Weekly Update: Looking Forward

Isn't it funny how a simple change of perspective can change something so dramatically? A week ago (well, a week ago yesterday), I sent Nick the draft of Nevermore. Ever since then I've worked at looking forward...the next project, the project after that...and not dwelling on what he was doing with the book. Yesterday, he sent me a message saying that he was halfway through and be warned, there would be notes. That icy clutch of anxiety hit me and I had to remind myself to breathe. Then, I started thinking about it.

Why was I so anxious? The book wasn't utter garbage, I knew that much. Nick loves me (as close friends do) and wasn't going to be cruel. Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. Perhaps instead of paranoid, I needed to be excited. I know that's a huge flip, but let me explain. I could be excited because I wrote that book all by myself. It's mine and I accomplished that. I could be excited because whatever notes he leaves, I can take or leave...but more importantly, I can use them to improve the book. I don't have an official editor, but I need to look at Nick like I do my doctor...she's there to help me, not tear me down. We're a team. Nick and I are a team and a dang good one. Why be afraid of that?

Once I made that decision, I calmed back down and was able to focus on working on other things that needed doing. I'm still not caught up after a weekend of mostly being gone (NaNo Thursday, writing and concert Friday, NaNo write in Saturday, Grand Rapids Comic Con and NaNo write in Sunday), but I'm making good progress. There's always things to do though! Laundry, for example. Sheesh! At least the moving about keeps me warm during this snow/cold snap that we're having.

Let's see...other than that...I suppose things are good. I've still not had any new work come in and I'm concerned since the holidays are coming up. I don't want to cancel Christmas for my three kids. That would be a huge disappointment to all of us. Hopefully something shifts my way. I'm always hopeful.

The house has been at a bit of a standstill but I'm hoping to have more energy to tackle that soon. It's tough when my body is at day 21 of its period. I'm still cramping and feeling just run down. I can only do what I can while my body pitches a fit.

I think that's it! Nothing much has changed in the past week. I'm still fighting my way through NaNo, trying to be a good mom, and just looking forward...

Self-Care Is Not Selfish Care

Wow...the best laid plans of mice and men... Just as I got on a little roll writing posts that meant a lot to me, I got sick. For those who have followed along here or know me, you know that I have mediocre health it seems. My youngest child has informed me that I have the worst immune system of anyone he knows. I thought he was being silly until I started noticing on my "On This Day" Facebook thing how often I mentioned being sick. Geez, my body needs to get its act together!

So, anyway, I got sick and not just a little sick. I caught this year's influenza bug and it laid me out for two solid weeks. The coughing got so bad that I was having to use a rescue inhaler and couldn't talk without ending up gasping for air. Thank goodness, I'm better now. I still have zero stamina but I'm not coughing myself straight through the couch anymore!

Oddly enough, that's almost the perfect introduction to this post. Being sick is hard. Being sick when you're the person that takes care of others and who is constantly busy. Just because I'm sick doesn't meant that my boys no longer need/want their mom around. That's what my mom brain tells me. "They have a game tonight. I have to be there. That's my job as mom." Well, it turns out that they a) think I'm more important than a basketball game and b) don't want to catch my disease. (Those are both courtesy of my oldest.)

I felt really bad about missing things until he reminded me that it's important for me to get healthy. All of my time on the couch got me thinking about how important self-care really is. If I don't take care of myself, I get rundown and then I get sick (again) and I can't take care of the boys or do any of the things that I enjoy doing. If I don't have downtime now and again, I get wound so tight that I become unfocused and useless.

The problem, or one of them, is that I'm not really good at self-care. I get so busy with the boys' schedules and with all of the things I'm sure I *have* to do that I just let taking care of me slide. Heck, "the man" used to tell me all the time that I suck at taking care of myself. Luckily, he agrees that I've gotten better. I had to get more "me-centric". I had to stop worrying so much about the rest of the world and say, "Hey, what do I need today?" It's not easy. It's been a challenge and sometimes I still really suck at it.

The other challenge? What is self-care? Is it taking a shower? Putting clean sheets on the bed? Doing my nails? Reading a book? Coloring? Brushing out and braiding my hair so it isn't a tangled mess? It turns out that it's all of the above. While searching the internet, I came across these graphics which I found incredibly helpful and want to share with you guys!

https://www.chawisconsin.org/selfcare/

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/self-care-master-post-ideas-inspiration-more

Aren't those great? I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be referencing them on the days where I just feel stuck. I hope that they help some of you, as well! I'm also considering bringing back a segment that I used to do over on Life With Katie called Time For Me Thursday. It was a weekly post (duh, right?) where I talked about different things that you could do or that I was doing to take care of yourself/myself. It certainly can't hurt to nudge me to take care of me or to remind you that you too are important.

For now, I'm off for a late lunch and then to go see my youngest perform in his first jazz concert of the season! Take care, everyone!

PTSD and Me

When most people think of PTSD, they think of soldiers coming back from war or war torn areas. While this is very much a real thing, there are so many more of us who deal with it. In fact, according to the Nebraska Department of Veterans' Affairs, 5.2 million Americans suffer from it in any given year. That's a lot of folks, folks!

As always, I'm not really here though to talk about anyone else's experiences. I can only speak to mine and since I had something trigger recently, I thought that maybe it might be a good time to tell all of you about it.

According to one doctor, I've had PTSD since I was approximately 3 years old. Yep, you read that right. Three years old. That comes out to about 38 years of PTSD and for me, while that one traumatic incident started it, others just added to it over the years. Let's start at the beginning though...

When I was about three, I was sent to my father's house for some sort of visitation. He left me alone with his girlfriend while he went to work. As the tale goes, this girlfriend had her own children taken away by the courts and was a very jealous type. For whatever reason, she beat me. That sounds ...somehow more than a description and yet not enough of one... She returned me to my grandparent's house covered in bruises, including perfectly circular ones that went up my spine. I had to be taken after hours to see my pediatrician where, at the age of about three, I had to be examined to make sure I hadn't been raped. Imagine your child having to go through all of that and having no idea what they'd done.

I can tell you now what it is that I think I did. I existed. That's all that it took. For years, I had nightmares and after a lot of time, I can tell you what I think happened to me. At some point, I was locked in a closet because she didn't want to see me. I was almost potty trained and at some point, I had an accident and peed my pants. I was slapped or hit repeatedly across my vagina. I was given a scalding hot bath and held under the water while she screamed at me. Then, I was dropped on my grandparents' porch and she drove away. My father lost all but supervised visitation after that.

That's when the nightmares started. I should say nightmare because it was always the same one. I once asked my grandmother about it and her response was, "Oh god, we'd hoped you wouldn't remember." I was an adult with children of my own by this time and she'd had no idea about the nightmares because I'd never told anyone.

That's where the PTSD started and if I were to write out full descriptions of what added to it, we'd be here all day, so I'm just going to do a list:
1. Parental Abandonment
2. Emotional and sometimes physical abuse by my mother
3. Loss of a child (17 weeks pregnant) followed by emotional abuse by his father
4. Divorce
5. Rape

There may be other things, but honestly, how many do we need, right? I mean, that's a lot for any person.

Over the years, I've struggled to move past some of these things but I know that they've molded me. How my parents treated me has directly affected how I treat my own children. I won't thank them, but they were a very good example of how not to parent. Perhaps, in some sadly ironic way, they've made me into a better parent than I may have been otherwise.

There have been other consequences, of course. I don't trust easily and while I'm an open book if asked, I don't open up easily otherwise. It's very hard sometimes for me to believe that anyone really likes me and if people don't make those first moves, I automatically assume it's because they don't like me. It doesn't occur to me that maybe they're waiting just like I am.

Relationships....all I can say is ouch. I left my divorce having no idea who I am and eleven years later, I'm just at the point where I can say, "Yeah, I'm finding parts of myself and it's good." I've had a couple of pretty intense relationships in that time and the problem was that at least one of them was a case of two broken people which never goes well. My last relationship left me damaged in other ways
and added to the PTSD. My current relationship? We've been together for about 2.5 years and I'm lucky that he honestly believes that I'm not hard to love. As for me, he's forced me to grow and get stronger. He doesn't believe in rewarding my insecure behavior and more than once I've been left with the decision of leaving the relationship or dealing with whatever issue is buzzing in my head.

Why am I sharing this with all of you? As with everything that I write about here, I want you to realize that if this is something that you deal with, you're not alone. For those who don't, I want you to realize that others around you may be dealing with things that you have no idea about. PTSD can be one of those silent illnesses that you don't even know is there unless someone tells you.

For example, when something triggers me, I don't get violent (the stereotype with this disorder). In fact, about the opposite happens. I'm more likely to curl into myself. I'm more likely to sit and stare into space. Someone once told me that I was the stillest person they had ever seen. I had fled to their house to get away from the world after someone that I trusted and loved essentially stabbed me through the heart and then turned their back on me. The friend didn't really have furniture in their living room so I spent the weekend sitting on his hard wood floor and just surviving. Every person handles things differently and their survival mode may be different.

Up above, I posted some of the symptoms of PTSD. Short of one or two, I've probably dealt with all of them. I'm happy to say that the recurring nightmare from childhood is a rare occurrence these days but I'm still hyper alert to certain behaviors. It's for this reason, I've had to walk away from some friendships and some people. Their behavior is a trigger for me and while they may realize it, they don't feel the need to change it. See? I told you that on some level, all of these posts were interconnected!

So, one blog post later, I don't know if anything I've written here has helped anyone but perhaps it's a reminder to be kind to one another because we never know what someone else is dealing with in their lives. A bit of kindness costs nothing  but can be worth all the gold in the world to someone who needs it.

Ups and Downs

Betcha thought I'd disappeared again, huh? Nope. I'm still out here. It's been a rough week or so though. It turns out that the reason I felt so awful and exhausted for 6 weeks is because I had mono. Go figure. I haven't the slightest idea where I picked it up from. All I can think of is that someone with it sneezed around me and I inhaled at the wrong time. Then, as if me having it wasn't bad enough, Roger caught it. Poor kid. His last week with it was terrible...throat so raw it was bleeding, exhausted, high fever...and one mom who was trying to be supermom. We got through it and got him off to jazz camp this past weekend, but that and the bat that moved into my house uninvited has worn me out. In fact, after I post this, I'm going to try to call my doctor's office again to reschedule my appointment and then take a nap. I'm no good to anyone when I'm super tired.

Now that I've caught you up, I  bet you could be wondering how the healthy changes are going. Of course, I also bet you know that when moms are being supermoms that they let their own things slip. I'm happy to say that it only happened a bit and as of this morning, I'm back on track with my medicine, watering my little garden, and eating breakfast. Small things, but important things. Plus, Ben and I have decided to spend 15-20 minutes each day tackling something in the house that needs to get done. I'm excited about the progress we're going to make by doing that. It's our goal to get to a point where the owner's husband can come put the rest of the ceiling tiles in. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I guess that's that. Not a whole lot of change, but certainly some getting back on track and getting everyone healthy again. I have to reschedule my doctor's appointment to a time where I can also get Ben to work, but when I go, I'll be stepping on the scale. I don't expect a whole lot of change, but it will be good to know where I'm at. For now though, it's time to make that call and take that nap!

Steps...

Long time no write and I don't feel a lick guilty about it. It's been a busy month and the past two weeks have found me taking more steps than I thought I was ready for. Still, life doesn't wait for you to take the steps. You have to take that deep breath (or ten) and put one foot in front of another.

I haven't done this alone. As I take each step I seem to find someone who steps up beside me and tells me that they believe in me and that I've got this.

It started with Nick. He looked me in the eyes and asked me what was stopping me...that stuck with me for days after he asked. What was it that was stopping me? The answer, once I dug past all of the excuses, was simple. Fear. Fear is the only thing holding me back. As he would say, I was getting in my own way.

Then, it was Ben. Yep, my kiddo. He works in the community center three days a week and he made it clear to me that he expects me to be on that treadmill sometime during his one hour shift. It doesn't matter how long I'm on it, what matters to him is that I climbed those two flights of stairs and I got on there and I walked.

Today, it was Joel. Joel had a crappy childhood and suffers from some of the same issues I do. I texted him to tell him about my treadmill accident today and after making sure that I was okay (I am.I'll fill you in on what happened in just a bit.), we started talking about diet and food. We both have food issues. He encouraged me to start journaling what I eat each day. This is something that I've put off. Why? Fear. It always comes down to fear and the fact that I'm my own worst enemy and I was scared that if it were there in black and white, I would spend a lot of time beating myself over making bad choices. Joel told me today that he believes in Katie and her stubbornness. It made me smile and it also made me pause and think. I am horribly stubborn at times and I've been using that in the wrong direction or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've let my fears use it.

So, today I came home and I installed MyFitnessPal on my phone. Since I had to confirm my email, I spent some time on the laptop looking at the app, putting in all the information and then blinked at the screen at the number of calories I should be eating every day so that I lose about a pound each week. Then, I put in my little bit of walking and the few things I had eaten today.

...We're going to tangent just for a minute, then I promise I'll get back to the app....

I have three food modes. The first is where I barely eat. Today was one of those days. The second is where I can't seem to stop eating. The third is where I eat normally. There's not always a rhyme or reason why any day is what it is.

.......

And we're back! So, I put in the 3 food items that I ate today and discovered that I'm still 1818 calories short for the day. That seems like a heck of a lot and I'll be honest, I'm not going to make an attempt at forcing them in. I'm going to eat dinner, enter that, and see where I'm at. This is going to be a learning tool so that I can see what's worth what and what my tendencies are. I need a brain change. Instead of looking at things as if it's not enough or I'm failing, I need to look at it as if I'm teaching myself what's okay and what's not okay. It's not something I grew up learning and as Nick would tell me, it's time I put my big brain to work for me.

So, what are these steps?

1. Three days a week, I'm going to get on the treadmill where Ben works.
2. I'm going to go back to watching my water intake (time to kill that whole chronic dehydration thing.
3. I'm going to track my food intake and see where I can make changes.
4. I'm going to continue menu planning and working on sticking with it.
5. When the weather isn't trying to kill us and Roger is here, we're going to walk around the village pokemon hunting.

There's nothing so big there that I can't do it and even if it takes time to gather data and make additional changes, these steps are pointing me in the right direction.

Oh! I almost forgot. I promised to tell you about my treadmill accident...

Today, I climbed up onto the treadmill, set my pace (I'm working at about a 2.1 right now, built up from 1.8) and started walking. Here's where the fun began. Have you ever seen those stop sign shaped things with the clip attached to them that are usually by the actual stop button? Well, as I'm walking, the clip is swinging and it must have snagged on me somehow because the next thing I know, the treadmill has come to a dead stop and I nearly face plant into the front of it. Turns out that's the emergency stop magnet and when it comes off, everything stops. Sadly, my leg hadn't stopped and I wrenched my knee.  It didn't seem too bad so I put the magnet back, made sure it wasn't going anywhere and walked another .55 miles (in addition to my whopping .04) before I decided the knee was getting worse and tightening up so I quit, stood there with sweat dripping off me (did I mention the weight room isn't air conditioned?) and talked to Ben for a minute before working my way back down those two blasted sets of stairs to relax for while in the air conditioning until Ben got done with work. As of right now, it's sore but I suspect that by Wednesday it's going to be okay enough to get back on there and see if I can't get up to an average speed of 2.2 (2.5 is considered a leisurely pace so I'm still on the moving slow side) and go a bit longer.

See? I have goals! What a crazy feeling..I'm taking control back. I'm stepping out of my self created prison and I'm moving forward...one step at a time..or in today's case, one limp at a t

Fit For Good

Good morning and Happy Tuesday! I swear that I almost typed Monday there. That's not a good sign, but I'm going to just laugh and keep going. No use dwelling on how little time I have this week!

So, how is everyone else doing out there? I know a few of you stop by to read this crazy thing and you're on my mind today. I hope life is treating you well and that you're kicking ass and having an amazing time doing it.

As for me, I'm doing pretty well. I took Sunday off, but other than that, I have now officially been out walking for 7 days now. I've been making my tiny goal of 3,000 steps each day, no matter what my Fitbit says. Seriously. My Fitbit hasn't been properly registering my inside the house steps so my total for yesterday, according to it, was 2,999. I know I got more than that since I walked from the kitchen to the bathroom to the living room after that. Crazy thing! Still, if it says I made my goal it just means I've gotten at least a few more than that. That makes me happy.

Let's see...what else is happening here? There's the usual stuff of trying desperately to catch up on housework, helping Ben with homework and running Geek-o-Rama. On top of that, I have a convention appearance coming up that I'm trying to prepare for and I was just hired to do some paid work for someone. All of this is super exciting, but keeping me super busy! Did I mention that my ex-husband *just* texted me to ask if I were going to some band parents' meeting that I knew nothing about and happens to be tonight? No problem. I'm supermom, superme and sometimes it feels as if I'm challenging the universe. One more thing? No problem. I don't need to sleep, eat, or any of that stuff normal humans do...

Seriously though, life is insanely busy right now which means that fitting in my walks is even more important. It would be so incredibly easy to just let it slip, but I'm finding that for the first time in a very long time, I don't want to let it slip. I won't lie. I considered it Saturday when we were sitting at a swim meet all day long. Instead, I talked to Ben about it and during diving we did little things like taking a walk out to the car to get a notebook so that we could make a shopping list. We walked around the pool deck a little bit and we made that goal. In fact, we beat it by something like 700 steps. I'm pretty proud of us and here's the thing... If I can do this when the weather is turning blech and life keeps throwing things at me, I can do this when it's easier. Trial by fire and all of that. I just need to get through these next couple of weeks so that I can create a workout space within the house for when the snow starts flying.

For now though, I'm going to sign off and get to work. Have an amazing day, darlings and feel free to say hi now and again!

Oh! I never explained today's graphic! Fitbit is doing this really awesome thing where they're donating money to some awesome charities and the charity with the most steps attached to it gets the highest amount! So, not only are you getting healthier by getting out and walking, but you're also helping others. Since I'm already walking, I'm using this as a bit of extra motivation. If you have a Fitbit, you should check it out! Look for #FitForGood

Double oh! I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday where my weight is going to be the major topic of conversation. My doctor has flat out told me that she doesn't think I can lose weight on my own and wants me to go to this place where essentially they're checking to see if you're a good candidate for surgery. Surgery isn't on my agenda so finger's crossed she can see that there's a difference! Not to mention, I'm thinking treatment for my anemia would be a darn good thing.

Ripples Make Waves

I totally confess to stealing this title from Nick. He's been saying it to me all week and now it's just plain stuck in my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how accurate it is because I haven't had time to do the scientific research behind it, but no matter, it sounds good and motivational, right?

Still, while I don't know about how this actually works in water, I do know how this works in life. I've seen it in my own life. Clean a section of counter and the next thing you know, the entire counter is clean. Counter clean? Next thing you know, so is the stove... it starts with one small thing and you just keep going with it.

So, after talking with Nick about what he's doing (I'm so lucky he's one of my nearest and dearest people on this planet) and then reading his blog post about it, I decided this could be the thing that I need to help kick start me into gear. I suppose that it doesn't hurt that I have a competitive streak and every day when Nick posts his results, I have two reactions. The first? I'm thrilled for him and proud of him for the work that he's putting in. The second? I'm pretty sure I nearly growl to see him outdoing me. Seriously.

Here's the thing though. I know that Nick and I are in two different spots on this journey. Don't tell him this, but he's not even grossly overweight. Me? I'm beyond grossly overweight. I'm at the "at risk" and beyond section of the chart. He's also already getting in some movement at work and such. My movement is to the couch where I sit and work. There's no need for me to do more than that for me to get my work accomplished. So, honestly, there's no comparison. We're starting at different points...still, seeing his numbers pushes me to get my numbers done. I have no idea what his actual step count goal is for each day, but I know he said he's been making it. I do know what mine is and in the 4 days that I've been walking, I've made it once.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to celebrate every single day's number. Why? Because a week ago, I was getting maybe a few hundred steps in a day. This week, I've gotten outside at least once a day for a walk and my numbers have looked like this:

Monday: 1,645 steps
Tuesday: 4,426 steps
Wednesday: 2,525 steps
Thursday: 2,070 steps (so far)

That's huge. It really is. Even today when I woke up feeling blech due to sinus drainage, I got up, I got dressed and I went for my walk. It was good. I do think I'm going to have to find some podcasts or something to listen to though. This is a small village and seeing the same things every day isn't keeping my attention. I can do that though.  I can do this. I am doing this.

Next week when I go see Dr. Chermak, I hope I can see the results. I don't have a scale here at home anymore since my last one broke and I haven't had the money to replace it. So, for now, I'm reliant on the doctor's office scale. If nothing else, it will give me a starting point number. Still, I want to show her that she was wrong. I can do this without surgical intervention or putting myself on some sort of liquid diet. I can do this. I can get outside and walk and when the weather turns too icky for that, I can put in a dvd and do that. Right now, I'm making ripples...tiny changes...but those tiny changes can change my life if I let them.

Making Changes

For too long, I've taken my life and my health for granted. Sure, there have been periods where I've made some vague effort and there was a period where I made a solid effort and oh my gosh, I felt so much better physically and even emotionally.

Then, as we all know, I not only dropped the ball, but I then kicked it into the neighbor's yard. You know, the one who has the dog like the one in Sandlot? The yard that has the high fence, the scary dog, and you're terrified to step one foot into it? Yep, for the past few years, that's where my ball has been and for whatever reason, I've been terrified to go and get my ball back.

A few months ago, I decided that it was time to creep around the yard to see if I could find a way in. I cut soda out of my life and I tried to increase my water intake. I don't know if it's helped any, but it certainly hasn't hurt.

Then, just over a week ago, I went and had my yearly blood work done and the results terrified me. Not only was I anemic (brought on by an ugly depo-provera reaction where I have an over the top heavy period that lasted a month straight), but I'm also borderline diabetic. Granted, that result could be from the anemia, but is it really worth that risk?

So, after a few days of meltdowns and panicking, I decided that it was time to step a foot over the boundary line and into the yard and to find my ball. After all, drool covered or not, it's my ball, not someone else's. Nobody else can fix this for me. This is something that I have to do for myself. I need to pick up the ball, wipe off the dust, drool, and anything else that's collected on it and relearn how to handle it.

What does all this ball talk mean? It means that I've recommitted to keeping soda out of my life and out of the house. I've been limiting myself to one a week and sometimes I don't have any. I've been drinking more water. It's still not enough but any is better than the none that I was doing. I've walked into my kitchen and I've started cleaning it up so that it can be used properly. When I went shopping this past weekend, I created a meal plan in advance and stuck with my list.

I was and am proud of all of those inchings into the yard, but yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I didn't inch. I took an actual step. Instead of just having a meal plan and ignoring it, I followed it. I unloaded groceries from the car, I washed up what I needed and I made a rather tasty Indian Curry for dinner last night. Other than the tomato paste, there wasn't a single processed ingredient in it. Even the sauce was made from scratch. It had veggies in it and things that are good for a person to eat. After dinner, I even packaged up the leftovers and washed up the dishes. This, I am incredibly proud of.

You see, it's incredibly easy for me to become overwhelmed and instead of running with the ball, I just kind of nudge it along and then forget about it under a bush or something. Except last night, even when something else was overwhelming and upsetting me, I didn't. I followed through. I followed through and now have delicious lunches for the rest of the week.

Then today, I took another step and instead of driving to the post office, I walked there and then came back the longer route. It's not huge, but it was .69 miles that I walked instead of drove. The weather was warm, the leaves crunchy underfoot and I feel all the better for doing it. Small changes. 15-20 minute a day changes, but pretty soon I'll be seeing just what I can do with that ball and with my life...the life I want to be around for.

Still Kicking

I bet you'd just about given up on me, but don't. I'm still here. Life got incredibly busy once school started and on top of that, when I started back on my medication, I got nailed with the insomnia side effect. I could live with that except this is highly specialized. I fall asleep just fine, but I can't seem to sleep for more than 3 hours at any point. I'll be honest. It's left me incredibly tired and things around here have been slipping some.

Still, it's not been all bad. I'm happy to say that I've done well giving up soda. I think it's been about a month since I've had more than a mouthful. I haven't switched totally to water, but I'm certainly getting more in than I was before. I'm certainly a work in progress, but for the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm worth the work.

There's a long way to go. I'd like to lose somewhere around 160 pounds or more before this journey is done, but I know that day by day, I can do this. I'm not rushing things. I'm taking tiny baby steps. My doctor won't be happy because it's not her pace, but that's life. I have to do this how it works for me or I'm just setting myself up for failure.

So, what's the next step? I've cut out the soda and I've actually gotten much better about eating breakfast each morning. Those were my first two goals. My next goal continues with the drinks line. I'm going to work on making things like sweetened teas (bottled varieties) a rare treat not a regular part of my diet while at the same time, continuing to increase my water intake. I'd like to get back up to the point where I'm drinking about 100 ounces of water a day. I have my water bottle. I just have to keep filling it and drinking it. I have the tools, now it's up to me to do the work.

At this point, I have no idea what I'm weighing in at so I don't know if anything I've done has made a change weight wise. I need to get a new scale. It seems that mine has given up. Still, I know that the decisions that I'm making may not create immediate changes, but they're good for me in the long term.

....and most importantly....I can do this.

Good Intentions

I had the best of intentions tonight. I got off the phone after talking to a friend about how I'm wanting to use an upcoming trip to England (September 2016) as motivation for me to get healthier. After all, travelling and tourism is much easier if you're smaller and healthier. Just talking about it, got me excited and so I decided that instead of waiting until tomorrow when I'll drive past my mailbox, I was going to get my shoes on and walk down there.

Yay for good intentions! Boooooo for the ten gazillion mosquitoes that were outside waiting for me! Holy heck, Batman! I stepped off the front porch and got about halfway down the block. I was thinking, "You know, it's really nice out tonight. Maybe instead of just down and back, I'll go up a block and get a bit more walking in."  I got about four more steps and the mosquito attack began. I was swatting and smacking and smearing and generally not enjoying myself. As I paused to open the mailbox, they took advantage and started attacking. I managed to get the junk mail (dang it, no books!) out and started hurrying back up the road. It didn't matter though. They were determined that I was going to be their next meal. I looked at the back of my arm at one point and had no less than ten of them on me. They were swarming all around me and as much as I wanted that walk, I wanted to be away from them more.

But hey..maybe I only made it there and back, but that's a great step in the right direction! I could have waited until tomorrow and stopped by in the car, but I didn't. I know it's small but hey, as people keep telling me, single steps start journeys and that's what this is. It's not a race. It's a journey.

So, instead of driving to the mailbox, I'll start walking and I'm also going to be working on kicking my soda habit. It's gotten really bad and I know why. Sugars = woohoo to the brain which when you're bipolar 2, the brain gets very happy about. I need to stop though. It's not healthy for me and getting the water back into my diet will help with a lot of things.

Day #2 - I've got this. ;)

Starting Over... Again

I've lost track of how many times I've started and stopped this dang blog and taking care of myself. Honest to goodness. I don't even have a clue now. I swear that I write a post and suddenly nearly a year zips by and here I am again.

Now, here's the part where I tell you this time will be different..yada yada yada.. but the truth is, it may not be. Of course, it may also be. Who knows, right? A lot has changed for me over the past few years and I haven't really told anyone this, but my doctor is really on my case about my weight. I have to go back and see her in about two months and I know that she's going to ask me if I went to the weight loss clinic (which I have no intention of really going to because the want to shove a liquid diet in my face and prepare me for surgery). The reality is that I know I can do this on my own. I don't need a liquid diet or fancy surgeries. I need to deal with the core of my issues, why I eat and why I eat what I eat.

I need to take care of me and this is the area that keeps coming to mind. You see, every year, on my birthday, I choose a goal to work on for the following year. I've done mental health, physical health (namely the issues with my sinuses) and other things. There is only one real criteria. They have to be specifically for me. They're not allowed to be about anyone else, not even the boys. This year, I've been going round and round with two things and my weight is one of them. The other is my dental health. I have terrible teeth. I always have and on top of that, as part of my omg I'm overwhelmed by life thing, I got out of the habit of taking care of them.

So, this year, I've decided to be a bit of an overachiever, and yet, they all tie into each other. Here's the other thing..other than here and at Life With Katie, I don't really intend on posting about this or even talking about it. I'm doing this for me and any posts about it will be done for me. That probably sounds more selfish than I usually am or perhaps as if I don't feel as if I need support. I can't really comment on the first one other than to say well yes...but that's the point of this. To "selfishly" do something for me. As for the second point? Well, here's the thing..writing tons of posts here is great and I will always welcome and appreciate any comments, but I am truly blessed right now with some great people in my life and I know that if I need them, I can turn to them.

Now...I've mentioned multiple goals and I'm going to lay them out here, even though only one is really specific to this blog...

1. Weight Loss - I currently weigh in at approximately 310 pounds. I'm not going to put a number goal on an entire year, but I'd like to get down to where I have more energy and I'm generally healthier again.

2. Dental Health - Taking better daily care of my teeth and then getting myself to the dentist for help with the rest, even if I am terrified and I know it's not going to be pretty.

3. Taking Better Care of Me - This is #1 and #2 combined as well as little things like finding a way to get a hair cut when I need one, taking time to relax with a game or a book or whatever fits my fancy, and who knows, maybe even bringing back Time for Me Thursday for the other site. I just need to take better care of me...This also includes continuing to work on my over thinking/over worrying/over stressing issues.

4. Creating a Home - Last but just as important as the others is the continued work on my house. In the past month, I've hauled out a ton of trash and almost as much to donate to Goodwill. I want to continue on that path until I have a home that I'm proud of and don't mind inviting people over to. I want to get it to the point where if Phil comes around, we don't have to go to a hotel unless that's what we want to do. I want the boys and I to be able to both use and relax in the space.

There we go. My four goals for the coming year. Technically my birthday isn't until September 23rd, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason to wait. Instead, I'm starting with this post. Pretty soon I'll write up one for the other site, but for now, this is going to be our little secret...me and anyone who may wander across this post.

For tonight, I'm starting with all of the goals in a really simple manner. I'm going to go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and while I'm in there, I'm going to clean the mirror. If I do some little thing every time I walk in there, the room will be looking fantastic in no time and it will make me smile to walk in there. Smiling when I walk in there will lead to a more relaxed, happier me. Sometimes everything feeds into some other thing.

Dear Tony...

Dear Tony,

You don't really know me. We've only spoken once or twice. You're probably not even sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I'm writing it because I think you understand. You get it and because you get it, I feel as if I can open up and share things with you that others won't understand.

Tony, I weigh 310 pounds. I wasn't always this way. When I was a child, I was the one that everyone said would never gain weight. I would always be skinny. Then, I started to gain weight. By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 180 pounds. I was made fun of because of that and because most times I had to wear the same pair of jeans more than one day a week to school. My family didn't have a lot of money and I was being raised by my grandparents who had grown up during the depression. I never told anyone about the anonymous notes left in my locker or even in my mailbox at home. I was never athletic, I didn't snack but I didn't turn down second helpings either.

When I went to college, I developed an eating disorder. I barely ate. I don't believe that I did it for looks. I did it because it was tied in with the mental health issues that I wouldn't have an official diagnosis for until I was 37 and said enough is enough. I didn't mind not eating though because soon, my clothes fit better and I believed the lies that my mind told me that skinnier was healthier. Before I went home after my freshman year, I was down from a size 16 to a size 12 and I loved how I looked. I mourned the weight that went back on because at home, I couldn't not eat.

By the time I dropped out of college halfway through the next year, I'd lost all that weight again. I'd also ended up in the emergency room for what was later ruled nothing more than a stress attack. Fast forward a year and now I'm 20...I skipped periods, gained massive amounts of weight (I went up 3 to 4 clothing sizes over a few months) and had other issues. My doctor sent me to an ob/gyn who took one look at me and said you're obese, this is why this has happened. She never listened to a word that I said. It wouldn't be until I was 38 that I would be diagnosed with PCOS.

Three pregnancies (the first leading to a miscarriage at 17 weeks), a divorce and what feels like a lifetime later, here I am at 310 pounds. I always swore I'd never break that 300 barrier, but I have and I'm scared. I know that I need help but I really and truly cannot afford it. You see, my oldest son has cerebral palsy and I've been diagnosed as Bipolar 2. Both of those have prevented me from finding a job outside of the house. I do some editing when jobs come up, but let's just say money is tight and there is no wiggle room. I don't go to Starbucks or order pizza. I drive a car that's older than my oldest and he's 14, nearly 15.

However, for the first time, I'm not using these as excuses. Yes, I get food stamps. No, it's not really enough to feed our family, but I do my best to find sales and I'm making changes to healthier options. Last night, I made a weight watchers recipe for tortellini and it called for adding a bag of frozen stir fry veggies to it. I'd never even thought of that as an option! It was delicious and I felt good that what I was making was healthier than pizza rolls or some other processed food option. I can't afford a gym membership, but I can walk around my village. (Yes, villages do still exist.) It will get cold soon, and I expect I'll have to switch to workout videos, but I have some and I have a way to play them. Some people don't have that.

I am also blessed that I have friends who have done this, who are doing this, or who are just plain awesome so that on the days when I'm struggling and feeling like this is impossible (which my doctor pretty much told me that it was and that I should consider surgery), I can reach out and they'll either encourage me, kick me in the butt or do both. I'm making small changes that will last a lifetime. I can do this. I won't have my children left without a mother or my future grandchildren left  without a grandmother to spoil them and love them. I won't be the person whose early death is being mourned, like someone else I know who recently died due to obesity. He was only 30.

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this...and I want to say thank you. Thank you for your posts about yourself. Thank you for being a cheerleader in the fight against obesity. Thank you for helping people get past excuse hell to what the hell was I waiting for. Thank you for being you.

Fear

Fear is something that we all face at some point or another in our lives. For some of us, it's something that never seems to go away. For others, it's a flash in the pan, a blip on the radar and as fast as it was there, it's gone. For most of us, we land somewhere smack dab in the middle.

I was talking with a friend the other day, about something that had nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with my life and suddenly I realized that I've been living in complete and total fear. It's been with me for so long that I no longer even acknowledge its presence, but bring up something that the fear has been masking and woah boy, there it is, rearing up its head and looking around at who to bite. Yep, fear not only has a tight grip, but it has a poison bite, the kind that can paralyze a person.

It's paralyzed me for so long that I no longer realized that I was no longer moving. I've been saying for months that I want to lose weight and yet, what have I really done about it? Sure, my water intake has increased..sometimes. Sure, I've eaten better...sometimes. I've grown frustrated with feeling stuck. It wasn't until that conversation that I realized that not only was I experiencing fear in that area, but I'm also experiencing it when it comes to my body. That fear has held me captive and until I handle it, I won't be able to move forward.

So, what am I afraid of? That's the bottom line, right? If I know what I'm afraid of, I can figure out a way to deal with it so I can move on. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I discovered that I have a whole list of fears when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to list them and then maybe we can talk about possibilities after...Ready? Here we go.

• I'm afraid to fail at losing weight.
• I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm going to die at a young age or develop serious health problems.
• I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm setting a horrible example for my children and one of them struggles with his weight already.
• I'm afraid that losing weight won't change how people see me. 
• I'm afraid that if I lose weight, my self-esteem will drop even further because I'll still be invisible or everyone's friend.
• I'm afraid if I lose weight, I'll be more vulnerable..that I won't have my weight to use as an excuse anymore.

Lots of fears there and I can already hear some of you telling me that I need to lose the weight for myself, that I need to love myself and believe myself and all of that. Yep, I know all of that. I don't need anyone to tell me that. Knowing something may be half the battle, but the other half is knowing how to deal with that knowledge. I've spent most of my life feeling as if nobody wants me. I've hid behind my weight. When you're fat and guys aren't interested in you or people tell you that you would never come across as sexy, part of you can shrug and say well yeah, it's because I'm fat.

So, what happens if I lose weight and get down to that magical number that everyone thinks I should be at and nothing changes? That's one of the fears that I'm facing. It's something that I've given myself one or two stern lectures over. I'm still that little lost girl sometimes..the one that just wants to hear that she's beautiful and who gets a piece of the attention instead of being lost in the background. That's who I am and that's something that I will probably spend a long time working on. That's okay. It's who I am right now and I'm healing. I'm rebuilding. 

Acceptance is important when it comes to fears. Let me clarify that. It's not important that you accept your fears, but it is important that you accept yourself for who you are right now. After all, that's the person that you have to deal with as you face your fears and as you continue to grow into a better version of yourself. 

Remember how we talked about bottom lines above? Well, here's the true bottom line for me. Which set of fears is more important? Set A, without a doubt. I cannot live a life and be the best mother that I can be at the weight that I currently am. I cannot teach my children how to nurture their bodies and to be the best people they can be if I'm not doing that myself. Yes, I'm still afraid that I could lose 100 pounds and walk into a room and nobody notice. It wasn't so long ago that I sat in a room listening to someone talk about how far they had come with their weight and had forgotten my own struggle. 

That's all okay though because at the end of the day, a journey isn't really a journey without some struggle thrown in. I think it's called a walk in the park, maybe a quiet stroll.  My journey involves mountains, rivers and sometimes even international borders without a passport. I just need to know that I can do anything if I can just tell my fears to go take a hike while I hike in the other direction. 

Now, before I go, I want to talk about one other fear that I have. It's the fear of asking for help. I was raised to be the person who took care of everyone else and it was made clear that my own needs weren't all that important. Even though I'm an adult now, I still haven't gotten past that fear that if I reach out to someone, I'm going to be slapped down. That's a fear that I want to tackle and I'm going to ask all of you for your help. I don't care if you've lost 5 pounds, 100 pounds or gained 10. If you have any tips or advice that you can share, please do so. Maybe you found an awesome recipe last week or you're trying a new workout program. If so, drop me a comment. The great thing about support is that if given, it's also so often received in return. I know some who have lost amazing amounts of weight and I'm going to try to step outside of my comfort zone and nudge them for some advice, especially on those days where I'm just stuck. There's absolutely nothing so wonderful as a pep talk from a friend, right? Right.

So here we go again. I have no idea what I weigh and I don't plan on stepping on the scale tonight. What I do plan on doing is taking those fears one at a time and giving myself the needed love to conquer them as I focus on what changes I can make to become the person that I deep down, really want to be.

Sleep well, my friends...

A day late, but for a good reason!

Folks, I have never been so happy to sit down and write a post here. I can't even begin to describe the smile on my face this week. Before I even attempt to explain why, let me tell you why I'm a day late this week.

It's because...*drumroll* ..I spent yesterday putting in a new kitchen floor with the help of someone amazing enough to help me! I have just one row left to put in and then it will be all done and I can organize everything and start cooking again! I am soooo excited about this! Plus, it just looks awesome.

Now, back to the topic at hand...hehe... Wow, what a week. My water pipes froze (and are still frozen!) except for the hot water going to my bathtub. So..how was my water last week? Awful! I managed to do 2 bottles a day right up until that happened. Then, because I was also snowed in, I switched to bottles of smoothie that I had in the fridge and drank one of those a day. It wasn't quite 48oz but I figured it was liquid and pretty healthy so better than nothing. Once those ran out, I switched to orange juice. Sheesh, talk about a challenge but I still got in the amount of liquids and it wasn't in the form of hot chocolate, soda or anything else that's super awful for you.

Plus, the cat is now out of the bag, so I can tell you my new plan for exercise! After listening to my friend, Rob, go on and on and on and on...well, you get the point...about how much he loves roller derby and skating and how it's saved his sanity more than once, I got gutsy and decided to try it out. Now, I know that those of you who know my penchant for falling off of things and tripping over my
own pajama bottoms are thinking dear lord, she's gone and finally completely lost her mind. Once I actually put my feet in the skates, I thought the same thing along with placing mental bets with myself on how long it would take before I broke something.

I am happy to say that not only did I not break anything, I only fell down once and it was only to go down on one knee! Granted, it was the knee I've had problems with, but no real damage done. On top of that, I had so much fun, even if I completely sucked at it! I am learning from scratch, after all. I didn't expect to be any good at it. So, this is what I'm going to be doing from now on. There's a rink about 25 minutes away that does free skates on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Well, they do them a couple of other times but they're busy then and I'd rather go when they're not. Plus, someone told me about another rink about 45 minutes away that's supposed to be a million times better. Dang it, I think I might end up getting hooked on this! I suppose there are worse things to be hooked on though, right?

The best part?  I know that even though I only went back and forth in this little maybe 10 foot area (while holding onto the wall), I know it was exercise. My legs, abdomen and one arm were pretty darn sore yesterday. Then, I worked in the kitchen and trust me, getting back up off the floor was a challenge. My knee didn't hurt but it sure didn't want to go back up after I went down.

I guess this means that I'm adding exercise back into my weekly routines. I won't be able to go skating every week because the boys aren't interested and spending time with them is more important to me. However, since the one rink is in the town they live in, I might start taking them back early on Sunday afternoons and getting in one hour of skating. Then, there's the gym that I mentioned last week. Financially it won't be easy, but I'm thinking about getting a membership and going over there twice a week to use their equipment. I really wish that I had closer options but that is one of the downsides to living in the middle of nowhere. If I get the membership, that will mean that I'm working out four days a week on the weeks that I go skating. Wow! I hope I'm ready to add in such a big goal!

Speaking of goals, here are mine for this week:

• 2 bottles of water each day - I bought 2 gallons of water to help with this.
• Make final decision regarding gym membership.
• Research 2nd skating rink.
• Finish the kitchen to make progress towards healthier cooking.
• Complete garden planning to make progress towards growing healthier foods.

I think that's it! I hope everyone has a great week! Please, feel free to leave comments or drop me a line on Facebook. I have a fan page there that maybe we could all start to putting to some use! 

Starting Weight: --------

Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -2.8 lbs

Total Weight Loss: -4.4 lbs

Daily Water Average: 32 oz (of liquid, not necessarily water)

Starting Over - It's All Part of a New Me

Today is the start of a brand new journey...or another chapter in my ongoing journey. Really every day is a new page, every year a new chapter...

Today though, I start over. I've spent the past 9 months taking care of me in other ways. I got brave and I went to the doctor and told her to "give me the works." My pap and breast exam came back clean. My cholesterol was high so I was put on meds for it. She sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist who determined that I need sinus surgery and my tonsils out. I'll be calling tomorrow to schedule that because one way or another, even if I have to beg someone from Canada to take me and then put up with me for a few days, I will get it done. I'm tired of waiting. She asked me about breast reduction, which is something that I will most likely also be pursuing. The one thing that she didn't badger me about was my weight. Yes, it was commented on but there were more important issues...like my mental health ones. Since then, I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and Bipolar II disorder. I'm on a low level anti-depressant to help.

All of this allowed me to start regaining control in other areas of my life. Slowly, but surely, I have tackled rooms in my home and created functional spaces that we all appreciate. I'm not quite at the halfway point, but I'm still moving forward. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my children...one who can shut off the voices that demand that there are a million things to be done and allow her to sit down and play video games or even make plans for the future with her children. My house is cleaner, my van is 2/3 of the way clean (the cold and snow got me before I could finish the center section) for the first time in years, my barn has even come a long way. I planted things this year and delighted in watching them grow and caring for them. I've watched my boys bloom in ways that as a mother delight me and scare me all at once (after all, they are both teenagers now). I've come a long way.

Now, it's time to take back control of my weight. I just spent a week with one of my closest friends on the planet. I've watched from a distance as he's dropped the weight. It wasn't so long ago (not even 2 years), that I stood in his house and listened to him go on about how amazing I looked because of the weight I had dropped and how wonderful we were both doing. I didn't hear that this time. I heard how amazing his weight loss journey was and is...and trust me, I don't resent that even one tiny bit...it really is amazing how he's done and I am so, so proud of him. However, I didn't hear him tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful or look great. Even when I wore special things for him, he didn't even notice.

I should clarify that the reality is that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with my weight but it hit home with me. Just like it hit home to hear it stated that there were doubts that I could climb stairs or even walk any amount of distance. I'm so isolated from the world here that I had forgotten what it felt like to have assumptions made about me due to my weight. It hurt. It wasn't meant to. It was a comparison in his journey from where he was to where he is..and a warning to me that it might be difficult. Still, it was a harsh reminder of how far things have come with me...

and the truth is...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being seen as less than I am because of what I weigh. I'm sick of not being seen as sexy, but only as intellectual. I'm proud of my brain, but damn it, a compliment now and then or being told I'm sexy certainly wouldn't hurt. I'm sick of my own excuses. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of it all...and more than a little angry. I'm angry at myself and in this journey, I've found that when I get angry, I make changes. There's nothing wrong with a good healthy anger so long as it's pointed in the right direction.

So tonight, I let it point me in the direction of the scale. No matter what number it said, I wasn't and I'm not beating myself up over it. It's a number. It's a starting point and it will change. The next time Rob sees me, he's going to see less of me. He's going to see less of me and maybe he won't notice, but I'll know and at the end of the day, it's my health and my life...

It's time to make some changes and tonight, I start with the first round. In no particular order, the following are happening:

• I'll be weighing in each Monday morning to track my progress.
• The last of the soda has been drank (the boys and I had the last of it for root beer floats earlier today) and I won't be buying any more.
• Each morning I'll be filling my water bottle and each week, increasing the amount that I drink each day...starting with just one bottle and building my way up.
• I've moved my medication to my bedside table so I have no excuse not to take it if I forget before coming up for the night. 
• I'll be reaching out to friends who have lost quite a bit of weight for advice and recipes.
• Starting next week, I'll be meal planning again to help get my eating habits back under control.
• I have an idea for some exercise but it's still in the planning stages and I'm not quite ready to reveal what it is.

Not huge steps, but ones that keep me on the right path and that get me going again. I don't expect to drop 150 pounds overnight, but I do expect to drop it. I can do this. If there are those along the road who will help support me and encourage me, it would mean the world, but even if I'm in this alone, I know I can still do this.

I Need to Believe

I'm going to start this post out by asking for forgiveness. I know that you might find that strange, but I feel like I have so many things that I want to talk about and my brain is jumping from one to the other and back again so I cannot promise that this posting will be entirely smooth flowing.

Let's start out with the negative. It's always best to clear that out of the head so that you can move on. So, here's my negative...I feel like I'm losing a competition that in all reality doesn't even exist. I am a part of this amazing group of women and I see what they're doing and a part of my brain keeps saying, 'You're so far behind. Look what they're doing. They're meal planning and you're way back on just trying to be hydrated. There's no way you can be as awesome as they are.' Wow, huh? The things that we do to ourselves sometimes are so far worse than what anyone else can do.  None of these amazing women have ever made me feel less because I'm barely at the starting line. This is all entirely in my head and yeesh, it needs to go.

In other negativity news, I've just been a whirling bundle of emotions the latter half of this week. I can't really get into the details but trust me when I say that it's the kind of thing that can just sink a person. I desperately need to talk to a certain someone but as always, finding a time that works for both of us is proving difficult. I'm working hard on taking a deep breath and just continuing to move with life until that can happen. Being so emotional had totally led me to the path of emotional eating which completely and totally sucks. I need to not be sabotaging myself like that. It just turns into a hugely negative cycle and yeah...

Now, let's look at the positives..Did I mention that I'm a part of this amazing group of women? Watching them grow and learning from them is such a blessing in my life. I know that I'm not where they are, but they love me anyway and love, acceptance and support are so important. Who knew when I started my weight loss journey that I would get to know and love such amazing women from all over? Someone must have because we've all come together and it could only be because we're meant to be.

Warning...brain jump ahead...

I don't have a number for this post. I know that I said I would, but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment because I had a sick kiddo. It's now scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. As much as I hate to weigh myself outside, I think I've decided to put my scale by my front porch and weigh myself on the front deck. It's probably not totally level, but it's also probably going to be more accurate than anywhere in the house. I have an end goal number in mind and I need the accountability of the scale. It won't be a daily weigh in, but a weekly one.

I also haven't quite figured out the whole working out thing yet. Now that the boys are back in school, I won't be going to anymore wrestling practices so that rules out walking the hallways. The bonus is that the new season of Biggest Loser just started. While I don't always agree with how they do it or anything like that, watching people shed the pounds is motivational to me. Two seasons ago, before everything fell apart, I started walking during the show. I think that I'm going to start doing that again. Any physical activity is better than no activity.

Speaking of bits of activity, I've also started bathroom push ups again. I know what you're thinking..what the heck is she talking about? Back when I was very serious about losing weight and was actually dropping pounds, I used to do push ups in my bathroom every time I went in to use it. I would close the door and do as many wall push ups as my arms could stand. I'm happy to say that since I'm drinking more water again, I've done 45 push ups tonight. Yes, they're against the wall but who cares? My arms are feeling it and that means the muscles are working. Working muscles are good muscles.

And...I guess that's my very disjointed check in. I'm struggling but I'm still moving. I just need to tell myself and to believe that I can do this. I can drop the 138 pounds that I want to drop. I have to believe in me and right now, that's my biggest struggle. My head is saying no, you can't..well brain, actions speak louder than words and one tiny step at a time, I will do this. I can do this.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  -----
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
New Weight: -----
Workouts: Wall Push Ups
Average Daily Water Intake: 60 oz (Yep, I did it!)

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Day 1 of the get my butt in gear challenge has begun. Ok, it's not really a challenge and has little to nothing to do with my butt, but it sounded good, right?

Tomorrow is my first official weigh in. I don't know how often those weigh ins will occur because while I have a perfectly good scale, I have a perfectly rotten house for weighing in. It has carpet in every room and the floors aren't level. Since I don't want false yays or boos, I have to figure out how to work around this challenge. The easiest way would be to weigh in at the doctor's office, but since I don't intend on being continually ill, that's not going to work for more than my first weigh in. So, tomorrow I go to the doctor's for my post surgery appointment. It honestly should have happened at least a week ago, but with sick us, I had to reschedule it. I'm fairly certain that he'll give me clearance to start working out again and basically wave his magic doctor's wand and say be gone. I can't really see why he'd need further follow up with me.

Right. So that turned into a small tangent. I am totally in oooh shiney syndrome mode today. Let's see if I can get myself back on target. What I was going to say when I started writing this post is that two things are going to happen today and I want to tell all of you because we all know that putting it on the internet makes it true, right?

Thing 1: Water. I have completely and totally slacked off when it comes to staying hydrated. As someone who is pretty much chronically dehydrated, it's even more important that I jump back on this one. I know that some people can immediately just start drinking 100oz or more a day, but I'm not one of them. However, I do have my pretty pink water bottle and a rubber band. The bottle has notches in it and for each bottle I drink, I'll move the band up one notch (yes, this is my own high tech invention). For the rest of this week and the weekend, my goal is only 3 notches a day. If I babystep my way into these changes, they're far more likely to stick.

Thing 2: Wrestling practice is boring. Seriously. It is the least interesting practice to watch short of tennis, maybe. However, I noticed last night that there are multiple people who go up and run laps in the halls during practice. While I am by no means ready to start running, there's nothing that says I can't start walking right? After all, Tony says that he started with a minute on the treadmill. If he can start at one minute, maybe I can start with one lap. So tonight, I'm wearing my sneakers to practice and I'll do that one lap. Who knows, I might even go for 2!

PS I've made an new healthy journey friend...stop on over and say hi if you get the chance. Support is so key!

2013...A Year About Me

So, it's been a while, huh? It's been a while because well ...I haven't really been focused on much more than health survival for the past few months, it seems. First, it was bronchitis at the start of October. That lasted darn near a month. I just got better from that and then it was mental health survival time as I was personally and publicly attacked due to my close friendship with someone. I won't go into more detail than that. No handing power away as they say. Then came Thanksgiving and immediately after, I wasn't feeling good so I drove myself 30 minutes to the ER just to find out that I had gallstones! Fast forward two weeks and the gall bladder was gone! Just when I thought I was on the road to good health, I came down with stomach flu! Seriously! Here's to a healthier 2013!

Now, a few years ago, I gave up on resolutions and decided to go with words or concepts to work towards in the upcoming year. For the past two years, my word was simplicity. This year, it is still going to be simplicity but I'm adding in simplicity in all things. That's right. You guessed it. That includes things such as diet and exercise. Let's face it. Gyms are nice but not all of us live near one or can afford a membership. Let's also face it. I don't need a gym. Treadmills are awesome but I have a perfectly good road right outside my door.

So, other than hoping to snag some pool time, chances are you won't be seeing me at a gym this year. I have all of the tools that I need right here at home. I have half a dozen workout/yoga/walking dvds. I have fantastic workouts that were put together when I was still a part of Mamavation. These work. I know that they work because they were working for me before.

As for diet, I'm getting back into the kitchen. No, my kitchen still isn't perfect and I still don't have a working sink, but look at it this way...carrying dishes to the bathtub and back is extra steps. Twisting to put the clean dishes up on the towel rack to dry is like stretching. It's a mini workout in itself. My pedometer finally has a new battery so hopefully I should be getting that back on and keeping track of those numbers.

Do y'all remember my little thing that used to go on the bottom of my posts? Where I kept track of number of workouts, average amount of water drank and pounds lost (or gained)? It's coming back. It was a good visual reminder of where I needed to go and where I had been.

Now, for the question that I'm sure is on some of your minds...how many pounds in 2013? I'm not setting that number. You see, it's about being healthy and getting healthy. Yes, I have weight to lose. Yes, I have a lot of weight to lose. Do I have an overall goal? Sure I do. Am I going to pressure myself and stress myself about achieving it in a set amount of time? Heck no.

So what am I waiting for? Medical clearance. I have my post surgery follow up on Friday where I'm sure that I'm going to get the all clear. Once I have that, it's back to the lunges, sit ups and squats. The bigger question is...Who will join me on this journey?

I've never done this, but if you need a place to journal about your journey, let me know. I'm going to be opening the site up for those who need a place for support and to write about their healthy lifestyle changes and journeys.

Here's to 2013...the year of healthier and happier people!

PS If you're looking for those numbers, they'll start with the next post after I get an official (fully clothed with shoes)weigh in at the doctor's office on Friday.