Monday, February 17, 2014

Anxiety Won

This past week was not the best week in the world for me as far as focusing on weight loss. The truth is, I don't think I really tried at all. Okay, that's not true. I did try but I didn't try near as hard as I should have. I kind of let it ride and letting it ride took me right where it should have. I gained this week.

I let the monsters win. I let the ghosts of the past win. It's frustrating when I discover that things I didn't even know were an issue pop their heads up and stop me in my path. Then, I have to deal with them before I can move on down the road again.

Let's call this week's demon...Bob...Bob is a bully and a half. He took something that I enjoyed and was excited about and turned it into a nightmare for me. Let me give you a bit of a background..I've been fighting insomnia for nearly a week now. Between Friday night and Saturday morning, I figure I got about 4 hours of sleep. I had to be up early because Ben was starting his new bowling league and I had promised I would be there. So, over to Grand Rapids I went and one of the great things about this league is that we can all bowl. So, Peter (the ex-husband), Megan (his wife), Ben, Roger and I all bowled. I'm proud to say that I've somehow improved greatly in the past ten years. Maybe all the Wii bowling? Anyway, after three games, we wrapped up and headed for lunch. It was nice seeing us all doing something together without any drama. After lunch, I headed for the skating rink. Sure, I was tired, but I was determined to improve my skating from where it'd been two weeks ago.

I paid. I got my skates on. I stood up (with the help of the wall..I still haven't figured out how to just stand up). I moved to the other end of the wall because I had decided to actually skate on the wood floor this time. My theory was that falling on wood would hurt less than on concrete if I did happen to fall. I got right to the entrance to the skating floor and I froze. I was watching all these kids go round and round like it was easy and there were two adults (one of which I know is a former derby girl) standing there watching them and I couldn't move. Suddenly, there were all these thoughts in my head... "What if I look like an idiot in front of these people? What if I fall and I can't get back up? What if I never figure this out?"  They froze me in my tracks. I wish it had stopped there. Once my anxiety kicked in, it went even further. "What if I can't figure this out and I look like a fool in front of Rob? I wish Nicole were here, she'd make this fun and we'd have something fun to share together again. I wonder if she'll ever talk to me again. I miss her so much."

Before I knew it, I was standing there nearly in tears. Just writing those thoughts has tears running down my face. I ended up going and sitting down. Eventually, I managed to get out onto the floor and do one sad lap. I say sad because instead of even trying to skate, I held onto the wall and shuffled along. It was a step way back from where I'd been two weeks ago.

I chickened out from going yesterday. Instead, I curled up on the couch and did nothing more than watch tv, play games and feel depressed all day. I couldn't even begin to process the whole thing. This morning, I started to make some sense of it...Of course, after another bout of insomnia, I fell back to sleep but I'm going to try to sort it out again because I think having it in writing will help me and maybe it will help those who are closest to me but who don't understand some of my behaviors...

When I was growing up, I felt like I was the ignored child. My sister was the pretty one, my brother was the artistic one and they were also both favored children. I was the smart one or so they said. I guess everyone needed a title. As the "smart one", I worked hard at my grades and for me, there was no such thing as failure. Failure equaled disappointment which equaled no longer having anything that was my own. It meant that instead of any kind of attention, I would be ignored. I spent my entire childhood and a good part of my adulthood just trying to make people happy. Maybe if I never disappointed anyone, they wouldn't send me away. I developed a fear of being seen as foolish without ever realizing that I had.

It's the reason that I won't play new games with others. Instead, if I know in advance, I'll read all the rules and learn how to play. That way, there's less of a chance of me looking stupid in front of those I care about. It's why I'm really afraid to try most new things in front of people that I care about. What if I do something dumb and they don't want me around anymore? The most hurtful thing anyone can say or do is to tell me or allow me to feel that they're disappointed in me.

Is it logical? Nope, but anxieties and fears rarely are. I've spent the past year or so surrounding myself with the most supportive, loving and amazing people..people who would never consider me a fool for not knowing how to play a board game or for trying to learn a new skill. The loss of Nicole as a friend damaged me more than I wanted to let on. I love that woman and it hurts to think that she doesn't trust me or that she was so disappointed in me as a friend that she just didn't want to be my friend anymore. Every time I think about her, I cry. I know that nothing I could have done would have changed what happened. I know that, in reality, nothing I did do caused this, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

That hurt combined with fear combined with lack of sleep led to a lackluster week. It's up to me to decide which is stronger...fear or myself. I overate, I didn't get my water in, I skipped out on the one real form of exercise that I'm doing this week and that's all on me. I made a poor decision when I let fear run my life. Today is a new day though and I'm going to try to start putting myself back on the right little step at a time...

Starting Weight: -----------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: +.8
Total Weight Loss: -3.8
Daily Water Average: 24oz

Weekly Goals:

  • 48oz of water per day
  • Skating at least once this week
  • Food planning for surgery stay

Monday, February 10, 2014

Moving Slow

This week's post is brought to you by the letter S, the number 7 and this turtle. Why? Because this week was slow, there are 7 days in a week and he's just handsome. How could you deny him the desire to bring you a blog post?

This week was a tough week. I scheduled my sinus/tonsil surgery and along with that came a ton of anxiety that I wasn't expecting. I've come through other surgeries and took care of myself afterward just fine, so why should this one be any different? I'm guessing it's because the surgeon keeps telling me that I need someone with me until I'm enough off the pain meds that I can drive myself. She's shoved it hard into my head and knowing that I'm going to be alone, in a hotel room, now has my anxiety levels through the roof. With high anxiety came me not focusing on where I should have been.

I honestly have no idea how much I drank. Our pipes are still frozen, though thankfully, the bathroom sink seems to have partially thawed so we do have water again. It made it difficult which meant I didn't bother. My eating habits were..well, let's just say not so great though they were perhaps better than they might have been in the past.

I stepped onto the scale this morning, honestly inspecting a gain. I was pleasantly surprised at a teeny tiny loss..and when I say tiny, I really do mean tiny. However, I'll take it. It really serves as a good, strong reminder that even babysteps are better than no steps at all. I'm happy to report that I topped off my water bottle again this morning and have been drinking from it. I also made sure that I had breakfast again.

I've been told forever that skipping meals is bad so one of the changes that I've made is to make sure that I get in three meals every day. Last week, I did pretty good with that, but I did miss a few here and there. This week, I'm going to try to do better.

One thing that helps is that I now have my friend Rob backing me. Rob, who I hope to someday get to write a guest post here, has lost an amazing amount of weight and let me tell you folks, the man looks amazing now. I am beyond proud of him and having him in my corner helps a lot. He's one of the few people in my world that I know won't lie to me, even if it's going to suck beyond belief. Today, he told me that he believes I can do this. I know that if I feel stuck or frustrated, I can go to him and say argh! and he'll point me in the right direction...or knowing him, give me a big 'ol shove.

I've told myself and others that I can do this. I don't need fancy gadgets (not that I'd turn one down, but I can't afford them) or personal trainers or dieticians or anything like that. All I need is me and the will and desire to do this. That doesn't mean that I'm going to turn down any help I can get or that having a cheering section is a bad thing. Support is a major help in anything that we choose to do in life. I'm so glad to have those who are willing to say, "Hey, have you had your water today?" or "Hey, I'm so proud of you for not giving up." I'm even glad to have those that say, "Hey, stop slacking and get your ass in gear."

I may be a tiny turtle taking his very first slow steps in the world, but I'm taking those steps..

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: -4.6 pounds
Daily Water Average: ?????

Weekly goals:

  • 2 bottles of water each day (48oz)
  • Skating on Sunday (and if I'm insane, maybe Saturday too)

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A day late, but for a good reason!

Folks, I have never been so happy to sit down and write a post here. I can't even begin to describe the smile on my face this week. Before I even attempt to explain why, let me tell you why I'm a day late this week.

It's because...*drumroll* ..I spent yesterday putting in a new kitchen floor with the help of someone amazing enough to help me! I have just one row left to put in and then it will be all done and I can organize everything and start cooking again! I am soooo excited about this! Plus, it just looks awesome.

Now, back to the topic at hand...hehe... Wow, what a week. My water pipes froze (and are still frozen!) except for the hot water going to my bathtub. was my water last week? Awful! I managed to do 2 bottles a day right up until that happened. Then, because I was also snowed in, I switched to bottles of smoothie that I had in the fridge and drank one of those a day. It wasn't quite 48oz but I figured it was liquid and pretty healthy so better than nothing. Once those ran out, I switched to orange juice. Sheesh, talk about a challenge but I still got in the amount of liquids and it wasn't in the form of hot chocolate, soda or anything else that's super awful for you.

Plus, the cat is now out of the bag, so I can tell you my new plan for exercise! After listening to my friend, Rob, go on and on and on and on...well, you get the point...about how much he loves roller derby and skating and how it's saved his sanity more than once, I got gutsy and decided to try it out. Now, I know that those of you who know my penchant for falling off of things and tripping over my
own pajama bottoms are thinking dear lord, she's gone and finally completely lost her mind. Once I actually put my feet in the skates, I thought the same thing along with placing mental bets with myself on how long it would take before I broke something.

I am happy to say that not only did I not break anything, I only fell down once and it was only to go down on one knee! Granted, it was the knee I've had problems with, but no real damage done. On top of that, I had so much fun, even if I completely sucked at it! I am learning from scratch, after all. I didn't expect to be any good at it. So, this is what I'm going to be doing from now on. There's a rink about 25 minutes away that does free skates on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Well, they do them a couple of other times but they're busy then and I'd rather go when they're not. Plus, someone told me about another rink about 45 minutes away that's supposed to be a million times better. Dang it, I think I might end up getting hooked on this! I suppose there are worse things to be hooked on though, right?

The best part?  I know that even though I only went back and forth in this little maybe 10 foot area (while holding onto the wall), I know it was exercise. My legs, abdomen and one arm were pretty darn sore yesterday. Then, I worked in the kitchen and trust me, getting back up off the floor was a challenge. My knee didn't hurt but it sure didn't want to go back up after I went down.

I guess this means that I'm adding exercise back into my weekly routines. I won't be able to go skating every week because the boys aren't interested and spending time with them is more important to me. However, since the one rink is in the town they live in, I might start taking them back early on Sunday afternoons and getting in one hour of skating. Then, there's the gym that I mentioned last week. Financially it won't be easy, but I'm thinking about getting a membership and going over there twice a week to use their equipment. I really wish that I had closer options but that is one of the downsides to living in the middle of nowhere. If I get the membership, that will mean that I'm working out four days a week on the weeks that I go skating. Wow! I hope I'm ready to add in such a big goal!

Speaking of goals, here are mine for this week:

  • 2 bottles of water each day - I bought 2 gallons of water to help with this.
  • Make final decision regarding gym membership.
  • Research 2nd skating rink.
  • Finish the kitchen to make progress towards healthier cooking.
  • Complete garden planning to make progress towards growing healthier foods.
I think that's it! I hope everyone has a great week! Please, feel free to leave comments or drop me a line on Facebook. I have a fan page there that maybe we could all start to putting to some use! 

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -2.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -4.4 lbs
Daily Water Average: 32 oz (of liquid, not necessarily water)

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