Sunday, May 4, 2014

Fear

Fear is something that we all face at some point or another in our lives. For some of us, it's something that never seems to go away. For others, it's a flash in the pan, a blip on the radar and as fast as it was there, it's gone. For most of us, we land somewhere smack dab in the middle.

I was talking with a friend the other day, about something that had nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with my life and suddenly I realized that I've been living in complete and total fear. It's been with me for so long that I no longer even acknowledge its presence, but bring up something that the fear has been masking and woah boy, there it is, rearing up its head and looking around at who to bite. Yep, fear not only has a tight grip, but it has a poison bite, the kind that can paralyze a person.

It's paralyzed me for so long that I no longer realized that I was no longer moving. I've been saying for months that I want to lose weight and yet, what have I really done about it? Sure, my water intake has increased..sometimes. Sure, I've eaten better...sometimes. I've grown frustrated with feeling stuck. It wasn't until that conversation that I realized that not only was I experiencing fear in that area, but I'm also experiencing it when it comes to my body. That fear has held me captive and until I handle it, I won't be able to move forward.

So, what am I afraid of? That's the bottom line, right? If I know what I'm afraid of, I can figure out a way to deal with it so I can move on. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I discovered that I have a whole list of fears when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to list them and then maybe we can talk about possibilities after...Ready? Here we go.


  • I'm afraid to fail at losing weight.
  • I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm going to die at a young age or develop serious health problems.
  • I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm setting a horrible example for my children and one of them struggles with his weight already.
  • I'm afraid that losing weight won't change how people see me. 
  • I'm afraid that if I lose weight, my self-esteem will drop even further because I'll still be invisible or everyone's friend.
  • I'm afraid if I lose weight, I'll be more vulnerable..that I won't have my weight to use as an excuse anymore.
Lots of fears there and I can already hear some of you telling me that I need to lose the weight for myself, that I need to love myself and believe myself and all of that. Yep, I know all of that. I don't need anyone to tell me that. Knowing something may be half the battle, but the other half is knowing how to deal with that knowledge. I've spent most of my life feeling as if nobody wants me. I've hid behind my weight. When you're fat and guys aren't interested in you or people tell you that you would never come across as sexy, part of you can shrug and say well yeah, it's because I'm fat.

So, what happens if I lose weight and get down to that magical number that everyone thinks I should be at and nothing changes? That's one of the fears that I'm facing. It's something that I've given myself one or two stern lectures over. I'm still that little lost girl sometimes..the one that just wants to hear that she's beautiful and who gets a piece of the attention instead of being lost in the background. That's who I am and that's something that I will probably spend a long time working on. That's okay. It's who I am right now and I'm healing. I'm rebuilding. 

Acceptance is important when it comes to fears. Let me clarify that. It's not important that you accept your fears, but it is important that you accept yourself for who you are right now. After all, that's the person that you have to deal with as you face your fears and as you continue to grow into a better version of yourself. 

Remember how we talked about bottom lines above? Well, here's the true bottom line for me. Which set of fears is more important? Set A, without a doubt. I cannot live a life and be the best mother that I can be at the weight that I currently am. I cannot teach my children how to nurture their bodies and to be the best people they can be if I'm not doing that myself. Yes, I'm still afraid that I could lose 100 pounds and walk into a room and nobody notice. It wasn't so long ago that I sat in a room listening to someone talk about how far they had come with their weight and had forgotten my own struggle. 

That's all okay though because at the end of the day, a journey isn't really a journey without some struggle thrown in. I think it's called a walk in the park, maybe a quiet stroll.  My journey involves mountains, rivers and sometimes even international borders without a passport. I just need to know that I can do anything if I can just tell my fears to go take a hike while I hike in the other direction. 

Now, before I go, I want to talk about one other fear that I have. It's the fear of asking for help. I was raised to be the person who took care of everyone else and it was made clear that my own needs weren't all that important. Even though I'm an adult now, I still haven't gotten past that fear that if I reach out to someone, I'm going to be slapped down. That's a fear that I want to tackle and I'm going to ask all of you for your help. I don't care if you've lost 5 pounds, 100 pounds or gained 10. If you have any tips or advice that you can share, please do so. Maybe you found an awesome recipe last week or you're trying a new workout program. If so, drop me a comment. The great thing about support is that if given, it's also so often received in return. I know some who have lost amazing amounts of weight and I'm going to try to step outside of my comfort zone and nudge them for some advice, especially on those days where I'm just stuck. There's absolutely nothing so wonderful as a pep talk from a friend, right? Right.

So here we go again. I have no idea what I weigh and I don't plan on stepping on the scale tonight. What I do plan on doing is taking those fears one at a time and giving myself the needed love to conquer them as I focus on what changes I can make to become the person that I deep down, really want to be.

Sleep well, my friends...

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