I'm back?

 You may have noticed that I haven't been here in a while. Something happened that made me question why it is that I write here. The thing is that I write because ...well, it's a way for me to track my life. But, that doesn't really matter. It's not the reason that I'm here today. Today I want to jot down what's happening with my health.

Last doctor's appointment went well. She's happy with my numbers (which I'll list below) but she'd like me to lose another 20 pounds by August. That doesn't seem like a lot, I guess, but to me it feels like a lot of pressure and when under pressure, I want to eat. Eek. With less than three months, I decided I ought to get going doing something. 

So, today I decided to start walking. I'm not only badly out of shape, but I also have trouble with my right leg. Honestly, I was excited and nervous at the same time. Still, not doing it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I received an email that some stickers that I ordered were ready so I decided my first challenge would be walking to the mailbox. For those who don't know/remember, my mailbox is a good block away and I thought that might be a good starting distance...plus...stickers!

It was tougher than I'd like to admit. My hip started hurting about halfway there, but I kept pushing through. I didn't stop on the way there, but I did stop on the way back to rest for 30 seconds or so and then pushed on. Grand total? 550 steps. 

That number seems so small, but I keep telling myself that we all have to start somewhere. It may be a small victory, but it's my small victory. I'm still trying to decide if I want to walk every day or every other day. It's not worth walking to the mailbox every day but maybe I could work up to walking around the block. One step at a time...literally...

Speaking of numbers, here they are. Please remember that they're from my last doctor's appointment on May 4th.

Weight: 301 (down 20 pounds since November)
A1C: 6.3 (down from 8 and then 6.8)

So, there we go. I did it. I walked. Now, I'm going to work. 

Weekly Update: Medication Haze

 My brain feels so weird today and I know this post/day is going to be a challenge to get through, but I'm going to try my best.

Last night, for the first time in months, I took my medication. I took it around 10 pm and went to be around 11. I had plans to read, but I was just too tired so I went pretty much right to sleep. Except, I didn't stay asleep. I lost track of the number of times that I woke up or changed positions. At some point, I realized that the right side of my face hurt...like sinus pain...that triangle between right eye, right ear, and right sinus. I think around 8:30 this morning I gave up and came downstairs. I took migraine medicine because I now had a full blown headache and some allergy meds. I laid down and managed to get a couple more hours of sleep, so I'm not totally exhausted.

I do feel...slow though. That's the only way I can think to describe it. My fingers are flying across the keyboard typing this, but I feel as if the rest of me is moving in slow motion. It's a weird feeling and not one that I especially enjoy. I have things to get done today that I really don't want to push off until tomorrow if I can at all help it.

Last night I sat down and wrote out a weekly schedule for myself. Today I'm working on getting started with it. I'm going to have to be fairly flexible with it though because I need to grocery shop before Saturday which is the day I put it on the schedule. I'm also waiting on phone calls from my son's specialist because between them and where he does his physical/occupational therapy, they can't seem to get it together and need me as a middle man. It's rather annoying. 

So, the schedule...it's my hope that between having that as a guideline and the medication, I'll be more productive and get myself back on track with things. After all, it'd be good to do that before I fall through the kitchen floor. I keep feeling as if I missed putting something on there, but I included: house cleaning, client work, and writing time. I did leave a lot of space on each day's list though in case I remembered something as I go through this week. 

God, I know these segues are awful and I am so sorry. This slow motion brain just is not working for me. Here's hoping it adjusts quickly and I can go back to "normal" so far as this goes. But hey, let's jump to the next thing...

The boys came over Saturday and we all drove to Okemos and had lunch at Old Chicago. Total cost for a Chicago style pizza with 3 toppings? $8.88 because I had a birthday discount of $17 off a pizza. From there we went to East Lansing to Grand Traverse Pie Company and I got us all slices. Total cost? About $8.50 because mine was free for my birthday. So, for less than $20, we all ate and were nice and full after. Plus, the company was pretty priceless.

When we got back to the house, Roger carried the a/c unit that I had in my car to the barn for me. It's a small step towards getting my car cleared out. If it doesn't rain every day this week, I'm going to try to go out and finish up cleaning out the front seat. I think I have car cleaning supplies in the trunk that I can even wipe down the upholstery and such. There's also a car wash here in the village where I can go use the vacuum to sweep it out. Again, baby steps. A lot of this will depend on the weather and brain fog, but hey, all I can do is try.

I think I'm going to leave this at that. I want to do another quick post where each day this week I monitor my body's reaction to the medication. I'm not really sure why, but that feels important to me...

Love you all! Stay safe and take care of yourselves and each other!

PS I still hate the new blogger. 

PPS I'm sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Blogger is broken and not acknowledging them which makes these posts hard to read. 

Bonus Post: Just Because

 I have no real solid reason for writing here this morning other than I have some time to waste and I don't want to clean. The boys are supposed to come over today so we can hang out and go get some pizza with a birthday coupon that I have. Typical to them though, one of them tried to get the other two to make a plan and the other two didn't. Ben has called me already this morning and let me know that his brothers are still asleep. Yep. That sounds about right. Nobody knows when Dylan is working. It could be noon or it could be four. Either way, I don't think he's going to be able to come. I guess we'll find out when everyone finally wakes up. I told Ben to wake them up once his clean clothes that he was waiting on are out of the dryer. That lets them sleep until ten.

In other news, yesterday was a crazy up and down day for me. I was working on a client's book and totally into it. It was the first time, in a long time, that I really took joy from reading. It felt so good. Then, Rob posted about still not having someone to go to the drive in with him, and I just crumbled. The stupid thing is...I didn't even have any kind of massive desire to go see Rocky Horror. It's a movie I watch once a year for Halloween and I'm good the rest of the year. It was that horrible feeling of being trapped and desperately needing in person contact with someone else. Touch starvation is a very real thing and I am 100% suffering from it. 

On top of that, none of my favorite streamers that I'd been looking forward to all week were on last night. Two of them were having minor medical issues and I don't know where the third was. It's not real human contact, but usually I interact with all of them so it kind of is. I did get to watch the cute Father of the Bride 3-ish which helped lift my spirits. Then, I finished the client's book and the ending made me cry. It was the perfect ending to the series as it stands now. I can't tell you why or it'd give away spoilers, but if you're looking for a book series, I can recommend the Godsverse series by Russell Nohelty.

Earlier in the day, he'd asked if I'd work on a comic for him. Since this time of year is tight and I've wanted to work on his comics for a while now, I said yes. What I didn't know until much later in the day was that he's having me proofread Ichabod for him. This feels huge to me and made me feel like somehow maybe it's all going to be okay. I can't explain that connection, but I was excited and happy and it was wonderful.

So, that brings us back to today. I'm sleepy, as usual, and struggling a bit to regulate my mood. I want to talk to Rob, but I don't want to be the one always texting him first. I haven't been yet, but I don't want that to happen. Maybe that sounds stupid, I don't know. I think it's part of the rebuilding trust between us. I need to know that he thinks of me and remembers I'm out here, not just when something bad happens, but any time. I sent him a flirty text yesterday and he never responded which while I can "make excuses" as to why he didn't, it still hurts a tiny bit. Not huge, but it's there. 

Yesterday, when I was sitting here crying, I actually thought to myself that I wished he hadn't appeared back into my life. God, that sounds so horrible, but my current reality is that having him back in my life, but not feeling like I can just contact him whenever (without being annoying) and not being able to be anywhere near him is kind of horrible. Like it hurts. When I'm struggling, like yesterday, I can remember how nice it can be when we're together...and it's not a comfort, but something that hurts. On a good day, I can have those same memories and smile. I don't know. Brains are so complicated. 

It doesn't help that "the man" still isn't talking to me. It's now been 11 days. He promised me that he'd never do this again. Hell, we even set up a "safe word" so that if he were going to, he could say that to me and I'd know and know that everything was okay. Every day I expect to get an email or text saying that we're over. That's cheery, eh?

In other not man related news, tomorrow night I'll be starting back on my medication. I'll reassemble the "drug bowl" sometime tonight or tomorrow. I've also been working on making sure that I'm in bed between 11 and 11:30. This allows me to read a chapter or two before I fall asleep. Yep, I gave myself a midnight bedtime. Due to the kittens I'm not getting a great full night's sleep but it's better than if I just let myself stay up to all hours. I was up later last night because I was so hyped about working on Ichabod that I didn't realize how late it had gotten. Still, I've been doing pretty well at it and I'm finally making progress on the book I've been "reading" for something like two months now. Baby steps, right?

I had three goals and I really think that getting this one going will help the other two. It's a journey, but a journey is just a long walk made up of single steps. Steps one and two are my medications and getting into a sleep schedule. I'm working on those and that's good. I'm hoping it will help me with some "stinking thinking" and envy issues as well. I hate being unhappy about someone else's success (a certain blogger/artist who wrote about her mental health, disappeared, and came back to much excitement and a book) or someone else's support (wife of a friend who had to have surgery and has him there to help and support her). Okay, so those people will never be me. I will probably forever only have me to take care of me and hell, nobody really reads here, but maybe one person does and they can relate and maybe it will make a tiny bit of difference in this hell that we currently call life. 

I guess time will tell. For now though, children are awake though still not making a plan and I think I'll start work on Ichabod because work keeps my brain busy and not focused on how I'd probably cry if "the man" or Rob texted me and talked to me. Man, I feel so stupidly pathetic, even if there's actual scientific evidence that feeling like this is normal.

Love you all...

PS I have no idea why this is posting as one long stream of consciousness. I wrote it with paragraphs. Ugh! This wasn't a problem in the old style of posting.

When do you say goodbye?

I should be working. Instead, here I am again. I'm feeling really insecure today and I know why, no matter how much I want to ignore it. It's "the man." We've been together for over five years now. I've stood beside him as he fought for custody of his kids, decided if he wanted to stay married to his wife, and what feels like a thousand other things. I don't know though if he's stood by me. Honestly, I feel ignored and taken for granted. That's the problem when you love as hard as I do. People tend to figure out that you aren't going anywhere.

The first couple of years that we were together were great. We talked all the time either via text or email or sometimes both at the same time. At some point though, the emails stopped. Then, over time, the texts slowed down. He used to share ideas with me, send me pictures, and just be there whenever I needed him. I don't remember the last time he sent me a picture. I find out about his ideas via Facebook...and I don't remember the last time he told me that he loved me. He's never been one to say it frequently but I've never gone without being able to remember the last time. We used to fall asleep together, texting back and forth. Now he never texts me around that time unless it's every once in a great while to say goodnight. He used to always call me by a nickname that he had for me, now he never does. He used to tell me I'm beautiful, now he tells someone else.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I realized that even when I ask him for something small...like a photo or a message, that he never does it. Twice in the past month he'd told me he'll send me photos "soon" or "soon enough." He hasn't.

The past few days he hasn't even responded to my texts really. I send him a lovely one yesterday morning and he ignored it. Last night, when he'd posted to Facebook that he was done writing, I sent him a message. His reponse? "Writing" ...except you just said you were done. I told him I'd leave him alone. I haven't messaged him since. He probably won't even notice if all day goes by and he doesn't hear from me.

It's so hard. When we're physically together, things are so good between us. We talk about things. When we're apart, I feel like he forgets about me.

Then, there's Rob. I'm so damn insecure with that. I don't know what he wants. I mean, he's made it kind of obvious that he wants to go back to how things were, but how can we? He destroyed me. Even today, when I told him that I'm feeling insecure, he didn't respond. I can't do that. I can't be intimate with someone who can't be there when I need someone to tell me that I'm wonderful and they love me. Of course as soon as I say he hasn't responded, he responds. Thirty seven minutes, but at least he knew he had to respond.

I don't know. The only thing that keeps me with "the man" is knowing how good we are together when we're together, but with covid, who knows when that might happen again. I just wish he'd tell me that he misses me at least. It's a stupid wish, but it's my wish. I could tell him that I need more from him, but I don't know what good it would do. He may just ignore that and then I'd feel even worse.

If I knew I had Rob to help balance things out, it'd be so much better. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Except, in some ways, it really just is how I've come to work. I've long given up that I'll ever get married again. I don't know who could handle the semi-hoarding, the depression, the anxiety, all the time. I live with it and I annoy myself. Does that mean that deep down, locked away, there isn't a mad desire to have someone love me like that? Of course there is. All I've wanted my entire life is to be loved like that. I guess deep down I've never totally gotten over the idea that I don't deserve that.

Still, this past week it's become more and more clear to me what I want with Rob is the same thing that I wanted 15 months ago when all hell broke loose. It's not a "we're together when we're together" kind of thing, but a we're together because it makes us happy kind of thing. I want a partner...someone that is my safe spot, someone that I can do things with or do nothing with. I want not just a sexual partner, but an emotional one as well. I want someone who will tell me they love me and not just in the bedroom. I don't want to be a secret. I'm not saying we need to be "Facebook official" or even tell anyone about us, but if we're out, I want to be able to hold their hand. I want to sneak a kiss at the stoplight.

I don't want a husband. Not right now. I don't want to be physically with someone 24/7. I don't think it would be healthy for me or for another person. I'm not sure I can explain this properly, but I want to be with him when we can be, but when we're not, we're still okay and still us. We have lives of our own but those lives include each other. I don't need 24/7 communication, but I need open communication. I don't need to be "the" one, but I need to know that if someone else comes along, it won't mean that I'm kicked to the curb or left in the dark. Not again. I can't do that again.

In some ways, I've always seen us as two halves to a whole. We know each other and in the past, we were able to balance each other. Your soulmate doesn't have to be your lifemate. If we started with what we were before "the horror" but with what I thought we were when I last left him, that'd be amazing. If it moved on past that, well, that'd be what it'd be. I'm not going into anything with the hopes that it will turn into something more. I've spent too many years being alone and being told things could never be more in the relationships that I've been in. Like I said, I don't truly believe that I deserve that whole "happily ever after - white picket fences" thing. Most of the time I'm okay with that. I just want us to be okay, but okay together again.

Ugh. These are all things that I should just be telling him, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me how he doesn't want another relationship after just ending such a toxic one. I mean, it's not like that's unreasonable, but we can't go back to what I thought we had before. I need more. I need reassurances. Most of all, I really need a freaking hug and to be told that it'll be all right.

Edit: Well, I asked him. I sent him a text asking what it was that he hoped for or wanted. His response? He doesn't know. He didn't know if I'd even answer him. He had just wanted to apologize and explain himself. He did that...August 31st. I guess after that it was just easy to fall into old habits...I think I'm going to go cry now and then fill out this paperwork that I forgot to do yesterday. It's better than hyperventilating my way into an asthma attack.

Ch..Ch...Ch...Changes

Another month has flown by and I can't even tell you where it went. February in Michigan has been brutal with things like polar vortexes, icemageddons, and then a bomb cyclone. There was a lot of drama involving me attempting to get a fridge back into my house and a lot of time just being mom.

Now here we are, the last day before the end of the month and life hasn't slowed down even slightly. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at a jazz orchestra rehearsal. My youngest son has been a part of this audition only group for two years so for two years, I've lost about 8 hours each day getting him here and back...as well as the rehearsal time. He loves it and I love sitting in, even if it takes away from other things I could be...and maybe should be doing.

So, here we are and I'm trying to sort through the stuff in my head. Thank goodness I have all of you to talk to about things! It really does help me work through them.

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Nope, let's back up. On Monday, I took myself off to a hotel for an overnight stay. My water heater has decided it doesn't like hot water anymore and with the appointment coming up, I needed a night away and a long, hot shower. Best decision I've made in a while. Thank goodness for tiny tax returns which let me do that. I got to relax and rest up which I badly needed.

Then, yesterday, I went to see a plastic surgeon. If you know me, you know I have huge boobs. You'll also know that I'd rather not, but I'd never have plastic surgery for vanity's sake. They're causing me issues. My collar bone hurts a lot of the time. I never have straight shoulders. I'm always hunched over because of them. Boobs weigh a lot, guys. So, after my doctor asking me about it for over five years, I decided it was time. It took me almost 5 months to get this appointment.

The doctor was super nice, but basically laid it out that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it pre-surgery. If I do the surgery first and then lose the weight, the boobs will sag, and he doesn't think I'd be happy with them. The reality is that they beyond sag now and they're not close to symmetrical. Still, if I'm going to go through all of this, I do want to look down and be happy afterwards.

I left the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I wasn't hurt or upset by anything that he said. He couldn't have been nicer. He told me that if I wanted to go ahead now, he would do the full exam and proceed. He also suggested, that if I wanted, I could come back in six months and we could reevaluate everything. That would give me time to work on losing weight if that's what I wanted to do. If, at that point, I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be yet, we could put it off another three to six months.

I sat and cried because I'm so angry with myself that I've allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where I've gotten to the weight I am. I'm frustrated because I've dug myself into this deep hole between my health, weight, and house. I'm overwhelmed. I look around and don't know quite how to dig myself out. On top of everything, DHS took my projected income form for this year (which they required me to predict and which I am nowhere near making at this point) and cut my food stamps down to less than $300 a month for three of us. Luckily, Ben is off at school and Roger is busy with school and work and music, so isn't at my house all of the time.

Still, I have no idea how to feed even just me in a super healthy way with that amount of money. I'm sure it's not impossible and I'll just have to be incredibly careful about what I do buy. I'll have to tightly meal plan and stick with it.

I want to do this. I know I can do this. I'm also completely overwhelmed. I don't really know where to start. No, that's not true either! I'm full of arguing with myself tonight. I guess here's the tiny baby plan as much as it is:

1. Start logging calories using My Fitness Pal. Not so much trying to keep within what it's saying but logging so I can see where the problems may be.
2. Take the last bit of my tax return and order some glass water bottles for the fridge. I may not have hot water, but I do have water and a filter for the kitchen tap. This will allow me to not have to buy water and save a bit of money there while at the same time having a healthy drink option in the house.
3. Start talking with my tiny Facebook weight loss group about things. Support is super important.
4. Continue taking my medication. Last night I started back on a half dose of my anti-depressant and a full dose of my blood pressure medication.

Hmm...I guess it really is a tiny baby plan. That's all I've got right now.  I have six months to see how far I can get. I'm stuck without much exercise right now because I can't safely get out of the house and walk, but maybe in another month or two I can add that in. I do have a Fitbit, even if the rubber band causes my skin to react. Perhaps for my birthday (in 6 months), I can ask for a leather band for it to help alleviate that problem. If I can make some changes around the house, maybe I can start walking from one side to the other...I figure it'll only take a few hundred trips to make a mile..heh...

For now though, it's one baby step at a time. If anyone knows of some low impact exercises I can do at home that don't require a lot of space, please let me know! I'm still getting over a sprained ankle and what I suspect is a pinched nerve in my elbow, but I'm willing to try new things.

Take care of all of you!

Current Weight: 313.5
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 1

From Chaos to Contained

From Chaos to Contained - My Mind, My Life

I sat down nearly two hours ago because I wanted to write here. The problem is that I had no idea what to write about. My brain kept circling around a problem that I'm having that I can't figure out a solution to and sadly, it's something that I can't really write about here. Then, inspiration struck!

Okay, that's dramatic. It's more like I was sitting on the couch, staring through my laptop as I tried to figure out what to write about and suddenly I remembered that my laptop has the sticky notes feature. I love this feature but somehow I go months without remembering that I have it. Tonight, I remembered and I figured out a way to make it work for me. Yay!

Last week, I wrote about my idea for "themed" days to help me focus on what needs to get done. In the time since, I've let the idea sit in the back of my head and not really done much with it. My oldest read my post and told me that he liked the idea and thought that it would really help. This week he's here with me and today we got to work on it. I spent the day working on various site(s) and hanging out with him. It was nice to get that stuff done, but I realized that my memory issues have been getting a bit dodgy lately and I kept feeling as if I were forgetting something I should be doing. Enter...the sticky notes!

The desktop on my laptop. I need to do an icon clean out!

I sat down at my laptop and created a sticky note for each theme. Then, on each one I listed the theme and any/all tasks that need to be completed on that day or for that project. The nice thing is that these are easily to make changes to if I need to and I can view them any time where I'm not sure what I should be doing. I plan on doing my weekly planning each weekend and whenever I sit down to do that, I'll be making sure that these are updated for the upcoming week.

Doing this tonight made me realize that chaos has crept into other areas of my world and so I'm going to be sitting down as soon as I can to work on a similar system for those areas. The one that my brain keeps coming back to is my writing. I need to finish Nevermore and then come up with a plan for future books. It's time that I stop flying so much by the seat of my pants and have a plan. I've always worked so much better that way, but for whatever reason, I have't applied my need for order to my writing. I need to work on that.  It's time to take the chaos that is my world and bring it back in order. It's time to go from chaos to contained ...a place for everything in my world and as much of it as possible in its place.

Sometimes the solutions to things are the very things staring you right in the face...

Changes Have to Happen

This sounds brave, right?

I promised all of you an update after I'd seen the doctor so I'm back! It didn't even take me two weeks! I know you're as proud of me as I am about that.

The appointment actually went really well. I intentionally set it with the nurse practitioner because she's a bit more laid back than my doctor. I guess even a couple of months ago I had my suspicions that my results this year were going to be a problem.

I went in and the first thing she touched on, of all things, was my birth control. I swear that there isn't one that doesn't have some sort of issue. After three years, I went off the depo shot because that's the limit before studies have shown bone density loss. I went onto the patch because I really do need something that's more set it and forget it. It turns out that there's a higher chance of blood clots with it so I need to watch for swelling, redness, and warmth in my legs. Really, a girl cannot win with these things.

After that, she touched on my cholesterol levels. While they've always been high, they jumped about 50 point in this past year. That's not really good. We discussed the idea of putting me on meds while I worked on the diet side, but the risk calculator didn't put me at a high enough risk that she felt it was worth it.

I talked to her about how I'd already started making small changes...like not buying chips or cookies anymore and making soda a treat and not a regular thing. She seemed impressed that I'd already started working on things. I also talked to her about how I'd lost weight in the past (Does anyone remember my Mamavation days?) and how I'd done it. We came to the conclusion that accountability seems to really work for me. She suggested getting involved in something like Diet Bet, but I don't really have the extra funds available right now. I really appreciated how she talked about how she'd done it with her sister over the winter. I never felt lectured which was such a relief.

I got through my pap smear, talked to her about how I think my allergies are affecting my one eye (and got something to try out for a couple of weeks to see if it helps), and came away with a reminder to schedule my mammogram and they're going to work on finding a surgeon that accepts my insurance (another issue for another post).

So, to recap. No leukemia. No liver failure. I'm not dying but I do have to make some diet and life changes.

The other day, I talked about some of the first steps in this process. Today, those steps seem so much more important because two people that I've known through my time in the comics industry have died in the past two days. Both of them had weight issues and while I don't know if those issues played a role in their deaths, I know that they probably didn't help.

I'm taking today to work on a meal plan for this coming week and to make a list of tools that I'm going to need to help. I know for sure that I need a new scale. My old one broke ages ago and while I have no intention of becoming obsessive about weighing in, I do need to do it about once a week to mark my progress. I'm also going to need a few things in the kitchen.

Remember how I mentioned accountability earlier? One of my friends and I have started a support group on Facebook. It's going to be a place where we can support each other, share tips, share recipes, and ask questions. It's all about working together for all of us to get healthier. If you'd like to join, you can find it at Welcoming Weight Loss. I'm also going to work on posting here more often and at the bottom of the posts, bringing back:

Previous Weight:
Current Weight:
Change in Weight:
Average Water Consumption:

It's going to take a while to build these habits, but every journey starts with a single step...or blog post.

Health and Wellbeing

I don't post here nearly as much as I should and I guess that's because life happens and I stop focusing on my weight and that journey to frantically try to keep all of the other plates spinning.
That's life though, isn't it? Just when we think we have things under control, something happens and suddenly we don't.

The last time I wrote here, I had no way of knowing that a mere month later, my world would come crashing down and I would go into a state of mourning so deep that just getting out of bed each day was a challenge.
But, here we are again and I've made a decision. While the name of this blog is Welcoming Weight Loss, it doesn't have to just be about weight loss. After all, so much of what goes into getting into place where you can safely lose weight is making sure that there's a balance in other areas of your life as well.

Nobody panic. I'm not going to start writing about my kids or my day to day life here. I do think though that from time to time, there will be posts about health in its many forms. Some of you realize that I have mental health issues that I deal with. There's also just life balance. When that's out of whack, it's so easy to just let things slide and if you're me, it's me that gets put to the side.

So, where is this all coming from? Well that's an easy answer. I've been thinking lately that it's past time for me to start taking care of myself more. The weather is getting nicer (when it isn't cold and raining...gotta love Spring in Michigan!) and the house is slowly coming to order. Those things are helping clear the cobwebs from my head (some) and so I decided to go and get my prescriptions refilled. I haven't been taking anything for a while and decided that needed to change.

Except, the pharmacy said they didn't have anything on file for me. It seems I'd used up my refills a while ago and nobody had told me. So, I went online and requested more refills. Easy enough, right? Well it would have been except my doctor's office called and insisted that I set an appointment to have a physical. Ugh. Like 90% of the world, I'm horrible about going to the doctor even when I am sick. To go when I'm not sick...yeah, that almost never happens. Still, I reminded myself about taking care of me and that means sucking it up and going in. Appointment set for June 28th and yesterday, I picked up my prescriptions (one was missing so I need to follow up on that).

I don't take a lot of medication but one of the things that I am supposed to be on is a blood pressure pill. Between my stress levels and my weight, my blood pressure is high. So, phase I of getting my health back to being a priority is to start taking that pill again. I took the first one last night and that's a good first step. Now, I need to get into the habit of taking one each night before bed. I can't take them during the day because they put me to sleep. Phase II is happening a bit alongside phase I. I'm continuing to get my kitchen in order so that I can cook proper meals and not rely on what's quick and easy and usually totally processed.

This is going to be a long haul but I'm hoping that even with these small steps, I won't get totally chewed out at my doctor's appointment next month. It sucks a lot to go into the doctor's office and have your doctor tell you that they're about to give up on you because obviously you don't care about your health. That's what happened the last time I went in...I left really hurt because I'd actually started making changes and had lost about 10 pounds. This time, perhaps I'll stand up for myself if she doesn't see what she wants to see. I guess we'll see...

Good Intentions

I had the best of intentions tonight. I got off the phone after talking to a friend about how I'm wanting to use an upcoming trip to England (September 2016) as motivation for me to get healthier. After all, travelling and tourism is much easier if you're smaller and healthier. Just talking about it, got me excited and so I decided that instead of waiting until tomorrow when I'll drive past my mailbox, I was going to get my shoes on and walk down there.

Yay for good intentions! Boooooo for the ten gazillion mosquitoes that were outside waiting for me! Holy heck, Batman! I stepped off the front porch and got about halfway down the block. I was thinking, "You know, it's really nice out tonight. Maybe instead of just down and back, I'll go up a block and get a bit more walking in."  I got about four more steps and the mosquito attack began. I was swatting and smacking and smearing and generally not enjoying myself. As I paused to open the mailbox, they took advantage and started attacking. I managed to get the junk mail (dang it, no books!) out and started hurrying back up the road. It didn't matter though. They were determined that I was going to be their next meal. I looked at the back of my arm at one point and had no less than ten of them on me. They were swarming all around me and as much as I wanted that walk, I wanted to be away from them more.

But hey..maybe I only made it there and back, but that's a great step in the right direction! I could have waited until tomorrow and stopped by in the car, but I didn't. I know it's small but hey, as people keep telling me, single steps start journeys and that's what this is. It's not a race. It's a journey.

So, instead of driving to the mailbox, I'll start walking and I'm also going to be working on kicking my soda habit. It's gotten really bad and I know why. Sugars = woohoo to the brain which when you're bipolar 2, the brain gets very happy about. I need to stop though. It's not healthy for me and getting the water back into my diet will help with a lot of things.

Day #2 - I've got this. ;)

Starting Over... Again

I've lost track of how many times I've started and stopped this dang blog and taking care of myself. Honest to goodness. I don't even have a clue now. I swear that I write a post and suddenly nearly a year zips by and here I am again.

Now, here's the part where I tell you this time will be different..yada yada yada.. but the truth is, it may not be. Of course, it may also be. Who knows, right? A lot has changed for me over the past few years and I haven't really told anyone this, but my doctor is really on my case about my weight. I have to go back and see her in about two months and I know that she's going to ask me if I went to the weight loss clinic (which I have no intention of really going to because the want to shove a liquid diet in my face and prepare me for surgery). The reality is that I know I can do this on my own. I don't need a liquid diet or fancy surgeries. I need to deal with the core of my issues, why I eat and why I eat what I eat.

I need to take care of me and this is the area that keeps coming to mind. You see, every year, on my birthday, I choose a goal to work on for the following year. I've done mental health, physical health (namely the issues with my sinuses) and other things. There is only one real criteria. They have to be specifically for me. They're not allowed to be about anyone else, not even the boys. This year, I've been going round and round with two things and my weight is one of them. The other is my dental health. I have terrible teeth. I always have and on top of that, as part of my omg I'm overwhelmed by life thing, I got out of the habit of taking care of them.

So, this year, I've decided to be a bit of an overachiever, and yet, they all tie into each other. Here's the other thing..other than here and at Life With Katie, I don't really intend on posting about this or even talking about it. I'm doing this for me and any posts about it will be done for me. That probably sounds more selfish than I usually am or perhaps as if I don't feel as if I need support. I can't really comment on the first one other than to say well yes...but that's the point of this. To "selfishly" do something for me. As for the second point? Well, here's the thing..writing tons of posts here is great and I will always welcome and appreciate any comments, but I am truly blessed right now with some great people in my life and I know that if I need them, I can turn to them.

Now...I've mentioned multiple goals and I'm going to lay them out here, even though only one is really specific to this blog...

1. Weight Loss - I currently weigh in at approximately 310 pounds. I'm not going to put a number goal on an entire year, but I'd like to get down to where I have more energy and I'm generally healthier again.

2. Dental Health - Taking better daily care of my teeth and then getting myself to the dentist for help with the rest, even if I am terrified and I know it's not going to be pretty.

3. Taking Better Care of Me - This is #1 and #2 combined as well as little things like finding a way to get a hair cut when I need one, taking time to relax with a game or a book or whatever fits my fancy, and who knows, maybe even bringing back Time for Me Thursday for the other site. I just need to take better care of me...This also includes continuing to work on my over thinking/over worrying/over stressing issues.

4. Creating a Home - Last but just as important as the others is the continued work on my house. In the past month, I've hauled out a ton of trash and almost as much to donate to Goodwill. I want to continue on that path until I have a home that I'm proud of and don't mind inviting people over to. I want to get it to the point where if Phil comes around, we don't have to go to a hotel unless that's what we want to do. I want the boys and I to be able to both use and relax in the space.

There we go. My four goals for the coming year. Technically my birthday isn't until September 23rd, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason to wait. Instead, I'm starting with this post. Pretty soon I'll write up one for the other site, but for now, this is going to be our little secret...me and anyone who may wander across this post.

For tonight, I'm starting with all of the goals in a really simple manner. I'm going to go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and while I'm in there, I'm going to clean the mirror. If I do some little thing every time I walk in there, the room will be looking fantastic in no time and it will make me smile to walk in there. Smiling when I walk in there will lead to a more relaxed, happier me. Sometimes everything feeds into some other thing.

Dear Tony...

Dear Tony,

You don't really know me. We've only spoken once or twice. You're probably not even sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I'm writing it because I think you understand. You get it and because you get it, I feel as if I can open up and share things with you that others won't understand.

Tony, I weigh 310 pounds. I wasn't always this way. When I was a child, I was the one that everyone said would never gain weight. I would always be skinny. Then, I started to gain weight. By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 180 pounds. I was made fun of because of that and because most times I had to wear the same pair of jeans more than one day a week to school. My family didn't have a lot of money and I was being raised by my grandparents who had grown up during the depression. I never told anyone about the anonymous notes left in my locker or even in my mailbox at home. I was never athletic, I didn't snack but I didn't turn down second helpings either.

When I went to college, I developed an eating disorder. I barely ate. I don't believe that I did it for looks. I did it because it was tied in with the mental health issues that I wouldn't have an official diagnosis for until I was 37 and said enough is enough. I didn't mind not eating though because soon, my clothes fit better and I believed the lies that my mind told me that skinnier was healthier. Before I went home after my freshman year, I was down from a size 16 to a size 12 and I loved how I looked. I mourned the weight that went back on because at home, I couldn't not eat.

By the time I dropped out of college halfway through the next year, I'd lost all that weight again. I'd also ended up in the emergency room for what was later ruled nothing more than a stress attack. Fast forward a year and now I'm 20...I skipped periods, gained massive amounts of weight (I went up 3 to 4 clothing sizes over a few months) and had other issues. My doctor sent me to an ob/gyn who took one look at me and said you're obese, this is why this has happened. She never listened to a word that I said. It wouldn't be until I was 38 that I would be diagnosed with PCOS.

Three pregnancies (the first leading to a miscarriage at 17 weeks), a divorce and what feels like a lifetime later, here I am at 310 pounds. I always swore I'd never break that 300 barrier, but I have and I'm scared. I know that I need help but I really and truly cannot afford it. You see, my oldest son has cerebral palsy and I've been diagnosed as Bipolar 2. Both of those have prevented me from finding a job outside of the house. I do some editing when jobs come up, but let's just say money is tight and there is no wiggle room. I don't go to Starbucks or order pizza. I drive a car that's older than my oldest and he's 14, nearly 15.

However, for the first time, I'm not using these as excuses. Yes, I get food stamps. No, it's not really enough to feed our family, but I do my best to find sales and I'm making changes to healthier options. Last night, I made a weight watchers recipe for tortellini and it called for adding a bag of frozen stir fry veggies to it. I'd never even thought of that as an option! It was delicious and I felt good that what I was making was healthier than pizza rolls or some other processed food option. I can't afford a gym membership, but I can walk around my village. (Yes, villages do still exist.) It will get cold soon, and I expect I'll have to switch to workout videos, but I have some and I have a way to play them. Some people don't have that.

I am also blessed that I have friends who have done this, who are doing this, or who are just plain awesome so that on the days when I'm struggling and feeling like this is impossible (which my doctor pretty much told me that it was and that I should consider surgery), I can reach out and they'll either encourage me, kick me in the butt or do both. I'm making small changes that will last a lifetime. I can do this. I won't have my children left without a mother or my future grandchildren left  without a grandmother to spoil them and love them. I won't be the person whose early death is being mourned, like someone else I know who recently died due to obesity. He was only 30.

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this...and I want to say thank you. Thank you for your posts about yourself. Thank you for being a cheerleader in the fight against obesity. Thank you for helping people get past excuse hell to what the hell was I waiting for. Thank you for being you.

Fear

Fear is something that we all face at some point or another in our lives. For some of us, it's something that never seems to go away. For others, it's a flash in the pan, a blip on the radar and as fast as it was there, it's gone. For most of us, we land somewhere smack dab in the middle.

I was talking with a friend the other day, about something that had nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with my life and suddenly I realized that I've been living in complete and total fear. It's been with me for so long that I no longer even acknowledge its presence, but bring up something that the fear has been masking and woah boy, there it is, rearing up its head and looking around at who to bite. Yep, fear not only has a tight grip, but it has a poison bite, the kind that can paralyze a person.

It's paralyzed me for so long that I no longer realized that I was no longer moving. I've been saying for months that I want to lose weight and yet, what have I really done about it? Sure, my water intake has increased..sometimes. Sure, I've eaten better...sometimes. I've grown frustrated with feeling stuck. It wasn't until that conversation that I realized that not only was I experiencing fear in that area, but I'm also experiencing it when it comes to my body. That fear has held me captive and until I handle it, I won't be able to move forward.

So, what am I afraid of? That's the bottom line, right? If I know what I'm afraid of, I can figure out a way to deal with it so I can move on. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I discovered that I have a whole list of fears when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to list them and then maybe we can talk about possibilities after...Ready? Here we go.

• I'm afraid to fail at losing weight.
• I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm going to die at a young age or develop serious health problems.
• I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm setting a horrible example for my children and one of them struggles with his weight already.
• I'm afraid that losing weight won't change how people see me. 
• I'm afraid that if I lose weight, my self-esteem will drop even further because I'll still be invisible or everyone's friend.
• I'm afraid if I lose weight, I'll be more vulnerable..that I won't have my weight to use as an excuse anymore.

Lots of fears there and I can already hear some of you telling me that I need to lose the weight for myself, that I need to love myself and believe myself and all of that. Yep, I know all of that. I don't need anyone to tell me that. Knowing something may be half the battle, but the other half is knowing how to deal with that knowledge. I've spent most of my life feeling as if nobody wants me. I've hid behind my weight. When you're fat and guys aren't interested in you or people tell you that you would never come across as sexy, part of you can shrug and say well yeah, it's because I'm fat.

So, what happens if I lose weight and get down to that magical number that everyone thinks I should be at and nothing changes? That's one of the fears that I'm facing. It's something that I've given myself one or two stern lectures over. I'm still that little lost girl sometimes..the one that just wants to hear that she's beautiful and who gets a piece of the attention instead of being lost in the background. That's who I am and that's something that I will probably spend a long time working on. That's okay. It's who I am right now and I'm healing. I'm rebuilding. 

Acceptance is important when it comes to fears. Let me clarify that. It's not important that you accept your fears, but it is important that you accept yourself for who you are right now. After all, that's the person that you have to deal with as you face your fears and as you continue to grow into a better version of yourself. 

Remember how we talked about bottom lines above? Well, here's the true bottom line for me. Which set of fears is more important? Set A, without a doubt. I cannot live a life and be the best mother that I can be at the weight that I currently am. I cannot teach my children how to nurture their bodies and to be the best people they can be if I'm not doing that myself. Yes, I'm still afraid that I could lose 100 pounds and walk into a room and nobody notice. It wasn't so long ago that I sat in a room listening to someone talk about how far they had come with their weight and had forgotten my own struggle. 

That's all okay though because at the end of the day, a journey isn't really a journey without some struggle thrown in. I think it's called a walk in the park, maybe a quiet stroll.  My journey involves mountains, rivers and sometimes even international borders without a passport. I just need to know that I can do anything if I can just tell my fears to go take a hike while I hike in the other direction. 

Now, before I go, I want to talk about one other fear that I have. It's the fear of asking for help. I was raised to be the person who took care of everyone else and it was made clear that my own needs weren't all that important. Even though I'm an adult now, I still haven't gotten past that fear that if I reach out to someone, I'm going to be slapped down. That's a fear that I want to tackle and I'm going to ask all of you for your help. I don't care if you've lost 5 pounds, 100 pounds or gained 10. If you have any tips or advice that you can share, please do so. Maybe you found an awesome recipe last week or you're trying a new workout program. If so, drop me a comment. The great thing about support is that if given, it's also so often received in return. I know some who have lost amazing amounts of weight and I'm going to try to step outside of my comfort zone and nudge them for some advice, especially on those days where I'm just stuck. There's absolutely nothing so wonderful as a pep talk from a friend, right? Right.

So here we go again. I have no idea what I weigh and I don't plan on stepping on the scale tonight. What I do plan on doing is taking those fears one at a time and giving myself the needed love to conquer them as I focus on what changes I can make to become the person that I deep down, really want to be.

Sleep well, my friends...

A day late, but for a good reason!

Folks, I have never been so happy to sit down and write a post here. I can't even begin to describe the smile on my face this week. Before I even attempt to explain why, let me tell you why I'm a day late this week.

It's because...*drumroll* ..I spent yesterday putting in a new kitchen floor with the help of someone amazing enough to help me! I have just one row left to put in and then it will be all done and I can organize everything and start cooking again! I am soooo excited about this! Plus, it just looks awesome.

Now, back to the topic at hand...hehe... Wow, what a week. My water pipes froze (and are still frozen!) except for the hot water going to my bathtub. So..how was my water last week? Awful! I managed to do 2 bottles a day right up until that happened. Then, because I was also snowed in, I switched to bottles of smoothie that I had in the fridge and drank one of those a day. It wasn't quite 48oz but I figured it was liquid and pretty healthy so better than nothing. Once those ran out, I switched to orange juice. Sheesh, talk about a challenge but I still got in the amount of liquids and it wasn't in the form of hot chocolate, soda or anything else that's super awful for you.

Plus, the cat is now out of the bag, so I can tell you my new plan for exercise! After listening to my friend, Rob, go on and on and on and on...well, you get the point...about how much he loves roller derby and skating and how it's saved his sanity more than once, I got gutsy and decided to try it out. Now, I know that those of you who know my penchant for falling off of things and tripping over my
own pajama bottoms are thinking dear lord, she's gone and finally completely lost her mind. Once I actually put my feet in the skates, I thought the same thing along with placing mental bets with myself on how long it would take before I broke something.

I am happy to say that not only did I not break anything, I only fell down once and it was only to go down on one knee! Granted, it was the knee I've had problems with, but no real damage done. On top of that, I had so much fun, even if I completely sucked at it! I am learning from scratch, after all. I didn't expect to be any good at it. So, this is what I'm going to be doing from now on. There's a rink about 25 minutes away that does free skates on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Well, they do them a couple of other times but they're busy then and I'd rather go when they're not. Plus, someone told me about another rink about 45 minutes away that's supposed to be a million times better. Dang it, I think I might end up getting hooked on this! I suppose there are worse things to be hooked on though, right?

The best part?  I know that even though I only went back and forth in this little maybe 10 foot area (while holding onto the wall), I know it was exercise. My legs, abdomen and one arm were pretty darn sore yesterday. Then, I worked in the kitchen and trust me, getting back up off the floor was a challenge. My knee didn't hurt but it sure didn't want to go back up after I went down.

I guess this means that I'm adding exercise back into my weekly routines. I won't be able to go skating every week because the boys aren't interested and spending time with them is more important to me. However, since the one rink is in the town they live in, I might start taking them back early on Sunday afternoons and getting in one hour of skating. Then, there's the gym that I mentioned last week. Financially it won't be easy, but I'm thinking about getting a membership and going over there twice a week to use their equipment. I really wish that I had closer options but that is one of the downsides to living in the middle of nowhere. If I get the membership, that will mean that I'm working out four days a week on the weeks that I go skating. Wow! I hope I'm ready to add in such a big goal!

Speaking of goals, here are mine for this week:

• 2 bottles of water each day - I bought 2 gallons of water to help with this.
• Make final decision regarding gym membership.
• Research 2nd skating rink.
• Finish the kitchen to make progress towards healthier cooking.
• Complete garden planning to make progress towards growing healthier foods.

I think that's it! I hope everyone has a great week! Please, feel free to leave comments or drop me a line on Facebook. I have a fan page there that maybe we could all start to putting to some use! 

Starting Weight: --------

Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -2.8 lbs

Total Weight Loss: -4.4 lbs

Daily Water Average: 32 oz (of liquid, not necessarily water)

Starting Over - It's All Part of a New Me

Today is the start of a brand new journey...or another chapter in my ongoing journey. Really every day is a new page, every year a new chapter...

Today though, I start over. I've spent the past 9 months taking care of me in other ways. I got brave and I went to the doctor and told her to "give me the works." My pap and breast exam came back clean. My cholesterol was high so I was put on meds for it. She sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist who determined that I need sinus surgery and my tonsils out. I'll be calling tomorrow to schedule that because one way or another, even if I have to beg someone from Canada to take me and then put up with me for a few days, I will get it done. I'm tired of waiting. She asked me about breast reduction, which is something that I will most likely also be pursuing. The one thing that she didn't badger me about was my weight. Yes, it was commented on but there were more important issues...like my mental health ones. Since then, I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and Bipolar II disorder. I'm on a low level anti-depressant to help.

All of this allowed me to start regaining control in other areas of my life. Slowly, but surely, I have tackled rooms in my home and created functional spaces that we all appreciate. I'm not quite at the halfway point, but I'm still moving forward. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my children...one who can shut off the voices that demand that there are a million things to be done and allow her to sit down and play video games or even make plans for the future with her children. My house is cleaner, my van is 2/3 of the way clean (the cold and snow got me before I could finish the center section) for the first time in years, my barn has even come a long way. I planted things this year and delighted in watching them grow and caring for them. I've watched my boys bloom in ways that as a mother delight me and scare me all at once (after all, they are both teenagers now). I've come a long way.

Now, it's time to take back control of my weight. I just spent a week with one of my closest friends on the planet. I've watched from a distance as he's dropped the weight. It wasn't so long ago (not even 2 years), that I stood in his house and listened to him go on about how amazing I looked because of the weight I had dropped and how wonderful we were both doing. I didn't hear that this time. I heard how amazing his weight loss journey was and is...and trust me, I don't resent that even one tiny bit...it really is amazing how he's done and I am so, so proud of him. However, I didn't hear him tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful or look great. Even when I wore special things for him, he didn't even notice.

I should clarify that the reality is that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with my weight but it hit home with me. Just like it hit home to hear it stated that there were doubts that I could climb stairs or even walk any amount of distance. I'm so isolated from the world here that I had forgotten what it felt like to have assumptions made about me due to my weight. It hurt. It wasn't meant to. It was a comparison in his journey from where he was to where he is..and a warning to me that it might be difficult. Still, it was a harsh reminder of how far things have come with me...

and the truth is...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being seen as less than I am because of what I weigh. I'm sick of not being seen as sexy, but only as intellectual. I'm proud of my brain, but damn it, a compliment now and then or being told I'm sexy certainly wouldn't hurt. I'm sick of my own excuses. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of it all...and more than a little angry. I'm angry at myself and in this journey, I've found that when I get angry, I make changes. There's nothing wrong with a good healthy anger so long as it's pointed in the right direction.

So tonight, I let it point me in the direction of the scale. No matter what number it said, I wasn't and I'm not beating myself up over it. It's a number. It's a starting point and it will change. The next time Rob sees me, he's going to see less of me. He's going to see less of me and maybe he won't notice, but I'll know and at the end of the day, it's my health and my life...

It's time to make some changes and tonight, I start with the first round. In no particular order, the following are happening:

• I'll be weighing in each Monday morning to track my progress.
• The last of the soda has been drank (the boys and I had the last of it for root beer floats earlier today) and I won't be buying any more.
• Each morning I'll be filling my water bottle and each week, increasing the amount that I drink each day...starting with just one bottle and building my way up.
• I've moved my medication to my bedside table so I have no excuse not to take it if I forget before coming up for the night. 
• I'll be reaching out to friends who have lost quite a bit of weight for advice and recipes.
• Starting next week, I'll be meal planning again to help get my eating habits back under control.
• I have an idea for some exercise but it's still in the planning stages and I'm not quite ready to reveal what it is.

Not huge steps, but ones that keep me on the right path and that get me going again. I don't expect to drop 150 pounds overnight, but I do expect to drop it. I can do this. If there are those along the road who will help support me and encourage me, it would mean the world, but even if I'm in this alone, I know I can still do this.

The Numbers Are In...

So, it's Monday and here I am. I had thought I might write something in between, but it was just one of those weeks. You know the kind..you have all the greatest intentions but somehow the week just gets away from you and before you know it it's Monday again. That was my week. I'm going to be honest here because if I can't be here than how can I be anywhere else?

This last week was not about weight loss or getting healthy. Monday was awesome. I watched my youngest son win his first wrestling match and I was so proud of how strong he was (he was wrestling with a beat up toe) and how healthy he was. Due to his athletics, he's the only one in the family who doesn't struggle with weight issues. 

Tuesday and Wednesday were just days. I got distracted from my water and didn't get in my ounces. Thursday came the news that the same healthy kid now had pink eye and a nasty cold. Somehow that stopped me in my tracks. I have no idea why. Friday came along and I picked up the boys but wasn't feeling 100% myself. Sure enough, by Saturday I had a similar cold and the sinus pressure has had my jaw/tooth aching ever since. Drinking cold liquids just makes it worse. Great excuse, right? Well no. There is such a thing as warm water. 

So, last week just didn't happen. I'm disappointed in myself but refuse to beat myself up for it. Life happens, mistakes happen. You just have to pick yourself back up, dust off your bottom and try to do better. Really that's all you can do. 

This week I've decided to add in a second goal. No, my water intake has been far from perfect but this is one that I think I can do without too much trouble. Sleep. The truth is that I have an odd sleep schedule. Well, most people who know me think it's odd anyway. I tend to stay up until 3am and then sleep until 10 or 11. I know that, in theory, that's 8 hours of sleep a night. The truth is that its not so much working for me anymore. I need to start adjusting that. When I sleep until 11, it doesn't give me time to ease into my day when I have to be out the door around 3:15pm. So, starting this week, I'm moving my bedtime up. I'm not doing it in major leaps because that just leads to me laying in bed staring at the ceiling. So, my goal for this week is to be in bed by 2:30am every night. 

Sleep and water. I can do this. Now to get rid of water retention and all the ick that goes along with being a girl...and this blasted sinus pressure. I can't live off of motrin alone.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  288 lbs (yes, I actually stepped on the scale this morning!)
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
Workouts: -----
Average Daily Water Intake: 30 oz (Seriously need to get back to this!)

I Need to Believe

I'm going to start this post out by asking for forgiveness. I know that you might find that strange, but I feel like I have so many things that I want to talk about and my brain is jumping from one to the other and back again so I cannot promise that this posting will be entirely smooth flowing.

Let's start out with the negative. It's always best to clear that out of the head so that you can move on. So, here's my negative...I feel like I'm losing a competition that in all reality doesn't even exist. I am a part of this amazing group of women and I see what they're doing and a part of my brain keeps saying, 'You're so far behind. Look what they're doing. They're meal planning and you're way back on just trying to be hydrated. There's no way you can be as awesome as they are.' Wow, huh? The things that we do to ourselves sometimes are so far worse than what anyone else can do.  None of these amazing women have ever made me feel less because I'm barely at the starting line. This is all entirely in my head and yeesh, it needs to go.

In other negativity news, I've just been a whirling bundle of emotions the latter half of this week. I can't really get into the details but trust me when I say that it's the kind of thing that can just sink a person. I desperately need to talk to a certain someone but as always, finding a time that works for both of us is proving difficult. I'm working hard on taking a deep breath and just continuing to move with life until that can happen. Being so emotional had totally led me to the path of emotional eating which completely and totally sucks. I need to not be sabotaging myself like that. It just turns into a hugely negative cycle and yeah...

Now, let's look at the positives..Did I mention that I'm a part of this amazing group of women? Watching them grow and learning from them is such a blessing in my life. I know that I'm not where they are, but they love me anyway and love, acceptance and support are so important. Who knew when I started my weight loss journey that I would get to know and love such amazing women from all over? Someone must have because we've all come together and it could only be because we're meant to be.

Warning...brain jump ahead...

I don't have a number for this post. I know that I said I would, but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment because I had a sick kiddo. It's now scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. As much as I hate to weigh myself outside, I think I've decided to put my scale by my front porch and weigh myself on the front deck. It's probably not totally level, but it's also probably going to be more accurate than anywhere in the house. I have an end goal number in mind and I need the accountability of the scale. It won't be a daily weigh in, but a weekly one.

I also haven't quite figured out the whole working out thing yet. Now that the boys are back in school, I won't be going to anymore wrestling practices so that rules out walking the hallways. The bonus is that the new season of Biggest Loser just started. While I don't always agree with how they do it or anything like that, watching people shed the pounds is motivational to me. Two seasons ago, before everything fell apart, I started walking during the show. I think that I'm going to start doing that again. Any physical activity is better than no activity.

Speaking of bits of activity, I've also started bathroom push ups again. I know what you're thinking..what the heck is she talking about? Back when I was very serious about losing weight and was actually dropping pounds, I used to do push ups in my bathroom every time I went in to use it. I would close the door and do as many wall push ups as my arms could stand. I'm happy to say that since I'm drinking more water again, I've done 45 push ups tonight. Yes, they're against the wall but who cares? My arms are feeling it and that means the muscles are working. Working muscles are good muscles.

And...I guess that's my very disjointed check in. I'm struggling but I'm still moving. I just need to tell myself and to believe that I can do this. I can drop the 138 pounds that I want to drop. I have to believe in me and right now, that's my biggest struggle. My head is saying no, you can't..well brain, actions speak louder than words and one tiny step at a time, I will do this. I can do this.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  -----
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
New Weight: -----
Workouts: Wall Push Ups
Average Daily Water Intake: 60 oz (Yep, I did it!)

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Day 1 of the get my butt in gear challenge has begun. Ok, it's not really a challenge and has little to nothing to do with my butt, but it sounded good, right?

Tomorrow is my first official weigh in. I don't know how often those weigh ins will occur because while I have a perfectly good scale, I have a perfectly rotten house for weighing in. It has carpet in every room and the floors aren't level. Since I don't want false yays or boos, I have to figure out how to work around this challenge. The easiest way would be to weigh in at the doctor's office, but since I don't intend on being continually ill, that's not going to work for more than my first weigh in. So, tomorrow I go to the doctor's for my post surgery appointment. It honestly should have happened at least a week ago, but with sick us, I had to reschedule it. I'm fairly certain that he'll give me clearance to start working out again and basically wave his magic doctor's wand and say be gone. I can't really see why he'd need further follow up with me.

Right. So that turned into a small tangent. I am totally in oooh shiney syndrome mode today. Let's see if I can get myself back on target. What I was going to say when I started writing this post is that two things are going to happen today and I want to tell all of you because we all know that putting it on the internet makes it true, right?

Thing 1: Water. I have completely and totally slacked off when it comes to staying hydrated. As someone who is pretty much chronically dehydrated, it's even more important that I jump back on this one. I know that some people can immediately just start drinking 100oz or more a day, but I'm not one of them. However, I do have my pretty pink water bottle and a rubber band. The bottle has notches in it and for each bottle I drink, I'll move the band up one notch (yes, this is my own high tech invention). For the rest of this week and the weekend, my goal is only 3 notches a day. If I babystep my way into these changes, they're far more likely to stick.

Thing 2: Wrestling practice is boring. Seriously. It is the least interesting practice to watch short of tennis, maybe. However, I noticed last night that there are multiple people who go up and run laps in the halls during practice. While I am by no means ready to start running, there's nothing that says I can't start walking right? After all, Tony says that he started with a minute on the treadmill. If he can start at one minute, maybe I can start with one lap. So tonight, I'm wearing my sneakers to practice and I'll do that one lap. Who knows, I might even go for 2!

PS I've made an new healthy journey friend...stop on over and say hi if you get the chance. Support is so key!