Monday, February 17, 2014

Anxiety Won

This past week was not the best week in the world for me as far as focusing on weight loss. The truth is, I don't think I really tried at all. Okay, that's not true. I did try but I didn't try near as hard as I should have. I kind of let it ride and letting it ride took me right where it should have. I gained this week.

I let the monsters win. I let the ghosts of the past win. It's frustrating when I discover that things I didn't even know were an issue pop their heads up and stop me in my path. Then, I have to deal with them before I can move on down the road again.

Let's call this week's demon...Bob...Bob is a bully and a half. He took something that I enjoyed and was excited about and turned it into a nightmare for me. Let me give you a bit of a background..I've been fighting insomnia for nearly a week now. Between Friday night and Saturday morning, I figure I got about 4 hours of sleep. I had to be up early because Ben was starting his new bowling league and I had promised I would be there. So, over to Grand Rapids I went and one of the great things about this league is that we can all bowl. So, Peter (the ex-husband), Megan (his wife), Ben, Roger and I all bowled. I'm proud to say that I've somehow improved greatly in the past ten years. Maybe all the Wii bowling? Anyway, after three games, we wrapped up and headed for lunch. It was nice seeing us all doing something together without any drama. After lunch, I headed for the skating rink. Sure, I was tired, but I was determined to improve my skating from where it'd been two weeks ago.

I paid. I got my skates on. I stood up (with the help of the wall..I still haven't figured out how to just stand up). I moved to the other end of the wall because I had decided to actually skate on the wood floor this time. My theory was that falling on wood would hurt less than on concrete if I did happen to fall. I got right to the entrance to the skating floor and I froze. I was watching all these kids go round and round like it was easy and there were two adults (one of which I know is a former derby girl) standing there watching them and I couldn't move. Suddenly, there were all these thoughts in my head... "What if I look like an idiot in front of these people? What if I fall and I can't get back up? What if I never figure this out?"  They froze me in my tracks. I wish it had stopped there. Once my anxiety kicked in, it went even further. "What if I can't figure this out and I look like a fool in front of Rob? I wish Nicole were here, she'd make this fun and we'd have something fun to share together again. I wonder if she'll ever talk to me again. I miss her so much."

Before I knew it, I was standing there nearly in tears. Just writing those thoughts has tears running down my face. I ended up going and sitting down. Eventually, I managed to get out onto the floor and do one sad lap. I say sad because instead of even trying to skate, I held onto the wall and shuffled along. It was a step way back from where I'd been two weeks ago.

I chickened out from going yesterday. Instead, I curled up on the couch and did nothing more than watch tv, play games and feel depressed all day. I couldn't even begin to process the whole thing. This morning, I started to make some sense of it...Of course, after another bout of insomnia, I fell back to sleep but I'm going to try to sort it out again because I think having it in writing will help me and maybe it will help those who are closest to me but who don't understand some of my behaviors...

When I was growing up, I felt like I was the ignored child. My sister was the pretty one, my brother was the artistic one and they were also both favored children. I was the smart one or so they said. I guess everyone needed a title. As the "smart one", I worked hard at my grades and for me, there was no such thing as failure. Failure equaled disappointment which equaled no longer having anything that was my own. It meant that instead of any kind of attention, I would be ignored. I spent my entire childhood and a good part of my adulthood just trying to make people happy. Maybe if I never disappointed anyone, they wouldn't send me away. I developed a fear of being seen as foolish without ever realizing that I had.

It's the reason that I won't play new games with others. Instead, if I know in advance, I'll read all the rules and learn how to play. That way, there's less of a chance of me looking stupid in front of those I care about. It's why I'm really afraid to try most new things in front of people that I care about. What if I do something dumb and they don't want me around anymore? The most hurtful thing anyone can say or do is to tell me or allow me to feel that they're disappointed in me.

Is it logical? Nope, but anxieties and fears rarely are. I've spent the past year or so surrounding myself with the most supportive, loving and amazing people..people who would never consider me a fool for not knowing how to play a board game or for trying to learn a new skill. The loss of Nicole as a friend damaged me more than I wanted to let on. I love that woman and it hurts to think that she doesn't trust me or that she was so disappointed in me as a friend that she just didn't want to be my friend anymore. Every time I think about her, I cry. I know that nothing I could have done would have changed what happened. I know that, in reality, nothing I did do caused this, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

That hurt combined with fear combined with lack of sleep led to a lackluster week. It's up to me to decide which is stronger...fear or myself. I overate, I didn't get my water in, I skipped out on the one real form of exercise that I'm doing this week and that's all on me. I made a poor decision when I let fear run my life. Today is a new day though and I'm going to try to start putting myself back on the right little step at a time...

Starting Weight: -----------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: +.8
Total Weight Loss: -3.8
Daily Water Average: 24oz

Weekly Goals:

  • 48oz of water per day
  • Skating at least once this week
  • Food planning for surgery stay



Let anxiety have this one...and move on. *We* know you are fabulous and *we* know you will be out there trying again next time.

*We* know you are awesome and will overcome anxiety.

We all fall.
We all use the wall to start.
We all have our bad days.
We also have your back on this and will help pick you up again.

You've *so* got this. :)

- Scott :)


"Fairytales don't teach children that monsters exist''they already know that monsters exist. Fairy tales teach children that monsters can be killed."

You can totally do this. Bob is a mean bully of a monster, but you can kick his butt. I know that you're going to have bumps and that sometimes you're going to slide back, but I know at the end of it all that you're going to get where you're meant to go and want to go. I believe in you.

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