Monday, January 27, 2014

One Week Later...

Writing is hard when you're going through a depression. Actually, it's not...writing publically is hard. I wonder how long until people tell me to stop whining and get over it. I wonder a lot of things, actually. I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone cares. I wonder why I feel the need to use the word actually a lot...

Then, I tell myself to take a deep breath and just write. After all, I'm not trying to lose weight for anyone other than myself. Sure, I hope that people notice, but that's normal. I don't know a single person who has struggled for something and then despises that people noticed. In the end though, I'm doing this for me because I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to have people look at me and go oooh, look at her. I'm just as pretty as anyone else on this planet, after all.

I feel as if I ought to apologize because I can tell that this post is going to be disjointed. I guess that I'm assuming that someone out there will read this. So, if you're that someone, I do apologize. Depressions are tough for me and right now, I'm smack in the middle of one. I described it this morning as being full of a lot of sad. I'm sad that someone I love doesn't seem to want our friendship right now. I'm sad that someone else I love has gone quiet on me, just when I got spoiled by our daily talks. I'm sad that today is my baby's thirteenth birthday and I'm not with him (though I will call him later). I'm sad that my house is still in shambles and the progress seems so slow (yes, I do know I can change that). I'm sad that I need sinus/tonsil removal surgery and I can't have it because there's nobody to take care of me. I'm just full of a heck of a lot of sad and it does affect the things that I do and try to do. I could use some extra support and encouragement, but there aren't many I can lean on right now because everyone is fighting their own battles at the moment.

I'm still here though and I'm still taking those tiny steps. I managed to stick to my goal of one bottle of water a day for the past week. On a few days, I even got in two. I'm noticing that the more I drink, the thirstier I become. I think that's my body catching up and going oooh, she's giving me something I need. I'm also dealing with more breakouts, etc as I'm guessing toxins are slowly being pushed out of my body. Yay? Why does nobody warn you of these things? They just tell you how much nicer your skin will be, etc. Warning, you may go through a period where your body freaks the hell out before you start seeing the good!

I'm proud of me for making sure that I met my goal for this past week. It was a small one, but an important one in this journey that I'm on. For this week, I'm going to increase that amount to two bottles. I know that's still below the daily recommended amount, but too much too fast equals me not doing it. Plus, this gives my body time to adjust to each change which I think is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, I even went so far as to consider some forms of exercise. Once the snow melts and it's not dangerous to be outside, I'm going to start walking again. It's something that I can do right here in the village and something that I actually kind of enjoy doing. On top of that, I actually got up the courage to step inside of a gym and get some information. Right next door to our new favorite game store is a Planet Fitness. After the boys had spent their birthday money, we went in and took a tour and got membership information. The price isn't bad and they do have a lot of options for things I could do. The only real downside is that it's about a thirty minute drive away, but then again, so is every other thing. I think I could get into the habit of going, it's more wondering if I could afford the gas money that it would take to go over two days a week. I also still have my top secret exercise idea and I'm trying to figure out if I have the money and the courage to do it starting this coming weekend. It's something I could only do every couple of weeks (when the boys aren't with me). I want to..but will my want overcome my fear? That's the real question...

Well, now that I've wrote and wrote and wrote (and trust me, I could keep writing), I guess it comes down to this...Did my drinking 24oz of water a day make any difference last week? I weighed in this morning (and will weigh in every Monday morning) to find out..I wasn't expecting much, but there was a change.  I'm down 1.6 pounds! It's a tiny number, but it's my number and it puts me that much closer to my first goal. In fact, I'm now less than 6 pounds away from that first goal. I don't know how long it will take to get there, but every ounce counts.

Starting Weight: ---------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -1.6
Total Weight Loss: -1.6
Daily Water Average: 24oz.



I am incredibly proud of you. You're taking steps to take care of yourself and I know it's going to get easier as it becomes a habit. Keep it up and I'll keep reminding you that you're worth it and that you're a great person.


My love, baby steps are the best steps! Starting small is the perfect way to start. Maybe next week, up your goal to 2 bottles. You are right about being more thirsty, I get the same way. AND JOIN THE GYM!!!! I promise you it will always be worth it. I have finally figured out that no one looks at me. I walk in to my gym, and no one cares. They are too busy doing their own workout. They don't care that I am only lifting 20 lbs or that I am breathing hard after 10 minutes on the stationary bike. They don't care that my yoga poses aren't as deep as theirs. It's hard the first couple of times, I KNOW, but you won't regret it. Ever. AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!



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