Thursday, July 27, 2017

I Just Need to Write

I'm horribly emotional today. I never know if that's progress from the numbness or if it's something else. I guess that's the problem with mental disorders, huh? I once considered trying to keep a private journal so maybe I could track things so that when they happened in the future I would know. It never happened though because while I love routine, being "forced" to write just felt wrong to me.

Today though, I just need to write, and I hope that's okay with everyone who might stumble upon this little blog of mine. It's been a rough week and maybe if I get some of it out of my head, I'll feel better. It's worth a shot anyway.

I don't really know where to start though. That's how it goes, right? You make the decision to write and then realize your head and heart are so jumbled up that you can't do more than write about how you don't know what to write.

I guess you could say that this was a very high emotion week. High emotion weeks are really rough when I'm depressed. They drain me more than I'm already drained. On Sunday, I went to pick up my youngest from his father's house. He was supposed to be ready at 7pm. At 7:30pm, he started out of the house just to be called back inside by his stepmother for another 30 minutes. Long story short, she informed my son that she wasn't going to do something she had said she would. I don't know if it was the blatant disregard for my time, the fact that I've already been struggling with what's happening, or what, but I completely lost it. I was livid and if my son hadn't said something, I'd have been inside their house letting them know just how I felt about their "parenting style."  I was angry enough that it scared my oldest. I never lose my cool around them like that.

I'd like to say that the week improved from there, but it didn't. I think losing it like that has opened up a well of emotion that I just don't know how to handle. I'm still avoiding social media for the most part. I skim through my feed now and then but I'm finding that it's hard to emotionally handle some of what I'm seeing. I see another friend post about how they're struggling and the support is overwhelming and while I'm glad she has that, I mourn the fact that I don't. Crystal commented on my last post being sorry that the people that I want to count on aren't available. It's not that. It's that more and more, I feel as if those people don't actually exist. I know that to some extent, that's my fault. It's easier to hide than it is to argue with the depression when it says nobody wants to hear about it. It's easier to say, "I thought you were my friend, but then you stopped paying attention to me and it's not life getting in the way because you always have time for someone else." than it is to say, "Hey, I could use someone to listen." One is defensive and the other is to be vulnerable and when you're sinking being vulnerable is a huge risk. It's all about choices.

I guess that's where I'm at. I need to make choices. Some will be easy and some may break my heart. For a long time, I've had a private FB account that's never had more than 20 friends on it. I created it during a time where I needed a safe place to vent where my "family" wouldn't see. Right now, I think there are 16 people there. These are supposed to be the people that I trust and can turn to at any time. I've come to realize that I'm not sure any of them or many of them are. There's the guy who was my best friend until his wife decided I was going to try to poach him so she insisted he remove me from his he did on the account she knew about but kept the private account. There's the guy who was my best friend and who I trusted with my life but after telling me how glad he was that I was in his life and that he wasn't walking the path of life struggles alone stopped talking to me unless I messaged him first. There's the woman who claimed I was a close friend and promised to help me raise the money for my son's trip by buying something from me but hasn't spoken to me in probably close to a year and who actually "forgot" about her promise but didn't feel bad about how it affected me or my son. There's the guy that I looked up to and who looked out for me until my ex-husband told his wife that he wasn't interested in her and so she decided to hate me so he wasn't allowed to be friends with me anymore. This is just a sampling but it's a pretty solid idea of what's there. I keep thinking that maybe it's time to let go even though it hurts like hell. Maybe it's time to let go of the people who said they'd always be there for me but through their actions have shown that not to be true. Just thinking about it has me in tears again.

There are other decisions to be made..including whether or not I go back onto the anti-depressants. I've been off them for two years now but this time, this episode, is worse than anything I've faced during that time. It's taking me back to before I sought help. My short term memory is being affected, my concentration, and so many other things. With everything else ahead of me that I'm facing, maybe it's time to go back on them.

So many maybes...maybe I should just walk away from social media. I love people and I love being able to see into their worlds, but I'm not a part of their worlds. They're "false friends" -- friends only under the illusion of social media. Maybe I'd be better without the illusion. With everything that's happened at the doctor's recently and in life lately, maybe I'd be better off leaving that all behind. After all, don't they say that those who really care will find a way to be there?

Sunday, July 23, 2017

You haven't noticed, but I'm not okay...

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted here. Life got crazy with the return of the youngest and our schedules changing every week. I finally got that blood work done and saw the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. My blood sugar is high but hasn't moved in two years. My weight was actually up about 4.5 pounds from when I weighed in at my last depo shot appointment. I have to schedule a mammogram. She suggested that I try to get out and walk for 30 minutes a day and consider going to the weight loss clinic. I have to call my insurance company to see what is and isn't covered...

The bigger problem, for me anyway, comes in the fact that more and more I'm sinking into a depression. It's not always sadness, it's numbness. I go through the day and I don't feel the depression but it's there. I can't make myself do the things that I should.  My little porch garden is half dead because I stopped watering it.  I pull out cookbooks to try to work on a healthier meal plan and they sit there unopened. I haven't posted to Facebook in about 10 days and nobody has noticed. I'm slowly sinking into my own private oblivion and nobody will notice when I'm gone. I'm convinced of that.

Oh don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. That's not how this kind of depression works for me. I just go invisible. I stop participating in things, which, let's be honest, isn't hard when you live in the middle of nowhere and have no friends within any close distance. It will get to the point where I only leave the couch to go to the bathroom, make bowls of cereal, and sometimes get a drink. I'll just stop living. I'll just exist. This has happened before...

Life goes on, but it will go on without me. On the occasions where I'm forced to go out, I'll be like
the people in the depression commercial with their masks. I'll put on a fake smile and do what it takes to get back into hiding. Nobody will try to draw me out. They haven't even noticed that I'm fading. I'm easy to forget, to turn your back on. I always have been.

Maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be there for others but destined to be alone, hiding from the world. The world doesn't need for me to be happy, just to be available for others. Someday I'm going to find my happy place...and I suspect that place will be someplace where I'm all alone. It's easier and easier to walk away from the things and the people that I love because they don't love me back. It's easier to hide, to be alone...

I'm sure that this isn't the post that anyone wants to read. I could have come here and written about my friend Keith who worked hard at his dreams and at being healthy and who is now dying of pancreatic cancer, but even that would have the ugly twist of the fact that I'm jealous of the fact that he's making plans with others for the time he has left but hasn't even liked anything I've commented on his posts. I love him but I'm forgotten to him...and please, before anyone comments that I'm not important because he's dealing with far bigger things...yes, I know. Knowing doesn't change the ugliness in my head. If I could trade my life for his, I would. He's meant for wonderful things and I'm not. I have no purpose and with how thing are, I don't know that I'll ever break free from the cage that is my head.
I don't know what else to say. I had hoped that maybe if I wrote this, if I shared it, that maybe it would help unlock the door, but instead, I just feel even more like hiding, like running, like going away to a place no one can ever find me. The man I love once told me that the world deserves me and that I'm doing it a great disservice by hiding away. That same man hasn't spoken to me in over a month and I don't know why. It all adds up and it's become too much for me to bear. I just need to hide away from here, away from everything...

I don't know when I'm be back or if anyone will even notice me missing, but if you do, do one thing for me...take care of yourself and of each other. Notice when someone's regular habits change, be there, even if it's just to sit quietly while they pour their soul out to you. It's not always about fixing things, but just having someone you can share them with...

Thursday, July 6, 2017


Ugh. Does anyone know when grass pollen season ends? We've been under a pollen warning for at least 2 months now. It wasn't too bad at first when it was tree pollen but now that grass pollen has been sitting at very high for weeks, I'm at my wit's end.

For those that don't know, I have some nasty allergies and it seems that this year they're worse than ever. Grass pollen is the biggest culprit and it's gotten to that point that I've doubled up my allergy meds and I'm still in tons of pain. Unfortunately for me, when my allergies act up, the left side of my sinuses swell and cause me intense pain in that area, my left eye, my left ear, and the left side of my jaw. It makes getting any accomplished nearly impossible. The only thing that helps it is to "drink" water constantly.

Why the quotes? Because I'm not actually swallowing right away. I hold it in the upper part of the left side of my mouth and almost float my sinuses. It relieves the pressure briefly but let me tell you, getting 64 ounces of water a day has been a breeze! It's insane the amount of water that I drink. I haven't been keeping track but I know it's 64 ounces or more every day.

I've also been really good about taking my medicine, two-thirds of which is allergy related. It helps or at least I'm hoping it's helping! Either way, I'm proud of being on top of those two things. I still need to get into the habit of wearing my fit bit and making sure I make those step goals. Hopefully the grass will stop making grass babies soon and I can get outside more. It's actually gotten so bad that we're ordering masks for me to wear (at least while at home).

So, I'm still here, I'm still slowly plugging away at this and I'm thankful for anyone who stops by and reads this. It's good for all of us to know that we're not alone in this pollen spewing universe.

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