Weekly Update: 95% Back to Normal

 Whew. What a difference a week makes. Last week was so hard but I'm thankful to report that I've weathered the storm of getting back on my medication and I'm feeling so much better. Now, to remind myself how miserable that week was when I start thinking about going off the meds again. I don't know why I do that. I'm so good about them for ages then I just stop one night. At least this last time I had pneumonia as a reason, but still...

Anyway, that's over, thank goodness. I don't have very much else to report since I spent the entire week pretty much on the couch. I did go into town with Ben and had lunch on Wednesday. That was nice except for the fact that food just didn't appeal to me. I'm still finding that to be a bit of a problem. I know I need to eat but once the food is in front of me, I'm kind of meh about it. It's frustrating because I don't want to waste food so I either force myself to eat it or I put it in the fridge and hope it sounds better later. 

Since there's not much to say about last week, I guess I'll jot down my goals for this coming week:

1. Finish cleaning the bathroom

2. Work on the living room

3. Help Ben with homework

4. Log new client's book

5. Start new client's book

6. Continue in bed by midnight

7. Set up appointment to get the kittens spayed/neutered

Not a complicated list but one that I think is achievable which is important after last week where I got essentially nothing accomplished. Some of it I can knock out today which will help set me up with time to work on the book. That's going to be a big one. It's the writer's first novel which is always special and just a little bit scary. For now though, I'm going to put a call into our vet and get these babies scheduled to be fixed. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

Medication Journal

 Day 1 (9/28): Took medication (2 mg Aripiprazole, 40 mg Citalopram) at 10pm the night before. Went to bed at 11pm.  Didn't sleep well. Tossed and turned, unable to stay asleep. Sometime in early hours of morning realized I'd developed a headache and sinus pain. Got up around 8am, took migraine medication and allergy medication. Then slept until 11am. Things feel a bit slow motion. Still going to try to push through with plans for today though client work may be extremely difficult. Headache seems to be trying to return (12:12pm). 

Day 2 (9/29): Took medication at 9:57 pm. Went to bed at 11pm. Slept better, but was woken up at 3:45 am by kittens who wanted to play. Went back to sleep but woke up at 5:30. Came downstairs, used the bathroom, and laid down on the couch. Fell back to sleep around 6:30 am. Woke up briefly at 9:30 am and then at 11. Went to the post office. Head feels funny and I'm nauseous. I wanted to get the shopping done today, but I don't think it's in the cards. I'm going to try to push through and do email and go from there.

Day 3: (9/30): Had a major headache yesterday afternoon/evening. Ended up having to take medicine for it. Took medication at 11 pm (damn debate) and bed around 12:45 am. Woke up 3-4 times during the night, but didn't check the times. Woke up at 7:30 and then at 7:50 when the kittens started playing on top of me. Feel groggy and already have a headache/nausea coming on. 

Day 4: (10/1): Took medication at 10pm and was in bed by 11pm. Too tired to read. Still headachey during the day and appetite is toast. I get hungry but when food is put in front of me, I don't really want it. Bonus? I have nearly an entire bowl of pasta in the fridge from where I didn't eat it when Ben and I went out for lunch yesterday. Didn't sleep well, but I think that was due to the pair of void monsters who didn't want to sleep. I think I woke up at least 4 times due to being attacked or wrestled on. Didn't end up getting up until nearly 10:30am and I'm exhausted with a headache. Probably going to take today to do the minimum and that's about it. 

Day 5: (10/2): Took medication at 10pm and laid down on the couch, falling asleep just after midnight. Huge mistake. I didn't sleep well at all and woke up once an hour or so but was too tired to drag myself upstairs. Slight headache and intermittent nausea today. Mostly just super tired. Fingers crossed that either this weekend or tomorrow I'll be back on track. 

Day 6: (10/3): Took medication at 10pm and went to bed around midnight. Slept under my weighted blanket for the first time. Other than it being hard to roll over under it, I enjoyed it. Slept through the night except for the kittens waking me up once and Dorian deciding that'd be a great time to start poking me in the face so I would pet him. Didn't wake up until about 10:30am. Essentially no headache this morning and only the slightest bit of queasiness. Actually feeling some motivation to do something which is a nice change. 

Day 7: (10/4): Took medication at 10pm and went to bed around 11:30pm. After waking up a few times, I ended up sleeping until around 12:25pm. Did have a headache overnight but it was mostly gone by morning. Actually stayed awake unlike the day before when I woke up at 10:30 and was back asleep from noon - three. Mostly laid on the couch but did get the disgusting towel out of the bathtub and that bag of trash taken out. It's not much, but it's something.

Day 8: (10/5): Last planned entry. Took medication at 10pm and went to bed at midnight. Woke up a few times and didn't end up getting up until 11:30 am. I really didn't want to leave the warm, comfy bed but my bladder demanded otherwise. I'd say I'm feeling 95% normal which is good. It means my brain is clear and I can get things done.  I do have a slight headache but not so bad that I can't function. 

Weekly Update: Medication Haze

 My brain feels so weird today and I know this post/day is going to be a challenge to get through, but I'm going to try my best.

Last night, for the first time in months, I took my medication. I took it around 10 pm and went to be around 11. I had plans to read, but I was just too tired so I went pretty much right to sleep. Except, I didn't stay asleep. I lost track of the number of times that I woke up or changed positions. At some point, I realized that the right side of my face hurt...like sinus pain...that triangle between right eye, right ear, and right sinus. I think around 8:30 this morning I gave up and came downstairs. I took migraine medicine because I now had a full blown headache and some allergy meds. I laid down and managed to get a couple more hours of sleep, so I'm not totally exhausted.

I do feel...slow though. That's the only way I can think to describe it. My fingers are flying across the keyboard typing this, but I feel as if the rest of me is moving in slow motion. It's a weird feeling and not one that I especially enjoy. I have things to get done today that I really don't want to push off until tomorrow if I can at all help it.

Last night I sat down and wrote out a weekly schedule for myself. Today I'm working on getting started with it. I'm going to have to be fairly flexible with it though because I need to grocery shop before Saturday which is the day I put it on the schedule. I'm also waiting on phone calls from my son's specialist because between them and where he does his physical/occupational therapy, they can't seem to get it together and need me as a middle man. It's rather annoying. 

So, the schedule...it's my hope that between having that as a guideline and the medication, I'll be more productive and get myself back on track with things. After all, it'd be good to do that before I fall through the kitchen floor. I keep feeling as if I missed putting something on there, but I included: house cleaning, client work, and writing time. I did leave a lot of space on each day's list though in case I remembered something as I go through this week. 

God, I know these segues are awful and I am so sorry. This slow motion brain just is not working for me. Here's hoping it adjusts quickly and I can go back to "normal" so far as this goes. But hey, let's jump to the next thing...

The boys came over Saturday and we all drove to Okemos and had lunch at Old Chicago. Total cost for a Chicago style pizza with 3 toppings? $8.88 because I had a birthday discount of $17 off a pizza. From there we went to East Lansing to Grand Traverse Pie Company and I got us all slices. Total cost? About $8.50 because mine was free for my birthday. So, for less than $20, we all ate and were nice and full after. Plus, the company was pretty priceless.

When we got back to the house, Roger carried the a/c unit that I had in my car to the barn for me. It's a small step towards getting my car cleared out. If it doesn't rain every day this week, I'm going to try to go out and finish up cleaning out the front seat. I think I have car cleaning supplies in the trunk that I can even wipe down the upholstery and such. There's also a car wash here in the village where I can go use the vacuum to sweep it out. Again, baby steps. A lot of this will depend on the weather and brain fog, but hey, all I can do is try.

I think I'm going to leave this at that. I want to do another quick post where each day this week I monitor my body's reaction to the medication. I'm not really sure why, but that feels important to me...

Love you all! Stay safe and take care of yourselves and each other!

PS I still hate the new blogger. 

PPS I'm sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Blogger is broken and not acknowledging them which makes these posts hard to read. 

2020 Birthday Wrap Up

 Okay, first of all, what the heck is up with sites feeling they need a brand new design? First Facebook...whose new design sucks and I have rejected it 11 times now. I know they're going to force it on me soon, but I will hold out as long as possible. Now it's Blogger. I really don't know why companies feel they have to fix things that aren't broken. Focus on adding features, fixing bugs, not redesign. 

There. Now that I have that off my chest, it's time for the annual birthday blog post. I used to do this over on Life With Katie, but since I've made that my author site, I felt here was a better place for it since it's not about writing goals or anything like that. 

Let's start by summarizing my birthday: the good, the bad, the summary style. 

The Good - First text of the day was from my best friend. I've missed him so damn much and he doesn't know that, but every time his text chime goes off, I smile. I cannot wait until we can be together again. That reminds me...I think I still owe him about 7 steaks.

A friend called and we were on the phone for nearly four hours. It was pretty awesome. 

I got an incredible weighted blanket from Justin. It has albino penguins all over it and I can't wait to use it. I also got taken out for a very late lunch/early dinner by my oldest and my "middle" child got to join us. (Middle is in quotes because he's my youngest biologically but the son we "adopted" is like 4 days younger than him.)

I got to pick a name for the name a cat poll on my favorite Twitch channel (Twitch.tv/Apoinsettia) and my name won! I'd like to welcome Sadie officially to the channel. I also got happy birthdays there, on the SeanLikesJazz channel, and on Discord. Plus all of the ones on Facebook and a new thrown in on Twitter. Super nice.

The Bad - "The Man" sucks. Yep. I'm not being nice on this. He pretty much blew off our anniversary and then yesterday? No text. No card. No gift. He didn't even respond to my text. In fact, he hasn't in 9 days now. What did he do? He posted to my Facebook wall: Hey you, happy birthday.  ...I wanted to respond, Hey you, we need to talk, but I didn't. I did send him a text last night saying that I was super sad that he wouldn't even text me on my birthday. Zero response. Big surprise, huh? 

Anyway, enough about that. I need to do something about it, but I also need to do a thousand other things...so...only other bad? No other cards or gifts. Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy, but it is what it is. I have a need to be validated on that one day a year and while social media posts are great, they're just not the same thing. Maybe next year I'll throw myself a card party...

The Summary - Not a bad day overall. There were some tears thanks to "the man" but there were also smiles and laughter. I'd give the day a solid 7.5/10. Only things missing? A phone call from my best friend, "the man" not being a douche, and a few more cards/gifts.

Now, for anyone who has read my past birthday blog posts, you know that I often use my birthday as a day of introspection and planning for the upcoming year. I usually pick something to focus on and set some goals. Why break tradition, right?

Focus: Mental health

Mental health can be the root of so many other issues. It can be why I don't take care of myself, why I don't do things or get things done. Ever since I had pneumonia and then Covid happened (to the world, not to me), I've struggled with all of this. I had such a hard time when I was sick that I stopped taking my medicine. I was coughing so much that I was throwing up and it just became easier not to take it. Unfortunately, as anyone who struggles with a medication schedule knows, once you mess up that schedule, it's so hard to get back to it. So, my taking my meds appropriately is step 1 of getting back on track. They should help me get to a place where I can start handling things that I've let slide again. 

Goals:

I'm keeping these simple. They need to be attainable so that I can achieve them and then set new goals. Nobody said you can only set goals on your birthday and new years, right?

Goal #1: Books

I want to have written and published two more books by the time my birthday rolls around next year. Apo's Army is already in progress and then I want to go back to the toy store. This is doable. 

Goal #2: House

Due to my mental health, I've allowed the house to get more than a little out of control. I need to reign that in and then over the coming year get some serious house fixes done. By done I mean letting the owner know there are issues. My main ones are: kitchen floor (hopefully within the next couple of weeks), furnace (November) and water heater/electrical (Spring).  I'm spreading these out so that the owner doesn't 100% freak out. I don't want to go another year without heat in the house though. Can it be done? Yes. Do I deserve to have heat? Yes. I just need to remind myself of that.

Goal #3: Car

This one seems kind of silly, but I want to clean out my car...like really clean it out, wiping everything down, etc and keep it nice. I'm so tired of it looking like I live in it or something. Next time I go out to it, I'm going to take a trash bag with me and just start filling it with whatever needs to go into the trash can. Front seats should be pretty easy. Then, I'll tackle the back seat. There's an a/c unit back there. Maybe when the boys stop by this weekend I'll get Roger to put that into the barn. 

So, that's it. My focus and goals for this coming birth year. They're small, but I think they're all really important. I'm off to actually write a post for Life With Katie. I've been so horrible about updating there. It's one of the things that I stopped doing in the Covid depression era. I need to get better about that.

Have an amazing day, all of you! You're much loved.

PS New blogger got rid of my entire list of tags. Argh! 

Weekly Update: Out of the Blue

Well, here we are, Monday again. It's been a rocky sort of week. Not terrible, just a bit rocky. Let's just start typing and see what we come up with, shall we?

Hmm...I don't know where to start...Let's see...

Ben's physical therapy is going well. He only has two more sessions left. In fact, he sees his nurse or whatever she is today to update her and see what the next steps are. His physical therapist doesn't think he needs muscle relaxers which is good. I'm a bit concerned because his arm has seemed to be really tight a couple of times. Physical therapy is so expensive though. His dad's insurance didn't cover $700 of his initial bill. If medicaid doesn't pick up some of that, it's all out of his bank account because I can't help and his stepmom won't let his dad. If we add occupational therapy onto that, that's another bill for the poor kid.

Roger is doing good. He's at his dad's. He doesn't want to spend regular time here which is really hard on me. He said to me this past week that it's gross here and he always feels as if he has to clean. That's a blow. It's not great here, but I didn't think it was gross. I've been trying to do things to improve the place, but I'm not moving fast enough and some of it is what do I tell the owners is the problem first...I don't want to tell them both big things at the same time. I feel like I've failed them. I know that it's not all my fault, but it is my brain that's the problem. I can't ignore that.

On the work front things are slowing down. That worries me, but there's nothing I can really do about it. I have one novel on my desk that I'm working on. I am supposed to have a couple of comics coming my way in September and possibly another novel, so I'll be okay.

DHS sucks. They were supposed to call me on Friday between 830 and 1030, but they never did. I tried calling but there were 47 people ahead of me and only an hour until they closed. I should try to call them again today but I don't have the time so it will have to wait until tomorrow. It's so frustrating that I gave them the information that they requested and they rejected it and now I have to go through all of this.

Let's throw some good news into the mix before I get into what's really weighing on me this morning...

Yesterday, we (Ben and I) picked up two tiny black kittens from someone that I know. Their mother had been hit by a car and this couple rescued the litter from the barn and bottle raised them. To say that they're spoiled is an understatement. These guys have been on high end food and cuddled and coddled to no end. My boys aren't 100% sure why I brought new babies into their house but nobody has massively freaked out. I had them in their carrier, on the couch, last night where everyone could smell each other. Then they spent last night in the bathroom, where they still are. I need to work and that allows them to still all smell each other and get used to each other. It also allows the babies to stretch their legs and explore a bit. When I went in there this morning to use the bathroom, they were curled up together on my jeans that I'd left in there. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, Mina (the female) came running over, climbed up on my lap, then my chest for snuggles. Then she spent a few minutes walking laps around my chest and shoulders, purring the whole time. She is 100% a lover. Apollo, her brother, came over for some attention too but was more interested in exploring the bathtub than me. I think given a bit of time for adjustment, they'll do well here. I've already left a message for my vet to take them in for a well check since they've not been to one yet.

Now...This part is going to be long so if you want to scroll, I'll put a tl;dr at the bottom.

I had a friend. A best friend. We were close and had known each other for about 10 years. After he ended his relationship with his girlfriend, we became lovers of sorts. I say of sorts because we live a good 5 hours apart and due to life stuff, we almost never saw each other. In fact, from the first time we were together that way to the second (and last) time, there was six years in between. While I was at his place the first time things happened, I told him that it would be really hard for me when he got another girlfriend because that'd end things between us. He told me that it wouldn't, that whoever he was with would have to accept me too.  Now, this may sound weird to some of you, but both him and I had led "alternative" lifestyles for ages so it wasn't weird to us.

Six years go by...six long as years where I don't get to see him. It sucked. I'll just leave it at that. One night, out of the blue, he asks if he can call me. I was excited, right until he called me and told me he was calling because a friend of ours had died. I was stunned. My instinct was that I needed to be there, but I was afraid to ask him if I could come. I did though and he told me, of course. The trip there was chaos...my car broke down, I had to get a rental, I had a hard time getting my data to work internationally...chaos. Somehow though, when I got there and he hugged me, it all seemed worth it. I was in my safe space. He's always been my safe space...someone I could be around and just be me. I didn't have to put on an act or pretend. On the way there, I had let him know I'd be late due to all the car nonsense and I had said something about doing something that might be bad for me when I was there...He thought I meant smoke marijuana (he uses it medicinally) but I meant sleeping with him again. I knew that if I did, it'd be even harder on me to go and not know when I might see him again.

That night, I didn't know where I was sleeping. I had asked if I could borrow his couch when I had initially asked if I could stay with him. I didn't know his feelings on things...but somehow, that night, I ended up in his bed. It was probably as simple as him asking if I was coming to bed. Once we got there, I could tell that he was as nervous as I was...we both wanted it, but there were a lot of years and emotion in between. Things happened. I'll leave it at that.

A couple of days later, I had to get back so I packed things up and headed home. This time, though, I was sure I'd see him again soon, probably in a few months. I was wrong, so very, very wrong. About 4 months later, he posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship. My heart broke because I just knew that it meant I was out. I tried to talk to him and he said he'd wanted to talk to me...wanted to, but hadn't. I won't lie. I pretty much lost it. Losing him meant losing one of the few places in this world that I felt safe, where I felt protected. There were other things going on and I was off my medication. It was ugly. I probably begged him not to do this to me.

What I do remember is coming home one night and sitting in my car. I couldn't stop crying. It was all too much. I'd lost my lover, my best friend, my safe space...I recorded a voice message for him that basically said I planned on killing myself and this was my goodbye message for him. The next morning, I updated my "if I die" file and then poured all of my medication into a wooden bowl that he had made. I had read if you take enough of the medication with alcohol, it would kill you. I had a bottle of sangria left over from New Years. Only my silly little cat (who I miss desperately) stopped me from doing it. Every time I reached for the bowl, she stood in between me and it and demanded I pet her. As for him? He never responded.

That was it for me...this man who supposedly loved me would let me die. Avoiding the conflict was more important than saving me. Months went by. The day after my birthday I sent him a text...he never misses my birthday...saying he'd forgotten. He said he had, he was sorry, but that he needed to find a new place to live fast. I knew what was coming maybe before he did. He was going to move in with her. They were going to start their happily ever after. I'd already muted him on social media and I kept it that way. Every post was like a stab in the back, but after a while, I got tired of crying and decided to move on with my life. He'd made his decision. It was to not have me in his life anymore.

Fast forward a year...to last night...he sent me a text saying that he was in the hospital but wanted to voice chat with me if I'd talk to him. I still love him, god help me, but the trust that we had is no longer there. He blew that up. Still, I texted with him a bit...about what he was doing in the hospital, about how I got kittens...easy things. I did ask him if he was high on pain meds and that's why he thought reaching out to me was a good idea. When he initially text me, he said he was now in a position to talk...my first thought was, "Were you being held against your will for the past year?"

Today I asked him why he reached out to me. He said he'd rather voice chat about it. He did say that he's sorry and he owes me a lot of sorries. Well, that's true but it doesn't help me from crying as I relive all of that. It doesn't change that even after something like 15 months that I don't feel 100% betrayed. I moved on, but my heart never truly did. I'm scared. Do I want to risk being hurt again? Am I strong enough? I don't know...I know that if I told him that I can't, he'd respect that. What I don't know if is I want to tell him no...

TL;DR: Former friend/lover bailed on me for 15 months and has made a reappearance in my life.

Edited to add: I let him call. He apologized for..well...everything. He was sincere. If knowing him for as long as I have means anything, I know when he's being sincere. Is everything 100% between us? Probably not. It's going to take some time to rebuild that trust to where it was before. It turns out that he got himself into a bad situation with this woman and like we've all done at some point, didn't see the red flags for what they were until it was too late. He's moved out now and will be rebuilding for a bit. I wish I could see him face to face because I think it'd bring healing to both of us, but since I'm not allowed in his country, that's not going to happen. This will be a one day at a time rebuilding of a friendship, but I think it'll be okay and that's the part that matters.

Weekly Update: Reclaiming Me

This will have to be a short post, I'm afraid. I have to leave soon to go do something that's just for me. I have an appointment this afternoon to get my hair cut. I never cut my hair. I leave it long because "the man" likes it and I mostly don't care. It's been long most of my life. After today's appointment, it won't be. I'm having at least 6-8 inches taken off. When I get depressed, I stop brushing it. There's some natural curl to it so it starts to knot. This time, it'd been months since I brushed it out. It took me an estimated 4-6 hours to brush out all of the knots and snarls. I ask myself why I'm writing this where others can see it...I guess because this is my reality.

It's been no secret that I've been struggling for a while now and I'v decided that if I can't properly care for long hair, I shouldn't be having it. It's not a punishment, more of a self-care item. Not brushing it becomes something very stressful for me. If I cut it shorter, it will be easier to maintainer. Besides, hair grows. It'll get longer again.

After that, I have to go grocery shopping. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks and I have nothing more than a box of cereal to really eat. Time to fix that.

After that, maybe I'll come back and post more here. I'd like to, but we'll see where the day takes me.
----

I'm back! I did it. I walked into the salon and told the woman to have her way with my hair and oh boy, did she! I think she had to have cut 8-10 inches off of it. I'm kind of in love with the new cut though and it's going to be so much easier to maintain. When I shake my head, I feel my hair moving, not acting as an anchor. I don't know if I'll keep it short, but for now, it's fantastic.

If you look close, you can see a comparison of where she'd cut and what was still hanging down in front long.

This is just some of the hair that ended up on the floor when we were all done. I snapped this quick so I didn't get multiple angles or all of the area.

The finished product! Like I said, I kinda love it. I don't know what it will be like without the product in it but I do know that it will be a lot easier to maintain and that I'm also kinda proud of me for just going and doing it. I was nervous, but I knew this would be something good for me and I did it.

Right. Enough about my hair, even if it makes me smile. As you may notice, by the fact I'm actually smiling, things are better today. I have enough work to keep me busy for most of this month and enough money to pay my car tags. Usually when that bill shows up, I panic right up until the last minute. They're not due for about 6 weeks, but once I'm done writing this post, I'm going to pay them. That feels really good.

Let's see...what else is happening? I'm adopting a couple of kittens either this coming weekend or next. I'm not totally sure. I'm waiting for their foster dad to give me a date. He rescued them from his barn when their mum was hit by a car. There are a total of 5 of them but they're planning on keeping two or three of them. Roger says I have to have most of the downstairs cleaned before we go get them so I guess that will be my motivation. I've decided if one of them is male that I'm naming him Aziraphale to keep up with my literary cat namings. If it's female, I have no idea and I have no idea for a second name. I'll come up with something though. I mean it would be weird to not name it...just call it noname cat... Then again, the No Names are my favorite monster in Nick's comics...I don't think the kids would go for it though.

Life feels okay today. I'm slowly digging myself out of the hole that I created for myself and I'm hoping that I can continue to do so without another major backslide. Oh! I forgot to say that I also ordered and picked up my prescriptions today so I can make sure to get back on track with those. Woot! It's another babystep, but an important one.

For now though, I'm going to get some work done while I'm feeling productive. Take care of yourselves and each other, okay?

Weekly Update: 95%

I'm back! I'm not 100%, but I'd put me at about 95%. I'm finally able to get through the day without having to take a nap. My body would like me to take one, but I'm not having to do it. My cough was gone, but yesterday I had to go out and do some shoveling and clearing off the car. Since then, I've been coughing some again...deep coughs. I hope it's not a sign that something is coming back. Fingers crossed!

On other fronts, I've started working on making sure that I'm taking my medicine every night. I have missed 4 days this month but I'm not beating myself up over it. I'll get back into the routine. I may move my pills up to my bedroom so they're "in my face" at bedtime. I haven't quite decided yet.

The kids are all doing well. Ben is doing Special Olympics basketball and has his first tournament this coming Saturday. Roger had a concert last night and it went really well. Dylan...well, I mostly hear about girls from him. I hope he's applying himself that much to his studies. He's impatient to get to the advanced courses and think the early ones are a waste of time.

I know this is a super short update, but I'm kind of blank as to what to write about today. So, for now...have a grand week and I'll see you soon!

Balance

Two weeks in a row, who would have thought? This is going to be a short post because it's been a very busy day and tomorrow...no, this entire week is going to be crazy. My oldest is visiting until Wednesday night and we have plans to attempt some serious deep cleaning around here. Of course, my plan to have no editing work for this week completely bombed. I have 4 more files for a friend of mine and each file takes me at least a couple of hours. I just seem incredibly slow at it. I'm hoping that he'll be patient and give me a few more days to get them done. I'll message him first thing in the morning and see what kind of timeline he can work with.

Other than that, things are going fairly well. I still don't have a blood pressure monitor, but someone from my past popped up and said he'd like to give me the money to buy one. Since we haven't spoken in about 25 years or more, I have my hesitations but if he comes through, that would be amazing.

I'm still really tired which concerns me. I don't know what's causing it. I did okay today though, but it's the first day that I have. I'm hoping though that it means I've turned a corner with that. It's so hard to balance life when you're spending half of it asleep or feeling out of it with exhaustion.

Balance is obviously a concern. My little editing business seems to be taking off which is incredibly exciting, but I need to figure out how to balance client work with house work and writing. I don't want to stop writing and right now the only writing that I'm doing is a weekly prompt over on Life With Katie that I've managed to do two weeks in a row. Hopefully I can start to find that balance so that I can do all of the things that I need to. Yep, I need to write. It's part of who I am...

For now though, it's nearing midnight and I need to take my medicine and see about getting ready for bed. Tomorrow is talking with my client, working on one of his files, and then Ben and I are going to try to get the kitchen cleaned up. A tidy space helps me keep a tidy mind. Thank goodness for awesome kids who are willing to help out.

What? A Weekly Update?!?

It's only been a week and I'm back! Can you believe it? I almost can't except that I've been working on setting up a new Monday schedule which includes writing a post here and writing one over on Life With Katie.

So, how are things? Let me tell you. I'm still struggling with being really tired during the day. I wake up around 7:30 and stay awake until maybe 9 am and then I fall back to sleep until 10:30 or later. It's far from ideal. I'm hoping that it's still the medication and not a blood pressure issue.

Speaking of blood pressure issues, I still don't have a cuff for me to monitor things at home. Why, you ask? Because insurance sucks. The first place I went doesn't take my insurance. The second place does, but the insurance requires submission of my appointment notes showing medical necessity. Then, once the place submits those, it can take 2-3 weeks for them to approve (or not) it so I can get one. It's really frustrating and a little bit scary. I've looked on Amazon and for $50, I could have a really high rated one and not have to go through this, but every penny that comes in, goes right back out to one bill or another. You would think that they'd find preventative care worthy of investing in. I don't think I'm at serious risk for a heart attack or anything, but if I were to have one, the medical expenses would be a lot higher than the cost of an at home blood pressure cuff.

Let's see, other than that, it's really all about adjusting to not having the kids here. Roger and Dylan seem to be settling in well at college. I saw them on Friday and Dylan was chatting quite a bit about a girl that he's met. Maybe he'll have a girlfriend soon. Roger is busy with classes and rehearsing. It makes me smile to see him taking things so seriously. His roommate is talking about starting a D&D group for Friday nights and he's interested. I may need to dig out my dice for him soon.

My editing business is trickling along with makes me smile. I made enough in August to keep DHS off my back for another month. Right now, September is looking promising, thank god. Even with the new medication, I panic at the thought of having to work outside of the house. So, I keep pushing with my little business. It's something that I truly love doing and it's flexible so if I need to go do something else, I can go do it. I think I need that flexibility.

I guess that's it for now! Life is all about adjustments right now. Tonight I start in with making sure I'm in bed by midnight. I've also slept with the tv on and the light on for years now so I'm going to start working on turning down the tv a little bit each night. Baby steps, right? Now...I'm going to baby step over to the other site and work on a Wordsmith Wednesday post!

Health Update

Isn't that post-it super cute? I made it all by myself...Okay, well, with the help of a generator. As usual, it's been a while so I wanted to post an update, especially since I went and had my annual physical on Friday. Look at me almost being on top of things!

So, here we go...everything, for the most part, is okay. My weight is down 15 pounds from last year (now at 300 even), so that's good. I still want/need to keep working that direction. I spoke to her about my crippling anxiety at the idea of having to work outside of the house to keep my food stamps. She's given me an additional medication to try out to see if it helps. I need to go back at the end of September to see if it's helping. The other big issue is my blood pressure. She wants me to monitor it twice a day for a month to see if we need to tweak medication for there. Right now, I'm waiting for a prescription to be sent to the the right place for me to pick up the monitoring equipment. I'm a little nervous about that, but considering the panic attacks and big life changes happening around here, I can't really be surprised that my blood pressure is high. Still, better to monitor it and get ahead of it than not. They also want me to change back to a birth control shot because it doesn't have estrogen in it and with my age, they don't want to risk the higher chances of blood clots that can come with added estrogen.

Let's see...what's happening other than that?  On Saturday, we moved the boys into Michigan State for their first year of college. I managed to hold it together and not cry, but my mom heart is struggling. I keep wanting to message them to make sure that they're okay, but so far I've resisted. They know how to reach me if they need me. I figure I'll make it maybe to the end of the week, but I'll limit myself to asking them how their first weeks went.

As for me, there's been a pick up in my editing business which is exciting. I'm hoping to continue to see that forward momentum. If I can bring in $600 a month from that, I can stop worrying about having to work outside of the house. Fingers crossed! Very soon I'm going to try to see about getting to the pool. I've been waiting for school to start there so that they can hopefully get themselves sorted into a regular schedule before I jump in. I'm nervous about that too (hello, blood pressure!) but hopefully it's something that I can do. I really think that it will help with my knee joint problems. I just have to find the ...what's the word...strength to pull myself up and out of the house to do it. That's going to be the hard part...well that and not letting nerves get in the way once I'm there.

Fingers crossed, lots of deep breathes, and here we go?

Feelin' Good

So, it's been a few weeks and I wanted to make sure that I stopped in and let you guys know how it was all going. It's had its ups and downs that's for sure. I just have to stop singing and dancing to this song so I can actually type it all out.  I love this song so much. The video is a bit weird though, don't you think?

Okay, it's done. Right. So the past few weeks...Well, last post I told you that I had decided to start back on my anti-depressant and that I was a bit nervous because I tend to forget if it's doing me any good once I'm on it for a bit. That's part of the reason that I want to write about it. I want to have a record that I can look back on.

I decided to start with a half dose because the last time I took a full dose (I was on the max allowed dosage) it made me feel loopy. I spent an hour one evening cutting all of my pills in half and rebottling them. That night, I took my first dose. The next day I was headachey and nauseous all day long. It was not fun, but I took another dose the following night because I figured maybe I just had to adjust to it. The following day was a Thursday. I know this because my youngest had a jazz performance at a club. I had the same headache but the queasiness was more on and off, but man, when it was on, I wanted to throw up. Ugh. That night, I didn't take any. The thought of swallowing anything was too much.

Friday I still felt crummy, but better. I decided that I'd try an every other day regimen for a while. Saturday I woke up and felt great. Go figure. So, I took another dose that night. No reason to put it off if I'm feeling okay with it. Sunday I woke up and started the first real period that I've had in over three years. Now I'm wonder if the medicine combined with hormonal crap and just made me feel dreadful. No real way to know, but I've not had that god awful reaction since.

So, since I started, I only missed that one dose and that was on purpose. I'm really starting to notice a change. I've had my down days and I've had some serious stressors, but so far I've been handling them. The past couple of days I've found myself smiling, singing, and god help the poor cats who can see me...dancing. I feel lighter. I feel more like things are going to be okay, and that they're possible.

I had about 4 nights of total insomnia, but I think that I'm slowly moving past that which is good. The past two days I haven't slept until noon or later which is a relief. Regulating sleep is a top priority because my afternoons are too busy to lose my mornings.

In a bit of other news, I'm thrilled to say that #Fridgepocalypse is over now. Our brand new refrigerator was delivered this afternoon. If you don't know what that hashtag means, I'll just say that this is our second fridge purchase in just over a month. I'm going to have to put myself out there more as a proofreader/editor to make the money back as quickly as I can but I don't believe that it's impossible. I just have to get the right eyes on what it is that I do.

As for weight, I don't really have an update there. I don't have a way to weigh myself at home and I haven't figured out a solution for that yet. I don't really want to drive 20 minutes to the doctor's office every couple of weeks, even though I'm pretty sure they'd let me stop in and use the scales. I will say that I think that my pants feel a bit looser, but it's hard for me to tell if that's just wishful thinking or reality. I promise I'll keep updating that bit as often as I can though. I need to know too if the bits I'm trying are working. Only five more months until that appointment. Now that the new fridge is here though, I can get my water bottles filled and in there so that I have a ready supply of drinking water on hand which will be nice.

Current Weight: ???
Goal Weight: 150 lbs
Days in a Row Taking Meds: 18

Ch..Ch...Ch...Changes

Another month has flown by and I can't even tell you where it went. February in Michigan has been brutal with things like polar vortexes, icemageddons, and then a bomb cyclone. There was a lot of drama involving me attempting to get a fridge back into my house and a lot of time just being mom.

Now here we are, the last day before the end of the month and life hasn't slowed down even slightly. As I'm writing this, I'm sitting at a jazz orchestra rehearsal. My youngest son has been a part of this audition only group for two years so for two years, I've lost about 8 hours each day getting him here and back...as well as the rehearsal time. He loves it and I love sitting in, even if it takes away from other things I could be...and maybe should be doing.

So, here we are and I'm trying to sort through the stuff in my head. Thank goodness I have all of you to talk to about things! It really does help me work through them.

Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment. Nope, let's back up. On Monday, I took myself off to a hotel for an overnight stay. My water heater has decided it doesn't like hot water anymore and with the appointment coming up, I needed a night away and a long, hot shower. Best decision I've made in a while. Thank goodness for tiny tax returns which let me do that. I got to relax and rest up which I badly needed.

Then, yesterday, I went to see a plastic surgeon. If you know me, you know I have huge boobs. You'll also know that I'd rather not, but I'd never have plastic surgery for vanity's sake. They're causing me issues. My collar bone hurts a lot of the time. I never have straight shoulders. I'm always hunched over because of them. Boobs weigh a lot, guys. So, after my doctor asking me about it for over five years, I decided it was time. It took me almost 5 months to get this appointment.

The doctor was super nice, but basically laid it out that if I want to lose weight, I need to do it pre-surgery. If I do the surgery first and then lose the weight, the boobs will sag, and he doesn't think I'd be happy with them. The reality is that they beyond sag now and they're not close to symmetrical. Still, if I'm going to go through all of this, I do want to look down and be happy afterwards.

I left the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I wasn't hurt or upset by anything that he said. He couldn't have been nicer. He told me that if I wanted to go ahead now, he would do the full exam and proceed. He also suggested, that if I wanted, I could come back in six months and we could reevaluate everything. That would give me time to work on losing weight if that's what I wanted to do. If, at that point, I didn't feel I was where I wanted to be yet, we could put it off another three to six months.

I sat and cried because I'm so angry with myself that I've allowed everything to overwhelm me to the point where I've gotten to the weight I am. I'm frustrated because I've dug myself into this deep hole between my health, weight, and house. I'm overwhelmed. I look around and don't know quite how to dig myself out. On top of everything, DHS took my projected income form for this year (which they required me to predict and which I am nowhere near making at this point) and cut my food stamps down to less than $300 a month for three of us. Luckily, Ben is off at school and Roger is busy with school and work and music, so isn't at my house all of the time.

Still, I have no idea how to feed even just me in a super healthy way with that amount of money. I'm sure it's not impossible and I'll just have to be incredibly careful about what I do buy. I'll have to tightly meal plan and stick with it.

I want to do this. I know I can do this. I'm also completely overwhelmed. I don't really know where to start. No, that's not true either! I'm full of arguing with myself tonight. I guess here's the tiny baby plan as much as it is:

1. Start logging calories using My Fitness Pal. Not so much trying to keep within what it's saying but logging so I can see where the problems may be.
2. Take the last bit of my tax return and order some glass water bottles for the fridge. I may not have hot water, but I do have water and a filter for the kitchen tap. This will allow me to not have to buy water and save a bit of money there while at the same time having a healthy drink option in the house.
3. Start talking with my tiny Facebook weight loss group about things. Support is super important.
4. Continue taking my medication. Last night I started back on a half dose of my anti-depressant and a full dose of my blood pressure medication.

Hmm...I guess it really is a tiny baby plan. That's all I've got right now.  I have six months to see how far I can get. I'm stuck without much exercise right now because I can't safely get out of the house and walk, but maybe in another month or two I can add that in. I do have a Fitbit, even if the rubber band causes my skin to react. Perhaps for my birthday (in 6 months), I can ask for a leather band for it to help alleviate that problem. If I can make some changes around the house, maybe I can start walking from one side to the other...I figure it'll only take a few hundred trips to make a mile..heh...

For now though, it's one baby step at a time. If anyone knows of some low impact exercises I can do at home that don't require a lot of space, please let me know! I'm still getting over a sprained ankle and what I suspect is a pinched nerve in my elbow, but I'm willing to try new things.

Take care of all of you!

Current Weight: 313.5
Goal Weight: A lot less ...like 150 pounds less.
Days in a row taking meds: 1

Sick of Being Sick

 I've lost track of how much I've said this lately.

I know that I told y'all that I was going to get my act together and start posting weight updates weekly here. I have totally failed at that and I feel an incredible amount of guilt for letting not just you, but me down too. The problem is that my body is letting me down right, left, and center.

Where to start? I know that I posted about going to the dentist last month. The end of June? Anyway, on July 6th, I went and had my first two extractions done. Thanks to the nitrous, I survived. After, I had to go to Walmart.  Why? Because due to laws, they can't give you pain med prescriptions in advance. I'll let you imagine how pleasant of an experience it was to sit there for an hour, starting to drool blood, and waiting for this prescription. Knowing that people were judging me either for how I looked or for the reason why once I explained it to them. I know it shouldn't matter, but when you're already drained emotionally from the process that got you there, it's hard.

The recovery wasn't tragic, but I certainly didn't feel good. Then, just when I was starting to eat real food again and my stomach was starting to recover from the minimal food/motrin combination, I developed another infection. They don't want to bother with an antibiotic, they just want to move up the date to extract the rest of my bad teeth. So, I've been sick with that for over a week now. Low grade fevers, things not tasting good, upset stomach...and the only way to clear it up is to put myself through what I just got out of...which means another week's setback.

I keep telling myself that it will be worth it once it's done, but it's so frustrating. I just want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be able to get things done. I keep falling further and further behind. Even the absolutely must dos are only getting done barely.

As if that wasn't enough, there's been some problems that involve my ex and his wife so I can't talk about them here. It's too public. Let's just say that it's spiked my stress levels insanely high over the past couple of weeks.  The combination of all of this plus a lot of little things had me run, not walk, away from social media. I just couldn't handle people. It's been a week and I'm barely sticking my toes back into that pond.

....and I just caught sight of the time. I have to go to my mammogram and get that done. This being a responsible adult thing is bullshit. I'll be back in a couple of hours to finish writing this...which you won't even realize the break except that I just wrote it...lol! ....

....and I'm back! I was squished and squashed and made to hold my breath, but I guess it's okay because she gave me a single square of chocolate afterwards. I'd have rather had a sticker.

So, I've been off of social media for about a week now and while I miss people, I find that I have a very low tolerance for them. As I told someone...For those familiar with the spoon theory, I'm out of every utensil in the drawer and I'm stabbing at things with a stick that is vaguely shaped like a chopstick. It is getting better in some ways and very much not in others.

A reminder for us all.

Mostly, I'm finding myself missing certain people. The problem is that these people aren't accessible to me and they're what I've dubbed my safe places. They're people that I can just be with. Having them no longer accessible to me makes things worse in some ways. It's harder to handle everything on your own sometimes.

But,that's just what I have to do and what I'm trying to do. For this week that means making sure I have a proper shopping list to prepare for not being able to eat real food this weekend as well as my oldest being here and him needing to eat real food. It means getting myself to all of my medical appointments this week. It also means making sure that I'm where the boys need me to be. It may be a week of baby step after baby step but if that's all I can do, that's all I can.

For now I'm going to curl up with a book for a while (I'm behind on reviews) and hopefully lose myself in its pages before I start on that shopping list...

Feeling Invisible

I had an entirely different post planned for this evening, but sometimes something comes up and I feel drawn to write about it. I don't know why but I hope it's the universe telling me that someone else needs to hear it or to know that they're not alone in it happening to them.

Lately, things have been crazy busy for me. There has been a whole lot of juggling happening and I've been pretty okay with how things were going...or so I thought. Tonight, something happened that had me physically stop mid-step in the middle of a store.

I was walking down the main back aisle after picking up yet another new charger cord for my phone when I saw the display that's posted here. It was full of cute boots and my first thought was, "Wow, those are really nice, but I'm not pretty enough or cool enough to wear something like that."  It wasn't that I'd probably not find something that fit on a clearance rack since cute shoes are tough to find with my wide feet, but that I was too ugly to wear awesome looking boots. Woah.

Then, I finished my shopping, went to the car, and ate a king size Reece's Cup before I'd even driven all the way across the parking lot. I self medicated with food. I self medicated for a problem that I didn't even realize I was having. Then, I took the 20 minute drive home (yep, I live 20 minutes at least from the closest grocery store) to explore why it was that I was feeling that way.

I realized just how tired and worn around the edges I really am. Absolutely I'm getting done what needs to get done. Bonus of being high-functioning, but when I don't have something that I *must* be doing, I'm having a tough time finding the motivation to keep going. Social media has become both a blessing and a curse. I long to reach out to people, but at least one of the people that I feel safe with has told me that they don't want me coming to them when I'm in a bad place because it's not good for them. Losing a safe place is incredibly hard.

On top of that, due to algorithms and various social media twerpishness, I feel invisible. I see other people doing the same things that I'm doing or have done and they're getting a ton of attention but I'm not. After a while, the intellectual side of me that says, "Hey, it's okay. Algorithm bullshit." gets shoved out of the way by the ugly brain stuff that says, "People love them but they don't care about you. Why do you even bother posting? Heck, why do you even bother writing stories and books? You've had almost no interaction on any posts about how you have a new book out tomorrow. Even your publisher isn't liking, commenting, or posting about it. You should just give up. Nobody cares about you or your life."

I realized that while I was proud of myself for the things that I had gotten done, I was silently beating myself up for what I hadn't. My house is a total disaster, like hoarder levels in some parts. I should be working on that, but I've been running around trying to do everything else and I can't seem to find the strength to push myself to tackle that giant project too. I'm part of a decluttering group and everyone is super supportive but I barely post to my thread there because I don't want them to know that I'm pretty much failing at the thing they've praised me for before. To add complication to that, I feel hurt that they're making a big fuss over another member...another member who totally deserves it...I guess seeing her progress and her strength (though she'd say she's no stronger than I am) reminds me more of what I'm not getting done. I feel as if I should be the wonder woman that people have claimed that I am. I've been tearing myself down and it's become so routine that I didn't even realize that I was doing it.

Somehow, while thinking about all of this, I got to thinking about how I have to be ready to move in just over a year and how I have no idea where I'll be. My kids will be off in college and living their own lives and I'll be more physically alone than ever. One single thought kept bouncing around in my head. "If something doesn't change, I'm not going to be able to handle that and I'll end up killing myself."  As soon as I thought it, I knew it to be the truth. There's a really good reason that I keep as busy as I do when I can. If I'm stagnant, bad things happen in my head.

So, what am I going to do? I don't 100% know yet. I'm going to restart my medication. I had to go off of it when I had the flu. Swallowing led to coughing fits that led to me throwing up. I'm better now so I can start them again. I'm going to keep posting here and being real with anyone who reads this. I'm going to take some time for me so I can figure out what's coming up with a clear head. I need a plan, a schedule, something to keep me on track. I'm going to look for safe places and safe people so when I need them, they're there.

I'm going to keep telling all of you that you're not alone and that if you need someone, I'm always checking comments and things like that. Why? Because none of us are truly alone.

Drowning...

It's been one hell of a week so far and it's a bit sad because I'm proud of the fact that I'm even at my table writing this post. Let me explain...

On Sunday, I decided to tackle one of the totes from my office/studio because it kept falling over. I had no idea that it weighed as much as I did and as I attempted to lift it, I twisted my left ankle and wrenched my right knee. Being physically forced to slow down is hard when I'm so determined to keep making progress on this house.

On Monday, I received a message from a friend that mentioned another friend with a sad face. He had no idea that I hadn't gotten the news yet that our mutual friend had died that morning. I knew it was coming but somehow hadn't quite prepared myself for it. That's where the slow spiral ...no...more like the floor went out from under me started.

Tuesday brought the news that my oldest is behind in his classes and that my furnace, for about the billionth year in a row, isn't functioning properly. The first I can do something about. The second involves me having to clean my entire downstairs before I can let the landlord know. That wouldn't be a huge issue for most but it is for me. I'm still digging out from my hoard. Now, there's the pressure to get it all done and done quickly before the true cold weather hits.

All of this has added up to me feeling lost. As each bit of something happens, I'm pushed a bit further down. I'm fighting it as much as I can but yesterday and most of today found me curled up on the couch sleeping. It doesn't help that I'm not sleeping well at night but it's only this unbearable weight that has me stuck there. Today, with half an hour left before I have to go into town, I made myself get up and come into my office. I skimmed Facebook, played a bit of a game, and now wrote this. In a few minutes, I'll put my shoes on and go take my youngest to his audition.

....and maybe tomorrow I'll get off the couch and work on my book. I need to do that. I need to finish it and get it out into the world. I can do it. I really believe that. I can't do it from the couch though so tomorrow, I'm challenging myself to just one chapter. It's a little thing but it's a starting point.

Speaking of starting points, I do want to mention that not only am I still taking the two medications but I've added my third in this week, as well. I'm sticking with taking them, even through all of this, and I'm proud of that.

....and now, it's time to go be mom and to get that kid to his audition. Fingers crossed that it goes well. He wants this so badly and has been working hard toward it.

Soooooo Tired...

I'm pretty sure that this could have been a picture of me earlier today if:
1. I were blonde.
2. I were that cute and tiny.
3. Someone was here to actually take a picture of me.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've taken 6 doses of the anti-depressant now and 5 of my allergy med and I am completely wiped out. All I want to do is nap, which, as you can imagine, is not exactly conducive to getting any amount of work done. Since I started taking it, I haven't been able to work on the book or get anything more done in my office. I've managed to do the "necessities" and be mom and that's about it.

It's incredibly frustrating and every day I hope that it will be the day when I have some amount of energy back. I cringe whenever Nick mentions working on the book because I feel guilty that I haven't this week. It's not due to a lack of desire, I assure you. It's simply because whenever I sit down, I want to sleep. I fell asleep earlier today, sitting at my desk, waiting for a file to download. I had to go sleep for 2 hours so that I could go into town, pick up Roger, do a bit of grocery shopping, drop him off, and come home. I only unloaded the perishable groceries so that I could get to my desk faster and finish off the site work for Geek-o-Rama. It's 6:40pm and I just want to go to bed. Blah!

Other than that, I think it's helping. The first day was really hard because my head was silent and it freaked me out. It's been a long time since I haven't had a dozen things going on in it at the same time. I also had a migraine for two days which wasn't much fun but that seems to have passed, thank goodness!

Really, other than the exhaustion, I seem to be doing okay. I'm trying to decide the best way to handle the tired. I can't keep taking naps every day and logic says that if I push through it, my body will be "forced" to adjust faster. I guess I'm just going to do my best. Tomorrow I'm home all day and set to work on the book until I have to head to the marching band competition. I think being at the desk all day and having to really focus on something will be the ultimate test in how things are.

Until then, I'm leaning towards working a bit on the book tonight. After that, dinner and curling up on the couch to watch some tv and maybe even a bit of reading before bed. My to do list, including my reading list, seems to have no end so there's always something I can be doing.

I hope all of you are doing well...

I Feel Crazy

Two posts in two days. I want to say that's a good thing but honestly, I don't know. This post will probably be unlike anything you've ever read here, but again, I don't know. You see, I'm rapid cycling right now and it's making me feel absolutely crazy. I'm sorry if this post sounds crazy. I just need to write it while it's there so I can remember why I'm starting back on medication tomorrow.

I came back from my trip and I was sad. Of course I was sad. There were things that I so badly wanted to do but there just wasn't the time to do them. There were so many good things that happened, but also emotion crashes that happened that honestly needed to happen. They taught me lessons that I needed to learn. Good lessons. Strong lessons. ...and I was sad because I missed him. I always miss him, hearing his voice, and all the good things, but it's always so much harder after I've spent time with him.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted, not just physically but mentally because ten hours is a lot of time to think. The thoughts weren't bad but there were oh so many of them. The combination left me rung out and when I woke up Saturday morning, depression was trying hard to take hold. I didn't want it to. I didn't want him to know just how much it hurt that he was too busy to say good morning or I love you or anything like that. This isn't shocking behavior or anything that he's done or is doing wrong. This is me. This is my brain. This is my brain on whatever chemical cocktail that it had come up with this time.

So, I asked myself what would he do...why he'd work of course. So, I put myself to work. I'm dealing with dehoarding my house so I went into my office/studio and started working. I cleared space. I built a bookshelf. I filled the bookshelf. I cleared other shelves. I purged. I dusted. I cleaned. I did it for at least eight hours straight without stopping. I didn't eat. I drank from time to time. I just worked. When I made myself stop, I nearly twitched sitting on the couch. I could see what needed to be doing but I wasn't doing it.

Sunday was more of the same. I spent another eight hours at least clearing off desks, emptying drawers, rearranging things, reorganizing things. I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. I had to. I needed to. When I stopped it was because someone had ordered me pizza and told me to put myself on the couch with it and some tv. It was one of the hardest things I've done in weeks.

My brain said you have to keep going but my body was screaming for me to stop. If given the choice, I'd have listened to my brain.

Yesterday, I was exhausted. I made myself get up. I read the news and I cried. I was immediately emotionally overwhelmed. There were no reserves. I took myself away from most of it as much as I could and did what needed to be done. By early afternoon, I was a disaster. I spent a lot of the time driving into town in tears because suddenly the smallest things, things I could easily take care of, had completely overwhelmed me. It was all too much. I talked with someone and they listened and let me talk through each of the issues and pointed out that I had already solved all of them and that it would be okay if I skipped everything else, got some dinner (again I hadn't eaten) and just went home.

I didn't though. I went and got dinner, went to a writer's meeting to see if I would like it, and then went and watched the last hour of marching band rehearsal. I needed to at least see one of my kids, to be reminded that I had done something right.

Today though...oh god...I'm manic again. I wanted to start back on the office. I wanted to rip totes apart, purging, and sorting, and organizing. I couldn't though. I had to work on the book. I gave Nick my word that it would be done by the end of the month and I'm so far behind. I just had to work on it. I told myself just one chapter, just get through one chapter and you can stop. Eight hours later, I finished one chapter. It took me all day because I couldn't focus. The harder I tried to focus, the worse it got. I started having physical stress manifestations...itching all over for no other reason than I was trying to force my brain to do what I wanted it to do. Even now, my head and arms itch and it takes so much for me not to scratch until I'm nearly bleeding.

I can't focus. I can't remember things. I just want to "do" and not anything else but that isn't life, is it? You can't just always "do".  I told Nick that I had finished what felt like the world's longest chapter and he told me to keep going, that it was the only way it was going to get done. I put my head in my hands and nearly cried. It seems impossible that I'll ever get this done. I know he's not doing anything more than trying to encourage me. I usually love when he tells me to get writing because I know that it's because he believes in me more than anyone else in the world. I know that all the pressure and the voices are all in my head when they scream that I can't do this, that if I don't do this he's going to hate me because I let him down. Nick is never going to hate me...but just writing those last seven words has my heart in my throat.

I don't know if any of this even makes sense or begins to describe what it's like to be manic. I don't know if it describes how your brain says keep going, keep going, even when your body is about to collapse due to exhaustion. I don't know if it begins to describe what it's like to try to hold normal conversations with people online, to problem solve, to handle things, all the while your brain is spinning out of control. If they were to be able to see my face, they'd probably see wide eyed terror. I'm trying so hard but I feel as if I'm spinning out of control. Sometimes I swear it's not the depression that will kill me but the mania...the moments where I feel every thing 100 fold and everything seems so huge. I panic. I can't breathe. It's why physical labor works. I'm away from everything and everyone and I can't think. I don't have to think. I just have to do....

....and this is why I go back on medication tomorrow. I don't want this to be me. I don't want to feel like I'm outside my own body looking in anymore. I don't want to force myself to stop, to breathe, to eat, to do things others do without thinking they're a big deal. I don't want this to be me.

Now, I have to go do another chapter because I cannot let him down...I promised...

Decisions...Decisions...

Well, it's been about a month and here we are again. How are you, my friends? I sometimes wonder who the people are who read these posts when I write them. I suspect some of you are folks that I know and some of you are strangers who have wandered across this little blog. Whoever you are, I'm glad you're here. I really and truly am.

I suppose that I ought to catch you up on the past month or so. As it always is when school starts, life gets crazy around here. It takes at least this long for schedules to start to balance out. Both of the boys are doing well for which I am grateful. There are still some communication issues with their father and stepmother but that will never change so I try to take it in stride and to not let it stress me out. It is what it is, so to speak.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I've had my ups and I've had my downs. That's life though, right? No matter how often we may wish for smooth sailing, life would get rather dull if there weren't the occasional dip or bump. Granted, dips and bumps aren't much of a big deal compared to mountains and valleys.

If you asked me right now how I'm doing, I'd say, "Oh, I'm okay." and for the most part that would be true. I wouldn't tell you how much I miss the man that I'm in love with or that his sudden dropping of possessives and terms of endearment is bothering me, even though I'm sure it's absolutely nothing. I wouldn't tell you about how I just offered something pretty big to one of my staff members just to be told that he's decided to launch his own site and how devastated I am by that. I'd just smile and say, "Oh, I'm okay."  I don't know why that is or if it really matters. It's just something that crossed my mind right now.

But, this post is entitled Decisions...Decisions... and I've not talked once about any decisions, have I? I guess I ought to do that or this whole post will seem a bit wonky.

Decision #1: Mental Medication - This one is a huge one and one I've discussed here before. With the start of school and knowing I had a trip coming up, I put off this decision. The gaps in my memory have made the decision for me. I just spent time with the man that I'm in love with and I can't clearly remember our conversations and that really isn't acceptable to me. As if that's not bad enough, I think something and 10 seconds later, I can't remember what I was just thinking. I'm going back on the medication and I pray to god that it's worth it.

Decision #2: Girly Medication - A couple of months ago, at my annual checkup, the nurse practitioner mentioned that I should consider an alternate form of birth control. It seems that long term studies have shown that using Depo Provera for over 2-3 years can cause bone loss. However, going off of it for a year can reverse that. I'm now at 2 years and 2 months. It's time to make this decision. As much as it sucks, I've decided to do 1, possibly 2 more shots and then switch over to the patch. Why does this suck? On the Depo, I don't have a period, just some spotting. On the patch, I had a full out period. Gross, but I'd rather that then brittle bones, I do suppose.

Decision #3: NaNoWriMo 2017 - As some of you may know, I participated in this last year and completed it. Even though there multiple near panic attacks, I took myself out to the "local" group's activities and write ins. Being away from my home office really helped me buckle down and focus. Things got done. However, I never really felt totally welcome within the group. In fact, my second (I think) time with them, I actually got pulled aside and lectured by the one group leader about being mean to someone else who was there. Let me make this clear, I wasn't being mean. The person in question was a stay at home mom whose kids were young. I made a statement that if my kids were little still, I think writing would be easier for me. Notice those last two words...for me. I was and am a stay at home mom for the most part. When my boys were little, I was so much more productive than I am now..partially because my mental health was better and partially because we were home and not running all over creation due to sports and band and everything else that they do. I think this woman getting hurt (as in literally crying to the group leader) caused the group leader to have an issue with me even though it was a misunderstanding. She never made me feel welcome after that. Luckily, the other group leader did and that combined with how much I was getting done led me to attending other events. Now, on the near eve of everything starting up again (first workshop is in 3 days), I'm stuck on trying to decide if I attend or don't attend. I have book 2 in the works and if I could convince Nick to give me one more month, this would be the perfect time for cleaning it up and really making sure it is what it should be. Argh..I just don't know. I wish that there were a group closer that I could try out to see if it would be a good fit.

I guess those are the big ones right now. I'm still working on balancing mom life, reclaiming my house, and writing the book, but I feel as if I'm making progress in those areas. I keep telling myself that baby steps are better than no steps at all and there was a point where I wasn't making even those.

I'm going to close out this post now..not because I'm done writing because I'm never done writing, but because it's time for me to head into town to see my kids, to run the gaming group, to attend a new local writer's group, and then a parent's meeting for those with kids graduating this year. Sometimes I think my life begins at 2pm.

Before I go though, I want to say thank you for those who come here and read. I know it seems such a little thing but when I see the number of you who do, it helps me to know that I'm not alone in this great bit world. I have my boys, I have my man, and I have all of you. Take care of yourselves...