Weekly Update: 2 Days

Monday again! I'd ask how this keeps happening, but we kinda know. I'm tired this morning. The kittens didn't follow me up to bed last night and I decided that meant I'd get a good night's sleep. Nope. Mina started attacking my leg/foot at around 3:45 am. I ended up sleeping the rest of the night on the couch because I had to come downstairs to use the bathroom and then was too tired to climb back upstairs. Not the most comfortable or energizing of rests, but better than nothing.

I'm trying to remember back over the past week to see if there's anything I need to write about. DHS denied me for food stamps again. They claim I didn't send in the required paperwork (total lie) and that Roger isn't an eligible college student. They also added my oldest back on and then said he wasn't eligible because he no longer lived with me. Well yes, that's why I removed him like a year ago. I don't know that I have the energy to fight with them about this. It's like they're going out of their way to lie and not be helpful.

I'm concerned about my income now, of course. I have a project on my desk, but I've already been paid for it. I don't have anything else lined up for after that. That's scary. It means not knowing how I'm going to eat, put gas in my car, or basically do anything. I'm trying to have faith that it'll all work out, but ugh. Of course, my brain immediately makes the jump to how I'll pay for Christmas. I swear it works hard at worrying about things that are months down the road.

Speaking of roads...nice segue, right? The other thing that my brain is hung up on is moving. I know that I'm going to have to in a couple of years, but my brain seems to think that now is a good time to worry about how I'll make that happen and where I'll be moving to. Part of me just wants to stay here. Then I remind myself that if I stay here, I'll be having to take the house down to studs to get the electrical fixed. Ugh. I really thought I'd be moving somewhere closer to Baltimore but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it won't be like I was promised. Of course, there's the option of moving back to Buffalo. That would put me close to Rob which would be nice. Of course, Roger reminded me that it'd mean moving further from them. He said he was joking, but I wonder if there isn't a lick of truth in there. I know that Ben sometimes worries about me moving away.  I doubt there's a way to make everyone happy.

Speaking of happy...yes, I'm going to use that again...It's just two days until my birthday. I wrote last week about how anxious that makes me. I guess I've had my meltdown over it because today it's barely bothering me. Of course, that's because I've barely thought about it. I still have no plans. I'll probably work, watch tv, watch some Twitch streamers, and that's about it. I think I'll have one present to open, but that's it. Nobody has asked me for my address or a wish list or anything. It makes me sad but what can you do? At least I know I won't be raped this year for my birthday like I was for my 30th. Do you know that sometimes I still look that guy up on social media? That's some weird ptsd stuff there, huh? Mostly if I type his name into Google it just comes up with Harry Potter sites though which kind of amuses me.

Let's see, what else? I wrote a few more stories for my upcoming book which is awesome. I'm still excited about the book which is really good. I have at least fifteen more stories to write though so it's going to be a bit before it's completed. My goal is to take it to Kickstarter in February so I have time, but we all know how fast time can slip by so I need to keep working on it. I have no idea what's happening with book 3 of The Tether Saga. Nick told me over a month ago that he was going over his notes for it, but if he did, he never sent them to me. I know he's busy with Awakenings, but it's been almost a year. I'm sure people have flat out given up on this book. In truth, I pretty much have too.

Oh! A bit of nice...Roger came over and he helped me some with the house. The kitchen floor is now cleared, the litter boxes have all been changed out, and the living room had some good progress made. It's mostly a matter of books being tumbled out everywhere. If I can get that under control and the bathroom cleaned this week (it's in progress), I can let the owner know that the kitchen floor is disappearing...well, so soft that you could fall through if you aren't careful. I'm not looking forward to that (severe landlord anxiety), but I also can't be falling through the floor and it's not as if I caused the leak or whatever has led to this.

So, I think that's that. Nothing new to report with Rob. He's gone quiet but now that he's healing, he's back to being someone who must keep busy at all times. We're alike and opposite in that. I need to be busy, but I also badly need contact with people and am happy at home. He needs to be busy and through his work, he automagically gets contact with people so he's always on the go. It's not personal, just how it is. I'm trying not to be desperately needy and I think he's just living his life. That sounds kinda cold, doesn't it? Maybe because I have a severe out of sight, out of mind feeling about other people...as in if I'm not in front of them somehow, they're not thinking about me. I'm sure he thinks of me sometimes, but doesn't feel the need to be in daily contact. Does that sound nicer? I hope so because I'm not trying to paint him as a jerk.

Anyway, long post again but that's healthy for me. It lets me get stuff out of my brain. I hope that those few who do read keep coming back and that these posts somehow help you too. Until next week...or I need to write again...

Weekly Update: I'm Lonely

I've probably titled a blog post this before, but I have a bit of a headache and I'm just not feeling creative with the titling today. Hopefully that clears out because I'm hoping to do a bit of writing later today, after I do a bit of working.

I'd say the past week has been pretty good. I haven't heard from Rob in a couple of days, but I'm not surprised. I don't think that he's necessarily pulling away, more just being him. It's been a long time since when we'd speak every day. I miss it, but I know that's not where he's at anymore. Hell, I miss "the man" talking to me every day but that seems to be a thing of the past too.

The reality is, and I know I've said it before, but I'm lonely. With the boys having lives of their own and almost never being here, I'm alone far too much. I miss Rob a lot and how we used to talk and joke around. I miss "the man" and how he used to tell me I'm smart and beautiful and how we would just talk. Now he's always busy and I suspect part of that busy is with someone else. Our relationship has always been an open one, but we said we'd be upfront and honest if anyone else came into the picture. He hasn't been, but it's been pretty obvious for a while now that there's someone else.

But, either way, I'm lonely and covid is just making it worse. I can't go and see either of them or anyone else. NaNoWriMo is going totally online this year and while Zoom calls are great, they're just not the same as being in the same place as other people. Ben and I go out to eat sometimes and while maybe we shouldn't, it gives me a tiny feeling of normalcy and of being around people. Right now all of my socialization comes from taking Ben to his physical therapy appointments. Tomorrow is his last one of those.

Other than that, I'm home alone all of the time. It weighs on me. I feel trapped. Sometimes I just cry. There's nothing really wrong. I just feel so alone. It's hard to feel motivated when sometimes you have no hope that this will ever end.

I went to a virtual birthday party last night. Honestly, I wasn't sure that I wanted to because I knew I'd probably only know the host and so many of his friends are doing amazing things. I don't feel as if I fall under the "cool enough" category. I went though because my loneliness overwhelmed my social anxiety. It was okay. People were friendly and I was only chastised once. I didn't walk away feeling better though. When it was over, I knew I'd probably never speak to these people again. No bonds were formed. I miss the intimacy of close friendships. I don't know how to have that when those few that are close to me are busy having lives of their own and not struggling like I am.

It used to be when I felt like this, I would pack up my laptop and I'd go to the library or the pie place and I'd spend all day there just being around people and writing. With covid, that's not an option. I cannot believe that I'm sitting here crying while I'm writing this. I feel like if anyone ever reads this they're going to tell me to pull it together and stop being ridiculous.

The truth is though that I'm still scared of Rob. I'm afraid he's going to disappear or not answer if I text him. I'm afraid he isn't the Rob that I half fell in love with over and over again. I'm afraid to reach out to him because what if he hurts me. This whole emotional thing is exhausting. Like everyone else, I just want life to be normal again. I'm pretty sure that part of my brain spends most of its days worrying that it'll never be that way again. I know it won't be for me. My boys are grown, they're living their own lives, and can't/don't take time for their mom. This is normal. I've done such a good job that they don't fear their independence and that's a good thing.

I tell people that I love living in the village...and it's true, but I don't have any friends here. I don't have any family. I've thought about moving closer to friends or "the man" but I'm scared. The last time I did that, it didn't go so well. The "friend" who rented me a tiny apartment in his house turned out to not be my friend at all, just someone who wanted my money and thought he could use whatever of mine he wanted whenever he wanted. He'd just walk into my apartment whenever he wanted. So, it's left me gun shy. What if I move somewhere where I'm close to someone I love and they act like I'm not even there.

I feel like I'm becoming more and more high maintenance as a friend. I need attention. I need someone who gets excited when I come up with a new project and I'm excited. I need someone to share things with and right now, I don't feel as if I have that. Justin tries, but he's so busy with his life that we don't really talk. He hasn't called me in months. I miss talking to him.

Like I said...I just feel very alone and miss "my" people so much right now. I wrote two stories this weekend for my new book and it's such a big deal to me. "The man" told me to keep writing, Justin read them and gave me good feedback, and I didn't even tell Rob. I guess because I posted it on social media...but he hasn't looked at my social media in years. I use these three men as an example simply because they're the three people closest to me. I don't expect my kids to get excited.

I dunno. Covid sucks. We all know this, but I guess I'm just realizing the toll that it's taking on my mental health. It's a toll that I'm not sure that I can pay and I wonder of the long term consequences. Do me a favor...look in on those who spend their lives alone. Don't get so caught up in how you're not lonely because you have a partner or co-workers that you forget those of us who don't have that. I can guarantee that I'm not okay. We all need a certain level of being connected to others and having that severed is so hard.

Still, I don't want to leave this post 100% depressing, so a challenge I've often given my oldest...
3 good things:
1. I wrote two stories on the new book.
2. The board I shoved in my couch is preventing me from sitting in the springs.
3. Apollo and Mina seem to be adjusting well.

I'll stop there and let the few of you who read this get back to your week. I hope it's an amazing one.

Weekly Update: Monday again?

It seems like we just had a Monday and here we are back with another one. I'm super sleepy and super sneezy today. I'm sure that the two aren't connected but if they are, I'm going to go take a nap.

Man, I wish I had a great segue with speaking of naps... but I don't. I do have a Roger here though which is nice. I really wish he were staying longer than just until tomorrow. It hurts knowing that he's not going back to campus but doesn't really want to stay here either. He says it's because the dryer doesn't work and the shower is always cold. I can't argue that. It's true. I'm hoping to get a repairman out for the dryer once I finish this next project. As for the shower, something keeps tripping the circuit that the water heater is on. That's something that the owner will have to deal with which means that I need to keep dealing with the house so I can make that happen.

I guess that leads to the past week. I struggled some with being removed from Indie Volt. They didn't even talk to me about it, they just didn't send me the link to join the show. I wasn't surprised, but I was hurt. The owner and I have supposedly been friends for years. Four days before I made the post about working with anyone affiliated with a hate group, we drove two hours to his kid's birthday party and hung out all day. Now, he's making digs about me on his show and/or letting others do the same thing. One of his hosts unfriended me on social media, the other tried to take a few swings at me on my own post. It's disheartening to realize that people you thought were good people aren't really good people at all. The whole thing made me really sad.

There were other bits of drama...like a creative team that I worked with telling the publisher that my lack of communication was part of the reason they were pulling their book from being published by them. I gave these guys every possible way to reach me, including my phone number. They never used it. I really don't like being thrown under the bus like that.

Speaking of sad...(yeah, I had to use that.) I sold my flute yesterday. I hadn't made a really solid effort to do so because part of me felt guilty. My grandmother bought it for me when I was in high school and even though it wasn't something I enjoyed playing (open hole) and it had no real monetary value (low-end instrument), she had bought it for me. Then, I remembered what it was like clearing out her house when she got sick. I don't want that for my kids. There's no reason to hold onto things that you don't love. She wouldn't feel bad that I sold it to a young woman who was insanely excited to receive it. I have to say that her excitement did make me smile. She was so grateful that I was selling it to her.

I wish all people were as awesome as she was. I've been trying to get rid of three totes full of craft items for months. There has to be close to $500 worth of items between the three totes. I listed them all three totes for $30...then $20...nothing. I listed them for free and I've had at least ten people ask about them. One went so far as to ask if I'd deliver them to her for free. That was a big solid no. First of all, I doubt they'd all fit inside my car. Secondly, at least offer $5 for gas...

Anyway, someone is supposed to pick those up in about ninety minutes. Hopefully she shows up. It's going to hurt to let them go that way, but at least I'll be reclaiming a chunk of my front porch. I keep reminding myself that space has value as does the peace that I feel looking at something tidy and not all junked up. My front porch totally feels all junked up right now. So does my house so I'm going to be trying to work on that at least a little bit each day.

Man, I am terrible at transitioning topics today but I'm just going to pretend that since they're all about me, that's okay. I've been neglecting me...or maybe disrespecting me is a better phrase for a bit. The other night, I cracked open a brand new notebook and I wrote a list of 10 things that are important and that I need to be focusing on. Oddly enough, jackassy people didn't make that list. Things like taking the time to read or build Lego (self-care), spending time with my boys (family), and working on my own career did. Building myself an emotionally healthy atmosphere also made the list. It's a good list and one that I can go back to when things feel like they're spiraling. I can go back and say...what's really important? and then focus on that.

For now though, I need to go log a new project and get some work in on the current one. Keep being amazing, my friends, and taking care of yourselves.

Weekly Update: God What a Week

God, what a week. Monday was okay, I guess...Well, no, it wasn't. On Monday, we realized that we didn't think Mittens was eating. We couldn't be 100% sure though. On Tuesday, when I couldn't coax her to eat wet food or tuna, I knew we had a problem and I called the vet. They were booked, but the vet herself called me back around 7pm that night. She offered to leave out antibiotics or I could bring her in the following morning. My gut said to take her in, so I did. I haven't really told anyone what happened and I know this is going to make me cry, but ...

When we got there, the assistant directed me to take her and wait under the gazebo. They don't allow humans inside the practice right now. A few minutes later, the vet came out and took her back to take her temperature. Just a few minutes passed before she came out and told me that Mittens had lost over half her body weight since they'd seen her just two years before. I knew she'd lost weight, but she's always been so dainty that I didn't realize it was that bad. She told me we could do blood tests, iv fluids, but there was only one or two things that she may recover from and she'd have to be treated for the rest of her life. I asked if we gave her fluids (she was severely dehydrated), how long before we'd know if they were helping. The vet told me that if I was planning on putting her to sleep if they didn't work, she'd rather I just do it then instead of having Mittens last day being poked and prodded. I knew then that there was no hope...my heart shattered when I told the vet that that's what we should do. She went in, gave her the shot, and then brought her back to me in her carrier. We sat there under the gazebo, the wind blowing softly, and her head bumping my hand for loves right until she passed. The vet came out and wrapped her in a baby blanket before taking her away. I went to my car and tried not to sob while it took both assistants to figure out how to bring me the flea meds that I needed for the other cats. Then, I went to Dairy Queen, got a cherry slush and cried my way back home.

That afternoon or maybe it was Thursday, a friend approached me about what had happened on a webshow that I'm often part of (or was..I suspect that's very over). He didn't know how to handle it and was super sweet about not wanting to bother me with it, but as we're both in the same line of work, it affected me too. My brain was mush from grief but I felt as if I had to make a stand. I posted a long post to Facebook that basically boiled down to "If you're an asshole, I won't work with you." I never called out anyone, said anything about the webshow or any of its hosts. It really wasn't about them. It was about me. It was about my career. It was about standing up for what's right. Hate groups, no matter the direction of the hate, aren't right. If you know me, you know hate isn't even in my vocabulary. It's an alien concept to me. I can't understand why anyone would hate anyone just because they're different.

I wish it had ended there. It didn't. People commented, mostly in support. One or two seemed thinly veiled but I let them go. I got private messages. One was from the guy who runs the network the webshow is on. He asked who had pushed me to write what I wrote. I told him it didn't matter, that I'd said what I'd said and I'd stand by it. I did tell him that there was some concern with one of their hosts. He defended the host. His choice. At this point, I was already unable to focus, half unable to form sentences due to the loss of Mittens and the ugliness that was rearing its head. I was leaning heavily on a couple of friends who were seeing what was happening.

I announced that I was slowly going to bring back Geek-o-Rama, a site that I've ran for over 8 years and got a not even slightly veiled slap out at me. It hurt. I won't lie. I had people who I considered friends turn on me. Why? Because I said I wouldn't work with assholes. If you don't know, there are a lot of assholes in the comics community. Some belong to a group called Comicsgate. I won't get into their details, but they're a hate group. Some who belong...well, it makes no sense, but they're like lambs to the slaughter or something.

Anyway, it was too much for me. I was crying constantly. I was angry. I was exhausted. Then, Friday night, just when I was praying it was all over and I was going to go to bed, a bat started swooping around my living room. I opened the door to let it out and two of my cats ran out. It was midnight. I couldn't find them in the dark. Hell, I was on my front porch in a tank top and underwear trying to get them back in. I finally did go put pants on. After 90 minutes, I managed to get both cats inside and locked up in the bathroom. I said fuck it to the bat and went to bed, shutting the 3rd cat with me in my bedroom. A few hours later, I woke up to find one of the bathroom cats laying on me. My door appeared to be shut. I honestly thought I had snapped, that I had lost my mind. I kept looking at him, looking at the door, trying not to freak out...and after a few minutes got up, realized my door was not latched, went downstairs to go to the bathroom and discovered the other two sitting on the table. Somehow they'd managed to open the bathroom door and then my bedroom door.

Yesterday, I woke up with a splitting headache and spent most of the day curled up in bed, sleeping. There was some more crap, but honestly, at this point, I don't even remember because it was three solid days of ugly. Ugly people...I kept thinking of Caliban and how he used to talk about how people would throw shit at you. Today, I still slept quite a bit but I'm happy to say that the headache is gone. I did have a run in with stupid though. Nick Gibson unblocked me so that he could refund me the $15 that I spent on his Kickstarter (see previous post about trouble in the industry). When I told him that I didn't accept money through Facebook, he told me too bad and that now me and my cronies could stop harassing him. The word cronies was quite the hit when I posted the screenshot. People wanted to know how they could become a crony. So much so that it's spawned a Facebook group for fans of me. I couldn't help but laugh at that one. While there are some serious assholes in the industry, there are just as many amazing people.

Now, I'm days behind because of all of this..and I probably still need a good and proper cry. I forgot to mention that DHS determined that I make too much money to get less than $200/mo in food stamps. I made $7600 in 9 months. It's insane and one more level of stress to deal with, but since they only work 9am-3pm, it'll have to be dealt with another day.

Right now, I need a good cuddle in the man's arms and a chance to unwind...since the first won't be coming for god knows how long, I'll just have to put in another movie and try to relax...

Weekly Update: Soooo Sleepy...

I think that I forgot that socializing takes energy. On Saturday, Roger and I drove two hours to attend the birthday party of the son of some friends of mine. We were there for hours, socializing and hanging out. Yesterday, I took two naps. Today I just want to either go pick up our kittens (more on that in a bit) or nap. I don't want to work. I don't want to be productive. I just want to lay here.

Now...kittens...Some may know that about 19 months ago, I had to have my cat, Byron, put to sleep. That boy was my best friend. I've not really gotten over him being gone. We have four other cats, one of which I got after he passed. I've not had any real desire to get more. After all, doesn't five cats make you a crazy cat lady? Then, someone I know posted about how they had a mama barn cat that had gotten hit by a car, leaving five black kittens behind. They brought them into their house and were taking care of them until they were ready to find homes. I felt my heart getting all soft and mushy. I have a weakness for kittens. I have a bigger weakness for black kittens. Byron was all black and the best cat I've ever had. I decided that I wanted one of these kittens. I didn't tell anyone for a couple of weeks. I thought maybe I could talk myself out of it. I couldn't. So, I told my youngest. He seemed okay with it. I told a close friend who said he thought it was a good idea. Even my oldest just kind of sighed. Then, I thought maybe I should get two...they're already bonded and I'm not sure if my older cats will want to play, etc with little ones. Roger agreed so long as certain things were done around the house before I went to get them.

I'm not going to lie. I paid him and his brother to get those things done. Well, I paid Ben and he helped. I've paid Roger and he's mostly watching YouTube videos on my tv. He needs to get up and get stuff done. I heard from the guy with the kittens today and it sounds like they're ready to go, but his wife's dad is dying so he's not pushing her on rehoming them. I get that. I wish he'd just tell her that he has someone coming to pick out a couple of them and then I could go get them. As it is, they took in two abandoned kittens last week. That's a minimum of seven kittens in their house. I don't know if they have other pets. Seven kittens is a lot of chaos.

Anyway, that's the kitten thing. As for me...I'm super tired, super want to take a nap, and am feeling a bit down but nothing like I was. I hope that's a good sign that things are looking up. I guess only time will tell...

Weekly Update: Reclaiming Me

This will have to be a short post, I'm afraid. I have to leave soon to go do something that's just for me. I have an appointment this afternoon to get my hair cut. I never cut my hair. I leave it long because "the man" likes it and I mostly don't care. It's been long most of my life. After today's appointment, it won't be. I'm having at least 6-8 inches taken off. When I get depressed, I stop brushing it. There's some natural curl to it so it starts to knot. This time, it'd been months since I brushed it out. It took me an estimated 4-6 hours to brush out all of the knots and snarls. I ask myself why I'm writing this where others can see it...I guess because this is my reality.

It's been no secret that I've been struggling for a while now and I'v decided that if I can't properly care for long hair, I shouldn't be having it. It's not a punishment, more of a self-care item. Not brushing it becomes something very stressful for me. If I cut it shorter, it will be easier to maintainer. Besides, hair grows. It'll get longer again.

After that, I have to go grocery shopping. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks and I have nothing more than a box of cereal to really eat. Time to fix that.

After that, maybe I'll come back and post more here. I'd like to, but we'll see where the day takes me.
----

I'm back! I did it. I walked into the salon and told the woman to have her way with my hair and oh boy, did she! I think she had to have cut 8-10 inches off of it. I'm kind of in love with the new cut though and it's going to be so much easier to maintain. When I shake my head, I feel my hair moving, not acting as an anchor. I don't know if I'll keep it short, but for now, it's fantastic.

If you look close, you can see a comparison of where she'd cut and what was still hanging down in front long.

This is just some of the hair that ended up on the floor when we were all done. I snapped this quick so I didn't get multiple angles or all of the area.

The finished product! Like I said, I kinda love it. I don't know what it will be like without the product in it but I do know that it will be a lot easier to maintain and that I'm also kinda proud of me for just going and doing it. I was nervous, but I knew this would be something good for me and I did it.

Right. Enough about my hair, even if it makes me smile. As you may notice, by the fact I'm actually smiling, things are better today. I have enough work to keep me busy for most of this month and enough money to pay my car tags. Usually when that bill shows up, I panic right up until the last minute. They're not due for about 6 weeks, but once I'm done writing this post, I'm going to pay them. That feels really good.

Let's see...what else is happening? I'm adopting a couple of kittens either this coming weekend or next. I'm not totally sure. I'm waiting for their foster dad to give me a date. He rescued them from his barn when their mum was hit by a car. There are a total of 5 of them but they're planning on keeping two or three of them. Roger says I have to have most of the downstairs cleaned before we go get them so I guess that will be my motivation. I've decided if one of them is male that I'm naming him Aziraphale to keep up with my literary cat namings. If it's female, I have no idea and I have no idea for a second name. I'll come up with something though. I mean it would be weird to not name it...just call it noname cat... Then again, the No Names are my favorite monster in Nick's comics...I don't think the kids would go for it though.

Life feels okay today. I'm slowly digging myself out of the hole that I created for myself and I'm hoping that I can continue to do so without another major backslide. Oh! I forgot to say that I also ordered and picked up my prescriptions today so I can make sure to get back on track with those. Woot! It's another babystep, but an important one.

For now though, I'm going to get some work done while I'm feeling productive. Take care of yourselves and each other, okay?

Weekly Update: Ups and Downs

I wanted to come in here today and tell you that everything is alright, but it's not and I don't want to lie to you or to myself. Things aren't okay. I go outside of the house and it's easy to pretend that they are. I guess having years of experience has paid off. I talk with people and nobody knows that as soon as I'm alone again, it will all come crashing down.

I've cried so much this week. Most of the time I didn't even know why. I find it harder and harder to hold back when I see something that bothers me. Facebook is really hard because I need to not lose it there. I can't call people fucking morons when those are the words in my head. I've posted a couple of posts that were rawer than usual and it's been okay, but there's a difference between people wanting you to be honest with how you're feeling and you putting it right there in their faces. If I can't reign it in, I'm on a crash course to having no career. Sometimes I just have to close my laptop and watch tv...but nothing I need to invest in because I can't pay attention for that long. My show of choice lately has been Law and Order: SVU. It's an hour with a lot of brain breaks (commercials) in there.

Last night was hard. Yesterday was hard for no discernible reason other than my brain hates me...and it's always a little bit worse at night when you're more alone and it's harder to hide from your demons. I came across (by accident) a podcast done by Nick Gibson, the man who had harassed me, who had lied to me. I told myself to leave it alone, but I couldn't. I watched all 42 minutes of it. I screamed at my phone at the lies that he told, at the compliments that the host gave him. When he said that he had intentionally not send out my replacement book and shrugged it off, I stared in shock. I kept telling myself to turn it off, even when I started to cry, but I couldn't. It broke me, but not because of him.

In the grand scheme of my life, he's a nobody. In the comics community, he's less than nobody, no matter what he claims. People aren't flocking to him to buy his books or to tell him how great he is. I've seen his social media. He's invisible. His only true fan is himself and I doubt that he's even that. I doubt he loves himself. So often we treat others the way we have been treated or even how we treat ourselves. Often, it's the way we want to be treated, but I think it's far more one of the first two for him. It's sad really that he's never been shown the proper way to treat people and when he was, he lashed out and abused that.

I've written here before about my rape. I've mentioned my parents and their behavior. When I'm depressed, demons appear that I thought were long gone. This whole thing with Nick was like the key to Pandora's box. It opened it up and suddenly I've been dealing with things that ought to be done and over with. I feel incredibly fragile, as if I could break at any moment. I long for someone to just hold me and tell me that it will be okay, but there's nobody here to do that. I'm on my own. Some have tried to reach out to me and I so appreciate that. In those moments, I feel stronger. I feel as if this won't swallow me whole. They're the reason that I'm not in bed, but instead am on the couch writing this post.

I may be in tears, but I'm still here...

Weekly Update: I think I'm sick

I don't know what's caused it, but suddenly the numbers for this site have massively dropped. Maybe I'm just not very exciting..lol. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for those of you who have stuck around.

This past week has had its ups and its downs. On Tuesday, I released my first book into the world. It seems to have gone pretty well for being a nobody writer and not doing as much hype as I should have. It's weird and exciting to see people posting pictures of the book as they're receiving it. I'm saving all of those pictures so I can use them in the future, even if it's just to show myself that I did it.

Tuesday was also my 5th anniversary with "the man". We didn't do anything for it which was a bit disappointing. I had hoped he'd send a card or a gift or something. Five years feels like kind of a big deal to me, especially with how our relationship is. I still need to get his gift out in the mail. It's sitting here on my couch, just waiting for me to address the box and take it to the post office. I really need to get on that.

Another small down for the week...someone jokingly commented that I need to be the center of attention and it had me in tears. My mother used to say that to me, usually before she slapped me. It's been said that I work a lot in the background and that I do a lot without people ever noticing. Lately though, I've wanted credit for my work and it's stung when I see people liking other people's things, etc but when I do the same thing, it's essentially ignored. I think it's not wanting to be the center of attention, but more wanting to be acknowledged, to feel as if I have value. Anyway, I let one joking comment ruin my entire day as I sat around questioning if I really was/am a horrible person.

I think I've come to realize that I'm in a depressive episode even though I don't feel the down emotions. My house has become a disaster again. Even my youngest pointed out that maybe if I got it cleaned up, I wouldn't feel so bad. I make plans for doing things, but then I can't seem to make myself do them. I actually paid my youngest to help me knock out a couple of bigger projects. He's right. It does help to know that they're done. There's still so much more to get done though and I don't seem to have the willpower to get to it. I get up, I work, I eat, I watch tv, and I sleep. That's essentially my life.

On top of all of that, I'm sick. I don't think it's Covid or anything scary. I have a headache, I'm exhausted, phlegmy cough, watery feeling lungs...sounds like July in Michigan for me. It's made it harder than ever though to get anything accomplished. My plan for today is this post and working. I have to work. I feel as if I'm behind so maybe even though I should just go to bed, I need to keep pushing. Luckily, it's a really good book from a series that I love so it doesn't feel as if I'm slogging through it.

Wow, this post is a total bummer, isn't it? Let's hope that things start perking up and I find my mojo again.

Weekly Update: Ugh...

So when we last left off, I had posted about my experience with Nick Gibson. Life has been interesting since then. I've had people question why I kept talking to him when he couldn't further my career (implying that if he could further my career, I should have put up with it) and I even saw one person calling it a revenge post and possible cyber-bullying. All I can do is shake my head. I wrote the post as a warning to others and since then, I sleep with my doors locked. Yes, I'm afraid of retaliation. After all, he called the police on a friend of mine who vocally criticized him and his actions.

But, I want to move past that. It's just one piece of my life and I don't want to live within it. I said my piece and I'll "happily" talk about it if asked, but my life is continuing onward and I need to move with it. Tomorrow, my book is officially released and I'm full of nerves and excitement. I love this book and I really hope that others do too. I really want for it to do well.

On top of that, the Kickstarter is still running. We need about $1200 to fund and there's 11 days left. I know that it's possible, but it gets nerve wracking. With all of this, I'm amazed that I sleep at night. I do though...even if it takes me a while to fall asleep. I think the cats know because over the past week or so, one of more of them will come to bed with me and curl up where I can reach them to pet them. They can be royal pains, but I love them.

Let's see...what else...I'm busy with work which is good. I'm behind on a client's book which isn't good but I'm hopeful that I can catch up and have it back to him tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow...in the middle of the book launch...Ahh well, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.

I guess that's it. I had a million thoughts before I sat down and then they scattered. I think there's just so much going on this week that I'm having trouble keeping up with myself. I'll get through this though and come out the other side. I may be sweating and clutching desperately at a pen but I'll make it through.

Weekly Update: Monday again?

For whatever reason, I lost track of what day it was and could have sworn that today was Sunday. Turns out that I was wrong...ahh well...I guess that's what happens when your daily routine is so...routine.

I don't really have any grand updates for today. Work is going well. I have 4 books on my desk right now. I'll finish one of them tomorrow. I'm really glad that people are coming to me with their work. I love what I do, even when it's hard for my brain to do it. It's also allowed for me to have a bit more financial freedom. I've been able to keep gas in my car and even splurge by going out for breakfast once in a while. This past weekend it allowed me to buy 9 books from a series that I love and have wanted to own since I was a child. When the owner offered to sell them to me at below what she could get, I wanted to hug her.

Next week, my book comes out and I have to admit that I'm nervous. What if nobody buys it? I so hope that people buy it. I put so much of myself into it. It means so much to me as a writer and as a mom. I've already said I'll have the next book out by December, but it's going to drag me down if this one doesn't sell. I'm not expecting best seller, but I have a dream of selling 100 copies. The ebook is available on pre-order now. I need to remember to order the author copies that I want to give to my illustrator and a few other people. I wish I could give one to Rob, but he's still not talking to me. It still hurts, a year later, that I lost my best friend. I think of him constantly. All I can do though is keep moving forward the best that I can.

Speaking of moving forward, the kickstarter is edging closer to funded. It still has a long ways to go and I'm nervous that it won't fund. Nick takes it so personally when they don't. I need to come up with some creative ways to spread the word and hopefully get some more eyes on it. I'm not really good at that sort of thing, but I do need to try. Tristan and the gang are like my own characters. I've been with them so long and their story deserves to be told. I already pledged so I hope others do too.

All of this promoting, combined with the weather, and who knows what else still has me totally exhausted. I sleep for at least 12 hours and then often take a 3 hour nap. It's frustrating and I wish I knew why I was bone tired all the dang time. I have no energy for anything. There's lots to do but I'm just not doing it. I'm forcing myself to do a podcast here in a bit to try to promote some more. Did I mention that I'm not good at promoting? I do it because Nick doesn't do podcasts and neither does Veronica so far as I can tell. I somehow became the mouthpiece for the group. Plus, nobody else is promoting my book so someone has to do it.

I guess that's it for this week. I did notice that the number of folks reading here has dropped and that makes me the tiniest bit sad but I'm so thankful to those of you who come back week after week to check in with me and see what's up. Please feel free to reach out to me at any time and take care of yourselves.

Weekly Update: So Tired

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's depression or what.  All I do is sleep. Like last night I went to bed around midnight and finally dragged myself out of bed at 1:30pm. I'm writing this 45 minutes later and all I want to do is lay down and go back to sleep. I don't feel particularly down but this is where I am.

I guess I am a little bit overwhelmed. I've reached another stage of everything is breaking. My kitchen floor has dangerous soft spots that we've blocked off with boxes so people don't step there. My couch has developed a hole that sucks the cushion right in. If that's not enough, yesterday, at some point, the front fell off of the air conditioner in my bedroom and snapped off one of the knobs. Now, don't get me wrong, none of these are to the dire stage and they can be handled. It's just a lot to happen all at once, I guess.

Have I mentioned that I'm tired? Ugh. It's actually really annoying. There are things that need doing and I just don't have the energy to even attempt them. Starting today, I'm going to make sure that I'm in bed by midnight. Maybe having a set bedtime will help me regulate things. I honestly don't know.

Being this tired is affecting everything, like writing this post. I have no idea really what to write because all I can think is how I want to just lay down and nap. It's crazy. I know that my body does not require this much sleep. I can only guess that it's some kind of depression because when Roger was here I didn't have this much trouble staying awake. Sure, I was tired, but not to the point of being zombie like.

I guess I'm going to give up on writing this post. Nothing major has happened within the last week except us launching our Kickstarter for the last part of Awakenings. That for sure has added to my feeling of being overwhelmed. My own book comes out in about two weeks and I'm not promoting it at all because I'm promoting the KS. I wish Nick hadn't chosen to overlap them. A small part of me is upset with him because he knew my release date and went ahead. No use dwelling on it though. It is what it is and hopefully we'll fund soon so I can stop thinking about both at the same time.

For now though...I'm going to go post about the Kickstarter and how awesome of a book it is. (It really is.) Take care of you and each other.

Weekly Update: The Evening Edition

Well, it's Monday again. They seem to come so fast. I swear it was just Monday a day or so ago and here it is again. Things are better. I wouldn't say 100% but it only feels half weird to smile now. That's progress. I'm doing well enough that I can work again which is a relief. It was terrible to look at a manuscript and suddenly feel as if I had no idea what I was doing. I ended up going over one book twice and was horrified by the number of things I'd missed when things were at their worst. Now, I'm back on top with that and I've been blessed to have a number of projects come in. I'm currently booked until the end of the month which is super exciting.

My house, on the other hand, is not top of the world. When things were bad, I let things slide. It's amazing how far things can slide in as short of a time as just a couple of weeks. Roger will be here on Wednesday so I'm going to have him take out some trash that I've put together and get the can out to the road for Thursday's pick up. That should help some. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks so it will be nice to have him here. Plus, the weather isn't supposed to be atrocious so he won't melt in his bedroom. If it gets bad, I'll give him my room with the a/c unit and sleep on the couch.

As for his brother, he's still working a lot of hours. He also just registered for his first college class. I'm nervous about it, but I know he'll work hard. Today he also started physical therapy. For those that don't know, he has cerebral palsy and it affects his muscles and tendons quite a bit. He's gotten really tight and has weakness in certain areas. Since today was his first appointment, he asked me to go with him to fill out/explain the paperwork for him. He wanted to make sure they'd be able to read it. The appointment was mostly an assessment and he was sent home with stretches to do each day. I really hope that it helps him. I want him to have things as easy as he possibly can. Starting the first week of July, he'll be going twice a week.

I guess that just leaves me. I have a few books that I want to get started on this week. I'd also like to get at least one room whipped back into shape. I'm co-hosting a show on YouTube tomorrow night. I also need to grocery shop and there's been a request for me to do a "State of the Walmart" address after. My book comes out in a few weeks so I need to promote that. Nick is launching a new kickstarter for Awakenings this week so I'll be promoting that too. And my favorite thing? My new drawers for Lego sorting should be here tomorrow so I can finish sorting out the Lego that I bought over the weekend at a garage sale.

Other than that? A shower would be nice....and trying to forget that my uncle's funeral is tomorrow.

Weekly Update: Numb

Have you ever seen those commercials for Bipolar medication where they talk about how bipolar depression is different? That it can leave a person feeling numb? That's where I've spent most of the past week. Absolutely numb. I don't seem to feel joy, sadness, anything. I've either slept or laid on the couch watching tv. I've not been on social media...and the only ones to notice? My kids. Both have texted or called to see what's up. Nobody else has reached out. If I were feeling anything, that would bother me.

On Friday, I found out that my uncle died. The one that I actually liked until he broke his word to me. I know I should feel something, but I don't. Even if I could, I'd have mixed feelings. The one thing that broke through the numb was the anxiety of attending his funeral. I won't be going. I might send flowers. After all, I'm not a heartless bitch. Not that I owe any of them anything. I don't.

Have you ever wanted to smile but it felt wrong or unnatural? I'm dealing with that too. I watched react videos last night and I'd have these little tugs of smiles but they were mere flashes. They felt uncomfortable.

On top of everything, I ran out of grocery money two weeks ago. That's what I get for shopping like a normal person and not someone poor as hell. I managed to stretch things out until the end of the week but since then I've been eating one meal a day and mostly because I make myself go and pick something up. Subways 2 for 1 subs have come in handy. I'm spending money I shouldn't but it's that or starve. The grocery store is 15 miles away and I need gas in my car. Again, I feel like I should feel something about this...worry...something...but I don't. It's just four more days until I have grocery funds again. I had 3 oreos (found a package in my car that I forgot I bought for the boys) and some water for breakfast.

I should work today. I made a to do list yesterday, but the reality is that there's not much point. I'd end up redoing it all anyway. Honestly, just turning on my laptop felt like a big deal today. I don't really want to be behind it. I want to just lay down again. If my bladder didn't insist, I don't know that I'd get out of bed. I guess it's good that I have no desire to wet the bed...I care about that much.

Sleep is hard at night. My brain relives every bad thing that it can think of. They don't hurt...because I'm numb, but it's hard to sleep. The past couple of nights it's been how the three men that I've loved most in my life all moved on and are with other women. They're all happy. I'd think about the happy times and then the moments when they'd betrayed me. It's an ugly place inside my head. Maybe that's why I then sleep during the day...often until 4pm or later. I'm protecting myself from myself.

Anyway, I wish I had better things to say, but the reality is that I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than to force some normalcy into my world. Everything became just too much and I feel wrapped up in cotton wool...perhaps just trying to block out the outside world.

Weekly Update: Better

I can't believe that it's Monday again. I look back over the past week and it seems like nothing happened...maybe that's what's caused the days to blend together. Maybe I should rephrase that. So much has been happening in the US and around the world. Not much has happened in my personal sphere.

I don't really want to get into the country's events. I'll just say that they've horrified me and overwhelmed me. I can't wrap my brain or my heart around what I'm seeing. I don't understand how anyone could treat others with less than dignity and respect. Even living in the middle of nowhere, it's affected me and those around me. My children see it happening and are equally horrified. I have to explain to my special needs son what's happening in a way that he can understand. It's a scary time and I encourage you to stand up, be heard, but also, please be as safe as you possibly can.

As for personally? Let's see...last Tuesday Ben and I went to see his orthotist who repaired his afos for him. So, after probably four to five months, he's back wearing those. He starts physical therapy later this month and I truly hope that it helps him. His muscles have tightened up and he really needs for them to loosen up some.

Wow...was my week really that dead? I worked on a new client's book. It was tougher than usual because the humidity and everything going on was just sucking the focus out of me. The village decided to replace all the drain pipes on my block so that was fun. For a couple of days I had an 8' trench in front of my house and across my driveway. Today they were out packing down the dirt and it's so dry that I honestly went outside concerned that something was on fire. Turns out it was just the dust clouds.

Oh! Something good...I did an interview yesterday and while I have no idea how many people were tuned in, I had a good time and plan to do another one next month just 9 days before my book releases. Speaking of that, in August, I might have an in-store reading/signing. Someone that I know is opening a pop culture collectible store front and he'd like me to come out. I'm a bit concerned with the up front costs involved (table covering, books, print outs, crayons, etc) but I have to dive in at some point and take advantage of every opportunity that comes along. My goal is to do library readings, check into bookstores in the area, and eventually start doing conventions. I have friends who want to table near me which will be fun...of course, none of them are local. Still, what better reason to travel then to spend time with friends and sell a few books along the way?

I guess that's it, guys. I know that this wasn't an exciting update, but it really was a dull yet overwhelming week. The highlight (other than the interview) was taking an afternoon and doing nothing more than building Lego. I could spend a lot of days doing that...

So, for now, take care of yourselves and each other. Stand up for the good and don't tolerate the bad. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be safe....

Weekly Update: Rollercoaster Ride

My god, what a week this past week has been. What a mess our country is. I'm not going to get into all of that because my god, how do you begin to unwrap that? Other than...stop being assholes, people. We all have a right to be who we are and what we are. That's that. Let's try to unwrap my week...

I spent a lot of last week trying not to melt in the humidity that comes with summer around here. Yep, I know, it was/is still spring, but it didn't feel like it. It felt like we just plain skipped over spring. Wearing a mask was miserable, but I did it anyway. Also, I'm happy to report that my almost panic attacks while wearing the mask have lessened. Maybe it's like some sort of forced therapy. Either way, I'd rather wear it than not.

The big news from this past week was that I received the proof copy of my book. I've never been so excited/nervous at the same time, I don't think. Opening it was like ...Christmas morning. I was nervous that it'd be a mess, but it was beautiful. All of the images were in the right spot and look amazing. My friend, Eric, did such an amazing job with them. I actually did a livestream of me opening the package and showing it off. That was fun. Quite a few people popped in and everyone seems to be really excited for me. I hope they're that excited for the book too.

Bonus for the week was that Ben was able to spend the weekend here. We were mostly lazy, but I did get more of my studio done and tackled some of a new client's project. I also got my plants into planters. I didn't buy a lot this year simply because finances won't allow it and Walmart is pretty slim pickings. Still, I have 3 tomato plants (one might not make it. It's pretty sad looking.), a planter with some flowers in it, 2 types of thyme and a sage plant. I may try to dig out the flower bed along the side of the house and see about planting some tulips or something there in the fall. All of the beds are a total disaster and half of my tire planters have trees in them now. I'm not sure what to do about that. It'll probably require hiring a professional to come and take them out. Ick.

Now, on the downside for the week...Well, y'all know what's happened and I won't rehash it. I will say though that it has my anxiety spiking really high. It's hard to sleep because my brain gets in a loop of what ifs. Last night I didn't sleep worth anything and then was woken up around 7:30am because they were working on something out in front of my house. I have no idea what. They're going to be digging up the drain pipe and clearing it out, but I'm in the middle of the block so it makes no sense to start there. Either way, they were loud enough that I didn't get to go back to sleep when I badly needed it. Just have to keep on pressing on, I guess.

Roger will be here soon and I'd like to be about done with work when he gets here, so time for me to sign off for now! If, on the off chance, you'd like to check out my book, there's a pre-order for the ebook up on Amazon now. That and the print version will release on July 14th (which happens to be my anniversary).

As always, talk to me if you need an ear...mine are available...

Weekly Update: Steamy

Holy crow, y'all! We got a whole bunch of rain and now it's hot and steamy. It's too dang early for this! We skipped over Spring and jumped right into summer and I'm not a happy girl. My house is old, has like no insulation and no air conditioning. I've already got our two fans running (our other fans broke) and I'm typing this in the dark. Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of hot, sticky days?

Let's move on to something happier, eh? I had my live reading (via Facebook live) on Thursday evening and while it wasn't a huge turn out (6 consistent, a few others popped in and out), I think that it went really well. I had a couple of people ask when the book is being released and someone said that they thought that I should narrate children's books. That's a pretty nice compliment. So, I'm happy with it. Relieved that I never have to do a "first" one of those again...lol! There's a decent chance that I'll do one more live reading before the book is released, but I haven't totally decided when and what story.

Speaking of live readings though, I've tentatively set up my first in store reading for later this summer. Someone that I know is opening a collectibles shop and wants to do monthly events and is interested in me coming in and reading to local kids. I'd also bring along coloring sheets and crayons for the kids. I think it would be fun so I'm hesitantly looking forward to that.

Let's see...what else? I haven't made a decision regarding the job that I was approached with. I can't see a single reason not to take it, other than...it's not clicking with me. Maybe it's because I want to focus more on writing my own books (and blurbs). My editing business is also doing well right now so I don't want to take away from my clients. I'm still thinking on it though so we'll see what happens.

I do think that I have decided to take on the show on Indie Volt. I'm not quite sure who my guests will be or what the show will be, but it's a good way to get my name out there more. It's something to keep contemplating at least.

Things are okay here. We're all healthy and right now, that's a big deal. I had some drama yesterday with someone who took advantage of my being a helper. I've learned my lesson with him though and he won't be getting any more free work/consultations from me again. It's disappointing when people reveal themselves to be total asses, but they're out there and I happened to trip over one.

As for this week, it's a keep on keeping on kind of week. I have to take Ben to the orthopedist tomorrow and other than that, I'm home and working. I've got books to do for clients and that studio isn't going to finish itself. I also have to go to the post office to mail out some comics and Lego minifigs to folks who lost things in the recent floods. I hope that they bring smiles to people's faces. I'm happy to help in any small way that I can.

Now I think I'm going to make some lunch (something cold!) and then continue working. I think I'll also have to convince my cat that the fan isn't for him and he has to share...

Bonus Post: Freaking Out

Guys, I don't know if it's the caffeine talking or what, but I'm spazzing a bit tonight. As some of you know, I have my very first book (Tales From the Toy Store) coming out this summer. I'm very close to having it completed. I'm just waiting for the illustrator to finish the cover and write up his bio. Then, I insert those and send it off to Amazon where it will be published. After I go over a proof copy, it will be ready for print.

All this is great and exciting...except when it becomes an anxiety fueled "fun fest."  I'm being reminded that comic/geek podcasts won't want me on as guests because what I'm "selling" isn't their audience. This means stepping out of the industry that I've been hiding on the fringes off and trying to find podcasts that are interested in supporting children's authors. I'm sure it's as simple as doing some research, but I'm freaking out about it. The podcasts I could do now are done by friends, people I'm comfortable with.

I'm going into a spiral of oh god, what if I can't find an audience for this book? What if nobody buys it? What if I'm a total failure?

Then, as if that's not enough, tonight I was offered a video podcast of my own if I want it. I could make it about whatever I wanted but it was suggested that I do one where I bring on indie novelists. Create my own space to talk about this kind of thing. I could do it...I could fit it into my schedule...I know a few people I could have on as guests, but what do we talk about? My interviews have always been silly in nature and done in a matter of minutes. Could I somehow take that concept and make it a popular show segment? I don't know.

Did I mention that I was approached by someone about taking a job this summer writing blurbs for other people's books? This is something I profoundly am not good at...okay, I'm mediocre at it, I just like to think I suck. I was assured though that they would train me to write them in the style that they use. It's not as if I can't learn. It's not as if I couldn't use the money. My business is doing okay, but I'm always looking for new projects and new clients for during the quiet times.

So much feels as if it's flying at me all at once and while none of it is bad, it's a bit overwhelming and I don't know what to do. I'm frozen from making decisions or progress. I really don't like when I get this way. I'm sure that y'all understand. It's also bedtime but because I'm wound up, I won't sleep.

Anyway, tomorrow is the next big day for my book. I'm going to be doing a live reading of the first story that I wrote for the book. It also happens to be the first story in the book. I'm worried that nobody will be there. How can I raise excitement if nobody listens? See what I mean? Spiral. I can't let myself do this. I need to pull it together and make some decisions. I need to find my way through this.

I need for this book to do well. I'm not looking for NYT best seller. I'm looking for sells more than 50 copies. 100 copies would be a dream come true. It would be proving to myself that I could do this. It would be proving to me that I really am a writer and a good one. I want to write for the rest of my life and it starts with this book.

Deep breathes...I can get through this and tomorrow will be a new days to start making new steps, right?

Weekly Update: Rain, Rain, Go Away

Whew! It's been raining and raining and raining. My neighborhood is flooded. My yard never floods and the side yard is standing water. Luckily, we don't have a functional basement (we have a Michigan basement) so nothing is damaged here, but I'm seeing posts from folks saying they've lost entire comic collections and such. Ugh! I'm sending some of mine to one of those folks...he lost something like a few thousand comics. I'm not sure mine will help, but if he doesn't want them, I won't be upset if he finds a new home for them.

Speaking of new homes, my external hard drive didn't arrive on time (what does these days?) so instead of backing up files, etc, I started tackling my studio..known around here as "the wall". Holy crow, I feel as if I may never finish. I've spent probably a good twelve hours in there already and it's nowhere close to done. This is what happens when you never properly set up a room and then let it become the junk room. I've hauled out 2 bags of trash, multiple broken cardboard boxes, and have 3 boxes of things set aside for Goodwill. On top of that, I have an entire tote filled with scrapbooking supplies/books that I'd like to sell. Did I mention that I'm nowhere close to done yet? It's insane how much I shoved into one room. Still, I'm determined to make it a functional space again so all I can do is keep going whenever I have the chance.

It can be overwhelming though. I know that when I was in there over the weekend, I'd get one little section done and then just look around, stuck. My youngest was trying to encourage me by telling me that I was doing a good job, but then would get completely frustrated with me when I'd say thank you, but there's still.... I can't say that I blame him. He doesn't understand what it's like to get that overwhelmed (thank goodness). Hopefully, by the time he comes back over again (no idea when that will be), the room will be much more progressed (or done) and we can just enjoy the space. If nothing else, I now have a space where I can sit my laptop to work. In fact, at some point this week, I'll be taking my old laptop in there, attaching the external drive and let it sit there and run backups so that I can move things to my new laptop.

That's one of about a billion things that I have to get done this week. I seriously have a to do list that spans an entire sheet of paper and I keep thinking of other things that I need to add to it. So far, I've gone to the post office to pick up a package. That's it. So, I suppose that I ought to wrap up this post so that I can see what's next. At least I won't be able to complain that I'm bored, right?

Now, don't think I forgot...I want to know how all of you are doing. Are you hanging in there still? Struggling? You're not alone. I have my good days and my bad days, but on every day, I'm happy to listen.

Weekly Update: Not Much New

Here we go...Monday again. This is week...umm...9? that we've been on stay home, stay safe. Honestly, I've totally lost track. The days blend into each other when you're pretty much doing the same thing every day. Last week was pretty much get up, eat breakfast, play Animal Crossing for a few minutes and then spend the next few hours working on a book for a client. This week will be the same except swap out book for graphic novel. I'm happy to still be working, and routine can be good, but I'm ready to mix it up a bit. How I have no idea.

Roger has been here and it's been nice. He's helped me with a few things around the house but mostly it's just been nice to be around another person. He goes back to his dad's house on Thursday (his little brother's birthday) and I don't know when he'll be back. His stepmother has decided to start charging him rent and he's in the process of looking for a job. Once he starts working, it'll be harder for him to get over here. I'm still hoping for a weekend or a couple of days with all three boys so we can do the barn clean out. It's a project that I just can't do on my own.

Speaking of projects, last week I had my cover reveal for my book. I got a lot of support which was really exciting. I'm hoping that when I launch it, a lot of people pick it up for their kids. It's not about the money, but more about seeing my "baby" out there in the world. I'm just waiting for Eric to finish the cover and to send me his bio. Once I have those, I can upload it and get a proof copy to make sure I didn't mess anything up. I suspect something will be wonky, but no way of knowing until I make those steps.

So like this post says, not much new. I did a bit on the house, not much, but it's still forward momentum. There's still a ton to do so I suspect you'll be hearing about that for a while. My hope is that the weather is nice next week and I can tackle my front porch. I'll be inventorying those tubs to hopefully get them gone and doing some planting, I think. I also have that wheeled cart to assemble. It's sitting out there stacked in pieces. Not exactly useful. I also need to hack away at the bushes and trees that have outgrown their spaces. Actually, I wish I could remove the trees. They don't belong there, but I have no way of doing that so I just keep cutting the branches off. It doesn't do a lot of good, but makes me feel like I'm trying.

And I guess that's it for this week...not the most thrilling update, huh? Maybe next week I'll have more fun things to tell you about. For now though, stay safe, wear your masks, wash your hands, and hang in there. We'll get through this, but we can't get lazy about it.

Weekly Update: A Day Early...

It's only Sunday, but it turns out that this coming week is going to be a week of put my head down and work, work, work. I didn't want to not post so here I am a day early.

Not much has changed from last week to this. Not surprising, eh? I mean, we're all in the same boat. Honestly, I'm okay with riding this out for the most part. I'd rather be inconvenienced and have some down days than watch those that I love die. I really believe that we're opening too early and bad things are going to happen. I've ordered masks to take the next step in our protection and we're just hanging in there.

Speaking of, Ben and Roger have been here this weekend. Other than the occasional brotherly bickering, it's been really nice. We've tackled a few small projects which has helped. One of them was cleaning out the deep freeze. Ick. It got turned off at some point so it was a bit of a chore to get it cleaned out. I'm still waiting for some of the ice to thaw so that I can wipe it out. Once I've done that, I'll list it on local sales sites to see if anyone is interested. I think that Roger and I can move it out onto the front porch. I'm only going to ask $50 for it so hopefully it sells quickly. It never hurts to have that extra little bit of cash in your pocket. I also have a flute that I'm going to sell for $75. It doesn't take up much space but it really should be being used, not just collecting dust around here.

The living room is finally feeling like a living room. I have to tidy the bookshelves, clear one more space and then attempt to figure out how to store all of the books/comics that I still need to read for reviews. I'm so far behind that there's quite the stack. I also need to mail out some books that people purchased for me and perhaps just list boxes of books on freecycle or local groups. I need to clear out what I know is going. We took 2 bags and a box out to the barn yesterday that will go to Goodwill once they open again. I got tired of looking at them in the house.

For Mother's Day, I've asked the three boys for a workday so that maybe we can tackle the barn. It's full of just stuff. Some can go, but quite a bit just needs to be organized into bins so that we can find things when we need them. It might be tough to coordinate a day where none of them are working, but I'm hopeful that we can finally tackle that project. It's a big one.

So, fingers crossed that things sell and that things can get done. It's so much easier to get through this time when I feel as if I'm being productive. I'm still missing people tons, but that's just going to have to be what it is. It's not worth the risk right now to mingle and there's no way I can travel to see "the man" right now. I'll just have to keep the course with cleaning, my work, and keeping in touch with folks the best I can.

How are all of you doing? Are you hanging in there? Let me know!