Bonus Post: Diabetes

 Well, it's finally happened. My "inability" to take care of myself has led to me being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. My doctor assures me that if I lose the weight and start paying attention to my diet and actually get some exercise, that it's reversible. I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm at my heaviest weight and it's due to all of the crap that I've spent the past 5 months or so eating. 

I'm freaked though. I don't know how to fix this. Okay, I do. I mean, I lost 75 pounds in the past. The thing is...at that time, I had a place in my house to workout and a kitchen floor that didn't threaten to kill me whenever I step on it. Ben would tell me to stop making excuses and fix the problems. Really that's my only choice, but I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. 

I had to go and have more bloodwork done. I'm being put on medication. I might go see a diabetic nutrionist and she wants me to go see my eye doctor. I guess I'll have to call my insurance company to see if I can go before April because she doesn't want me to wait that long. 

I don't know, y'all. I'm super sad that I didn't love myself enough to prevent this. I'm not angry. I'm just sad. Anger is pointless and toxic when turned on myself. I haven't told anyone except Justin yet. I don't really want to make this a public thing, but I feel as if I need help. Even if it's just support and accountability. The reality is that I know I can't do it alone. It's going to take planning and preparation and a shit ton of house cleaning.

Maybe it's just as well that my editing jobs have slowed down. It may open up the time to work on the house. If I can get the house cleaned up, I can get the floor fixed. If I get the floor fixed, I'll be able to use my stove/oven again. If I can use them again, I can cook healthier meals. If I can cook healthier meals, it will help me to drop the weight and just get healthier. 

I have to go back and see my doctor in January. That's not a lot of time to get things in order, but I have to do what I can do. It's not going to be easy and I honestly expect that it's going to be a super big struggle, but if I did it before, I can do it again. I have to believe that, even when my brain says you're going to fail. That's exactly what my brain is screaming right now. You can't do this. It's too hard. You're going to remain fat and get sick and end up like Graham. Ugh. I do not want that to happen. I guess thank goodness he's pretty much shoved me out of his life. I'd hate for him to see that, but I need to be honest with myself. That's what's happening in my head.

So...I guess this weekend I add figure all this out to my list of things to do. I want to talk to Rob about it. I'd like to talk to Nick about it but come Tuesday it will be 10 weeks since I last heard from him. I've faced the fact that he's not there for me. He's not supporting me. Maybe I'll talk to Eric about it too. He's the only other person who knew about any of this. He actually wished me good luck at the appointment this morning. That was really nice. 

I don't want a huge support team, but I need a support team that I can rely on to support. And I guess that's that. I don't know what else to say about any of this other than it's stressing me out and it should be. I fucked up and I fucked up big time. Time to try to save myself because no one else can. 

Weekly Update: NaNo!

I can't believe that it's November again. A year ago, I was shivering in my car waiting for Roger to get out of sax lessons. Today I was talking to him about college and how he has a concert on Friday. (Note to self: Don't forget to get your ticket!) A lot has changed over the past year. I've changed over the past year.

NaNo has not changed over the past year. It's still 50,000 words in 30 days. What's changed for me is my focus. A week ago, my focu was to finish Nevermore, the novel that I started writing nearly two years ago. Yesterday, on day 3 of NaNo, I finished it. That's right. After nearly 2 years, I finished writing my very first novel. That's pretty huge, right?

It was a moment of excitement and the sadness as I realized that I couldn't share that with the man. It was the first thing that I wanted to do. I messaged him, but he was too busy to open messages and so, in the end, I posted it to Instagram and shared it to Facebook. Some people on Facebook liked the post which made me feel good, but really what I wanted was a celebration. I wanted people to comment acknowledging how big of a deal this was to me. Nobody really did, but maybe they don't realize just how huge this is.

But, I did it. The girl who they said would never be anything or do anything wrote a novel all by herself and damn it, I'm proud of that. I'm going to say it again... I wrote a book and damn it, I'm proud of that. I did it. Me.

Now that it's done and off to be double checked before revisions, I'm going to be working on writing some children's stories. I used to love telling the boys stories at bedtime and who knows, maybe someday they'll read these stories to my grandkids. No time soon though! We'll let others read them first.

For now though, it's time to flip the laundry and take some deep breaths because life can be overwhelming sometimes.

PS Two weeks of a period is two weeks too many...talk about overwhelming!

Ch..Ch...Ch...Changes

Another month has flown by and I can't even tell you where it went. February in Michigan has been brutal with things like polar vortexes, icemageddons, and then a bomb cyclone. There was a lot of drama involving me attempting to get a fridge back into my house and a lot of time just being mom.

Now here we are, the last day before the end of the month and life hasn't slowed down even slightly. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at a jazz orchestra rehearsal. My youngest son has been a part of this audition only group for two years so for two years, I've lost about 8 hours each day getting him here and back...as well as the rehearsal time. He loves it and I love sitting in, even if it takes away from other things I could be...and maybe should be doing.

So, here we are and I'm trying to sort through the stuff in my head. Thank goodness I have all of you to talk to about things! It really does help me work through them.

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Nope, let's back up. On Monday, I took myself off to a hotel for an overnight stay. My water heater has decided it doesn't like hot water anymore and with the appointment coming up, I needed a night away and a long, hot shower. Best decision I've made in a while. Thank goodness for tiny tax returns which let me do that. I got to relax and rest up which I badly needed.

Then, yesterday, I went to see a plastic surgeon. If you know me, you know I have huge boobs. You'll also know that I'd rather not, but I'd never have plastic surgery for vanity's sake. They're causing me issues. My collar bone hurts a lot of the time. I never have straight shoulders. I'm always hunched over because of them. Boobs weigh a lot, guys. So, after my doctor asking me about it for over five years, I decided it was time. It took me almost 5 months to get this appointment.

The doctor was super nice, but basically laid it out that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it pre-surgery. If I do the surgery first and then lose the weight, the boobs will sag, and he doesn't think I'd be happy with them. The reality is that they beyond sag now and they're not close to symmetrical. Still, if I'm going to go through all of this, I do want to look down and be happy afterwards.

I left the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I wasn't hurt or upset by anything that he said. He couldn't have been nicer. He told me that if I wanted to go ahead now, he would do the full exam and proceed. He also suggested, that if I wanted, I could come back in six months and we could reevaluate everything. That would give me time to work on losing weight if that's what I wanted to do. If, at that point, I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be yet, we could put it off another three to six months.

I sat and cried because I'm so angry with myself that I've allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where I've gotten to the weight I am. I'm frustrated because I've dug myself into this deep hole between my health, weight, and house. I'm overwhelmed. I look around and don't know quite how to dig myself out. On top of everything, DHS took my projected income form for this year (which they required me to predict and which I am nowhere near making at this point) and cut my food stamps down to less than $300 a month for three of us. Luckily, Ben is off at school and Roger is busy with school and work and music, so isn't at my house all of the time.

Still, I have no idea how to feed even just me in a super healthy way with that amount of money. I'm sure it's not impossible and I'll just have to be incredibly careful about what I do buy. I'll have to tightly meal plan and stick with it.

I want to do this. I know I can do this. I'm also completely overwhelmed. I don't really know where to start. No, that's not true either! I'm full of arguing with myself tonight. I guess here's the tiny baby plan as much as it is:

1. Start logging calories using My Fitness Pal. Not so much trying to keep within what it's saying but logging so I can see where the problems may be.
2. Take the last bit of my tax return and order some glass water bottles for the fridge. I may not have hot water, but I do have water and a filter for the kitchen tap. This will allow me to not have to buy water and save a bit of money there while at the same time having a healthy drink option in the house.
3. Start talking with my tiny Facebook weight loss group about things. Support is super important.
4. Continue taking my medication. Last night I started back on a half dose of my anti-depressant and a full dose of my blood pressure medication.

Hmm...I guess it really is a tiny baby plan. That's all I've got right now.  I have six months to see how far I can get. I'm stuck without much exercise right now because I can't safely get out of the house and walk, but maybe in another month or two I can add that in. I do have a Fitbit, even if the rubber band causes my skin to react. Perhaps for my birthday (in 6 months), I can ask for a leather band for it to help alleviate that problem. If I can make some changes around the house, maybe I can start walking from one side to the other...I figure it'll only take a few hundred trips to make a mile..heh...

For now though, it's one baby step at a time. If anyone knows of some low impact exercises I can do at home that don't require a lot of space, please let me know! I'm still getting over a sprained ankle and what I suspect is a pinched nerve in my elbow, but I'm willing to try new things.

Take care of all of you!

Current Weight: 313.5
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 1

Riding the Edge

Link to book below post.

It's been a while. I know. Maybe I'm writing just to myself. It's possible and that's okay. I'm here today because I need to be here. I need to lay everything out and maybe it will start coming together for me.

It's been about two weeks now since we dropped Ben off at school. I always knew that I'd be one of those moms who cried when she did that. I wasn't wrong. Walking away from him broke my heart. He was crying and trying to be so brave. We both knew it was the right decision, but in that moment, I think we both just wanted to go home. He has done really well though. I think the independence while knowing we're only a little ways away has been good for him.

Meanwhile, his brother is going through college auditions and about to turn 18 in just a couple of days. I'm struggling with that too. I so badly want for him to get into the school that he really wants. I want what I never had, a chance to follow his dreams.

Here at home things could be going better. The fridge broke last weekend and it's taken me a week to get it just about cleaned out. I have one more bag to go and it'll only be a small bag...like grocery bag size. The rest of the house is a total tip because I just can't seem to find the balance of home, work, kids, mental health, and everything else. I had a trip planned to a convention in March. I may have written about it. I was so proud to be granted a pro badge. Now, because of the fridge, I won't be going. The money for my plane ticket has to go to getting a fridge. I mean, we can't live on crackers and crunch n munch forever, right?

I keep trying to find the bright spots...like hey, now I really will be able to get a fresh start on food. Then, the voice pops into my head reminding me that my foodstamps were cut because of Ben working. For every positive voice, there are five negative ones drowning it out. Even my sense of humor that usually gets me through these spots is eerily quiet. Perhaps it's because I posted asking people to help and nobody answered. Meanwhile, the wife of one of my closest posted a $2000 fundraiser to get her dog's broken leg sorted and they've raised nearly $1500, I think. Look, I know I can live without a fridge and the pup's leg really needs to be cared for but it's the perfect thing for the negatives to latch onto. It's easy for them to say...hey look, you don't matter. Nobody wants to help you.

I look around and think how alone it makes me feel, that nobody will send me $5 but they'll send someone else art supplies so they can do a bullet journal. I don't know. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and that it won't help anything, but I'm really struggling to shut it down. Do you know what's the worst part maybe? It's that voice...the one that sounds suspiciously like my mother...saying that I'm whining, that none of this matters, that my feelings don't matter, and that I'm being the weak, useless person that she always knew I was.

That's bullshit. It really is. I am stronger than she ever knew. I've gone through more than a lot and I've survived. I'm still surviving. Is it ideal? Hell no. It's pretty crappy actually, but I'm still here. So...here's the thing...I'm going to put this out there. I need to put it out somewhere...and here is as good as anywhere, perhaps better...because on some level, it's safe. Nobody will read this here.

I'm broke. Hell, I'm beyond broke. If it weren't for a good friend helping me out, I'd be sleeping on a park bench somewhere. The fridge broke and while it will get replaced, knowing that part of the hold up is the fact that my kitchen is beyond ugh is dragging me down. I can hear people saying, "Well why don't you just clean it up? Then you could have a new to you fridge and it'd be better." Except, it's ever quite that easy, is it? I've managed to slowly empty the fridge but every time I look at the dining alcove, I freeze. I can't seem to do a thing about it. Honestly, I could probably put a trash bag into the can (which is also busted, by the way), grab the snow shovel, and just shovel it all away...and weep with every scoop because all of that...it's like seeing a million failures right in front of my eyes. It's every negative screaming at me and it leaves me frozen. I had someone who was going to come help me, someone who tries very hard to understand, and doesn't judge me, but first it was car trouble, then weather...and so I'm on my own...and I'm afraid that my own just isn't good enough.

And only getting colder!

Then, there's the weather. Winter in Michigan can really suck but up until a week or so ago, it wasn't bad and I was really thankful for that. Why? The furnace decided to stop working. I can hear the voices again.. "Just call the landlord and get her to fix or replace it for you." Except...I can't. We all know that I can't. If I can't get strangers in to haul away a busted fridge and put a different one in because of the condition of things, there's no way that I can get someone who will report back to the landlord. To fix the furnace, the kitchen, living room, and laundry room have to be cleaned from top to bottom. It feels impossible...and we're about to go into a week of possibly record breaking cold. I have a small space heater and the oven running 24/7 when I'm home. Right now, it's 61 in here. I can live with that. This week? I don't know how cold it might get in here. I'll be having to go out quite a bit which is good and bad. Good because the car's heat works and I'll be going heated places. Bad because I'll have to turn everything off and the house temp drops fast. I've seen it drop 5-7 degrees in just a couple of hours.

I guess you can probably see where this is going right? I need money and I need it like yesterday. I don't have it because the reality is that with my mental health issues, I can't work outside of the house. I got a letter from DHS yesterday saying that I have to either start working 80 hours a month or volunteering 80 hours a month or taking some kind of classes. I do work. I proofread and edit books and stories for other people. I don't make $600/mo doing it though and that's how much I have to make to keep them off my back. I'm good at what I do and my clients are happy, but I don't have 20 comic clients putting out a book each month. Comics and books take time to create. As for my own books, I haven't received a single royalty payment in almost two years. I don't know if the books aren't selling at all or just not enough to bother sending me the change.

I've considered setting up a Patreon where for $5/mo, you could get early viewing on a story that will later go into an anthology. I'd do two different ones...one for children's stories and one for erotica. I have a Ko-Fi now. Actually, I've had it for months and months but not one single person has ever used it. I get it. People want to get something for their money, which is why I think maybe Patreon might be a better choice. I don't know that people would sign up there either though.

That wouldn't be enough, but it would be something. I talked to one of my clients today and he told me that he would have 5-10 books for me in 2019. At the rate he pays me, that's either not even one month or possibly 2.5 in an entire year. Clearly that won't work. I love his books and working with him and I'm not going to stop. I'm just saying that it isn't enough to get to where I need to be. I either need to be doing 4-6 books a month proofreading or some combination of things...proofreading novels, proofreading comics, Patreon, Ko-Fi...my own books starting to bring in some funds.

I do have a plan to take down my erotica stories that are also listed with the other ones in their series and then properly format the series and put those up on Amazon. There's no reason to have the individual smaller ones up by themselves. I'm planning on listing the series ones at 99c. They aren't long, more like a bedtime story but I hope worth the 99c. They won't make me millions but even $10/mo would help.

There is one other option and it's one that I'm going to have to do and hope that it goes well. I have the opportunity to apply for a ghostwriter's position. If I got it, I'd be writing mm romance/erotica of various types. It pays pretty well and with one thing would fix this problem. Here are the voices again, "If you knew it would solve this, why haven't you done it? Oh wait, because you're probably going to fail and then what?" Ugh. It's not just that. I could fail. I could fail and then still be screwed. Or, I could be decent at it, get hired, and then with my struggles to balance everything, it could end up being the only thing I do. 2019 was supposed to be the year of finally defeating the hoarding monster and setting myself up for success in 2020. Here we are, less than a month in, and that's already going out the window and I don't know what to do about it.

So, there you go...I'm riding the edge. I'm riding the edge of just wanting to give up and wanting to fight for what it is that I truly want. I'm riding the edge of do I fight for my dreams or do I continue to settle and make do with what I *have* to do.  I'm really tired of settling or making do with what I have. This isn't the life that I want for myself. I want to write and I want to be successful at it. I want to help other authors make their books be as good as they can be before they're sent out into the world. I love what I do and I want to keep doing it. I don't know how, but even if I do this ghostwriting thing...and I don't see how I can not do it...I need to keep finding me. I can't lose myself in the horror that is poverty.

I don't know if people will help me and support me. I don't know if they'll follow me on Patreon or donate to me on Ko-Fi. I don't know if they'll go and spend 99c on an erotica story. I don't know, if I get that far, if they'll back me on Kickstarter. I honestly don't know. I've been burned quite a bit by people who say they'll hire me and then don't or industry people who say they'll start sending business my way but then don't...or worse, keep it for themselves. I do know though that there are a lot of people out there and I don't need a million, or even a thousand. I need just enough to bring in maybe $1000/mo for now. Why $1000 and not $600? Because it's time to stop making just enough and time to start making enough that I can invest back in myself, in my home, and in my future.

$1000 = 34 comic book proofreadings
$1000 = 5 50k word book proofreadings
$1000 = 200 Patreon supporters
$1000 = 225,000 words proofread
$1000 = 334 cups of coffee purchased through Ko-Fi

That seems like an awful lot, doesn't it? It's not impossible though, especially if there was a small income from my writing coming in as well. I really, really, really want to get the erotica stuff already on Amazon updated. I desperately want to get Nevermore finished and sent off to Nick. I want to get my publishing house name chosen and Tales from the Toy Store written and published. I have dreams. I need to make them happen.

I hope that I have the support to make them happen. I hope that people will recommend me when they hear of someone looking. I hope that when editor/proofreader friends have overflow, they'll send
it to me. I hope that people will enjoy my writing and be willing to buy it. I have a lot of hope and at the end of the day, that's really darned important.

Today, though I feel as if I'm standing on a crumbling foundation, though it'd be so easy to just quit, I'm choosing hope and I hope (see what I did there?) that all of you will stick with me through this never ending journey of ups and downs. It's a rocky path, but it's a path. If by some small chance you want to buy a book or buy me a cup of coffee to help keep me going, I've added links above. If not, that's okay. I just hope that you got something out of me doing a total brain/emotion dump out here. I know this post was really for me, but I always hope that there's someone out there who reads it and says, "Hey, yeah, I get this and maybe for this minute, I, too, can choose hope."

The book in the image above was found via a random Google image search and something about it spoke to me. It appears to be out of print, but if you're interested in learning more about it, check out its Amazon page.

Changes Have to Happen

This sounds brave, right?

I promised all of you an update after I'd seen the doctor so I'm back! It didn't even take me two weeks! I know you're as proud of me as I am about that.

The appointment actually went really well. I intentionally set it with the nurse practitioner because she's a bit more laid back than my doctor. I guess even a couple of months ago I had my suspicions that my results this year were going to be a problem.

I went in and the first thing she touched on, of all things, was my birth control. I swear that there isn't one that doesn't have some sort of issue. After three years, I went off the depo shot because that's the limit before studies have shown bone density loss. I went onto the patch because I really do need something that's more set it and forget it. It turns out that there's a higher chance of blood clots with it so I need to watch for swelling, redness, and warmth in my legs. Really, a girl cannot win with these things.

After that, she touched on my cholesterol levels. While they've always been high, they jumped about 50 point in this past year. That's not really good. We discussed the idea of putting me on meds while I worked on the diet side, but the risk calculator didn't put me at a high enough risk that she felt it was worth it.

I talked to her about how I'd already started making small changes...like not buying chips or cookies anymore and making soda a treat and not a regular thing. She seemed impressed that I'd already started working on things. I also talked to her about how I'd lost weight in the past (Does anyone remember my Mamavation days?) and how I'd done it. We came to the conclusion that accountability seems to really work for me. She suggested getting involved in something like Diet Bet, but I don't really have the extra funds available right now. I really appreciated how she talked about how she'd done it with her sister over the winter. I never felt lectured which was such a relief.

I got through my pap smear, talked to her about how I think my allergies are affecting my one eye (and got something to try out for a couple of weeks to see if it helps), and came away with a reminder to schedule my mammogram and they're going to work on finding a surgeon that accepts my insurance (another issue for another post).

So, to recap. No leukemia. No liver failure. I'm not dying but I do have to make some diet and life changes.

The other day, I talked about some of the first steps in this process. Today, those steps seem so much more important because two people that I've known through my time in the comics industry have died in the past two days. Both of them had weight issues and while I don't know if those issues played a role in their deaths, I know that they probably didn't help.

I'm taking today to work on a meal plan for this coming week and to make a list of tools that I'm going to need to help. I know for sure that I need a new scale. My old one broke ages ago and while I have no intention of becoming obsessive about weighing in, I do need to do it about once a week to mark my progress. I'm also going to need a few things in the kitchen.

Remember how I mentioned accountability earlier? One of my friends and I have started a support group on Facebook. It's going to be a place where we can support each other, share tips, share recipes, and ask questions. It's all about working together for all of us to get healthier. If you'd like to join, you can find it at Welcoming Weight Loss. I'm also going to work on posting here more often and at the bottom of the posts, bringing back:

Previous Weight:
Current Weight:
Change in Weight:
Average Water Consumption:

It's going to take a while to build these habits, but every journey starts with a single step...or blog post.

Decisions...Decisions...

Well, it's been about a month and here we are again. How are you, my friends? I sometimes wonder who the people are who read these posts when I write them. I suspect some of you are folks that I know and some of you are strangers who have wandered across this little blog. Whoever you are, I'm glad you're here. I really and truly am.

I suppose that I ought to catch you up on the past month or so. As it always is when school starts, life gets crazy around here. It takes at least this long for schedules to start to balance out. Both of the boys are doing well for which I am grateful. There are still some communication issues with their father and stepmother but that will never change so I try to take it in stride and to not let it stress me out. It is what it is, so to speak.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I've had my ups and I've had my downs. That's life though, right? No matter how often we may wish for smooth sailing, life would get rather dull if there weren't the occasional dip or bump. Granted, dips and bumps aren't much of a big deal compared to mountains and valleys.

If you asked me right now how I'm doing, I'd say, "Oh, I'm okay." and for the most part that would be true. I wouldn't tell you how much I miss the man that I'm in love with or that his sudden dropping of possessives and terms of endearment is bothering me, even though I'm sure it's absolutely nothing. I wouldn't tell you about how I just offered something pretty big to one of my staff members just to be told that he's decided to launch his own site and how devastated I am by that. I'd just smile and say, "Oh, I'm okay."  I don't know why that is or if it really matters. It's just something that crossed my mind right now.

But, this post is entitled Decisions...Decisions... and I've not talked once about any decisions, have I? I guess I ought to do that or this whole post will seem a bit wonky.

Decision #1: Mental Medication - This one is a huge one and one I've discussed here before. With the start of school and knowing I had a trip coming up, I put off this decision. The gaps in my memory have made the decision for me. I just spent time with the man that I'm in love with and I can't clearly remember our conversations and that really isn't acceptable to me. As if that's not bad enough, I think something and 10 seconds later, I can't remember what I was just thinking. I'm going back on the medication and I pray to god that it's worth it.

Decision #2: Girly Medication - A couple of months ago, at my annual checkup, the nurse practitioner mentioned that I should consider an alternate form of birth control. It seems that long term studies have shown that using Depo Provera for over 2-3 years can cause bone loss. However, going off of it for a year can reverse that. I'm now at 2 years and 2 months. It's time to make this decision. As much as it sucks, I've decided to do 1, possibly 2 more shots and then switch over to the patch. Why does this suck? On the Depo, I don't have a period, just some spotting. On the patch, I had a full out period. Gross, but I'd rather that then brittle bones, I do suppose.

Decision #3: NaNoWriMo 2017 - As some of you may know, I participated in this last year and completed it. Even though there multiple near panic attacks, I took myself out to the "local" group's activities and write ins. Being away from my home office really helped me buckle down and focus. Things got done. However, I never really felt totally welcome within the group. In fact, my second (I think) time with them, I actually got pulled aside and lectured by the one group leader about being mean to someone else who was there. Let me make this clear, I wasn't being mean. The person in question was a stay at home mom whose kids were young. I made a statement that if my kids were little still, I think writing would be easier for me. Notice those last two words...for me. I was and am a stay at home mom for the most part. When my boys were little, I was so much more productive than I am now..partially because my mental health was better and partially because we were home and not running all over creation due to sports and band and everything else that they do. I think this woman getting hurt (as in literally crying to the group leader) caused the group leader to have an issue with me even though it was a misunderstanding. She never made me feel welcome after that. Luckily, the other group leader did and that combined with how much I was getting done led me to attending other events. Now, on the near eve of everything starting up again (first workshop is in 3 days), I'm stuck on trying to decide if I attend or don't attend. I have book 2 in the works and if I could convince Nick to give me one more month, this would be the perfect time for cleaning it up and really making sure it is what it should be. Argh..I just don't know. I wish that there were a group closer that I could try out to see if it would be a good fit.

I guess those are the big ones right now. I'm still working on balancing mom life, reclaiming my house, and writing the book, but I feel as if I'm making progress in those areas. I keep telling myself that baby steps are better than no steps at all and there was a point where I wasn't making even those.

I'm going to close out this post now..not because I'm done writing because I'm never done writing, but because it's time for me to head into town to see my kids, to run the gaming group, to attend a new local writer's group, and then a parent's meeting for those with kids graduating this year. Sometimes I think my life begins at 2pm.

Before I go though, I want to say thank you for those who come here and read. I know it seems such a little thing but when I see the number of you who do, it helps me to know that I'm not alone in this great bit world. I have my boys, I have my man, and I have all of you. Take care of yourselves...

Where do we go from here?

Hi all! It's been a really rocky couple of weeks but the depression is lifting and I had a bit of a revelation the other day. I'm going to leave that for a post of its own though. Today I want to update everyone on where I am with things.

Let's start with the basic health stuff. I spent 2 phone calls and a total of about 40 minutes on the phone today with my insurance company. I had some questions and eventually, I got some answers. It just took 2 phone calls and 40 minutes..heh.. I'll save you 40 minutes and give you a quick rundown:
Mammogram: 3D mammograms are covered and I now have this scheduled for next week. I'm not excited but it needs to be done so I might as well get it done.

Therapy: I get 20 therapy visits per calendar year and that number resets on January 1st. It doesn't seem like a lot but I guess it does come out to about 2 per month. I'm still on the fence about going to therapy and what type I should pursue but it's good to know that it will be covered if I decide to seek it out. Of course, I did forget to find out if they have a provider listing. That's another call for another day, I guess.

Weight Loss: For the past couple of years, my doctor has wanted to send me to the local hospital to pursue the option of weight loss surgery. More and more lately, I've come to realize that I need some guidance and some accountability. I don't seem to be able to do it on my own. I've beat myself up over this time and time again. People say that I'm strong, etc but I can't seem to do this. Enough. Sometimes we all need help and I shouldn't feel any amount of shame for that. If you're someone who feels the need to shame me or anyone else, feel free to also find the door.

I was given quite a bit of information...my insurance will cover the surgery if I meet the following criteria:

• Co-morbid BMI of at least 40
• Having been in a medical weight management program for 6 months and to have lost 10% of my body weight in that 6 months. The program has to have been within the past 2 years.
• Documentation of having seen a dietary consultant.
• Documentation of having had a psychosocial evaluation.

The only medical weight management program that they'll cover is Weight Watchers. To get into that, I have to make an appointment with my doctor's office, go in, and have a special form filled out that I also have to sign saying that I'm committing to the program. Then:

• They'll review the form and if approved will send me a welcome packet that will tell me where and when the meetings are.
• I have to attend at least 10 meetings in a 12 week session.
• At the end of the 12 week session, I have to fax in a copy of my progress sheet and the weight loss record.
• If I've lost at least 5% of my body weight during that time and they approve it, I can then do another 12 week session.

If I go through both 12 week sessions, that will count as the 6 months in a weight management program. At that point, I could go to the hospital program which would cover the other criteria. I don't know that I want to have surgery and I know that it's not an immediate cure all. I'm actually glad that there are hoops that must be jumped through. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of summer with the boys and continue to work on the little changes like water intake and trying to make sure that I'm in bed and asleep by a certain time. I'm also considering making a medication change. As some of you know, I've been off my anti-depressants for about two years now. I'm very seriously considering going back on them for a set amount of time so that I can determine whether or not they help me. It's a decision that I'm putting a lot of thought into. 

I could keep writing but it's about time for me to get around and take my oldest son to work. If anyone has any information about the current Weight Watchers program, I would love to hear about it. 

Until next time...

Ugh...Allergies!

Ugh. Does anyone know when grass pollen season ends? We've been under a pollen warning for at least 2 months now. It wasn't too bad at first when it was tree pollen but now that grass pollen has been sitting at very high for weeks, I'm at my wit's end.

For those that don't know, I have some nasty allergies and it seems that this year they're worse than ever. Grass pollen is the biggest culprit and it's gotten to that point that I've doubled up my allergy meds and I'm still in tons of pain. Unfortunately for me, when my allergies act up, the left side of my sinuses swell and cause me intense pain in that area, my left eye, my left ear, and the left side of my jaw. It makes getting any accomplished nearly impossible. The only thing that helps it is to "drink" water constantly.

Why the quotes? Because I'm not actually swallowing right away. I hold it in the upper part of the left side of my mouth and almost float my sinuses. It relieves the pressure briefly but let me tell you, getting 64 ounces of water a day has been a breeze! It's insane the amount of water that I drink. I haven't been keeping track but I know it's 64 ounces or more every day.

I've also been really good about taking my medicine, two-thirds of which is allergy related. It helps or at least I'm hoping it's helping! Either way, I'm proud of being on top of those two things. I still need to get into the habit of wearing my fit bit and making sure I make those step goals. Hopefully the grass will stop making grass babies soon and I can get outside more. It's actually gotten so bad that we're ordering masks for me to wear (at least while at home).

So, I'm still here, I'm still slowly plugging away at this and I'm thankful for anyone who stops by and reads this. It's good for all of us to know that we're not alone in this pollen spewing universe.

Tired

Does anyone know what that is? It's the post-workout screen from the treadmill that I got on this morning, even though I had a great excuse why I shouldn't have to.

You see, I was woken up at 3:30 this morning by a bat. Yes, a bat. For some unknown reason, they get into my house and like to do loops around my living room. It's my job to get up and open the door for them so that they can go outside. Except this bat didn't want to go outside. My cat wanted to go outside. He's not supposed to go outside. So, after sitting on the porch/looking for the cat for about an hour and ten minutes, the cat decided he missed me and wanted me to pet him. Instead, I scooped his furry butt up, chewed him out and tried going back in the house...except I couldn't get the door to open. I'd closed the door because one of the other cats was considering going out and the dang bat had disappeared. I had to bang on the door until I woke Ben up to come help me get the door open. It'd swollen in the humidity. All ends well, right? Nope. Remember how I said the bat had disappeared? Well, it reappeared about 5am just when we were falling back to sleep. This time, one of the cats had got it and knocked it to the floor where him and another cat were kindly poking at it. So, it was making that god awful chittering noise that they do when they're not happy. I got up, locked the culprit cat from earlier in the bathroom, opened the door, grabbed the broom, pushed the poor bat outside, slammed the door and attempted to get a couple of hours sleep before we had to get up and on the road this morning.

Yep, great excuse, huh? I didn't take it though. I climbed both flights of steps (god, I cannot wait until those don't leave me winded), double checked that the emergency stop thing was firmly where it belonged, put in my earbuds (does anyone else have trouble keeping those in their ears or do I just have mutant ears?), turned on some music and started walking. My goal was .75 miles but when I got there, I decided I could do just a little bit more. I'm proud of that .85. I moved up to half of that being at 2.2 mph and the other half being at 2.3. Yes, that's still considered a slow walk but considering that back in the Spring I started at 1.8 mph, I'm making good progress in that area. I'm happy to report that my knee is feeling just fine. No permanent damage done by the emergency stop incident of Monday.

Speaking of that, I had a couple of people comment that I need to take it easy, listen to my body, not push too hard, etc. I want to reassure all of you that I'm not pushing too hard. I may not even be pushing hard enough, but I'm testing myself right now and each time I get on the treadmill, my goal is to go a little bit faster or a little bit further. By little bit, I mean like bumping up the speed by .01 mph or going .10 mile further. My goal for Friday? To do the same distance but this time with more of it at the 2.3mph. That's it. A tiny change. I'm starting to believe that maybe I can do this and it would help a ton if others believed in me too.

Let's see...what else? I've tracked my food since Monday and while it's not the healthiest of diets (that will come), I've been under the calorie amount that the app says both days. I'm hoping to stop by my doctor's office tomorrow and if that happens, I'm going to ask to use their digital scale. I tried to use the old fashioned one in the weight room today and it has me 12 pounds less than when I went to urgent care less than 2 months ago. It's possible that it's right but I want to be sure. If it is, I'll adjust things in the app and keep going.

Thank you to those who have sent me messages telling me that you're proud of me. I don't need them but they certainly don't hurt and they make me smile. For ages people have told me to stop focusing so much on taking care of other people, pushing their things, and to focus more on me, what's right for me, my health, my writing, etc. I'm trying to do that and it's really great having friends alongside cheering me on.

Steps...

Long time no write and I don't feel a lick guilty about it. It's been a busy month and the past two weeks have found me taking more steps than I thought I was ready for. Still, life doesn't wait for you to take the steps. You have to take that deep breath (or ten) and put one foot in front of another.

I haven't done this alone. As I take each step I seem to find someone who steps up beside me and tells me that they believe in me and that I've got this.

It started with Nick. He looked me in the eyes and asked me what was stopping me...that stuck with me for days after he asked. What was it that was stopping me? The answer, once I dug past all of the excuses, was simple. Fear. Fear is the only thing holding me back. As he would say, I was getting in my own way.

Then, it was Ben. Yep, my kiddo. He works in the community center three days a week and he made it clear to me that he expects me to be on that treadmill sometime during his one hour shift. It doesn't matter how long I'm on it, what matters to him is that I climbed those two flights of stairs and I got on there and I walked.

Today, it was Joel. Joel had a crappy childhood and suffers from some of the same issues I do. I texted him to tell him about my treadmill accident today and after making sure that I was okay (I am.I'll fill you in on what happened in just a bit.), we started talking about diet and food. We both have food issues. He encouraged me to start journaling what I eat each day. This is something that I've put off. Why? Fear. It always comes down to fear and the fact that I'm my own worst enemy and I was scared that if it were there in black and white, I would spend a lot of time beating myself over making bad choices. Joel told me today that he believes in Katie and her stubbornness. It made me smile and it also made me pause and think. I am horribly stubborn at times and I've been using that in the wrong direction or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've let my fears use it.

So, today I came home and I installed MyFitnessPal on my phone. Since I had to confirm my email, I spent some time on the laptop looking at the app, putting in all the information and then blinked at the screen at the number of calories I should be eating every day so that I lose about a pound each week. Then, I put in my little bit of walking and the few things I had eaten today.

...We're going to tangent just for a minute, then I promise I'll get back to the app....

I have three food modes. The first is where I barely eat. Today was one of those days. The second is where I can't seem to stop eating. The third is where I eat normally. There's not always a rhyme or reason why any day is what it is.

.......

And we're back! So, I put in the 3 food items that I ate today and discovered that I'm still 1818 calories short for the day. That seems like a heck of a lot and I'll be honest, I'm not going to make an attempt at forcing them in. I'm going to eat dinner, enter that, and see where I'm at. This is going to be a learning tool so that I can see what's worth what and what my tendencies are. I need a brain change. Instead of looking at things as if it's not enough or I'm failing, I need to look at it as if I'm teaching myself what's okay and what's not okay. It's not something I grew up learning and as Nick would tell me, it's time I put my big brain to work for me.

So, what are these steps?

1. Three days a week, I'm going to get on the treadmill where Ben works.
2. I'm going to go back to watching my water intake (time to kill that whole chronic dehydration thing.
3. I'm going to track my food intake and see where I can make changes.
4. I'm going to continue menu planning and working on sticking with it.
5. When the weather isn't trying to kill us and Roger is here, we're going to walk around the village pokemon hunting.

There's nothing so big there that I can't do it and even if it takes time to gather data and make additional changes, these steps are pointing me in the right direction.

Oh! I almost forgot. I promised to tell you about my treadmill accident...

Today, I climbed up onto the treadmill, set my pace (I'm working at about a 2.1 right now, built up from 1.8) and started walking. Here's where the fun began. Have you ever seen those stop sign shaped things with the clip attached to them that are usually by the actual stop button? Well, as I'm walking, the clip is swinging and it must have snagged on me somehow because the next thing I know, the treadmill has come to a dead stop and I nearly face plant into the front of it. Turns out that's the emergency stop magnet and when it comes off, everything stops. Sadly, my leg hadn't stopped and I wrenched my knee.  It didn't seem too bad so I put the magnet back, made sure it wasn't going anywhere and walked another .55 miles (in addition to my whopping .04) before I decided the knee was getting worse and tightening up so I quit, stood there with sweat dripping off me (did I mention the weight room isn't air conditioned?) and talked to Ben for a minute before working my way back down those two blasted sets of stairs to relax for while in the air conditioning until Ben got done with work. As of right now, it's sore but I suspect that by Wednesday it's going to be okay enough to get back on there and see if I can't get up to an average speed of 2.2 (2.5 is considered a leisurely pace so I'm still on the moving slow side) and go a bit longer.

See? I have goals! What a crazy feeling..I'm taking control back. I'm stepping out of my self created prison and I'm moving forward...one step at a time..or in today's case, one limp at a t

Ripples Make Waves

I totally confess to stealing this title from Nick. He's been saying it to me all week and now it's just plain stuck in my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how accurate it is because I haven't had time to do the scientific research behind it, but no matter, it sounds good and motivational, right?

Still, while I don't know about how this actually works in water, I do know how this works in life. I've seen it in my own life. Clean a section of counter and the next thing you know, the entire counter is clean. Counter clean? Next thing you know, so is the stove... it starts with one small thing and you just keep going with it.

So, after talking with Nick about what he's doing (I'm so lucky he's one of my nearest and dearest people on this planet) and then reading his blog post about it, I decided this could be the thing that I need to help kick start me into gear. I suppose that it doesn't hurt that I have a competitive streak and every day when Nick posts his results, I have two reactions. The first? I'm thrilled for him and proud of him for the work that he's putting in. The second? I'm pretty sure I nearly growl to see him outdoing me. Seriously.

Here's the thing though. I know that Nick and I are in two different spots on this journey. Don't tell him this, but he's not even grossly overweight. Me? I'm beyond grossly overweight. I'm at the "at risk" and beyond section of the chart. He's also already getting in some movement at work and such. My movement is to the couch where I sit and work. There's no need for me to do more than that for me to get my work accomplished. So, honestly, there's no comparison. We're starting at different points...still, seeing his numbers pushes me to get my numbers done. I have no idea what his actual step count goal is for each day, but I know he said he's been making it. I do know what mine is and in the 4 days that I've been walking, I've made it once.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to celebrate every single day's number. Why? Because a week ago, I was getting maybe a few hundred steps in a day. This week, I've gotten outside at least once a day for a walk and my numbers have looked like this:

Monday: 1,645 steps
Tuesday: 4,426 steps
Wednesday: 2,525 steps
Thursday: 2,070 steps (so far)

That's huge. It really is. Even today when I woke up feeling blech due to sinus drainage, I got up, I got dressed and I went for my walk. It was good. I do think I'm going to have to find some podcasts or something to listen to though. This is a small village and seeing the same things every day isn't keeping my attention. I can do that though.  I can do this. I am doing this.

Next week when I go see Dr. Chermak, I hope I can see the results. I don't have a scale here at home anymore since my last one broke and I haven't had the money to replace it. So, for now, I'm reliant on the doctor's office scale. If nothing else, it will give me a starting point number. Still, I want to show her that she was wrong. I can do this without surgical intervention or putting myself on some sort of liquid diet. I can do this. I can get outside and walk and when the weather turns too icky for that, I can put in a dvd and do that. Right now, I'm making ripples...tiny changes...but those tiny changes can change my life if I let them.

Starting Over... Again

I've lost track of how many times I've started and stopped this dang blog and taking care of myself. Honest to goodness. I don't even have a clue now. I swear that I write a post and suddenly nearly a year zips by and here I am again.

Now, here's the part where I tell you this time will be different..yada yada yada.. but the truth is, it may not be. Of course, it may also be. Who knows, right? A lot has changed for me over the past few years and I haven't really told anyone this, but my doctor is really on my case about my weight. I have to go back and see her in about two months and I know that she's going to ask me if I went to the weight loss clinic (which I have no intention of really going to because the want to shove a liquid diet in my face and prepare me for surgery). The reality is that I know I can do this on my own. I don't need a liquid diet or fancy surgeries. I need to deal with the core of my issues, why I eat and why I eat what I eat.

I need to take care of me and this is the area that keeps coming to mind. You see, every year, on my birthday, I choose a goal to work on for the following year. I've done mental health, physical health (namely the issues with my sinuses) and other things. There is only one real criteria. They have to be specifically for me. They're not allowed to be about anyone else, not even the boys. This year, I've been going round and round with two things and my weight is one of them. The other is my dental health. I have terrible teeth. I always have and on top of that, as part of my omg I'm overwhelmed by life thing, I got out of the habit of taking care of them.

So, this year, I've decided to be a bit of an overachiever, and yet, they all tie into each other. Here's the other thing..other than here and at Life With Katie, I don't really intend on posting about this or even talking about it. I'm doing this for me and any posts about it will be done for me. That probably sounds more selfish than I usually am or perhaps as if I don't feel as if I need support. I can't really comment on the first one other than to say well yes...but that's the point of this. To "selfishly" do something for me. As for the second point? Well, here's the thing..writing tons of posts here is great and I will always welcome and appreciate any comments, but I am truly blessed right now with some great people in my life and I know that if I need them, I can turn to them.

Now...I've mentioned multiple goals and I'm going to lay them out here, even though only one is really specific to this blog...

1. Weight Loss - I currently weigh in at approximately 310 pounds. I'm not going to put a number goal on an entire year, but I'd like to get down to where I have more energy and I'm generally healthier again.

2. Dental Health - Taking better daily care of my teeth and then getting myself to the dentist for help with the rest, even if I am terrified and I know it's not going to be pretty.

3. Taking Better Care of Me - This is #1 and #2 combined as well as little things like finding a way to get a hair cut when I need one, taking time to relax with a game or a book or whatever fits my fancy, and who knows, maybe even bringing back Time for Me Thursday for the other site. I just need to take better care of me...This also includes continuing to work on my over thinking/over worrying/over stressing issues.

4. Creating a Home - Last but just as important as the others is the continued work on my house. In the past month, I've hauled out a ton of trash and almost as much to donate to Goodwill. I want to continue on that path until I have a home that I'm proud of and don't mind inviting people over to. I want to get it to the point where if Phil comes around, we don't have to go to a hotel unless that's what we want to do. I want the boys and I to be able to both use and relax in the space.

There we go. My four goals for the coming year. Technically my birthday isn't until September 23rd, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason to wait. Instead, I'm starting with this post. Pretty soon I'll write up one for the other site, but for now, this is going to be our little secret...me and anyone who may wander across this post.

For tonight, I'm starting with all of the goals in a really simple manner. I'm going to go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and while I'm in there, I'm going to clean the mirror. If I do some little thing every time I walk in there, the room will be looking fantastic in no time and it will make me smile to walk in there. Smiling when I walk in there will lead to a more relaxed, happier me. Sometimes everything feeds into some other thing.

Dear Tony...

Dear Tony,

You don't really know me. We've only spoken once or twice. You're probably not even sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I'm writing it because I think you understand. You get it and because you get it, I feel as if I can open up and share things with you that others won't understand.

Tony, I weigh 310 pounds. I wasn't always this way. When I was a child, I was the one that everyone said would never gain weight. I would always be skinny. Then, I started to gain weight. By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 180 pounds. I was made fun of because of that and because most times I had to wear the same pair of jeans more than one day a week to school. My family didn't have a lot of money and I was being raised by my grandparents who had grown up during the depression. I never told anyone about the anonymous notes left in my locker or even in my mailbox at home. I was never athletic, I didn't snack but I didn't turn down second helpings either.

When I went to college, I developed an eating disorder. I barely ate. I don't believe that I did it for looks. I did it because it was tied in with the mental health issues that I wouldn't have an official diagnosis for until I was 37 and said enough is enough. I didn't mind not eating though because soon, my clothes fit better and I believed the lies that my mind told me that skinnier was healthier. Before I went home after my freshman year, I was down from a size 16 to a size 12 and I loved how I looked. I mourned the weight that went back on because at home, I couldn't not eat.

By the time I dropped out of college halfway through the next year, I'd lost all that weight again. I'd also ended up in the emergency room for what was later ruled nothing more than a stress attack. Fast forward a year and now I'm 20...I skipped periods, gained massive amounts of weight (I went up 3 to 4 clothing sizes over a few months) and had other issues. My doctor sent me to an ob/gyn who took one look at me and said you're obese, this is why this has happened. She never listened to a word that I said. It wouldn't be until I was 38 that I would be diagnosed with PCOS.

Three pregnancies (the first leading to a miscarriage at 17 weeks), a divorce and what feels like a lifetime later, here I am at 310 pounds. I always swore I'd never break that 300 barrier, but I have and I'm scared. I know that I need help but I really and truly cannot afford it. You see, my oldest son has cerebral palsy and I've been diagnosed as Bipolar 2. Both of those have prevented me from finding a job outside of the house. I do some editing when jobs come up, but let's just say money is tight and there is no wiggle room. I don't go to Starbucks or order pizza. I drive a car that's older than my oldest and he's 14, nearly 15.

However, for the first time, I'm not using these as excuses. Yes, I get food stamps. No, it's not really enough to feed our family, but I do my best to find sales and I'm making changes to healthier options. Last night, I made a weight watchers recipe for tortellini and it called for adding a bag of frozen stir fry veggies to it. I'd never even thought of that as an option! It was delicious and I felt good that what I was making was healthier than pizza rolls or some other processed food option. I can't afford a gym membership, but I can walk around my village. (Yes, villages do still exist.) It will get cold soon, and I expect I'll have to switch to workout videos, but I have some and I have a way to play them. Some people don't have that.

I am also blessed that I have friends who have done this, who are doing this, or who are just plain awesome so that on the days when I'm struggling and feeling like this is impossible (which my doctor pretty much told me that it was and that I should consider surgery), I can reach out and they'll either encourage me, kick me in the butt or do both. I'm making small changes that will last a lifetime. I can do this. I won't have my children left without a mother or my future grandchildren left  without a grandmother to spoil them and love them. I won't be the person whose early death is being mourned, like someone else I know who recently died due to obesity. He was only 30.

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this...and I want to say thank you. Thank you for your posts about yourself. Thank you for being a cheerleader in the fight against obesity. Thank you for helping people get past excuse hell to what the hell was I waiting for. Thank you for being you.

Fear

Fear is something that we all face at some point or another in our lives. For some of us, it's something that never seems to go away. For others, it's a flash in the pan, a blip on the radar and as fast as it was there, it's gone. For most of us, we land somewhere smack dab in the middle.

I was talking with a friend the other day, about something that had nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with my life and suddenly I realized that I've been living in complete and total fear. It's been with me for so long that I no longer even acknowledge its presence, but bring up something that the fear has been masking and woah boy, there it is, rearing up its head and looking around at who to bite. Yep, fear not only has a tight grip, but it has a poison bite, the kind that can paralyze a person.

It's paralyzed me for so long that I no longer realized that I was no longer moving. I've been saying for months that I want to lose weight and yet, what have I really done about it? Sure, my water intake has increased..sometimes. Sure, I've eaten better...sometimes. I've grown frustrated with feeling stuck. It wasn't until that conversation that I realized that not only was I experiencing fear in that area, but I'm also experiencing it when it comes to my body. That fear has held me captive and until I handle it, I won't be able to move forward.

So, what am I afraid of? That's the bottom line, right? If I know what I'm afraid of, I can figure out a way to deal with it so I can move on. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I discovered that I have a whole list of fears when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to list them and then maybe we can talk about possibilities after...Ready? Here we go.

• I'm afraid to fail at losing weight.
• I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm going to die at a young age or develop serious health problems.
• I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm setting a horrible example for my children and one of them struggles with his weight already.
• I'm afraid that losing weight won't change how people see me. 
• I'm afraid that if I lose weight, my self-esteem will drop even further because I'll still be invisible or everyone's friend.
• I'm afraid if I lose weight, I'll be more vulnerable..that I won't have my weight to use as an excuse anymore.

Lots of fears there and I can already hear some of you telling me that I need to lose the weight for myself, that I need to love myself and believe myself and all of that. Yep, I know all of that. I don't need anyone to tell me that. Knowing something may be half the battle, but the other half is knowing how to deal with that knowledge. I've spent most of my life feeling as if nobody wants me. I've hid behind my weight. When you're fat and guys aren't interested in you or people tell you that you would never come across as sexy, part of you can shrug and say well yeah, it's because I'm fat.

So, what happens if I lose weight and get down to that magical number that everyone thinks I should be at and nothing changes? That's one of the fears that I'm facing. It's something that I've given myself one or two stern lectures over. I'm still that little lost girl sometimes..the one that just wants to hear that she's beautiful and who gets a piece of the attention instead of being lost in the background. That's who I am and that's something that I will probably spend a long time working on. That's okay. It's who I am right now and I'm healing. I'm rebuilding. 

Acceptance is important when it comes to fears. Let me clarify that. It's not important that you accept your fears, but it is important that you accept yourself for who you are right now. After all, that's the person that you have to deal with as you face your fears and as you continue to grow into a better version of yourself. 

Remember how we talked about bottom lines above? Well, here's the true bottom line for me. Which set of fears is more important? Set A, without a doubt. I cannot live a life and be the best mother that I can be at the weight that I currently am. I cannot teach my children how to nurture their bodies and to be the best people they can be if I'm not doing that myself. Yes, I'm still afraid that I could lose 100 pounds and walk into a room and nobody notice. It wasn't so long ago that I sat in a room listening to someone talk about how far they had come with their weight and had forgotten my own struggle. 

That's all okay though because at the end of the day, a journey isn't really a journey without some struggle thrown in. I think it's called a walk in the park, maybe a quiet stroll.  My journey involves mountains, rivers and sometimes even international borders without a passport. I just need to know that I can do anything if I can just tell my fears to go take a hike while I hike in the other direction. 

Now, before I go, I want to talk about one other fear that I have. It's the fear of asking for help. I was raised to be the person who took care of everyone else and it was made clear that my own needs weren't all that important. Even though I'm an adult now, I still haven't gotten past that fear that if I reach out to someone, I'm going to be slapped down. That's a fear that I want to tackle and I'm going to ask all of you for your help. I don't care if you've lost 5 pounds, 100 pounds or gained 10. If you have any tips or advice that you can share, please do so. Maybe you found an awesome recipe last week or you're trying a new workout program. If so, drop me a comment. The great thing about support is that if given, it's also so often received in return. I know some who have lost amazing amounts of weight and I'm going to try to step outside of my comfort zone and nudge them for some advice, especially on those days where I'm just stuck. There's absolutely nothing so wonderful as a pep talk from a friend, right? Right.

So here we go again. I have no idea what I weigh and I don't plan on stepping on the scale tonight. What I do plan on doing is taking those fears one at a time and giving myself the needed love to conquer them as I focus on what changes I can make to become the person that I deep down, really want to be.

Sleep well, my friends...

Two Kinds of People

I haven't posted here in a while. On February 28th, I had sinus and tonsil surgery and it left me pretty pathetic. I managed to lose 13 pounds and gain 10 of it back. I've been struggling emotionally with being so isolated and it's led to me choosing to just shove food in my mouth at every turn to try to shove down the feelings of being so alone. Due to finances, I'm missing out on every event that would normally put me in contact with my friends. On top of that, my best friend on the planet is going through his own struggles and has basically said that he isn't ready to have me (or anyone) around as much as I would be if I came to see him. It hurts but I understand.

So, where does that leave me? Alone and with too much time on my hands to be spent thinking. One of the things I've thought about is weight loss and how when people do manage to lose large amounts of weight, they seem to end up falling into one of two categories.

Category 1: I lost huge amounts of weight, look at me. These are the people who lost the weight and perhaps due to their ongoing insecurity, make it all about them, all the time. They post tons of pictures of themselves to social media. They don't hesitate to tell you that they lost the weight and just how much. In fact, sometimes it seems like that's all they talk about.

Category 2: I lost huge amounts of weight, let me help you. These are the people who lost the weight and because they know the struggle, the journey, the importance of support, they now want to help others who are on the same journey. They're the cheerleaders, the advice givers, the mentors...

My best friend..one of the people I love the most on this planet...has lost over 200 pounds in the past couple of years. I wish I could turn to him and ask him to help me, to be my support. I could really use someone like him in my corner right now because the truth is that I feel more than a little lost and like I don't know if I can do this. I know I need to do this. I know I want to do this, but I don't know how to do this. I'm scared.

Moving Slow

This week's post is brought to you by the letter S, the number 7 and this turtle. Why? Because this week was slow, there are 7 days in a week and he's just handsome. How could you deny him the desire to bring you a blog post?

This week was a tough week. I scheduled my sinus/tonsil surgery and along with that came a ton of anxiety that I wasn't expecting. I've come through other surgeries and took care of myself afterward just fine, so why should this one be any different? I'm guessing it's because the surgeon keeps telling me that I need someone with me until I'm enough off the pain meds that I can drive myself. She's shoved it hard into my head and knowing that I'm going to be alone, in a hotel room, now has my anxiety levels through the roof. With high anxiety came me not focusing on where I should have been.

I honestly have no idea how much I drank. Our pipes are still frozen, though thankfully, the bathroom sink seems to have partially thawed so we do have water again. It made it difficult which meant I didn't bother. My eating habits were..well, let's just say not so great though they were perhaps better than they might have been in the past.

I stepped onto the scale this morning, honestly inspecting a gain. I was pleasantly surprised at a teeny tiny loss..and when I say tiny, I really do mean tiny. However, I'll take it. It really serves as a good, strong reminder that even babysteps are better than no steps at all. I'm happy to report that I topped off my water bottle again this morning and have been drinking from it. I also made sure that I had breakfast again.

I've been told forever that skipping meals is bad so one of the changes that I've made is to make sure that I get in three meals every day. Last week, I did pretty good with that, but I did miss a few here and there. This week, I'm going to try to do better.

One thing that helps is that I now have my friend Rob backing me. Rob, who I hope to someday get to write a guest post here, has lost an amazing amount of weight and let me tell you folks, the man looks amazing now. I am beyond proud of him and having him in my corner helps a lot. He's one of the few people in my world that I know won't lie to me, even if it's going to suck beyond belief. Today, he told me that he believes I can do this. I know that if I feel stuck or frustrated, I can go to him and say argh! and he'll point me in the right direction...or knowing him, give me a big 'ol shove.

I've told myself and others that I can do this. I don't need fancy gadgets (not that I'd turn one down, but I can't afford them) or personal trainers or dieticians or anything like that. All I need is me and the will and desire to do this. That doesn't mean that I'm going to turn down any help I can get or that having a cheering section is a bad thing. Support is a major help in anything that we choose to do in life. I'm so glad to have those who are willing to say, "Hey, have you had your water today?" or "Hey, I'm so proud of you for not giving up." I'm even glad to have those that say, "Hey, stop slacking and get your ass in gear."

I may be a tiny turtle taking his very first slow steps in the world, but I'm taking those steps..

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: -4.6 pounds
Daily Water Average: ?????

Weekly goals:

• 2 bottles of water each day (48oz)
• Skating on Sunday (and if I'm insane, maybe Saturday too)

One Week Later...

Writing is hard when you're going through a depression. Actually, it's not...writing publically is hard. I wonder how long until people tell me to stop whining and get over it. I wonder a lot of things, actually. I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone cares. I wonder why I feel the need to use the word actually a lot...

Then, I tell myself to take a deep breath and just write. After all, I'm not trying to lose weight for anyone other than myself. Sure, I hope that people notice, but that's normal. I don't know a single person who has struggled for something and then despises that people noticed. In the end though, I'm doing this for me because I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to have people look at me and go oooh, look at her. I'm just as pretty as anyone else on this planet, after all.

I feel as if I ought to apologize because I can tell that this post is going to be disjointed. I guess that I'm assuming that someone out there will read this. So, if you're that someone, I do apologize. Depressions are tough for me and right now, I'm smack in the middle of one. I described it this morning as being full of a lot of sad. I'm sad that someone I love doesn't seem to want our friendship right now. I'm sad that someone else I love has gone quiet on me, just when I got spoiled by our daily talks. I'm sad that today is my baby's thirteenth birthday and I'm not with him (though I will call him later). I'm sad that my house is still in shambles and the progress seems so slow (yes, I do know I can change that). I'm sad that I need sinus/tonsil removal surgery and I can't have it because there's nobody to take care of me. I'm just full of a heck of a lot of sad and it does affect the things that I do and try to do. I could use some extra support and encouragement, but there aren't many I can lean on right now because everyone is fighting their own battles at the moment.

I'm still here though and I'm still taking those tiny steps. I managed to stick to my goal of one bottle of water a day for the past week. On a few days, I even got in two. I'm noticing that the more I drink, the thirstier I become. I think that's my body catching up and going oooh, she's giving me something I need. I'm also dealing with more breakouts, etc as I'm guessing toxins are slowly being pushed out of my body. Yay? Why does nobody warn you of these things? They just tell you how much nicer your skin will be, etc. Warning, you may go through a period where your body freaks the hell out before you start seeing the good!

I'm proud of me for making sure that I met my goal for this past week. It was a small one, but an important one in this journey that I'm on. For this week, I'm going to increase that amount to two bottles. I know that's still below the daily recommended amount, but too much too fast equals me not doing it. Plus, this gives my body time to adjust to each change which I think is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, I even went so far as to consider some forms of exercise. Once the snow melts and it's not dangerous to be outside, I'm going to start walking again. It's something that I can do right here in the village and something that I actually kind of enjoy doing. On top of that, I actually got up the courage to step inside of a gym and get some information. Right next door to our new favorite game store is a Planet Fitness. After the boys had spent their birthday money, we went in and took a tour and got membership information. The price isn't bad and they do have a lot of options for things I could do. The only real downside is that it's about a thirty minute drive away, but then again, so is every other thing. I think I could get into the habit of going, it's more wondering if I could afford the gas money that it would take to go over two days a week. I also still have my top secret exercise idea and I'm trying to figure out if I have the money and the courage to do it starting this coming weekend. It's something I could only do every couple of weeks (when the boys aren't with me). I want to..but will my want overcome my fear? That's the real question...

Well, now that I've wrote and wrote and wrote (and trust me, I could keep writing), I guess it comes down to this...Did my drinking 24oz of water a day make any difference last week? I weighed in this morning (and will weigh in every Monday morning) to find out..I wasn't expecting much, but there was a change.  I'm down 1.6 pounds! It's a tiny number, but it's my number and it puts me that much closer to my first goal. In fact, I'm now less than 6 pounds away from that first goal. I don't know how long it will take to get there, but every ounce counts.

Starting Weight: ---------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -1.6
Total Weight Loss: -1.6
Daily Water Average: 24oz.