Weekly Update: Squished and Squashed

 What a week, eh? I'm not even sure where to start. I guess back on Tuesday....

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and as much as I wanted to skip it, I went anyway. I'm not sure that my doctor is thrilled with my progress, but it is what it is. I lost 8 pounds and while it's not as much as I wanted, I'm happy with it. Of course, my eating went to hell for the rest of the week but I've gone grocery shopping and I can get back on track with that. She gave me another new medication to add in and I've noticed that something like 7-8 hours after taking it, I have horrible stomach acid issues. Hopefully that doesn't last. 

On Wednesday, I went with Roger to go look at apartments for next year. I'm not ready for him to permanently out of the house. The apartments were nice though and he and his roommate chose one and let the owner know that they're interested. I believe on Thursday he and his dad met with the owner and got the ball rolling on that. It caused me some severe anxiety because it feels as if he no longer needs me and I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that I raised him to be independent. 

On Friday, I went into town and picked up all of the medication that I'm now taking as well as some groceries. Nothing exciting, although I did get to spend time with Ben which I always love. I also bought Roger some pots and pans for the new apartment. Oh...and I finally gave Dylan his Christmas present. I haven't heard, but I hope he liked it. 

The weekend was quiet. I discovered Saturday that out of nowhere I'd started a heavy period. Of course, it disappeared on Sunday and reappeared today. I'm not sure my body really knows what's going on. I hope once I'm adjusted to all the medication, etc, things will balance out and no more bodily shenanigans will happen.

Today I went and had my annual mammogram done. It doesn't usually bother me, but today it felt like more squishing and squashing than in the past. My body is wonky so maybe things are just more sensitive. I'll probably get the results from that tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm not expecting anything out of the ordinary but it'll be good to get the official all clear for this year.

As for right now, I know this post is kinda...crummy...but I'm not feeling good due to the girl stuff happening, so I'm going to curl up with my blanket and watch some tv. Tomorrow I have a comic to proofread and I might work on my end of the year financial update as well as starting the new spreadsheet for 2021. Oh...and bringing in the new heated blanket that I bought at the store today...

Take care of yourselves and each other!

313.2

Weekly Update: Out of the Blue

Well, here we are, Monday again. It's been a rocky sort of week. Not terrible, just a bit rocky. Let's just start typing and see what we come up with, shall we?

Hmm...I don't know where to start...Let's see...

Ben's physical therapy is going well. He only has two more sessions left. In fact, he sees his nurse or whatever she is today to update her and see what the next steps are. His physical therapist doesn't think he needs muscle relaxers which is good. I'm a bit concerned because his arm has seemed to be really tight a couple of times. Physical therapy is so expensive though. His dad's insurance didn't cover $700 of his initial bill. If medicaid doesn't pick up some of that, it's all out of his bank account because I can't help and his stepmom won't let his dad. If we add occupational therapy onto that, that's another bill for the poor kid.

Roger is doing good. He's at his dad's. He doesn't want to spend regular time here which is really hard on me. He said to me this past week that it's gross here and he always feels as if he has to clean. That's a blow. It's not great here, but I didn't think it was gross. I've been trying to do things to improve the place, but I'm not moving fast enough and some of it is what do I tell the owners is the problem first...I don't want to tell them both big things at the same time. I feel like I've failed them. I know that it's not all my fault, but it is my brain that's the problem. I can't ignore that.

On the work front things are slowing down. That worries me, but there's nothing I can really do about it. I have one novel on my desk that I'm working on. I am supposed to have a couple of comics coming my way in September and possibly another novel, so I'll be okay.

DHS sucks. They were supposed to call me on Friday between 830 and 1030, but they never did. I tried calling but there were 47 people ahead of me and only an hour until they closed. I should try to call them again today but I don't have the time so it will have to wait until tomorrow. It's so frustrating that I gave them the information that they requested and they rejected it and now I have to go through all of this.

Let's throw some good news into the mix before I get into what's really weighing on me this morning...

Yesterday, we (Ben and I) picked up two tiny black kittens from someone that I know. Their mother had been hit by a car and this couple rescued the litter from the barn and bottle raised them. To say that they're spoiled is an understatement. These guys have been on high end food and cuddled and coddled to no end. My boys aren't 100% sure why I brought new babies into their house but nobody has massively freaked out. I had them in their carrier, on the couch, last night where everyone could smell each other. Then they spent last night in the bathroom, where they still are. I need to work and that allows them to still all smell each other and get used to each other. It also allows the babies to stretch their legs and explore a bit. When I went in there this morning to use the bathroom, they were curled up together on my jeans that I'd left in there. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, Mina (the female) came running over, climbed up on my lap, then my chest for snuggles. Then she spent a few minutes walking laps around my chest and shoulders, purring the whole time. She is 100% a lover. Apollo, her brother, came over for some attention too but was more interested in exploring the bathtub than me. I think given a bit of time for adjustment, they'll do well here. I've already left a message for my vet to take them in for a well check since they've not been to one yet.

Now...This part is going to be long so if you want to scroll, I'll put a tl;dr at the bottom.

I had a friend. A best friend. We were close and had known each other for about 10 years. After he ended his relationship with his girlfriend, we became lovers of sorts. I say of sorts because we live a good 5 hours apart and due to life stuff, we almost never saw each other. In fact, from the first time we were together that way to the second (and last) time, there was six years in between. While I was at his place the first time things happened, I told him that it would be really hard for me when he got another girlfriend because that'd end things between us. He told me that it wouldn't, that whoever he was with would have to accept me too.  Now, this may sound weird to some of you, but both him and I had led "alternative" lifestyles for ages so it wasn't weird to us.

Six years go by...six long as years where I don't get to see him. It sucked. I'll just leave it at that. One night, out of the blue, he asks if he can call me. I was excited, right until he called me and told me he was calling because a friend of ours had died. I was stunned. My instinct was that I needed to be there, but I was afraid to ask him if I could come. I did though and he told me, of course. The trip there was chaos...my car broke down, I had to get a rental, I had a hard time getting my data to work internationally...chaos. Somehow though, when I got there and he hugged me, it all seemed worth it. I was in my safe space. He's always been my safe space...someone I could be around and just be me. I didn't have to put on an act or pretend. On the way there, I had let him know I'd be late due to all the car nonsense and I had said something about doing something that might be bad for me when I was there...He thought I meant smoke marijuana (he uses it medicinally) but I meant sleeping with him again. I knew that if I did, it'd be even harder on me to go and not know when I might see him again.

That night, I didn't know where I was sleeping. I had asked if I could borrow his couch when I had initially asked if I could stay with him. I didn't know his feelings on things...but somehow, that night, I ended up in his bed. It was probably as simple as him asking if I was coming to bed. Once we got there, I could tell that he was as nervous as I was...we both wanted it, but there were a lot of years and emotion in between. Things happened. I'll leave it at that.

A couple of days later, I had to get back so I packed things up and headed home. This time, though, I was sure I'd see him again soon, probably in a few months. I was wrong, so very, very wrong. About 4 months later, he posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship. My heart broke because I just knew that it meant I was out. I tried to talk to him and he said he'd wanted to talk to me...wanted to, but hadn't. I won't lie. I pretty much lost it. Losing him meant losing one of the few places in this world that I felt safe, where I felt protected. There were other things going on and I was off my medication. It was ugly. I probably begged him not to do this to me.

What I do remember is coming home one night and sitting in my car. I couldn't stop crying. It was all too much. I'd lost my lover, my best friend, my safe space...I recorded a voice message for him that basically said I planned on killing myself and this was my goodbye message for him. The next morning, I updated my "if I die" file and then poured all of my medication into a wooden bowl that he had made. I had read if you take enough of the medication with alcohol, it would kill you. I had a bottle of sangria left over from New Years. Only my silly little cat (who I miss desperately) stopped me from doing it. Every time I reached for the bowl, she stood in between me and it and demanded I pet her. As for him? He never responded.

That was it for me...this man who supposedly loved me would let me die. Avoiding the conflict was more important than saving me. Months went by. The day after my birthday I sent him a text...he never misses my birthday...saying he'd forgotten. He said he had, he was sorry, but that he needed to find a new place to live fast. I knew what was coming maybe before he did. He was going to move in with her. They were going to start their happily ever after. I'd already muted him on social media and I kept it that way. Every post was like a stab in the back, but after a while, I got tired of crying and decided to move on with my life. He'd made his decision. It was to not have me in his life anymore.

Fast forward a year...to last night...he sent me a text saying that he was in the hospital but wanted to voice chat with me if I'd talk to him. I still love him, god help me, but the trust that we had is no longer there. He blew that up. Still, I texted with him a bit...about what he was doing in the hospital, about how I got kittens...easy things. I did ask him if he was high on pain meds and that's why he thought reaching out to me was a good idea. When he initially text me, he said he was now in a position to talk...my first thought was, "Were you being held against your will for the past year?"

Today I asked him why he reached out to me. He said he'd rather voice chat about it. He did say that he's sorry and he owes me a lot of sorries. Well, that's true but it doesn't help me from crying as I relive all of that. It doesn't change that even after something like 15 months that I don't feel 100% betrayed. I moved on, but my heart never truly did. I'm scared. Do I want to risk being hurt again? Am I strong enough? I don't know...I know that if I told him that I can't, he'd respect that. What I don't know if is I want to tell him no...

TL;DR: Former friend/lover bailed on me for 15 months and has made a reappearance in my life.

Edited to add: I let him call. He apologized for..well...everything. He was sincere. If knowing him for as long as I have means anything, I know when he's being sincere. Is everything 100% between us? Probably not. It's going to take some time to rebuild that trust to where it was before. It turns out that he got himself into a bad situation with this woman and like we've all done at some point, didn't see the red flags for what they were until it was too late. He's moved out now and will be rebuilding for a bit. I wish I could see him face to face because I think it'd bring healing to both of us, but since I'm not allowed in his country, that's not going to happen. This will be a one day at a time rebuilding of a friendship, but I think it'll be okay and that's the part that matters.

Weekly Update: A Day Early...

It's only Sunday, but it turns out that this coming week is going to be a week of put my head down and work, work, work. I didn't want to not post so here I am a day early.

Not much has changed from last week to this. Not surprising, eh? I mean, we're all in the same boat. Honestly, I'm okay with riding this out for the most part. I'd rather be inconvenienced and have some down days than watch those that I love die. I really believe that we're opening too early and bad things are going to happen. I've ordered masks to take the next step in our protection and we're just hanging in there.

Speaking of, Ben and Roger have been here this weekend. Other than the occasional brotherly bickering, it's been really nice. We've tackled a few small projects which has helped. One of them was cleaning out the deep freeze. Ick. It got turned off at some point so it was a bit of a chore to get it cleaned out. I'm still waiting for some of the ice to thaw so that I can wipe it out. Once I've done that, I'll list it on local sales sites to see if anyone is interested. I think that Roger and I can move it out onto the front porch. I'm only going to ask $50 for it so hopefully it sells quickly. It never hurts to have that extra little bit of cash in your pocket. I also have a flute that I'm going to sell for $75. It doesn't take up much space but it really should be being used, not just collecting dust around here.

The living room is finally feeling like a living room. I have to tidy the bookshelves, clear one more space and then attempt to figure out how to store all of the books/comics that I still need to read for reviews. I'm so far behind that there's quite the stack. I also need to mail out some books that people purchased for me and perhaps just list boxes of books on freecycle or local groups. I need to clear out what I know is going. We took 2 bags and a box out to the barn yesterday that will go to Goodwill once they open again. I got tired of looking at them in the house.

For Mother's Day, I've asked the three boys for a workday so that maybe we can tackle the barn. It's full of just stuff. Some can go, but quite a bit just needs to be organized into bins so that we can find things when we need them. It might be tough to coordinate a day where none of them are working, but I'm hopeful that we can finally tackle that project. It's a big one.

So, fingers crossed that things sell and that things can get done. It's so much easier to get through this time when I feel as if I'm being productive. I'm still missing people tons, but that's just going to have to be what it is. It's not worth the risk right now to mingle and there's no way I can travel to see "the man" right now. I'll just have to keep the course with cleaning, my work, and keeping in touch with folks the best I can.

How are all of you doing? Are you hanging in there? Let me know!

Weekly Update: Another Day at Home

Just when I think I'm handling all of this well, something happens that reminds me that I'm more sensitive right now to certain things than I might be otherwise. Yesterday, I popped into a friend's livestream. Nothing exciting there, right? Well, this is a friend who I'd been trying to have a one on one video chat with for a few days and he was always too busy to do it. Then, when I joked in the chat that I had been hoping to have that chat with him, he pointed out (to everyone) that this was a chat and it didn't always have to be about one on one and I was selfish. Now, he was joking. I knew he was joking, but it still hurt enough that I was in tears. I knew I was being sensitive and yet, maybe, at the same time, he was being insensitive. He talked about how if anyone needed something just like what I'd asked for, just to let him know. How come then he wasn't making it happen for me? I dunno. I don't want to dwell too much on it. It's probably best to just move on. Still though, it did show me that I'm lonelier than I realized and missing human connection.

I haven't seen "the man" since August and with everything that's going on, there's no knowing when we'll see each other again. With the stress of everything, he's gone quieter than usual and that's wearing a bit on me too. I'm not upset with him, just missing him tons. Our anniversary is coming up in July and it's looking less and less like we'll spend it together. I want us to be safe but man, this sucks.

One thing that doesn't suck are my kids. This weekend, at least for one night, I'll have them both here. It's so tough with everyone's schedule, but Roger will be finished with exams and Ben has a four day weekend off from work. I'll be picking Ben up on Thursday and then Roger on Saturday. I don't know if Dillon will come. I thought he was going to fit in with our family, but he doesn't seem to have much interest. That's his choice but I had hoped for something different.

So, I'll have the kids and that's something I'm looking forward to. I want to do a bit more house tidying before they get here. I'm really proud of what I have done, but I need to go back to former rooms and do maintenance. I don't know if I'll get much past there because I've had quite a few client jobs come in and I need to focus on those. I'm really thankful that I'm still working. So many folks aren't. Still, another stimulus isn't something I'd say no to. Money disappears quickly when you're feeding more than just yourself.

Now, that's a lot of paragraphs about me. How are all of you doing? Are you hanging in there? What good has happened for you during all of this? Please don't hesitate to leave a comment or reach out. After all, we're all in this together.

Weekly (Monthly) Update: Holy Wow...

Gah! Just when I think life is balancing out, there's a global pandemic. I handled the first week or so well. Roger was here and we were finding our new normal. I suppose maybe I ought to back up. Roger, for those who don't know, is my youngest and a college student at Michigan State. The school decided to go to online courses and to send as many students home as possible. For 24 hours, I had Ben and Dylan here. Then, they went to my ex-husband's house and I picked up Roger from college. I really like having him here. At the end of a week though, he decided to go over to his dad's as well with the plan of coming back here in a week.

Well, as of today, that plan is on hold. The governor issued a stay home order. We're allowed to go out to get groceries and things like that, but otherwise, we're to stay put for the next three weeks. You'd think that wouldn't phase me because I normally spend stretches of time like that alone, but it's made me anxious as all get out. I can feel a depression hovering around me. I just want to nap all day. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

So, what's a girl to do? Well, I made a list of 5 tasks to get done every day. I decided to tackle my laundry room. It's not in a bad shape, but it could use a bit of a face lift. The litter boxes need changing, shelves need to be wiped down...little things like that. I've broken them down over the week. Next week, I'll make a similar list but the room of focus will be the bathroom. That room needs a good scrub down. Since we're in this situation for three weeks, I'll have to decide which room will come after that. Maybe the living room...or I'll start working my way into "the wall" (aka my studio). I haven't decided yet. Thinking that far ahead freaks me out a bit. One day at a time right now.

Will my list work? It's hard to say but it gives me a focus. I also have client work which once I get started doing holds my attention for as long as I work on it. I guess I need to try to make life as normal as possible right now. One day at a time, one minute at a time, whatever it takes. I'll be doing livestreams on Facebook once a week, I think. Just something to connect with other people. None of us are alone in any of this and it's important for us to remember this.

Take care of yourselves and each other. Stay home. The sooner we all do this, the sooner we can all get together for a huge social dinner...or something...

Much love to everyone out there.

Balance

Two weeks in a row, who would have thought? This is going to be a short post because it's been a very busy day and tomorrow...no, this entire week is going to be crazy. My oldest is visiting until Wednesday night and we have plans to attempt some serious deep cleaning around here. Of course, my plan to have no editing work for this week completely bombed. I have 4 more files for a friend of mine and each file takes me at least a couple of hours. I just seem incredibly slow at it. I'm hoping that he'll be patient and give me a few more days to get them done. I'll message him first thing in the morning and see what kind of timeline he can work with.

Other than that, things are going fairly well. I still don't have a blood pressure monitor, but someone from my past popped up and said he'd like to give me the money to buy one. Since we haven't spoken in about 25 years or more, I have my hesitations but if he comes through, that would be amazing.

I'm still really tired which concerns me. I don't know what's causing it. I did okay today though, but it's the first day that I have. I'm hoping though that it means I've turned a corner with that. It's so hard to balance life when you're spending half of it asleep or feeling out of it with exhaustion.

Balance is obviously a concern. My little editing business seems to be taking off which is incredibly exciting, but I need to figure out how to balance client work with house work and writing. I don't want to stop writing and right now the only writing that I'm doing is a weekly prompt over on Life With Katie that I've managed to do two weeks in a row. Hopefully I can start to find that balance so that I can do all of the things that I need to. Yep, I need to write. It's part of who I am...

For now though, it's nearing midnight and I need to take my medicine and see about getting ready for bed. Tomorrow is talking with my client, working on one of his files, and then Ben and I are going to try to get the kitchen cleaned up. A tidy space helps me keep a tidy mind. Thank goodness for awesome kids who are willing to help out.

Life is Fragile and Absurd

As usual, I've been meaning to write this post for a week, but things kept happening and I kept trying to process them but none of it ever made it here. This post is one big wrap up, I think, but we'll see where it goes.

Let's start with last week...

On Wednesday, I did the usual thing of taking the kid 90 minutes to his lesson and then jazz orchestra rehearsal. On the drive there, we didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, but on the way back was a different story. The car was vibrating loudly from the back and of course, not being mechanics, we had no idea why, but we agreed it was probably bad. Once I dropped Roger off, it started making a series of new sounds so I decided to take it to our "shady" mechanic the next morning. Thursday dawned bright and early and I headed in once I realized that the power was now out at the house for an undetermined amount of time. Except, I didn't get very far. Three miles from home, the car jerked and started making a very loud ka-thump ka-thump noise. I figured this was probably bad so I pulled over. I got out, saw that I still had four tires and all and got back in the car. I started it again and pulled away going maybe ten miles an hour...the ka-thump was so loud that I didn't go even a block before I pulled right back over. A friend called the shop where the owner said he hadn't had a mechanic since January. January?!? What?!? After a small meltdown, we agreed that I should have the car towed to the town I had to go to for Jazz Fest. Did I mention that it was day 1 of Jazz Fest and my youngest would be performing with 2 of his bands for the last time that day? Yeah... Anyway, we managed to find a shop who said they'd look at it, I got to ride in a super high tow truck for 20 miles, got the car dropped off and headed down to Jazz Fest. Did I mention that the shop was now going to "try to get an estimate done" that day. Oy! On the way down to the venue, I stopped at the General Store, thinking they sell General Store type items. Nope. Wrong. They sell...fru fru crafty stuff. Not cell phone chargers which I now knew I was going to need. Scratch that. They did try to sell me a car charger. I'm sure you can imagine my expression at this offer. No car, folks. They did offer me a taffy from their bowl on the counter and after getting to the venue, I eagerly unwrapped it. After all, something good had to happen, right? Wrong. I bit down...into black licorice flavored taffy! Then I tried to wash away the flavor with strawberry lemonade! Ugh! Yep. No winning there. Fast forward to the end of the day and I get word that my car did make it to get an estimate, but wouldn't be done before noon the next day. No worries, I could book a hotel room, right? Nope. Wrong. There are only two hotels and both were booked. My choices? Sleep on a bench in the park or call the ex-husband to see if I could sleep in my oldest kid's room since he was away to school. After much dramatic sighing (by him), he agreed and I spent the evening hanging out with my youngest.

The rest of the weekend wasn't too bad. I got my car back, got to listen to some great jazz, took some pictures of the youngest and his beautiful girlfriend before prom, and then spent Sunday recovering. There was drama, but other than one small breakdown, I weathered it. I'm kind of proud of myself for that.

This week hasn't been too terrible. I've managed to complete one major project and get a lot crossed off on my to do list. My youngest is off in Anaheim at the national competition for Business Professionals of America and I got to pick my oldest up from school yesterday and I'm spending some time hanging out with him. I miss the time I used to have with my boys, but I'm proud of the young men that they've become.

There was one real tragedy from this week though and it's one that I'm still trying to process. On Tuesday, one of my closest friends asked me if I had time for a call. I don't remember the last time we actually spoke on the phone because he's in Canada so it's an expensive call and our schedules don't often match up. I said absolutely because I miss him tons. Unfortunately, it wasn't a happy call. He called to tell me that a mutual friend had died. Part of me is still in shock. Like he said, she was our age and had been taking care of her health. It's terrifying.

So, it's been very much a mixed week and a near constant roller coaster of emotions. I'm a bit tired, but I'm pushing through. I'll be doing a whirlwind trip to Canada to attend her funeral...god, I don't know if there are enough Kleenex on the planet right now...and then back home to try to survive the last few weeks of my youngest's high school career. Final band concert, senior breakfast, awards night, commencement and then his open house. I'm not ready. I'm not even going to pretend that I am.

But, like always, I will keep trying to push forward the best ways that I know how....

And also, as always, take care of yourselves and each other. There is no greater gift on this planet than love.

Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas? Happy holidays?

I find it fairly fascinating as to which posts get any attention and which don't. Maybe one day I'll stop and figure out why it is how it is. Not today though.

Today is Christmas day and I'm sitting on my couch, surrounded by chaos, and completely alone. There were no presents to open, no special breakfast. Just me and ....well, nothing. Just me. Just me and it's hard.

The boys aren't here. They weren't here yesterday either. All of our traditions ...well, none of them happened. I've tried to be brave. I've tried to convince myself that it's okay. After all, they'll be here tonight. My brain and heart keep screaming, "But it's not the same!" I can't really argue because they're right. It's not the same. We don't do Christmas pjs anymore. We don't read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Those are gone the way of the dodo. Now, they're practically grown up and those things seem silly to them. Work schedules kept them from being here last night so our Christmas Eve traditions...the few that were left...didn't happen. Work schedules will keep them from being here until past dinner tonight.

I feel as if I'm whining. I mean, there are worse things in the world, right? Nobody has died. They're getting spoiled at their father's house. Is this just me feeling sorry for myself? I'm always afraid of that. I'm afraid to tell anyone that I'm really struggling seeing all of the happy family pictures and amazing gifts that other people have. I'm afraid that they'll tell me I'm selfish for wanting someone to send me a present...something wrapped up and picked our just for me. It's happened before when I said that I had been checking the mailbox for cards and gifts. I was told that if I want something I should just go out and buy it.

That's not the same though, is it? Besides I don't have money to buy for myself. Every penny that I had went to getting things for the boys, sending out holiday cards to put smiles on other people's faces, and buying things like cat food and toilet paper. Is it so wrong of me to want/need to feel loved today?

I see all of the memes about reaching out to people today to make sure they're okay. Nobody has asked if I'm okay and why would they? They know that I'm most likely not and who wants to bring down their fun, special times with someone who is currently sitting on their couch crying because nobody went to Walmart and bought a $5 Lego pack and mailed it to her?

I'm trying to put on a brave face. I'm saying Merry Christmas and all of that. I'm liking people's photos because I really, truly am happy that they're having wonderful family and love filled days. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I am. I'm just also really, really sad for me. I just feel so very, very alone. No presents, no holiday breakfast, or special dinner...no friends invited me to join them. Hell, not even what remains of my family. In fact, I've had gifts here for my sister and her children for over a year.  There's been no effort made in that time.

Today I realize why so many people kill themselves at the holidays. That feeling of alone seeps deep into you and twists everything. No matter what I do, I can't seem to shake it. Somewhere a part of me knows that people care. The other voice is louder though. It's the one screaming, "If they cared so much, why hasn't your phone rang? Why has nobody texted? Why did nobody invite you over? Why didn't you have one single thing to open this morning?"

Still, that other voice is in there and I'm holding tight to it. I'm holding tight to the knowledge that in 8 hours or so, my living room will be filled with the chaos of wrapping paper and the sounds of my boys as they look through what they got this year. I'm holding on, even though it's hard, and going to go nuke a couple of hot dogs for lunch. Festive, no? Merry Christmas.

So Far, So Good

Well, this is week 2 of the desktop sticky note/daily theme plan and so far it's gone pretty well.  I've had to be a bit flexible with it since things have popped up, but it has helped to wake up each morning with at least an idea of what should get done that day.

Last week, I managed to get half a book proofread, a story written and submitted to an anthology and a major part of the living room cleaned out. I'm thrilled to report that we can now walk around the entire room. So far, so good.

Tomorrow is cleaning day again so my goal is to finish up the living room (few areas that need a pick up, bag of trash to the outside bin, and then vacuum the whole lot), do a load of laundry or two, and maybe even start on the bathroom. The overall goal is to have the living room and bathroom done this week so that next Wednesday, I can start in on the kitchen. That is one project that I am not looking forward to but that is beyond necessary.

Other than that, tomorrow night I'm attending a financial aid seminar at the youngest's school. I can't believe that we're already at college applications and how to fill out a fafsa! I do have to say though that while he seems to be procrastinating on filling out the applications, I am proud of him for coming to me about this seminar to ask if we could go before I had a chance to ask him about it. It helps reassure me as a parent that I've done something right when he shows this level of responsibility.

The rest of the week is busy...proofreading on Thursday and then the first NaNo class for the year. I've never actually taken any sort of writing classes and while this one is about organization, I'm looking forward to an evening of being out and of note taking. Do I need a course on how to be organized? Nope. Am I going to go so that I can start getting into the right mindset and to socialize? You bet your sweet bippy.

Friday is our last home football game and senior night. I can't believe it's Roger's last time performing on that football field during a halftime. I can't say the last time performing on it because Saturday is our marching band invitational and with a lot of luck, they'll be performing the show at the end of that.

So, quite a busy week ahead and there's been some extra stuff thrown in... my oldest son wanting to try out Special Olympics, still jumping through hoops for him to go to school in January, and then a doctor's office calling me today about setting up a surgery consult for January. Oddly enough, I seem to be handling everything okay. Maybe because I have a bit more routine it doesn't throw me as much when something pops up.

I know that this hasn't been the most educational or even fun post, but thank you for taking the time to read it....and I hope you're doing well.

This Is Me

This is me and me is a holy mess today. My oldest son is graduating this evening and it's brought up more emotions than I know how to handle. I'm so proud of him for the work and effort he's put in to get to this point. When he received his cerebral palsy diagnosis, we were warned that he may never get higher than a certificate. He worked hard though and he did it.

Then, there are all of the negative feelings swirling around....

• His stepmother has worked hard at leaving me out of everything major especially since he got to high school. I missed 4 years of homecoming dances and a year of prom because she wouldn't give me the details. Even his graduation...she told me when and where his open house would be. She left me out of all the planning, the making of the photo boards...everything. She sent me an invitation to my own son's open house. I only have the digital copies of his senior pictures because I stole them from the internet...
• ...and as if that's not enough, she shows up to things like banquets and basks in the glow of the praise of how great a kid she is. She takes credit as if she's been his mother for 18 years, as if she's the one who drove 30 minutes each way each and every day to help him with homework, as if she developed serious "bleacher butt" from every sporting event over the past four years. 
• Other parents give her that credit as both her an my ex-husband pretend as if I don't exist, which leaves me feeling like an outsider within the school community. 
• I'm alone. I sat for 2.5 hours at honor's night. Everywhere around me, families sat cheering on their seniors. Not me. I sat there all by myself, nobody to turn to say, "Hey, look what he did! He just got a scholarship!" Nobody to snap pictures or to squeeze my hand. No family to share this with. No partner. Just me. Alone.
• I decided to clear out my phone today so I could take video and I came across photos of the man that I desperately love but will probably never have any kind of future with and since I'm so vulnerable, it was like an arrow through the heart, taking my breath away. 

....and this is perhaps the "silliest" ....Graduation is a special event, one you don't show up to in jeans and a t-shirt and yet, the only dress clothes that I own is a black dress, that I bought for a special night out that I was to have with the above mentioned man. It's never been worn and I can't bring myself to wear it now. Yet, I know that the stepmom will show up dressed to the nines and looking amazing because she always does. She's everything that I'm not and today I'm feeling that. 

Still, I'll go and I'll clap and I'll cheer because this is my baby and I wouldn't miss it for anything. He's my miracle baby and I am so insanely proud of him. I always will be, no matter where he goes in this world.

So why this title? I'm watching The Greatest Showman and this song never fails to bring me to tears as I struggle with who I am. Somehow, today, as I struggle with all of my emotions and with knowing that somehow, perhaps despite of who I am, I have raised one amazing young man, it just seemed to fit.

Being Brave is Hard

Last week, I wrote a post about where I am right now. In it, I mentioned that it was almost a summary of a few posts that would be coming. This is the first of those posts.

Most of you probably didn't see my 2018 goals post over on Life With Katie. In it, I put Be Brave as one of my goals. That may seem silly. Brave is something you are, not something you do, right? Wrong. This isn't the soldier on the battlefield kind of brave..no wait, it kind of is. Every day is a battle for some people. So, let me try that again. This isn't "accidental" or subconscious bravery. This isn't the kind where you just do it. I'm talking about the kind of brave that is a conscious decision...and that, my friends, is the kind of brave that is hard and exhausting.

Let me give you an example:
Things between me and the man are a bit odd right now. I have my suspicions as to why and I'm not going to share them here. The problem is that when things go a bit wonky in this relationship, it's insanely hard for me. My PTSD kicks in and it's incredibly easy for me to start to spiral to a very bad

place. I spent a day in a very bad place. Then, I decided that I had to get brave. I had chosen it for a goal and now was the perfect time to practice that. After all, if you practice something enough, it becomes habit and wouldn't life be easier if decisions became second nature and not always such a conscious thing?

So, the next morning, I took a lot of deep breathes, cried some more tears, and then I made a list of what I wanted to get done by the end of the month. Then, I started with the little things...I ordered my son's birthday gift, I sent out things that needed to be sent... at the end of the day, I had a decent sized list of things that I had gotten myself to do.

And then I slept for two days...

Yep. For the following two days, all I did was sleep. Forcing myself to be productive instead of curling up in a ball took every bit of energy that I had. Then, I had to convince myself that it was okay and that I didn't need to beat myself up that the list wasn't progressing and that instead, I was thinking of more things to add to it. I had to remind myself that if I pushed too hard, too fast, I'd be useless and useless isn't something you can be when you have children who need you. So, I slept when my body said sleep and I did when I had to do. Now, it's a new week and I'm making that same decision...to be brave, even though I know what it might lead to.

If I'm not brave, if I just give into the anxiety and the fears, I won't be who I want to be. I have to fight, even if it's through choosing my battles and even if things take longer than a month. I didn't get to where I'm at overnight and I won't get away from it overnight either.

So, to all of you who are struggling right now...it's okay. You're not alone. Try to find a way to be a little bit brave each day. Maybe that's just putting on pants, or eating breakfast, or sending out that email that you know that you should. It doesn't have to be huge, it just has to be something. I know what it will tire you out. That's okay too. Take the time that you need to recover. Be kind to yourself. I know just how easy it is to beat yourself up until you're curled up in a ball. Life is hard, but somewhere, deep down inside all of us is a little bit of brave.

Things Are Happening!

I love this graphic. It's so peaceful and calming and nothing like my bladder today. You see, I have horrible allergy issues and one of the few things that helps is to take a drink of water and hold it in my mouth on the side of my face that is giving me a hard time. Why does this work? I haven't the slightest idea. It might have something to do with equalizing pressure or some other scientific type thing. All I know is that it works and for the past 18 hours or so, I have ingested a lot of water because of this. In fact, last night it got so bad that I was having to take a drink every five minutes. This led to a few bonus bathroom trips and me being exceptionally tired today.

Still, I know that the water intake is good for me. It will help cleanse my body of junk and will help me have more energy. You know, when it isn't in direct competition with sinus pain keeping me awake. Plus, the more water in me, the less hungry I'll be which can be a very good thing. Though it didn't stop me from eating those reece's cups a bit ago...but let's move on, shall we?

I've been at the library all day trying to get around the desire to nap and instead get some things accomplished. On top of the site work that I did over on Life With Katie, I accomplished drinking 33.8+ ounces of water and going to the bathroom four times. While a bit obnoxious, there's a good side to the bathroom thing too! On Sunday morning I finally found my fitbit charging cable! Now that it's charged and back on my wrist, it's keeping track of all those steps to and from the bathroom.

So far today, I've walked 1,703 steps. It doesn't seem like much but every step counts and with my daily goal being low at 3,000 steps, I'm pretty happy with that number. I'm not a lazy person but I'm absolutely not a very active person either. By finding my FitBit, it's allowing me to visually see where I'm at and its little nudges help me get up and get a few more steps in. I'm sticking with my 3,000 steps a day goal for now but I'm hoping by the end of summer to have doubled that number and to be hitting it regularly.

The same thing goes with my water intake. Today I should hit 64 ounces if I stay on the pace I am now. I'd like to hit that daily. I know some day it will be a challenge, but I also know that if I don't try, I'll never get it.  If I hadn't started taking my medicine, I wouldn't be able to say that I've been nearly perfect at taking it for the past two months. For an entire year before that, I didn't take it. Now, I may miss a day here or there, but I'm taking it. That's awesome.

I have a long ways to go with things. I still need to work on my diet and figuring out some sort of schedule for this summer. Between Roger being gone for another two weeks and then coming back and Ben working five days a week, things have been dodgy. I'm going to keep working on it though and I really love the support y'all give me.

Mamavation Monday - Unplugging

Wow, 7:30pm on a Monday night and I am just now finding a few minutes to write this post. Life around here is crazy busy and it's not going to slow down until probably around the 18th or so. It's making me take a good long look at what's happening and what needs to give a bit so I can make sure what needs to happen does happen.

Sadly, I think that's going to be my playtime online. I've found that if I have twitter open, I'm far more likely to sit and chat than I am to get up and fight with that kitchen sink. So, until things settle down, expect to see a bit less of me. This just gives all of you with my number an excuse to call and text me. I do miss the calls and texts I used to get.

Anyway, life is chugging along. Today, I spent an hour plus in the pool with 5th graders and then went up and worked out. My body is a bit in awe. I've been slacking recently and today was a good reminder that I need to find the time for more workouts and less leftover holiday stuffing...or fresh that I just made up the other night. ;)

I do want to ask you guys for some extra support though over the next couple of weeks. I know that's going to be harder to give since I'm going to be online less,  but have no fear, I check email and my phone and facebook and...yeah, I'll still be around a lot. The reason I'm asking for support is pretty simple. My son, Ben, who so many of you have loved and supported, is having hamstring lengthening surgery next week. He's going to be in a lot of pain afterwards but we're hoping and praying that this will make his life a little easier in the long run. Keep us in your thoughts as we go through this.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed and chaotic but time is ticking and there's still so much to do!

Average Daily Water Intake: 30oz, give or take

Workouts:
Weight Change: 251.2 (-9.4 pounds)
Overall Weight Change: -40.4 pounds

Mamavation Monday - It was bound to happen

Do you know this boy? I do. That's my oldest son standing outside of Spartan Stadium on Saturday morning. We were incredibly blessed to be gifted two tickets to attend Saturday's game against Indiana. Ben is what I'd call a superfan. He rarely misses a game if it's televised. He knows the players names. He cried when the quarterback came off the field to allow the second string quarterback a bit of experience. You see, the quarterback is a senior and this was his last home game.

My plans for this weekend didn't include driving 45 minutes to Lansing. I was going to clean (desperately needed) and focus on the holidays. Instead, we dropped everything and went. Know what? I wouldn't go back and change that decision for anything. This boy, so eager to see his team, didn't hesitate when faced with a huge flight of stairs up to our seats in the 59th row. Instead, he handed me his blanket and put one hand on the bench in front of him and hauled himself up. He hauled himself up all of those steps. He jumped to his feet cheering when his team scored. He threw himself at me and hugged me. He didn't let the fact that he has cerebral palsy slow him down one bit. He didn't complain when we had to walk down 8 flights (4 stories) worth of stairs after the game. He just did what he had to do and is already asking me if we can go again next year.

I need to take my inspiration from this little boy. He could have looked at those steps and said mom, I can't do this. Instead, he climbed. He could have stayed rooted in his seat because we were so far up but instead, he cheered and jumped up to support those guys down on the field.

This week, I've had roadblocks in so many aspects of my life. My house still looks like a tornado ripped through it. I lost days worth of kitchen cleaning and catch up because my sink blocked up. We got it fixed, just to find out that instead of fixed, it's now draining into the other sink. The plumber doesn't want to come back out even though he said it was fixed. Justin is still 2300 miles away with no sign of him being here anytime soon. It will probably be another 2 months until I see him again and then just for a weekend. The strain of the distance is especially horribly hard during the holidays. Take all that and the one week a month I hate hate hate to weigh in (women, you know which one) and the gain resulting from massive amounts of water retention and other blech and yeah, last night I said flat out, I want to admit defeat.

Will I? No. I'm going to try really hard to take a lesson from my son and just keep going, to focus on the good that's happening and hope that those who are around me this week can take a bit of inspiration instead of seeing only what I didn't get done.

Average Daily Water Intake: -- I'm honestly not sure.

Workouts: Friday swimming with the 5th graders & allll those stairs at the stadium with a few pushups thrown in.
Weight Change: 268.8 (+7 pounds) <-- The scale picture doesn't lie, but umm...yeah...wow. That's precisely what I lost last week. It will come off again.
Overall Weight Change: -22.8 pounds

Farewell to a Dream

This is me this morning. I feel like a beautiful landscape overshadowed with storm clouds. Last night, we had to make one of the toughest decisions that I've had to make for a long time. We had to decide to withdraw from the running in the Mamavation campaign. I didn't want to. I cried and agonized over this decision. I'm still crying this morning. Getting into a campaign has been a goal of mine for the past 6 months. I thought we had finally found the time to do it and we applied. We applied and were made finalists. I know that everyone who applied was made a finalist, but still, it felt good. It felt so good to see the support and the love that I didn't know was there.

I know people will ask what happened. I know they'll want to know why we pulled out. I can only say family. We had to pull out from a campaign that could have helped us and our boys so much because of my family. My grandmother, who in all reality is my mother, has cancer and my uncles no longer want her staying alone because she's fallen a couple of times and laid there on the floor because she didn't want to be a bother to anyone in the middle of the night. Even though there are 6 grown adult children over there, they can't seem to figure this out on their own and want me to step in.

Do you want to know the truth? I'm angry. I'm angry as hell with them. I'm angry that I'm the grandchild and I have to be the grown up for them because they can't do it themselves. I'm angry that some of them are so self-focused that they don't stop to think that I have a family. I have children. I have things I should be doing. But, I love my grandmother and would do anything for her and if me being there makes the time she has left easier, I'll sacrifice for that.

The worst part? It's not that I feel like I'm letting Leah and everyone down, though that part is hard. It's the fact that my 11 year old son had a well child check up this morning and was in the 93rd percentile for weight. For most kids, that wouldn't be a big deal. For a child with cerebral palsy, who has joint and muscle issues, it is. We've been told we have to get his weight down by January. If it's not, she's going to put him through thyroid and diabetes testing.

I'm angry and I'm scared and I'm in tears as I write this post. I feel like I've been a horrible parent for allowing his weight to get that high. Don't bother telling me how he's at his dad's house 5 days a week and I'm not responsible for that. It doesn't matter. I'm his mom. I'm his mom and because of 6 grown adults who can't get their act together, I just had to give up an opportunity that could have helped my baby boy.

So, to everyone who has supported us or voted to us, I have to say thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. I thought we had no chance of winning and then suddenly there were all these people saying they'd voted for us and cheering us on. Thank you. With everything I have in me, thank you.

Now, I have to go blow my runny nose, wipe my eyes and take a few deep breathes. After all, I may not be the super mom who can do it all, but I still have a 2 week challenge workout to complete, a guest post to write, a phone charger to buy, a weight room/pool punch card to buy, healthy snacks to research, a massively difficult conversation with my ex-husband to have and whatever else life throws at me today.

I am so sorry to those I have let down, including myself. I feel like a failure right now because I couldn't do it all. I hope you can forgive me.

Mamvation Monday - Changes

Happy Monday, everyone! I'm sick as heck with an end of summer cold. Yesterday, I was feeling better and got all productive and then Wham! Bam! (batman sound effects anyone?), I was like oh shoot, maybe I shouldn't have done that. I spent the rest of the night curled up under a blanket fighting off hot and cold flashes. Today, I feel like my head is full of that stuff over to the left there. Ewwww! Yep, total grossness.

Let's see, other than that, last week was pretty good. My oldest son had his first school dance on Friday. I don't know how it's possible that either of us is old enough for that. What's different at his school is that they hold them right after school. The dances run from 3:30pm to 5:30pm. I like that but at the same time, I remember the fun I had at home primping and prettying myself up and the kids miss out on that.

Other than that, it was a pretty typical week around here. Ok, no it wasn't. What am I thinking? I think the snot monster stole my brain for a minute there. I almost forgot the drama of early last week when it took me 3 days to set the surgery appointment for my son. I finally got that sorted so keep us in your thoughts for December 13th. He's having hamstring lengthening surgery and any surgery scares this mama to death.

Then, there was the whole I'm going to repaint my bathroom fun. I know a lot of people think of me as Little Miss DIY (is there a t-shirt for that?) and I admit, I love playing with power tools and this kind of thing. In fact, I asked for a laser level for my birthday. I did. I haven't gotten very far in the process because there's a lot of prep work to do and silly me, I forgot to buy an extra small roller to do my stripes. I'm fixing that today, though.  Want to see what's done so far? Well give me a minute to offload my camera and I'll show you!

Sadly, these aren't the best of pictures due to the time of day that I was painting but hopefully they'll give you some idea of the icky peachy tan color it was before and the loveliness of the creamy white we're putting up now. 

Other than that, the only big thing happening with the family is our annual school fundraiser. I love this fundraiser because a) we don't have to sell anything for it and b) it promotes activity and movement. What I don't love? I can't seem to get anyone to sponsor my son for it. For the event, the kids move and groove their way through a multiple station obstacle course. There are a lot of laughs and a lot of fun movement involved. Roger has a goal this year of raising $500. So far, he has $0 and we only have until the 30th to raise the money. If anyone would like to help out, contact me and I can give you my paypal information.

Oooh, I suppose I ought to also say that Friday is my birthday and for the first time in years, I'm excited about it. I won't have made my weight loss goal but that's ok. This year has had some serious ups and downs but thanks to Mamavation and some very awesome friends and my amazing family, I'm actually happy to be here and looking forward to the coming year. I consider this my nonscale victory for this whole past year.

Now, for the numbers:

Average Daily Water Intake: 40oz
Workouts: Nothing formal.
Weight Change:278.4 (-5.0 pounds)
Overall Weight Change: -13.2 pounds 

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

How are you planning to change up your workout as summer ends?

Changing it? I need to find one again. I guess that's my big change. I didn't really have a workout over the summer and it's more than time that I find one again. If life allows and I find some determination, you'll be seeing that information by workouts changing soon.

This post is sponsored by Mamavation and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women

Mamavation Monday - Homework is Fun

I cannot believe how fast this summer is whipping by. It just doesn't seem possible that it's Monday again. The calendar says it is though. So, what have I been up to this past week?


Let's see...Most of last week was taken up with cleaning and preparing to go down to Toledo to celebrate with Chris and Lauren. Can I just say that they are seriously one good looking couple? I'm so happy to see them so happy. They had a great reception and I hope they enjoyed it as much as their guests did. I know that the boys had fun and that they especially liked the hotel that we stayed at. I don't blame them I thought it was really nice too. Plus, we got a free breakfast and the boys got an hour in the pool before we headed back North. 


On the way home, we stopped by my grandmother's house and I was happy to see her up and making herself some lunch. My mother has been spreading stories about how she has lung cancer and breast cancer and let me tell you, she had me scared. There's still the chance of cancer but she's been cleared in both of those areas. She's undergoing more tests and they'll be going over the results with her doctor, mid-September. That tells me that this isn't a panic situation. I can relax a little.


As for now, the boys and I are preparing for company, camping and the start of school. I found out last night that their dad's girlfriend did a benefit sale on her Etsy shop and raised enough money to buy Ben a new netbook for school. That means the laptop that Ryan sent us will stay here at my house and be used to work on computer skills for both of the boys. I am so very thankful for the support that people have shown us. It truly is amazing what people will do to help when you just reach out. Please, go and give both Misty and Ryan some love.  
Speaking of love, I just have to say that I have loved all the homework chats that Gena and I have instigated this week. I'm envious that she got asked to speak tonight at Mamavation tv. I know she's going to have everyone laughing and smiling though. Of course, that reminds me of the other thing I started this week. I've started a new website partially inspired by the homework discussions. It's called Straight Sex Talk and it can be found at http://www.straightsextalk.com . That's a nice and easy url, huh?


I bet you've noticed that I haven't mentioned a single thing about fitness or weight loss in this post. That's because this past week was also one where I did a bit of self-reflection. I realized that I've been feeding myself (and you that read) a bunch of excuses as to why I wasn't doing what I should be doing.  That's all they are.  So, I'm starting over and I'm starting with water. Just water. I'm not pushing myself to the point where it's too much and I give up. I'm going to find my water bottle, get it filled up and start drinking while I leave my comment love for my sistas.


Average Daily Water Intake: 30oz
Workouts: Nothing formal.
Weight Change:276.6 (-.4 pounds)
Overall Weight Change: -15.0 pounds 


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Question: Why do you think exploring intimacy is an important part of a healthy lifestyle?

As humans, we all have a desire to belong and to love and be loved. Intimacy is a part of how we meet this need. Intimacy doesn't have to be physical. An intimate relationship is simply a close interpersonal relationship. Exploring those types of relationships fulfills those needs and helps us to be healthier (mentally) and happier people.

 “This post is sponsored by Eden Fantasys and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation.

Mamavation Monday - Yes, it's still Monday!

 Whew, what a day! All in all, I would say it was a good one but it sure was filled with some stressors. I woke up this morning, feeling a bit like the guy on the left there..like I was barely hanging on. It was early. I hadn't had enough sleep. I needed to get kids around (except they were already around and ready to go!), get the cats crated and outside to the back porch, get me around, set of the bug bombs for fleas, get in the van, drive to the ex's house...I think y'all get the point.

So why was I up this early? Totally for a kiddo. Ben (11 yr old w/ Cerebral Palsy for newcomers) had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon this morning. We've decided that he needs to have hamstring lengthening surgery and contrary to what her nurse told us, she can't squeeze us in until something after mid-September. This didn't make his dad happy. He doesn't want him missing a week of school. So, solution? Christmas break. Yep. That's his solution. Ugh. Sometimes it's like juggling knives, hoping you made the right decisions for the kiddo and the right ones to keep everything on an even keel. It's stressful but as a mom, you do what you gotta do. As my kiddos would say, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

Life throws you lemons and you make...not lemonade, that's so overdone. I suggest we make fresh lemon tarts or something. No wait, that might not be so healthy. Hmm...hang on... ..Ok, back! I suggest we make Lemon-Garlic Shrimp & Vegetables! You get what you get and you make it work. Plus, doesn't that look delicious?!? 

Now, speaking of working (fabulous segue don't you think?), working out is going to be the next thing added back into my life. I won't be able to do huge workouts yet, but I can do little ones and every little itty bit helps. In fact, I'm going to be calling on a few friends to push me in this area. Don't be surprised if some of you hear from me real soon about this.

I'm not at the top of that mountain yet. In fact, I'm really not even close. However, I am one heck of a lot closer than I was a year ago when I had no idea that I could really do any of this. Yes, I still struggle. I struggle a lot. I don't give up though and that's the key. I keep going. I figure out something isn't working and I think ah ha! there's an area to work on. One babystep at a time, I'm doing this and I know all of you can do it too. Never give up. Never surrender. (Yes, I know I'm a geek.)

The best part of all this is the fact that I now have a support system. I probably don't use it near enough. In fact, I know that I don't. I've always been more the sit back and let people come to me type and in this case, I really need to step out and say hey, here I am. This is where I am. This is where I need help. Can you help me? I know each and every one of them will say yes, what can I do? Good Friends = Good Support = Love = Me Doing This.

Win a Treadmill? Yes, please!

Yes, my lovelies, this is another post where I hope, pray, fingers crossed, oh please oh please oh please pick me beg to win something totally awesome to help me in my weight loss/fitness journey.  However, hopefully you'll all take something away from it, as well.

Fitness and living healthy is something that has become really important to me over the last few months. I've wanted to be a skinnier person for years, but I never really connected skinnier to healthier. How short sighted is that? I was focused on only one aspect and never stopped to realize that just like a lot of life, it's about the big picture. If I want to be a smaller person (no more skinny talk!), then I have to be a healthier person. No more weeks of eating nothing but high sugar, etc cereal. No more sitting on my butt doing absolutely nothing for hours on end.  I look back to one of the happiest period of my life and I realize that I was always up and moving. No, I wasn't working out but I was moving around the house. I was playing with my babies and I was cleaning and organizing. We all know how happy organizing makes me! If you don't, check out my other blog.

One of the challenges for this post was to share some of my fitness tips with all of you. Well, guess what? I don't really have very many because I'm just starting out on this journey. However, I will share a few things with you that I'm learning as I go.

• Water is important. Heck, our bodies are made up of tons of it and just like you sometimes flush out your radiator (no, I don't know why I'm using a car analogy here, but just go with it!), you need to keep your system flushed. Otherwise, ickiness (Yes, that is a word, I swear.) will build up inside and your body will slow down.
• Exercise is important. We need to sweat out the ickiness. Our muscles need to be used or they don't stay muscles. Muscles are good. They keep the body moving and living and being strong. 
• Don't try to do too much at once. I see a lot of people who are trying to up their water intake, increase their exercise and totally change their diet at once. Chances are it's not going to work. It's too much. It takes something like 21 days to create a habit. It takes way longer if you're trying to change a ton of habits all at once.
• Habits can be like sneaky ninjas..or in my case, like those moles in Whack a Mole. They pop up under my feet and try to trip me up. Be prepared to do a bit of dodging and whacking. This isn't easy. It takes time to build up these skills. If you trip, pick yourself back up and keep going.
• Don't give up. If you need help, ask for it. I lean on my Mamavation sistas all the time. I'm blessed because Angela lets me text her a hundred times a day. Sometimes, she even challenges me and pushes me. Don't tell her, but secretly I love it and I am excited and thrilled when she does. If you need a fitness buddy or someone to be a Water Warrior with you, ask. Heck, if you need, ask me. I have 3 people that I text each day to remind them to drink and I don't mind doing it, at all!

Now, to the other part...Why do I deserve a treadmill? Those types of questions are always so hard for me to answer because of that word deserve. I can't say that I deserve one more than anyone else. I just can't. I don't know everyone's situation and I would bet that there are tons of folks out there who are deserving. So, I'm going to tell you why I need one and how we, as a family, could use one. 

• Michigan can have some seriously fickle weather sometimes and it's not always possible to get outside to walk.
• My 11 year old has cerebral palsy and having a treadmill in the home could do wonders for keeping him loose and moving.
• My 10 year old is really getting into Fitness and being healthy. I know he would love to be able to use something like this.
• I need to lose weight. I am not at a weight where I feel even remotely comfortable running/jogging/walking in public. Having a piece of equipment, inside of my home, that would allow me to help shed those pounds would be an amazing blessing. 
• This one is a bit silly, but Jim and Deanne have fitness equipment and I want some too!
• I really do want to change my life and the lives of my children. I want them to grow up to be healthy, active and happy men. I want to be a healthy, happy and active mom. I want to be able to run around with them and not get exhausted from it. 
• I can't afford a gym membership or fitness equipment. I'm working out now thanks to a sale on a dvd and the generosity of someone doing a giveaway. The truth is, I need help and for once, I'm not being afraid to ask for it. 

If you made it this far, thank you! I know this was one heck of a long post. I hope that everyone takes a little bit of something away from it, even if it's just that "Wow, this girl can just keep writing!"

I wrote this blog post while participating in the Bookieboo and Hayneedle Treadmill blogging program, making me eligible to win a treadmill. For more information on how you can participate, click here.