Weekly Update: Backsliding

 I'm getting a late start today because I've spent the past few nights up far too late. That means I sleep in way too late and a cycle begins. Starting tonight I've got to buckle down and get myself to bed on time and start turning on that alarm that I said I was going to. I guess I did a bit of backsliding, but it's nothing that can't be readjusted. 

Other than that, things are okay. I got my car fixed so that's one less worry. I even got a load of laundry done for the first time in months. I'm going to try to get another load done today. It will probably have to wait until I get back from taking Ben to OT, but it can be done. Baby steps are still steps, after all. 

The kittens both go in to be fixed on Wednesday so I have to remember no food for them after midnight tomorrow. They're not going to like it, but I'll have to keep them in the bathroom overnight. Of course, that means one night of Mina not sticking her face in mine until I wake up to her cold nose. Of course, it also means getting up early to get them into the vet on time. I guess it balances out.

In other news, I managed to write another story for the book. It feels different from the other stories though so I hope it fits in. I also managed to write two comic reviews and a Kickstarter of the Week for Geek-o-Rama so that felt really good. I hadn't written a review in forever. I'm going to try to do one more this week. I have stacks off comics sitting here that I can write about. 

Let's see...still nothing from "the man." I think this is week 5 now. I saw a picture of him yesterday and he looks tired, like life is dragging him down. I'm not spending much time focused on him though. I have my own life that needs living. Things with Rob are okay. We've settled into a pattern of him texting me every few days and sometimes me texting somewhere in between. He's back to his life now though so he doesn't always respond. I'm sure he reads it, thinks he'll respond when he gets a minute, then forgets. I dunno. It is what it is. 

Wow, I really don't know what to write about today. Usually the words flow, but not this afternoon. My brain just keeps telling me I should go back to sleep. That's not going to happen though. I have just two hours until I have to change clothes and head out. Sorry, body. 

What I am going to do though is get some work done. I feel miles behind on this book for a client and I have some comic projects lined up for after that so I need to get moving on this. Have an amazing week, everyone.

Love you!

Weekly Update: God What a Week

God, what a week. Monday was okay, I guess...Well, no, it wasn't. On Monday, we realized that we didn't think Mittens was eating. We couldn't be 100% sure though. On Tuesday, when I couldn't coax her to eat wet food or tuna, I knew we had a problem and I called the vet. They were booked, but the vet herself called me back around 7pm that night. She offered to leave out antibiotics or I could bring her in the following morning. My gut said to take her in, so I did. I haven't really told anyone what happened and I know this is going to make me cry, but ...

When we got there, the assistant directed me to take her and wait under the gazebo. They don't allow humans inside the practice right now. A few minutes later, the vet came out and took her back to take her temperature. Just a few minutes passed before she came out and told me that Mittens had lost over half her body weight since they'd seen her just two years before. I knew she'd lost weight, but she's always been so dainty that I didn't realize it was that bad. She told me we could do blood tests, iv fluids, but there was only one or two things that she may recover from and she'd have to be treated for the rest of her life. I asked if we gave her fluids (she was severely dehydrated), how long before we'd know if they were helping. The vet told me that if I was planning on putting her to sleep if they didn't work, she'd rather I just do it then instead of having Mittens last day being poked and prodded. I knew then that there was no hope...my heart shattered when I told the vet that that's what we should do. She went in, gave her the shot, and then brought her back to me in her carrier. We sat there under the gazebo, the wind blowing softly, and her head bumping my hand for loves right until she passed. The vet came out and wrapped her in a baby blanket before taking her away. I went to my car and tried not to sob while it took both assistants to figure out how to bring me the flea meds that I needed for the other cats. Then, I went to Dairy Queen, got a cherry slush and cried my way back home.

That afternoon or maybe it was Thursday, a friend approached me about what had happened on a webshow that I'm often part of (or was..I suspect that's very over). He didn't know how to handle it and was super sweet about not wanting to bother me with it, but as we're both in the same line of work, it affected me too. My brain was mush from grief but I felt as if I had to make a stand. I posted a long post to Facebook that basically boiled down to "If you're an asshole, I won't work with you." I never called out anyone, said anything about the webshow or any of its hosts. It really wasn't about them. It was about me. It was about my career. It was about standing up for what's right. Hate groups, no matter the direction of the hate, aren't right. If you know me, you know hate isn't even in my vocabulary. It's an alien concept to me. I can't understand why anyone would hate anyone just because they're different.

I wish it had ended there. It didn't. People commented, mostly in support. One or two seemed thinly veiled but I let them go. I got private messages. One was from the guy who runs the network the webshow is on. He asked who had pushed me to write what I wrote. I told him it didn't matter, that I'd said what I'd said and I'd stand by it. I did tell him that there was some concern with one of their hosts. He defended the host. His choice. At this point, I was already unable to focus, half unable to form sentences due to the loss of Mittens and the ugliness that was rearing its head. I was leaning heavily on a couple of friends who were seeing what was happening.

I announced that I was slowly going to bring back Geek-o-Rama, a site that I've ran for over 8 years and got a not even slightly veiled slap out at me. It hurt. I won't lie. I had people who I considered friends turn on me. Why? Because I said I wouldn't work with assholes. If you don't know, there are a lot of assholes in the comics community. Some belong to a group called Comicsgate. I won't get into their details, but they're a hate group. Some who belong...well, it makes no sense, but they're like lambs to the slaughter or something.

Anyway, it was too much for me. I was crying constantly. I was angry. I was exhausted. Then, Friday night, just when I was praying it was all over and I was going to go to bed, a bat started swooping around my living room. I opened the door to let it out and two of my cats ran out. It was midnight. I couldn't find them in the dark. Hell, I was on my front porch in a tank top and underwear trying to get them back in. I finally did go put pants on. After 90 minutes, I managed to get both cats inside and locked up in the bathroom. I said fuck it to the bat and went to bed, shutting the 3rd cat with me in my bedroom. A few hours later, I woke up to find one of the bathroom cats laying on me. My door appeared to be shut. I honestly thought I had snapped, that I had lost my mind. I kept looking at him, looking at the door, trying not to freak out...and after a few minutes got up, realized my door was not latched, went downstairs to go to the bathroom and discovered the other two sitting on the table. Somehow they'd managed to open the bathroom door and then my bedroom door.

Yesterday, I woke up with a splitting headache and spent most of the day curled up in bed, sleeping. There was some more crap, but honestly, at this point, I don't even remember because it was three solid days of ugly. Ugly people...I kept thinking of Caliban and how he used to talk about how people would throw shit at you. Today, I still slept quite a bit but I'm happy to say that the headache is gone. I did have a run in with stupid though. Nick Gibson unblocked me so that he could refund me the $15 that I spent on his Kickstarter (see previous post about trouble in the industry). When I told him that I didn't accept money through Facebook, he told me too bad and that now me and my cronies could stop harassing him. The word cronies was quite the hit when I posted the screenshot. People wanted to know how they could become a crony. So much so that it's spawned a Facebook group for fans of me. I couldn't help but laugh at that one. While there are some serious assholes in the industry, there are just as many amazing people.

Now, I'm days behind because of all of this..and I probably still need a good and proper cry. I forgot to mention that DHS determined that I make too much money to get less than $200/mo in food stamps. I made $7600 in 9 months. It's insane and one more level of stress to deal with, but since they only work 9am-3pm, it'll have to be dealt with another day.

Right now, I need a good cuddle in the man's arms and a chance to unwind...since the first won't be coming for god knows how long, I'll just have to put in another movie and try to relax...

Weekly Update: Depression

It's been a rough week and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. That would be lying to all of you and lying to myself and that's just not healthy.

Let's see...where to start...I guess with the car. I think I mentioned that I was having car trouble and about $600 short on getting it repaired. Well, I managed to come up with $250 and someone loaned me the other $350 so I went and got the brakes/rotors/calipers all taken care of. Unfortunately, the mechanic came out with more bad news in that the other wheel bearing is now making noise. That's another $450. I don't have it. Not a single penny of it. My editing sale brought in nothing, nor did my stick figure art sale. I did sell about $20 worth of books but that went towards the last repair. I'm trying to remain calm but it's hard.

Speaking of money, it turns out that my oldest makes too much money for us to really remain on food assistance. Due to his income (none of which is really a part of this household), they've cut me back to $16/mo. I have no idea what to do about that. Since he's splitting time between here and his father's, perhaps it'd be better to drop him as part of the household. I really don't know. I just know that nobody can live off of $16/mo in food and my income doesn't allow for me to cover groceries quite yet. That's a dream of mine...a goal...

So, as you can probably tell, money has me beyond stressed out. I don't know what I'm going to do. There's also a lot of little financial things that are trying to be the straws that break the camels back. On top of the financial stuff, I had to miss two major events that I had planned on attending due to the car and other finances. It was incredibly hard on me to see my friends and other people I know having a jolly grand time at them, knowing that I should have been there too. It's so hard being poor.

I'd like to say that I have some brilliant plan as to how I'm going to fix all of this, but all I can do is try to keep moving forward the best that I can. I'm waiting now for a client to pay me in hopes that he does so before my insurance company tries to pull funds. It should be okay, but it's a scary waiting game.

I keep thinking that the book sale was supposed to help pay to get my dryer repaired and a new stove/oven (I've been without one since March) and here I am trying to figure out car repairs. It doesn't take much to start a stress spiral it seems. I honestly have considered a GoFundMe, but I don't know if anyone would pitch in. I keep hearing that everyone is in the same boat. God, I sure hope not. It's a rather terrible leaky little thing and my bucket has holes. I'd not wish this on anyone else.

Like I said, all I can do is keep trying to move forward the best that I can. I know that not many people read this blog, but I'm going to post the links to my sale and to my book sale here, just in case someone may be interested...

Editing Sale
Book Sale

Have a great week, everyone and take care of yourselves and each other.

Pause the Music

Credit to Nick Gibson for today's title inspiration.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head and would you believe that they're all good and I'm smiling? Weird, huh? I'm not complaining though.

I saw my doctor on Friday and I'm happy to report that we're both doing well. She had a workout accident a while back but is healing nicely. Me? My blood pressure tracking pleased her and seeing me happy and thriving put a huge smile on her face.

I don't think I realized that I'd stopped thriving, but was merely surviving. Heck, just surviving was a nice feeling. Actually thriving (thank you god for those who created this medication that I'm on now) has me over the moon and insanely productive. My sleep schedule has shifted to more match that of those around me. I'm asleep by 11 and up by 6:30-7:30 am. I'm getting up, getting dressed, eating, and knocking out project after project. It's spectacular.

I don't know if I wrote last week about being back in my bedroom, but that's been a wonderful change too. After a week or so of that, I'm finally adjusting to sleeping in there. The cats have laid claim to their sleeping spots and none of us are crunched up, unless they choose to be (Mac likes to sleep up against my legs). My room isn't completely dehoarded, but I would say that it's at least halfway there and I'm thinking that maybe within a week, it will be totally done. Then, I need to convince the youngest to come home from college for a few hours to help me get the dresser inside and upstairs to my room. I can't move it by myself and my doctor told me to not even try.

Normally, all of these changes would freak me out, but instead, I'm celebrating them and I'm celebrating me for getting them done. Thanks to my editing work, I've been able to make some payments on outstanding bills and I'm hoping that by the end of the year, those will be taken care of which will put me in a better financial place for the upcoming year.

I've found myself stopping more...Pausing the music in my head...to enjoy other things. I'm slowly reading more. I'm playing games. I'm taking pictures of raindrops on spider webs. I'm doing more of the things that I love that slipped by the wayside. Mostly? I'm enjoying being me. It's pretty awesome.

That's it for this week. I'm off to Life With Katie to write my weekly writing prompt post. If you like recipes, reviews, writing, please pop over and check it out. I have a giveaway starting there tomorrow.

Until next week....take care of yourselves, my little chickadees!

Balance

Two weeks in a row, who would have thought? This is going to be a short post because it's been a very busy day and tomorrow...no, this entire week is going to be crazy. My oldest is visiting until Wednesday night and we have plans to attempt some serious deep cleaning around here. Of course, my plan to have no editing work for this week completely bombed. I have 4 more files for a friend of mine and each file takes me at least a couple of hours. I just seem incredibly slow at it. I'm hoping that he'll be patient and give me a few more days to get them done. I'll message him first thing in the morning and see what kind of timeline he can work with.

Other than that, things are going fairly well. I still don't have a blood pressure monitor, but someone from my past popped up and said he'd like to give me the money to buy one. Since we haven't spoken in about 25 years or more, I have my hesitations but if he comes through, that would be amazing.

I'm still really tired which concerns me. I don't know what's causing it. I did okay today though, but it's the first day that I have. I'm hoping though that it means I've turned a corner with that. It's so hard to balance life when you're spending half of it asleep or feeling out of it with exhaustion.

Balance is obviously a concern. My little editing business seems to be taking off which is incredibly exciting, but I need to figure out how to balance client work with house work and writing. I don't want to stop writing and right now the only writing that I'm doing is a weekly prompt over on Life With Katie that I've managed to do two weeks in a row. Hopefully I can start to find that balance so that I can do all of the things that I need to. Yep, I need to write. It's part of who I am...

For now though, it's nearing midnight and I need to take my medicine and see about getting ready for bed. Tomorrow is talking with my client, working on one of his files, and then Ben and I are going to try to get the kitchen cleaned up. A tidy space helps me keep a tidy mind. Thank goodness for awesome kids who are willing to help out.

What? A Weekly Update?!?

It's only been a week and I'm back! Can you believe it? I almost can't except that I've been working on setting up a new Monday schedule which includes writing a post here and writing one over on Life With Katie.

So, how are things? Let me tell you. I'm still struggling with being really tired during the day. I wake up around 7:30 and stay awake until maybe 9 am and then I fall back to sleep until 10:30 or later. It's far from ideal. I'm hoping that it's still the medication and not a blood pressure issue.

Speaking of blood pressure issues, I still don't have a cuff for me to monitor things at home. Why, you ask? Because insurance sucks. The first place I went doesn't take my insurance. The second place does, but the insurance requires submission of my appointment notes showing medical necessity. Then, once the place submits those, it can take 2-3 weeks for them to approve (or not) it so I can get one. It's really frustrating and a little bit scary. I've looked on Amazon and for $50, I could have a really high rated one and not have to go through this, but every penny that comes in, goes right back out to one bill or another. You would think that they'd find preventative care worthy of investing in. I don't think I'm at serious risk for a heart attack or anything, but if I were to have one, the medical expenses would be a lot higher than the cost of an at home blood pressure cuff.

Let's see, other than that, it's really all about adjusting to not having the kids here. Roger and Dylan seem to be settling in well at college. I saw them on Friday and Dylan was chatting quite a bit about a girl that he's met. Maybe he'll have a girlfriend soon. Roger is busy with classes and rehearsing. It makes me smile to see him taking things so seriously. His roommate is talking about starting a D&D group for Friday nights and he's interested. I may need to dig out my dice for him soon.

My editing business is trickling along with makes me smile. I made enough in August to keep DHS off my back for another month. Right now, September is looking promising, thank god. Even with the new medication, I panic at the thought of having to work outside of the house. So, I keep pushing with my little business. It's something that I truly love doing and it's flexible so if I need to go do something else, I can go do it. I think I need that flexibility.

I guess that's it for now! Life is all about adjustments right now. Tonight I start in with making sure I'm in bed by midnight. I've also slept with the tv on and the light on for years now so I'm going to start working on turning down the tv a little bit each night. Baby steps, right? Now...I'm going to baby step over to the other site and work on a Wordsmith Wednesday post!

What Tristan Means To Me

Tristan

Every week I tell myself that I need to come and write and every week, it gets pushed to the side. Not today though. Today, I need to write. I need to tell you things, even if nobody is listening. I just need to.

Most of you will have no idea who the character to the left is. His name is Tristan and he's the lead character in a series of comic books that I've been blessed enough to work on over the past few years. His main job is to protect his boy from the monsters under the bed. Nobody really knows just how much being able to work on his books means to me, not even his creator, Nick Davis.

Today, while his current project is stuck in Kickstarter limbo, I need to tell that story...not because I'm hoping it will push people to go and fund it, though if it does, I will be grateful for each and every penny, but because it's time. I need to share this piece of my life with you.

You see, most would see my childhood as typical. Sure, I was raised by my grandparents, but that's not terribly unusual. It happens. From the outside, everything looked great and it was, as long as you never looked at the time that I spent with my mother.

Times at my mother's were like that book that opens, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.". You never quite knew which one it was going to be. It could be a grand time of playing games and hanging out or it could be one of the nights when her and her friends would smoke pot and wake you up to come out and entertain them. It could be gardening in the backyard or being screamed at, cursed at, and told that she wishes you had never been born. You just never knew. The only thing I did know was that my teddy bear was always there for me. He'd soak up my tears and he never complained about how tightly I held him. Not even once. He was my stability in a very rocky world.

Fast forward a lot of years, a lot of traumas, a lot of changes, and the one thing that never changed was that some sort of teddy bear has always been there for me. It's still a constant in my life. The collection has expanded and sometimes who has caught those tears has changed, but when I'm alone, on the worst of days, there's one by my side to remind me that I'm not alone and that I'm not fighting alone.

Somehow, I found Nick in the chaos that is the internet and we became friends. I reviewed his early books for Life With Katie and then, I think, for Geek-o-Rama. Then, a few years ago, he started letting me edit/proofread on his books and it was a bit like finding home. I felt as if I fit. Nick not only let me play in his universe, but he gave me a chance when there weren't a lot of chances coming my way. I will be forever grateful for that. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

He let me work on a series of books that were all about protecting children, about giving them a safe space, and about watching over them. This touched a part of me that I thought I'd buried. Now, that same series is at risk of not being funded and that's breaking my heart a bit. I've realized that I need to see this project funded not just because it's an amazing book with amazing talent, but because I need for other children to see that they aren't alone in whatever it may be that they're battling. This project is personal to me and I don't think that people realize just how much.

For two weeks, I've been on social media asking for pledges and asking for people to share it and I don't feel as if I've been all that successful. People don't see my name as the project runner and don't bother to read the page to see that I'm editing this book if it gets funded. If it doesn't, I don't get this job. I don't get to hang out with Tristan and Wilma as they fight off the no-names and children, perhaps children who really need to see this story, won't have it available to them.

This project means so much to me that I've pledged to it myself. I've pledged more than I will ever be paid for it, but that doesn't matter to me. It matters far more to me that this project get made and that this book be made. If I could, I'd back the entire thing myself and then donate the rewards to the local children's hospital that my oldest has spent time at. Heck, if people wanted to back, but didn't want the rewards, I'd have them tell Nick to have them sent to me and I would still do that. For now though, all I can do is continue sharing this project on social media and to try to keep hope alive as each day ticks by.

For those of you who have taken the time to read this, thank you for letting me share my story with you. I've found that sharing can lead to healing and each post here is a tiny step towards that.

Still Plugging Along

It's been about a month since I last checked in and quite a bit has happened. My youngest auditioned for and was accepted into the Kalamazoo Youth Jazz Orchestra. He's also been filling out college applications and all of the work that comes along with that. I think he still has two left although one should just be a matter of filling out an extra form and getting that submitted. As a mom, I'm proud of him for being on top of things and for being so responsible with it. As a mom, I'm also a bit sad that my baby is pretty much all grown up. So grown up that I haven't had him at my house in about three months because he no longer has a car (due to an accident) so he stays at his dad's so that he can easily get to work and school. 

The oldest has been coming out when he has a few days off in a row and I've loved having that time with him. It does my heart and soul good to spend time with him. I look at him and his brother and I often think that no matter what else I've messed up, I've done okay with helping them become good men.

As for me? I've had my ups and downs. The hardest thing has been the loss of my cat. The boys and I got Byron from a no kill shelter in New York just over 10 years ago and losing him was like losing my best friend. He let me cry all over him, hug him, pet him, cuddle him, and he loved me as much as  loved him. In his last minutes on Earth, he kept pressing his paw into the palm of my hand and looking to me for reassurance. Missing him doesn't begin to describe me this past week.

Still, life must go on and I'm up to my eyeballs in far too much. I'm trying to mentally begin to prepare for the holidays. They're going to be tough because the boys spend Thanksgiving at their dad's and both will probably be working. My oldest will have Christmas Day off because Walmart is closed but I don't know if his brother will work. It's tough when they get older and get lives of their own.  On top of that, November means KYJO rehearsals and NaNoWriMo. I'm determined to finish book 3 of The Tether Saga so that it can be published. Of course, day 4 of NaNo and I'm 3 days behind on writing! Life keeps happening!

So...there is far too much happening and I'm doing a fairly good job at keeping afloat. I guess that the most important thing is that I haven't given up. I'd love to say that things will get smoother, but for this month, at least, they won't. It's going to be a rocky road but I know that going in and I've tried to schedule out what I can and I'll try to breathe through what I can't.

Until next time...keep on plugging along! I'm right there with you.

Depression is...

Quote Courtesty of Brainy Quote

Sometimes I like to just sit and look at random quotes and images on Google. Some little thing will blip into my brain and I'll spend a while just looking at things related. Today's thing was, "I thought I was okay..." and somehow in my flipping through, I came across the image above. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I stopped everything else that I was doing to just stare at this image.

You see, earlier today, I took a good, hard look around my house. It's a disaster. Actually, disaster might be an understatement. It looks like a good foundation for an episode of Hoarders. I wish I were joking. Part of me was shocked. I thought I had been doing okay on a brain level kind of way. Sure, emotionally, I've been off due to some life changes, but even though I knew there was a small struggle there, I thought overall I was doing okay. I mean, my bullet journal is almost current, I'm only weeks behind in reading/studying, and there's peanut butter, raspberry preserves, and bread in my kitchen. I've been eating. Oh sure, I haven't been eating well, but I've been eating. I've even drank some water!

Yeah...I thought I was okay, but I'm not. Every day that passes is a day closer to a future that I seem completely incapable of figuring out. Whenever I try, my anxiety skyrockets and I just want to sleep. Nothing is getting done because to get something done would mean that I'm actually taking steps towards that same future.

Every time I look around, I see the trash and the stuff and I know I should deal with it, but at the same time, my brain reminds me that all of those things need to be dealt with so that I can possibly move in a year's time and so it sits because I can't imagine a year from now without completely shutting down.

I tell myself that I don't advertise myself as a proofreader because of how other's have treated me. Recently, an author who I thought had hired me for a regular job told me he didn't know when I'd get the next batch of books. He had very valid reasons so I'm not upset with him, but it took the tiny future plans that I had managed to make and squashed them. Without that needed income, I'm stuck. Yet, I don't have it anywhere on my author site that I offer proofreading as a service. I don't mention it on any of my social media descriptions. Why? If I had the money, I would have to start making decisions which is something I seem incapable of.

Depression is the inability to construct a future...and that's right where I am. I'm incapable of constructing any kind of future beyond the day that I'm currently in and because I can't see a future, I've become numb to my surroundings, no matter how unhealthy they've become. I have moments of "omg, I need to do something about this" but it seems that I can only manage to survive in the hopes that someday soon, the fog will lift and maybe this time I can make things right again.

Self-Care Is Not Selfish Care

Wow...the best laid plans of mice and men... Just as I got on a little roll writing posts that meant a lot to me, I got sick. For those who have followed along here or know me, you know that I have mediocre health it seems. My youngest child has informed me that I have the worst immune system of anyone he knows. I thought he was being silly until I started noticing on my "On This Day" Facebook thing how often I mentioned being sick. Geez, my body needs to get its act together!

So, anyway, I got sick and not just a little sick. I caught this year's influenza bug and it laid me out for two solid weeks. The coughing got so bad that I was having to use a rescue inhaler and couldn't talk without ending up gasping for air. Thank goodness, I'm better now. I still have zero stamina but I'm not coughing myself straight through the couch anymore!

Oddly enough, that's almost the perfect introduction to this post. Being sick is hard. Being sick when you're the person that takes care of others and who is constantly busy. Just because I'm sick doesn't meant that my boys no longer need/want their mom around. That's what my mom brain tells me. "They have a game tonight. I have to be there. That's my job as mom." Well, it turns out that they a) think I'm more important than a basketball game and b) don't want to catch my disease. (Those are both courtesy of my oldest.)

I felt really bad about missing things until he reminded me that it's important for me to get healthy. All of my time on the couch got me thinking about how important self-care really is. If I don't take care of myself, I get rundown and then I get sick (again) and I can't take care of the boys or do any of the things that I enjoy doing. If I don't have downtime now and again, I get wound so tight that I become unfocused and useless.

The problem, or one of them, is that I'm not really good at self-care. I get so busy with the boys' schedules and with all of the things I'm sure I *have* to do that I just let taking care of me slide. Heck, "the man" used to tell me all the time that I suck at taking care of myself. Luckily, he agrees that I've gotten better. I had to get more "me-centric". I had to stop worrying so much about the rest of the world and say, "Hey, what do I need today?" It's not easy. It's been a challenge and sometimes I still really suck at it.

The other challenge? What is self-care? Is it taking a shower? Putting clean sheets on the bed? Doing my nails? Reading a book? Coloring? Brushing out and braiding my hair so it isn't a tangled mess? It turns out that it's all of the above. While searching the internet, I came across these graphics which I found incredibly helpful and want to share with you guys!

https://www.chawisconsin.org/selfcare/

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/self-care-master-post-ideas-inspiration-more

Aren't those great? I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be referencing them on the days where I just feel stuck. I hope that they help some of you, as well! I'm also considering bringing back a segment that I used to do over on Life With Katie called Time For Me Thursday. It was a weekly post (duh, right?) where I talked about different things that you could do or that I was doing to take care of yourself/myself. It certainly can't hurt to nudge me to take care of me or to remind you that you too are important.

For now, I'm off for a late lunch and then to go see my youngest perform in his first jazz concert of the season! Take care, everyone!

Being Brave is Hard

Last week, I wrote a post about where I am right now. In it, I mentioned that it was almost a summary of a few posts that would be coming. This is the first of those posts.

Most of you probably didn't see my 2018 goals post over on Life With Katie. In it, I put Be Brave as one of my goals. That may seem silly. Brave is something you are, not something you do, right? Wrong. This isn't the soldier on the battlefield kind of brave..no wait, it kind of is. Every day is a battle for some people. So, let me try that again. This isn't "accidental" or subconscious bravery. This isn't the kind where you just do it. I'm talking about the kind of brave that is a conscious decision...and that, my friends, is the kind of brave that is hard and exhausting.

Let me give you an example:
Things between me and the man are a bit odd right now. I have my suspicions as to why and I'm not going to share them here. The problem is that when things go a bit wonky in this relationship, it's insanely hard for me. My PTSD kicks in and it's incredibly easy for me to start to spiral to a very bad

place. I spent a day in a very bad place. Then, I decided that I had to get brave. I had chosen it for a goal and now was the perfect time to practice that. After all, if you practice something enough, it becomes habit and wouldn't life be easier if decisions became second nature and not always such a conscious thing?

So, the next morning, I took a lot of deep breathes, cried some more tears, and then I made a list of what I wanted to get done by the end of the month. Then, I started with the little things...I ordered my son's birthday gift, I sent out things that needed to be sent... at the end of the day, I had a decent sized list of things that I had gotten myself to do.

And then I slept for two days...

Yep. For the following two days, all I did was sleep. Forcing myself to be productive instead of curling up in a ball took every bit of energy that I had. Then, I had to convince myself that it was okay and that I didn't need to beat myself up that the list wasn't progressing and that instead, I was thinking of more things to add to it. I had to remind myself that if I pushed too hard, too fast, I'd be useless and useless isn't something you can be when you have children who need you. So, I slept when my body said sleep and I did when I had to do. Now, it's a new week and I'm making that same decision...to be brave, even though I know what it might lead to.

If I'm not brave, if I just give into the anxiety and the fears, I won't be who I want to be. I have to fight, even if it's through choosing my battles and even if things take longer than a month. I didn't get to where I'm at overnight and I won't get away from it overnight either.

So, to all of you who are struggling right now...it's okay. You're not alone. Try to find a way to be a little bit brave each day. Maybe that's just putting on pants, or eating breakfast, or sending out that email that you know that you should. It doesn't have to be huge, it just has to be something. I know what it will tire you out. That's okay too. Take the time that you need to recover. Be kind to yourself. I know just how easy it is to beat yourself up until you're curled up in a ball. Life is hard, but somewhere, deep down inside all of us is a little bit of brave.

Where I Am

Over the next week or so, there may be more posts here than y'all are used to. I've had a lot in my head and here seems like the right place to let it all out. In some ways, I think that this post is almost going to act as a summary even before I write the other posts.

You see, I have a lot going on in my head and outside of it as well. If you know me, you know that I don't handle change well and to be honest, I'm starting to freak out a little bit. For my sake, and perhaps so you won't be confused, let me break it all down...

Issue #1: My baby..well, my oldest but he was once a baby..turns 18 on Friday. Yep, 18. The age where his stepmother can tell him that he no longer has to listen to me or come see me or any number of things. Technically, none of that is true but things get said that aren't true all the time. On top of that...well..he'll be 18. The tiny 5 lb 6 oz little one that I held in my arms is legally going to be an adult. I know this seems silly because living to adulthood is one of the things we want for our children, but for me, this is one of the first major steps in letting go and I'm struggling a bit with it.

Issue #2: The move. (insert cheesy dramatic music here) Everyone kept telling me that it was so far away, don't worry about it yet.  Except, I realized that it's going to be here before I know it. If all goes as I'd like, I have 3 more visits with the "man" before I won't see him again until after the move. Three is a pretty small number. More than that, by this time next year, I'll have to know 100% sure where I'm moving to so that I can start trying to find a place. I'll be packing up my barn this summer to prepare. By this time next year, I'll start breaking down the office/studio so that I can use it as a moving staging area.

Issue #3: To get ready for issue #2, I have to do some serious cleaning, purging, downsizing (yes, I know that means purging but ...umm...), and organizing. Like serious. Part of my ocd/bipolar/ptsd issues include having hoarding issues as well. That means that there is a lot of stuff that I have to go through. On top of that, I "inherited" (aka it was dumped on me) a lot of my grandmother's things and all of that has to be sorted through which is a whole minefield of emotional triggers. On top of this, I'm doing this primarily on my own which is tough when it comes time to move donated goods to the car (stairs + really bad knee = ugh) or just moving heavy things like the box for the new bookshelf we need. It's incredibly easy to get overwhelmed.

Issue #4: Mom stuff. I know I already wrote about my oldest turning 18, but I didn't mention that his brother turns 17 at the end of the month and is talking about where he's going to apply to college, who has the best programs and all of that. He's smart and a planner and I love that about him. I also love that he has the confidence to say hey, this school in Boston or in Texas has an amazing program and I might want to go there. My mom heart through is seriously struggling with him being so grown up (while at the same time being incredibly proud of him). The reality is that once he graduates, I feel as if my family is going to away. That's not quite right but I don't know the right word. He's going to follow his dreams, his brother will be staying here and going to college, and if everything goes as planned, I'm moving away. Ben jokes things like, "Yeah, you're going to move and just leave me behind." and my mom heart breaks because I love those two more than anything on this planet. Roger teases his brother, "How are you going to feel when I go away to college and you never see me again?" and while I know he's teasing, I can't help but cringe a little inside. Mom guilt is a very real thing, folks and these two have been my everything for so long that I'm more than a little scared of losing that identity.

Those are the big ones. There are other things ...smaller things like not allowing someone else's "issues" affect me to the point where I'm curled up unable to function, or the fact that all of my email accounts have thousands of emails in them and I can't seem to find the time to deal with that. Let's just say that the little things add up and feel like big things really fast. Yesterday, I was a disaster. I would go from 'there's no point' to 'I have to do this for me' to somewhere in the middle and I ricocheted back and forth all day long. It got so bad that it made me physically sick.

I'm better today and that's why I'm writing this. I said in my last post that I would continue to post here and since yesterday's roller coaster, I've spent some time thinking. Someone I love is obviously going through something but since he's not sharing with me and is, in some ways, treating me very differently, I don't have a choice but to continue moving forward the best I can. It's hard not to spiral because of the changes, but it is what it is. I can't live on his roller coaster and keep mine under control.

I've made some tough decisions. I'm taking a month away from Geek-o-Rama. Since I essentially run everything, that means that the site is at a total standstill. The reality is that I'm considering shutting it down entirely. It's been my baby for over 5 years but I may need to just let it go since I can't find people who want to run it with me. I'm also taking a "mostly social media break". What does that mean? It means that I'm leaving my laptop off unless I'm writing. I won't be on Facebook all the time. I need me time, time to sort things out, time to get things done, and being around that many people with so many of them posting about their problems just isn't healthy for me. I'm also going to continue the culling of my friend's list there and what groups I'm a part of. If people want to know what I'm up to, I have fan pages for here, for my writing and for my site where I post book info, reviews, and recipes. People can follow me on any of those and keep up with what I'm doing.
I'm not making myself inaccessible, just taking some time for me.

This post got really long so if you read all of this, know that I appreciate you and I'm cheering for you in your life too.

The End is Near

I've been gone for a while again. The truth is that Keith's death knocked me for a loop and then some. I started to close in on myself. Then, one day, I woke up and suddenly things seemed better. I could almost hear Keith telling me that it was time for me to get back to writing and to living.  So, write I did. I spent a lot of my spare time working on my second book with Nick. I went out to the local NaNoWriMo write ins and focused on that and on my boys.

Time passed and mentally and emotionally, things have gotten better. For the most part they've been okay physically as well. That's if you ignore the past two weeks when I've been down and out with bronchitis. If you'd asked me just a few days ago, I probably would have told you that I was pretty sure I was dying. Losing the ability to breathe properly is such a terrible feeling! Thank goodness for antibiotics. I only wish that they would have prescribed me some cough medicine so that I could sleep at night. Today was the first day in a week that I got dressed properly. Then, like a crazy person, I went out into the cold and did some grocery shopping. It took its toll on me but I got through it and I'm determined to continue to be on the mend. I don't pick up the boys until Monday (Christmas) night so I can take the next couple of days to recover.

I mentioned above that things have gotten better emotionally and mentally. That's been something that's very much been on my mind these past few days. It's been a big change for me over the past year or so. Last year (and a lot of years before that), when December 1st rolled around, I'd start looking for Christmas cards in the mail. A couple of weeks before Christmas, I'd look for packages to be delivered. As the days would go by and they didn't appear, I'd get sadder and more upset. I would curl up and think about how alone I was going to be when the boys were at their dad's on Christmas Day and how I'd have nothing of my own to open. In my head, I would convince myself that nothing coming meant that no one loved me.

Writing that seems so silly but it's the truth. At some point in my life, I started equating getting things from people as meaning they cared about me. After all, you do get things for people you care about. The problem came that I also believed the opposite to be true when it came to me. Somewhere over the past year though, that changed. I don't entirely know when or why but it did. Oh, I have my suspicions but nothing that I can say, "Yep, that was it."

As the clock has ticked down towards Christmas, not a gift has arrived and only one card. I have a stack of about fifty that I'll be mailing out once I have the funds for postage. Granted, a lot of them are for supporters of my son's trip, but quite a lot are personal choice as well. In the past, this would have had me in tears by now. This year, I look at it and know that I am loved by those that matter to me and that no gift in the world is more important to me than their love and support. Those closest to me are a small group but they're the most important group in the world to me and there's no greater gift than their love and the time shared together.

As we get closer to 2018, I know that 2017 has been incredibly hard for some of them and for me as well. We're all ready to begin again and while I firmly believe that you can begin again at any time, there symbolic changing of the year is a good time to reflect and to plan. I'm so happy to be able to say that I'm going into it stronger, calmer, and surrounded by love.

So here's to sharing the holidays with each other, near and far, to loving ourselves and each other and to going into 2018 ready to be the change that we need within ourselves and to make this world a brighter, better place. I know that things will come that we may not be ready for, that life will throw us challenges and torments, but I also know that there will be good moments. The bad may out count the good but the good will still be there and it's our job to not only remember the good but to increase the good around us.

Happy holidays, my friends!

PS To see my year end wrap up of good and my 2018 goals, check out Life With Katie. As I'm able, I'll be writing those up.

Soooooo Tired...

I'm pretty sure that this could have been a picture of me earlier today if:
1. I were blonde.
2. I were that cute and tiny.
3. Someone was here to actually take a picture of me.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've taken 6 doses of the anti-depressant now and 5 of my allergy med and I am completely wiped out. All I want to do is nap, which, as you can imagine, is not exactly conducive to getting any amount of work done. Since I started taking it, I haven't been able to work on the book or get anything more done in my office. I've managed to do the "necessities" and be mom and that's about it.

It's incredibly frustrating and every day I hope that it will be the day when I have some amount of energy back. I cringe whenever Nick mentions working on the book because I feel guilty that I haven't this week. It's not due to a lack of desire, I assure you. It's simply because whenever I sit down, I want to sleep. I fell asleep earlier today, sitting at my desk, waiting for a file to download. I had to go sleep for 2 hours so that I could go into town, pick up Roger, do a bit of grocery shopping, drop him off, and come home. I only unloaded the perishable groceries so that I could get to my desk faster and finish off the site work for Geek-o-Rama. It's 6:40pm and I just want to go to bed. Blah!

Other than that, I think it's helping. The first day was really hard because my head was silent and it freaked me out. It's been a long time since I haven't had a dozen things going on in it at the same time. I also had a migraine for two days which wasn't much fun but that seems to have passed, thank goodness!

Really, other than the exhaustion, I seem to be doing okay. I'm trying to decide the best way to handle the tired. I can't keep taking naps every day and logic says that if I push through it, my body will be "forced" to adjust faster. I guess I'm just going to do my best. Tomorrow I'm home all day and set to work on the book until I have to head to the marching band competition. I think being at the desk all day and having to really focus on something will be the ultimate test in how things are.

Until then, I'm leaning towards working a bit on the book tonight. After that, dinner and curling up on the couch to watch some tv and maybe even a bit of reading before bed. My to do list, including my reading list, seems to have no end so there's always something I can be doing.

I hope all of you are doing well...

Random Thoughts

Well, it's been about a month since I last posted and I've spent quite a bit of that month scrambling from one thing to the next. The youngest and I spent almost a week down in Indianapolis trying to take in the craziness that is Gen Con. Holy crow that's a lot of walking and it reminded me that I need to get some good nursing shoes or something that is made for folks who are on their feet all day long. It was a great bonding time with him and we brought back quite a bit for the high school gaming group to try out.

Then, as soon as we got back, it was the mad dash to get both boys ready to go back to their dad's as well as back to school. Did I mention that there was a football game plus practices that week as well? Utter insanity.

Now, the boys are back at their dad's and we're all working on adjusting to the new schedules that each school year brings. It's been tough because they've had two four day weeks so far which makes everything off by at least a day. I'm looking forward to next week when we have a full week of school and I can really focus on building a new day to day schedule for myself.

Monday will always be site work day for me. It's the day that I work on Geek-o-Rama. Speaking of which, if you're interested in reviewing comics, get in touch with me. We need one or two new folks into the mix.

Tuesdays - I'd like to make this book day. I'm so far behind on book 2 of The Tether Saga and I really need to get back to it.

Wednesday - Free day. A day where I can have a bit of downtime, tackle any projects that I want to. Not necessarily lazy day but a day where I'm not tied down to one thing.

Thursday - Education day. Nick is an absolutely marvelous partner in the books but I want to do more to help ensure their success. I have books I want to read, podcasts to listen to, and things I want/need to learn to turn this into more than just a dream.

Friday - Finish it Friday - The day I take all of the things that got started that week and wrap them up.

This is my basic outline that I have so far. There are a lot of details to fill in...like sporting events, band rehearsals, concerts..Oh, and my youngest is auditioning next month for a jazz orchestra and wants to add private lessons back in. After almost two years at the place he was going, he decided that he wasn't really learning anything there that he wasn't teaching himself so he quit. The new place is a 45 minute drive away but is with someone who charges less and is actively playing. There are a lot of details to figure out. He may get his driver's license soon...though that depends upon him finding a job and while lots of places are saying they're hiring, nobody is getting callbacks. If that happens, it will help because he'll be able to get himself places.

I also need to build in time for some sort of exercise, even if it's just walking, and proper meal planning. My physical health needs to be a part of my healthier me plan for sure.

So, there we have it. A rough outline of what I'd like to turn my daytime into. I essentially have from when I get up until 2pm every day to make this happen. Fingers crossed that I slide into it relatively easily and things start getting done around here.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Things Are Happening!

I love this graphic. It's so peaceful and calming and nothing like my bladder today. You see, I have horrible allergy issues and one of the few things that helps is to take a drink of water and hold it in my mouth on the side of my face that is giving me a hard time. Why does this work? I haven't the slightest idea. It might have something to do with equalizing pressure or some other scientific type thing. All I know is that it works and for the past 18 hours or so, I have ingested a lot of water because of this. In fact, last night it got so bad that I was having to take a drink every five minutes. This led to a few bonus bathroom trips and me being exceptionally tired today.

Still, I know that the water intake is good for me. It will help cleanse my body of junk and will help me have more energy. You know, when it isn't in direct competition with sinus pain keeping me awake. Plus, the more water in me, the less hungry I'll be which can be a very good thing. Though it didn't stop me from eating those reece's cups a bit ago...but let's move on, shall we?

I've been at the library all day trying to get around the desire to nap and instead get some things accomplished. On top of the site work that I did over on Life With Katie, I accomplished drinking 33.8+ ounces of water and going to the bathroom four times. While a bit obnoxious, there's a good side to the bathroom thing too! On Sunday morning I finally found my fitbit charging cable! Now that it's charged and back on my wrist, it's keeping track of all those steps to and from the bathroom.

So far today, I've walked 1,703 steps. It doesn't seem like much but every step counts and with my daily goal being low at 3,000 steps, I'm pretty happy with that number. I'm not a lazy person but I'm absolutely not a very active person either. By finding my FitBit, it's allowing me to visually see where I'm at and its little nudges help me get up and get a few more steps in. I'm sticking with my 3,000 steps a day goal for now but I'm hoping by the end of summer to have doubled that number and to be hitting it regularly.

The same thing goes with my water intake. Today I should hit 64 ounces if I stay on the pace I am now. I'd like to hit that daily. I know some day it will be a challenge, but I also know that if I don't try, I'll never get it.  If I hadn't started taking my medicine, I wouldn't be able to say that I've been nearly perfect at taking it for the past two months. For an entire year before that, I didn't take it. Now, I may miss a day here or there, but I'm taking it. That's awesome.

I have a long ways to go with things. I still need to work on my diet and figuring out some sort of schedule for this summer. Between Roger being gone for another two weeks and then coming back and Ben working five days a week, things have been dodgy. I'm going to keep working on it though and I really love the support y'all give me.

Holy Busy Batman

Holy cannoli, Batman..I am absolutely done in. This entire summer has been crazy busy and the last three weeks before school starts are always the craziest. On top of that, our little family (me and the boys) is trying to raise money to help send Roger on a science research trip (and his band trip) this coming year. It's insane and because time is running out before his first big payments are due, here's my tiny plug:

Please help send one awesome kid on two awesome trips that he's worked so hard for. To buy our awesome t-shirts designed by Nick of Alt-World head over to TeeSpring and to check out his GoFundMe which has a lot of freaking amazing reward tiers, go to his site!

There's also some personal stress going on so between the financial concerns, the insanely busy schedule, work pressures (that I'm totally putting on myself), and the personal stuff, I am plain done in. It's made really being good a little bit tougher,

Still, for the past seventeen days, I've been really honest with myself about my diet and started tracking it using MyFitnessPal. Yay for free apps! Other than one day when I just kinda said screw it and emotionally ate, I've done pretty well.

Workouts haven't gone as well. Ben had me up on the treadmill three times a week but then he hasn't worked for the past two weeks and I haven't been up at the community center. I have gotten in a bit of walking but not even my tiny daily goal. I have to figure out how/when to fit some sort of walking in. At this point it's the only type of exercise that I can handle. I'm hoping that once the stress of getting another $300 or so by my birthday to the trip folk ($150 by 9/23 and $185 by 9/1) is past and I can start knocking out more of the things that I feel have slipped over the summer then I'll start sleeping better and all of this will just fit together better.

I'm happy to say though that it hasn't all been for loss. No wait, it has been! It's been for a decent loss! By simply monitoring my calorie intake, I've gone from 330 pounds (when I was horribly sick back in June) to 309.8 today. If I use the scale weight taken about 2 weeks ago when I was at the community center and used their old school balance scale, that's still down 9 pounds since then. I'm happy with that and it gives me a nice nudge to keep going. My doctor told me that I couldn't do it, that my body would fight me every single step, but I am doing it. It might be slow but I'm doing it.

For now though, I'm going to smile at my little success and take myself off to bed. Hopefully I'll be back soon with another update as to how things are going. Until then, take care of yourselves!

Small Changes

Just a quick check in to let you all know that I'm still out here. I thought life would get quieter once the boys were out of school, but who was I kidding? I spent a week at my ex-husband's dog sitting, got home on Tuesday and then spent the past two days working (I work from home, thank goodness!) and running the boys to their things!

I've also been trying to focus on small changes. I've given up drinking almost everything outside of water. Since the allergies have cleared out, I'm finding it harder to keep my intake up, but I'm not giving up!

I've also made another change..one that for me wasn't so little. At Roger's insistence, I joined the city band. It's a volunteer band made up of high schoolers and community members that put on a one hour concert each week. I haven't played regularly in 20 years and social anxiety was strong. It wasn't until we pulled up to the school for this week's rehearsal and I saw how disappointed Roger was that I was going to chicken out that I made the decision to do it. If I made a fool of myself, so be it. Turns out that yes, I suck and can't even remember all the fingerings, but nobody made fun of me. They just told me to play what I could and fake the rest. Music used to be a major part of my life with playing flute and singing in multiple groups. It's something that my ex-husband didn't enjoy so I quit. Well, now, it's another thing I'm reclaiming. The group meets/performs for the next 4 weeks and I'm going to try to be at each one.

Other than that, not much is happening. I go to the weight loss management introduction meeting next Tuesday evening. The boys will be at their dad's this weekend, so I'm also considering doing a fridge purge/scrub down while they're gone. This will help prepare for the healthier groceries that I'm going to try to buy this coming week. It's not going to be perfect, but small steps are still steps and I'm still taking them.

Hopefully they'll start leading to small results! I'm off for now. I need to flip on over to Life With Katie and schedule more Crockpot Monday posts! I'll check back in after the meeting on Tuesday, if not sooner. Have a great week, everyone!

Something Has to Change

As some of you may know, I've been down and out with horrible, rotten allergies for the past two weeks. I could live with the congestion, but man, the pain is just too much. So what's a girl to do? She hauls herself off to urgent care in the hopes that they can give her something to make it feel at least a little bit better. That's what I did...and that's where this post begins.

Since I had to go grocery shopping anyway, I decided to go to the urgent care that's over near where I wanted to shop. I hadn't been there before and so I was a little bit surprised when they had me step on the scale in addition to all the usual tests. The number I saw there terrified me. I had suspected that I had been putting on weight again, but not nearly as much as that number showed. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been at. Then, when she took my blood pressure and that was also high, something just shifted inside of me. I have to do something. If I don't, I'm going to die. That may sound dramatic, but it really isn't. At the weight I'm at, my body has to work harder at every single thing it does. This puts wear and tear on everything...my heart, my lungs, my joints...and those things can wear out completely.

My doctor warned me back in August about my weight and my blood pressure. She wasn't particularly kind about it and it made me defensive.  This time, nobody said a word. They just showed me the numbers when they came up. Then, I spent a week thinking about those numbers and what they mean to me. Those numbers are the reason that I have trouble climbing up or down stairs. They're the reason I won't volunteer to chaperone trips with the boys. They're the reason that I have some of the health problems that I do.

The numbers scared me, but they got me thinking and for that, I'm thankful. For too long, I've let pride get in the way of me getting help in this area. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up, food was a sanctuary of sorts. My grandmother used food as a way to show us that she loved us. I never walked into that house without an immediate offer of being fed being made. As I grew older, food became either a way to fill the holes in my emotional world or a control object. Soon I hope to write an entire post regarding my relationship with food. This isn't that post.

This post is about the decision that I've made. Twice now, my doctor has given me a referral to the Sparrow Hospital Weight Management Clinic. Twice, I let get pride get in the way. I told myself that I've lost weight before and that it's not rocket science. I can do this alone. The truth is that I can't do this alone. When I'm doing it alongside someone, I do okay. When I have that accountability. The problem with that comes along when the other person meets their goal or they don't take the time/make the effort to be my cheerleader. When that happens, it's easy to make excuses and let things slide.

It's time to stop the cycle. It's time to get the help that I need to understand what it is that I need to do. If what that is equals therapy, so be it. If what that is means surgery to help my body start helping itself again, so be it. So, I made the courageous decision to attend a meeting next week at the weight management clinic. It's just an introduction to what they do there so I can see if it's the right fit. I suspect that so long as insurance covers it, I'll be going there on a far more regular basis and finding my way to healthy again. After all, I want to be able to ride roller coasters with my boys, to travel comfortably on trips, and most importantly to live a long, long life where I watch all my dreams and hard work turn into something amazing.

I've also made the decision to keep this off of social media for the time being. I'll be posting about it here and over on Life With Katie as things happen and I treasure any support that I get, but this is a private decision and that on some level, I need to do for me on my own.

Ripples Make Waves

I totally confess to stealing this title from Nick. He's been saying it to me all week and now it's just plain stuck in my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how accurate it is because I haven't had time to do the scientific research behind it, but no matter, it sounds good and motivational, right?

Still, while I don't know about how this actually works in water, I do know how this works in life. I've seen it in my own life. Clean a section of counter and the next thing you know, the entire counter is clean. Counter clean? Next thing you know, so is the stove... it starts with one small thing and you just keep going with it.

So, after talking with Nick about what he's doing (I'm so lucky he's one of my nearest and dearest people on this planet) and then reading his blog post about it, I decided this could be the thing that I need to help kick start me into gear. I suppose that it doesn't hurt that I have a competitive streak and every day when Nick posts his results, I have two reactions. The first? I'm thrilled for him and proud of him for the work that he's putting in. The second? I'm pretty sure I nearly growl to see him outdoing me. Seriously.

Here's the thing though. I know that Nick and I are in two different spots on this journey. Don't tell him this, but he's not even grossly overweight. Me? I'm beyond grossly overweight. I'm at the "at risk" and beyond section of the chart. He's also already getting in some movement at work and such. My movement is to the couch where I sit and work. There's no need for me to do more than that for me to get my work accomplished. So, honestly, there's no comparison. We're starting at different points...still, seeing his numbers pushes me to get my numbers done. I have no idea what his actual step count goal is for each day, but I know he said he's been making it. I do know what mine is and in the 4 days that I've been walking, I've made it once.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to celebrate every single day's number. Why? Because a week ago, I was getting maybe a few hundred steps in a day. This week, I've gotten outside at least once a day for a walk and my numbers have looked like this:

Monday: 1,645 steps
Tuesday: 4,426 steps
Wednesday: 2,525 steps
Thursday: 2,070 steps (so far)

That's huge. It really is. Even today when I woke up feeling blech due to sinus drainage, I got up, I got dressed and I went for my walk. It was good. I do think I'm going to have to find some podcasts or something to listen to though. This is a small village and seeing the same things every day isn't keeping my attention. I can do that though.  I can do this. I am doing this.

Next week when I go see Dr. Chermak, I hope I can see the results. I don't have a scale here at home anymore since my last one broke and I haven't had the money to replace it. So, for now, I'm reliant on the doctor's office scale. If nothing else, it will give me a starting point number. Still, I want to show her that she was wrong. I can do this without surgical intervention or putting myself on some sort of liquid diet. I can do this. I can get outside and walk and when the weather turns too icky for that, I can put in a dvd and do that. Right now, I'm making ripples...tiny changes...but those tiny changes can change my life if I let them.