Weekly Update: 95% Back to Normal

 Whew. What a difference a week makes. Last week was so hard but I'm thankful to report that I've weathered the storm of getting back on my medication and I'm feeling so much better. Now, to remind myself how miserable that week was when I start thinking about going off the meds again. I don't know why I do that. I'm so good about them for ages then I just stop one night. At least this last time I had pneumonia as a reason, but still...

Anyway, that's over, thank goodness. I don't have very much else to report since I spent the entire week pretty much on the couch. I did go into town with Ben and had lunch on Wednesday. That was nice except for the fact that food just didn't appeal to me. I'm still finding that to be a bit of a problem. I know I need to eat but once the food is in front of me, I'm kind of meh about it. It's frustrating because I don't want to waste food so I either force myself to eat it or I put it in the fridge and hope it sounds better later. 

Since there's not much to say about last week, I guess I'll jot down my goals for this coming week:

1. Finish cleaning the bathroom

2. Work on the living room

3. Help Ben with homework

4. Log new client's book

5. Start new client's book

6. Continue in bed by midnight

7. Set up appointment to get the kittens spayed/neutered

Not a complicated list but one that I think is achievable which is important after last week where I got essentially nothing accomplished. Some of it I can knock out today which will help set me up with time to work on the book. That's going to be a big one. It's the writer's first novel which is always special and just a little bit scary. For now though, I'm going to put a call into our vet and get these babies scheduled to be fixed. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

2020 Birthday Wrap Up

 Okay, first of all, what the heck is up with sites feeling they need a brand new design? First Facebook...whose new design sucks and I have rejected it 11 times now. I know they're going to force it on me soon, but I will hold out as long as possible. Now it's Blogger. I really don't know why companies feel they have to fix things that aren't broken. Focus on adding features, fixing bugs, not redesign. 

There. Now that I have that off my chest, it's time for the annual birthday blog post. I used to do this over on Life With Katie, but since I've made that my author site, I felt here was a better place for it since it's not about writing goals or anything like that. 

Let's start by summarizing my birthday: the good, the bad, the summary style. 

The Good - First text of the day was from my best friend. I've missed him so damn much and he doesn't know that, but every time his text chime goes off, I smile. I cannot wait until we can be together again. That reminds me...I think I still owe him about 7 steaks.

A friend called and we were on the phone for nearly four hours. It was pretty awesome. 

I got an incredible weighted blanket from Justin. It has albino penguins all over it and I can't wait to use it. I also got taken out for a very late lunch/early dinner by my oldest and my "middle" child got to join us. (Middle is in quotes because he's my youngest biologically but the son we "adopted" is like 4 days younger than him.)

I got to pick a name for the name a cat poll on my favorite Twitch channel (Twitch.tv/Apoinsettia) and my name won! I'd like to welcome Sadie officially to the channel. I also got happy birthdays there, on the SeanLikesJazz channel, and on Discord. Plus all of the ones on Facebook and a new thrown in on Twitter. Super nice.

The Bad - "The Man" sucks. Yep. I'm not being nice on this. He pretty much blew off our anniversary and then yesterday? No text. No card. No gift. He didn't even respond to my text. In fact, he hasn't in 9 days now. What did he do? He posted to my Facebook wall: Hey you, happy birthday.  ...I wanted to respond, Hey you, we need to talk, but I didn't. I did send him a text last night saying that I was super sad that he wouldn't even text me on my birthday. Zero response. Big surprise, huh? 

Anyway, enough about that. I need to do something about it, but I also need to do a thousand other things...so...only other bad? No other cards or gifts. Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy, but it is what it is. I have a need to be validated on that one day a year and while social media posts are great, they're just not the same thing. Maybe next year I'll throw myself a card party...

The Summary - Not a bad day overall. There were some tears thanks to "the man" but there were also smiles and laughter. I'd give the day a solid 7.5/10. Only things missing? A phone call from my best friend, "the man" not being a douche, and a few more cards/gifts.

Now, for anyone who has read my past birthday blog posts, you know that I often use my birthday as a day of introspection and planning for the upcoming year. I usually pick something to focus on and set some goals. Why break tradition, right?

Focus: Mental health

Mental health can be the root of so many other issues. It can be why I don't take care of myself, why I don't do things or get things done. Ever since I had pneumonia and then Covid happened (to the world, not to me), I've struggled with all of this. I had such a hard time when I was sick that I stopped taking my medicine. I was coughing so much that I was throwing up and it just became easier not to take it. Unfortunately, as anyone who struggles with a medication schedule knows, once you mess up that schedule, it's so hard to get back to it. So, my taking my meds appropriately is step 1 of getting back on track. They should help me get to a place where I can start handling things that I've let slide again. 

Goals:

I'm keeping these simple. They need to be attainable so that I can achieve them and then set new goals. Nobody said you can only set goals on your birthday and new years, right?

Goal #1: Books

I want to have written and published two more books by the time my birthday rolls around next year. Apo's Army is already in progress and then I want to go back to the toy store. This is doable. 

Goal #2: House

Due to my mental health, I've allowed the house to get more than a little out of control. I need to reign that in and then over the coming year get some serious house fixes done. By done I mean letting the owner know there are issues. My main ones are: kitchen floor (hopefully within the next couple of weeks), furnace (November) and water heater/electrical (Spring).  I'm spreading these out so that the owner doesn't 100% freak out. I don't want to go another year without heat in the house though. Can it be done? Yes. Do I deserve to have heat? Yes. I just need to remind myself of that.

Goal #3: Car

This one seems kind of silly, but I want to clean out my car...like really clean it out, wiping everything down, etc and keep it nice. I'm so tired of it looking like I live in it or something. Next time I go out to it, I'm going to take a trash bag with me and just start filling it with whatever needs to go into the trash can. Front seats should be pretty easy. Then, I'll tackle the back seat. There's an a/c unit back there. Maybe when the boys stop by this weekend I'll get Roger to put that into the barn. 

So, that's it. My focus and goals for this coming birth year. They're small, but I think they're all really important. I'm off to actually write a post for Life With Katie. I've been so horrible about updating there. It's one of the things that I stopped doing in the Covid depression era. I need to get better about that.

Have an amazing day, all of you! You're much loved.

PS New blogger got rid of my entire list of tags. Argh! 

Life Update

This needs to be my reminder to myself this week. Kat Scratch Press editing has taken off to the point where I have four separate projects on my desk. I'm always so worried about letting people down that I'll work myself to exhaustion trying to make sure that they're happy. Part of the reason that I've moved these posts to Sundays is to make sure that my Monday are open for me to just sit and work if need be. Fingers crossed that I can hold myself in check this coming week.

As for everything else, things are going pretty well. When Ben was here last week, we cleaned the kitchen, sorted through his clothes, and then created a 3" wide (give or take, I suck at estimating distance) path from my bedroom door to my bed. Then, since I could now access my dresser, I purged that and all of the clothes that have been stacking up on my bed. In the end, I donated three bags of clothes to Goodwill and I'm nowhere near done with that room yet! It's crazy, but the big news is...I can now sleep in my bed for the first time in five years! That's a victory right there. The bed is made up with clean sheets and I've spent the past three nights sleeping up there. I'm not sleeping 100% yet but I'm adjusting to having an entire bed to sleep in. I guess you can say that I kicked that having the tv on habit because there isn't a tv in the bedroom. I still have the light on, but that'll go at some point. I'm just not quite ready.

Ben is coming back over this evening for a couple of days and I suspect we'll be tackling the living room in between bouts of me working on client work. I'm so looking forward to the point where this house is a place where I wouldn't mind my son's girlfriend coming into instead of waiting in the car while he runs in to get something. I'm really hopeful that by the time colleges let out for Christmas break, the house will be good enough for all of the kids to be here. That would mean a lot to me.

In other news, I finally received a blood pressure cuff and I've been using it for the past couple of days. My results so far? 123/78, 133/87, and 131/80. So, two of those were a little high but still below the mild hypertension range which is good. If it continues this way for the remainder of the thirty days, I don't think we'll need to adjust my medication. Perhaps if I lose some weight, that will help bring it back down.

I haven't been able to start the walking or the pool time yet. I've been so busy with everything else that I just haven't had the energy. I know that it's something that I need to do, but I just haven't gotten there yet.

I'm feeling a little stressed but overall, I think I'm handling things okay. I just have to keep going and making changes when I can. The bed thing is a huge one and I'm looking forward to clearing more of that room out so I can get more things put where they belong. One day and one step at a time. Ever Onward.

I Need a Plan

If you've been here a while, you know I've been struggling for the past couple of months. My best friend broke my heart and unfortunately, his way of dealing with it is by not dealing with it. The man loves his avoidance and in the past, I've given in and let him off the hook when he's hurt me. I can't do that this time. I've come to respect myself too much, even if it's been two months and I'm still crying.

But, that's not what this post is really about. This post is about me. It's about the me that is struggling and the me that I want to be. It's about the me who has spent just over 24 hours in a hotel and gave herself permission to not do jack. Yep, that's right. for the past 24 hours, I haven't done a single productive thing and if I'm honest, it feels pretty wonderful.

Forever, or so it seems, I've felt guilty if I allowed myself downtime or time just for me. I only watch movies/tv with my kids or if I'm sick. Well, let me rephrase that. I only only watch them in those ways. Usually I'm doing something else at the same time. If I'm allowing myself to play a game, I'm also working through something in my head or making notes on something else I need to do.

For whatever reason, yesterday something clicked and I said, "You know what? You don't have to work. You were sent to this hotel to get away from the heat that was making you sick and yes, to do some writing, but how good will your writing be if you're completely burned out?" So, I've binged watched the latest series of Queer Eye, I've taken a nap, I've spent some much needed online time with "the man".  I've gone swimming...and that last one is kind of important.

I'm not one who has ever loved my body. In other posts, I've probably mentioned how I don't feel pretty or sexy. I feel fat and frumpy and pretty yuck. I need to lose about 100 pounds before I can have breast reduction surgery but it's really hard to lose weight when all of your major appliances have failed and you're struggling with depression. It's tough to cook/eat healthy and dragging yourself out of the house when the heat is a perfect excuse is hard.

Today though, I told myself to stop making excuses and to take advantage of the fact that there's a pool literally across the hallway from my room. I knew there weren't any kids in it because I would have heard them if there were. So, I got on my swimsuit, grabbed my towel and snuck over. Then, I spent 30 minutes or so doing slow laps. I don't do fast laps these days and since I fell getting into the pool (wet hand + damp hand rail + weak knee = oops!) I was trying not to push too hard. At the end of those 30 minutes, I'd done a lot of thinking and my arms were tired, but that good tired. The tired that I used to love when I swam regularly.

What did I decide? Well....a few things....

1. I need to get the house in order. I know that when I walk back into it, the depression is lurking there waiting for me as well as every thought of being a failure. Somehow, I have to push past that to start making changes. It seems minor, but I'm going to try to spend one hour each day working on the house...15 minutes in the living room and 45 minutes (broken into 15 minute chunks) in a different room each week.  I'll also take advantage of when/if the boys come over to get some of the bigger tasks taken care of.

2. I need to get me in order. I love the pool. I love swimming. It's an exercise that my doctor actually recommended. I'm not quite sure how to make this one happen, but I need to try. The community center in Hastings has a pool and I believe that they have open swim times and possibly even lap times. I've not looked into it because of my own self-consciousness...what will people think about this big, fat person in a pool? What if my slow laps hold up other people? Well, what if I never try and end up not able to get up off my couch? Priorities, right?

Anyway, I know they have a pool but there will be challenges. First, it's 30 minutes away (like near everything else) and I'd have to get some sort of membership and those aren't cheap. I don't know quite how I'll make it happen, but I'd really like to.

3. I need to get my business in order. I love what I do and I'm good at it. Somehow I have to get my name in front of people. I was thinking of running an introductory price special with a discounted price for new clients as well as those who recommend them. I'd also like to have business cards made up. I'm supposed to be going to a big comic convention in October and I think it might help to have a double sided card made up...one side having Geek-o-Rama on it and the other side having my editing/proofreading on it.

4. I need to get my finances in order.  They're not really out of order in the way that I have no idea what they are. I totally know what they are. They're non-existent. I need to start bringing money in so I can afford to do things like go to the pool, to pay off the fridge, to buy a new stove and microwave...and a thousand other things like paint for the living room. Life costs money and I don't have money. For the first time since my last failed attempt at getting a job, I'm considering applying for a job at the "local" gas station once the boys are safely installed at college. It scares me spitless, but I have to do something.

I publicly stated a goal of $600 a month in income this past week and I believe I can do it. I just don't know how fast I can do it.

The other option is believing all those people who keep telling me that it's okay to ask for help and set up some sort of funding type thing to help me get back into a position where I'm on safer ground and can take on more myself.  Honestly though, I have a really tough time believing that people would put in towards it. I remember how hard it was to get people to pledge when we had a gofundme to help send my youngest on a science research trip...and we had reward tiers. I have a KoFi set up now and in all the time that I've had it, only 2 people have used it.

I honestly believe that people don't understand what it's like to have a mental health issue that does its damndest every day to try to keep you from living. They see me...have heard me talk about the struggles of being poor ...and they're just plain tired of it and believe I should have sorted all of this out by now. I admit that I could be wrong and nobody thinks that at all, but it is what I think.

5. I need to get the people in my life in order.  That sounds harsh, but if being mostly away from social media for a couple of days has taught me anything, it's that it stresses me out far more than I had realized. I was on for 5 minutes earlier, just scrolling, and could feel the tension climbing back into my neck and shoulders. This means that I need to start culling people from my list. There are those there who give absolutely nothing of value to my life, but that stress me out whenever I read their posts. They need to go. It's not personal...no wait, it is personal. It's personal to my health and well-being and that's really what I need to be focused on. Quality over quantity and all that.

So...those are my swimming thoughts...Now I have to figure out how to make all of that happen. One step at a time.

Update: A membership to the community center to use just the pool is $20/mo or $200/year.

So Far, So Good

Well, this is week 2 of the desktop sticky note/daily theme plan and so far it's gone pretty well.  I've had to be a bit flexible with it since things have popped up, but it has helped to wake up each morning with at least an idea of what should get done that day.

Last week, I managed to get half a book proofread, a story written and submitted to an anthology and a major part of the living room cleaned out. I'm thrilled to report that we can now walk around the entire room. So far, so good.

Tomorrow is cleaning day again so my goal is to finish up the living room (few areas that need a pick up, bag of trash to the outside bin, and then vacuum the whole lot), do a load of laundry or two, and maybe even start on the bathroom. The overall goal is to have the living room and bathroom done this week so that next Wednesday, I can start in on the kitchen. That is one project that I am not looking forward to but that is beyond necessary.

Other than that, tomorrow night I'm attending a financial aid seminar at the youngest's school. I can't believe that we're already at college applications and how to fill out a fafsa! I do have to say though that while he seems to be procrastinating on filling out the applications, I am proud of him for coming to me about this seminar to ask if we could go before I had a chance to ask him about it. It helps reassure me as a parent that I've done something right when he shows this level of responsibility.

The rest of the week is busy...proofreading on Thursday and then the first NaNo class for the year. I've never actually taken any sort of writing classes and while this one is about organization, I'm looking forward to an evening of being out and of note taking. Do I need a course on how to be organized? Nope. Am I going to go so that I can start getting into the right mindset and to socialize? You bet your sweet bippy.

Friday is our last home football game and senior night. I can't believe it's Roger's last time performing on that football field during a halftime. I can't say the last time performing on it because Saturday is our marching band invitational and with a lot of luck, they'll be performing the show at the end of that.

So, quite a busy week ahead and there's been some extra stuff thrown in... my oldest son wanting to try out Special Olympics, still jumping through hoops for him to go to school in January, and then a doctor's office calling me today about setting up a surgery consult for January. Oddly enough, I seem to be handling everything okay. Maybe because I have a bit more routine it doesn't throw me as much when something pops up.

I know that this hasn't been the most educational or even fun post, but thank you for taking the time to read it....and I hope you're doing well.

From Chaos to Contained

From Chaos to Contained - My Mind, My Life

I sat down nearly two hours ago because I wanted to write here. The problem is that I had no idea what to write about. My brain kept circling around a problem that I'm having that I can't figure out a solution to and sadly, it's something that I can't really write about here. Then, inspiration struck!

Okay, that's dramatic. It's more like I was sitting on the couch, staring through my laptop as I tried to figure out what to write about and suddenly I remembered that my laptop has the sticky notes feature. I love this feature but somehow I go months without remembering that I have it. Tonight, I remembered and I figured out a way to make it work for me. Yay!

Last week, I wrote about my idea for "themed" days to help me focus on what needs to get done. In the time since, I've let the idea sit in the back of my head and not really done much with it. My oldest read my post and told me that he liked the idea and thought that it would really help. This week he's here with me and today we got to work on it. I spent the day working on various site(s) and hanging out with him. It was nice to get that stuff done, but I realized that my memory issues have been getting a bit dodgy lately and I kept feeling as if I were forgetting something I should be doing. Enter...the sticky notes!

The desktop on my laptop. I need to do an icon clean out!

I sat down at my laptop and created a sticky note for each theme. Then, on each one I listed the theme and any/all tasks that need to be completed on that day or for that project. The nice thing is that these are easily to make changes to if I need to and I can view them any time where I'm not sure what I should be doing. I plan on doing my weekly planning each weekend and whenever I sit down to do that, I'll be making sure that these are updated for the upcoming week.

Doing this tonight made me realize that chaos has crept into other areas of my world and so I'm going to be sitting down as soon as I can to work on a similar system for those areas. The one that my brain keeps coming back to is my writing. I need to finish Nevermore and then come up with a plan for future books. It's time that I stop flying so much by the seat of my pants and have a plan. I've always worked so much better that way, but for whatever reason, I have't applied my need for order to my writing. I need to work on that.  It's time to take the chaos that is my world and bring it back in order. It's time to go from chaos to contained ...a place for everything in my world and as much of it as possible in its place.

Sometimes the solutions to things are the very things staring you right in the face...

Bullet Journal Therapy

How Something So Simple Has Kept Me Going

My Bullet Journal

That little black book is my bullet journal. It's also been the salvation to my sanity a few times lately and I wanted to share it with all of you. For those of you who don't know what a bullet journal is, check out this link and then come on back. Don't worry, I'll wait for you.

Back? Yay! I started mine back in May. I'd heard about them but every time I saw one, it seemed so beautiful and so expensive. I saw people talking about the huge orders they'd put in, etc. I live penny to penny around here so there just wasn't the funds to invest like other people seemed to be doing. Plus, I have ocd which leads to perfectionism which leads to "omg, I'm going to mess something up and then what?!?" Somehow though, I talked myself into just going down to Walmart and picking up whatever I could find. They didn't have the fancy dotted paper notebooks so I bought an artist's sketchbook without perforated pages. It was plain so I slapped some jeweled stickers on it and ta-da! my bullet journal was born. 

My Keys

 My first big task was to create the key. I spent a lot of time fussing over this before telling myself to just put pencil (and then pen) to paper and create it. If I hated it later, I didn't have to use it.

May Habit Tracker/When Did I Last

 Then, I decided that I didn't really want to do a monthly calendar. I use a Google calendar and I'm very much in the habit of checking and updating that. However, there are some habits that I really want to enforce, so I created a habit tracker and then on the opposite page, a page that lists things that I should be doing quarterly. When I do them, I can add in the date to help me to keep track.

Weekly Layout and 19 Things Before 2019

I do like the idea of a weekly layout though. It's a place that I can put all of the appointments but also add little things like...graduation stickers to celebrate my oldest's high school graduation. The 19 before 2019 is simply a list of goals that I'd like to achieve by the end of the year. I admit that it's coming along slowly and something I need to look at more often.

Another Weekly Layout

 This is another one of my weekly layouts. As you can see, there is a ton of blank space. That was bugging me but I did have fun adding stickers and even starting to doodle a little bit.

Writing Blocks

 Some of you may know that I'm a writer. I have a series that I've been working on with Nick Davis called The Tether Saga. Right now, I'm writing the last book in that series while also working on another book. I created these pages to keep track of my progress as well as any important notes that I needed to keep track of.

June Habit Tracker

 For June, I wanted to go with some kind of theme. I've seen some absolutely beautiful ones but I'm really not much of an artist. I found these ladybug stickers and decided to go with that along with a red/white/black theme. As you can see, I have some areas that I really need to work on but I'm getting better in others. I know it will take time and I'm trying to be patient with myself.

Savings Tracker

 Even though I have next to no income right now, I do have things that I really need/want to get. The one item that should be on here but isn't is new memory for my laptop so that I can keep posting and writing. That's $70. Anyway, I thought that a tracker might help keep it in front of me so that when I did have a few extra dollars (or someone donated to my Ko-Fi), I could set it aside to go towards one of these things.

Weekly Layout

See my ladybugs? I really enjoy this theme and even tried to do a bit of doodling by adding laundry to that laundry basket.

Zone Cleaning

 Some of you know that I have hoarding issues. I think I've written about it here. I decided what might help me to become less overwhelmed is to come up with a zone cleaning schedule that I could put into place once I'm done de-junking the house. This is the first two pages of it.

Zone Cleaning - Cleaning Quotes

 This is the second page along with a page of quotes. I love the fact that I did all of this by hand and even the untidiness of the quote page has started to grow on me. It was my first real challenge of just doing it without drawing it all in using a pencil first and while it's sloppy feeling, I kind of love it.

House Projects Layout

 So, to be able to get to use the zone cleaning layouts, these are the tasks that have to get finished inside of the house. As you can see, it's not a small list, but I've broken it down into what I'm hoping are manageable sections.

Outdoor Projects Layout

 As you can see, I have a ton of outside projects that really need to happen as well. I'm hoping to find a couple of days soon where neither of my boys have to work and the weather isn't too terrible so that we can go out and tackle that barn. It's a huge one but it will also make a huge difference.

Weekly Layout

 Just another weekly layout. I discovered that my stickers were too puffy and it was messing with the pages so I drew these ladybugs. I think they turned out okay.

Daily Routines - Social Media Tracker

 Routines can be really helpful once I get into them and stick with them. Just ask me what I'm doing on Mondays and the answer is always the same. I've gotten into that habit/routine. Now, I'm working on building up my morning and before bedtime routines to help find more stability. The other page is to track my social media goals. Connections are so important to me not just because as a writer, I need readers, but also because they remind me daily that I'm not alone in this world or on this journey.

Self-Care Ideas

 I know that we've all heard how important self-care is. I also know that when you probably need it the most is just when you can't think of a single thing. So, on a good day, I made this layout with different ideas of things that I could do. It actually came in handy today when I saw it and reminded myself that it was okay to spend some time offline and curled up with a book.

45 Random Acts of Kindness

 At my son's graduation a few weeks ago, the keynote speaker talked about Return on Investment and how it's important not only to invest in ourselves, but perhaps, more importantly, in others. This really struck a chord with me because it's important to me to make this world a better place for those around me. It's part of the reason that I write about my own struggles. I want others to see that they aren't alone. These are 45 acts of kindness that I want to complete far before I turn 45.

Healthy Snacks - Movies To Watch

 As part of my "I really need to take better care of me" thought process, I thought it'd be good to make a list of healthier snacks. Don't get me wrong, Doritos are delicious, but they probably aren't what I should be eating on a regular basis. On the other side of this, I posted a question on Facebook asking my friends to name one movie that they think I should see. Then, I put them onto the little movie tickets and as I see each one, I'm coloring it in.

Last Weekly Layout

Remember how I said that I felt like my other weekly layouts were leaving just too much blank space? This week, I've tried this layout and I like it so much better! It gives me space to create weekly goals and to jot down notes and even things that I need to pick up at the store! I think I'm going to stick to this style for a while.

Books I've Read

I've always been told that a good writer should read as much as they write. I probably read a good bit more than I write (I need to work on that!) but I've always been a voracious reader. This layout gives me a chance to keep track of what I've read throughout the year. I need to add another couple of books to it and then draw in some more blank ones.

That's my bullet journal so far. I know that this is one looooong post so if you made it this far, thank you! I hope that you can see the different ways that I'm using my journal to help with not just my daily life, but the bad days that sometimes come along with PTSD and Bipolar 2. I know that there will be days when I just want to give up because it feels impossible. I've had one or two of those since I started working on this and when I've flipped through this book and realized that I've done this..I doodled and spent hours with a ruler and came up with this ...it's been a great reminder that if I can create this, maybe I can keep going and create something a little better for me and those around me. 

If you create one for yourself, please leave me a comment or track me down on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I would love to hear about it and see pictures!

The End is Near

I've been gone for a while again. The truth is that Keith's death knocked me for a loop and then some. I started to close in on myself. Then, one day, I woke up and suddenly things seemed better. I could almost hear Keith telling me that it was time for me to get back to writing and to living.  So, write I did. I spent a lot of my spare time working on my second book with Nick. I went out to the local NaNoWriMo write ins and focused on that and on my boys.

Time passed and mentally and emotionally, things have gotten better. For the most part they've been okay physically as well. That's if you ignore the past two weeks when I've been down and out with bronchitis. If you'd asked me just a few days ago, I probably would have told you that I was pretty sure I was dying. Losing the ability to breathe properly is such a terrible feeling! Thank goodness for antibiotics. I only wish that they would have prescribed me some cough medicine so that I could sleep at night. Today was the first day in a week that I got dressed properly. Then, like a crazy person, I went out into the cold and did some grocery shopping. It took its toll on me but I got through it and I'm determined to continue to be on the mend. I don't pick up the boys until Monday (Christmas) night so I can take the next couple of days to recover.

I mentioned above that things have gotten better emotionally and mentally. That's been something that's very much been on my mind these past few days. It's been a big change for me over the past year or so. Last year (and a lot of years before that), when December 1st rolled around, I'd start looking for Christmas cards in the mail. A couple of weeks before Christmas, I'd look for packages to be delivered. As the days would go by and they didn't appear, I'd get sadder and more upset. I would curl up and think about how alone I was going to be when the boys were at their dad's on Christmas Day and how I'd have nothing of my own to open. In my head, I would convince myself that nothing coming meant that no one loved me.

Writing that seems so silly but it's the truth. At some point in my life, I started equating getting things from people as meaning they cared about me. After all, you do get things for people you care about. The problem came that I also believed the opposite to be true when it came to me. Somewhere over the past year though, that changed. I don't entirely know when or why but it did. Oh, I have my suspicions but nothing that I can say, "Yep, that was it."

As the clock has ticked down towards Christmas, not a gift has arrived and only one card. I have a stack of about fifty that I'll be mailing out once I have the funds for postage. Granted, a lot of them are for supporters of my son's trip, but quite a lot are personal choice as well. In the past, this would have had me in tears by now. This year, I look at it and know that I am loved by those that matter to me and that no gift in the world is more important to me than their love and support. Those closest to me are a small group but they're the most important group in the world to me and there's no greater gift than their love and the time shared together.

As we get closer to 2018, I know that 2017 has been incredibly hard for some of them and for me as well. We're all ready to begin again and while I firmly believe that you can begin again at any time, there symbolic changing of the year is a good time to reflect and to plan. I'm so happy to be able to say that I'm going into it stronger, calmer, and surrounded by love.

So here's to sharing the holidays with each other, near and far, to loving ourselves and each other and to going into 2018 ready to be the change that we need within ourselves and to make this world a brighter, better place. I know that things will come that we may not be ready for, that life will throw us challenges and torments, but I also know that there will be good moments. The bad may out count the good but the good will still be there and it's our job to not only remember the good but to increase the good around us.

Happy holidays, my friends!

PS To see my year end wrap up of good and my 2018 goals, check out Life With Katie. As I'm able, I'll be writing those up.

Random Thoughts

Well, it's been about a month since I last posted and I've spent quite a bit of that month scrambling from one thing to the next. The youngest and I spent almost a week down in Indianapolis trying to take in the craziness that is Gen Con. Holy crow that's a lot of walking and it reminded me that I need to get some good nursing shoes or something that is made for folks who are on their feet all day long. It was a great bonding time with him and we brought back quite a bit for the high school gaming group to try out.

Then, as soon as we got back, it was the mad dash to get both boys ready to go back to their dad's as well as back to school. Did I mention that there was a football game plus practices that week as well? Utter insanity.

Now, the boys are back at their dad's and we're all working on adjusting to the new schedules that each school year brings. It's been tough because they've had two four day weeks so far which makes everything off by at least a day. I'm looking forward to next week when we have a full week of school and I can really focus on building a new day to day schedule for myself.

Monday will always be site work day for me. It's the day that I work on Geek-o-Rama. Speaking of which, if you're interested in reviewing comics, get in touch with me. We need one or two new folks into the mix.

Tuesdays - I'd like to make this book day. I'm so far behind on book 2 of The Tether Saga and I really need to get back to it.

Wednesday - Free day. A day where I can have a bit of downtime, tackle any projects that I want to. Not necessarily lazy day but a day where I'm not tied down to one thing.

Thursday - Education day. Nick is an absolutely marvelous partner in the books but I want to do more to help ensure their success. I have books I want to read, podcasts to listen to, and things I want/need to learn to turn this into more than just a dream.

Friday - Finish it Friday - The day I take all of the things that got started that week and wrap them up.

This is my basic outline that I have so far. There are a lot of details to fill in...like sporting events, band rehearsals, concerts..Oh, and my youngest is auditioning next month for a jazz orchestra and wants to add private lessons back in. After almost two years at the place he was going, he decided that he wasn't really learning anything there that he wasn't teaching himself so he quit. The new place is a 45 minute drive away but is with someone who charges less and is actively playing. There are a lot of details to figure out. He may get his driver's license soon...though that depends upon him finding a job and while lots of places are saying they're hiring, nobody is getting callbacks. If that happens, it will help because he'll be able to get himself places.

I also need to build in time for some sort of exercise, even if it's just walking, and proper meal planning. My physical health needs to be a part of my healthier me plan for sure.

So, there we have it. A rough outline of what I'd like to turn my daytime into. I essentially have from when I get up until 2pm every day to make this happen. Fingers crossed that I slide into it relatively easily and things start getting done around here.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Ugh...Allergies!

Ugh. Does anyone know when grass pollen season ends? We've been under a pollen warning for at least 2 months now. It wasn't too bad at first when it was tree pollen but now that grass pollen has been sitting at very high for weeks, I'm at my wit's end.

For those that don't know, I have some nasty allergies and it seems that this year they're worse than ever. Grass pollen is the biggest culprit and it's gotten to that point that I've doubled up my allergy meds and I'm still in tons of pain. Unfortunately for me, when my allergies act up, the left side of my sinuses swell and cause me intense pain in that area, my left eye, my left ear, and the left side of my jaw. It makes getting any accomplished nearly impossible. The only thing that helps it is to "drink" water constantly.

Why the quotes? Because I'm not actually swallowing right away. I hold it in the upper part of the left side of my mouth and almost float my sinuses. It relieves the pressure briefly but let me tell you, getting 64 ounces of water a day has been a breeze! It's insane the amount of water that I drink. I haven't been keeping track but I know it's 64 ounces or more every day.

I've also been really good about taking my medicine, two-thirds of which is allergy related. It helps or at least I'm hoping it's helping! Either way, I'm proud of being on top of those two things. I still need to get into the habit of wearing my fit bit and making sure I make those step goals. Hopefully the grass will stop making grass babies soon and I can get outside more. It's actually gotten so bad that we're ordering masks for me to wear (at least while at home).

So, I'm still here, I'm still slowly plugging away at this and I'm thankful for anyone who stops by and reads this. It's good for all of us to know that we're not alone in this pollen spewing universe.

Things Are Happening!

I love this graphic. It's so peaceful and calming and nothing like my bladder today. You see, I have horrible allergy issues and one of the few things that helps is to take a drink of water and hold it in my mouth on the side of my face that is giving me a hard time. Why does this work? I haven't the slightest idea. It might have something to do with equalizing pressure or some other scientific type thing. All I know is that it works and for the past 18 hours or so, I have ingested a lot of water because of this. In fact, last night it got so bad that I was having to take a drink every five minutes. This led to a few bonus bathroom trips and me being exceptionally tired today.

Still, I know that the water intake is good for me. It will help cleanse my body of junk and will help me have more energy. You know, when it isn't in direct competition with sinus pain keeping me awake. Plus, the more water in me, the less hungry I'll be which can be a very good thing. Though it didn't stop me from eating those reece's cups a bit ago...but let's move on, shall we?

I've been at the library all day trying to get around the desire to nap and instead get some things accomplished. On top of the site work that I did over on Life With Katie, I accomplished drinking 33.8+ ounces of water and going to the bathroom four times. While a bit obnoxious, there's a good side to the bathroom thing too! On Sunday morning I finally found my fitbit charging cable! Now that it's charged and back on my wrist, it's keeping track of all those steps to and from the bathroom.

So far today, I've walked 1,703 steps. It doesn't seem like much but every step counts and with my daily goal being low at 3,000 steps, I'm pretty happy with that number. I'm not a lazy person but I'm absolutely not a very active person either. By finding my FitBit, it's allowing me to visually see where I'm at and its little nudges help me get up and get a few more steps in. I'm sticking with my 3,000 steps a day goal for now but I'm hoping by the end of summer to have doubled that number and to be hitting it regularly.

The same thing goes with my water intake. Today I should hit 64 ounces if I stay on the pace I am now. I'd like to hit that daily. I know some day it will be a challenge, but I also know that if I don't try, I'll never get it.  If I hadn't started taking my medicine, I wouldn't be able to say that I've been nearly perfect at taking it for the past two months. For an entire year before that, I didn't take it. Now, I may miss a day here or there, but I'm taking it. That's awesome.

I have a long ways to go with things. I still need to work on my diet and figuring out some sort of schedule for this summer. Between Roger being gone for another two weeks and then coming back and Ben working five days a week, things have been dodgy. I'm going to keep working on it though and I really love the support y'all give me.

Ups and Downs

Betcha thought I'd disappeared again, huh? Nope. I'm still out here. It's been a rough week or so though. It turns out that the reason I felt so awful and exhausted for 6 weeks is because I had mono. Go figure. I haven't the slightest idea where I picked it up from. All I can think of is that someone with it sneezed around me and I inhaled at the wrong time. Then, as if me having it wasn't bad enough, Roger caught it. Poor kid. His last week with it was terrible...throat so raw it was bleeding, exhausted, high fever...and one mom who was trying to be supermom. We got through it and got him off to jazz camp this past weekend, but that and the bat that moved into my house uninvited has worn me out. In fact, after I post this, I'm going to try to call my doctor's office again to reschedule my appointment and then take a nap. I'm no good to anyone when I'm super tired.

Now that I've caught you up, I  bet you could be wondering how the healthy changes are going. Of course, I also bet you know that when moms are being supermoms that they let their own things slip. I'm happy to say that it only happened a bit and as of this morning, I'm back on track with my medicine, watering my little garden, and eating breakfast. Small things, but important things. Plus, Ben and I have decided to spend 15-20 minutes each day tackling something in the house that needs to get done. I'm excited about the progress we're going to make by doing that. It's our goal to get to a point where the owner's husband can come put the rest of the ceiling tiles in. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I guess that's that. Not a whole lot of change, but certainly some getting back on track and getting everyone healthy again. I have to reschedule my doctor's appointment to a time where I can also get Ben to work, but when I go, I'll be stepping on the scale. I don't expect a whole lot of change, but it will be good to know where I'm at. For now though, it's time to make that call and take that nap!

Fresh Starts

Holy cannoli, it's Friday again! I swear each week I say I'm going to write earlier in the week, but the days fly by and here I am at Friday again. It's been crazy around here. The end of the school year tries to kill me every year, I swear. This past week included a baseball game, a concert in a hayfield and all sorts of things that the schools and teachers are cramming in at the last second.  On top of that, this is week 3 of whatever I caught. The youngest caught it from me but he didn't get the cough and it seems to be clearing up for him. I'm better, but I still have a cough sometimes during the day and at night. I'm also just plain exhausted. Combine all of this up and this past week has been a total wash for me getting new steps in place.

I'm still doing really well with my mornings. I've taken to eating 2 oatmeal packets each morning and while they're in the microwave, I go out, grab my watering can, bring it in, fill it up, and go out and water my front porch garden. I bought some more plants last weekend but I've had zero time to get them into pots. I'm hoping against hope to somehow find some time to do that over the weekend. Maybe that can happen Sunday evening. Saturday is baseball, followed by the youngest's concert with the MSBOA District 10 All Star Jazz Band. Sunday morning/afternoon will be taken up by him doing dive training and the oldest and I working on exam prep.

Since I'm going to be all over the place and controlling what I eat, etc is going to be incredibly difficult, I've decided to give myself the weekend off and start fresh on Monday. There's no point in me adding in more things this weekend to keep track of when I'm still frantically trying to sort out everyone's schedules and if my ex-husband is going to be available to help if I need it. Stress helps no one.

So, here's where I am...I'm slowly building up a morning routine that so far is really working for me. I'm still trying to get in 3 meals a day. Come Monday, I'm going back to tracking food and working on keeping within 100 calories of what the My Fitness Pal app says I should be eating. I also think I'm going to change my weight loss goal within the app to something like 2 pounds a week instead of just 1. Time is ticking down quickly for my doctor's appointment so I'm also contemplating the conversation that I want to have with her. I want her to partner with me, not bully me.

Oh! I also got really brave and posted about my concerns in a fitness group that I'm part of. The people who commented were really encouraging and I might have one or two new fitness buddies to help me on this journey soon. I guess we'll see on that!

Until next week, this is one tired me who just wants to survive the last week of school signing out...

Making Progress

....and I'm back and it's only been about six days or so! Go me!

Okay, enough of that. Let's get serious. Or not. I really don't know where this post is going to go, I just felt as if I wanted to write something, so here I am.

Last post, I talked about babysteps to getting healthier, not slimmer, but healthier. One of those steps was to get back into the habit of taking my medicine. I am one of those people that absolutely suck at remembering to take pills. If I leave them on the bathroom counter, they will never get taken. I know this. I know I'll go into the bathroom and think I need to take that before I leave...and then I'll leave and won't take it. That's just me.

What does this mean? It means that I keep 2 pill bottles on the corner of my living room stand right by where I sit. They're almost always in my line of sight (unless a cat knocks them off) which reminds me that I need to take them. This won't work for everyone, but it works for me. It's worked well enough that since the last post, I haven't missed taking either my blood pressure medication at night or my allergy med in the morning. Is it helping? Honestly, I have no idea but other than being sleepier than usual, it isn't hurting so I'm going to stick with it.

I've also started logging my food intake again. I'm not pushing myself to make changes, just be aware of what I eat. It's step 1 in the healthier eating plan. Be aware of the "values" of things. It's also helped to start getting me back into eating 3 meals a day. I have a really bad habit of either over-eating or under-eating depending on where my mood is. This helps me to regulate that which I think is really going to help.

My plan for this coming week is to just keep doing what I'm doing. It's a really good start and I'm really pleased with my progress with it. I'd love to get out and start walking again but until the pollen count drops a bit, it's safer for me indoors. I don't need to be knocked out of action for a few days due to one walk around the block. Allergies really suck.

So, that's me this week! T-minus 42 days until I go in for blood work, 49 days until my doctor's appointment. I do have to go in next week to get my depo shot done so I'll be stepping on the scale then to give me a starting number for the weight loss. I don't have a scale at home (and I do have really slanting floors) so I'll probably only be weighing in every 3 months when I go in for my shot. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but off the top of my head, I don't know of a better way to do occasional weigh ins. Something to ponder, I guess!

I hope you're all having a great week!

Health and Wellbeing

I don't post here nearly as much as I should and I guess that's because life happens and I stop focusing on my weight and that journey to frantically try to keep all of the other plates spinning.
That's life though, isn't it? Just when we think we have things under control, something happens and suddenly we don't.

The last time I wrote here, I had no way of knowing that a mere month later, my world would come crashing down and I would go into a state of mourning so deep that just getting out of bed each day was a challenge.
But, here we are again and I've made a decision. While the name of this blog is Welcoming Weight Loss, it doesn't have to just be about weight loss. After all, so much of what goes into getting into place where you can safely lose weight is making sure that there's a balance in other areas of your life as well.

Nobody panic. I'm not going to start writing about my kids or my day to day life here. I do think though that from time to time, there will be posts about health in its many forms. Some of you realize that I have mental health issues that I deal with. There's also just life balance. When that's out of whack, it's so easy to just let things slide and if you're me, it's me that gets put to the side.

So, where is this all coming from? Well that's an easy answer. I've been thinking lately that it's past time for me to start taking care of myself more. The weather is getting nicer (when it isn't cold and raining...gotta love Spring in Michigan!) and the house is slowly coming to order. Those things are helping clear the cobwebs from my head (some) and so I decided to go and get my prescriptions refilled. I haven't been taking anything for a while and decided that needed to change.

Except, the pharmacy said they didn't have anything on file for me. It seems I'd used up my refills a while ago and nobody had told me. So, I went online and requested more refills. Easy enough, right? Well it would have been except my doctor's office called and insisted that I set an appointment to have a physical. Ugh. Like 90% of the world, I'm horrible about going to the doctor even when I am sick. To go when I'm not sick...yeah, that almost never happens. Still, I reminded myself about taking care of me and that means sucking it up and going in. Appointment set for June 28th and yesterday, I picked up my prescriptions (one was missing so I need to follow up on that).

I don't take a lot of medication but one of the things that I am supposed to be on is a blood pressure pill. Between my stress levels and my weight, my blood pressure is high. So, phase I of getting my health back to being a priority is to start taking that pill again. I took the first one last night and that's a good first step. Now, I need to get into the habit of taking one each night before bed. I can't take them during the day because they put me to sleep. Phase II is happening a bit alongside phase I. I'm continuing to get my kitchen in order so that I can cook proper meals and not rely on what's quick and easy and usually totally processed.

This is going to be a long haul but I'm hoping that even with these small steps, I won't get totally chewed out at my doctor's appointment next month. It sucks a lot to go into the doctor's office and have your doctor tell you that they're about to give up on you because obviously you don't care about your health. That's what happened the last time I went in...I left really hurt because I'd actually started making changes and had lost about 10 pounds. This time, perhaps I'll stand up for myself if she doesn't see what she wants to see. I guess we'll see...