Weekly Update: Dramatic Week

 Whew...I'm almost glad it's Monday again after last week. I posted that I was a good girl and went and had my annual mammogram. What I didn't expect was to get a call on Tuesday saying that they'd seen something and wanted me to come back in for an additional mammogram on my right breast and an ultrasound on both. Eek! Honestly, this didn't freak me out too much...Okay, it did freak me out some. I can't lie about it...people who dealt with me read this...

I'd never been called back for both before and it worried me. I mean, cancer is a big scary word and I was hearing it a lot in my head. So, Wednesday I went back for the mammogram. It was a tough one. They applied a lot more pressure and had me standing in ways that no normal person ever stands in. After taking more images than my original mammogram, the technician put me back into the private waiting area while she checked to see if more were needed. I waited in there, fussing and fretting for 15 minutes before she came back to tell me that the radiologist wanted more. Oy. When it was finally over, I took about a hundred deep breathes and went to Walmart and bought clearance LEGO...as if I need more, right?

Thursday rolled around and I went in for the ultrasound. The technician and the intern were both really nice and we chatted throughout most of the ultrasound. I guess I became so used to being a "guinea pig/learning tool" while pregnant all those years ago that having a male intern in there was no big deal. It's all medical, right? Anyway, she did very thorough ultrasounds of both breasts and I'm not going to lie. Her silence while she worked on the right one freaked me out. Afterwards? Back to Walmart, this time to buy Dylan's birthday present. 

Then it became a waiting game. On Saturday the results of the mammogram came back and said suspicious and that a biopsy was recommended. That scared the tar out of me. Typical me, I made jokes with the few people I had told. They all knew though. They know me well enough by now. I had nightmares of ...well...not getting to be back with Rob or "the man" ever again or being physically rejected by them if I had to have a masectomy. Crazy stupid I know. 

Yesterday I updated my "if I die" file which is basically like a will and I sent it to Rob and to Justin so they'd have it. By that point, I'd calmed down and realized it was probably all nothing, but I guess I wanted to be prepared anyway.

Today, the results of the ultrasound came in and it basically says there's a whole bunch of cysts happening and they're probably benign. I'm waiting for them to call me to find out what the next step is. It could be the biopsy or it could be come back in six months and we'll look everything over again. Either way, I don't think it's going to be super scary bad news, thank goodness. I kept thinking how will I handle both cancer and diabetes when I'm struggling just to handle the diabetes. It's good that I won't have to. 

...and that was my kinda scary week. I'm so glad it's over so that I can take a long, deep breath and get back to regular life.

Weekly Update: Squished and Squashed

 What a week, eh? I'm not even sure where to start. I guess back on Tuesday....

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and as much as I wanted to skip it, I went anyway. I'm not sure that my doctor is thrilled with my progress, but it is what it is. I lost 8 pounds and while it's not as much as I wanted, I'm happy with it. Of course, my eating went to hell for the rest of the week but I've gone grocery shopping and I can get back on track with that. She gave me another new medication to add in and I've noticed that something like 7-8 hours after taking it, I have horrible stomach acid issues. Hopefully that doesn't last. 

On Wednesday, I went with Roger to go look at apartments for next year. I'm not ready for him to permanently out of the house. The apartments were nice though and he and his roommate chose one and let the owner know that they're interested. I believe on Thursday he and his dad met with the owner and got the ball rolling on that. It caused me some severe anxiety because it feels as if he no longer needs me and I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that I raised him to be independent. 

On Friday, I went into town and picked up all of the medication that I'm now taking as well as some groceries. Nothing exciting, although I did get to spend time with Ben which I always love. I also bought Roger some pots and pans for the new apartment. Oh...and I finally gave Dylan his Christmas present. I haven't heard, but I hope he liked it. 

The weekend was quiet. I discovered Saturday that out of nowhere I'd started a heavy period. Of course, it disappeared on Sunday and reappeared today. I'm not sure my body really knows what's going on. I hope once I'm adjusted to all the medication, etc, things will balance out and no more bodily shenanigans will happen.

Today I went and had my annual mammogram done. It doesn't usually bother me, but today it felt like more squishing and squashing than in the past. My body is wonky so maybe things are just more sensitive. I'll probably get the results from that tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm not expecting anything out of the ordinary but it'll be good to get the official all clear for this year.

As for right now, I know this post is kinda...crummy...but I'm not feeling good due to the girl stuff happening, so I'm going to curl up with my blanket and watch some tv. Tomorrow I have a comic to proofread and I might work on my end of the year financial update as well as starting the new spreadsheet for 2021. Oh...and bringing in the new heated blanket that I bought at the store today...

Take care of yourselves and each other!

313.2

Weekly Update: Tongue afire...

 Man, I forgot to tell the fine folks at Subway to not add the additional Buffalo sauce to my sandwich after it was toasted. I don't mind the heat, but when there's that much on there, it drowns out the taste of everything else and leaves my nose running a bit...plus the mouth afire thing, but that doesn't so much bother me as much.

So, my little chickadees, how is everyone this week? Christmas is over and in theory, things have settled down. I say in theory because that's not so much the case here. I have a project that *must* be done in the next two days as well as another tidy of the living room and sweeping needs to happen. Now that I worked so hard getting it to okay, I want to keep it that way until I figure out how to downsize some more. I'll do a quick swish and swipe in the bathroom tomorrow so make sure that it stays up to par. 

I almost can't believe it, but I have two Christmas presents that still haven't arrived and show no sign of doing so any time soon. It's been eleven days since the last one's tracking updated and the other one was shipped without tracking. Hopefully they arrive soon. I've given up on my daily checks but will still check a few times each week. 

Christmas was good though. All the kids came over on the 22nd and we had pizza, watched a movie, and played Monopoly on the xbox. Then, the next morning, Molly joined us and we all opened gifts. I think everyone liked what they got. I didn't hear any complaints anyway. I got some great gifts...2 Lego sets, a new pan, and a Ninja Foodi Blender that we scored on clearance. I'm looking forward to having the kitchen in a place where my counters are clear and my floors aren't falling apart so I can use those last two. Now that the outside trash can is empty (again...that's 2 weeks in a row that I remembered!), I can haul out the Christmas trash and there will be room for more from the kitchen. It feels good to see so much going out and to see clear surfaces again. I really do wish I could figure out the living room. I know that it simply comes down to me having too many books, but I want to read them all...

Anyway, today Ben had his checkup at Mary Free Bed. He doesn't have to go back for six months and she's going to schedule him for a drivers readiness test to check his reflexes, flexibility, and all of that. We haven't told his dad and stepmom yet but while it scares me spitless to think of him driving, it's an important possible step in his independence. 

As for me, I have a doctor's appointment on the fifth. I need to message the office and see if I have to get more blood work done before that. I also need to do some research and find some meal options. I'm tired of what I've been eating and need to switch it up. 

That's all for today, I think...I need to get a move on before I run out of time for this project. Plus, I still have cats to feed, clothes to hang up to dry, and a never ending list like we all have. I hope your holidays were/are wonderful. Take care of yourselves and each other!

Weekly Update: Blurgh...

 I'm late today getting this written. I  made a big mistake last night. I was wide awake, so I stayed up until something like 2:30am watching Death in Paradise because the newest season has finally hit brit box. Then, since it was so late, I decided to sleep on the couch. Big mistake. This couch isn't as deep as my other one was I just couldn't get as comfortable as I needed to get. I slept in 2-3 hour stretches and then Ben started calling around 8:30am. 

Oddly enough, I've only been a bit tired today which is good. What's bad and led to blurgh being the title is that my stomach is reacting to my medication today. I've not had one day where it hasn't but it's mostly been a bit of heartburn or a wave of nausea. I haven't had the rush to the bathroom stuff for a few days...until today. Blurgh. 

I even had the chance to be "bad" and pick up some pizza for dinner but it was so bad that the idea of food made me cringe. Now, I'm home, in comfy clothes, writing this post, and have no idea what I'll do for dinner. I have a few options, none of which sound good at all.

Other than that, I'm doing okay so far as I know. I don't have any medical stuff until next week so that's good. I do have a few files to "pretty up" for Anthony which will put a bit more money in the account which is also good. Ben "graduated" from OT today so I don't know when I'll be going into town, which is good and bad. I won't be seeing Ben until I don't know when. I'll have to make special trips for groceries, but I'll be home to hopefully get everything cleaned up for Christmas. 

That's my big goal. I want to have the downstairs (minus my studio and the laundry room) done for Christmas. I'm not sure what day we're doing it yet, but I don't want the kids to come in and want to leave immediately because it's so gross. 

That reminds me. I have three packages at the post office that I have to pick up tomorrow. I have no idea what they are. They could be comics from Kickstarter or Christmas gifts that I've ordered. I'll go pick them up tomorrow and then, depending on how far along the house is, I'll get things wrapped this weekend. I also have to write my Christmas cards. House first though. That's number one. Besides, I prefer to sit and wrap everything all at once and I need to wrap up my shopping. I know what I'm getting. I just have to get the funds and then order it. Easy peasy, right? 

For now though, I'm going to put the few groceries away that I bought during a spell when I don't feel like I'm going to heave. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

Weekly Update: Well, here we go...

 I don't know how many of you read my "bonus" post this week, but if you haven't, I've been diagnosed with diabetes. That's a scary sounding word, but my doctor has assured me that if I get my act together and eat healthier, exercise, and drop some weight, it's totally reversible. So, you'll probably be reading a lot for a while about my attempts at those things. 

It's tough because I can't afford to just replace everything in my fridge/pantry. I have to eat what's here. Still, as things go, I'm not replacing some of them. No more buying muffins or cookies, for example. I have quite a backlog of cereal, but once that's gone, I think I'm going to try overnight oats. Once the kitchen floor is fixed, I'll have better access to my stove which will allow me to do things like cook eggs for breakfast. Protein protein protein is apparently the new name of my diet game. 

Speaking of the kitchen floor, I've created another schedule for myself which allows for at least 15 minutes of cleaning each day. I figure with that, it won't be too long before I can notify the owners about that floor. With really needing the ability to cook again, it's more important than ever to get that taken care of. 

Mostly, I guess that it's important that I'm only freaking out a little. I've let a few people know and they've been super supportive. Rob pointed out that I have support and love as I work on making these changes. That's so important right now. I need to know that I have people I can turn to on good days and on bad days. I've posted vague posts to Facebook about a health issue but I haven't gone further than that. The posts didn't get a lot of attention but the comments were supportive which was nice. 

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, went to the post office, and read over my list of things that I need to do today. There are a couple that I'm pretty meh about, but I need to stick with this schedule the best that I can. That means packaging up books to mail and cleaning even if I don't really want to. Does anyone have any idea where I put the packing tape?

 

Weekly Update: A Day Early

 I hope nobody minds, but I'm writing this on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. My week feels topsy-turvy and I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done. So, instead of taking my usual down time tonight, I'm knocking a few of the easier to move around things out. 

The biggest things on my mind are a couch and a doctor's appointment. The couch currently belongs to my ex-husband and his wife. They're upgrading their furniture and I've been offered the couch. As I remember, it's not the most comfortable of pieces of furniture (which is why it's been in the basement tv area and not upstairs) but it also isn't falling apart. I guess mine isn't technically falling apart. It's just that the fabric over the springs has torn so the cushion gets shoved down between the springs. Still, a free couch to replace one that I'm constantly having to "fix" isn't a bad deal, right? The problem is that a) I love how comfy my current couch is and b) the living room isn't in "replacing a couch" condition. So, that adds more work to my first half of the week. That stresses me out because I know I won't have it done when the kids come with the couch. Why? I have to projects to get through this week.

Second thing? Yep. That doctor's appointment. Normally I don't fuss over them, but I looked over my blood test results and my glucose is really high. High enough that it could explain the constant fatigue. Crap. I'm still going to ask about a lung capacity test but clearly this is a big sign that I need to get my shit in order. I've been terrible this summer/fall with eating out/ordering in and having entire meals that are nothing more than milk and cookies. Covid depression craves comfort foods and comfort foods are so unhealthy for me. 

Now we just got news that we're going into a 3 week mini-lockdown here. I'm sure if I look at social media, people are already complaining. I'm already over it even though it barely affects me. It means no sit down going out for dinner. Well, maybe that's not such a horrible thing for me. I have no idea how to fix my diet, but I'm going to start with the obvious...no more buying chips, cookies, and muffins. I can't afford to not eat what's here, but at least I won't be bringing more in. I'll cut back on the sugary cereal as well. There are healthier options, I've just been ignoring them.

So, stress...blah...In other news, I finished writing and formatting Apo's Army last week. That's good. I have three stories written for Back to the Toy Store - also good. I haven't written anything in at least four days - not so great. I'm like 10,000 words behind for NaNo. This may be the first year in about five years that I lose. I just don't have the stamina mentally to deal with the stress and to come up with brilliant stories. I've put write 3-5 stories in my to do list for this week, but we'll see what happens. First priority needs to really be getting the living room ready for the couch. I'm so over the clutter in here. I'm starting to consider getting rid of an entire collection of books that I have on a shelf behind the front door. So many new to me books come in that I rarely go back to the older ones that I have. On top of that, I couldn't tell you one that I really long to read again. Clearing off that shelf would allow for me to possibly empty out a box or two of books just taking up space in my living room. I don't know though. I do know that I'm going to have the boys haul the not yet built bookcase out to the street on Wednesday. One of the cats scratched the hell out of the box and ruined the backboard on the book. These are super cheap shelves and I can afford to replace them when I'm ready for them. Until then, it's just more clutter that I'm tired of looking at. 

Baby steps, right? If I can keep getting rid of things, it will clear out in here. I wish Ben could come back out. He's such a huge help and motivator when he's here. If I didn't think someone would bitch, I'd ask the boys to take some stuff back with them to drop at Goodwill for me. I can hear a certain one of them complaining though. Ahhh well...I'll figure it all out somehow. 

And that's what's stressing me out. I can either do this or it will trample me but I'll survive, so either way...it's going to be what it's going to be.

Weekly Update: Ups and Downs

I wanted to come in here today and tell you that everything is alright, but it's not and I don't want to lie to you or to myself. Things aren't okay. I go outside of the house and it's easy to pretend that they are. I guess having years of experience has paid off. I talk with people and nobody knows that as soon as I'm alone again, it will all come crashing down.

I've cried so much this week. Most of the time I didn't even know why. I find it harder and harder to hold back when I see something that bothers me. Facebook is really hard because I need to not lose it there. I can't call people fucking morons when those are the words in my head. I've posted a couple of posts that were rawer than usual and it's been okay, but there's a difference between people wanting you to be honest with how you're feeling and you putting it right there in their faces. If I can't reign it in, I'm on a crash course to having no career. Sometimes I just have to close my laptop and watch tv...but nothing I need to invest in because I can't pay attention for that long. My show of choice lately has been Law and Order: SVU. It's an hour with a lot of brain breaks (commercials) in there.

Last night was hard. Yesterday was hard for no discernible reason other than my brain hates me...and it's always a little bit worse at night when you're more alone and it's harder to hide from your demons. I came across (by accident) a podcast done by Nick Gibson, the man who had harassed me, who had lied to me. I told myself to leave it alone, but I couldn't. I watched all 42 minutes of it. I screamed at my phone at the lies that he told, at the compliments that the host gave him. When he said that he had intentionally not send out my replacement book and shrugged it off, I stared in shock. I kept telling myself to turn it off, even when I started to cry, but I couldn't. It broke me, but not because of him.

In the grand scheme of my life, he's a nobody. In the comics community, he's less than nobody, no matter what he claims. People aren't flocking to him to buy his books or to tell him how great he is. I've seen his social media. He's invisible. His only true fan is himself and I doubt that he's even that. I doubt he loves himself. So often we treat others the way we have been treated or even how we treat ourselves. Often, it's the way we want to be treated, but I think it's far more one of the first two for him. It's sad really that he's never been shown the proper way to treat people and when he was, he lashed out and abused that.

I've written here before about my rape. I've mentioned my parents and their behavior. When I'm depressed, demons appear that I thought were long gone. This whole thing with Nick was like the key to Pandora's box. It opened it up and suddenly I've been dealing with things that ought to be done and over with. I feel incredibly fragile, as if I could break at any moment. I long for someone to just hold me and tell me that it will be okay, but there's nobody here to do that. I'm on my own. Some have tried to reach out to me and I so appreciate that. In those moments, I feel stronger. I feel as if this won't swallow me whole. They're the reason that I'm not in bed, but instead am on the couch writing this post.

I may be in tears, but I'm still here...

Weekly Update: I think I'm sick

I don't know what's caused it, but suddenly the numbers for this site have massively dropped. Maybe I'm just not very exciting..lol. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for those of you who have stuck around.

This past week has had its ups and its downs. On Tuesday, I released my first book into the world. It seems to have gone pretty well for being a nobody writer and not doing as much hype as I should have. It's weird and exciting to see people posting pictures of the book as they're receiving it. I'm saving all of those pictures so I can use them in the future, even if it's just to show myself that I did it.

Tuesday was also my 5th anniversary with "the man". We didn't do anything for it which was a bit disappointing. I had hoped he'd send a card or a gift or something. Five years feels like kind of a big deal to me, especially with how our relationship is. I still need to get his gift out in the mail. It's sitting here on my couch, just waiting for me to address the box and take it to the post office. I really need to get on that.

Another small down for the week...someone jokingly commented that I need to be the center of attention and it had me in tears. My mother used to say that to me, usually before she slapped me. It's been said that I work a lot in the background and that I do a lot without people ever noticing. Lately though, I've wanted credit for my work and it's stung when I see people liking other people's things, etc but when I do the same thing, it's essentially ignored. I think it's not wanting to be the center of attention, but more wanting to be acknowledged, to feel as if I have value. Anyway, I let one joking comment ruin my entire day as I sat around questioning if I really was/am a horrible person.

I think I've come to realize that I'm in a depressive episode even though I don't feel the down emotions. My house has become a disaster again. Even my youngest pointed out that maybe if I got it cleaned up, I wouldn't feel so bad. I make plans for doing things, but then I can't seem to make myself do them. I actually paid my youngest to help me knock out a couple of bigger projects. He's right. It does help to know that they're done. There's still so much more to get done though and I don't seem to have the willpower to get to it. I get up, I work, I eat, I watch tv, and I sleep. That's essentially my life.

On top of all of that, I'm sick. I don't think it's Covid or anything scary. I have a headache, I'm exhausted, phlegmy cough, watery feeling lungs...sounds like July in Michigan for me. It's made it harder than ever though to get anything accomplished. My plan for today is this post and working. I have to work. I feel as if I'm behind so maybe even though I should just go to bed, I need to keep pushing. Luckily, it's a really good book from a series that I love so it doesn't feel as if I'm slogging through it.

Wow, this post is a total bummer, isn't it? Let's hope that things start perking up and I find my mojo again.

Weekly Update: 95%

I'm back! I'm not 100%, but I'd put me at about 95%. I'm finally able to get through the day without having to take a nap. My body would like me to take one, but I'm not having to do it. My cough was gone, but yesterday I had to go out and do some shoveling and clearing off the car. Since then, I've been coughing some again...deep coughs. I hope it's not a sign that something is coming back. Fingers crossed!

On other fronts, I've started working on making sure that I'm taking my medicine every night. I have missed 4 days this month but I'm not beating myself up over it. I'll get back into the routine. I may move my pills up to my bedroom so they're "in my face" at bedtime. I haven't quite decided yet.

The kids are all doing well. Ben is doing Special Olympics basketball and has his first tournament this coming Saturday. Roger had a concert last night and it went really well. Dylan...well, I mostly hear about girls from him. I hope he's applying himself that much to his studies. He's impatient to get to the advanced courses and think the early ones are a waste of time.

I know this is a super short update, but I'm kind of blank as to what to write about today. So, for now...have a grand week and I'll see you soon!