Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Mamavation Monday: Friendship

The past year has been one of those that if I had to go back, it'd be one that I'd like to change..except, I wouldn't. If you've been here long, you know parts of the story. You know about the sickness and then passing of my grandmother, the woman who raised me, the woman who was my mother. You know of the betrayal that I've felt as I've watched one person after another, people I thought were my friends, turn their backs on me. I've never hid my life from the world and that's not something everyone can understand, but it's part of who I am.

Knowing everything I know though, I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't go back because if I did it would mean that people like Kate, Eric, Ross, Ian and others wouldn't be known to me. These are just a few of the people who have come into my life over the course of the past year and I feel so blessed to have not only met them but to consider them among my friends.

It would also mean that I wouldn't have met my best friend. In fact, if I even tried to change the past 6 months, I might not know him. Don't tell my heart that though. It's pretty sure I've known him forever. I know this will sound sappy but well, you know me, I'm a sappy girl sometimes. The thing is when I met Walter, my heart went ah ha! I know him! It recognized something in him and over the course of a few months, we slowly got to know each other. Then, one day, everything changed and our gradual process went into some sort of hyperdrive and we've never looked back.

Over such a short period, a period really too short for us to know each other this well, we've become this amazing duo. People see us together, even online and it makes them smile. I have to say that I like that. The fact that our happiness together brings others joy is an absolute bonus in something that is already awesome. I know that people roll their eyes when we say we're each other's best friend. What we are doesn't settle easily into society's definition of best friend. Guess what? I don't care. We're redefining the word for what we want and what we are. It's kinda fun being a rebel, ya know.

When I sat down today, I hadn't planned on writing about him. I had something else in mind entirely. Then, I saw this image and all I could think was, "Yes, that's my relationship with Walter, right there." The shadow bit is a bit of a joke between us. Y'all know that I'm all pale and white..even when I think I've a bit of a tan, I'm still all pale and white. Walter, due to his heritage and the fact that the sun doesn't burn him through windows, is a lovely darker hue so when we're together, it is as if he's my shadow. It makes us both laugh when we hold hands to see our skin up against each others. Yes, we laugh at the silliest of things ...and yeah, that's just part of what makes us awesome.

I don't know that ..no, that's not true..I know that we've both cried since we've known each other and that we've both been right there to hold each other and to be each other's shoulders. Just like I know we always will be. No matter what life throws at us, we'll always be there when the other one calls.

He once told me that I was his smile. Those are actually some pretty powerful words but I wouldn't change it. I love him and I will do anything within my power to keep a smile on his handsome face. It's all part of love and friendship. I hurt when he hurts and he hurts when I hurt.

Want to know the best part though? It's that last part. I'll just be me. In life, there are so few people that you don't have some sort of filter with. Walter is my non-filter person. I'm not afraid to tell him anything. I'm not afraid to be sappy or silly or just close my eyes and curl up against him. Together, we have a freedom together that is so hard to find. Neither of us is perfect but we don't judge each other.

This was a rough week for the pair of us. We listened to the voices that were trying to define us and let it get into our heads. It took us nearly a week to realize what this was doing to us and I'm so very thankful that we took the time to work it all out. I'm thankful to our friend Nicki for being the catalyst to shove us back together. I know that she loves us both and while she did choose sides, she's not going to stop loving us or wanting us to be happy.

Here's the thing though. I love Walter. Walter loves me. We really are each other's best friend. As for what anyone else wants us to be, well that's on them. I/we cannot control what other people think or feel or want. What's important right now is what we think or feel or want. We may not be conventional in any sense of the word, but c'mon folks, I don't remember the last time anyone used that term to define me. Why would this amazing thing I have with an amazing man be any different? So what if we're not the traditional definition. It's kind of nice to be undefined. For those who know me and my ocd, stop and think. When was the last time I was ok with anything being undefined? I'm ok with this. That's pretty major for me.

So, here I am..at the end of a long blog post that I know will have some friends gritting their teeth because they saw my tears this past week. Thank you for being there for me when I needed a shoulder. Thank you for caring enough to get angry on my behalf. I'm asking you now though to forgive. Forgive him for hurting me and forgive me for hurting him. I posted this elsewhere but what we did, even in hurting each other, we did together. This was on both of us. Your anger only harms. It harms you as it burns up on the inside. It harms me because it hurts to see you upset, even if it's on my behalf. Maybe I had to let go of something this week, but it was something that was never meant to be there..or if it was, not quite yet.

I can't predict the future, no matter how many of you suspect I can at times. I can only say that right now, in this very moment, I have been blessed enough to have an amazing man (and his fantastic kids) as a part of my life. I can't go back and change the past and I wouldn't choose to if I could. The past brought me here. It brought me the wonderful friends that I consider so incredibly blessed to have in my life. Thank you to those who defended me and my heart this week. I noticed and it meant so very much to me. I want us all to move on now, though..let's move on and work on bringing each other joy, not sorrow and anger.

As for the rest of the world, I know what you see when you look at us and that's ok. You can call us whatever you want because that's your definition. We don't have to live by that definition. We're stronger than that. We've proven that this week. Walter, for the record, even at the end of this long post, I love you and I'm so happy that we're in each other's lives. We may have tripped over each other but the best part of that? I get to hold your hand while we help each other back up.

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