the muscles are working. Working muscles are good muscles.

And...I guess that's my very disjointed check in. I'm struggling but I'm still moving. I just need to tell myself and to believe that I can do this. I can drop the 138 pounds that I want to drop. I have to believe in me and right now, that's my biggest struggle. My head is saying no, you can't..well brain, actions speak louder than words and one tiny step at a time, I will do this. I can do this.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  -----
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
New Weight: -----
Workouts: Wall Push Ups
Average Daily Water Intake: 60 oz (Yep, I did it!)


2 comments:

@AndreaEmilien

Love, you are NOT behind. Baby steps is exactly what you should be doing. And if getting in all of your water is where you are going to start your journey - then that is perfect! My journey can't be yours.....and yours can't be mine. You are completely loved by so many people. If you could give yourself 1% of the love and encouragement you give me - you'd be on your way.

78ABC

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