Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Where I Am

Over the next week or so, there may be more posts here than y'all are used to. I've had a lot in my head and here seems like the right place to let it all out. In some ways, I think that this post is almost going to act as a summary even before I write the other posts.

You see, I have a lot going on in my head and outside of it as well. If you know me, you know that I don't handle change well and to be honest, I'm starting to freak out a little bit. For my sake, and perhaps so you won't be confused, let me break it all down...

Issue #1: My baby..well, my oldest but he was once a baby..turns 18 on Friday. Yep, 18. The age where his stepmother can tell him that he no longer has to listen to me or come see me or any number of things. Technically, none of that is true but things get said that aren't true all the time. On top of that...well..he'll be 18. The tiny 5 lb 6 oz little one that I held in my arms is legally going to be an adult. I know this seems silly because living to adulthood is one of the things we want for our children, but for me, this is one of the first major steps in letting go and I'm struggling a bit with it.

Issue #2: The move. (insert cheesy dramatic music here) Everyone kept telling me that it was so far away, don't worry about it yet.  Except, I realized that it's going to be here before I know it. If all goes as I'd like, I have 3 more visits with the "man" before I won't see him again until after the move. Three is a pretty small number. More than that, by this time next year, I'll have to know 100% sure where I'm moving to so that I can start trying to find a place. I'll be packing up my barn this summer to prepare. By this time next year, I'll start breaking down the office/studio so that I can use it as a moving staging area.

Issue #3: To get ready for issue #2, I have to do some serious cleaning, purging, downsizing (yes, I know that means purging but ...umm...), and organizing. Like serious. Part of my ocd/bipolar/ptsd issues include having hoarding issues as well. That means that there is a lot of stuff that I have to go through. On top of that, I "inherited" (aka it was dumped on me) a lot of my grandmother's things and all of that has to be sorted through which is a whole minefield of emotional triggers. On top of this, I'm doing this primarily on my own which is tough when it comes time to move donated goods to the car (stairs + really bad knee = ugh) or just moving heavy things like the box for the new bookshelf we need. It's incredibly easy to get overwhelmed.

Issue #4: Mom stuff. I know I already wrote about my oldest turning 18, but I didn't mention that his brother turns 17 at the end of the month and is talking about where he's going to apply to college, who has the best programs and all of that. He's smart and a planner and I love that about him. I also love that he has the confidence to say hey, this school in Boston or in Texas has an amazing program and I might want to go there. My mom heart through is seriously struggling with him being so grown up (while at the same time being incredibly proud of him). The reality is that once he graduates, I feel as if my family is going to away. That's not quite right but I don't know the right word. He's going to follow his dreams, his brother will be staying here and going to college, and if everything goes as planned, I'm moving away. Ben jokes things like, "Yeah, you're going to move and just leave me behind." and my mom heart breaks because I love those two more than anything on this planet. Roger teases his brother, "How are you going to feel when I go away to college and you never see me again?" and while I know he's teasing, I can't help but cringe a little inside. Mom guilt is a very real thing, folks and these two have been my everything for so long that I'm more than a little scared of losing that identity.

Those are the big ones. There are other things ...smaller things like not allowing someone else's "issues" affect me to the point where I'm curled up unable to function, or the fact that all of my email accounts have thousands of emails in them and I can't seem to find the time to deal with that. Let's just say that the little things add up and feel like big things really fast. Yesterday, I was a disaster. I would go from 'there's no point' to 'I have to do this for me' to somewhere in the middle and I ricocheted back and forth all day long. It got so bad that it made me physically sick.

I'm better today and that's why I'm writing this. I said in my last post that I would continue to post here and since yesterday's roller coaster, I've spent some time thinking. Someone I love is obviously going through something but since he's not sharing with me and is, in some ways, treating me very differently, I don't have a choice but to continue moving forward the best I can. It's hard not to spiral because of the changes, but it is what it is. I can't live on his roller coaster and keep mine under control.

I've made some tough decisions. I'm taking a month away from Geek-o-Rama. Since I essentially run everything, that means that the site is at a total standstill. The reality is that I'm considering shutting it down entirely. It's been my baby for over 5 years but I may need to just let it go since I can't find people who want to run it with me. I'm also taking a "mostly social media break". What does that mean? It means that I'm leaving my laptop off unless I'm writing. I won't be on Facebook all the time. I need me time, time to sort things out, time to get things done, and being around that many people with so many of them posting about their problems just isn't healthy for me. I'm also going to continue the culling of my friend's list there and what groups I'm a part of. If people want to know what I'm up to, I have fan pages for here, for my writing and for my site where I post book info, reviews, and recipes. People can follow me on any of those and keep up with what I'm doing.
I'm not making myself inaccessible, just taking some time for me.

This post got really long so if you read all of this, know that I appreciate you and I'm cheering for you in your life too.

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