Weekly Update: Yawn...

Ello all you lovely people who pop in to read my ramblings. It's Monday and that weekend was a doozy. I spent a good portion of Saturday texting with Rob and wrapping up a client's book. Nothing super exciting. Sunday was a tad more exciting. I had planned on writing, but instead made the courageous decision to go grocery shopping.

Okay, courageous might be an exaggeration. For the most part everyone is complying with #MaskOnMichigan ...why did I just hashtag that? Anyway...it's not much of a scary thing to go, I suppose. I just really didn't want to and had to talk myself into it.  I got to Walmart and immediately a woman stopped me to ask if my tires helped the car in the winter. I said nothing helps that car in the winter. It's too light weight to handle snow well. Turns out she has one that's a year older and feels the same way. After that chat, I actually did my shopping. I was only stopped one other time and that was by a U of M fan asking who had dressed me that morning since I was wearing my favorite MSU hoodie. Yes, I 100% put on an oversized hoodie so I wouldn't have to put on a bra and it be totally obvious. I also had a lovely five minute or so chat with a lovely couple in produce. I know that's probably frowned upon but that was my first in person socialization since Tuesday. I badly needed just to talk to someone, even if it was mostly about how much Covid sucks and petting zoos that are still open.

Got out to the car and I had almost no energy but I loaded it up, stopped at Wendy's for some dinner (I hadn't eaten yet that day.) and drove home. This is when things started to go downhill. I had bought mostly perishables so they had to come into the house. I think it took me four trips from car to front porch and then that many to go from front porch to living room where I sat the bags all on the table. I managed to get half of them put away when I had to stop and sit down. I was lightheaded and short of breath. After a half hour or so, I got the rest of them put away, but I wasn't feeling right so I laid back down on the couch and texted with Rob and Justin. Justin thinks I need to have a lung capacity test done in case I damaged my lungs when I had pneumonia. Rob questioned if it hadn't been covid. I dunno. I just know that this is how it's been since I had it and it sucks. I have no physical stamina.

It took three hours before I felt normal again. Gross. By that time it was too late to really do anything so I mostly just watched tv and talked about me moving with Rob. I have to do it. I know it's coming. I just don't know where to move to. I do know that it's going to be super scary for me and that, on some level, I ought to be preparing for it now...trying to downsize, etc. Just the idea of trying to pack up this house is completely overwhelming. I'll probably start doing it a good six months before the actual move. I know I'll start with "the wall" aka my studio because it can be a staging area for boxes from other rooms.

Anyway, no use worrying over that now when I have enough other worries. I suspect that some of you may want to know what's up between Rob and myself. Well, I proposed that we just keep being "us"...carrying on how we have been but that he had to promise on all things holy to communicate with me, even if he was afraid of how I might respond. He did and so, for now, we're mostly cursing covid which is keeping us from seeing each other. Who knows how long it will be until the border is open again. It sucks, but it is what it is. At least this is happening now and not back when we'd have had to write letters and then wait weeks to hear back, right? Now I can pick up my phone and shoot him off a text message.

I wish I had something grand to say here. I'm doing better, which is good. I'm struggling with my relationship with "the man" especially with Rob back in my life. I pretty much live a life of solo polyamory so it's not being with both of them that's the issue. It's comparing how one treats me versus how the other one does. I've grown tired of being ignored for days on end just to have "the man" act like it didn't happen. I don't have the emotional sporks though to confront him right now though. I need to focus on a hundred other things.

I suppose that's all for today. It's kind of a blah post for a blah day. I'm going to grab something to eat and then dive into some work. I'm excited that I have two different comics on deck right now.  It's a lovely palate cleanser before I dive into another novel. For all of you, have a marvelous day. You're all important in your own way.

PS If you want to get a good night's sleep, I don't recommend getting two kittens. On Saturday night, Mina figured out the stairs and bed. Last night, she showed Apollo. 

Also, my birthday is in nine days and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I have zero plans and zero expectations that other than Facebook posts, anyone will do anything for it...

When do you say goodbye?

I should be working. Instead, here I am again. I'm feeling really insecure today and I know why, no matter how much I want to ignore it. It's "the man." We've been together for over five years now. I've stood beside him as he fought for custody of his kids, decided if he wanted to stay married to his wife, and what feels like a thousand other things. I don't know though if he's stood by me. Honestly, I feel ignored and taken for granted. That's the problem when you love as hard as I do. People tend to figure out that you aren't going anywhere.

The first couple of years that we were together were great. We talked all the time either via text or email or sometimes both at the same time. At some point though, the emails stopped. Then, over time, the texts slowed down. He used to share ideas with me, send me pictures, and just be there whenever I needed him. I don't remember the last time he sent me a picture. I find out about his ideas via Facebook...and I don't remember the last time he told me that he loved me. He's never been one to say it frequently but I've never gone without being able to remember the last time. We used to fall asleep together, texting back and forth. Now he never texts me around that time unless it's every once in a great while to say goodnight. He used to always call me by a nickname that he had for me, now he never does. He used to tell me I'm beautiful, now he tells someone else.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I realized that even when I ask him for something small...like a photo or a message, that he never does it. Twice in the past month he'd told me he'll send me photos "soon" or "soon enough." He hasn't.

The past few days he hasn't even responded to my texts really. I send him a lovely one yesterday morning and he ignored it. Last night, when he'd posted to Facebook that he was done writing, I sent him a message. His reponse? "Writing" ...except you just said you were done. I told him I'd leave him alone. I haven't messaged him since. He probably won't even notice if all day goes by and he doesn't hear from me.

It's so hard. When we're physically together, things are so good between us. We talk about things. When we're apart, I feel like he forgets about me.

Then, there's Rob. I'm so damn insecure with that. I don't know what he wants. I mean, he's made it kind of obvious that he wants to go back to how things were, but how can we? He destroyed me. Even today, when I told him that I'm feeling insecure, he didn't respond. I can't do that. I can't be intimate with someone who can't be there when I need someone to tell me that I'm wonderful and they love me. Of course as soon as I say he hasn't responded, he responds. Thirty seven minutes, but at least he knew he had to respond.

I don't know. The only thing that keeps me with "the man" is knowing how good we are together when we're together, but with covid, who knows when that might happen again. I just wish he'd tell me that he misses me at least. It's a stupid wish, but it's my wish. I could tell him that I need more from him, but I don't know what good it would do. He may just ignore that and then I'd feel even worse.

If I knew I had Rob to help balance things out, it'd be so much better. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Except, in some ways, it really just is how I've come to work. I've long given up that I'll ever get married again. I don't know who could handle the semi-hoarding, the depression, the anxiety, all the time. I live with it and I annoy myself. Does that mean that deep down, locked away, there isn't a mad desire to have someone love me like that? Of course there is. All I've wanted my entire life is to be loved like that. I guess deep down I've never totally gotten over the idea that I don't deserve that.

Still, this past week it's become more and more clear to me what I want with Rob is the same thing that I wanted 15 months ago when all hell broke loose. It's not a "we're together when we're together" kind of thing, but a we're together because it makes us happy kind of thing. I want a partner...someone that is my safe spot, someone that I can do things with or do nothing with. I want not just a sexual partner, but an emotional one as well. I want someone who will tell me they love me and not just in the bedroom. I don't want to be a secret. I'm not saying we need to be "Facebook official" or even tell anyone about us, but if we're out, I want to be able to hold their hand. I want to sneak a kiss at the stoplight.

I don't want a husband. Not right now. I don't want to be physically with someone 24/7. I don't think it would be healthy for me or for another person. I'm not sure I can explain this properly, but I want to be with him when we can be, but when we're not, we're still okay and still us. We have lives of our own but those lives include each other. I don't need 24/7 communication, but I need open communication. I don't need to be "the" one, but I need to know that if someone else comes along, it won't mean that I'm kicked to the curb or left in the dark. Not again. I can't do that again.

In some ways, I've always seen us as two halves to a whole. We know each other and in the past, we were able to balance each other. Your soulmate doesn't have to be your lifemate. If we started with what we were before "the horror" but with what I thought we were when I last left him, that'd be amazing. If it moved on past that, well, that'd be what it'd be. I'm not going into anything with the hopes that it will turn into something more. I've spent too many years being alone and being told things could never be more in the relationships that I've been in. Like I said, I don't truly believe that I deserve that whole "happily ever after - white picket fences" thing. Most of the time I'm okay with that. I just want us to be okay, but okay together again.

Ugh. These are all things that I should just be telling him, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me how he doesn't want another relationship after just ending such a toxic one. I mean, it's not like that's unreasonable, but we can't go back to what I thought we had before. I need more. I need reassurances. Most of all, I really need a freaking hug and to be told that it'll be all right.

Edit: Well, I asked him. I sent him a text asking what it was that he hoped for or wanted. His response? He doesn't know. He didn't know if I'd even answer him. He had just wanted to apologize and explain himself. He did that...August 31st. I guess after that it was just easy to fall into old habits...I think I'm going to go cry now and then fill out this paperwork that I forgot to do yesterday. It's better than hyperventilating my way into an asthma attack.

Weekly Update: Monday again?

It seems like we just had a Monday and here we are back with another one. I'm super sleepy and super sneezy today. I'm sure that the two aren't connected but if they are, I'm going to go take a nap.

Man, I wish I had a great segue with speaking of naps... but I don't. I do have a Roger here though which is nice. I really wish he were staying longer than just until tomorrow. It hurts knowing that he's not going back to campus but doesn't really want to stay here either. He says it's because the dryer doesn't work and the shower is always cold. I can't argue that. It's true. I'm hoping to get a repairman out for the dryer once I finish this next project. As for the shower, something keeps tripping the circuit that the water heater is on. That's something that the owner will have to deal with which means that I need to keep dealing with the house so I can make that happen.

I guess that leads to the past week. I struggled some with being removed from Indie Volt. They didn't even talk to me about it, they just didn't send me the link to join the show. I wasn't surprised, but I was hurt. The owner and I have supposedly been friends for years. Four days before I made the post about working with anyone affiliated with a hate group, we drove two hours to his kid's birthday party and hung out all day. Now, he's making digs about me on his show and/or letting others do the same thing. One of his hosts unfriended me on social media, the other tried to take a few swings at me on my own post. It's disheartening to realize that people you thought were good people aren't really good people at all. The whole thing made me really sad.

There were other bits of drama...like a creative team that I worked with telling the publisher that my lack of communication was part of the reason they were pulling their book from being published by them. I gave these guys every possible way to reach me, including my phone number. They never used it. I really don't like being thrown under the bus like that.

Speaking of sad...(yeah, I had to use that.) I sold my flute yesterday. I hadn't made a really solid effort to do so because part of me felt guilty. My grandmother bought it for me when I was in high school and even though it wasn't something I enjoyed playing (open hole) and it had no real monetary value (low-end instrument), she had bought it for me. Then, I remembered what it was like clearing out her house when she got sick. I don't want that for my kids. There's no reason to hold onto things that you don't love. She wouldn't feel bad that I sold it to a young woman who was insanely excited to receive it. I have to say that her excitement did make me smile. She was so grateful that I was selling it to her.

I wish all people were as awesome as she was. I've been trying to get rid of three totes full of craft items for months. There has to be close to $500 worth of items between the three totes. I listed them all three totes for $30...then $20...nothing. I listed them for free and I've had at least ten people ask about them. One went so far as to ask if I'd deliver them to her for free. That was a big solid no. First of all, I doubt they'd all fit inside my car. Secondly, at least offer $5 for gas...

Anyway, someone is supposed to pick those up in about ninety minutes. Hopefully she shows up. It's going to hurt to let them go that way, but at least I'll be reclaiming a chunk of my front porch. I keep reminding myself that space has value as does the peace that I feel looking at something tidy and not all junked up. My front porch totally feels all junked up right now. So does my house so I'm going to be trying to work on that at least a little bit each day.

Man, I am terrible at transitioning topics today but I'm just going to pretend that since they're all about me, that's okay. I've been neglecting me...or maybe disrespecting me is a better phrase for a bit. The other night, I cracked open a brand new notebook and I wrote a list of 10 things that are important and that I need to be focusing on. Oddly enough, jackassy people didn't make that list. Things like taking the time to read or build Lego (self-care), spending time with my boys (family), and working on my own career did. Building myself an emotionally healthy atmosphere also made the list. It's a good list and one that I can go back to when things feel like they're spiraling. I can go back and say...what's really important? and then focus on that.

For now though, I need to go log a new project and get some work in on the current one. Keep being amazing, my friends, and taking care of yourselves.

Weekly Update: Ugh...

So when we last left off, I had posted about my experience with Nick Gibson. Life has been interesting since then. I've had people question why I kept talking to him when he couldn't further my career (implying that if he could further my career, I should have put up with it) and I even saw one person calling it a revenge post and possible cyber-bullying. All I can do is shake my head. I wrote the post as a warning to others and since then, I sleep with my doors locked. Yes, I'm afraid of retaliation. After all, he called the police on a friend of mine who vocally criticized him and his actions.

But, I want to move past that. It's just one piece of my life and I don't want to live within it. I said my piece and I'll "happily" talk about it if asked, but my life is continuing onward and I need to move with it. Tomorrow, my book is officially released and I'm full of nerves and excitement. I love this book and I really hope that others do too. I really want for it to do well.

On top of that, the Kickstarter is still running. We need about $1200 to fund and there's 11 days left. I know that it's possible, but it gets nerve wracking. With all of this, I'm amazed that I sleep at night. I do though...even if it takes me a while to fall asleep. I think the cats know because over the past week or so, one of more of them will come to bed with me and curl up where I can reach them to pet them. They can be royal pains, but I love them.

Let's see...what else...I'm busy with work which is good. I'm behind on a client's book which isn't good but I'm hopeful that I can catch up and have it back to him tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow...in the middle of the book launch...Ahh well, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.

I guess that's it. I had a million thoughts before I sat down and then they scattered. I think there's just so much going on this week that I'm having trouble keeping up with myself. I'll get through this though and come out the other side. I may be sweating and clutching desperately at a pen but I'll make it through.

Weekly Update: The Evening Edition

Well, it's Monday again. They seem to come so fast. I swear it was just Monday a day or so ago and here it is again. Things are better. I wouldn't say 100% but it only feels half weird to smile now. That's progress. I'm doing well enough that I can work again which is a relief. It was terrible to look at a manuscript and suddenly feel as if I had no idea what I was doing. I ended up going over one book twice and was horrified by the number of things I'd missed when things were at their worst. Now, I'm back on top with that and I've been blessed to have a number of projects come in. I'm currently booked until the end of the month which is super exciting.

My house, on the other hand, is not top of the world. When things were bad, I let things slide. It's amazing how far things can slide in as short of a time as just a couple of weeks. Roger will be here on Wednesday so I'm going to have him take out some trash that I've put together and get the can out to the road for Thursday's pick up. That should help some. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks so it will be nice to have him here. Plus, the weather isn't supposed to be atrocious so he won't melt in his bedroom. If it gets bad, I'll give him my room with the a/c unit and sleep on the couch.

As for his brother, he's still working a lot of hours. He also just registered for his first college class. I'm nervous about it, but I know he'll work hard. Today he also started physical therapy. For those that don't know, he has cerebral palsy and it affects his muscles and tendons quite a bit. He's gotten really tight and has weakness in certain areas. Since today was his first appointment, he asked me to go with him to fill out/explain the paperwork for him. He wanted to make sure they'd be able to read it. The appointment was mostly an assessment and he was sent home with stretches to do each day. I really hope that it helps him. I want him to have things as easy as he possibly can. Starting the first week of July, he'll be going twice a week.

I guess that just leaves me. I have a few books that I want to get started on this week. I'd also like to get at least one room whipped back into shape. I'm co-hosting a show on YouTube tomorrow night. I also need to grocery shop and there's been a request for me to do a "State of the Walmart" address after. My book comes out in a few weeks so I need to promote that. Nick is launching a new kickstarter for Awakenings this week so I'll be promoting that too. And my favorite thing? My new drawers for Lego sorting should be here tomorrow so I can finish sorting out the Lego that I bought over the weekend at a garage sale.

Other than that? A shower would be nice....and trying to forget that my uncle's funeral is tomorrow.

Weekly Update: Steamy

Holy crow, y'all! We got a whole bunch of rain and now it's hot and steamy. It's too dang early for this! We skipped over Spring and jumped right into summer and I'm not a happy girl. My house is old, has like no insulation and no air conditioning. I've already got our two fans running (our other fans broke) and I'm typing this in the dark. Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of hot, sticky days?

Let's move on to something happier, eh? I had my live reading (via Facebook live) on Thursday evening and while it wasn't a huge turn out (6 consistent, a few others popped in and out), I think that it went really well. I had a couple of people ask when the book is being released and someone said that they thought that I should narrate children's books. That's a pretty nice compliment. So, I'm happy with it. Relieved that I never have to do a "first" one of those again...lol! There's a decent chance that I'll do one more live reading before the book is released, but I haven't totally decided when and what story.

Speaking of live readings though, I've tentatively set up my first in store reading for later this summer. Someone that I know is opening a collectibles shop and wants to do monthly events and is interested in me coming in and reading to local kids. I'd also bring along coloring sheets and crayons for the kids. I think it would be fun so I'm hesitantly looking forward to that.

Let's see...what else? I haven't made a decision regarding the job that I was approached with. I can't see a single reason not to take it, other than...it's not clicking with me. Maybe it's because I want to focus more on writing my own books (and blurbs). My editing business is also doing well right now so I don't want to take away from my clients. I'm still thinking on it though so we'll see what happens.

I do think that I have decided to take on the show on Indie Volt. I'm not quite sure who my guests will be or what the show will be, but it's a good way to get my name out there more. It's something to keep contemplating at least.

Things are okay here. We're all healthy and right now, that's a big deal. I had some drama yesterday with someone who took advantage of my being a helper. I've learned my lesson with him though and he won't be getting any more free work/consultations from me again. It's disappointing when people reveal themselves to be total asses, but they're out there and I happened to trip over one.

As for this week, it's a keep on keeping on kind of week. I have to take Ben to the orthopedist tomorrow and other than that, I'm home and working. I've got books to do for clients and that studio isn't going to finish itself. I also have to go to the post office to mail out some comics and Lego minifigs to folks who lost things in the recent floods. I hope that they bring smiles to people's faces. I'm happy to help in any small way that I can.

Now I think I'm going to make some lunch (something cold!) and then continue working. I think I'll also have to convince my cat that the fan isn't for him and he has to share...

Weekly Update: Rain, Rain, Go Away

Whew! It's been raining and raining and raining. My neighborhood is flooded. My yard never floods and the side yard is standing water. Luckily, we don't have a functional basement (we have a Michigan basement) so nothing is damaged here, but I'm seeing posts from folks saying they've lost entire comic collections and such. Ugh! I'm sending some of mine to one of those folks...he lost something like a few thousand comics. I'm not sure mine will help, but if he doesn't want them, I won't be upset if he finds a new home for them.

Speaking of new homes, my external hard drive didn't arrive on time (what does these days?) so instead of backing up files, etc, I started tackling my studio..known around here as "the wall". Holy crow, I feel as if I may never finish. I've spent probably a good twelve hours in there already and it's nowhere close to done. This is what happens when you never properly set up a room and then let it become the junk room. I've hauled out 2 bags of trash, multiple broken cardboard boxes, and have 3 boxes of things set aside for Goodwill. On top of that, I have an entire tote filled with scrapbooking supplies/books that I'd like to sell. Did I mention that I'm nowhere close to done yet? It's insane how much I shoved into one room. Still, I'm determined to make it a functional space again so all I can do is keep going whenever I have the chance.

It can be overwhelming though. I know that when I was in there over the weekend, I'd get one little section done and then just look around, stuck. My youngest was trying to encourage me by telling me that I was doing a good job, but then would get completely frustrated with me when I'd say thank you, but there's still.... I can't say that I blame him. He doesn't understand what it's like to get that overwhelmed (thank goodness). Hopefully, by the time he comes back over again (no idea when that will be), the room will be much more progressed (or done) and we can just enjoy the space. If nothing else, I now have a space where I can sit my laptop to work. In fact, at some point this week, I'll be taking my old laptop in there, attaching the external drive and let it sit there and run backups so that I can move things to my new laptop.

That's one of about a billion things that I have to get done this week. I seriously have a to do list that spans an entire sheet of paper and I keep thinking of other things that I need to add to it. So far, I've gone to the post office to pick up a package. That's it. So, I suppose that I ought to wrap up this post so that I can see what's next. At least I won't be able to complain that I'm bored, right?

Now, don't think I forgot...I want to know how all of you are doing. Are you hanging in there still? Struggling? You're not alone. I have my good days and my bad days, but on every day, I'm happy to listen.

Weekly Update: Not Much New

Here we go...Monday again. This is week...umm...9? that we've been on stay home, stay safe. Honestly, I've totally lost track. The days blend into each other when you're pretty much doing the same thing every day. Last week was pretty much get up, eat breakfast, play Animal Crossing for a few minutes and then spend the next few hours working on a book for a client. This week will be the same except swap out book for graphic novel. I'm happy to still be working, and routine can be good, but I'm ready to mix it up a bit. How I have no idea.

Roger has been here and it's been nice. He's helped me with a few things around the house but mostly it's just been nice to be around another person. He goes back to his dad's house on Thursday (his little brother's birthday) and I don't know when he'll be back. His stepmother has decided to start charging him rent and he's in the process of looking for a job. Once he starts working, it'll be harder for him to get over here. I'm still hoping for a weekend or a couple of days with all three boys so we can do the barn clean out. It's a project that I just can't do on my own.

Speaking of projects, last week I had my cover reveal for my book. I got a lot of support which was really exciting. I'm hoping that when I launch it, a lot of people pick it up for their kids. It's not about the money, but more about seeing my "baby" out there in the world. I'm just waiting for Eric to finish the cover and to send me his bio. Once I have those, I can upload it and get a proof copy to make sure I didn't mess anything up. I suspect something will be wonky, but no way of knowing until I make those steps.

So like this post says, not much new. I did a bit on the house, not much, but it's still forward momentum. There's still a ton to do so I suspect you'll be hearing about that for a while. My hope is that the weather is nice next week and I can tackle my front porch. I'll be inventorying those tubs to hopefully get them gone and doing some planting, I think. I also have that wheeled cart to assemble. It's sitting out there stacked in pieces. Not exactly useful. I also need to hack away at the bushes and trees that have outgrown their spaces. Actually, I wish I could remove the trees. They don't belong there, but I have no way of doing that so I just keep cutting the branches off. It doesn't do a lot of good, but makes me feel like I'm trying.

And I guess that's it for this week...not the most thrilling update, huh? Maybe next week I'll have more fun things to tell you about. For now though, stay safe, wear your masks, wash your hands, and hang in there. We'll get through this, but we can't get lazy about it.

Weekly Update: A Day Early...

It's only Sunday, but it turns out that this coming week is going to be a week of put my head down and work, work, work. I didn't want to not post so here I am a day early.

Not much has changed from last week to this. Not surprising, eh? I mean, we're all in the same boat. Honestly, I'm okay with riding this out for the most part. I'd rather be inconvenienced and have some down days than watch those that I love die. I really believe that we're opening too early and bad things are going to happen. I've ordered masks to take the next step in our protection and we're just hanging in there.

Speaking of, Ben and Roger have been here this weekend. Other than the occasional brotherly bickering, it's been really nice. We've tackled a few small projects which has helped. One of them was cleaning out the deep freeze. Ick. It got turned off at some point so it was a bit of a chore to get it cleaned out. I'm still waiting for some of the ice to thaw so that I can wipe it out. Once I've done that, I'll list it on local sales sites to see if anyone is interested. I think that Roger and I can move it out onto the front porch. I'm only going to ask $50 for it so hopefully it sells quickly. It never hurts to have that extra little bit of cash in your pocket. I also have a flute that I'm going to sell for $75. It doesn't take up much space but it really should be being used, not just collecting dust around here.

The living room is finally feeling like a living room. I have to tidy the bookshelves, clear one more space and then attempt to figure out how to store all of the books/comics that I still need to read for reviews. I'm so far behind that there's quite the stack. I also need to mail out some books that people purchased for me and perhaps just list boxes of books on freecycle or local groups. I need to clear out what I know is going. We took 2 bags and a box out to the barn yesterday that will go to Goodwill once they open again. I got tired of looking at them in the house.

For Mother's Day, I've asked the three boys for a workday so that maybe we can tackle the barn. It's full of just stuff. Some can go, but quite a bit just needs to be organized into bins so that we can find things when we need them. It might be tough to coordinate a day where none of them are working, but I'm hopeful that we can finally tackle that project. It's a big one.

So, fingers crossed that things sell and that things can get done. It's so much easier to get through this time when I feel as if I'm being productive. I'm still missing people tons, but that's just going to have to be what it is. It's not worth the risk right now to mingle and there's no way I can travel to see "the man" right now. I'll just have to keep the course with cleaning, my work, and keeping in touch with folks the best I can.

How are all of you doing? Are you hanging in there? Let me know!

Weekly Update: Shopping, Grass, and Life

Sometimes the hardest thing about these posts is figuring out what to call them. Today I went with what's happening in my day. It started out with going to Walmart to pick up groceries. Nothing exciting there. People were doing pretty well with their social distancing and most people were wearing masks. I wasn't because the ones that I ordered won't be here until Thursday. I promise I'm not taking any of this lightly. It's just that I can only do what I can do.

After shopping, I picked up some lunch and came home. Woo. Talk about an exciting day, eh? Why the grass in the title? Mostly because mine badly needs to be mowed and it can't be. I can't mow and we're not allowed to hire lawn services right now. I totally get it, but man, my lawn is looking a bit jungle like already and it's not even the end of April. I don't want a lift of the restrictions too quickly though. Nobody needs a big spike of sickness and death.

Speaking of death, the man that I considered my best friend for ten years had to put his dog to sleep today and for some reason, I'm feeling a bit numb over the entire thing. I met the dog once and she was a grand pup. We got along famously. I think it's that I watched him replace humans with the dog. She was his best friend. She saved him. He couldn't live without her. It always worried me a little bit. Then, he got a girlfriend and even she posted today that the dog had his whole heart. A piece of me is jealous because she (the girlfriend) replaced me in his life. He no longer needed me. Part of that is due to how I reacted to the news that he was seeing someone seriously. It meant he'd broken a huge promise to me and I kinda lost it. His way of dealing with things is to just not deal with them so I got put onto a shelf. I've been there for a good six months or more at this point and it sucks. I miss him desperately, but all attempts at reaching out to him have been ignored. I haven't been able to figure out how to move on. He broke my heart and I know that today his is broken too. I know that I should feel bad for him, but I'm numb to it...perhaps as a way to protect myself because I know that if I reached out to him again and he ignored me, that it'd hurt me all over again. Deep down though, I mourn along with him. I mourn for the loss of his friendship and I mourn for the loss of something that the truly loved without exception.

Deep breath, right? Let's think about something happier. I've been thinking about starting some seeds. I have a lot of seeds, pots, and three unused bags of garden soil. Seems like a good time to start looking at new life, right? I just have to decide if I want to do flowers, veggies, or a mix of the two. I think I have seeds for both. It'd help clean off my messy front porch and as things come up, it'd cheer up the space.

Speaking of cheering up spaces, I've been working more on the house. The bathroom is looking good. It just needs a couple touches and I've gotten through half of the living room. Sadly, my Dyson died, but Ben had gotten me a new vacuum (for use upstairs) for Christmas, so I'm not totally out a vacuum and this little Bissell is doing a great job. My goal is to finish the living room before Roger comes back in two weeks. Seeing the clean space has really helped keep my spirits up. My one big issue is not having enough room for books. I have a ton of books. The other problem is that there's nowhere to really store the things that I'm going to be getting rid of. I think once I get the freezer emptied and either moved out to the barn or sold, maybe I can stack the bags there. At least it's outside the regular living space. Eventually things will open up again and I can load up the car and drop it all off. No using things being closed as an excuse for living in a less than happy place. I'm taking today off while Ben and I catch up on some tv off the dvr. Tomorrow though...watch out next section of living room!

Weekly Update: New Laptop

Happy Monday, everyone! We made it through another week. Not a lot new here except for the device I'm tapping away on this morning. After dealing with a slower than slow and often not responding laptop, I took the income from two projects and bought myself a brand new laptop. It's an Acer Aspire and so far, so good. I'm sure I'll find things that I haven't thought to install on it but so far, I'm just enjoying the speed that I can get things done.

Let's see...as far as house cleaning goes, I have two small areas in the bathroom to do. I had missed them when I created my to do list. I also have a few things to do in the laundry room. I've been waiting for the trash company to bring me a new trash can which they still haven't done. I'm tired of putting it off and since Roger is here with me this week, I can have him haul the bags out to the curb. It's not ideal, but it'll be done.

Next on the house cleaning list is the living room. It's a total tip. The biggest problem is books. There are so many books in this room and nowhere to put them. I can't put them anywhere else in the house because the shelves are all full. I know I should/could purge some of them, but that doesn't help much because the library is closed so I can't put them on the free shelf. Someone suggested stocking the little free libraries but we don't have one here in the village. I could put them in a box on the front porch and just say free...but I'm not in love with the idea of people wandering up to the house. I guess this is something still to brainstorm.

Other than that, not much has been happening. Well, we did move Roger out of his dorm on Friday. By we, I mean me, his girlfriend, and him. His dad and stepmom couldn't be bothered to help. Oh well, it gave me more time with them which is nice. Plus, it's one of those things that he'll remember. I've tried telling his dad about those moments, but his dad doesn't feel like it matters. Ahh well. His loss.

So, all in all, things are going okay here. My spirits are good today which is nice because I was down there for a bit. It's always easier when I'm not here alone. I know a lot of you are feeling that right now. It sucks. This whole thing is taking its toll on all of us. Hang in there though. It won't last forever and we'll come out of this stronger than ever. I believe in us, even on the rough days.

Until next week...

Weekly Update: Anxiety isn't ruling

Hey, all! It's Monday again! We've all made it through another week of quarantine/lockdown. I'm not going to lie, each week adds a bit more anxiety to my life. I have to go to the store tomorrow and I need to go to one of the larger towns around here and I know that they're "infection rate" is something like 6 times what it is in the county where I live. I don't have masks, gloves, or even antibacterial wipes/gel. It actually has me anxious, but it needs to be done. Once it's done, I'll be back in "hibernation" or at least another week.

I am working off of a daily to do list. Starting last week, on Monday, I've created a daily to do list with five items on it. They range from deep cleaning in the house to project work for clients. The cleaning focuses on a specific room in the house. Last week was the laundry room and it went pretty well. The room isn't done, but it's a lot nicer than it was before. I have plans to empty out the freezer and then sell it for about $50-75. We don't use it. It just takes up space and electricity. Someone else might as well use it. If I had more than Roger here this week, I'd try to get that done and the freezer moved out to the barn until things settle down some. I'm eager to get that space back. But, that's a no go for the moment.

Instead, I'm turning my attention towards the bathroom. It's been ages since it's had a really good deep cleaning. Now that I've cleared some space in my bedroom, I'm going to have Roger take the laundry basket upstairs which will let me move the air conditioner to where that was sitting and out of the way. It should be a lot easier room to do since it's so much smaller so I feel less stressed out about my list(s) than I did when I got to looking at the list I made for myself next week.

I don't know if this kind of thing will help anyone else, but it gives me something else to focus on when my anxiety starts to skyrocket. I can go and do something that I have control over. Sometimes that's all we can do; focus on what we can control. We can control things like washing our hands and keeping our distance from others. I know that it's tough. I'm naturally home most of the time but being told that I can't go out and just do things has made it tough for me.

Please though, be smart, be safe. I don't want to hear about anyone that I know dying from this. The sooner we cooperate and behave ourselves, the sooner this will all be over. I know that we'll make it through this, even though it's incredibly hard right now. Hang in there, my friends and as always, reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

Weekly (Monthly) Update: Holy Wow...

Gah! Just when I think life is balancing out, there's a global pandemic. I handled the first week or so well. Roger was here and we were finding our new normal. I suppose maybe I ought to back up. Roger, for those who don't know, is my youngest and a college student at Michigan State. The school decided to go to online courses and to send as many students home as possible. For 24 hours, I had Ben and Dylan here. Then, they went to my ex-husband's house and I picked up Roger from college. I really like having him here. At the end of a week though, he decided to go over to his dad's as well with the plan of coming back here in a week.

Well, as of today, that plan is on hold. The governor issued a stay home order. We're allowed to go out to get groceries and things like that, but otherwise, we're to stay put for the next three weeks. You'd think that wouldn't phase me because I normally spend stretches of time like that alone, but it's made me anxious as all get out. I can feel a depression hovering around me. I just want to nap all day. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

So, what's a girl to do? Well, I made a list of 5 tasks to get done every day. I decided to tackle my laundry room. It's not in a bad shape, but it could use a bit of a face lift. The litter boxes need changing, shelves need to be wiped down...little things like that. I've broken them down over the week. Next week, I'll make a similar list but the room of focus will be the bathroom. That room needs a good scrub down. Since we're in this situation for three weeks, I'll have to decide which room will come after that. Maybe the living room...or I'll start working my way into "the wall" (aka my studio). I haven't decided yet. Thinking that far ahead freaks me out a bit. One day at a time right now.

Will my list work? It's hard to say but it gives me a focus. I also have client work which once I get started doing holds my attention for as long as I work on it. I guess I need to try to make life as normal as possible right now. One day at a time, one minute at a time, whatever it takes. I'll be doing livestreams on Facebook once a week, I think. Just something to connect with other people. None of us are alone in any of this and it's important for us to remember this.

Take care of yourselves and each other. Stay home. The sooner we all do this, the sooner we can all get together for a huge social dinner...or something...

Much love to everyone out there.

Weekly Update: Chaos

Holy crow, guys...this week has been crazy. Actually, the past 5 days or so. It started on Friday when I stopped at the mailbox to pick up the mail and discovered a notice from the county about past taxes being due and language such as foreclosure and forfeitsure. Since I rent, this sent me into a tizzy. Of course, it was Friday night and Monday was President's Day so nobody could be reached until this morning. Thankfully, the owners had also received a notification and are paying off the bill. They assured me that they won't sell the house out from under me and I can have it for at least a couple more years if I'd like. That's a huge relief. I can focus on downsizing and dehoarding instead of worrying.

As if that wasn't stressful enough though, last night Ben had a basketball game about an hour away. While we were there, it started snowing and by the time I left to head home, the roads were horrible. I was white knuckle driving the entire way home. A chunk of the trip is on the freeway and while we were going slow for the freeway (about 45mph), that didn't stop me from sliding right off when I tapped my break because the person in front of me slowed down. I got lucky. I didn't hit one of the drop offs or a guard rail. I managed to come to a stop just onto the grass and after a few very deep breathes and a small pep talk, I pulled back onto the road. I've rarely been so happy to see my driveway and hear the gps say welcome home in my life.

I could use a few days of low key. It's a busy week though with attending basketball games with Ben and then him, Dylan, and I are driving to South Bend on Saturday to watch Roger perform at Notre Dame with his jazz orchestra. It should be fun, but teenagers can be seriously challenging at times. I'm hoping this isn't one of those times...heh...

Once I get back, it's a bit more basketball while trying to prep to attend C2E2 in Chicago at the end of the week. I have a packing list and I'm slowly trying to collect things up, but it's going to be a hectic week of trying to get the usual things done and prep work. It's been a number of years since I attended this huge event, and I know that my body isn't ready for it, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. It's much easier to network if I leave the house sometimes.

In news of other note, I've upped my medication to a full dosage from the half dose that I've been on for the past six months or so. It was time and I think that it's only due to that increase that I haven't had a complete meltdown over everything. In fact, I've stayed relatively calm (for me anyway) and not spiraled. I'll take it.

Now, I'm off to build a small Lego cat as a reward for writing my posts and being a good girl. Have a great week!

Weekly Update: It's Better Now

As I write this, I'm struggling with a headache, but I'm in decent spirits. Last week, some grand folks made sure that I had some food for Thanksgiving and the day or so after. Roger came over on Friday and I took him to go shopping for his siblings. Time with my boys is always sure to boost my mood.

Other than that, not much has changed. Money is still crazy tight and I have about $20 to get me to the 19th for groceries. It's rough but I'm hanging in there. I'm more concerned with how I'm going to feed the boys if they come over than I am about how to feed myself. I guess I should look up some instapot recipes that are inexpensive but filling. Teenage boys can eat a lot!

The other big concern is that Dylan has never been in the house and Roger would also like to have Molly come over for Christmas. While the house is better, it's still not outside people ready. I only have two weeks until the boys are off for holiday break from school so I don't have a lot of time to dilly dally. I've started doing little things here and there as I can, but I'm concerned I won't have the house ready in time. All I can do is try though...and hope my energy levels keep up. Since I'm exhausted at 5:30pm, it's questionable but I'm going to try. It's all I can do.

For those who have asked how you can help me this holiday season, the best way would be funds to buy groceries and maybe some gifts for the kids for Christmas. My paypal is close2midnight@gmail.com ...Please don't feel as if you need to though. I'm a survivor and this isn't going to be what breaks me.

Until next week!

Weekly Update: Tired

Holy crow, y'all. I'm tired. That's the only way to describe how I feel right now. It's the kind of tired that affects everything. I'm hyper aware of what's happening around me. I'm super duper emotional. It sucks. Oh my god, it sucks so much.

I'm actually at a NaNo write in right now, writing this. I know, it's not a novel, but it's words and words count. I needed to do this today because tomorrow I'm picking up the oldest and taking him to pretty much finish up his holiday shopping. Yeah, I know. He's like done. It's crazy. As for me, I don't even know if we'll have a Christmas at my house this year. I've had zero projects come in and that means zero income. Zero income equals zero spending money for presents.

I know that it's really about time together and all of that, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to have things for my kids. They're still teenagers, not grown ups. I don't know yet what I'll do. I keep hoping that something will come through. I'm not giving up all hope.

Did I mention I'm tired? heh...Yep, that just popped into my head again. I am worn the heck out. I'm now on day 26 of a heavy period. How heavy? A week ago I bought a package of pads that advertised it was a 3.5 month supply. I'm stopping by the store tonight to buy more. Yeah...that heavy. Gross, huh? Super gross. I love being a girl, but right now, I don't love having a uterus that's acting cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

That's another side effect of all of this. I have a constant desire to eat. That's not helpful when you need to lose weight, DHS has cut you back to $16 in grocery money each month, and you have a kid coming over that you need to feed. Yep. Yippee!

The odd thing? Even with all of this going on, I'm in good spirits for the most part. Sure, I have moments where I break down crying, but if you look at my mood journal, you'd see mostly average days. Average is good. I like average.

Somehow we'll get through this rough patch. I always do. I have zero idea how this time, but hey, that's okay...that's life, right?

Now, back to proofing my children's anthology! I'm still waiting for Nick to send me the notes to Nevermore so I'm not sure what the timeline is for that. I had kind of hoped by the end of the year, but that's looking very unlikely. If I can manage to track him down, that's something else to talk to him about. Somehow I'm suspecting it's not his top priority project. Ahh well...the life of a writer is so glamorous, eh?

Time to focus on what I can focus on and keep going.
Love you all!

Weekly Update: Looking Forward

Isn't it funny how a simple change of perspective can change something so dramatically? A week ago (well, a week ago yesterday), I sent Nick the draft of Nevermore. Ever since then I've worked at looking forward...the next project, the project after that...and not dwelling on what he was doing with the book. Yesterday, he sent me a message saying that he was halfway through and be warned, there would be notes. That icy clutch of anxiety hit me and I had to remind myself to breathe. Then, I started thinking about it.

Why was I so anxious? The book wasn't utter garbage, I knew that much. Nick loves me (as close friends do) and wasn't going to be cruel. Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. Perhaps instead of paranoid, I needed to be excited. I know that's a huge flip, but let me explain. I could be excited because I wrote that book all by myself. It's mine and I accomplished that. I could be excited because whatever notes he leaves, I can take or leave...but more importantly, I can use them to improve the book. I don't have an official editor, but I need to look at Nick like I do my doctor...she's there to help me, not tear me down. We're a team. Nick and I are a team and a dang good one. Why be afraid of that?

Once I made that decision, I calmed back down and was able to focus on working on other things that needed doing. I'm still not caught up after a weekend of mostly being gone (NaNo Thursday, writing and concert Friday, NaNo write in Saturday, Grand Rapids Comic Con and NaNo write in Sunday), but I'm making good progress. There's always things to do though! Laundry, for example. Sheesh! At least the moving about keeps me warm during this snow/cold snap that we're having.

Let's see...other than that...I suppose things are good. I've still not had any new work come in and I'm concerned since the holidays are coming up. I don't want to cancel Christmas for my three kids. That would be a huge disappointment to all of us. Hopefully something shifts my way. I'm always hopeful.

The house has been at a bit of a standstill but I'm hoping to have more energy to tackle that soon. It's tough when my body is at day 21 of its period. I'm still cramping and feeling just run down. I can only do what I can while my body pitches a fit.

I think that's it! Nothing much has changed in the past week. I'm still fighting my way through NaNo, trying to be a good mom, and just looking forward...