Wednesday, June 23, 2010

All She Wanted Was to be Beautiful

For as long as I can remember, I've hated clothes shopping. I can never find the right things in normal stores. Heaven help me if I need something special for some special event. I have to go online and I can't afford the stores that have things that might actually fit me. Other people get excited when things like costume parties or masked balls. Not me. I just get more and more depressed because I know that I don't own any appropriate and the odds of me finding something are slim to none.

I'm going on a retreat, if you want to call it that, in a couple of weeks with Rob and nickle. One night, they're having a masked ball. As usual, I have nothing to wear. As usual, to find something would cost more money than I'll ever have. I had a dress in the closet. It was bought for me back in October. I tried it on, hoping and praying it would fit. It doesn't. My stupid huge ass boobs ruin it. I hate my body. I hate that my boobs are like..large watermelons. I hate them. I hate that I have no self control and I can't even do something as simple as drink 4 bottles of water a day.

I hate that instead of being excited about this trip, I'm in tears because I feel like there's nothing I can do. I don't own really nice things. When I was married, I faded into the background. Now, almost 4 years after my divorce, I still don't own really nice clothes. I can't afford to pay $30 for a shirt. I don't have anything to wear and because of that, I'm going to miss out on it. Everyone else will go with their gorgeous costumes or nice outfits and I'll be left sitting at camp because I'm too fat to have something appropriate to wear.

Monday, June 21, 2010


Have I mentioned yet I hate blogging? If i haven't there you go I hate it.
Counting points is frustrating but I'm trying. I know I've lost some weight as some of my clothes have started to fit me better, this is a bonus as my principal intent was to support my family. I find though that since counting points its way easier for me to get angry. Like REALLY angry. My solace has always been food, I eat because I'm fat, I'm fat because I eat. I've lost my focus, I've lost my motivation. It's a damn good thing I'm a phenomenal actor or my friends and family would know how many times I've smiled and lied and said I'm fine. If I was fine I wouldn't have carried around an empty envelope in my pocket (transferring it to my new pants every day) because I couldn't remember why it was important.

I'm not fine, I don't know how to fix it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Week 2

Well, I would love to say that week 1 when off without a hitch but the truth is that I got my water goal maybe 50% of the time. I know that's still better than before and that a lifelong habit of not drinking is really hard to break, but I'm frustrated. I mean, I weighed myself this week and I'd gained 5 pounds. Now, someone please explain to me how that's possible. I keep hoping that it's pre girly grossness or something but since I missed last month, heck if I know. On top of that, I'm going camping with Rob and nickle in a few weeks and I really want to lose at least some weight by then so I have enough pants to fit me. Plus, I really want to look better. I know I won't look good, but heck, I'd settle for better. I'm going to keep working on my water goal for this week. I know it's going to be one of the hardest and most important changes for me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Meh continued

I said that I was lumped in by default. In a sense I was. I started weight watchers to support nickle. I agreed to join the blog thing to support an extended family. While it is my goal to get healthy and "fighting fit" I don't have high expectations for myself.

That said I desperately WANT to lose weight, need to even. I feel my life shortening with every morsel that I put in my mouth and yet I can't seem to stop myself from eating goddamn cookies.

I don't know if I can do this thing but I will, because if for no other reason I'll support the people I love who are trying to improve themselves are worth it.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I'm not a blogger, I'm really good at internalizing my thoughts. I agreed to support nickle through Weight Watchers and by default I joined this group of people who are really trying to be healthier. It was easy to slack off at first because I didn't have anyone to be accountable to. Then I got a present, a points clicker. Yay me its easier to keep track of how many points I eat. Self accountability.

Fuck's sake I figured drinking extra water would make me less hungry. Wrong. Now I go to the bathroom every 5 minutes and I'm still hungry! Ah well water is good right? So on I go, tracking my points every day, I seem to be able to manage to stay within my points and eat more or less what I want just smaller amounts. sometimes a LOT smaller. They say the being hungry all the time thing will stop. We'll see, proud of nickle. her third weigh in is today.

More later.


There are two ways to lose weight: the crash diet: get-it-all-to-come-off-quick way or the slow way: make changes in your lifestyle that you'll be able to maintain over the rest of your lifetime.

Show of hands: who's tried the crash diet? (/me raises both hands) and where did that get you? Right back to where you started, or worse? Yea, because your body wasn't meant to live on cabbage soup for the rest of your life. (Nothing wrong with cabbage soup, btw...just not as a sole-provider of nutrients for your day)

So, the slow way is the way to go? But I want to be skinny now! Well, news flash, you weren't skinny 3 days ago, you ain't gonna be skinny 3 days from now. The weight didn't go on overnight...and it comes off even slower than it went on. Don't cry over it, just admit it and make a change! :)

Easy words to hear? Easy words to type? Oh heck no!!! I've been overweight for 32 of my 38 years on this earth. I joke that the last time I was at a "normal" weight was when I was born, at 6 lbs, 12 ounces. Does that mean I have to stay overweight? Nope!

I joined Weight Watchers a few weeks ago, because, luckily for me, my day-job started a Weight Watchers-at-Work program and paid for half of the membership fees. No excuse now. Obviously I can make time for the meeting since I'm at work anyway, and I can afford half the fee. Damn! lol

I'm totally committed to this now. I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of being the fat mom. I don't want a fat legacy for my daughter. She's beautiful and healthy....and I can't poison her with the lifestyle I've been living. Hopefully, with my new habits, she'll have healthy ones too. I've already seen a bit of a change in her; she has healthy snacks and she even helped me work out yesterday.

I have 162 pounds to lose; so far I've lost 8. Yes, I have a way to go. But, watch out...cuz here I come!!


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A New Beginning

Not only is this a brand new blog, but it's a new start for me. A start on a journey that honestly flat out terrifies me. I've started and stopped trying to lose weight more times than I can count. Will this time be different? I honestly don't know, but I hope so. I'm hoping that having this place to come to will help me keep going down this path. It's a path that I know I need to take. I currently weigh 285 pounds and that's terrifying. I know that things need to change and I pray that my friends here will hold me up and keep me going. I pray that they will share what they're learning as they do Weight Watchers. I can't afford to join a group so I've created this group. Please, let this group help me.

Since I know that my water intake is always low, I'm going to start there. I'm going to allow myself one glass of juice a day and work hard on getting in 4 bottles (I have a nice water bottle) of water a day. Anything I drink past that will be a bonus. Once drinking the water becomes routine, I'm going to work on another problem area. There are plenty of problem areas to work on.

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