Monday, January 27, 2014

One Week Later...

Writing is hard when you're going through a depression. Actually, it's not...writing publically is hard. I wonder how long until people tell me to stop whining and get over it. I wonder a lot of things, actually. I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone cares. I wonder why I feel the need to use the word actually a lot...

Then, I tell myself to take a deep breath and just write. After all, I'm not trying to lose weight for anyone other than myself. Sure, I hope that people notice, but that's normal. I don't know a single person who has struggled for something and then despises that people noticed. In the end though, I'm doing this for me because I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to have people look at me and go oooh, look at her. I'm just as pretty as anyone else on this planet, after all.

I feel as if I ought to apologize because I can tell that this post is going to be disjointed. I guess that I'm assuming that someone out there will read this. So, if you're that someone, I do apologize. Depressions are tough for me and right now, I'm smack in the middle of one. I described it this morning as being full of a lot of sad. I'm sad that someone I love doesn't seem to want our friendship right now. I'm sad that someone else I love has gone quiet on me, just when I got spoiled by our daily talks. I'm sad that today is my baby's thirteenth birthday and I'm not with him (though I will call him later). I'm sad that my house is still in shambles and the progress seems so slow (yes, I do know I can change that). I'm sad that I need sinus/tonsil removal surgery and I can't have it because there's nobody to take care of me. I'm just full of a heck of a lot of sad and it does affect the things that I do and try to do. I could use some extra support and encouragement, but there aren't many I can lean on right now because everyone is fighting their own battles at the moment.

I'm still here though and I'm still taking those tiny steps. I managed to stick to my goal of one bottle of water a day for the past week. On a few days, I even got in two. I'm noticing that the more I drink, the thirstier I become. I think that's my body catching up and going oooh, she's giving me something I need. I'm also dealing with more breakouts, etc as I'm guessing toxins are slowly being pushed out of my body. Yay? Why does nobody warn you of these things? They just tell you how much nicer your skin will be, etc. Warning, you may go through a period where your body freaks the hell out before you start seeing the good!

I'm proud of me for making sure that I met my goal for this past week. It was a small one, but an important one in this journey that I'm on. For this week, I'm going to increase that amount to two bottles. I know that's still below the daily recommended amount, but too much too fast equals me not doing it. Plus, this gives my body time to adjust to each change which I think is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, I even went so far as to consider some forms of exercise. Once the snow melts and it's not dangerous to be outside, I'm going to start walking again. It's something that I can do right here in the village and something that I actually kind of enjoy doing. On top of that, I actually got up the courage to step inside of a gym and get some information. Right next door to our new favorite game store is a Planet Fitness. After the boys had spent their birthday money, we went in and took a tour and got membership information. The price isn't bad and they do have a lot of options for things I could do. The only real downside is that it's about a thirty minute drive away, but then again, so is every other thing. I think I could get into the habit of going, it's more wondering if I could afford the gas money that it would take to go over two days a week. I also still have my top secret exercise idea and I'm trying to figure out if I have the money and the courage to do it starting this coming weekend. It's something I could only do every couple of weeks (when the boys aren't with me). I want to..but will my want overcome my fear? That's the real question...

Well, now that I've wrote and wrote and wrote (and trust me, I could keep writing), I guess it comes down to this...Did my drinking 24oz of water a day make any difference last week? I weighed in this morning (and will weigh in every Monday morning) to find out..I wasn't expecting much, but there was a change.  I'm down 1.6 pounds! It's a tiny number, but it's my number and it puts me that much closer to my first goal. In fact, I'm now less than 6 pounds away from that first goal. I don't know how long it will take to get there, but every ounce counts.

Starting Weight: ---------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -1.6
Total Weight Loss: -1.6
Daily Water Average: 24oz.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Starting Over - It's All Part of a New Me

Today is the start of a brand new journey...or another chapter in my ongoing journey. Really every day is a new page, every year a new chapter...

Today though, I start over. I've spent the past 9 months taking care of me in other ways. I got brave and I went to the doctor and told her to "give me the works." My pap and breast exam came back clean. My cholesterol was high so I was put on meds for it. She sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist who determined that I need sinus surgery and my tonsils out. I'll be calling tomorrow to schedule that because one way or another, even if I have to beg someone from Canada to take me and then put up with me for a few days, I will get it done. I'm tired of waiting. She asked me about breast reduction, which is something that I will most likely also be pursuing. The one thing that she didn't badger me about was my weight. Yes, it was commented on but there were more important my mental health ones. Since then, I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and Bipolar II disorder. I'm on a low level anti-depressant to help.

All of this allowed me to start regaining control in other areas of my life. Slowly, but surely, I have tackled rooms in my home and created functional spaces that we all appreciate. I'm not quite at the halfway point, but I'm still moving forward. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my who can shut off the voices that demand that there are a million things to be done and allow her to sit down and play video games or even make plans for the future with her children. My house is cleaner, my van is 2/3 of the way clean (the cold and snow got me before I could finish the center section) for the first time in years, my barn has even come a long way. I planted things this year and delighted in watching them grow and caring for them. I've watched my boys bloom in ways that as a mother delight me and scare me all at once (after all, they are both teenagers now). I've come a long way.

Now, it's time to take back control of my weight. I just spent a week with one of my closest friends on the planet. I've watched from a distance as he's dropped the weight. It wasn't so long ago (not even 2 years), that I stood in his house and listened to him go on about how amazing I looked because of the weight I had dropped and how wonderful we were both doing. I didn't hear that this time. I heard how amazing his weight loss journey was and is...and trust me, I don't resent that even one tiny really is amazing how he's done and I am so, so proud of him. However, I didn't hear him tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful or look great. Even when I wore special things for him, he didn't even notice.

I should clarify that the reality is that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with my weight but it hit home with me. Just like it hit home to hear it stated that there were doubts that I could climb stairs or even walk any amount of distance. I'm so isolated from the world here that I had forgotten what it felt like to have assumptions made about me due to my weight. It hurt. It wasn't meant to. It was a comparison in his journey from where he was to where he is..and a warning to me that it might be difficult. Still, it was a harsh reminder of how far things have come with me...

and the truth is...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being seen as less than I am because of what I weigh. I'm sick of not being seen as sexy, but only as intellectual. I'm proud of my brain, but damn it, a compliment now and then or being told I'm sexy certainly wouldn't hurt. I'm sick of my own excuses. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of it all...and more than a little angry. I'm angry at myself and in this journey, I've found that when I get angry, I make changes. There's nothing wrong with a good healthy anger so long as it's pointed in the right direction.

So tonight, I let it point me in the direction of the scale. No matter what number it said, I wasn't and I'm not beating myself up over it. It's a number. It's a starting point and it will change. The next time Rob sees me, he's going to see less of me. He's going to see less of me and maybe he won't notice, but I'll know and at the end of the day, it's my health and my life...

It's time to make some changes and tonight, I start with the first round. In no particular order, the following are happening:

  • I'll be weighing in each Monday morning to track my progress.
  • The last of the soda has been drank (the boys and I had the last of it for root beer floats earlier today) and I won't be buying any more.
  • Each morning I'll be filling my water bottle and each week, increasing the amount that I drink each day...starting with just one bottle and building my way up.
  • I've moved my medication to my bedside table so I have no excuse not to take it if I forget before coming up for the night. 
  • I'll be reaching out to friends who have lost quite a bit of weight for advice and recipes.
  • Starting next week, I'll be meal planning again to help get my eating habits back under control.
  • I have an idea for some exercise but it's still in the planning stages and I'm not quite ready to reveal what it is.
Not huge steps, but ones that keep me on the right path and that get me going again. I don't expect to drop 150 pounds overnight, but I do expect to drop it. I can do this. If there are those along the road who will help support me and encourage me, it would mean the world, but even if I'm in this alone, I know I can still do this.

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