Weekly Update: Rollercoaster Ride

My god, what a week this past week has been. What a mess our country is. I'm not going to get into all of that because my god, how do you begin to unwrap that? Other than...stop being assholes, people. We all have a right to be who we are and what we are. That's that. Let's try to unwrap my week...

I spent a lot of last week trying not to melt in the humidity that comes with summer around here. Yep, I know, it was/is still spring, but it didn't feel like it. It felt like we just plain skipped over spring. Wearing a mask was miserable, but I did it anyway. Also, I'm happy to report that my almost panic attacks while wearing the mask have lessened. Maybe it's like some sort of forced therapy. Either way, I'd rather wear it than not.

The big news from this past week was that I received the proof copy of my book. I've never been so excited/nervous at the same time, I don't think. Opening it was like ...Christmas morning. I was nervous that it'd be a mess, but it was beautiful. All of the images were in the right spot and look amazing. My friend, Eric, did such an amazing job with them. I actually did a livestream of me opening the package and showing it off. That was fun. Quite a few people popped in and everyone seems to be really excited for me. I hope they're that excited for the book too.

Bonus for the week was that Ben was able to spend the weekend here. We were mostly lazy, but I did get more of my studio done and tackled some of a new client's project. I also got my plants into planters. I didn't buy a lot this year simply because finances won't allow it and Walmart is pretty slim pickings. Still, I have 3 tomato plants (one might not make it. It's pretty sad looking.), a planter with some flowers in it, 2 types of thyme and a sage plant. I may try to dig out the flower bed along the side of the house and see about planting some tulips or something there in the fall. All of the beds are a total disaster and half of my tire planters have trees in them now. I'm not sure what to do about that. It'll probably require hiring a professional to come and take them out. Ick.

Now, on the downside for the week...Well, y'all know what's happened and I won't rehash it. I will say though that it has my anxiety spiking really high. It's hard to sleep because my brain gets in a loop of what ifs. Last night I didn't sleep worth anything and then was woken up around 7:30am because they were working on something out in front of my house. I have no idea what. They're going to be digging up the drain pipe and clearing it out, but I'm in the middle of the block so it makes no sense to start there. Either way, they were loud enough that I didn't get to go back to sleep when I badly needed it. Just have to keep on pressing on, I guess.

Roger will be here soon and I'd like to be about done with work when he gets here, so time for me to sign off for now! If, on the off chance, you'd like to check out my book, there's a pre-order for the ebook up on Amazon now. That and the print version will release on July 14th (which happens to be my anniversary).

As always, talk to me if you need an ear...mine are available...

Pause the Music

Credit to Nick Gibson for today's title inspiration.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head and would you believe that they're all good and I'm smiling? Weird, huh? I'm not complaining though.

I saw my doctor on Friday and I'm happy to report that we're both doing well. She had a workout accident a while back but is healing nicely. Me? My blood pressure tracking pleased her and seeing me happy and thriving put a huge smile on her face.

I don't think I realized that I'd stopped thriving, but was merely surviving. Heck, just surviving was a nice feeling. Actually thriving (thank you god for those who created this medication that I'm on now) has me over the moon and insanely productive. My sleep schedule has shifted to more match that of those around me. I'm asleep by 11 and up by 6:30-7:30 am. I'm getting up, getting dressed, eating, and knocking out project after project. It's spectacular.

I don't know if I wrote last week about being back in my bedroom, but that's been a wonderful change too. After a week or so of that, I'm finally adjusting to sleeping in there. The cats have laid claim to their sleeping spots and none of us are crunched up, unless they choose to be (Mac likes to sleep up against my legs). My room isn't completely dehoarded, but I would say that it's at least halfway there and I'm thinking that maybe within a week, it will be totally done. Then, I need to convince the youngest to come home from college for a few hours to help me get the dresser inside and upstairs to my room. I can't move it by myself and my doctor told me to not even try.

Normally, all of these changes would freak me out, but instead, I'm celebrating them and I'm celebrating me for getting them done. Thanks to my editing work, I've been able to make some payments on outstanding bills and I'm hoping that by the end of the year, those will be taken care of which will put me in a better financial place for the upcoming year.

I've found myself stopping more...Pausing the music in my head...to enjoy other things. I'm slowly reading more. I'm playing games. I'm taking pictures of raindrops on spider webs. I'm doing more of the things that I love that slipped by the wayside. Mostly? I'm enjoying being me. It's pretty awesome.

That's it for this week. I'm off to Life With Katie to write my weekly writing prompt post. If you like recipes, reviews, writing, please pop over and check it out. I have a giveaway starting there tomorrow.

Until next week....take care of yourselves, my little chickadees!

Feelin' Good

So, it's been a few weeks and I wanted to make sure that I stopped in and let you guys know how it was all going. It's had its ups and downs that's for sure. I just have to stop singing and dancing to this song so I can actually type it all out.  I love this song so much. The video is a bit weird though, don't you think?

Okay, it's done. Right. So the past few weeks...Well, last post I told you that I had decided to start back on my anti-depressant and that I was a bit nervous because I tend to forget if it's doing me any good once I'm on it for a bit. That's part of the reason that I want to write about it. I want to have a record that I can look back on.

I decided to start with a half dose because the last time I took a full dose (I was on the max allowed dosage) it made me feel loopy. I spent an hour one evening cutting all of my pills in half and rebottling them. That night, I took my first dose. The next day I was headachey and nauseous all day long. It was not fun, but I took another dose the following night because I figured maybe I just had to adjust to it. The following day was a Thursday. I know this because my youngest had a jazz performance at a club. I had the same headache but the queasiness was more on and off, but man, when it was on, I wanted to throw up. Ugh. That night, I didn't take any. The thought of swallowing anything was too much.

Friday I still felt crummy, but better. I decided that I'd try an every other day regimen for a while. Saturday I woke up and felt great. Go figure. So, I took another dose that night. No reason to put it off if I'm feeling okay with it. Sunday I woke up and started the first real period that I've had in over three years. Now I'm wonder if the medicine combined with hormonal crap and just made me feel dreadful. No real way to know, but I've not had that god awful reaction since.

So, since I started, I only missed that one dose and that was on purpose. I'm really starting to notice a change. I've had my down days and I've had some serious stressors, but so far I've been handling them. The past couple of days I've found myself smiling, singing, and god help the poor cats who can see me...dancing. I feel lighter. I feel more like things are going to be okay, and that they're possible.

I had about 4 nights of total insomnia, but I think that I'm slowly moving past that which is good. The past two days I haven't slept until noon or later which is a relief. Regulating sleep is a top priority because my afternoons are too busy to lose my mornings.

In a bit of other news, I'm thrilled to say that #Fridgepocalypse is over now. Our brand new refrigerator was delivered this afternoon. If you don't know what that hashtag means, I'll just say that this is our second fridge purchase in just over a month. I'm going to have to put myself out there more as a proofreader/editor to make the money back as quickly as I can but I don't believe that it's impossible. I just have to get the right eyes on what it is that I do.

As for weight, I don't really have an update there. I don't have a way to weigh myself at home and I haven't figured out a solution for that yet. I don't really want to drive 20 minutes to the doctor's office every couple of weeks, even though I'm pretty sure they'd let me stop in and use the scales. I will say that I think that my pants feel a bit looser, but it's hard for me to tell if that's just wishful thinking or reality. I promise I'll keep updating that bit as often as I can though. I need to know too if the bits I'm trying are working. Only five more months until that appointment. Now that the new fridge is here though, I can get my water bottles filled and in there so that I have a ready supply of drinking water on hand which will be nice.

Current Weight: ???
Goal Weight: 150 lbs
Days in a Row Taking Meds: 18

From Chaos to Contained

From Chaos to Contained - My Mind, My Life

I sat down nearly two hours ago because I wanted to write here. The problem is that I had no idea what to write about. My brain kept circling around a problem that I'm having that I can't figure out a solution to and sadly, it's something that I can't really write about here. Then, inspiration struck!

Okay, that's dramatic. It's more like I was sitting on the couch, staring through my laptop as I tried to figure out what to write about and suddenly I remembered that my laptop has the sticky notes feature. I love this feature but somehow I go months without remembering that I have it. Tonight, I remembered and I figured out a way to make it work for me. Yay!

Last week, I wrote about my idea for "themed" days to help me focus on what needs to get done. In the time since, I've let the idea sit in the back of my head and not really done much with it. My oldest read my post and told me that he liked the idea and thought that it would really help. This week he's here with me and today we got to work on it. I spent the day working on various site(s) and hanging out with him. It was nice to get that stuff done, but I realized that my memory issues have been getting a bit dodgy lately and I kept feeling as if I were forgetting something I should be doing. Enter...the sticky notes!

The desktop on my laptop. I need to do an icon clean out!

I sat down at my laptop and created a sticky note for each theme. Then, on each one I listed the theme and any/all tasks that need to be completed on that day or for that project. The nice thing is that these are easily to make changes to if I need to and I can view them any time where I'm not sure what I should be doing. I plan on doing my weekly planning each weekend and whenever I sit down to do that, I'll be making sure that these are updated for the upcoming week.

Doing this tonight made me realize that chaos has crept into other areas of my world and so I'm going to be sitting down as soon as I can to work on a similar system for those areas. The one that my brain keeps coming back to is my writing. I need to finish Nevermore and then come up with a plan for future books. It's time that I stop flying so much by the seat of my pants and have a plan. I've always worked so much better that way, but for whatever reason, I have't applied my need for order to my writing. I need to work on that.  It's time to take the chaos that is my world and bring it back in order. It's time to go from chaos to contained ...a place for everything in my world and as much of it as possible in its place.

Sometimes the solutions to things are the very things staring you right in the face...

PTSD and Me

When most people think of PTSD, they think of soldiers coming back from war or war torn areas. While this is very much a real thing, there are so many more of us who deal with it. In fact, according to the Nebraska Department of Veterans' Affairs, 5.2 million Americans suffer from it in any given year. That's a lot of folks, folks!

As always, I'm not really here though to talk about anyone else's experiences. I can only speak to mine and since I had something trigger recently, I thought that maybe it might be a good time to tell all of you about it.

According to one doctor, I've had PTSD since I was approximately 3 years old. Yep, you read that right. Three years old. That comes out to about 38 years of PTSD and for me, while that one traumatic incident started it, others just added to it over the years. Let's start at the beginning though...

When I was about three, I was sent to my father's house for some sort of visitation. He left me alone with his girlfriend while he went to work. As the tale goes, this girlfriend had her own children taken away by the courts and was a very jealous type. For whatever reason, she beat me. That sounds ...somehow more than a description and yet not enough of one... She returned me to my grandparent's house covered in bruises, including perfectly circular ones that went up my spine. I had to be taken after hours to see my pediatrician where, at the age of about three, I had to be examined to make sure I hadn't been raped. Imagine your child having to go through all of that and having no idea what they'd done.

I can tell you now what it is that I think I did. I existed. That's all that it took. For years, I had nightmares and after a lot of time, I can tell you what I think happened to me. At some point, I was locked in a closet because she didn't want to see me. I was almost potty trained and at some point, I had an accident and peed my pants. I was slapped or hit repeatedly across my vagina. I was given a scalding hot bath and held under the water while she screamed at me. Then, I was dropped on my grandparents' porch and she drove away. My father lost all but supervised visitation after that.

That's when the nightmares started. I should say nightmare because it was always the same one. I once asked my grandmother about it and her response was, "Oh god, we'd hoped you wouldn't remember." I was an adult with children of my own by this time and she'd had no idea about the nightmares because I'd never told anyone.

That's where the PTSD started and if I were to write out full descriptions of what added to it, we'd be here all day, so I'm just going to do a list:
1. Parental Abandonment
2. Emotional and sometimes physical abuse by my mother
3. Loss of a child (17 weeks pregnant) followed by emotional abuse by his father
4. Divorce
5. Rape

There may be other things, but honestly, how many do we need, right? I mean, that's a lot for any person.

Over the years, I've struggled to move past some of these things but I know that they've molded me. How my parents treated me has directly affected how I treat my own children. I won't thank them, but they were a very good example of how not to parent. Perhaps, in some sadly ironic way, they've made me into a better parent than I may have been otherwise.

There have been other consequences, of course. I don't trust easily and while I'm an open book if asked, I don't open up easily otherwise. It's very hard sometimes for me to believe that anyone really likes me and if people don't make those first moves, I automatically assume it's because they don't like me. It doesn't occur to me that maybe they're waiting just like I am.

Relationships....all I can say is ouch. I left my divorce having no idea who I am and eleven years later, I'm just at the point where I can say, "Yeah, I'm finding parts of myself and it's good." I've had a couple of pretty intense relationships in that time and the problem was that at least one of them was a case of two broken people which never goes well. My last relationship left me damaged in other ways
and added to the PTSD. My current relationship? We've been together for about 2.5 years and I'm lucky that he honestly believes that I'm not hard to love. As for me, he's forced me to grow and get stronger. He doesn't believe in rewarding my insecure behavior and more than once I've been left with the decision of leaving the relationship or dealing with whatever issue is buzzing in my head.

Why am I sharing this with all of you? As with everything that I write about here, I want you to realize that if this is something that you deal with, you're not alone. For those who don't, I want you to realize that others around you may be dealing with things that you have no idea about. PTSD can be one of those silent illnesses that you don't even know is there unless someone tells you.

For example, when something triggers me, I don't get violent (the stereotype with this disorder). In fact, about the opposite happens. I'm more likely to curl into myself. I'm more likely to sit and stare into space. Someone once told me that I was the stillest person they had ever seen. I had fled to their house to get away from the world after someone that I trusted and loved essentially stabbed me through the heart and then turned their back on me. The friend didn't really have furniture in their living room so I spent the weekend sitting on his hard wood floor and just surviving. Every person handles things differently and their survival mode may be different.

Up above, I posted some of the symptoms of PTSD. Short of one or two, I've probably dealt with all of them. I'm happy to say that the recurring nightmare from childhood is a rare occurrence these days but I'm still hyper alert to certain behaviors. It's for this reason, I've had to walk away from some friendships and some people. Their behavior is a trigger for me and while they may realize it, they don't feel the need to change it. See? I told you that on some level, all of these posts were interconnected!

So, one blog post later, I don't know if anything I've written here has helped anyone but perhaps it's a reminder to be kind to one another because we never know what someone else is dealing with in their lives. A bit of kindness costs nothing  but can be worth all the gold in the world to someone who needs it.

Happy Surprise

Hi all! Just a quick post in between Roger's busking and Ben's football game. I just had to share this with everyone.

I took this photo of me this morning. I hardly ever have my picture taken or if I do, share them with anyone. This one is different. Two weeks ago, I bought this shirt to support the boys' football team at a scrimmage. Like some people, I have a fat roll above my waist and when I put this shirt on and looked in the mirror, I could see that roll pressed against the shirt. In my mind, it was pushing the shirt out. This morning, I put the shirt on (first conference game is tonight) and thought it felt looser. I looked in the mirror and sure enough, it seems to be fitting much better! The shirt feels as if it's laying against my skin and not my skin shoving it out.

Last week I posted about the numbers, but this week I actually could see the results! I'm feeling them when I eat too. After Roger's busking today, we stopped into the diner to have onion rings (our guilty pleasure) and I noticed that after eating them, I didn't want anything else. It's now been over two hours and I still don't feel as if I'm starving. It feels really good to be seeing the results. Roger and I joked today that the 3x band sweatshirt I ordered this year is going to hang on me by next year if I keep this up. I'm okay with that.

As for right now though, I'm happy just seeing the results and feeling encouraged to keep going. I can't wait until I get my new fitbit (the other died and is out of warranty..boo!) and schedules shift so I have time to jump back onto the treadmill or get back outside for walks. It feels really, really good to be able to say, "I've got this." after my doctor told me that there was no way I could do this on my own. I can, I am, and I will.

Holy Busy Batman

Holy cannoli, Batman..I am absolutely done in. This entire summer has been crazy busy and the last three weeks before school starts are always the craziest. On top of that, our little family (me and the boys) is trying to raise money to help send Roger on a science research trip (and his band trip) this coming year. It's insane and because time is running out before his first big payments are due, here's my tiny plug:

Please help send one awesome kid on two awesome trips that he's worked so hard for. To buy our awesome t-shirts designed by Nick of Alt-World head over to TeeSpring and to check out his GoFundMe which has a lot of freaking amazing reward tiers, go to his site!

There's also some personal stress going on so between the financial concerns, the insanely busy schedule, work pressures (that I'm totally putting on myself), and the personal stuff, I am plain done in. It's made really being good a little bit tougher,

Still, for the past seventeen days, I've been really honest with myself about my diet and started tracking it using MyFitnessPal. Yay for free apps! Other than one day when I just kinda said screw it and emotionally ate, I've done pretty well.

Workouts haven't gone as well. Ben had me up on the treadmill three times a week but then he hasn't worked for the past two weeks and I haven't been up at the community center. I have gotten in a bit of walking but not even my tiny daily goal. I have to figure out how/when to fit some sort of walking in. At this point it's the only type of exercise that I can handle. I'm hoping that once the stress of getting another $300 or so by my birthday to the trip folk ($150 by 9/23 and $185 by 9/1) is past and I can start knocking out more of the things that I feel have slipped over the summer then I'll start sleeping better and all of this will just fit together better.

I'm happy to say though that it hasn't all been for loss. No wait, it has been! It's been for a decent loss! By simply monitoring my calorie intake, I've gone from 330 pounds (when I was horribly sick back in June) to 309.8 today. If I use the scale weight taken about 2 weeks ago when I was at the community center and used their old school balance scale, that's still down 9 pounds since then. I'm happy with that and it gives me a nice nudge to keep going. My doctor told me that I couldn't do it, that my body would fight me every single step, but I am doing it. It might be slow but I'm doing it.

For now though, I'm going to smile at my little success and take myself off to bed. Hopefully I'll be back soon with another update as to how things are going. Until then, take care of yourselves!

Starting Over... Again

I've lost track of how many times I've started and stopped this dang blog and taking care of myself. Honest to goodness. I don't even have a clue now. I swear that I write a post and suddenly nearly a year zips by and here I am again.

Now, here's the part where I tell you this time will be different..yada yada yada.. but the truth is, it may not be. Of course, it may also be. Who knows, right? A lot has changed for me over the past few years and I haven't really told anyone this, but my doctor is really on my case about my weight. I have to go back and see her in about two months and I know that she's going to ask me if I went to the weight loss clinic (which I have no intention of really going to because the want to shove a liquid diet in my face and prepare me for surgery). The reality is that I know I can do this on my own. I don't need a liquid diet or fancy surgeries. I need to deal with the core of my issues, why I eat and why I eat what I eat.

I need to take care of me and this is the area that keeps coming to mind. You see, every year, on my birthday, I choose a goal to work on for the following year. I've done mental health, physical health (namely the issues with my sinuses) and other things. There is only one real criteria. They have to be specifically for me. They're not allowed to be about anyone else, not even the boys. This year, I've been going round and round with two things and my weight is one of them. The other is my dental health. I have terrible teeth. I always have and on top of that, as part of my omg I'm overwhelmed by life thing, I got out of the habit of taking care of them.

So, this year, I've decided to be a bit of an overachiever, and yet, they all tie into each other. Here's the other thing..other than here and at Life With Katie, I don't really intend on posting about this or even talking about it. I'm doing this for me and any posts about it will be done for me. That probably sounds more selfish than I usually am or perhaps as if I don't feel as if I need support. I can't really comment on the first one other than to say well yes...but that's the point of this. To "selfishly" do something for me. As for the second point? Well, here's the thing..writing tons of posts here is great and I will always welcome and appreciate any comments, but I am truly blessed right now with some great people in my life and I know that if I need them, I can turn to them.

Now...I've mentioned multiple goals and I'm going to lay them out here, even though only one is really specific to this blog...

1. Weight Loss - I currently weigh in at approximately 310 pounds. I'm not going to put a number goal on an entire year, but I'd like to get down to where I have more energy and I'm generally healthier again.

2. Dental Health - Taking better daily care of my teeth and then getting myself to the dentist for help with the rest, even if I am terrified and I know it's not going to be pretty.

3. Taking Better Care of Me - This is #1 and #2 combined as well as little things like finding a way to get a hair cut when I need one, taking time to relax with a game or a book or whatever fits my fancy, and who knows, maybe even bringing back Time for Me Thursday for the other site. I just need to take better care of me...This also includes continuing to work on my over thinking/over worrying/over stressing issues.

4. Creating a Home - Last but just as important as the others is the continued work on my house. In the past month, I've hauled out a ton of trash and almost as much to donate to Goodwill. I want to continue on that path until I have a home that I'm proud of and don't mind inviting people over to. I want to get it to the point where if Phil comes around, we don't have to go to a hotel unless that's what we want to do. I want the boys and I to be able to both use and relax in the space.

There we go. My four goals for the coming year. Technically my birthday isn't until September 23rd, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason to wait. Instead, I'm starting with this post. Pretty soon I'll write up one for the other site, but for now, this is going to be our little secret...me and anyone who may wander across this post.

For tonight, I'm starting with all of the goals in a really simple manner. I'm going to go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and while I'm in there, I'm going to clean the mirror. If I do some little thing every time I walk in there, the room will be looking fantastic in no time and it will make me smile to walk in there. Smiling when I walk in there will lead to a more relaxed, happier me. Sometimes everything feeds into some other thing.

Moving Slow

This week's post is brought to you by the letter S, the number 7 and this turtle. Why? Because this week was slow, there are 7 days in a week and he's just handsome. How could you deny him the desire to bring you a blog post?

This week was a tough week. I scheduled my sinus/tonsil surgery and along with that came a ton of anxiety that I wasn't expecting. I've come through other surgeries and took care of myself afterward just fine, so why should this one be any different? I'm guessing it's because the surgeon keeps telling me that I need someone with me until I'm enough off the pain meds that I can drive myself. She's shoved it hard into my head and knowing that I'm going to be alone, in a hotel room, now has my anxiety levels through the roof. With high anxiety came me not focusing on where I should have been.

I honestly have no idea how much I drank. Our pipes are still frozen, though thankfully, the bathroom sink seems to have partially thawed so we do have water again. It made it difficult which meant I didn't bother. My eating habits were..well, let's just say not so great though they were perhaps better than they might have been in the past.

I stepped onto the scale this morning, honestly inspecting a gain. I was pleasantly surprised at a teeny tiny loss..and when I say tiny, I really do mean tiny. However, I'll take it. It really serves as a good, strong reminder that even babysteps are better than no steps at all. I'm happy to report that I topped off my water bottle again this morning and have been drinking from it. I also made sure that I had breakfast again.

I've been told forever that skipping meals is bad so one of the changes that I've made is to make sure that I get in three meals every day. Last week, I did pretty good with that, but I did miss a few here and there. This week, I'm going to try to do better.

One thing that helps is that I now have my friend Rob backing me. Rob, who I hope to someday get to write a guest post here, has lost an amazing amount of weight and let me tell you folks, the man looks amazing now. I am beyond proud of him and having him in my corner helps a lot. He's one of the few people in my world that I know won't lie to me, even if it's going to suck beyond belief. Today, he told me that he believes I can do this. I know that if I feel stuck or frustrated, I can go to him and say argh! and he'll point me in the right direction...or knowing him, give me a big 'ol shove.

I've told myself and others that I can do this. I don't need fancy gadgets (not that I'd turn one down, but I can't afford them) or personal trainers or dieticians or anything like that. All I need is me and the will and desire to do this. That doesn't mean that I'm going to turn down any help I can get or that having a cheering section is a bad thing. Support is a major help in anything that we choose to do in life. I'm so glad to have those who are willing to say, "Hey, have you had your water today?" or "Hey, I'm so proud of you for not giving up." I'm even glad to have those that say, "Hey, stop slacking and get your ass in gear."

I may be a tiny turtle taking his very first slow steps in the world, but I'm taking those steps..

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: -4.6 pounds
Daily Water Average: ?????

Weekly goals:

• 2 bottles of water each day (48oz)
• Skating on Sunday (and if I'm insane, maybe Saturday too)

I Need to Believe

I'm going to start this post out by asking for forgiveness. I know that you might find that strange, but I feel like I have so many things that I want to talk about and my brain is jumping from one to the other and back again so I cannot promise that this posting will be entirely smooth flowing.

Let's start out with the negative. It's always best to clear that out of the head so that you can move on. So, here's my negative...I feel like I'm losing a competition that in all reality doesn't even exist. I am a part of this amazing group of women and I see what they're doing and a part of my brain keeps saying, 'You're so far behind. Look what they're doing. They're meal planning and you're way back on just trying to be hydrated. There's no way you can be as awesome as they are.' Wow, huh? The things that we do to ourselves sometimes are so far worse than what anyone else can do.  None of these amazing women have ever made me feel less because I'm barely at the starting line. This is all entirely in my head and yeesh, it needs to go.

In other negativity news, I've just been a whirling bundle of emotions the latter half of this week. I can't really get into the details but trust me when I say that it's the kind of thing that can just sink a person. I desperately need to talk to a certain someone but as always, finding a time that works for both of us is proving difficult. I'm working hard on taking a deep breath and just continuing to move with life until that can happen. Being so emotional had totally led me to the path of emotional eating which completely and totally sucks. I need to not be sabotaging myself like that. It just turns into a hugely negative cycle and yeah...

Now, let's look at the positives..Did I mention that I'm a part of this amazing group of women? Watching them grow and learning from them is such a blessing in my life. I know that I'm not where they are, but they love me anyway and love, acceptance and support are so important. Who knew when I started my weight loss journey that I would get to know and love such amazing women from all over? Someone must have because we've all come together and it could only be because we're meant to be.

Warning...brain jump ahead...

I don't have a number for this post. I know that I said I would, but I had to reschedule my doctor's appointment because I had a sick kiddo. It's now scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. As much as I hate to weigh myself outside, I think I've decided to put my scale by my front porch and weigh myself on the front deck. It's probably not totally level, but it's also probably going to be more accurate than anywhere in the house. I have an end goal number in mind and I need the accountability of the scale. It won't be a daily weigh in, but a weekly one.

I also haven't quite figured out the whole working out thing yet. Now that the boys are back in school, I won't be going to anymore wrestling practices so that rules out walking the hallways. The bonus is that the new season of Biggest Loser just started. While I don't always agree with how they do it or anything like that, watching people shed the pounds is motivational to me. Two seasons ago, before everything fell apart, I started walking during the show. I think that I'm going to start doing that again. Any physical activity is better than no activity.

Speaking of bits of activity, I've also started bathroom push ups again. I know what you're thinking..what the heck is she talking about? Back when I was very serious about losing weight and was actually dropping pounds, I used to do push ups in my bathroom every time I went in to use it. I would close the door and do as many wall push ups as my arms could stand. I'm happy to say that since I'm drinking more water again, I've done 45 push ups tonight. Yes, they're against the wall but who cares? My arms are feeling it and that means the muscles are working. Working muscles are good muscles.

And...I guess that's my very disjointed check in. I'm struggling but I'm still moving. I just need to tell myself and to believe that I can do this. I can drop the 138 pounds that I want to drop. I have to believe in me and right now, that's my biggest struggle. My head is saying no, you can't..well brain, actions speak louder than words and one tiny step at a time, I will do this. I can do this.

Starting Weight: 288 lbs
Weekly Weight:  -----
Amount Lost/Gained: -----
New Weight: -----
Workouts: Wall Push Ups
Average Daily Water Intake: 60 oz (Yep, I did it!)

Mamavation Monday: A Change in Habits

Another couple of weeks have gone by and I haven't stopped in to say hi. I could have. I should have. I have no excuse. Last week I sat here staring at the screen and I had no idea what to say. Something happened in my life that stopped me in my tracks. I won't go into detail here simply because posting about it publicly gives someone power who doesn't deserve it. They have no power over me. Their words are just that. They're words and I am stronger than that. So, I sat quiet and I grew stronger and I came through the other side and now I'm here again. 

I've had this graphic  for a while now and from time to time, I pull it out to remind me that no matter what anyone has ever said about me, I am the one who is the creator of me. Nobody gets to make me into anything. Not anymore. I am stronger than that. My weight seems to have become an issue for folks lately. I can count at least three times within the past two weeks where someone has mentioned it. The first time was to be cruel. The second was as a character description in a story and the most recent was to use me as a comparison to someone else. In the past, this would have crushed me. I'm stronger than that though. My weight can change. It can change but I have to make the changes. Nobody can do them for me. This is my body and my life and I can do this. 

I am lucky enough to know that I'm not alone out there in making these changes. Through Mamavation and other avenues in my life, I have met people who have lost huge amounts of weight, people who are trying to lose weight and people who are all over their paths to weight loss and healthier lives. 

One of those people, I met via my "day job" as a comic book reviewer. Sometimes you find people in what feels like the most unlikely of places and you become friends. I'm lucky enough that I get to call Keith Thomas a friend. I'm also lucky enough that he's allowing me to share this excerpt from his upcoming book. When I read it, I grinned because this is just so him. I also related to this post (does that make me a lesbian, Keith? or at least bi?) and knew that so many of you would as well. Remember though, you are in charge of your life and your choices. Wendy is a big girl (no pun intended) and can take care of herself. It's your job to take care of yourself.

Dear Wendy, 

We have known each other for many years but it has recently come to my attention in light of my recent pursuit of a better me, that our relationship has never truly been mutually beneficial. I have tried to fill the emptiness of my life with your tasty charms and chocolaty frosty wiles. In the end, all you've really done is taken my money and left me with potential heart aches such 

as cholesterol and weight.

My dependency upon you has spilled over and beyond, for in times that you were not near me, I satisfied myself by visiting the King, the Colonel and sometimes even that Clown down the street. This has brought my attention to the fact that you are not a love, dear Wendy, but an addiction. One that must be let go of and cast aside. You will tempt me no more with your delicious juiciness nor your cheesy smile you little harlot. Even though you encompass the three defining traits I love most in women, you are always available, cheap and easy, we are through.

Don't cry little girl, it's not you, it's me. I know that sounds cliche and maybe even childish but it's true. At first you may miss me, but with a population obesity rate of about 70%, you will find another like me soon.

Your former slave,
Keith

(A small excerpt from my forthcoming book about how I've changed my life, The Vanishing Elephant. There is no ETA at this time for the book's completion as it is a work in progress.)

If you're friends with Keith, you've seen some pretty humorous back and forth retorts between Wendy and Keith. I think that the poor girl really is going to miss him. Just remember though..that when it comes to your diet the slogan Have It Your Way doesn't mean you have to hit a drive through on your way home. Your way can be whatever you want for it to be.

Mamavation Monday : Farmville

The one thing that spending hours on the road driving gives you is plenty of time to think. Without fail, if I have any kind of trip going on where I'm spending an entire day travelling, my mind drifts into thinking about Farmville.

I know what you're thinking. Of all of the things I could think about, my brain chooses to think about a meaningless Facebook game. My question to you though, is it really meaningless?

Let's stop and think about this game. In the basest of senses, it's just a way to waste time that we could spend doing other things. However, let's take things up a notch. What does the average farmer do on a stop in this game?

1. He plants and harvests crops in the hopes of completing missions or obtaining a part that he needs.
2. He travels from farm to farm. I believe, with the inclusion of Haunted Hollow, that there are now 6 different areas.
3. He travels to his friends farms and helps them out.
4. He works hard in the hopes of improving his own farm.
5. He relocates and reorganizes things in the hopes of fitting just one more thing into the space he has.

When I look at the game (and yes, I do play it), I sometimes actually wish I were more like my little farmer girl. She goes in and does what she needs to do and then she moves on. Over the course of playing this game, I've developed a system to get everything done and then exit the game. So, my little farmer girl is efficient.

Not only is she efficient, but she's worked for everything that she has in the game. She works hard planting thousands of crops and she always has a smile on her face. Her life isn't easy but she never gives up and she never loses her optimistic grin. She's always willing to help people out. She may not even know them but if they need something that she can give, she jumps right in.

Yes, I want to be more like her and the reality is that we can all be more like her. We may not be planting crops, but every day we sow seeds. When we smile, we're sowing the seeds of joy and happiness. Very few of us sit at home all day long. We're a society of movers and travelers and when we go, we take those seeds with us. How many of us have discovered that a simple smile can change someone's day?

I know that I've had more than one waitress, check out person or just person I've bumped into thank me for having a smile and a kind word or two for them. Positivity can change lives. So can hard work. My little farmer girl busts her tush from the moment I load the game to the moment that I head back to my Facebook feed. She plants and harvests and feeds animals and does what she needs to do to grow her farm. I'm pretty sure that she looks upon every land expansion as a reward for what she's done.

Hard work isn't a foreign concept to most of us. Yes, there are people out there who have had everything handed to them and there are some people who have had nothing handed to them. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of that range, but we've learned that if we want a newer car or a nicer house, we're going to have to work for those things. Heck, how many of us have woken up in the morning and thought, "Man, can't the house clean itself today?" Wishes are nice, but they're not going to get us anywhere near what we can do if we work at it.

Let's face it. Our homes didn't get messy, our bodies didn't get chunky and our brains didn't get filled with negative thoughts overnight. The opposite isn't going to happen overnight either. Don't get me wrong. I would absolutely love to wake up one morning to a television show level of clean (think any kitchen you see on Food Network), a size 12 (yes, I'm a realist.) wardrobe that fit like a dream and depression banished forever. It's just not going to happen. If I want those things, I have to get up each morning ready to work for them. It won't happen overnight. In the case of my weight, it will probably take years. In the case of my home, to get it how I want it might take the next year. As for the mental attitude, there will be days when it comes easy and days when my brain chemicals are threatening to drive me insane.

However, just like my little farmer girl, I can do this and so can you. Know that you can do this. If it's important to you, you will make the time and the effort and you can get it done. It's when it's not that important that we make excuses. So, decide today what it is that you want to do with your life and just do it. So what if it takes days, weeks, months or even years. What matters is that you're doing it, one step at a time. Have faith in yourself and before you know it, you'll be just like our little farmer girl, happily setting an upgraded life up on her property.

Mamavation Monday: Baby Steps Work!

I was going to post something super educational as my picture for this week...right up until I saw this. It makes me wonder if this is a serious issue around this country. Do people randomly urinate and deficate in public so much that we need signs? Or is this like hot McDonalds coffee and it was just this one person, this one time? Granted, a couple of summers ago, I had to ask my neighbor to ask their friend to stop peeing on the side of their house (the back door was mere feet away, I kid you not) because I was getting tired of looking out the window and seeing it. I guess you just never know, huh?

Anyway, enough about public toileting and on to something far more fun and exciting..at least for me! Remember how we talked about baby steps last week and I showed you the before picture of my weekly project? I have an after picture! I warn you that it kind of sucks because my camera batteries died and I had to use my phone, but it's a picture! Ready? Here goes....

Ta da! It actually looks even better now. The clear space under holds my potting soil bucket, the lawnmower gas can and the shop vac. All super accessible and not buried under mounds of stuff! I've had people coming out from Freecycle for the past few days and things are finding new homes. And you know what? It feels good! It feels good to be shedding physical weight from this home. It feels good to watch the garbage go and the things left behind are only things we love and use.

Similarly, I know it's going to be a great feeling when I start shedding the food garbage from this house and start bringing in only what my body needs and loves. It's going to feel great when my body starts shedding the unneeded and unwanted garbage (weight) from itself. Just like it took baby steps to create that happy space in my barn/garage, it's going to take baby steps to get healthy. It's ok because I can do it!

My next project is to get my kitchen back in useable order. Each day this week, I'll take baby steps to get it functional and beautiful. Before we know it, it's going to be another happy space that makes us smile to walk into it!

Mamavation Monday: Procrastination

We all know that putting things off only hurts ourselves in the end. Let's face it, it doesn't matter how good we get at independent study, it really just cannot replace a good round of homework with the right person. Doing something, be it getting in a good workout, eating right or even completing a project can be the same way. There's a natural high that comes with finishing something. Plus, if it's a workout that you just finished, you may also be sweaty and glowing just like a good round of homework.

So, instead of putting things off and in the end only falling further and further behind, let's jump right into life and get things done. In the end, we'll only feel better for it!

Mamavation Monday : Voices in My Head

It's Monday and we're back from vacation! I love our annual camping trip. Justin flies in and all four of us drive up North and just spend the time together. For the most part, we lock out the outside world and just enjoy being our little family.

This year, we went up to Wilderness State Park. For those not familiar, it's about 11 miles West of Mackinaw City, Michigan. Just for the fun of it, we took the long way and stopped off at a little ice cream shop in Benzonia. It had been suggested to me by a friend. I didn't know that it was actually her family that owned it, but let me tell you, that single scoop of ice cream was the most yummy thing! If you're ever in that area, I can completely and totally recommend stopping by Hill Top Soda Shoppe. They make all of their ice cream and use beet sugar instead of corn syrup.

All in all, it was such a wonderful trip and all of the driving gave me plenty of opportunity to think. Driving led to this picture and this picture led to me having a serious think.

One of my biggest issues, in life, are the voices inside my head.  We all have them. They're those voices that tell you that you can't do something, that something is impossible, that you're just not good enough and all of those negative thoughts that just stop you in your tracks.

We all have them but we can also all choose to ignore them. We don't have to give them free space in our heads. When I first saw this building, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm sure that was the intention of the sign. However, once I stopped giggling, I started thinking. Those voices are a lot like what we put into an outhouse. To put it in a polite sense, they stink. They're the waste that our bodies (and souls) don't need.

Having the thoughts is normal. What we do with them is what matters. We can rent them space for cheap and before we know it, they take over everything. They're bacteria, they're viruses, they're cancer in our bodies. Or we can acknowledge them and then dispose of them. We can flush them out of our systems by putting in healthy thoughts. In the end, the decision is up to you. Do you live your life in a smelly, cramped space or do you do what you have to do and then open that door and step out into the sunshine?

Mamavation Monday : Life's a Happy Song

This song will always have meaning to me. It could be because my best friend's name is Walter or that I took my boys to go see the movie it's in and so began their love of The Muppets. It could be any number of things, but at the end of the day, I love this song.

The other night, I was talking to Walter. We were talking about comic book reviews. You see, Walter is an inker in the industry. He's just starting out but already he's done a few books. Back when we were together in Phoenix, he signed one of his books to me :

"To Katrina,
The awesome of awesome. Let life always be a happy song."

I don't know if he knew how much that meant to me or not, but I mentioned the lyrics to this song the other night..Life's a happy song and he pointed out that there's a clause/a caveat on that line..with someone by your side.  It suddenly occurred to me one of the things that has changed for me lately. I no longer see myself as alone in this world.

I told him how that line doesn't have to mean a life partner or anything romantic at all. He's part of what makes my life a happy song. So are my kids and the amazing friends and people that I have surrounded myself with.

It's taken me a long time to realize that the person I need most is me, but that those that walk right along side me are the harmony. They're the rests when I need a break or the fun and silly runs when I need that. Life isn't always easy but it's always a blend of a lot of different notes.

Mamavation Monday : Taking Ownership

Only I hold the key to my life.

Do you ever feel as if you have no idea who you are anymore? That's where I've been for the past month or so. When my grandma died, I felt as if one of the very last things holding me to this planet was gone. I wrote last week about my depression and this week might be a branch off of that.

You see, I sat here in tears one night and all I could think was who am I? Almost all my life, I've lived under titles. I was Millie's granddaughter, Peter's wife (or ex-wife), Ben and Roger's mom, but who was I under all of that? I realized that I honestly didn't know. I knew that if I asked those closest to me, I would get a laundry list of adjectives. People would say that I was kind, loyal, funny, smart and a variety of other things. The thing is, that's what people saw me as. Who was I? Who am I?

This led to my 28 days of all about me decision. When I started this part of my journey, I had 28 days left until I went to Phoenix to visit friends. I made the decision and a public declaration (Ok, it was on Facebook.) that for the next 28 days, I wasn't going to take on a single outside project. I would be there for my friends, but to please not approach me asking me for help with anything that would be more than a conversation. For this time period, I would only be doing things for me, my children or our home.

It's been 10 days since I made that decision and in 10 days, I haven't lifted a finger for anyone else. I hope that this doesn't sound selfish but this is really what I needed and those who love me, understand. They know I'm only a phone call, text or im away but for now, I'm not volunteering my time. Do you know what I discovered? When I'm not living my life for everyone else, there is suddenly time for things like cleaning and laundry. There is time for me to read review copies and write my posts. I discovered that I really do love to learn and so I started studying Irish again. Not only that, but I'm reading an autobiography.

Do you know what else I've done? I've stood up for myself. It made me laugh when two of my friends actually cheered for me when I did this, but suddenly I realized how much I've let my fear of being alone affect how I sometimes allow people to treat me. So, the other night when someone implied that I was a bad person or more accurately that I was doing something morally wrong with my life, I reacted differently. I will admit that for a couple of hours I felt really bad, but then something happened. I got angry. I got angry and I said no. I am not a bad person. I am smart and kind and nice and a good person. I got angry and I said that if people honestly couldn't handle how I live my life, they can choose to not be a part of my life. I stood up for me.

This is good. This is me discovering that deep down, I honestly believe that I'm worthy of being treated right. I'm worthy of being treated right not only by those that I allow in my life (discovery moment: I get to choose!) but also by myself. A friend joked a couple of weeks ago about getting me drunk and having I Am Important tattoed on my forehead. I said you'd add the words to others in there, right? He said no because it's more important that you be important to yourself. He's right. I need to matter to me. So, as another friend told me..This is more than a path of self-discovery. This is you learning to take ownership of your own life.

Mamavation Monday: Healing

I'm a day late but I don't care. Isn't that selfish of me? I guess I don't really care about that either. What's important is here is my post. The date at the top or the bottom doesn't matter. It matters that it's here and I'm here.

Not only am I here, but I'm here and I'm healing. I just got back from a weekend in Canada and I honestly had no idea that by driving 14 hours or so round trip, my heart would start to heal. It did though. I just needed time with the people who really and truly love me, who accept me..all of me..and who I can just be with. I don't have to be mom or in charge or anything, I can just be.

Am I making any sense? Honestly, I'm not really sure. My thoughts are scattered today, but the one thing that keeps coming through my head is that I am loved. I know people tell me that all the time, but sometimes..just sometimes..you need to physically feel that. I had that this weekend. I was hugged on Friday. I was hugged so many times on Saturday. I was hugged on Sunday. I was hugged on Monday. Those hugs were a healing catalyst. They reminded me that I'm not alone in this world. All I have to do is reach out and people are there.

Not just any people, but my family. We all know that the family given to me by blood is ..well...not the healthiest thing in my life. With the distance and everything over the course of the past year, I'd cut off a piece of myself and locked it away. I'd convinced myself I didn't need this anymore. Being back with my family, the family I was blessed to have found during another period when I felt alone, woke up that part of me. I need that part of me. I need to be all of me, not just parts of me..not just the parts that people find socially "acceptable".

So while this post might seem disjointed, it's only because ...well, a part of me has woken up and I'm filled with huge amounts of emotion today. This time, however, it's not negative. It's..well like rainbows and sunshine are filling me from the inside out. I left a piece of me behind in Ontario, but what I brought back is so much more. It's as if each of those hugs came together to form some sort of...love shawl and I can feel it wrapped around me. It's holding me tight and it's keeping me safe as I heal from the damages that have happened.

I am so beyond blessed to have some seriously amazing people in my life and today, I celebrate being a part of life. Today, I am loved as I was yesterday and so many yesterdays before that. Thank you, my friends and my family for reminding me of who I am...and ..well, for making me human again. Thank you, Rob..for pointing out just how far I'd slipped. It was good to be home.

Mamavation Monday : Stuck in my Head

For the past three days, I've had a song stuck in my head. At first, I didn't mind. It was an amusing little song and I wasn't doing anything that required my brain to work all that hard on anything else.

This morning, I woke up and the song was gone. I didn't mind because I have 2-3 blog posts that I write on Mondays and it's much easier to write when my mind is clear. Then, I answered my phone and someone..I won't name names though he knows who he is..mentioned the song. It was ok. It still wasn't stuck in my head..yet. Then, I asked him what he thought I ought to write about here because I was drawing a blank. His response? The name of that blasted song. Now, it's stuck in my head on never ending repeat.

Does this ever happen to you? Do you get something stuck in your head and you just can't seem to get rid of it? It happens to me quite a bit. It's not just songs. Sometimes it's a phrase that I hear over and over again. Sadly, that phrase is rarely something positive. It's usually..You can't because ...or Nobody takes you seriously...or What makes you think you can do.... Just like a song on never ending repeat, I hear those words over and over again in my head.

What makes it stop? I do. I've found that after a while, I get tired of the negative voices and I start an internal dialogue that goes something like this:

NV (negative voice): "What makes you think anyone will take you seriously?"
Me: "So what if they don't? They certainly won't if I listen to you and don't even try."
NV: "They're going to laugh at you. You'll be a big joke."
Me: "I'd rather be a joke than an unknown. We all have to start somewhere."
NV: "You should start by realizing this won't work."
Me: "You should start by being quiet. I'm doing this. I can and will do this. If I fail, then I fail. At least I tried. Nothing gets done by doing nothing."
NV: "Fine, but don't say I didn't tell you."
Me: "Fine. Now go away. I have work to do."

Yeah, it's not always the most adult conversations that occur inside my head. That's ok though. What matters is I tell negative me to go take a nap so that I can accomplish what I want to accomplish. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I may not be someone that everybody knows but I'm someone special to some pretty great people. I don't need to be a big name blogger to make a difference. I just need to be me. I just need to take those babysteps to follow my dreams. I can do this and so can you.

Mamavation Monday : Light Bulb Moments

This is the battle inside my head on a daily basis. I know that I'm not alone in this battle. There are very few people who don't have that niggling little negative voice that pops up from time to time. Yet, over top of that voice, we hear a stronger voice that says I can do it. I can and I will and I am.

I'm going to confess right off of the top. This post isn't about weight loss by itself. It's about life. It's about your life. It's about my life. It's about a life of I can instead of a life of I can't. It's about how I, average girl, suddenly realized that I'm not just average, I'm amazing. I am me.

I've spent a lot of this new year in self exploration mode. I've sat back and I've looked at my life and heard all those little voices saying, "You can't have any better. This is what you have." I then looked at them and said you know what? To hell with you. I can do what I want. I can be what I want.

At the first of the year, I started a Facebook group. I never thought this group would be anything. It was just a group for a few people to work on cleaning and organizing challenges over the course of the year. As of this morning, that group has 78 members. We grew to that many in less than a month? Why? Well, there's the obvious that people need support and people can be messy and unorganized. There's another really good reason though. I believed enough in myself and my system that people signed on. Then, those people believed enough in me that they invited their friends. Now, 78 of us are putting our homes together one yay spot at a time. All because I said to myself I can.

Today, I had another of those moments. In May, I plan on attending a comic con in Phoenix. In February, I intend on applying for media passes to attend that event. I planned on this yet thought, "There's no way they'll accept me." Today, I said, "Why the heck not? I write reviews regarding comic books and other things. If I wanted, I could go on air at any point and share about this event."  I am on the media list for not one, but 4 different comic book companies. I may not be Barbara Walters, but I am media.  I can do interviews. I can take pictures. I can use my words.

A month ago, Ben had hamstring surgery on his legs. Last week, he kept complaining that his thighs hurt. It was a mystery until I realized he was having I Can't moments. He can stand up straight now where before he couldn't. In his head, he was still hearing, "I can't stand up tall." This was causing him to crouch which was pulling on those thigh muscles more than need be. I reminded him that he can now stand tall..and you know what? No more hurt thighs.

Our minds are powerful things and too often, we let those negative niggling little voices overwhelm us and we stop. We stop believing in ourselves. We stop moving forward. We just plain stop.

Today, I challenge myself and I challenge all of you. Tell yourself, "I can." I can stand tall. I can lose weight. I can be the best me there is because I am the only me that there is. I can be good enough. More than that, tell yourself, "I am."  I am an amazing and incredible person. I am.

For myself, I will be telling my negative niggling voice to take a hike while I fill my mind with:

I am awesome. I will go to this con. I will look amazing dressed in my costumes. Raven and Kate and Ross and others will be excited to see me and will invite me to events to hang out together. I may not color like Kate or write like Raven, but I am an amazing artist and writer in my own style. They are amazing and I am amazing and amazing should be together.

Edit: For the record, I am still amazing and so is Ross. He's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet and draws one of my favorite characters. He's incredibly talented and I didn't mean to leave him out above. Since I did, I'm making it up by telling all of you, if you have kids...go buy his comic. You won't regret it and your kids will love it. He's so amazing that I have a surprise coming up for him at the above mentioned con.