Weekly Update: Stressed

 I'm not going to lie. I'm stressed and not feeling well. Tomorrow I have to go back to see my doctor to discuss all things diabetes and me. I've been trying to eat better and keep track of my carbs. I've failed in there a few times, but overall, I think I've done well. I'm concerned that somehow I'll have gained weight instead of lost it. I'm worried she's going to make me start testing my blood at home. I've never been one that's good with huge changes and all of this feels really huge. She's not having me do a blood test before I come in so I don't know how she'll know if the medication is working well or if any changes that I've made have helped. 

Part of me is 100% freaked out again and part of me is trying to tell myself that knowledge is power and that the more I know, the faster I can work on fixing this. Right now, the first part is winning. When I went to see the dietician, they gave me a packet of papers to read through. I flat out told myself at that point that I would put that back until after the 1st because I knew the basics and really needed to focus on those and on the holidays with my kids. Well, guess what...today I have to read through that packet. It's just a bunch of papers so I don't know why I'm so scared. Sometimes anxiety makes zero sense. 

I do think that the medication has helped though. When I sleep, I'm really sleeping now, not just drifting in and out. Of course, I'm also sleeping 10-14 hours at a time. Starting next Monday, I'm going to start setting an alarm to get me up earlier. One step at a time, right? I also find myself more clear headed and able to get things accomplished. I'm not on the couch all day fighting exhaustion. This is good. 

Still, I worry. It's hard not to get lost in that anxiety. I find myself having to tell myself that I have to do something, like take the trash to the curb. It's an effort because my brain is so focused on what might happen. Things are getting done though. Each night I've been writing a to do list for the following day and things are getting marked off on it which is good. I've been keeping spaces clean (the living room needs a bit of work) and progressing the kitchen. I've been doing laundry slowly...mostly because I have to wait for each load that's hanging to dry before I can do another one, but it's getting done. Clean clothes are nice. 

I'm finding that I can enjoy my evenings curled up on the couch watching tv because things have gotten done during the day. I'm not staring around, beating myself up, because I did nothing that day. It's nice. Today I'll be reminding myself that tomorrow is about kicking this to the curb and whatever happens, I'll deal with it once it happens. Worrying about it beforehand gets me nowhere. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me and take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Tongue afire...

 Man, I forgot to tell the fine folks at Subway to not add the additional Buffalo sauce to my sandwich after it was toasted. I don't mind the heat, but when there's that much on there, it drowns out the taste of everything else and leaves my nose running a bit...plus the mouth afire thing, but that doesn't so much bother me as much.

So, my little chickadees, how is everyone this week? Christmas is over and in theory, things have settled down. I say in theory because that's not so much the case here. I have a project that *must* be done in the next two days as well as another tidy of the living room and sweeping needs to happen. Now that I worked so hard getting it to okay, I want to keep it that way until I figure out how to downsize some more. I'll do a quick swish and swipe in the bathroom tomorrow so make sure that it stays up to par. 

I almost can't believe it, but I have two Christmas presents that still haven't arrived and show no sign of doing so any time soon. It's been eleven days since the last one's tracking updated and the other one was shipped without tracking. Hopefully they arrive soon. I've given up on my daily checks but will still check a few times each week. 

Christmas was good though. All the kids came over on the 22nd and we had pizza, watched a movie, and played Monopoly on the xbox. Then, the next morning, Molly joined us and we all opened gifts. I think everyone liked what they got. I didn't hear any complaints anyway. I got some great gifts...2 Lego sets, a new pan, and a Ninja Foodi Blender that we scored on clearance. I'm looking forward to having the kitchen in a place where my counters are clear and my floors aren't falling apart so I can use those last two. Now that the outside trash can is empty (again...that's 2 weeks in a row that I remembered!), I can haul out the Christmas trash and there will be room for more from the kitchen. It feels good to see so much going out and to see clear surfaces again. I really do wish I could figure out the living room. I know that it simply comes down to me having too many books, but I want to read them all...

Anyway, today Ben had his checkup at Mary Free Bed. He doesn't have to go back for six months and she's going to schedule him for a drivers readiness test to check his reflexes, flexibility, and all of that. We haven't told his dad and stepmom yet but while it scares me spitless to think of him driving, it's an important possible step in his independence. 

As for me, I have a doctor's appointment on the fifth. I need to message the office and see if I have to get more blood work done before that. I also need to do some research and find some meal options. I'm tired of what I've been eating and need to switch it up. 

That's all for today, I think...I need to get a move on before I run out of time for this project. Plus, I still have cats to feed, clothes to hang up to dry, and a never ending list like we all have. I hope your holidays were/are wonderful. Take care of yourselves and each other!

Weekly Update: Happy Holidays!

 Whew, we've made it to Christmas week. I can't believe that it's here already. This year has been so weird. On one hand, August seems like a year ago, but it feels like time is racing by at the same time. 

This past week has been okay. Nothing exceptional to report. I saw the dietician(s) for the first time and they want me to start carb counting and finding a way to exercise. I haven't done either mostly because it seems really overwhelming to add that in on top of everything else that's going on. I've decided to start next week once Christmas is over. 

I know that seems...irresponsible, but I've been good about my diet (or at least better) for the past few weeks. I am checking labels more and taking that into account. So, I'm not totally ignoring their advice. This weekend, I'll go over the packet that they sent home with me and try to use it for future meal prepping. 

Other than that, the past week has been about wrapping up my last projects of 2020 (one more to go) and cleaning the house. I've done the living room and while it's horribly cluttered, it is clean. After the holidays, I'm going to see if Roger will come over and help me load up things for Goodwill that are already boxed up. Then, I'll have to start another purge. 

The bathroom is done as well, other than the shower, which nobody will be using while they're here. Today, I have to tackle the kitchen and honestly, all I can say is ugh. It's a disaster and while nobody will be using it, the kids will be able to see in there and it's just not acceptable. The bonus of all of this? Once it's done, I can let the owner of the house know about one of the three big issues and get it fixed. The house will be good enough to have someone come in. I'll just have the laundry room to tackle and that's mostly mount washmore...

So, that's what I've been up to. Well, that and worrying that gifts won't get here in time. I already know that two won't be here which is so frustrating. I ordered everything in plenty of time, but the post office is so backed up. Heck, they aren't even scanning packages so I don't know where they are or when to expect them. I had one item ship from England on November 30th and there's no sign of it. It hasn't been delivered and the shop mailed it without tracking. I check the mailbox every day hoping that it's there and Dylan's big gift has arrived. So far, no luck on either. Ugh! 

I hate that two of the boys' main gifts aren't here. I hate that they're going to have to wait and watch others open their gifts. I'm holding out for a miracle that they get here tomorrow or Wednesday. For now though, I'm going to hang my few Christmas cards up on the wall and take my medicine before I forget. Then, it'll be time for round one of the kitchen.

Happy Holidays, everyone! Take care of you and each other!

Weekly Update: Blurgh...

 I'm late today getting this written. I  made a big mistake last night. I was wide awake, so I stayed up until something like 2:30am watching Death in Paradise because the newest season has finally hit brit box. Then, since it was so late, I decided to sleep on the couch. Big mistake. This couch isn't as deep as my other one was I just couldn't get as comfortable as I needed to get. I slept in 2-3 hour stretches and then Ben started calling around 8:30am. 

Oddly enough, I've only been a bit tired today which is good. What's bad and led to blurgh being the title is that my stomach is reacting to my medication today. I've not had one day where it hasn't but it's mostly been a bit of heartburn or a wave of nausea. I haven't had the rush to the bathroom stuff for a few days...until today. Blurgh. 

I even had the chance to be "bad" and pick up some pizza for dinner but it was so bad that the idea of food made me cringe. Now, I'm home, in comfy clothes, writing this post, and have no idea what I'll do for dinner. I have a few options, none of which sound good at all.

Other than that, I'm doing okay so far as I know. I don't have any medical stuff until next week so that's good. I do have a few files to "pretty up" for Anthony which will put a bit more money in the account which is also good. Ben "graduated" from OT today so I don't know when I'll be going into town, which is good and bad. I won't be seeing Ben until I don't know when. I'll have to make special trips for groceries, but I'll be home to hopefully get everything cleaned up for Christmas. 

That's my big goal. I want to have the downstairs (minus my studio and the laundry room) done for Christmas. I'm not sure what day we're doing it yet, but I don't want the kids to come in and want to leave immediately because it's so gross. 

That reminds me. I have three packages at the post office that I have to pick up tomorrow. I have no idea what they are. They could be comics from Kickstarter or Christmas gifts that I've ordered. I'll go pick them up tomorrow and then, depending on how far along the house is, I'll get things wrapped this weekend. I also have to write my Christmas cards. House first though. That's number one. Besides, I prefer to sit and wrap everything all at once and I need to wrap up my shopping. I know what I'm getting. I just have to get the funds and then order it. Easy peasy, right? 

For now though, I'm going to put the few groceries away that I bought during a spell when I don't feel like I'm going to heave. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

Weekly Update: Hanging in there

 I was asked this morning how I'm doing and all I can say is that I'm hanging in there. This medicine is kicking my ass...literally. Main side effects: nausea, diarrhea, heartburn...I feel like a pepto commercial except pepto makes me even more nauseas if I take it. It is slowly improving, but I up the dosage tomorrow which worries me that I'll be back at square one.

I got to the point yesterday where I just wanted to cry about not feeling good. I just wanted to be wrapped up in one of those hugs where you just feel safe, but of course, covid, so that's not a thing. Still, I've been trying to do what I can.

Yesterday, I moved the Christmas tree from the kitchen where it's lived for the past year into the "wall" (aka the office/studio). The lights that someone put on it (We bought it from Goodwill last year already covered in lights.) aren't lighting up, so over this week I'll detangle all of those, check to see which strands actually work and then decorate the tree. I do need to pick up some more ornaments. I can't get to mine in the barn and only have maybe 8 from last year on it. I'm stopping at Walmart today so I'll pick up some more ball ornaments and maybe a few others. 

I also finished my last client project that's been sitting on my desk. I ought to be looking for new ones, but I really want to take the time between now and Christmas to focus on the house and preparing for the holiday. If something comes along, I won't turn it down because we can always use the money, but I'm not going to go searching. 

I'm almost done Christmas shopping which is nice. I have one thing for Ben, one thing for Roger, a couple of things for Molly, and something for Dylan and I'm done. It sounds like a lot, but they're all small things except for Dylan, who has still not given me any sort of list. I've threatened him with buying him nothing but ramen, but that doesn't seem to be phasing him. 

I still need to rebuild my card list. Last year's list is on one of my external drives. I need to find it and update it for this year. I've had a few people say that they'd like cards so I need to make sure that they're on the list. 

Overall, things are slowly coming together. It's not easy, but I'm trying to push forward and keep making little changes where I can. I've switched to wheat bread and Dylan gave me his old fitbit versa so now I have that to keep track of my movement. It still sucks, but hey, at least I have it verified that it sucks. Plus, the dietician called and they want to set up an appointment. I have to remember not to go in defensive. They're there to help me. I just hope I can make some of it happen. 

Anyway, that's life here. I've been super blessed that Eric has been messaging me to make sure I'm okay and to talk things through with me. It helps a lot. I've told very few people about this so knowing I have someone to listen is worth its weight in gold...or his weight in gold...heh..It's hard not to worry that I'm bugging people with this, but I guess the bonus of not telling a lot of people is that I don't have many to bug...lol. 

Okay, time to get back to life. I have just about 2 hours before I have to pop into Walmart, take Ben to his specialist, and pick up part of Molly's Christmas gift. I think I might see if I can get any of those light strands untangled and off of the tree. 

Take care of yourselves and each other!

PS 11 weeks

PPS 321 lbs.

Weekly Update: Well, here we go...

 I don't know how many of you read my "bonus" post this week, but if you haven't, I've been diagnosed with diabetes. That's a scary sounding word, but my doctor has assured me that if I get my act together and eat healthier, exercise, and drop some weight, it's totally reversible. So, you'll probably be reading a lot for a while about my attempts at those things. 

It's tough because I can't afford to just replace everything in my fridge/pantry. I have to eat what's here. Still, as things go, I'm not replacing some of them. No more buying muffins or cookies, for example. I have quite a backlog of cereal, but once that's gone, I think I'm going to try overnight oats. Once the kitchen floor is fixed, I'll have better access to my stove which will allow me to do things like cook eggs for breakfast. Protein protein protein is apparently the new name of my diet game. 

Speaking of the kitchen floor, I've created another schedule for myself which allows for at least 15 minutes of cleaning each day. I figure with that, it won't be too long before I can notify the owners about that floor. With really needing the ability to cook again, it's more important than ever to get that taken care of. 

Mostly, I guess that it's important that I'm only freaking out a little. I've let a few people know and they've been super supportive. Rob pointed out that I have support and love as I work on making these changes. That's so important right now. I need to know that I have people I can turn to on good days and on bad days. I've posted vague posts to Facebook about a health issue but I haven't gone further than that. The posts didn't get a lot of attention but the comments were supportive which was nice. 

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, went to the post office, and read over my list of things that I need to do today. There are a couple that I'm pretty meh about, but I need to stick with this schedule the best that I can. That means packaging up books to mail and cleaning even if I don't really want to. Does anyone have any idea where I put the packing tape?

 

Weekly Update: A Day Early

 I hope nobody minds, but I'm writing this on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. My week feels topsy-turvy and I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done. So, instead of taking my usual down time tonight, I'm knocking a few of the easier to move around things out. 

The biggest things on my mind are a couch and a doctor's appointment. The couch currently belongs to my ex-husband and his wife. They're upgrading their furniture and I've been offered the couch. As I remember, it's not the most comfortable of pieces of furniture (which is why it's been in the basement tv area and not upstairs) but it also isn't falling apart. I guess mine isn't technically falling apart. It's just that the fabric over the springs has torn so the cushion gets shoved down between the springs. Still, a free couch to replace one that I'm constantly having to "fix" isn't a bad deal, right? The problem is that a) I love how comfy my current couch is and b) the living room isn't in "replacing a couch" condition. So, that adds more work to my first half of the week. That stresses me out because I know I won't have it done when the kids come with the couch. Why? I have to projects to get through this week.

Second thing? Yep. That doctor's appointment. Normally I don't fuss over them, but I looked over my blood test results and my glucose is really high. High enough that it could explain the constant fatigue. Crap. I'm still going to ask about a lung capacity test but clearly this is a big sign that I need to get my shit in order. I've been terrible this summer/fall with eating out/ordering in and having entire meals that are nothing more than milk and cookies. Covid depression craves comfort foods and comfort foods are so unhealthy for me. 

Now we just got news that we're going into a 3 week mini-lockdown here. I'm sure if I look at social media, people are already complaining. I'm already over it even though it barely affects me. It means no sit down going out for dinner. Well, maybe that's not such a horrible thing for me. I have no idea how to fix my diet, but I'm going to start with the obvious...no more buying chips, cookies, and muffins. I can't afford to not eat what's here, but at least I won't be bringing more in. I'll cut back on the sugary cereal as well. There are healthier options, I've just been ignoring them.

So, stress...blah...In other news, I finished writing and formatting Apo's Army last week. That's good. I have three stories written for Back to the Toy Store - also good. I haven't written anything in at least four days - not so great. I'm like 10,000 words behind for NaNo. This may be the first year in about five years that I lose. I just don't have the stamina mentally to deal with the stress and to come up with brilliant stories. I've put write 3-5 stories in my to do list for this week, but we'll see what happens. First priority needs to really be getting the living room ready for the couch. I'm so over the clutter in here. I'm starting to consider getting rid of an entire collection of books that I have on a shelf behind the front door. So many new to me books come in that I rarely go back to the older ones that I have. On top of that, I couldn't tell you one that I really long to read again. Clearing off that shelf would allow for me to possibly empty out a box or two of books just taking up space in my living room. I don't know though. I do know that I'm going to have the boys haul the not yet built bookcase out to the street on Wednesday. One of the cats scratched the hell out of the box and ruined the backboard on the book. These are super cheap shelves and I can afford to replace them when I'm ready for them. Until then, it's just more clutter that I'm tired of looking at. 

Baby steps, right? If I can keep getting rid of things, it will clear out in here. I wish Ben could come back out. He's such a huge help and motivator when he's here. If I didn't think someone would bitch, I'd ask the boys to take some stuff back with them to drop at Goodwill for me. I can hear a certain one of them complaining though. Ahhh well...I'll figure it all out somehow. 

And that's what's stressing me out. I can either do this or it will trample me but I'll survive, so either way...it's going to be what it's going to be.

2020 Birthday Wrap Up

 Okay, first of all, what the heck is up with sites feeling they need a brand new design? First Facebook...whose new design sucks and I have rejected it 11 times now. I know they're going to force it on me soon, but I will hold out as long as possible. Now it's Blogger. I really don't know why companies feel they have to fix things that aren't broken. Focus on adding features, fixing bugs, not redesign. 

There. Now that I have that off my chest, it's time for the annual birthday blog post. I used to do this over on Life With Katie, but since I've made that my author site, I felt here was a better place for it since it's not about writing goals or anything like that. 

Let's start by summarizing my birthday: the good, the bad, the summary style. 

The Good - First text of the day was from my best friend. I've missed him so damn much and he doesn't know that, but every time his text chime goes off, I smile. I cannot wait until we can be together again. That reminds me...I think I still owe him about 7 steaks.

A friend called and we were on the phone for nearly four hours. It was pretty awesome. 

I got an incredible weighted blanket from Justin. It has albino penguins all over it and I can't wait to use it. I also got taken out for a very late lunch/early dinner by my oldest and my "middle" child got to join us. (Middle is in quotes because he's my youngest biologically but the son we "adopted" is like 4 days younger than him.)

I got to pick a name for the name a cat poll on my favorite Twitch channel (Twitch.tv/Apoinsettia) and my name won! I'd like to welcome Sadie officially to the channel. I also got happy birthdays there, on the SeanLikesJazz channel, and on Discord. Plus all of the ones on Facebook and a new thrown in on Twitter. Super nice.

The Bad - "The Man" sucks. Yep. I'm not being nice on this. He pretty much blew off our anniversary and then yesterday? No text. No card. No gift. He didn't even respond to my text. In fact, he hasn't in 9 days now. What did he do? He posted to my Facebook wall: Hey you, happy birthday.  ...I wanted to respond, Hey you, we need to talk, but I didn't. I did send him a text last night saying that I was super sad that he wouldn't even text me on my birthday. Zero response. Big surprise, huh? 

Anyway, enough about that. I need to do something about it, but I also need to do a thousand other things...so...only other bad? No other cards or gifts. Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy, but it is what it is. I have a need to be validated on that one day a year and while social media posts are great, they're just not the same thing. Maybe next year I'll throw myself a card party...

The Summary - Not a bad day overall. There were some tears thanks to "the man" but there were also smiles and laughter. I'd give the day a solid 7.5/10. Only things missing? A phone call from my best friend, "the man" not being a douche, and a few more cards/gifts.

Now, for anyone who has read my past birthday blog posts, you know that I often use my birthday as a day of introspection and planning for the upcoming year. I usually pick something to focus on and set some goals. Why break tradition, right?

Focus: Mental health

Mental health can be the root of so many other issues. It can be why I don't take care of myself, why I don't do things or get things done. Ever since I had pneumonia and then Covid happened (to the world, not to me), I've struggled with all of this. I had such a hard time when I was sick that I stopped taking my medicine. I was coughing so much that I was throwing up and it just became easier not to take it. Unfortunately, as anyone who struggles with a medication schedule knows, once you mess up that schedule, it's so hard to get back to it. So, my taking my meds appropriately is step 1 of getting back on track. They should help me get to a place where I can start handling things that I've let slide again. 

Goals:

I'm keeping these simple. They need to be attainable so that I can achieve them and then set new goals. Nobody said you can only set goals on your birthday and new years, right?

Goal #1: Books

I want to have written and published two more books by the time my birthday rolls around next year. Apo's Army is already in progress and then I want to go back to the toy store. This is doable. 

Goal #2: House

Due to my mental health, I've allowed the house to get more than a little out of control. I need to reign that in and then over the coming year get some serious house fixes done. By done I mean letting the owner know there are issues. My main ones are: kitchen floor (hopefully within the next couple of weeks), furnace (November) and water heater/electrical (Spring).  I'm spreading these out so that the owner doesn't 100% freak out. I don't want to go another year without heat in the house though. Can it be done? Yes. Do I deserve to have heat? Yes. I just need to remind myself of that.

Goal #3: Car

This one seems kind of silly, but I want to clean out my car...like really clean it out, wiping everything down, etc and keep it nice. I'm so tired of it looking like I live in it or something. Next time I go out to it, I'm going to take a trash bag with me and just start filling it with whatever needs to go into the trash can. Front seats should be pretty easy. Then, I'll tackle the back seat. There's an a/c unit back there. Maybe when the boys stop by this weekend I'll get Roger to put that into the barn. 

So, that's it. My focus and goals for this coming birth year. They're small, but I think they're all really important. I'm off to actually write a post for Life With Katie. I've been so horrible about updating there. It's one of the things that I stopped doing in the Covid depression era. I need to get better about that.

Have an amazing day, all of you! You're much loved.

PS New blogger got rid of my entire list of tags. Argh! 

Life Update

This needs to be my reminder to myself this week. Kat Scratch Press editing has taken off to the point where I have four separate projects on my desk. I'm always so worried about letting people down that I'll work myself to exhaustion trying to make sure that they're happy. Part of the reason that I've moved these posts to Sundays is to make sure that my Monday are open for me to just sit and work if need be. Fingers crossed that I can hold myself in check this coming week.

As for everything else, things are going pretty well. When Ben was here last week, we cleaned the kitchen, sorted through his clothes, and then created a 3" wide (give or take, I suck at estimating distance) path from my bedroom door to my bed. Then, since I could now access my dresser, I purged that and all of the clothes that have been stacking up on my bed. In the end, I donated three bags of clothes to Goodwill and I'm nowhere near done with that room yet! It's crazy, but the big news is...I can now sleep in my bed for the first time in five years! That's a victory right there. The bed is made up with clean sheets and I've spent the past three nights sleeping up there. I'm not sleeping 100% yet but I'm adjusting to having an entire bed to sleep in. I guess you can say that I kicked that having the tv on habit because there isn't a tv in the bedroom. I still have the light on, but that'll go at some point. I'm just not quite ready.

Ben is coming back over this evening for a couple of days and I suspect we'll be tackling the living room in between bouts of me working on client work. I'm so looking forward to the point where this house is a place where I wouldn't mind my son's girlfriend coming into instead of waiting in the car while he runs in to get something. I'm really hopeful that by the time colleges let out for Christmas break, the house will be good enough for all of the kids to be here. That would mean a lot to me.

In other news, I finally received a blood pressure cuff and I've been using it for the past couple of days. My results so far? 123/78, 133/87, and 131/80. So, two of those were a little high but still below the mild hypertension range which is good. If it continues this way for the remainder of the thirty days, I don't think we'll need to adjust my medication. Perhaps if I lose some weight, that will help bring it back down.

I haven't been able to start the walking or the pool time yet. I've been so busy with everything else that I just haven't had the energy. I know that it's something that I need to do, but I just haven't gotten there yet.

I'm feeling a little stressed but overall, I think I'm handling things okay. I just have to keep going and making changes when I can. The bed thing is a huge one and I'm looking forward to clearing more of that room out so I can get more things put where they belong. One day and one step at a time. Ever Onward.

Health Update

Isn't that post-it super cute? I made it all by myself...Okay, well, with the help of a generator. As usual, it's been a while so I wanted to post an update, especially since I went and had my annual physical on Friday. Look at me almost being on top of things!

So, here we go...everything, for the most part, is okay. My weight is down 15 pounds from last year (now at 300 even), so that's good. I still want/need to keep working that direction. I spoke to her about my crippling anxiety at the idea of having to work outside of the house to keep my food stamps. She's given me an additional medication to try out to see if it helps. I need to go back at the end of September to see if it's helping. The other big issue is my blood pressure. She wants me to monitor it twice a day for a month to see if we need to tweak medication for there. Right now, I'm waiting for a prescription to be sent to the the right place for me to pick up the monitoring equipment. I'm a little nervous about that, but considering the panic attacks and big life changes happening around here, I can't really be surprised that my blood pressure is high. Still, better to monitor it and get ahead of it than not. They also want me to change back to a birth control shot because it doesn't have estrogen in it and with my age, they don't want to risk the higher chances of blood clots that can come with added estrogen.

Let's see...what's happening other than that?  On Saturday, we moved the boys into Michigan State for their first year of college. I managed to hold it together and not cry, but my mom heart is struggling. I keep wanting to message them to make sure that they're okay, but so far I've resisted. They know how to reach me if they need me. I figure I'll make it maybe to the end of the week, but I'll limit myself to asking them how their first weeks went.

As for me, there's been a pick up in my editing business which is exciting. I'm hoping to continue to see that forward momentum. If I can bring in $600 a month from that, I can stop worrying about having to work outside of the house. Fingers crossed! Very soon I'm going to try to see about getting to the pool. I've been waiting for school to start there so that they can hopefully get themselves sorted into a regular schedule before I jump in. I'm nervous about that too (hello, blood pressure!) but hopefully it's something that I can do. I really think that it will help with my knee joint problems. I just have to find the ...what's the word...strength to pull myself up and out of the house to do it. That's going to be the hard part...well that and not letting nerves get in the way once I'm there.

Fingers crossed, lots of deep breathes, and here we go?

I Need a Plan

If you've been here a while, you know I've been struggling for the past couple of months. My best friend broke my heart and unfortunately, his way of dealing with it is by not dealing with it. The man loves his avoidance and in the past, I've given in and let him off the hook when he's hurt me. I can't do that this time. I've come to respect myself too much, even if it's been two months and I'm still crying.

But, that's not what this post is really about. This post is about me. It's about the me that is struggling and the me that I want to be. It's about the me who has spent just over 24 hours in a hotel and gave herself permission to not do jack. Yep, that's right. for the past 24 hours, I haven't done a single productive thing and if I'm honest, it feels pretty wonderful.

Forever, or so it seems, I've felt guilty if I allowed myself downtime or time just for me. I only watch movies/tv with my kids or if I'm sick. Well, let me rephrase that. I only only watch them in those ways. Usually I'm doing something else at the same time. If I'm allowing myself to play a game, I'm also working through something in my head or making notes on something else I need to do.

For whatever reason, yesterday something clicked and I said, "You know what? You don't have to work. You were sent to this hotel to get away from the heat that was making you sick and yes, to do some writing, but how good will your writing be if you're completely burned out?" So, I've binged watched the latest series of Queer Eye, I've taken a nap, I've spent some much needed online time with "the man".  I've gone swimming...and that last one is kind of important.

I'm not one who has ever loved my body. In other posts, I've probably mentioned how I don't feel pretty or sexy. I feel fat and frumpy and pretty yuck. I need to lose about 100 pounds before I can have breast reduction surgery but it's really hard to lose weight when all of your major appliances have failed and you're struggling with depression. It's tough to cook/eat healthy and dragging yourself out of the house when the heat is a perfect excuse is hard.

Today though, I told myself to stop making excuses and to take advantage of the fact that there's a pool literally across the hallway from my room. I knew there weren't any kids in it because I would have heard them if there were. So, I got on my swimsuit, grabbed my towel and snuck over. Then, I spent 30 minutes or so doing slow laps. I don't do fast laps these days and since I fell getting into the pool (wet hand + damp hand rail + weak knee = oops!) I was trying not to push too hard. At the end of those 30 minutes, I'd done a lot of thinking and my arms were tired, but that good tired. The tired that I used to love when I swam regularly.

What did I decide? Well....a few things....

1. I need to get the house in order. I know that when I walk back into it, the depression is lurking there waiting for me as well as every thought of being a failure. Somehow, I have to push past that to start making changes. It seems minor, but I'm going to try to spend one hour each day working on the house...15 minutes in the living room and 45 minutes (broken into 15 minute chunks) in a different room each week.  I'll also take advantage of when/if the boys come over to get some of the bigger tasks taken care of.

2. I need to get me in order. I love the pool. I love swimming. It's an exercise that my doctor actually recommended. I'm not quite sure how to make this one happen, but I need to try. The community center in Hastings has a pool and I believe that they have open swim times and possibly even lap times. I've not looked into it because of my own self-consciousness...what will people think about this big, fat person in a pool? What if my slow laps hold up other people? Well, what if I never try and end up not able to get up off my couch? Priorities, right?

Anyway, I know they have a pool but there will be challenges. First, it's 30 minutes away (like near everything else) and I'd have to get some sort of membership and those aren't cheap. I don't know quite how I'll make it happen, but I'd really like to.

3. I need to get my business in order. I love what I do and I'm good at it. Somehow I have to get my name in front of people. I was thinking of running an introductory price special with a discounted price for new clients as well as those who recommend them. I'd also like to have business cards made up. I'm supposed to be going to a big comic convention in October and I think it might help to have a double sided card made up...one side having Geek-o-Rama on it and the other side having my editing/proofreading on it.

4. I need to get my finances in order.  They're not really out of order in the way that I have no idea what they are. I totally know what they are. They're non-existent. I need to start bringing money in so I can afford to do things like go to the pool, to pay off the fridge, to buy a new stove and microwave...and a thousand other things like paint for the living room. Life costs money and I don't have money. For the first time since my last failed attempt at getting a job, I'm considering applying for a job at the "local" gas station once the boys are safely installed at college. It scares me spitless, but I have to do something.

I publicly stated a goal of $600 a month in income this past week and I believe I can do it. I just don't know how fast I can do it.

The other option is believing all those people who keep telling me that it's okay to ask for help and set up some sort of funding type thing to help me get back into a position where I'm on safer ground and can take on more myself.  Honestly though, I have a really tough time believing that people would put in towards it. I remember how hard it was to get people to pledge when we had a gofundme to help send my youngest on a science research trip...and we had reward tiers. I have a KoFi set up now and in all the time that I've had it, only 2 people have used it.

I honestly believe that people don't understand what it's like to have a mental health issue that does its damndest every day to try to keep you from living. They see me...have heard me talk about the struggles of being poor ...and they're just plain tired of it and believe I should have sorted all of this out by now. I admit that I could be wrong and nobody thinks that at all, but it is what I think.

5. I need to get the people in my life in order.  That sounds harsh, but if being mostly away from social media for a couple of days has taught me anything, it's that it stresses me out far more than I had realized. I was on for 5 minutes earlier, just scrolling, and could feel the tension climbing back into my neck and shoulders. This means that I need to start culling people from my list. There are those there who give absolutely nothing of value to my life, but that stress me out whenever I read their posts. They need to go. It's not personal...no wait, it is personal. It's personal to my health and well-being and that's really what I need to be focused on. Quality over quantity and all that.

So...those are my swimming thoughts...Now I have to figure out how to make all of that happen. One step at a time.

Update: A membership to the community center to use just the pool is $20/mo or $200/year.

Little Victories = Big Anxiety

They say that the smallest victories can lead to the biggest results or that success is just a series of small victories. That maybe true, but for me, right now, my series of small successes/victories has led to some seriously high anxiety. 

Let me tell you about my week...

On March 28th, I signed my first ever comic contract. It was for a book that I've already done two issues on, but to be asked to sign a contract to make it official an all of that felt like a really big deal and it made me feel good that the creator really appreciates the work that I do for him.

On April 2nd, I spent all day, literally, creating a resume and cover letter and then sending them off for a job that could be a good thing for me. I haven't had a job outside of the house in twenty years and my hands were shaking as I sent the email. The idea of working outside of the house is scary for me. The outside world can be scary for me, but I did it anyway. I pushed past the anxiety at least to a point where I could send it.

Today, I went to the dentist and made it through an appointment without being given nitrous. Again, to most people, not a huge deal, but I get horrible anxiety for a lot of medical things. At my surgery consult last month, I actually caught myself disassociating while he was speaking to me. Today, I got through the appointment. I was lightheaded when I sat up from the anxiety, but I got through it.

Last week, I came up with this idea for an anthology and people really seemed to like it, including someone who is so good at putting together anthologies and who is a talented creative in his own right. Honestly, I was in shock. I guess I don't put a lot of value on my "silly ideas".  I'm slowly getting better at finding the value in what I do as a proofreader and even as a writer, but I still very much question a lot of me. Anyway, I approached this person about partnering with me on the project and to my surprise (and insane level of excitement), he was willing and seemed eager. Fast forward to today when I signed a contract with him to go ahead and start planning the project. That's when reality slapped me hard in the face. I can't finance a project like this. Heck, I'm currently living without a stove/oven in my house because I can't afford to replace them. We won't talk about how I have no hot water because I haven't been able to dig out of the chaos my mental state has left me in.

Anyway, I had to be up front with him about that. I mean, partnerships are built on honest communication, right? I had to have faith that it would be okay...and it is, really. I have to keep telling myself that over and over again. It's okay. It will get made. So it has to be put off for an indefinite amount of time because he's awesome and amazing and has two years worth of launches to get through, but he will come back to you. He won't forget about this project or you. Just because something is a huge step for you doesn't mean that it is to everyone.

It's not his fault. He's being real with me. He doesn't pull punches and that's not always easy for me, but he's not being mean or hurtful. It just is what it is. It's tough though.

All of this has left me wound tighter than....umm...something creative that gets wound up...It's hard not to take that leftover anxious energy and spiral down into some deep, dark place. Like I can hear that voice in my head telling me that because I'm such a fuck up, I don't have any money and I'm going to be stuck in this place forever...this place where I can't get a foothold to get out, where I'm going to die without anyone knowing who I am, where I will forever be this worthless thing that ruins lives and who never should have been born.  This place that says all of my victories of the past week mean nothing.

I referred to it earlier as the voices of family past and that's what it is. It's my mother's voice. It's the neglect of my father. It's the voice of the man who raped me. It's the voice of every single person who has ever abused or neglected me. Sometimes small victories lead to big anxiety and that's where I am tonight. It's nobody's fault and I have one of the best cheerleaders on the planet telling me that he's proud of me and he just wants me to be proud of me too. I've made big steps for me and it doesn't matter if those were easy steps for anyone else, they're big for me. I really have gotten lucky and have some great people who support me, who don't berate me when I'm feeling like this, but remind me that they think I'm awesome and capable of awesome things.

So...before I leave you all tonight, I want to update a section that I put on this blog a month or so ago...

Current Weight: 306 (-7.5)
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 34

Feelin' Good

So, it's been a few weeks and I wanted to make sure that I stopped in and let you guys know how it was all going. It's had its ups and downs that's for sure. I just have to stop singing and dancing to this song so I can actually type it all out.  I love this song so much. The video is a bit weird though, don't you think?

Okay, it's done. Right. So the past few weeks...Well, last post I told you that I had decided to start back on my anti-depressant and that I was a bit nervous because I tend to forget if it's doing me any good once I'm on it for a bit. That's part of the reason that I want to write about it. I want to have a record that I can look back on.

I decided to start with a half dose because the last time I took a full dose (I was on the max allowed dosage) it made me feel loopy. I spent an hour one evening cutting all of my pills in half and rebottling them. That night, I took my first dose. The next day I was headachey and nauseous all day long. It was not fun, but I took another dose the following night because I figured maybe I just had to adjust to it. The following day was a Thursday. I know this because my youngest had a jazz performance at a club. I had the same headache but the queasiness was more on and off, but man, when it was on, I wanted to throw up. Ugh. That night, I didn't take any. The thought of swallowing anything was too much.

Friday I still felt crummy, but better. I decided that I'd try an every other day regimen for a while. Saturday I woke up and felt great. Go figure. So, I took another dose that night. No reason to put it off if I'm feeling okay with it. Sunday I woke up and started the first real period that I've had in over three years. Now I'm wonder if the medicine combined with hormonal crap and just made me feel dreadful. No real way to know, but I've not had that god awful reaction since.

So, since I started, I only missed that one dose and that was on purpose. I'm really starting to notice a change. I've had my down days and I've had some serious stressors, but so far I've been handling them. The past couple of days I've found myself smiling, singing, and god help the poor cats who can see me...dancing. I feel lighter. I feel more like things are going to be okay, and that they're possible.

I had about 4 nights of total insomnia, but I think that I'm slowly moving past that which is good. The past two days I haven't slept until noon or later which is a relief. Regulating sleep is a top priority because my afternoons are too busy to lose my mornings.

In a bit of other news, I'm thrilled to say that #Fridgepocalypse is over now. Our brand new refrigerator was delivered this afternoon. If you don't know what that hashtag means, I'll just say that this is our second fridge purchase in just over a month. I'm going to have to put myself out there more as a proofreader/editor to make the money back as quickly as I can but I don't believe that it's impossible. I just have to get the right eyes on what it is that I do.

As for weight, I don't really have an update there. I don't have a way to weigh myself at home and I haven't figured out a solution for that yet. I don't really want to drive 20 minutes to the doctor's office every couple of weeks, even though I'm pretty sure they'd let me stop in and use the scales. I will say that I think that my pants feel a bit looser, but it's hard for me to tell if that's just wishful thinking or reality. I promise I'll keep updating that bit as often as I can though. I need to know too if the bits I'm trying are working. Only five more months until that appointment. Now that the new fridge is here though, I can get my water bottles filled and in there so that I have a ready supply of drinking water on hand which will be nice.

Current Weight: ???
Goal Weight: 150 lbs
Days in a Row Taking Meds: 18

Ch..Ch...Ch...Changes

Another month has flown by and I can't even tell you where it went. February in Michigan has been brutal with things like polar vortexes, icemageddons, and then a bomb cyclone. There was a lot of drama involving me attempting to get a fridge back into my house and a lot of time just being mom.

Now here we are, the last day before the end of the month and life hasn't slowed down even slightly. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at a jazz orchestra rehearsal. My youngest son has been a part of this audition only group for two years so for two years, I've lost about 8 hours each day getting him here and back...as well as the rehearsal time. He loves it and I love sitting in, even if it takes away from other things I could be...and maybe should be doing.

So, here we are and I'm trying to sort through the stuff in my head. Thank goodness I have all of you to talk to about things! It really does help me work through them.

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Nope, let's back up. On Monday, I took myself off to a hotel for an overnight stay. My water heater has decided it doesn't like hot water anymore and with the appointment coming up, I needed a night away and a long, hot shower. Best decision I've made in a while. Thank goodness for tiny tax returns which let me do that. I got to relax and rest up which I badly needed.

Then, yesterday, I went to see a plastic surgeon. If you know me, you know I have huge boobs. You'll also know that I'd rather not, but I'd never have plastic surgery for vanity's sake. They're causing me issues. My collar bone hurts a lot of the time. I never have straight shoulders. I'm always hunched over because of them. Boobs weigh a lot, guys. So, after my doctor asking me about it for over five years, I decided it was time. It took me almost 5 months to get this appointment.

The doctor was super nice, but basically laid it out that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it pre-surgery. If I do the surgery first and then lose the weight, the boobs will sag, and he doesn't think I'd be happy with them. The reality is that they beyond sag now and they're not close to symmetrical. Still, if I'm going to go through all of this, I do want to look down and be happy afterwards.

I left the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I wasn't hurt or upset by anything that he said. He couldn't have been nicer. He told me that if I wanted to go ahead now, he would do the full exam and proceed. He also suggested, that if I wanted, I could come back in six months and we could reevaluate everything. That would give me time to work on losing weight if that's what I wanted to do. If, at that point, I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be yet, we could put it off another three to six months.

I sat and cried because I'm so angry with myself that I've allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where I've gotten to the weight I am. I'm frustrated because I've dug myself into this deep hole between my health, weight, and house. I'm overwhelmed. I look around and don't know quite how to dig myself out. On top of everything, DHS took my projected income form for this year (which they required me to predict and which I am nowhere near making at this point) and cut my food stamps down to less than $300 a month for three of us. Luckily, Ben is off at school and Roger is busy with school and work and music, so isn't at my house all of the time.

Still, I have no idea how to feed even just me in a super healthy way with that amount of money. I'm sure it's not impossible and I'll just have to be incredibly careful about what I do buy. I'll have to tightly meal plan and stick with it.

I want to do this. I know I can do this. I'm also completely overwhelmed. I don't really know where to start. No, that's not true either! I'm full of arguing with myself tonight. I guess here's the tiny baby plan as much as it is:

1. Start logging calories using My Fitness Pal. Not so much trying to keep within what it's saying but logging so I can see where the problems may be.
2. Take the last bit of my tax return and order some glass water bottles for the fridge. I may not have hot water, but I do have water and a filter for the kitchen tap. This will allow me to not have to buy water and save a bit of money there while at the same time having a healthy drink option in the house.
3. Start talking with my tiny Facebook weight loss group about things. Support is super important.
4. Continue taking my medication. Last night I started back on a half dose of my anti-depressant and a full dose of my blood pressure medication.

Hmm...I guess it really is a tiny baby plan. That's all I've got right now.  I have six months to see how far I can get. I'm stuck without much exercise right now because I can't safely get out of the house and walk, but maybe in another month or two I can add that in. I do have a Fitbit, even if the rubber band causes my skin to react. Perhaps for my birthday (in 6 months), I can ask for a leather band for it to help alleviate that problem. If I can make some changes around the house, maybe I can start walking from one side to the other...I figure it'll only take a few hundred trips to make a mile..heh...

For now though, it's one baby step at a time. If anyone knows of some low impact exercises I can do at home that don't require a lot of space, please let me know! I'm still getting over a sprained ankle and what I suspect is a pinched nerve in my elbow, but I'm willing to try new things.

Take care of all of you!

Current Weight: 313.5
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 1

From Chaos to Contained

From Chaos to Contained - My Mind, My Life

I sat down nearly two hours ago because I wanted to write here. The problem is that I had no idea what to write about. My brain kept circling around a problem that I'm having that I can't figure out a solution to and sadly, it's something that I can't really write about here. Then, inspiration struck!

Okay, that's dramatic. It's more like I was sitting on the couch, staring through my laptop as I tried to figure out what to write about and suddenly I remembered that my laptop has the sticky notes feature. I love this feature but somehow I go months without remembering that I have it. Tonight, I remembered and I figured out a way to make it work for me. Yay!

Last week, I wrote about my idea for "themed" days to help me focus on what needs to get done. In the time since, I've let the idea sit in the back of my head and not really done much with it. My oldest read my post and told me that he liked the idea and thought that it would really help. This week he's here with me and today we got to work on it. I spent the day working on various site(s) and hanging out with him. It was nice to get that stuff done, but I realized that my memory issues have been getting a bit dodgy lately and I kept feeling as if I were forgetting something I should be doing. Enter...the sticky notes!

The desktop on my laptop. I need to do an icon clean out!

I sat down at my laptop and created a sticky note for each theme. Then, on each one I listed the theme and any/all tasks that need to be completed on that day or for that project. The nice thing is that these are easily to make changes to if I need to and I can view them any time where I'm not sure what I should be doing. I plan on doing my weekly planning each weekend and whenever I sit down to do that, I'll be making sure that these are updated for the upcoming week.

Doing this tonight made me realize that chaos has crept into other areas of my world and so I'm going to be sitting down as soon as I can to work on a similar system for those areas. The one that my brain keeps coming back to is my writing. I need to finish Nevermore and then come up with a plan for future books. It's time that I stop flying so much by the seat of my pants and have a plan. I've always worked so much better that way, but for whatever reason, I have't applied my need for order to my writing. I need to work on that.  It's time to take the chaos that is my world and bring it back in order. It's time to go from chaos to contained ...a place for everything in my world and as much of it as possible in its place.

Sometimes the solutions to things are the very things staring you right in the face...

So Many Things

So Many Things

Get ready for a very real post. Not to say that any of my posts are fake but this one is pure free writing and there's a chance more could come out then I'm planning. I guess we'll find out together!

A couple of months ago, I wrote about how things had to change for me and for my weight. Tonight, I ate oreos for dinner. Not an entire row or anything, but enough. Why? A combination of reasons:

1. I don't have any money to go and buy groceries before at least Wednesday. That leaves me with whatever is on hand and the two bag meals that are in my freezer to eat.
2. I'm overwhelmed and the thought of attempting to put together anything that isn't an open and eat it package has me hiding.

Why am I so overwhelmed? Let me count the ways....So Many Things...

My house is at hoarder status and I have a furnace that doesn't work. While we don't need it yet, we will soon and due to the condition of the house, I cannot let the landlord know so they can get someone out to fix it. 

In an attempt to help with this, I spent 5 hours tackling a major portion of our living room the other day. Since then, I've been coughing up a storm. I can only assume that I inhaled way too much dust. I pretty much have to wait it out, but it's holding me up from getting down on the floor to tackle the next section. It also makes it hard to sleep which leads me to...

I haven't slept well in about 3.5 weeks because late on August 21st, I got a phone call that my youngest son had been in a car accident. He walked away with just bumps and bruises after his suv rolled, but seeing the accident scene and knowing how easily I could have lost him has been a serious ptsd trigger for me. I have trouble getting to sleep before the early hours of the morning and then my body just wants to sleep all day to make up for it. It's slowly improving but it's led to the fact that...

I'm falling further and further behind on things. I currently have 7 books waiting for proofreading and I'm about 3-6 months behind on the last book on The Tether Saga. The only bonus, if you want to consider it that, is that the co-author of the first two books and the man that owns all of the rights to this series hasn't spoken to me in about six weeks. In fact, I'm fairly certain that he has me muted on FB messenger which is where he wants to communicate. This has added another level of stress to things as it makes me feel as if everything is up in the air regarding that.

Also, since I haven't made any money off of any of the three Tether books that I've already worked on/written, money is a bit of an issue. Well, let's face it, money has always been an issue. I gave up on the idea of working outside of the house due to my own health issues (mental and other) as well as my boys needing me to be available. We get by due to the generosity of a friend who helps me cover things...but suddenly there are more things than usual and it's freaking me out. My current list of things I need money for?

• Photos of the boys from the photographer who shoots sporting events at the school. He has amazing shots of them and due to their dad no longer doing school photos, I really want these to help record all of the awesome things they've worked so hard at for the past 4 years. (Cost for all of them? About $100)
• Bills (duh, right?)
• Cover for my Kindle that the boys went together to buy me before the screen gets ruined.
• Trash bags...a lot of trash bags...
• Roger's orchestra fees ...they more than doubled this year and this is a program that he needs to be in. (Cost including all the gas to get him there and back? $1000)

There are other things, like NaNo coming up with classes next month. The classes and then write ins are free, but they're 45 minutes away and at a restaurant...so gas and food. If I dwell on this, I can think of more things...but let's move on...

To what, you ask? Well, that's the problem. I'm so overwhelmed and I'm so frustrated that I'm overwhelmed. I feel as if all I ever do here is write about negative things. I don't think I'm a negative person, but you'd never guess that here, would you? I feel like I need to apologize to all of you for not being this uplifting beacon of hope. I wish that I were, but right now, it feels as if the universe is squashing me.  

When I decided to start tackling my weight issues, things seemed so much more even keel. Then, I decided to face my fears and start tackling my dental issues. Now, I'm sinking but still trying to be all brave with things. I have yet another dental appointment tomorrow morning. This is my 4th in less than 2 months. It sucks but I'm more afraid that if I don't go, I'll never get those problems fixed. As for the rest of it? I just don't know...

I've spent hours trying to figure out a way to make everything better, to make it easier. I've thought about walking away from social media and blogging until I get things under control, but it gets mighty lonely living in the boondocks without any friends. So, I threw that idea out. What I really need to do is clear my plate, but that's tough when some things just need to all be done at once. I can't not do the dental stuff, I can't not work on the house, I can't not get the proofreading done...Those all have to be done right now. I've considered taking a week at a time to dedicate to each of these things..well, not the dental work. Can you imagine going to the dentist every day for a week? That'll cause nightmares...

My current thought? 

Daily "themes"....

Monday - Site work...this has been this way for a few years and I need to keep this routine.

Tuesday - Proofreading before I have to drive the youngest 90 minutes for his sax lesson.

Wednesday - House, focusing first on the living room, then the bathroom, kitchen, laundry room, and studio.

Thursday - Proofreading

Friday - Combination day of light house/football/review work

Saturday - Day of rest (plus things like marching band competitions for the next month)

Sunday - Planning for coming week

Do you notice what isn't anywhere on this schedule? Writing. For the time being, the book has to be on the back burner. I'm not happy about this, but if I want to get through the rest, I don't have much of a choice. If any of you here are fans of the series, I pray that you can be patient. I promise that I will get back to it as soon as possible. The latest? November for NaNo. I'm not starting something new until this is totally finished. 

I suppose the real question is...will this work? The answer? I have no idea. All I can do is try. I can keep trying to be in bed trying to sleep by 2 am and work that back. I can keep sitting and just breathing when it would be easier to have a meltdown. I can appreciate every single moment that I have with both of my boys and not feel guilty when I put everything else to the side to watch tv with them. I can help my youngest make final decisions as to what colleges he's about to apply to. I can do my best to just keep going. 

It may be one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one breath at a time...but I'm going to do my best to just keep going. Somehow, I will handle so many things.

Sick of Being Sick

 I've lost track of how much I've said this lately.

I know that I told y'all that I was going to get my act together and start posting weight updates weekly here. I have totally failed at that and I feel an incredible amount of guilt for letting not just you, but me down too. The problem is that my body is letting me down right, left, and center.

Where to start? I know that I posted about going to the dentist last month. The end of June? Anyway, on July 6th, I went and had my first two extractions done. Thanks to the nitrous, I survived. After, I had to go to Walmart.  Why? Because due to laws, they can't give you pain med prescriptions in advance. I'll let you imagine how pleasant of an experience it was to sit there for an hour, starting to drool blood, and waiting for this prescription. Knowing that people were judging me either for how I looked or for the reason why once I explained it to them. I know it shouldn't matter, but when you're already drained emotionally from the process that got you there, it's hard.

The recovery wasn't tragic, but I certainly didn't feel good. Then, just when I was starting to eat real food again and my stomach was starting to recover from the minimal food/motrin combination, I developed another infection. They don't want to bother with an antibiotic, they just want to move up the date to extract the rest of my bad teeth. So, I've been sick with that for over a week now. Low grade fevers, things not tasting good, upset stomach...and the only way to clear it up is to put myself through what I just got out of...which means another week's setback.

I keep telling myself that it will be worth it once it's done, but it's so frustrating. I just want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be able to get things done. I keep falling further and further behind. Even the absolutely must dos are only getting done barely.

As if that wasn't enough, there's been some problems that involve my ex and his wife so I can't talk about them here. It's too public. Let's just say that it's spiked my stress levels insanely high over the past couple of weeks.  The combination of all of this plus a lot of little things had me run, not walk, away from social media. I just couldn't handle people. It's been a week and I'm barely sticking my toes back into that pond.

....and I just caught sight of the time. I have to go to my mammogram and get that done. This being a responsible adult thing is bullshit. I'll be back in a couple of hours to finish writing this...which you won't even realize the break except that I just wrote it...lol! ....

....and I'm back! I was squished and squashed and made to hold my breath, but I guess it's okay because she gave me a single square of chocolate afterwards. I'd have rather had a sticker.

So, I've been off of social media for about a week now and while I miss people, I find that I have a very low tolerance for them. As I told someone...For those familiar with the spoon theory, I'm out of every utensil in the drawer and I'm stabbing at things with a stick that is vaguely shaped like a chopstick. It is getting better in some ways and very much not in others.

A reminder for us all.

Mostly, I'm finding myself missing certain people. The problem is that these people aren't accessible to me and they're what I've dubbed my safe places. They're people that I can just be with. Having them no longer accessible to me makes things worse in some ways. It's harder to handle everything on your own sometimes.

But,that's just what I have to do and what I'm trying to do. For this week that means making sure I have a proper shopping list to prepare for not being able to eat real food this weekend as well as my oldest being here and him needing to eat real food. It means getting myself to all of my medical appointments this week. It also means making sure that I'm where the boys need me to be. It may be a week of baby step after baby step but if that's all I can do, that's all I can.

For now I'm going to curl up with a book for a while (I'm behind on reviews) and hopefully lose myself in its pages before I start on that shopping list...

Dental Health Matters

Why Dental Health Matters

I'm pretty sure that I've talked about my anxiety issues here, but if I haven't, I have some anxiety issues. These stem a lot from my PTSD...yesterday, I realized just how bad it's affecting me.

Due to a variety of reasons, I haven't seen a dentist for any real dental care in approximately 17 years. Over the past half a dozen years, I've started losing teeth. Still, I didn't seek out a dentist.  A lot of that has to do with having zero dental insurance and knowing that I had no way to pay for any dental work. The rest has to do with my anxiety. I had to have a lot of dental work done when I was younger and most of it wasn't pleasant. I've developed a very real anxiety when it comes to dentists.

Still, 2018 is the year about being brave so after some serious anxiety attacks, I made the appointment. Yesterday afternoon, I drove the 20 minutes to their office. I fought back tears and panic the entire drive. The hygienist was nice, but before I even got to see the dentist, I was in tears. The entire thing felt completely overwhelming. When the dentist actually came in, they sat behind my head and went over the x-rays as if I wasn't there. He poked around my mouth some, gave her some notes, and then left. I think he told me to have a nice day but I don't remember. I was too wound up by that point. I know that he never introduced himself to me or anything.

The rundown? The TL;DR?

• My insurance will only cover: routine cleanings, extractions, fillings, and partial dentures.
• They will not cover: root canals, bridges, crowns, or deep cleanings...or even Nitrous.

I need:

• 5-6 extractions (most of these are broken stubs of teeth)
• 11-12 fillings
• Debridement
• Normal cleaning
• Root scaling/planing (also known as deep cleaning)
• Antibiotics to fight an infection
• Prescription toothpaste to help try to strengthen the remaining teeth. ($22)
• Nitrous Oxide to help calm me down. ($23/visit)

 Everything except that last one and the toothpaste will be covered by my insurance. The deep cleaning? That one will cost about $610. $610 that I really don't have but if I don't have this procedure done, my oral health will just continue to to get worse and I risk losing more teeth.

All of this is extremely stressful and when added to my anxiety, I ended up in my car afterwards having a complete breakdown. It was bad enough that the friend who called me suggested that I contact my doctor's office to see if they would prescribe me something that I can take before I have to go in for my next appointment. I don't know how many appointments this will take...I have 2 currently scheduled and that's just the start. I'm scared spitless so I guess it's just as well that the toothpaste has the added bonus of making me drool.

As for my weight, etc? Well, I got started on Monday and did well Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday and yesterday were all about anxiety and stress so I didn't do as well. I'm trying to get back on the horse today. I made a smoothie for breakfast and took my meds and then brushed my teeth with that god awful extra minty toothpaste (I hate mint toothpaste!). My water intake is slow but it's all I'm drinking and I have hopes of getting in my 64 oz before bed tonight. I even bought a scale yesterday!

The numbers?

Starting Weight: 314.4 lbs
Current Weight: 313.8 lbs
Change in Weight: -.8 lbs

It's a lot. It's overwhelming, especially when you add it to the rest of my life, but I've started the ball rolling so now I just have to keep it going.

Changes Have to Happen

This sounds brave, right?

I promised all of you an update after I'd seen the doctor so I'm back! It didn't even take me two weeks! I know you're as proud of me as I am about that.

The appointment actually went really well. I intentionally set it with the nurse practitioner because she's a bit more laid back than my doctor. I guess even a couple of months ago I had my suspicions that my results this year were going to be a problem.

I went in and the first thing she touched on, of all things, was my birth control. I swear that there isn't one that doesn't have some sort of issue. After three years, I went off the depo shot because that's the limit before studies have shown bone density loss. I went onto the patch because I really do need something that's more set it and forget it. It turns out that there's a higher chance of blood clots with it so I need to watch for swelling, redness, and warmth in my legs. Really, a girl cannot win with these things.

After that, she touched on my cholesterol levels. While they've always been high, they jumped about 50 point in this past year. That's not really good. We discussed the idea of putting me on meds while I worked on the diet side, but the risk calculator didn't put me at a high enough risk that she felt it was worth it.

I talked to her about how I'd already started making small changes...like not buying chips or cookies anymore and making soda a treat and not a regular thing. She seemed impressed that I'd already started working on things. I also talked to her about how I'd lost weight in the past (Does anyone remember my Mamavation days?) and how I'd done it. We came to the conclusion that accountability seems to really work for me. She suggested getting involved in something like Diet Bet, but I don't really have the extra funds available right now. I really appreciated how she talked about how she'd done it with her sister over the winter. I never felt lectured which was such a relief.

I got through my pap smear, talked to her about how I think my allergies are affecting my one eye (and got something to try out for a couple of weeks to see if it helps), and came away with a reminder to schedule my mammogram and they're going to work on finding a surgeon that accepts my insurance (another issue for another post).

So, to recap. No leukemia. No liver failure. I'm not dying but I do have to make some diet and life changes.

The other day, I talked about some of the first steps in this process. Today, those steps seem so much more important because two people that I've known through my time in the comics industry have died in the past two days. Both of them had weight issues and while I don't know if those issues played a role in their deaths, I know that they probably didn't help.

I'm taking today to work on a meal plan for this coming week and to make a list of tools that I'm going to need to help. I know for sure that I need a new scale. My old one broke ages ago and while I have no intention of becoming obsessive about weighing in, I do need to do it about once a week to mark my progress. I'm also going to need a few things in the kitchen.

Remember how I mentioned accountability earlier? One of my friends and I have started a support group on Facebook. It's going to be a place where we can support each other, share tips, share recipes, and ask questions. It's all about working together for all of us to get healthier. If you'd like to join, you can find it at Welcoming Weight Loss. I'm also going to work on posting here more often and at the bottom of the posts, bringing back:

Previous Weight:
Current Weight:
Change in Weight:
Average Water Consumption:

It's going to take a while to build these habits, but every journey starts with a single step...or blog post.