Monday, February 22, 2021

Weekly Updates: Ho-Hum

 That's pretty much how I'm feeling this morning..ho-hum. Not super happy, not super sad, just kind of meh. I think it's because it's so grey outside on a day where I was expecting sunshine. Plus, I'm worried about Eric. He hasn't spoken to me in three weeks now and I don't know what to do to reach him. I've messaged, I've sucks. He's one of my closest friends and I miss him. I was thinking of sharing their weight loss videos here because they're so fantastic and I think more people should see them. They haven't posted one yet this week, but if they do, I think I'll share it with all of you.

Other than that, life has been pretty much same old. I have been tackling my living room. I'm tired of it being cluttered and looking like a disaster so I started with one side of the room and I'll be moving my way across. I expect it to take a few weeks because I have to work on it in between other things. I'm pleased though with how the one small section is looking so far. By the end of the week, I'll have boxed up and shipped off some stuff that I'm selling which will help even more. Plus, it's a bit more money in the bank which never hurts.

Speaking of which, I need to call and find out how much we owe on Roger's tenor sax. I want to pay it off today if possible. I'm tired of that hanging over our heads. It'll be good to just own it outright and not be tied to them for repairs when we have a preferred place for that kind of thing now. That's just one thing on my to do list for today. Of course, I'd rather curl up and read a book or just about anything versus talking to people about money, etc. 

Tomorrow is my last diabetes education class. I'm glad I went ahead and took them. It helps me figure things out. Of course, it also makes it more obvious when I'm doing something "bad." Ahh well. It's better to know than not. I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday and she's really happy with my numbers. She's having me do another test in 3 months and if that comes out just as good, we can do the blood tests lest often. That's good, but I look forward to the day when maybe I can come off the medication. I swear every single one of them gives me diarrhea and it sucks. It sucks a lot. Still, my health is worth sprinting to the bathroom, I suppose.

Speaking of sprinting to the bathroom....Nah, I got nothing that connects with that. I can't imagine what would unless I suddenly took up running, but in this cold and with the snow, I think I'll pass on that one. For now, I'm going to let all of you go and get started on the icky financial things for the week. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Weekly Updates: Don't it make my brown eyes blue


For those unaware, yesterday was Valentine's Day...a day that is a big deal to some and a regular day for others. For me, I'm somewhere in the middle. I never have high expectations and I don't really want a huge display, but I do want something. It doesn't have to be anything big...a good morning, beautiful, maybe a small gift...that's it.

What did I get? "The man" not only didn't do anything, he didn't even bother to speak to me. My messages went unread until this morning when I got a ? as a response to the fact that he made me cry. I haven't responded to him because I don't know what to say. 

I did get a funny valentine text from Rob which made me smile. Right until I went to Facebook and saw that he'd exchanged lovey ones with another woman. I went to her page and found lovey selfies of them together. That's right. He's keeping another relationship secret from me. He broke his word that he would never, ever do that again. I'm trying not to lose it, but I spent hours crying over this yesterday and I'm crying again over it. It isn't about possessiveness. I don't care if he dates other women so long as it doesn't affect our relationship. It has though...I've noticed his texts are fewer and farther between and less affectionate/intimate. No kisses unless I comment that he hasn't...that kind of thing. I haven't said anything to him either because I don't want this to become a huge blow up. I just want to know why he hasn't been honest with me. It's probably because I didn't react well over his last girlfriend...then again, he didn't handle that well at all. 

I don't know, guys...I'm starting to feel as if the universe believes that I don't deserve good men who will treat me like I need to be treated. I'm not looking for happily ever after, just loyal, good partners. I don't think that's too much to ask for. 

Maybe it would do me good to have some distance from both of them. I doubt they'd understand, but maybe I need them too much. For now though, I have work to do...and maybe next week, I'll have something happy to report. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and maybe she'll have some good news...

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Monday, February 8, 2021

Weekly Update: Updates

 Not the most original title this week, but last week tried to do me in and I'm recovering from that. Some of you may have seen that my father died. I still don't know the official cause of death. Why? Because nobody talks to each other. My sister actually still speaks with the family, but she doesn't know either. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it does. That's an important piece of information, even if just for my own medical history and that of his grandchildren. 

I'm also bothered that he's gone. No longer is there any hope that someday he would open his eyes and realize the disservice that he did to his children and grandchildren. There's no chance now of me ever having a father and that sucks. Also, finding out while sitting in a hospital gown waiting to be stabbed by a machine also sucks. Nothing like already being vulnerable. That's no one's fault, it's just how it happened.

In better news, the biopsy came back negative. I may have funky boobs, but I don't have cancer. That's such a huge relief. I literally felt a weight lifting off of me when I found out. After such a rough week (his death, all the medical things, and ending up throwing up the following morning), it was good to get some happy news.

Sadly, I couldn't share that with one of my closest friends. Eric is mad at me and hurt by me. It was anything but intentional, but when I wrote about his weight loss project with his best friend last week, he felt I made him look like a dick. God, I never meant for that to happen. He's one of the greatest guys I know; one of the few that I actually trust. He hasn't looked at my messages or spoken to me in a week and I don't know what to do about it. I apologized because I've never thought of him as that type of person and trust me, I know that type of person. I was envious of the support that him and his friend (also a great guy) have for one another. I don't really have that kind of accountability. I never meant for me being envious to make him sound like a bad person. In fact, I eagerly watched their second video this morning because I'm so damn proud of him and what he's doing. If you want to check it out, it's on YouTube. I miss him and I hope he reads my messages or this and realizes that I never meant to hurt him. 

As for that accountability...Well, I'm holding myself accountable the best that I can. I dropped some more weight, making total lost 14.4 pounds so far. It's coming off pretty slowly because I can't do a no carb diet. I have to take in at least 14-18 carb servings a day to balance my blood sugar. On top of that, I have a really small grocery budget and I'm still learning to meal plan around both of those things. Today I have to do a carb tracking sheet to turn in at my diabetes education class tomorrow night. I forgot and now have to play a bit of catch up. My diet is pretty much the same every day though so it shouldn't be too tough. 

Someone said they're hoping that I post recipes that I found to be delicious so I'm considering adding that in from time to time. Right now, I'm using prepared foods to work on serving sizes and the like. Still, I used to like to cook so maybe that'll be a good challenge for me. For now though, it's time to get myself working on some client work because I essentially took last week off. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Current weight: 306.6 pounds

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Thoughts on My Father

 Yesterday, as I sat in a private room, draped in a gown, I got a text from my sister. She never texts me so I knew something was wrong. It turns out that my father died yesterday morning. I'd love to say that I burst into tears or had some "normal" reaction, but I didn't. I was pretty much numb to the whole thing. I spent every spare minute after trying to sort out my feelings...

Justin says that I don't need to try to untangle all of it, that he wasn't really a good part of my life so it's not surprising that I don't really feel anything. I do feel things though...

I feel sadness that he wasted 44 years of my life and 20/21 years of my children's lives by choosing not to make any kind of effort to be a part of them. Oh sure, he would pop up from time to time but he wasn't a regular part of our lives or even really a parent of any kind. He wasn't someone I could turn to and that makes me sad.

I feel anger because I've had to separate myself away from that side of my family because he was so toxic and make it so I didn't feel as if I could trust any of them. After all, "your father's family likes to drink and smoke (pot)." That wasn't an environment to bring up my children in and that put an even larger wedge between us because he thought that I thought I was too good for them. Not too good, I just wanted better...and to have ever had to defend that makes me angry.

I laid in bed last night and was thinking about the last time that I saw him. It has to be 9 years ago now or so. The boys and I were in my parents house, down in their living room. We had spent the day cleaning out my grandmother's house and my mother reluctantly let us spend the night at their house so that they could get my help the following day. I should point out that this is after she insisted we bring our own food because she wasn't going to feed us. I should also point out that I brought over enough really nice chicken breasts to feed everyone and they were mad at me because I didn't know how to use their grill to also prepare them for everyone. Yep, you read that right. She insisted I not only bring food, but I prepare it for everyone. Anyway, the food was ready and we three were waiting in the living room for my mother, father, and brother to get their food so there'd be room for me to make plates for myself and the boys. There was a pass through window between the two rooms and we sat there as my father said horrible things about I was lazy, a user of people, and I don't even remember what else. It upset my children and it hurt me badly. My uncle had to "bribe" me to spend the night there so that he could get my help the next day. Of course, the next day, he didn't come through on his word and I discovered Roger had picked up head lice from their house. 

But that was the last time I really remember seeing my father. I expect that he was at my grandmother's funeral, but that day is kind of a blur. All I remember was that my children and I stood by ourselves before the funeral and were essentially ignored.

My father had ample opportunities to make any kind of effort. I haven't moved in eleven years. My phone number hasn't changed in basically that long. I'm on social media. He had numerous ways that he could have reached out. I can almost hear his family saying, "You could have reached out too." Yes, I could have but why should I have? He was the one who caused the damage. He was the one to start hurting me from the time I was a toddler and he let his girlfriend beat me and I'm pretty sure almost drown me in the bathtub. I have ptsd that stems from that and I've had to work hard to not have certain things freak me out. 

So, how do I feel now that he's gone? Sad, tired (so tired), angry...but mostly, I feel empty. There's a hole where a father should have been yet never has been and now never will be. Perhaps his three other children will mourn him, but I think I did my mourning in bits and pieces over the past 44 years. I don't have anything more to give him. As I said when I decided to go to my diabetes education class last night instead of staying home...He didn't take care of me in life, certainly won't in death so it's up to me to do what's best for me. 

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