Depression is...

Quote Courtesty of Brainy Quote

Sometimes I like to just sit and look at random quotes and images on Google. Some little thing will blip into my brain and I'll spend a while just looking at things related. Today's thing was, "I thought I was okay..." and somehow in my flipping through, I came across the image above. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I stopped everything else that I was doing to just stare at this image.

You see, earlier today, I took a good, hard look around my house. It's a disaster. Actually, disaster might be an understatement. It looks like a good foundation for an episode of Hoarders. I wish I were joking. Part of me was shocked. I thought I had been doing okay on a brain level kind of way. Sure, emotionally, I've been off due to some life changes, but even though I knew there was a small struggle there, I thought overall I was doing okay. I mean, my bullet journal is almost current, I'm only weeks behind in reading/studying, and there's peanut butter, raspberry preserves, and bread in my kitchen. I've been eating. Oh sure, I haven't been eating well, but I've been eating. I've even drank some water!

Yeah...I thought I was okay, but I'm not. Every day that passes is a day closer to a future that I seem completely incapable of figuring out. Whenever I try, my anxiety skyrockets and I just want to sleep. Nothing is getting done because to get something done would mean that I'm actually taking steps towards that same future.

Every time I look around, I see the trash and the stuff and I know I should deal with it, but at the same time, my brain reminds me that all of those things need to be dealt with so that I can possibly move in a year's time and so it sits because I can't imagine a year from now without completely shutting down.

I tell myself that I don't advertise myself as a proofreader because of how other's have treated me. Recently, an author who I thought had hired me for a regular job told me he didn't know when I'd get the next batch of books. He had very valid reasons so I'm not upset with him, but it took the tiny future plans that I had managed to make and squashed them. Without that needed income, I'm stuck. Yet, I don't have it anywhere on my author site that I offer proofreading as a service. I don't mention it on any of my social media descriptions. Why? If I had the money, I would have to start making decisions which is something I seem incapable of.

Depression is the inability to construct a future...and that's right where I am. I'm incapable of constructing any kind of future beyond the day that I'm currently in and because I can't see a future, I've become numb to my surroundings, no matter how unhealthy they've become. I have moments of "omg, I need to do something about this" but it seems that I can only manage to survive in the hopes that someday soon, the fog will lift and maybe this time I can make things right again.

My Lucky Miracle

Do you know this kid? I sure do. That's my son, Benjamin. He turned 11 back in January and sometimes, I think the entire process of bringing him into this world was one lucky event after another.

You see, I hadn't really planned on getting pregnant with him. I know a lot of parents say that, but really, I didn't plan for it. I had miscarried just 6 months before I found out that I was pregnant again. Losing that first baby nearly destroyed me and I wasn't sure that I was willing to risk going through all that all over again.  Fate stepped in and there was a Ben-jammin in my belly.

That was the first bit of luck.  The second bit of luck came immediately after. I found out that I was pregnant a week before his dad and I were due to move back to Michigan. If I hadn't found out when I did, I may have overdone it with the packing and lost him.

That brings me to the third piece of luck. The day after the move, we went out to eat and I kept feeling this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I was convinced I was miscarrying. We were in a new town with no idea to go and believe it or not, I was turned away from a clinic because I didn't have in-state insurance. Finally, we found another medical building who gave us clear directions to the hospital. It turns out I wasn't miscarrying. I had somehow pulled a groin muscle.

Ready for piece of luck #4? The doctor in the emergency room wanted me to call the next day to set up a follow up appointment with their clinic. I called and got an incredible nurse on the phone who told me to run, not walk to make an appointment with Dr. B, the local specialist. She told me that he was the only person in this town that I should see and it didn't matter what the other doctor had said. With my medical history, I didn't want to be seen by a resident in some clinic.

Sometimes, I think my entire pregnancy was one piece of luck after another. Since I was seeing an incredible doctor once a week, he caught my pre-term labor (and kept me in his office until I recognized it too). I didn't even know it was happening. He was on call for me anytime, day or night and he never gave me a hard time for calling him when I didn't understand why something was happening (like why the anti-contraction medication gave me the shakes). He's also the one who realized my baby wasn't moving like he should. He's the one who took it seriously and yet never let on to the point that I would panic.

He was the one who joked with me while removing my cerclage to keep me calm and he's the one who delivered my precious boy via emergency c-section when things started going downhill. He's the one who visited not just me, but Ben in the NICU while we waited to make sure he was going to be ok. I was unbelievably lucky to have found him.

I'm also incredibly lucky because that baby who weighed in at 5lbs 6oz (which was huge considering) now weighs nearly 100 pounds and is 11 years old. He has Cerebral Palsy but you know what, we thank God every day that it isn't worse than it is. We are so lucky that what he deals with is considered a mild case.

On top of all that, I am so lucky to have met some incredible Mamavation moms who not only cheer both of us on, but are doing a fundraiser to help us get him the tools that he needs. When it comes to this boy, luck could be his middle name. It's not, but it certainly could be.

"I wrote this blog post while participating in the Bookieboo and "Earthies Wants You to Feel Lucky" blogging program, making me eligible to win a pair of Earthies shoes and American Express Gift Cards. For more information on how you can participate, click here.


**** I know that this isn't a normal weight loss post, but this kiddo is one of the reasons that I'm trying to lose weight and a pair of Earthies shoes could help soooo much in that! *****