Thursday, June 16, 2016

Small Changes

Just a quick check in to let you all know that I'm still out here. I thought life would get quieter once the boys were out of school, but who was I kidding? I spent a week at my ex-husband's dog sitting, got home on Tuesday and then spent the past two days working (I work from home, thank goodness!) and running the boys to their things!

I've also been trying to focus on small changes. I've given up drinking almost everything outside of water. Since the allergies have cleared out, I'm finding it harder to keep my intake up, but I'm not giving up!

I've also made another that for me wasn't so little. At Roger's insistence, I joined the city band. It's a volunteer band made up of high schoolers and community members that put on a one hour concert each week. I haven't played regularly in 20 years and social anxiety was strong. It wasn't until we pulled up to the school for this week's rehearsal and I saw how disappointed Roger was that I was going to chicken out that I made the decision to do it. If I made a fool of myself, so be it. Turns out that yes, I suck and can't even remember all the fingerings, but nobody made fun of me. They just told me to play what I could and fake the rest. Music used to be a major part of my life with playing flute and singing in multiple groups. It's something that my ex-husband didn't enjoy so I quit. Well, now, it's another thing I'm reclaiming. The group meets/performs for the next 4 weeks and I'm going to try to be at each one.

Other than that, not much is happening. I go to the weight loss management introduction meeting next Tuesday evening. The boys will be at their dad's this weekend, so I'm also considering doing a fridge purge/scrub down while they're gone. This will help prepare for the healthier groceries that I'm going to try to buy this coming week. It's not going to be perfect, but small steps are still steps and I'm still taking them.

Hopefully they'll start leading to small results! I'm off for now. I need to flip on over to Life With Katie and schedule more Crockpot Monday posts! I'll check back in after the meeting on Tuesday, if not sooner. Have a great week, everyone!

Monday, June 6, 2016

Facing My Fears

I just wanted to pop on and post a quick update. I was supposed to go to the weight clinic on the 8th, but that's had to change. The boys' dad and his wife are driving down to Virginia to help his parents move up here and they've decided to leave Wednesday after work instead of Thursday morning. Since Roger has a band rehearsal on Wednesday night, mom duties are coming ahead of me making that informational meeting.

I'm not walking away from it though. I called this morning and changed my registration to the next session which is the 21st. Roger will be away at jazz camp and Ben will be here, but I think he'll be okay with being alone for a couple of hours while I go and do this. He wants me to be healthy and I'll explain to him what it is that I'm doing and why.

I also know that I have to start working on changes. This meeting isn't going to be a magic pill or anything like that. One bonus of having really horrible allergies and being on meds for them is the fact that I really started upping my water intake. I'm someone who is chronically dehydrated so this is a big step for me. Of course, I can't seem to stop drinking and so now I'm in the bathroom every 20 minutes...sheesh! One extreme to another with this body of mine. Still, there's no way anyone can accuse me of being dehydrated right now.

Still, I'm in pain. Part of it is severe allergies, but I suspect that another part is dental. I've always had really bad teeth. I remember numerous fillings, having teeth pulled, braces and all sorts of ick. Because of all of that, I've developed a fairly serious anxiety issue when it comes to dental work. On top of that, one of the "side effects" of my mental health issues is the fact that when things get bad, I let personal hygiene things slide...including my teeth. So, bad teeth combined with bad habits equals really bad teeth right now. I have multiple broken teeth and cavities. I know that seeing a dentist is going to be a miserable experience so I put it off even more. It becomes an ugly cycle.

Tonight though I took the first step in breaking that cycle. I found a clinic about 20 minutes from here that takes my insurance, which was a feat in itself. Then, I filled out the new patient form online and submitted it. Sometime in the next couple of days they'll call me and we'll set up the first appointment where I'll go in and have x-rays done and a consultation. The second appointment is a cleaning and then they go from there. I'm scared to death, but hopefully they'll be kind and understanding. I'm also a tiny bit proud of me. I took that first step and often that's one of the hardest ones. From here on out, it's just showing up to the appointments and lots of deep breathes. I can do this. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt, but the end will be worth it.

So, another step taken. In the next while lots of changes will be happening and while they may be scary, they're going to be good. I'm taking charge of my life, reclaiming my world, and it's a good thing.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Something Has to Change

As some of you may know, I've been down and out with horrible, rotten allergies for the past two weeks. I could live with the congestion, but man, the pain is just too much. So what's a girl to do? She hauls herself off to urgent care in the hopes that they can give her something to make it feel at least a little bit better. That's what I did...and that's where this post begins.

Since I had to go grocery shopping anyway, I decided to go to the urgent care that's over near where I wanted to shop. I hadn't been there before and so I was a little bit surprised when they had me step on the scale in addition to all the usual tests. The number I saw there terrified me. I had suspected that I had been putting on weight again, but not nearly as much as that number showed. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been at. Then, when she took my blood pressure and that was also high, something just shifted inside of me. I have to do something. If I don't, I'm going to die. That may sound dramatic, but it really isn't. At the weight I'm at, my body has to work harder at every single thing it does. This puts wear and tear on heart, my lungs, my joints...and those things can wear out completely.

My doctor warned me back in August about my weight and my blood pressure. She wasn't particularly kind about it and it made me defensive.  This time, nobody said a word. They just showed me the numbers when they came up. Then, I spent a week thinking about those numbers and what they mean to me. Those numbers are the reason that I have trouble climbing up or down stairs. They're the reason I won't volunteer to chaperone trips with the boys. They're the reason that I have some of the health problems that I do.

The numbers scared me, but they got me thinking and for that, I'm thankful. For too long, I've let pride get in the way of me getting help in this area. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up, food was a sanctuary of sorts. My grandmother used food as a way to show us that she loved us. I never walked into that house without an immediate offer of being fed being made. As I grew older, food became either a way to fill the holes in my emotional world or a control object. Soon I hope to write an entire post regarding my relationship with food. This isn't that post.

This post is about the decision that I've made. Twice now, my doctor has given me a referral to the Sparrow Hospital Weight Management Clinic. Twice, I let get pride get in the way. I told myself that I've lost weight before and that it's not rocket science. I can do this alone. The truth is that I can't do this alone. When I'm doing it alongside someone, I do okay. When I have that accountability. The problem with that comes along when the other person meets their goal or they don't take the time/make the effort to be my cheerleader. When that happens, it's easy to make excuses and let things slide.

It's time to stop the cycle. It's time to get the help that I need to understand what it is that I need to do. If what that is equals therapy, so be it. If what that is means surgery to help my body start helping itself again, so be it. So, I made the courageous decision to attend a meeting next week at the weight management clinic. It's just an introduction to what they do there so I can see if it's the right fit. I suspect that so long as insurance covers it, I'll be going there on a far more regular basis and finding my way to healthy again. After all, I want to be able to ride roller coasters with my boys, to travel comfortably on trips, and most importantly to live a long, long life where I watch all my dreams and hard work turn into something amazing.

I've also made the decision to keep this off of social media for the time being. I'll be posting about it here and over on Life With Katie as things happen and I treasure any support that I get, but this is a private decision and that on some level, I need to do for me on my own.

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