Little Victories = Big Anxiety

They say that the smallest victories can lead to the biggest results or that success is just a series of small victories. That maybe true, but for me, right now, my series of small successes/victories has led to some seriously high anxiety. 

Let me tell you about my week...

On March 28th, I signed my first ever comic contract. It was for a book that I've already done two issues on, but to be asked to sign a contract to make it official an all of that felt like a really big deal and it made me feel good that the creator really appreciates the work that I do for him.

On April 2nd, I spent all day, literally, creating a resume and cover letter and then sending them off for a job that could be a good thing for me. I haven't had a job outside of the house in twenty years and my hands were shaking as I sent the email. The idea of working outside of the house is scary for me. The outside world can be scary for me, but I did it anyway. I pushed past the anxiety at least to a point where I could send it.

Today, I went to the dentist and made it through an appointment without being given nitrous. Again, to most people, not a huge deal, but I get horrible anxiety for a lot of medical things. At my surgery consult last month, I actually caught myself disassociating while he was speaking to me. Today, I got through the appointment. I was lightheaded when I sat up from the anxiety, but I got through it.

Last week, I came up with this idea for an anthology and people really seemed to like it, including someone who is so good at putting together anthologies and who is a talented creative in his own right. Honestly, I was in shock. I guess I don't put a lot of value on my "silly ideas".  I'm slowly getting better at finding the value in what I do as a proofreader and even as a writer, but I still very much question a lot of me. Anyway, I approached this person about partnering with me on the project and to my surprise (and insane level of excitement), he was willing and seemed eager. Fast forward to today when I signed a contract with him to go ahead and start planning the project. That's when reality slapped me hard in the face. I can't finance a project like this. Heck, I'm currently living without a stove/oven in my house because I can't afford to replace them. We won't talk about how I have no hot water because I haven't been able to dig out of the chaos my mental state has left me in.

Anyway, I had to be up front with him about that. I mean, partnerships are built on honest communication, right? I had to have faith that it would be okay...and it is, really. I have to keep telling myself that over and over again. It's okay. It will get made. So it has to be put off for an indefinite amount of time because he's awesome and amazing and has two years worth of launches to get through, but he will come back to you. He won't forget about this project or you. Just because something is a huge step for you doesn't mean that it is to everyone.

It's not his fault. He's being real with me. He doesn't pull punches and that's not always easy for me, but he's not being mean or hurtful. It just is what it is. It's tough though.

All of this has left me wound tighter than....umm...something creative that gets wound up...It's hard not to take that leftover anxious energy and spiral down into some deep, dark place. Like I can hear that voice in my head telling me that because I'm such a fuck up, I don't have any money and I'm going to be stuck in this place forever...this place where I can't get a foothold to get out, where I'm going to die without anyone knowing who I am, where I will forever be this worthless thing that ruins lives and who never should have been born.  This place that says all of my victories of the past week mean nothing.

I referred to it earlier as the voices of family past and that's what it is. It's my mother's voice. It's the neglect of my father. It's the voice of the man who raped me. It's the voice of every single person who has ever abused or neglected me. Sometimes small victories lead to big anxiety and that's where I am tonight. It's nobody's fault and I have one of the best cheerleaders on the planet telling me that he's proud of me and he just wants me to be proud of me too. I've made big steps for me and it doesn't matter if those were easy steps for anyone else, they're big for me. I really have gotten lucky and have some great people who support me, who don't berate me when I'm feeling like this, but remind me that they think I'm awesome and capable of awesome things.

So...before I leave you all tonight, I want to update a section that I put on this blog a month or so ago...

Current Weight: 306 (-7.5)
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 34

So Many Things

So Many Things

Get ready for a very real post. Not to say that any of my posts are fake but this one is pure free writing and there's a chance more could come out then I'm planning. I guess we'll find out together!

A couple of months ago, I wrote about how things had to change for me and for my weight. Tonight, I ate oreos for dinner. Not an entire row or anything, but enough. Why? A combination of reasons:

1. I don't have any money to go and buy groceries before at least Wednesday. That leaves me with whatever is on hand and the two bag meals that are in my freezer to eat.
2. I'm overwhelmed and the thought of attempting to put together anything that isn't an open and eat it package has me hiding.

Why am I so overwhelmed? Let me count the ways....So Many Things...

My house is at hoarder status and I have a furnace that doesn't work. While we don't need it yet, we will soon and due to the condition of the house, I cannot let the landlord know so they can get someone out to fix it. 

In an attempt to help with this, I spent 5 hours tackling a major portion of our living room the other day. Since then, I've been coughing up a storm. I can only assume that I inhaled way too much dust. I pretty much have to wait it out, but it's holding me up from getting down on the floor to tackle the next section. It also makes it hard to sleep which leads me to...

I haven't slept well in about 3.5 weeks because late on August 21st, I got a phone call that my youngest son had been in a car accident. He walked away with just bumps and bruises after his suv rolled, but seeing the accident scene and knowing how easily I could have lost him has been a serious ptsd trigger for me. I have trouble getting to sleep before the early hours of the morning and then my body just wants to sleep all day to make up for it. It's slowly improving but it's led to the fact that...

I'm falling further and further behind on things. I currently have 7 books waiting for proofreading and I'm about 3-6 months behind on the last book on The Tether Saga. The only bonus, if you want to consider it that, is that the co-author of the first two books and the man that owns all of the rights to this series hasn't spoken to me in about six weeks. In fact, I'm fairly certain that he has me muted on FB messenger which is where he wants to communicate. This has added another level of stress to things as it makes me feel as if everything is up in the air regarding that.

Also, since I haven't made any money off of any of the three Tether books that I've already worked on/written, money is a bit of an issue. Well, let's face it, money has always been an issue. I gave up on the idea of working outside of the house due to my own health issues (mental and other) as well as my boys needing me to be available. We get by due to the generosity of a friend who helps me cover things...but suddenly there are more things than usual and it's freaking me out. My current list of things I need money for?

• Photos of the boys from the photographer who shoots sporting events at the school. He has amazing shots of them and due to their dad no longer doing school photos, I really want these to help record all of the awesome things they've worked so hard at for the past 4 years. (Cost for all of them? About $100)
• Bills (duh, right?)
• Cover for my Kindle that the boys went together to buy me before the screen gets ruined.
• Trash bags...a lot of trash bags...
• Roger's orchestra fees ...they more than doubled this year and this is a program that he needs to be in. (Cost including all the gas to get him there and back? $1000)

There are other things, like NaNo coming up with classes next month. The classes and then write ins are free, but they're 45 minutes away and at a restaurant...so gas and food. If I dwell on this, I can think of more things...but let's move on...

To what, you ask? Well, that's the problem. I'm so overwhelmed and I'm so frustrated that I'm overwhelmed. I feel as if all I ever do here is write about negative things. I don't think I'm a negative person, but you'd never guess that here, would you? I feel like I need to apologize to all of you for not being this uplifting beacon of hope. I wish that I were, but right now, it feels as if the universe is squashing me.  

When I decided to start tackling my weight issues, things seemed so much more even keel. Then, I decided to face my fears and start tackling my dental issues. Now, I'm sinking but still trying to be all brave with things. I have yet another dental appointment tomorrow morning. This is my 4th in less than 2 months. It sucks but I'm more afraid that if I don't go, I'll never get those problems fixed. As for the rest of it? I just don't know...

I've spent hours trying to figure out a way to make everything better, to make it easier. I've thought about walking away from social media and blogging until I get things under control, but it gets mighty lonely living in the boondocks without any friends. So, I threw that idea out. What I really need to do is clear my plate, but that's tough when some things just need to all be done at once. I can't not do the dental stuff, I can't not work on the house, I can't not get the proofreading done...Those all have to be done right now. I've considered taking a week at a time to dedicate to each of these things..well, not the dental work. Can you imagine going to the dentist every day for a week? That'll cause nightmares...

My current thought? 

Daily "themes"....

Monday - Site work...this has been this way for a few years and I need to keep this routine.

Tuesday - Proofreading before I have to drive the youngest 90 minutes for his sax lesson.

Wednesday - House, focusing first on the living room, then the bathroom, kitchen, laundry room, and studio.

Thursday - Proofreading

Friday - Combination day of light house/football/review work

Saturday - Day of rest (plus things like marching band competitions for the next month)

Sunday - Planning for coming week

Do you notice what isn't anywhere on this schedule? Writing. For the time being, the book has to be on the back burner. I'm not happy about this, but if I want to get through the rest, I don't have much of a choice. If any of you here are fans of the series, I pray that you can be patient. I promise that I will get back to it as soon as possible. The latest? November for NaNo. I'm not starting something new until this is totally finished. 

I suppose the real question is...will this work? The answer? I have no idea. All I can do is try. I can keep trying to be in bed trying to sleep by 2 am and work that back. I can keep sitting and just breathing when it would be easier to have a meltdown. I can appreciate every single moment that I have with both of my boys and not feel guilty when I put everything else to the side to watch tv with them. I can help my youngest make final decisions as to what colleges he's about to apply to. I can do my best to just keep going. 

It may be one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one breath at a time...but I'm going to do my best to just keep going. Somehow, I will handle so many things.

Sick of Being Sick

 I've lost track of how much I've said this lately.

I know that I told y'all that I was going to get my act together and start posting weight updates weekly here. I have totally failed at that and I feel an incredible amount of guilt for letting not just you, but me down too. The problem is that my body is letting me down right, left, and center.

Where to start? I know that I posted about going to the dentist last month. The end of June? Anyway, on July 6th, I went and had my first two extractions done. Thanks to the nitrous, I survived. After, I had to go to Walmart.  Why? Because due to laws, they can't give you pain med prescriptions in advance. I'll let you imagine how pleasant of an experience it was to sit there for an hour, starting to drool blood, and waiting for this prescription. Knowing that people were judging me either for how I looked or for the reason why once I explained it to them. I know it shouldn't matter, but when you're already drained emotionally from the process that got you there, it's hard.

The recovery wasn't tragic, but I certainly didn't feel good. Then, just when I was starting to eat real food again and my stomach was starting to recover from the minimal food/motrin combination, I developed another infection. They don't want to bother with an antibiotic, they just want to move up the date to extract the rest of my bad teeth. So, I've been sick with that for over a week now. Low grade fevers, things not tasting good, upset stomach...and the only way to clear it up is to put myself through what I just got out of...which means another week's setback.

I keep telling myself that it will be worth it once it's done, but it's so frustrating. I just want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be able to get things done. I keep falling further and further behind. Even the absolutely must dos are only getting done barely.

As if that wasn't enough, there's been some problems that involve my ex and his wife so I can't talk about them here. It's too public. Let's just say that it's spiked my stress levels insanely high over the past couple of weeks.  The combination of all of this plus a lot of little things had me run, not walk, away from social media. I just couldn't handle people. It's been a week and I'm barely sticking my toes back into that pond.

....and I just caught sight of the time. I have to go to my mammogram and get that done. This being a responsible adult thing is bullshit. I'll be back in a couple of hours to finish writing this...which you won't even realize the break except that I just wrote it...lol! ....

....and I'm back! I was squished and squashed and made to hold my breath, but I guess it's okay because she gave me a single square of chocolate afterwards. I'd have rather had a sticker.

So, I've been off of social media for about a week now and while I miss people, I find that I have a very low tolerance for them. As I told someone...For those familiar with the spoon theory, I'm out of every utensil in the drawer and I'm stabbing at things with a stick that is vaguely shaped like a chopstick. It is getting better in some ways and very much not in others.

A reminder for us all.

Mostly, I'm finding myself missing certain people. The problem is that these people aren't accessible to me and they're what I've dubbed my safe places. They're people that I can just be with. Having them no longer accessible to me makes things worse in some ways. It's harder to handle everything on your own sometimes.

But,that's just what I have to do and what I'm trying to do. For this week that means making sure I have a proper shopping list to prepare for not being able to eat real food this weekend as well as my oldest being here and him needing to eat real food. It means getting myself to all of my medical appointments this week. It also means making sure that I'm where the boys need me to be. It may be a week of baby step after baby step but if that's all I can do, that's all I can.

For now I'm going to curl up with a book for a while (I'm behind on reviews) and hopefully lose myself in its pages before I start on that shopping list...

Dental Health Matters

Why Dental Health Matters

I'm pretty sure that I've talked about my anxiety issues here, but if I haven't, I have some anxiety issues. These stem a lot from my PTSD...yesterday, I realized just how bad it's affecting me.

Due to a variety of reasons, I haven't seen a dentist for any real dental care in approximately 17 years. Over the past half a dozen years, I've started losing teeth. Still, I didn't seek out a dentist.  A lot of that has to do with having zero dental insurance and knowing that I had no way to pay for any dental work. The rest has to do with my anxiety. I had to have a lot of dental work done when I was younger and most of it wasn't pleasant. I've developed a very real anxiety when it comes to dentists.

Still, 2018 is the year about being brave so after some serious anxiety attacks, I made the appointment. Yesterday afternoon, I drove the 20 minutes to their office. I fought back tears and panic the entire drive. The hygienist was nice, but before I even got to see the dentist, I was in tears. The entire thing felt completely overwhelming. When the dentist actually came in, they sat behind my head and went over the x-rays as if I wasn't there. He poked around my mouth some, gave her some notes, and then left. I think he told me to have a nice day but I don't remember. I was too wound up by that point. I know that he never introduced himself to me or anything.

The rundown? The TL;DR?

• My insurance will only cover: routine cleanings, extractions, fillings, and partial dentures.
• They will not cover: root canals, bridges, crowns, or deep cleanings...or even Nitrous.

I need:

• 5-6 extractions (most of these are broken stubs of teeth)
• 11-12 fillings
• Debridement
• Normal cleaning
• Root scaling/planing (also known as deep cleaning)
• Antibiotics to fight an infection
• Prescription toothpaste to help try to strengthen the remaining teeth. ($22)
• Nitrous Oxide to help calm me down. ($23/visit)

 Everything except that last one and the toothpaste will be covered by my insurance. The deep cleaning? That one will cost about $610. $610 that I really don't have but if I don't have this procedure done, my oral health will just continue to to get worse and I risk losing more teeth.

All of this is extremely stressful and when added to my anxiety, I ended up in my car afterwards having a complete breakdown. It was bad enough that the friend who called me suggested that I contact my doctor's office to see if they would prescribe me something that I can take before I have to go in for my next appointment. I don't know how many appointments this will take...I have 2 currently scheduled and that's just the start. I'm scared spitless so I guess it's just as well that the toothpaste has the added bonus of making me drool.

As for my weight, etc? Well, I got started on Monday and did well Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday and yesterday were all about anxiety and stress so I didn't do as well. I'm trying to get back on the horse today. I made a smoothie for breakfast and took my meds and then brushed my teeth with that god awful extra minty toothpaste (I hate mint toothpaste!). My water intake is slow but it's all I'm drinking and I have hopes of getting in my 64 oz before bed tonight. I even bought a scale yesterday!

The numbers?

Starting Weight: 314.4 lbs
Current Weight: 313.8 lbs
Change in Weight: -.8 lbs

It's a lot. It's overwhelming, especially when you add it to the rest of my life, but I've started the ball rolling so now I just have to keep it going.

Facing My Fears

I just wanted to pop on and post a quick update. I was supposed to go to the weight clinic on the 8th, but that's had to change. The boys' dad and his wife are driving down to Virginia to help his parents move up here and they've decided to leave Wednesday after work instead of Thursday morning. Since Roger has a band rehearsal on Wednesday night, mom duties are coming ahead of me making that informational meeting.

I'm not walking away from it though. I called this morning and changed my registration to the next session which is the 21st. Roger will be away at jazz camp and Ben will be here, but I think he'll be okay with being alone for a couple of hours while I go and do this. He wants me to be healthy and I'll explain to him what it is that I'm doing and why.

I also know that I have to start working on changes. This meeting isn't going to be a magic pill or anything like that. One bonus of having really horrible allergies and being on meds for them is the fact that I really started upping my water intake. I'm someone who is chronically dehydrated so this is a big step for me. Of course, I can't seem to stop drinking and so now I'm in the bathroom every 20 minutes...sheesh! One extreme to another with this body of mine. Still, there's no way anyone can accuse me of being dehydrated right now.

Still, I'm in pain. Part of it is severe allergies, but I suspect that another part is dental. I've always had really bad teeth. I remember numerous fillings, having teeth pulled, braces and all sorts of ick. Because of all of that, I've developed a fairly serious anxiety issue when it comes to dental work. On top of that, one of the "side effects" of my mental health issues is the fact that when things get bad, I let personal hygiene things slide...including my teeth. So, bad teeth combined with bad habits equals really bad teeth right now. I have multiple broken teeth and cavities. I know that seeing a dentist is going to be a miserable experience so I put it off even more. It becomes an ugly cycle.

Tonight though I took the first step in breaking that cycle. I found a clinic about 20 minutes from here that takes my insurance, which was a feat in itself. Then, I filled out the new patient form online and submitted it. Sometime in the next couple of days they'll call me and we'll set up the first appointment where I'll go in and have x-rays done and a consultation. The second appointment is a cleaning and then they go from there. I'm scared to death, but hopefully they'll be kind and understanding. I'm also a tiny bit proud of me. I took that first step and often that's one of the hardest ones. From here on out, it's just showing up to the appointments and lots of deep breathes. I can do this. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt, but the end will be worth it.

So, another step taken. In the next while lots of changes will be happening and while they may be scary, they're going to be good. I'm taking charge of my life, reclaiming my world, and it's a good thing.