Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Feeling Invisible

I had an entirely different post planned for this evening, but sometimes something comes up and I feel drawn to write about it. I don't know why but I hope it's the universe telling me that someone else needs to hear it or to know that they're not alone in it happening to them.

Lately, things have been crazy busy for me. There has been a whole lot of juggling happening and I've been pretty okay with how things were going...or so I thought. Tonight, something happened that had me physically stop mid-step in the middle of a store.

I was walking down the main back aisle after picking up yet another new charger cord for my phone when I saw the display that's posted here. It was full of cute boots and my first thought was, "Wow, those are really nice, but I'm not pretty enough or cool enough to wear something like that."  It wasn't that I'd probably not find something that fit on a clearance rack since cute shoes are tough to find with my wide feet, but that I was too ugly to wear awesome looking boots. Woah.

Then, I finished my shopping, went to the car, and ate a king size Reece's Cup before I'd even driven all the way across the parking lot. I self medicated with food. I self medicated for a problem that I didn't even realize I was having. Then, I took the 20 minute drive home (yep, I live 20 minutes at least from the closest grocery store) to explore why it was that I was feeling that way.

I realized just how tired and worn around the edges I really am. Absolutely I'm getting done what needs to get done. Bonus of being high-functioning, but when I don't have something that I *must* be doing, I'm having a tough time finding the motivation to keep going. Social media has become both a blessing and a curse. I long to reach out to people, but at least one of the people that I feel safe with has told me that they don't want me coming to them when I'm in a bad place because it's not good for them. Losing a safe place is incredibly hard.

On top of that, due to algorithms and various social media twerpishness, I feel invisible. I see other people doing the same things that I'm doing or have done and they're getting a ton of attention but I'm not. After a while, the intellectual side of me that says, "Hey, it's okay. Algorithm bullshit." gets shoved out of the way by the ugly brain stuff that says, "People love them but they don't care about you. Why do you even bother posting? Heck, why do you even bother writing stories and books? You've had almost no interaction on any posts about how you have a new book out tomorrow. Even your publisher isn't liking, commenting, or posting about it. You should just give up. Nobody cares about you or your life."

I realized that while I was proud of myself for the things that I had gotten done, I was silently beating myself up for what I hadn't. My house is a total disaster, like hoarder levels in some parts. I should be working on that, but I've been running around trying to do everything else and I can't seem to find the strength to push myself to tackle that giant project too. I'm part of a decluttering group and everyone is super supportive but I barely post to my thread there because I don't want them to know that I'm pretty much failing at the thing they've praised me for before. To add complication to that, I feel hurt that they're making a big fuss over another member...another member who totally deserves it...I guess seeing her progress and her strength (though she'd say she's no stronger than I am) reminds me more of what I'm not getting done. I feel as if I should be the wonder woman that people have claimed that I am. I've been tearing myself down and it's become so routine that I didn't even realize that I was doing it.

Somehow, while thinking about all of this, I got to thinking about how I have to be ready to move in just over a year and how I have no idea where I'll be. My kids will be off in college and living their own lives and I'll be more physically alone than ever. One single thought kept bouncing around in my head. "If something doesn't change, I'm not going to be able to handle that and I'll end up killing myself."  As soon as I thought it, I knew it to be the truth. There's a really good reason that I keep as busy as I do when I can. If I'm stagnant, bad things happen in my head.

So, what am I going to do? I don't 100% know yet. I'm going to restart my medication. I had to go off of it when I had the flu. Swallowing led to coughing fits that led to me throwing up. I'm better now so I can start them again. I'm going to keep posting here and being real with anyone who reads this. I'm going to take some time for me so I can figure out what's coming up with a clear head. I need a plan, a schedule, something to keep me on track. I'm going to look for safe places and safe people so when I need them, they're there.

I'm going to keep telling all of you that you're not alone and that if you need someone, I'm always checking comments and things like that. Why? Because none of us are truly alone.

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