When do you say goodbye?

I should be working. Instead, here I am again. I'm feeling really insecure today and I know why, no matter how much I want to ignore it. It's "the man." We've been together for over five years now. I've stood beside him as he fought for custody of his kids, decided if he wanted to stay married to his wife, and what feels like a thousand other things. I don't know though if he's stood by me. Honestly, I feel ignored and taken for granted. That's the problem when you love as hard as I do. People tend to figure out that you aren't going anywhere.

The first couple of years that we were together were great. We talked all the time either via text or email or sometimes both at the same time. At some point though, the emails stopped. Then, over time, the texts slowed down. He used to share ideas with me, send me pictures, and just be there whenever I needed him. I don't remember the last time he sent me a picture. I find out about his ideas via Facebook...and I don't remember the last time he told me that he loved me. He's never been one to say it frequently but I've never gone without being able to remember the last time. We used to fall asleep together, texting back and forth. Now he never texts me around that time unless it's every once in a great while to say goodnight. He used to always call me by a nickname that he had for me, now he never does. He used to tell me I'm beautiful, now he tells someone else.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I realized that even when I ask him for something small...like a photo or a message, that he never does it. Twice in the past month he'd told me he'll send me photos "soon" or "soon enough." He hasn't.

The past few days he hasn't even responded to my texts really. I send him a lovely one yesterday morning and he ignored it. Last night, when he'd posted to Facebook that he was done writing, I sent him a message. His reponse? "Writing" ...except you just said you were done. I told him I'd leave him alone. I haven't messaged him since. He probably won't even notice if all day goes by and he doesn't hear from me.

It's so hard. When we're physically together, things are so good between us. We talk about things. When we're apart, I feel like he forgets about me.

Then, there's Rob. I'm so damn insecure with that. I don't know what he wants. I mean, he's made it kind of obvious that he wants to go back to how things were, but how can we? He destroyed me. Even today, when I told him that I'm feeling insecure, he didn't respond. I can't do that. I can't be intimate with someone who can't be there when I need someone to tell me that I'm wonderful and they love me. Of course as soon as I say he hasn't responded, he responds. Thirty seven minutes, but at least he knew he had to respond.

I don't know. The only thing that keeps me with "the man" is knowing how good we are together when we're together, but with covid, who knows when that might happen again. I just wish he'd tell me that he misses me at least. It's a stupid wish, but it's my wish. I could tell him that I need more from him, but I don't know what good it would do. He may just ignore that and then I'd feel even worse.

If I knew I had Rob to help balance things out, it'd be so much better. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Except, in some ways, it really just is how I've come to work. I've long given up that I'll ever get married again. I don't know who could handle the semi-hoarding, the depression, the anxiety, all the time. I live with it and I annoy myself. Does that mean that deep down, locked away, there isn't a mad desire to have someone love me like that? Of course there is. All I've wanted my entire life is to be loved like that. I guess deep down I've never totally gotten over the idea that I don't deserve that.

Still, this past week it's become more and more clear to me what I want with Rob is the same thing that I wanted 15 months ago when all hell broke loose. It's not a "we're together when we're together" kind of thing, but a we're together because it makes us happy kind of thing. I want a partner...someone that is my safe spot, someone that I can do things with or do nothing with. I want not just a sexual partner, but an emotional one as well. I want someone who will tell me they love me and not just in the bedroom. I don't want to be a secret. I'm not saying we need to be "Facebook official" or even tell anyone about us, but if we're out, I want to be able to hold their hand. I want to sneak a kiss at the stoplight.

I don't want a husband. Not right now. I don't want to be physically with someone 24/7. I don't think it would be healthy for me or for another person. I'm not sure I can explain this properly, but I want to be with him when we can be, but when we're not, we're still okay and still us. We have lives of our own but those lives include each other. I don't need 24/7 communication, but I need open communication. I don't need to be "the" one, but I need to know that if someone else comes along, it won't mean that I'm kicked to the curb or left in the dark. Not again. I can't do that again.

In some ways, I've always seen us as two halves to a whole. We know each other and in the past, we were able to balance each other. Your soulmate doesn't have to be your lifemate. If we started with what we were before "the horror" but with what I thought we were when I last left him, that'd be amazing. If it moved on past that, well, that'd be what it'd be. I'm not going into anything with the hopes that it will turn into something more. I've spent too many years being alone and being told things could never be more in the relationships that I've been in. Like I said, I don't truly believe that I deserve that whole "happily ever after - white picket fences" thing. Most of the time I'm okay with that. I just want us to be okay, but okay together again.

Ugh. These are all things that I should just be telling him, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me how he doesn't want another relationship after just ending such a toxic one. I mean, it's not like that's unreasonable, but we can't go back to what I thought we had before. I need more. I need reassurances. Most of all, I really need a freaking hug and to be told that it'll be all right.

Edit: Well, I asked him. I sent him a text asking what it was that he hoped for or wanted. His response? He doesn't know. He didn't know if I'd even answer him. He had just wanted to apologize and explain himself. He did that...August 31st. I guess after that it was just easy to fall into old habits...I think I'm going to go cry now and then fill out this paperwork that I forgot to do yesterday. It's better than hyperventilating my way into an asthma attack.

Weekly Update: Looking Forward

Isn't it funny how a simple change of perspective can change something so dramatically? A week ago (well, a week ago yesterday), I sent Nick the draft of Nevermore. Ever since then I've worked at looking forward...the next project, the project after that...and not dwelling on what he was doing with the book. Yesterday, he sent me a message saying that he was halfway through and be warned, there would be notes. That icy clutch of anxiety hit me and I had to remind myself to breathe. Then, I started thinking about it.

Why was I so anxious? The book wasn't utter garbage, I knew that much. Nick loves me (as close friends do) and wasn't going to be cruel. Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. Perhaps instead of paranoid, I needed to be excited. I know that's a huge flip, but let me explain. I could be excited because I wrote that book all by myself. It's mine and I accomplished that. I could be excited because whatever notes he leaves, I can take or leave...but more importantly, I can use them to improve the book. I don't have an official editor, but I need to look at Nick like I do my doctor...she's there to help me, not tear me down. We're a team. Nick and I are a team and a dang good one. Why be afraid of that?

Once I made that decision, I calmed back down and was able to focus on working on other things that needed doing. I'm still not caught up after a weekend of mostly being gone (NaNo Thursday, writing and concert Friday, NaNo write in Saturday, Grand Rapids Comic Con and NaNo write in Sunday), but I'm making good progress. There's always things to do though! Laundry, for example. Sheesh! At least the moving about keeps me warm during this snow/cold snap that we're having.

Let's see...other than that...I suppose things are good. I've still not had any new work come in and I'm concerned since the holidays are coming up. I don't want to cancel Christmas for my three kids. That would be a huge disappointment to all of us. Hopefully something shifts my way. I'm always hopeful.

The house has been at a bit of a standstill but I'm hoping to have more energy to tackle that soon. It's tough when my body is at day 21 of its period. I'm still cramping and feeling just run down. I can only do what I can while my body pitches a fit.

I think that's it! Nothing much has changed in the past week. I'm still fighting my way through NaNo, trying to be a good mom, and just looking forward...

Pause the Music

Credit to Nick Gibson for today's title inspiration.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head and would you believe that they're all good and I'm smiling? Weird, huh? I'm not complaining though.

I saw my doctor on Friday and I'm happy to report that we're both doing well. She had a workout accident a while back but is healing nicely. Me? My blood pressure tracking pleased her and seeing me happy and thriving put a huge smile on her face.

I don't think I realized that I'd stopped thriving, but was merely surviving. Heck, just surviving was a nice feeling. Actually thriving (thank you god for those who created this medication that I'm on now) has me over the moon and insanely productive. My sleep schedule has shifted to more match that of those around me. I'm asleep by 11 and up by 6:30-7:30 am. I'm getting up, getting dressed, eating, and knocking out project after project. It's spectacular.

I don't know if I wrote last week about being back in my bedroom, but that's been a wonderful change too. After a week or so of that, I'm finally adjusting to sleeping in there. The cats have laid claim to their sleeping spots and none of us are crunched up, unless they choose to be (Mac likes to sleep up against my legs). My room isn't completely dehoarded, but I would say that it's at least halfway there and I'm thinking that maybe within a week, it will be totally done. Then, I need to convince the youngest to come home from college for a few hours to help me get the dresser inside and upstairs to my room. I can't move it by myself and my doctor told me to not even try.

Normally, all of these changes would freak me out, but instead, I'm celebrating them and I'm celebrating me for getting them done. Thanks to my editing work, I've been able to make some payments on outstanding bills and I'm hoping that by the end of the year, those will be taken care of which will put me in a better financial place for the upcoming year.

I've found myself stopping more...Pausing the music in my head...to enjoy other things. I'm slowly reading more. I'm playing games. I'm taking pictures of raindrops on spider webs. I'm doing more of the things that I love that slipped by the wayside. Mostly? I'm enjoying being me. It's pretty awesome.

That's it for this week. I'm off to Life With Katie to write my weekly writing prompt post. If you like recipes, reviews, writing, please pop over and check it out. I have a giveaway starting there tomorrow.

Until next week....take care of yourselves, my little chickadees!

Feelin' Good

So, it's been a few weeks and I wanted to make sure that I stopped in and let you guys know how it was all going. It's had its ups and downs that's for sure. I just have to stop singing and dancing to this song so I can actually type it all out.  I love this song so much. The video is a bit weird though, don't you think?

Okay, it's done. Right. So the past few weeks...Well, last post I told you that I had decided to start back on my anti-depressant and that I was a bit nervous because I tend to forget if it's doing me any good once I'm on it for a bit. That's part of the reason that I want to write about it. I want to have a record that I can look back on.

I decided to start with a half dose because the last time I took a full dose (I was on the max allowed dosage) it made me feel loopy. I spent an hour one evening cutting all of my pills in half and rebottling them. That night, I took my first dose. The next day I was headachey and nauseous all day long. It was not fun, but I took another dose the following night because I figured maybe I just had to adjust to it. The following day was a Thursday. I know this because my youngest had a jazz performance at a club. I had the same headache but the queasiness was more on and off, but man, when it was on, I wanted to throw up. Ugh. That night, I didn't take any. The thought of swallowing anything was too much.

Friday I still felt crummy, but better. I decided that I'd try an every other day regimen for a while. Saturday I woke up and felt great. Go figure. So, I took another dose that night. No reason to put it off if I'm feeling okay with it. Sunday I woke up and started the first real period that I've had in over three years. Now I'm wonder if the medicine combined with hormonal crap and just made me feel dreadful. No real way to know, but I've not had that god awful reaction since.

So, since I started, I only missed that one dose and that was on purpose. I'm really starting to notice a change. I've had my down days and I've had some serious stressors, but so far I've been handling them. The past couple of days I've found myself smiling, singing, and god help the poor cats who can see me...dancing. I feel lighter. I feel more like things are going to be okay, and that they're possible.

I had about 4 nights of total insomnia, but I think that I'm slowly moving past that which is good. The past two days I haven't slept until noon or later which is a relief. Regulating sleep is a top priority because my afternoons are too busy to lose my mornings.

In a bit of other news, I'm thrilled to say that #Fridgepocalypse is over now. Our brand new refrigerator was delivered this afternoon. If you don't know what that hashtag means, I'll just say that this is our second fridge purchase in just over a month. I'm going to have to put myself out there more as a proofreader/editor to make the money back as quickly as I can but I don't believe that it's impossible. I just have to get the right eyes on what it is that I do.

As for weight, I don't really have an update there. I don't have a way to weigh myself at home and I haven't figured out a solution for that yet. I don't really want to drive 20 minutes to the doctor's office every couple of weeks, even though I'm pretty sure they'd let me stop in and use the scales. I will say that I think that my pants feel a bit looser, but it's hard for me to tell if that's just wishful thinking or reality. I promise I'll keep updating that bit as often as I can though. I need to know too if the bits I'm trying are working. Only five more months until that appointment. Now that the new fridge is here though, I can get my water bottles filled and in there so that I have a ready supply of drinking water on hand which will be nice.

Current Weight: ???
Goal Weight: 150 lbs
Days in a Row Taking Meds: 18

The End is Near

I've been gone for a while again. The truth is that Keith's death knocked me for a loop and then some. I started to close in on myself. Then, one day, I woke up and suddenly things seemed better. I could almost hear Keith telling me that it was time for me to get back to writing and to living.  So, write I did. I spent a lot of my spare time working on my second book with Nick. I went out to the local NaNoWriMo write ins and focused on that and on my boys.

Time passed and mentally and emotionally, things have gotten better. For the most part they've been okay physically as well. That's if you ignore the past two weeks when I've been down and out with bronchitis. If you'd asked me just a few days ago, I probably would have told you that I was pretty sure I was dying. Losing the ability to breathe properly is such a terrible feeling! Thank goodness for antibiotics. I only wish that they would have prescribed me some cough medicine so that I could sleep at night. Today was the first day in a week that I got dressed properly. Then, like a crazy person, I went out into the cold and did some grocery shopping. It took its toll on me but I got through it and I'm determined to continue to be on the mend. I don't pick up the boys until Monday (Christmas) night so I can take the next couple of days to recover.

I mentioned above that things have gotten better emotionally and mentally. That's been something that's very much been on my mind these past few days. It's been a big change for me over the past year or so. Last year (and a lot of years before that), when December 1st rolled around, I'd start looking for Christmas cards in the mail. A couple of weeks before Christmas, I'd look for packages to be delivered. As the days would go by and they didn't appear, I'd get sadder and more upset. I would curl up and think about how alone I was going to be when the boys were at their dad's on Christmas Day and how I'd have nothing of my own to open. In my head, I would convince myself that nothing coming meant that no one loved me.

Writing that seems so silly but it's the truth. At some point in my life, I started equating getting things from people as meaning they cared about me. After all, you do get things for people you care about. The problem came that I also believed the opposite to be true when it came to me. Somewhere over the past year though, that changed. I don't entirely know when or why but it did. Oh, I have my suspicions but nothing that I can say, "Yep, that was it."

As the clock has ticked down towards Christmas, not a gift has arrived and only one card. I have a stack of about fifty that I'll be mailing out once I have the funds for postage. Granted, a lot of them are for supporters of my son's trip, but quite a lot are personal choice as well. In the past, this would have had me in tears by now. This year, I look at it and know that I am loved by those that matter to me and that no gift in the world is more important to me than their love and support. Those closest to me are a small group but they're the most important group in the world to me and there's no greater gift than their love and the time shared together.

As we get closer to 2018, I know that 2017 has been incredibly hard for some of them and for me as well. We're all ready to begin again and while I firmly believe that you can begin again at any time, there symbolic changing of the year is a good time to reflect and to plan. I'm so happy to be able to say that I'm going into it stronger, calmer, and surrounded by love.

So here's to sharing the holidays with each other, near and far, to loving ourselves and each other and to going into 2018 ready to be the change that we need within ourselves and to make this world a brighter, better place. I know that things will come that we may not be ready for, that life will throw us challenges and torments, but I also know that there will be good moments. The bad may out count the good but the good will still be there and it's our job to not only remember the good but to increase the good around us.

Happy holidays, my friends!

PS To see my year end wrap up of good and my 2018 goals, check out Life With Katie. As I'm able, I'll be writing those up.

Happy Surprise

Hi all! Just a quick post in between Roger's busking and Ben's football game. I just had to share this with everyone.

I took this photo of me this morning. I hardly ever have my picture taken or if I do, share them with anyone. This one is different. Two weeks ago, I bought this shirt to support the boys' football team at a scrimmage. Like some people, I have a fat roll above my waist and when I put this shirt on and looked in the mirror, I could see that roll pressed against the shirt. In my mind, it was pushing the shirt out. This morning, I put the shirt on (first conference game is tonight) and thought it felt looser. I looked in the mirror and sure enough, it seems to be fitting much better! The shirt feels as if it's laying against my skin and not my skin shoving it out.

Last week I posted about the numbers, but this week I actually could see the results! I'm feeling them when I eat too. After Roger's busking today, we stopped into the diner to have onion rings (our guilty pleasure) and I noticed that after eating them, I didn't want anything else. It's now been over two hours and I still don't feel as if I'm starving. It feels really good to be seeing the results. Roger and I joked today that the 3x band sweatshirt I ordered this year is going to hang on me by next year if I keep this up. I'm okay with that.

As for right now though, I'm happy just seeing the results and feeling encouraged to keep going. I can't wait until I get my new fitbit (the other died and is out of warranty..boo!) and schedules shift so I have time to jump back onto the treadmill or get back outside for walks. It feels really, really good to be able to say, "I've got this." after my doctor told me that there was no way I could do this on my own. I can, I am, and I will.

Starting Over... Again

I've lost track of how many times I've started and stopped this dang blog and taking care of myself. Honest to goodness. I don't even have a clue now. I swear that I write a post and suddenly nearly a year zips by and here I am again.

Now, here's the part where I tell you this time will be different..yada yada yada.. but the truth is, it may not be. Of course, it may also be. Who knows, right? A lot has changed for me over the past few years and I haven't really told anyone this, but my doctor is really on my case about my weight. I have to go back and see her in about two months and I know that she's going to ask me if I went to the weight loss clinic (which I have no intention of really going to because the want to shove a liquid diet in my face and prepare me for surgery). The reality is that I know I can do this on my own. I don't need a liquid diet or fancy surgeries. I need to deal with the core of my issues, why I eat and why I eat what I eat.

I need to take care of me and this is the area that keeps coming to mind. You see, every year, on my birthday, I choose a goal to work on for the following year. I've done mental health, physical health (namely the issues with my sinuses) and other things. There is only one real criteria. They have to be specifically for me. They're not allowed to be about anyone else, not even the boys. This year, I've been going round and round with two things and my weight is one of them. The other is my dental health. I have terrible teeth. I always have and on top of that, as part of my omg I'm overwhelmed by life thing, I got out of the habit of taking care of them.

So, this year, I've decided to be a bit of an overachiever, and yet, they all tie into each other. Here's the other thing..other than here and at Life With Katie, I don't really intend on posting about this or even talking about it. I'm doing this for me and any posts about it will be done for me. That probably sounds more selfish than I usually am or perhaps as if I don't feel as if I need support. I can't really comment on the first one other than to say well yes...but that's the point of this. To "selfishly" do something for me. As for the second point? Well, here's the thing..writing tons of posts here is great and I will always welcome and appreciate any comments, but I am truly blessed right now with some great people in my life and I know that if I need them, I can turn to them.

Now...I've mentioned multiple goals and I'm going to lay them out here, even though only one is really specific to this blog...

1. Weight Loss - I currently weigh in at approximately 310 pounds. I'm not going to put a number goal on an entire year, but I'd like to get down to where I have more energy and I'm generally healthier again.

2. Dental Health - Taking better daily care of my teeth and then getting myself to the dentist for help with the rest, even if I am terrified and I know it's not going to be pretty.

3. Taking Better Care of Me - This is #1 and #2 combined as well as little things like finding a way to get a hair cut when I need one, taking time to relax with a game or a book or whatever fits my fancy, and who knows, maybe even bringing back Time for Me Thursday for the other site. I just need to take better care of me...This also includes continuing to work on my over thinking/over worrying/over stressing issues.

4. Creating a Home - Last but just as important as the others is the continued work on my house. In the past month, I've hauled out a ton of trash and almost as much to donate to Goodwill. I want to continue on that path until I have a home that I'm proud of and don't mind inviting people over to. I want to get it to the point where if Phil comes around, we don't have to go to a hotel unless that's what we want to do. I want the boys and I to be able to both use and relax in the space.

There we go. My four goals for the coming year. Technically my birthday isn't until September 23rd, but I honestly couldn't think of a reason to wait. Instead, I'm starting with this post. Pretty soon I'll write up one for the other site, but for now, this is going to be our little secret...me and anyone who may wander across this post.

For tonight, I'm starting with all of the goals in a really simple manner. I'm going to go into the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and while I'm in there, I'm going to clean the mirror. If I do some little thing every time I walk in there, the room will be looking fantastic in no time and it will make me smile to walk in there. Smiling when I walk in there will lead to a more relaxed, happier me. Sometimes everything feeds into some other thing.

A day late, but for a good reason!

Folks, I have never been so happy to sit down and write a post here. I can't even begin to describe the smile on my face this week. Before I even attempt to explain why, let me tell you why I'm a day late this week.

It's because...*drumroll* ..I spent yesterday putting in a new kitchen floor with the help of someone amazing enough to help me! I have just one row left to put in and then it will be all done and I can organize everything and start cooking again! I am soooo excited about this! Plus, it just looks awesome.

Now, back to the topic at hand...hehe... Wow, what a week. My water pipes froze (and are still frozen!) except for the hot water going to my bathtub. So..how was my water last week? Awful! I managed to do 2 bottles a day right up until that happened. Then, because I was also snowed in, I switched to bottles of smoothie that I had in the fridge and drank one of those a day. It wasn't quite 48oz but I figured it was liquid and pretty healthy so better than nothing. Once those ran out, I switched to orange juice. Sheesh, talk about a challenge but I still got in the amount of liquids and it wasn't in the form of hot chocolate, soda or anything else that's super awful for you.

Plus, the cat is now out of the bag, so I can tell you my new plan for exercise! After listening to my friend, Rob, go on and on and on and on...well, you get the point...about how much he loves roller derby and skating and how it's saved his sanity more than once, I got gutsy and decided to try it out. Now, I know that those of you who know my penchant for falling off of things and tripping over my
own pajama bottoms are thinking dear lord, she's gone and finally completely lost her mind. Once I actually put my feet in the skates, I thought the same thing along with placing mental bets with myself on how long it would take before I broke something.

I am happy to say that not only did I not break anything, I only fell down once and it was only to go down on one knee! Granted, it was the knee I've had problems with, but no real damage done. On top of that, I had so much fun, even if I completely sucked at it! I am learning from scratch, after all. I didn't expect to be any good at it. So, this is what I'm going to be doing from now on. There's a rink about 25 minutes away that does free skates on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Well, they do them a couple of other times but they're busy then and I'd rather go when they're not. Plus, someone told me about another rink about 45 minutes away that's supposed to be a million times better. Dang it, I think I might end up getting hooked on this! I suppose there are worse things to be hooked on though, right?

The best part?  I know that even though I only went back and forth in this little maybe 10 foot area (while holding onto the wall), I know it was exercise. My legs, abdomen and one arm were pretty darn sore yesterday. Then, I worked in the kitchen and trust me, getting back up off the floor was a challenge. My knee didn't hurt but it sure didn't want to go back up after I went down.

I guess this means that I'm adding exercise back into my weekly routines. I won't be able to go skating every week because the boys aren't interested and spending time with them is more important to me. However, since the one rink is in the town they live in, I might start taking them back early on Sunday afternoons and getting in one hour of skating. Then, there's the gym that I mentioned last week. Financially it won't be easy, but I'm thinking about getting a membership and going over there twice a week to use their equipment. I really wish that I had closer options but that is one of the downsides to living in the middle of nowhere. If I get the membership, that will mean that I'm working out four days a week on the weeks that I go skating. Wow! I hope I'm ready to add in such a big goal!

Speaking of goals, here are mine for this week:

• 2 bottles of water each day - I bought 2 gallons of water to help with this.
• Make final decision regarding gym membership.
• Research 2nd skating rink.
• Finish the kitchen to make progress towards healthier cooking.
• Complete garden planning to make progress towards growing healthier foods.

I think that's it! I hope everyone has a great week! Please, feel free to leave comments or drop me a line on Facebook. I have a fan page there that maybe we could all start to putting to some use! 

Starting Weight: --------

Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -2.8 lbs

Total Weight Loss: -4.4 lbs

Daily Water Average: 32 oz (of liquid, not necessarily water)

Mamavation Monday : Farmville

The one thing that spending hours on the road driving gives you is plenty of time to think. Without fail, if I have any kind of trip going on where I'm spending an entire day travelling, my mind drifts into thinking about Farmville.

I know what you're thinking. Of all of the things I could think about, my brain chooses to think about a meaningless Facebook game. My question to you though, is it really meaningless?

Let's stop and think about this game. In the basest of senses, it's just a way to waste time that we could spend doing other things. However, let's take things up a notch. What does the average farmer do on a stop in this game?

1. He plants and harvests crops in the hopes of completing missions or obtaining a part that he needs.
2. He travels from farm to farm. I believe, with the inclusion of Haunted Hollow, that there are now 6 different areas.
3. He travels to his friends farms and helps them out.
4. He works hard in the hopes of improving his own farm.
5. He relocates and reorganizes things in the hopes of fitting just one more thing into the space he has.

When I look at the game (and yes, I do play it), I sometimes actually wish I were more like my little farmer girl. She goes in and does what she needs to do and then she moves on. Over the course of playing this game, I've developed a system to get everything done and then exit the game. So, my little farmer girl is efficient.

Not only is she efficient, but she's worked for everything that she has in the game. She works hard planting thousands of crops and she always has a smile on her face. Her life isn't easy but she never gives up and she never loses her optimistic grin. She's always willing to help people out. She may not even know them but if they need something that she can give, she jumps right in.

Yes, I want to be more like her and the reality is that we can all be more like her. We may not be planting crops, but every day we sow seeds. When we smile, we're sowing the seeds of joy and happiness. Very few of us sit at home all day long. We're a society of movers and travelers and when we go, we take those seeds with us. How many of us have discovered that a simple smile can change someone's day?

I know that I've had more than one waitress, check out person or just person I've bumped into thank me for having a smile and a kind word or two for them. Positivity can change lives. So can hard work. My little farmer girl busts her tush from the moment I load the game to the moment that I head back to my Facebook feed. She plants and harvests and feeds animals and does what she needs to do to grow her farm. I'm pretty sure that she looks upon every land expansion as a reward for what she's done.

Hard work isn't a foreign concept to most of us. Yes, there are people out there who have had everything handed to them and there are some people who have had nothing handed to them. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of that range, but we've learned that if we want a newer car or a nicer house, we're going to have to work for those things. Heck, how many of us have woken up in the morning and thought, "Man, can't the house clean itself today?" Wishes are nice, but they're not going to get us anywhere near what we can do if we work at it.

Let's face it. Our homes didn't get messy, our bodies didn't get chunky and our brains didn't get filled with negative thoughts overnight. The opposite isn't going to happen overnight either. Don't get me wrong. I would absolutely love to wake up one morning to a television show level of clean (think any kitchen you see on Food Network), a size 12 (yes, I'm a realist.) wardrobe that fit like a dream and depression banished forever. It's just not going to happen. If I want those things, I have to get up each morning ready to work for them. It won't happen overnight. In the case of my weight, it will probably take years. In the case of my home, to get it how I want it might take the next year. As for the mental attitude, there will be days when it comes easy and days when my brain chemicals are threatening to drive me insane.

However, just like my little farmer girl, I can do this and so can you. Know that you can do this. If it's important to you, you will make the time and the effort and you can get it done. It's when it's not that important that we make excuses. So, decide today what it is that you want to do with your life and just do it. So what if it takes days, weeks, months or even years. What matters is that you're doing it, one step at a time. Have faith in yourself and before you know it, you'll be just like our little farmer girl, happily setting an upgraded life up on her property.

Mamavation Monday : Voices in My Head

It's Monday and we're back from vacation! I love our annual camping trip. Justin flies in and all four of us drive up North and just spend the time together. For the most part, we lock out the outside world and just enjoy being our little family.

This year, we went up to Wilderness State Park. For those not familiar, it's about 11 miles West of Mackinaw City, Michigan. Just for the fun of it, we took the long way and stopped off at a little ice cream shop in Benzonia. It had been suggested to me by a friend. I didn't know that it was actually her family that owned it, but let me tell you, that single scoop of ice cream was the most yummy thing! If you're ever in that area, I can completely and totally recommend stopping by Hill Top Soda Shoppe. They make all of their ice cream and use beet sugar instead of corn syrup.

All in all, it was such a wonderful trip and all of the driving gave me plenty of opportunity to think. Driving led to this picture and this picture led to me having a serious think.

One of my biggest issues, in life, are the voices inside my head.  We all have them. They're those voices that tell you that you can't do something, that something is impossible, that you're just not good enough and all of those negative thoughts that just stop you in your tracks.

We all have them but we can also all choose to ignore them. We don't have to give them free space in our heads. When I first saw this building, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm sure that was the intention of the sign. However, once I stopped giggling, I started thinking. Those voices are a lot like what we put into an outhouse. To put it in a polite sense, they stink. They're the waste that our bodies (and souls) don't need.

Having the thoughts is normal. What we do with them is what matters. We can rent them space for cheap and before we know it, they take over everything. They're bacteria, they're viruses, they're cancer in our bodies. Or we can acknowledge them and then dispose of them. We can flush them out of our systems by putting in healthy thoughts. In the end, the decision is up to you. Do you live your life in a smelly, cramped space or do you do what you have to do and then open that door and step out into the sunshine?

Mamavation Monday : Life's a Happy Song

This song will always have meaning to me. It could be because my best friend's name is Walter or that I took my boys to go see the movie it's in and so began their love of The Muppets. It could be any number of things, but at the end of the day, I love this song.

The other night, I was talking to Walter. We were talking about comic book reviews. You see, Walter is an inker in the industry. He's just starting out but already he's done a few books. Back when we were together in Phoenix, he signed one of his books to me :

"To Katrina,
The awesome of awesome. Let life always be a happy song."

I don't know if he knew how much that meant to me or not, but I mentioned the lyrics to this song the other night..Life's a happy song and he pointed out that there's a clause/a caveat on that line..with someone by your side.  It suddenly occurred to me one of the things that has changed for me lately. I no longer see myself as alone in this world.

I told him how that line doesn't have to mean a life partner or anything romantic at all. He's part of what makes my life a happy song. So are my kids and the amazing friends and people that I have surrounded myself with.

It's taken me a long time to realize that the person I need most is me, but that those that walk right along side me are the harmony. They're the rests when I need a break or the fun and silly runs when I need that. Life isn't always easy but it's always a blend of a lot of different notes.

Mamavation Monday : Taking Ownership

Only I hold the key to my life.

Do you ever feel as if you have no idea who you are anymore? That's where I've been for the past month or so. When my grandma died, I felt as if one of the very last things holding me to this planet was gone. I wrote last week about my depression and this week might be a branch off of that.

You see, I sat here in tears one night and all I could think was who am I? Almost all my life, I've lived under titles. I was Millie's granddaughter, Peter's wife (or ex-wife), Ben and Roger's mom, but who was I under all of that? I realized that I honestly didn't know. I knew that if I asked those closest to me, I would get a laundry list of adjectives. People would say that I was kind, loyal, funny, smart and a variety of other things. The thing is, that's what people saw me as. Who was I? Who am I?

This led to my 28 days of all about me decision. When I started this part of my journey, I had 28 days left until I went to Phoenix to visit friends. I made the decision and a public declaration (Ok, it was on Facebook.) that for the next 28 days, I wasn't going to take on a single outside project. I would be there for my friends, but to please not approach me asking me for help with anything that would be more than a conversation. For this time period, I would only be doing things for me, my children or our home.

It's been 10 days since I made that decision and in 10 days, I haven't lifted a finger for anyone else. I hope that this doesn't sound selfish but this is really what I needed and those who love me, understand. They know I'm only a phone call, text or im away but for now, I'm not volunteering my time. Do you know what I discovered? When I'm not living my life for everyone else, there is suddenly time for things like cleaning and laundry. There is time for me to read review copies and write my posts. I discovered that I really do love to learn and so I started studying Irish again. Not only that, but I'm reading an autobiography.

Do you know what else I've done? I've stood up for myself. It made me laugh when two of my friends actually cheered for me when I did this, but suddenly I realized how much I've let my fear of being alone affect how I sometimes allow people to treat me. So, the other night when someone implied that I was a bad person or more accurately that I was doing something morally wrong with my life, I reacted differently. I will admit that for a couple of hours I felt really bad, but then something happened. I got angry. I got angry and I said no. I am not a bad person. I am smart and kind and nice and a good person. I got angry and I said that if people honestly couldn't handle how I live my life, they can choose to not be a part of my life. I stood up for me.

This is good. This is me discovering that deep down, I honestly believe that I'm worthy of being treated right. I'm worthy of being treated right not only by those that I allow in my life (discovery moment: I get to choose!) but also by myself. A friend joked a couple of weeks ago about getting me drunk and having I Am Important tattoed on my forehead. I said you'd add the words to others in there, right? He said no because it's more important that you be important to yourself. He's right. I need to matter to me. So, as another friend told me..This is more than a path of self-discovery. This is you learning to take ownership of your own life.

Mamavation Monday: Support

Wow. According to the clicker, which knows these things, I haven't posted here in a month. I seriously didn't think it had been that long. I guess life came along, scooped me up and before I knew it, time had flown by.  It's late in the day for a Mamavation post but here I am anyway because it's never too late to get, ask for or offer support.

Over the past couple of weeks, some people may have noticed that I haven't been my usual sunshiney self. I was having a really hard time finding the good in most anything and that's really not like me. It wasn't until one of my children asked me why it was that I no longer came downstairs that it clicked with me. While I had been fooling myself that I was happy on the outside, on the inside, I had fallen into the dark arms of depression. I was doing the minimum for getting through each day.

Thank goodness for kids who don't even realize what they're saying sometimes. It was that wake up call that said woah, hang on here. What are you doing? It was that wake up call that led me to reaching out to some of my closest friends and it was knowing that they were out there if I ever needed anyone that helped lead me back into the sunshiney place. It was a really rough week though and it led me to do some looking at myself and figuring out how I can help me and be a better mom to my boys.

For those that don't know, I'm headed back to Phoenix in a mere 26 days. Phoenix is a city that has chewed me up and spit me out more than once and yet, I keep going back. This trip..well, I'm hoping that the 3rd time is the charm and I don't come home in tears again. The purpose of the trip is no more than a vacation. Yep, that's right. For the first time ever, I'm going on vacation all by myself. Eric, who some of you may remember as "my" photographer and one of my closest friends, has agreed to put up with me for a week. This is going to be good for me. Eric will take care of me. If nothing else, he will ensure that I eat. Eating is still a struggle for me but it's one that I'm working on and Eric won't take excuses for why I'm not eating.

Plus, Eric is Mr Popularity. The man is everything socially I never have been..or maybe what I've never allowed myself to be. He's part of the contingent that tells me how much people love me so he might back me in believing that socially perhaps it's been me that's held me back. After all, how can people invite me to do things if they don't know that I exist out here in the middle of nowhere? It might be time to start easing back into circulation. Anyway, the point of me saying he was all popular was the thought that I don't see him letting me just sit in my comfort zone while I'm there. I highly suspect, if we can get transportation, that he'll have me out and about doing things.

Both of those things will be a great help to my mentality and my mindset. Lately, I've been thinking that I need to get back into getting healthy. It's one of those things that when I fall into a depression falls by the way side and it becomes a vicious cycle. However, I did it before and I can do it again. While I've gained back some of the weight that I lost, I haven't by any means gained back all of it. I started out this journey at the low end of a 28 and I'm still a 24. I have the tools and I have the support. I just have to reach out and ask for it.

I have been so amazingly blessed in my life, especially over the past 6 months or so. I've made some incredible friends who hold me up when I'm down and celebrate my successes with me when they come along. They've encouraged me in my writing and they've spent hours listening to me when I just needed an ear. They're helping me get over my fears. I'm a very lucky girl and I can do anything. I just have to believe in myself to try. After all, I didn't become a reviewer by waiting for people to come to me. I had to open the door and go to the people. I won't get anywhere waiting for life to happen to me. I have to make life happen and with the support and love of my friends, I can do that. I don't have to live in a cave..not when there's a whole shiney world out there waiting for me..and y'all know how much I love shinies.

Mamavation Monday: Friendship

The past year has been one of those that if I had to go back, it'd be one that I'd like to change..except, I wouldn't. If you've been here long, you know parts of the story. You know about the sickness and then passing of my grandmother, the woman who raised me, the woman who was my mother. You know of the betrayal that I've felt as I've watched one person after another, people I thought were my friends, turn their backs on me. I've never hid my life from the world and that's not something everyone can understand, but it's part of who I am.

Knowing everything I know though, I wouldn't go back. I wouldn't go back because if I did it would mean that people like Kate, Eric, Ross, Ian and others wouldn't be known to me. These are just a few of the people who have come into my life over the course of the past year and I feel so blessed to have not only met them but to consider them among my friends.

It would also mean that I wouldn't have met my best friend. In fact, if I even tried to change the past 6 months, I might not know him. Don't tell my heart that though. It's pretty sure I've known him forever. I know this will sound sappy but well, you know me, I'm a sappy girl sometimes. The thing is when I met Walter, my heart went ah ha! I know him! It recognized something in him and over the course of a few months, we slowly got to know each other. Then, one day, everything changed and our gradual process went into some sort of hyperdrive and we've never looked back.

Over such a short period, a period really too short for us to know each other this well, we've become this amazing duo. People see us together, even online and it makes them smile. I have to say that I like that. The fact that our happiness together brings others joy is an absolute bonus in something that is already awesome. I know that people roll their eyes when we say we're each other's best friend. What we are doesn't settle easily into society's definition of best friend. Guess what? I don't care. We're redefining the word for what we want and what we are. It's kinda fun being a rebel, ya know.

When I sat down today, I hadn't planned on writing about him. I had something else in mind entirely. Then, I saw this image and all I could think was, "Yes, that's my relationship with Walter, right there." The shadow bit is a bit of a joke between us. Y'all know that I'm all pale and white..even when I think I've a bit of a tan, I'm still all pale and white. Walter, due to his heritage and the fact that the sun doesn't burn him through windows, is a lovely darker hue so when we're together, it is as if he's my shadow. It makes us both laugh when we hold hands to see our skin up against each others. Yes, we laugh at the silliest of things ...and yeah, that's just part of what makes us awesome.

I don't know that ..no, that's not true..I know that we've both cried since we've known each other and that we've both been right there to hold each other and to be each other's shoulders. Just like I know we always will be. No matter what life throws at us, we'll always be there when the other one calls.

He once told me that I was his smile. Those are actually some pretty powerful words but I wouldn't change it. I love him and I will do anything within my power to keep a smile on his handsome face. It's all part of love and friendship. I hurt when he hurts and he hurts when I hurt.

Want to know the best part though? It's that last part. I'll just be me. In life, there are so few people that you don't have some sort of filter with. Walter is my non-filter person. I'm not afraid to tell him anything. I'm not afraid to be sappy or silly or just close my eyes and curl up against him. Together, we have a freedom together that is so hard to find. Neither of us is perfect but we don't judge each other.

This was a rough week for the pair of us. We listened to the voices that were trying to define us and let it get into our heads. It took us nearly a week to realize what this was doing to us and I'm so very thankful that we took the time to work it all out. I'm thankful to our friend Nicki for being the catalyst to shove us back together. I know that she loves us both and while she did choose sides, she's not going to stop loving us or wanting us to be happy.

Here's the thing though. I love Walter. Walter loves me. We really are each other's best friend. As for what anyone else wants us to be, well that's on them. I/we cannot control what other people think or feel or want. What's important right now is what we think or feel or want. We may not be conventional in any sense of the word, but c'mon folks, I don't remember the last time anyone used that term to define me. Why would this amazing thing I have with an amazing man be any different? So what if we're not the traditional definition. It's kind of nice to be undefined. For those who know me and my ocd, stop and think. When was the last time I was ok with anything being undefined? I'm ok with this. That's pretty major for me.

So, here I am..at the end of a long blog post that I know will have some friends gritting their teeth because they saw my tears this past week. Thank you for being there for me when I needed a shoulder. Thank you for caring enough to get angry on my behalf. I'm asking you now though to forgive. Forgive him for hurting me and forgive me for hurting him. I posted this elsewhere but what we did, even in hurting each other, we did together. This was on both of us. Your anger only harms. It harms you as it burns up on the inside. It harms me because it hurts to see you upset, even if it's on my behalf. Maybe I had to let go of something this week, but it was something that was never meant to be there..or if it was, not quite yet.

I can't predict the future, no matter how many of you suspect I can at times. I can only say that right now, in this very moment, I have been blessed enough to have an amazing man (and his fantastic kids) as a part of my life. I can't go back and change the past and I wouldn't choose to if I could. The past brought me here. It brought me the wonderful friends that I consider so incredibly blessed to have in my life. Thank you to those who defended me and my heart this week. I noticed and it meant so very much to me. I want us all to move on now, though..let's move on and work on bringing each other joy, not sorrow and anger.

As for the rest of the world, I know what you see when you look at us and that's ok. You can call us whatever you want because that's your definition. We don't have to live by that definition. We're stronger than that. We've proven that this week. Walter, for the record, even at the end of this long post, I love you and I'm so happy that we're in each other's lives. We may have tripped over each other but the best part of that? I get to hold your hand while we help each other back up.

Mamavation Monday: Healing

I'm a day late but I don't care. Isn't that selfish of me? I guess I don't really care about that either. What's important is here is my post. The date at the top or the bottom doesn't matter. It matters that it's here and I'm here.

Not only am I here, but I'm here and I'm healing. I just got back from a weekend in Canada and I honestly had no idea that by driving 14 hours or so round trip, my heart would start to heal. It did though. I just needed time with the people who really and truly love me, who accept me..all of me..and who I can just be with. I don't have to be mom or in charge or anything, I can just be.

Am I making any sense? Honestly, I'm not really sure. My thoughts are scattered today, but the one thing that keeps coming through my head is that I am loved. I know people tell me that all the time, but sometimes..just sometimes..you need to physically feel that. I had that this weekend. I was hugged on Friday. I was hugged so many times on Saturday. I was hugged on Sunday. I was hugged on Monday. Those hugs were a healing catalyst. They reminded me that I'm not alone in this world. All I have to do is reach out and people are there.

Not just any people, but my family. We all know that the family given to me by blood is ..well...not the healthiest thing in my life. With the distance and everything over the course of the past year, I'd cut off a piece of myself and locked it away. I'd convinced myself I didn't need this anymore. Being back with my family, the family I was blessed to have found during another period when I felt alone, woke up that part of me. I need that part of me. I need to be all of me, not just parts of me..not just the parts that people find socially "acceptable".

So while this post might seem disjointed, it's only because ...well, a part of me has woken up and I'm filled with huge amounts of emotion today. This time, however, it's not negative. It's..well like rainbows and sunshine are filling me from the inside out. I left a piece of me behind in Ontario, but what I brought back is so much more. It's as if each of those hugs came together to form some sort of...love shawl and I can feel it wrapped around me. It's holding me tight and it's keeping me safe as I heal from the damages that have happened.

I am so beyond blessed to have some seriously amazing people in my life and today, I celebrate being a part of life. Today, I am loved as I was yesterday and so many yesterdays before that. Thank you, my friends and my family for reminding me of who I am...and ..well, for making me human again. Thank you, Rob..for pointing out just how far I'd slipped. It was good to be home.

Mamavation Monday: Building Blocks

I honestly can't believe that it's Monday again already. The last week whipped by and here we are again. I want to start out by thanking those of you who read, commented on and shared last week's post. It was a very personal one for me and the fact that it touched others means a lot. This week's post is yet another post that only vaguely speaks of weight loss. It's far more about how baby steps and building routines are my current way of life.

You see, I spent a lot of last year completely overwhelmed and it got to the point where I basically shut down. I did the minimum it took to survive. I ate because I was supposed to. I took care of my boys because that's something I'd never not do. I was there for others because that's who I am. I let everything else go. This year, I don't want to live like that again.

January 1st always has a fresh start mentality for me. I can let go of what happened for the 365 days before that and look at life as a new canvas. It's a blank canvas and as such, I can add to it whatever I want.

There it is. My 2012. It's bright. It's clean. It's pure of all negativity. There's no depression there. There's no anxiety. There's just opportunity. Let me show you what my 2011 canvas looked like.

In it's own way, it's beautiful. You see lines of color, sections of beauty but overall, you see chaos. That was my 2011. It was chaos. I would have periods of time where everything would be coming together and then like in a Batman comic/show of old, something would go BAM! and chaos would reign all over again.

I don't want that for my life. So, for 2012, like a skilled artist, I will build the painting of my life. I don't care if this takes me the entire year. I don't care if it means that my house lies in chaos as I add in one small routine a week. In the end, I will have this:

Image courtesy of  The Johnson Galleries

Just like my home and the rest of my life, weight loss and fitness will come in stages. Right now, I am preparing the canvas. I am working through the mental aspects and adding in my water intake. Yes, I've been on this stage for a while but that's ok. It's best to do it properly versus rushed. In the end, I would rather do it properly and look like this (I already have the boobs! Just need to figure out how to get them up like that.):

Image Courtesy of Eric Basaldua

My other option would try to rush things. I could jump right in and workout 6 days a week. I could drink all the water I should be. I could make all the dietary changes I should make. I could do all that or I could starve myself to be "thin". The problem is..I'd never maintain the first one for more than a month or so if I tried doing it all at once. The second one? Well, we all know that's just not healthy and healthy is important to me. I want to be around to hang out with some of the incredible people I've met in the past year. I want to be around for my kids. I want to be around to enjoy the wonders of life around me. So, I'd rather do it right and be an EBAS (aka Eric up there) model versus do it wrong and end up burned out, used up and/or sick. Wonder Woman is far sexier than this:

Image Courtesy of The Walking Dead

So, welcome 2012, the year of building ...me.

Mamavation Monday : Back in the Saddle?

Art By Jose Cano

I've been missing around these here parts for a while now. The truth is that I had so much going on that weight loss wasn't anywhere near the front of my mind. I could make excuses but the reality is that I chose not to focus on it. I'm back though. Little by little, I've been putting things back into place. Last week, I focused on my other blog and this week, here I am. I'm adding this piece back into the rotation that is becoming the schedule of my life.

I don't have anything mind blowing to say this week. Then again, I'm not sure that I ever really do. That's ok, though. This site isn't about mind blowing, it's about reshaping ourselves into healthy and happy people.

Oddly enough, I'm doing fairly well with the happy part. I know that the new year is really more symbolic than anything more than another day but this year, I needed that symbolism to wipe away the negativity of the past year and to help me to refocus on areas I've been neglecting. I've recently started a group on Facebook...a group I thought would have about 5 people in it..and it's grown quickly to 75 people. I'm amazed and in awe that so many people are putting their trust and faith in me to help them this coming year.

In other thoughts, it looks as if I might be going to Arizona in May. Keep your fingers, toes and eyes crossed that this happens. It's been too long since I've gotten to go out there and I've missed it. Add to that, there's a chance I'll be attending the Phoenix Comic Con and meeting up with some fantastic people that I've met in the past year. This is where all the insecurities rise..not so much on the meeting up with these people, but on the what I'm going to wear side.

You see, I attended a con back around my birthday and saw people dressed up. In fact, my friend, Lauren, actually dressed up (and looked super great, I might add). I want to dress up. If we go, we'll have full weekend passes (though I'm hoping to score media passes) so that's multiple chances to dress up. Here's where I hit the brick wall. I've heard the comments about bigger girls dressing up. I've read the comments where people say if you're a bigger girl, your costuming choices are Fiona from Shrek or that marshmallow guy from Ghostbusters. Seriously. Ouch. I don't want to dress like that. I want to be sexy. The question is..Is it possible? Let's face it..comic book heroines don't look like me. They look how I look in my dreams. I want to be sexy but I don't want to be a laughing stock with people whispering how I'm about 100 pounds too big for whoever I want to dress up as.

It's something I'm going to have to do some thinking about. I may approach Kate..comic book colorist extraordinare and pin up girl hotness (she's not one, just looks like she could be) to see if she has any ideas. I'm hoping to lose more between now and Memorial Day weekend, but I need to be realistic. It won't be 100 pounds. I wouldn't mind hitting my next goal though..that's only 21 pounds away.

No numbers for this week other than the scale (which I still don't trust) .... 246.6. That puts my total loss at 45 pounds (assuming that scale is vaguely accurate).

Does anyone know which way the numbers are supposed to go?

Clearly mine are going the wrong way. I have to say it's very frustrating to see a bounce like this. Normally I'm very optimistic and I'm going to continue to be. My weight is up this week, and next week it's going to be back down. I need to do better on the water again, since I was so busy at work last week, that I didn't do as well as I like to. Also I need to plan a little better on portions. Tonight is pork chops and I expect to have a start of a good week. How did you all do this week?



Today's weight: 359.2 +2.4 pounds

Mamavation Monday

Time is flying by and I'm having a bit of trouble keeping up! It's hard to believe but in 3 short weeks, school will be starting again. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the obvious reasons. I haven't bought school supplies yet. The kids don't have new shoes yet. I'm also not ready because it means I "lose" my boys. They go back to their dad's and I only have them here with me every other weekend. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for summer to end. 

Summer is over yet, though and we have plans! Woo! This weekend, we're going down to Toledo to celebrate the marriage of my friends, Chris and Lauren. I'm so happy for the pair of them. This will be the first time just the boys and I have ever gone to a wedding reception. I don't worry about their behavior. I just hope that they have a good time.  

Then, it's home to do more cleaning and purging. It feels good to see space opening up in this house. We're not close to done yet but already we can see so much improvement in the house and it's making us all happy to see it. During that time we also have to start packing for our family vacation! Woo!

For the first time really ever, we're going on a family vacation. Justin, the boys and I are going camping labor day weekend. We're all so excited. We're staying at a state campground right on Lake Huron so there's going to be camping and walks around the campground. We're also planning on visiting at least one lighthouse and a dinosaur park. Did I mention that I can't wait? I'm so excited. I've already got lists going of everything that needs to be bought (groceries) or packed (everything else).  

What does all this mean about my fitness goals? It means that right now, they're still back burnered while I enjoy every moment that I can with my boys. We're still drinking water and we even talked about working exercise into our schedules. My boys are learning and growing with me on this journey. It's a good thing.

What qualities do you look for in a healthy breakfast? Any go-to breakfast recommendations for a busy mom?

I don't know that I have any recommendations. We prefer quick and easy. Smoothies are one of our favorites. The supplies are always on hand and it's as easy as tossing everything into the blender. As for qualities, I would say that quick and easy is at the top of the list in addition to be filling and healthy.

 “This post is sponsored by Quaker Oats and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway hosted by Mamavation and sponsored by Quaker Oats.”

Summertime Blues and Dangerous Dieting

Well, it has been quite a while since I have posted, so I should give a brief summary of all that has happened to me in the past couple of months. Well, school came to a screeching close way too soon for me (I never seem to have enough time in a school year to accomplish everything I want to accomplish), I went to Washington DC with a group of teachers for a week, and I got very involved in a new relationship which created far too much stress in my life. It has been unbearably hot outside, and I haven't been hiking for the first two-thirds of the summer.

I am starting to get the relationship stuff figured out, and think it needs to come to an end, which of course will cause more stress. I got out hiking this past weekend (it felt good to put a few miles under my feet again), and I am slowly getting myself together with a little counseling and support of good friends.

So my weigh-in first: 276.8. I am up from my low of 271 point whatever, and down from my start weight on the blog of 277 and definitely down from my start weight when I first started trying to lose weight of 294. So, hopefully I will get back on track now.

I have some friends though, that have lost huge amounts of weight, 18 pounds in the past month, give or take. It is kind of depressing, until I learned exactly what they were doing. They were following a fad diet from the 70's which has become repopularized of late called the HCG diet. The diet involves a strict calorie limit of 500 (in their case 700) calories per day. Everything they eat is low-fat and they cut sugar and starches almost completely out of their diets. They take a multivitamin, and they take HCG drops to aid in the weight loss (FWIW, even without the drops, a 700 calorie a day diet would cause dramatic weight loss).

Katie and I did some talking about this diet and researching it, and learned some pretty interesting facts:

• HCG is a hormone created by a woman's body to nourish the womb and make it a good place for a fetus to develop.
• More than a dozen clinical trials tried to verify the value of HCG in weight loss and found no direct benefit.
• HCG influences other hormone levels including estrogen and progesterone.
• The FDA considers HCG illegal as a diet aid and prevents direct-to-consumer sales.
• The National Institutes of Health say that the minimum daily caloric intake should be 1,200 for women and 1,500 for men.
• A 1981 study found 17 people who died after following severe calorie restriction diets for 5 months.

There is no magic cure for obesity. There is no superdiet out there waiting to be found. Common sense at the table and moderate physical activity are what are needed to lose weight. Time for me to get back on track!