Thursday, July 27, 2017

I Just Need to Write

I'm horribly emotional today. I never know if that's progress from the numbness or if it's something else. I guess that's the problem with mental disorders, huh? I once considered trying to keep a private journal so maybe I could track things so that when they happened in the future I would know. It never happened though because while I love routine, being "forced" to write just felt wrong to me.

Today though, I just need to write, and I hope that's okay with everyone who might stumble upon this little blog of mine. It's been a rough week and maybe if I get some of it out of my head, I'll feel better. It's worth a shot anyway.

I don't really know where to start though. That's how it goes, right? You make the decision to write and then realize your head and heart are so jumbled up that you can't do more than write about how you don't know what to write.

I guess you could say that this was a very high emotion week. High emotion weeks are really rough when I'm depressed. They drain me more than I'm already drained. On Sunday, I went to pick up my youngest from his father's house. He was supposed to be ready at 7pm. At 7:30pm, he started out of the house just to be called back inside by his stepmother for another 30 minutes. Long story short, she informed my son that she wasn't going to do something she had said she would. I don't know if it was the blatant disregard for my time, the fact that I've already been struggling with what's happening, or what, but I completely lost it. I was livid and if my son hadn't said something, I'd have been inside their house letting them know just how I felt about their "parenting style."  I was angry enough that it scared my oldest. I never lose my cool around them like that.

I'd like to say that the week improved from there, but it didn't. I think losing it like that has opened up a well of emotion that I just don't know how to handle. I'm still avoiding social media for the most part. I skim through my feed now and then but I'm finding that it's hard to emotionally handle some of what I'm seeing. I see another friend post about how they're struggling and the support is overwhelming and while I'm glad she has that, I mourn the fact that I don't. Crystal commented on my last post being sorry that the people that I want to count on aren't available. It's not that. It's that more and more, I feel as if those people don't actually exist. I know that to some extent, that's my fault. It's easier to hide than it is to argue with the depression when it says nobody wants to hear about it. It's easier to say, "I thought you were my friend, but then you stopped paying attention to me and it's not life getting in the way because you always have time for someone else." than it is to say, "Hey, I could use someone to listen." One is defensive and the other is to be vulnerable and when you're sinking being vulnerable is a huge risk. It's all about choices.

I guess that's where I'm at. I need to make choices. Some will be easy and some may break my heart. For a long time, I've had a private FB account that's never had more than 20 friends on it. I created it during a time where I needed a safe place to vent where my "family" wouldn't see. Right now, I think there are 16 people there. These are supposed to be the people that I trust and can turn to at any time. I've come to realize that I'm not sure any of them or many of them are. There's the guy who was my best friend until his wife decided I was going to try to poach him so she insisted he remove me from his life...so he did on the account she knew about but kept the private account. There's the guy who was my best friend and who I trusted with my life but after telling me how glad he was that I was in his life and that he wasn't walking the path of life struggles alone stopped talking to me unless I messaged him first. There's the woman who claimed I was a close friend and promised to help me raise the money for my son's trip by buying something from me but hasn't spoken to me in probably close to a year and who actually "forgot" about her promise but didn't feel bad about how it affected me or my son. There's the guy that I looked up to and who looked out for me until my ex-husband told his wife that he wasn't interested in her and so she decided to hate me so he wasn't allowed to be friends with me anymore. This is just a sampling but it's a pretty solid idea of what's there. I keep thinking that maybe it's time to let go even though it hurts like hell. Maybe it's time to let go of the people who said they'd always be there for me but through their actions have shown that not to be true. Just thinking about it has me in tears again.

There are other decisions to be made..including whether or not I go back onto the anti-depressants. I've been off them for two years now but this time, this episode, is worse than anything I've faced during that time. It's taking me back to before I sought help. My short term memory is being affected, my concentration, and so many other things. With everything else ahead of me that I'm facing, maybe it's time to go back on them.

So many maybes...maybe I should just walk away from social media. I love people and I love being able to see into their worlds, but I'm not a part of their worlds. They're "false friends" -- friends only under the illusion of social media. Maybe I'd be better without the illusion. With everything that's happened at the doctor's recently and in life lately, maybe I'd be better off leaving that all behind. After all, don't they say that those who really care will find a way to be there?


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