Weekly Update: February nearly killed me

 

So, let's do a rundown of the month...

Diabetes

Cancer Scare

Father's Death

Frozen Pipes

Burst Pipes

Cat Got Out*

"The man" barely speaking to me

Possibly losing my friendship with Eric**

I know there's more, but that's off the top of my head. The cat was the final straw that broke me and the Eric thing is the one I worry the most over. Today is March 1st and I'm trying to pull it back together to get things done that need to be done, but it's hard. Luckily, Ben "the slavedriver" is here and he keeps me on track. Today's list includes:

Call the plumber

Clean the bathroom

Take down the Christmas tree so the desk is useable

Clean out the laundry room closet

Go to the post office

Help him with his paper

Help him fill out some paperwork

Again, that's off the top of my head. All I can do though is take it one thing at a time. I called the plumber and they'll either be here today between noon and four or not until Thursday. I really want it to be today. I'm hoping that as long as they're here, I can ask about the water heater and maybe get that fixed too. Hot showers at home would be wonderful. 

For now though...I have to go take down that tree.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Overwhelmed

 I've spent far too many nights either crying myself to sleep or laying there with my mind running as fast as it can. I think everything just caught up with me. It's not that anything new has happened. It's more that I'm struggling with the changes that are happening. I'm struggling with no more than 4 carb "servings" per meal. It feels overwhelming to check everything that goes into my mouth. Today I went to the store and bought 4 donuts and ate 2 of them. I knew damn well that I shouldn't, but I wanted comfort food. I don't know if I'll eat the other two of them or I'll throw them out. I just know that I did what I did and I can't change it after I did it. 

Next week I start my diabetes education classes and while I want to be excited and ready to take on this challenge, I just don't. It feels like impossible work. I know logically that it isn't. People deal with this every day and they even defeat this. I could if I could get my head on straight, instead of bobbling all over the place. 

I'm taking 5 different medications right now. Three of them are for the diabetes. At least I can say that I'm taking those when I'm supposed to. It may be the only thing that I'm doing right at the moment. Even my two "anti-crazy" pills aren't keeping my brain on track. Oh, I'm sure that it would be worse without them, but I just can't seem to pull it together.

I have moments where I feel like everything is okay and that I can keep going. Then, I remember the diabetes and the potential for cancer. Granted, I know that the cancer is a small, tiny percent of possibility, but it isn't zero and won't be until after the biopsy results come in. Hopefully. I don't know what I'll do if that's truly added on. I suppose just keep going the best that I can. 

I've had the worst nightmares. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and I can't get to those I love before I die. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and we have to do surgery and after that, I'm rejected by my lovers. I know it's all based in fear and not reality, but I can't control where my brain goes when I sleep. Heck, I can barely control where it goes when I'm awake. Next week, this part should have answers at least and I can hopefully move past it and only have the one major medical issue to deal with. 

I stepped away from social media because seeing the posts about getting the vaccine or seeing others was just making it worse for me. It's been a year since I had a really good, long hug. Over a year, really. It's been nearly 18 months since I saw "the man" and even longer than that since I last saw Rob. I don't know when I'll see either of them. I'd drive the five hours to see Rob if I could just have a hug. Even if it meant, turning around and driving back the same day. I miss physical contact beyond belief and that's weighing on me too. I don't have anyone to physically turn to with all this happening. Never take for granted having that. 

I know that it seems counter intuitive to pull back from people just when I need them the most, but unfortunately, finding that I only have them for a few minutes online is hurting in some ways more than it's helping. There are a few that I will talk to if they reach out...Nick, Justin, Rob, Eric...but other than that, unless it's about work, I probably won't respond. I didn't just disappear though. I did a post saying that I was stepping away. Part of me hopes that this break will allow me to tackle some other things, but right now, it's more making lists and curling up on the couch and watching SVU marathons. I guess I need to learn how to be gentle with me and not expect me to be Wonder Woman every single day.

I love you all...please take care of you and each other.

Love,

Weekly Update: Squished and Squashed

 What a week, eh? I'm not even sure where to start. I guess back on Tuesday....

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and as much as I wanted to skip it, I went anyway. I'm not sure that my doctor is thrilled with my progress, but it is what it is. I lost 8 pounds and while it's not as much as I wanted, I'm happy with it. Of course, my eating went to hell for the rest of the week but I've gone grocery shopping and I can get back on track with that. She gave me another new medication to add in and I've noticed that something like 7-8 hours after taking it, I have horrible stomach acid issues. Hopefully that doesn't last. 

On Wednesday, I went with Roger to go look at apartments for next year. I'm not ready for him to permanently out of the house. The apartments were nice though and he and his roommate chose one and let the owner know that they're interested. I believe on Thursday he and his dad met with the owner and got the ball rolling on that. It caused me some severe anxiety because it feels as if he no longer needs me and I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that I raised him to be independent. 

On Friday, I went into town and picked up all of the medication that I'm now taking as well as some groceries. Nothing exciting, although I did get to spend time with Ben which I always love. I also bought Roger some pots and pans for the new apartment. Oh...and I finally gave Dylan his Christmas present. I haven't heard, but I hope he liked it. 

The weekend was quiet. I discovered Saturday that out of nowhere I'd started a heavy period. Of course, it disappeared on Sunday and reappeared today. I'm not sure my body really knows what's going on. I hope once I'm adjusted to all the medication, etc, things will balance out and no more bodily shenanigans will happen.

Today I went and had my annual mammogram done. It doesn't usually bother me, but today it felt like more squishing and squashing than in the past. My body is wonky so maybe things are just more sensitive. I'll probably get the results from that tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm not expecting anything out of the ordinary but it'll be good to get the official all clear for this year.

As for right now, I know this post is kinda...crummy...but I'm not feeling good due to the girl stuff happening, so I'm going to curl up with my blanket and watch some tv. Tomorrow I have a comic to proofread and I might work on my end of the year financial update as well as starting the new spreadsheet for 2021. Oh...and bringing in the new heated blanket that I bought at the store today...

Take care of yourselves and each other!

313.2

Weekly Update: Stressed

 I'm not going to lie. I'm stressed and not feeling well. Tomorrow I have to go back to see my doctor to discuss all things diabetes and me. I've been trying to eat better and keep track of my carbs. I've failed in there a few times, but overall, I think I've done well. I'm concerned that somehow I'll have gained weight instead of lost it. I'm worried she's going to make me start testing my blood at home. I've never been one that's good with huge changes and all of this feels really huge. She's not having me do a blood test before I come in so I don't know how she'll know if the medication is working well or if any changes that I've made have helped. 

Part of me is 100% freaked out again and part of me is trying to tell myself that knowledge is power and that the more I know, the faster I can work on fixing this. Right now, the first part is winning. When I went to see the dietician, they gave me a packet of papers to read through. I flat out told myself at that point that I would put that back until after the 1st because I knew the basics and really needed to focus on those and on the holidays with my kids. Well, guess what...today I have to read through that packet. It's just a bunch of papers so I don't know why I'm so scared. Sometimes anxiety makes zero sense. 

I do think that the medication has helped though. When I sleep, I'm really sleeping now, not just drifting in and out. Of course, I'm also sleeping 10-14 hours at a time. Starting next Monday, I'm going to start setting an alarm to get me up earlier. One step at a time, right? I also find myself more clear headed and able to get things accomplished. I'm not on the couch all day fighting exhaustion. This is good. 

Still, I worry. It's hard not to get lost in that anxiety. I find myself having to tell myself that I have to do something, like take the trash to the curb. It's an effort because my brain is so focused on what might happen. Things are getting done though. Each night I've been writing a to do list for the following day and things are getting marked off on it which is good. I've been keeping spaces clean (the living room needs a bit of work) and progressing the kitchen. I've been doing laundry slowly...mostly because I have to wait for each load that's hanging to dry before I can do another one, but it's getting done. Clean clothes are nice. 

I'm finding that I can enjoy my evenings curled up on the couch watching tv because things have gotten done during the day. I'm not staring around, beating myself up, because I did nothing that day. It's nice. Today I'll be reminding myself that tomorrow is about kicking this to the curb and whatever happens, I'll deal with it once it happens. Worrying about it beforehand gets me nowhere. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me and take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Blurgh...

 I'm late today getting this written. I  made a big mistake last night. I was wide awake, so I stayed up until something like 2:30am watching Death in Paradise because the newest season has finally hit brit box. Then, since it was so late, I decided to sleep on the couch. Big mistake. This couch isn't as deep as my other one was I just couldn't get as comfortable as I needed to get. I slept in 2-3 hour stretches and then Ben started calling around 8:30am. 

Oddly enough, I've only been a bit tired today which is good. What's bad and led to blurgh being the title is that my stomach is reacting to my medication today. I've not had one day where it hasn't but it's mostly been a bit of heartburn or a wave of nausea. I haven't had the rush to the bathroom stuff for a few days...until today. Blurgh. 

I even had the chance to be "bad" and pick up some pizza for dinner but it was so bad that the idea of food made me cringe. Now, I'm home, in comfy clothes, writing this post, and have no idea what I'll do for dinner. I have a few options, none of which sound good at all.

Other than that, I'm doing okay so far as I know. I don't have any medical stuff until next week so that's good. I do have a few files to "pretty up" for Anthony which will put a bit more money in the account which is also good. Ben "graduated" from OT today so I don't know when I'll be going into town, which is good and bad. I won't be seeing Ben until I don't know when. I'll have to make special trips for groceries, but I'll be home to hopefully get everything cleaned up for Christmas. 

That's my big goal. I want to have the downstairs (minus my studio and the laundry room) done for Christmas. I'm not sure what day we're doing it yet, but I don't want the kids to come in and want to leave immediately because it's so gross. 

That reminds me. I have three packages at the post office that I have to pick up tomorrow. I have no idea what they are. They could be comics from Kickstarter or Christmas gifts that I've ordered. I'll go pick them up tomorrow and then, depending on how far along the house is, I'll get things wrapped this weekend. I also have to write my Christmas cards. House first though. That's number one. Besides, I prefer to sit and wrap everything all at once and I need to wrap up my shopping. I know what I'm getting. I just have to get the funds and then order it. Easy peasy, right? 

For now though, I'm going to put the few groceries away that I bought during a spell when I don't feel like I'm going to heave. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

Weekly Update: A Day Early

 I hope nobody minds, but I'm writing this on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. My week feels topsy-turvy and I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done. So, instead of taking my usual down time tonight, I'm knocking a few of the easier to move around things out. 

The biggest things on my mind are a couch and a doctor's appointment. The couch currently belongs to my ex-husband and his wife. They're upgrading their furniture and I've been offered the couch. As I remember, it's not the most comfortable of pieces of furniture (which is why it's been in the basement tv area and not upstairs) but it also isn't falling apart. I guess mine isn't technically falling apart. It's just that the fabric over the springs has torn so the cushion gets shoved down between the springs. Still, a free couch to replace one that I'm constantly having to "fix" isn't a bad deal, right? The problem is that a) I love how comfy my current couch is and b) the living room isn't in "replacing a couch" condition. So, that adds more work to my first half of the week. That stresses me out because I know I won't have it done when the kids come with the couch. Why? I have to projects to get through this week.

Second thing? Yep. That doctor's appointment. Normally I don't fuss over them, but I looked over my blood test results and my glucose is really high. High enough that it could explain the constant fatigue. Crap. I'm still going to ask about a lung capacity test but clearly this is a big sign that I need to get my shit in order. I've been terrible this summer/fall with eating out/ordering in and having entire meals that are nothing more than milk and cookies. Covid depression craves comfort foods and comfort foods are so unhealthy for me. 

Now we just got news that we're going into a 3 week mini-lockdown here. I'm sure if I look at social media, people are already complaining. I'm already over it even though it barely affects me. It means no sit down going out for dinner. Well, maybe that's not such a horrible thing for me. I have no idea how to fix my diet, but I'm going to start with the obvious...no more buying chips, cookies, and muffins. I can't afford to not eat what's here, but at least I won't be bringing more in. I'll cut back on the sugary cereal as well. There are healthier options, I've just been ignoring them.

So, stress...blah...In other news, I finished writing and formatting Apo's Army last week. That's good. I have three stories written for Back to the Toy Store - also good. I haven't written anything in at least four days - not so great. I'm like 10,000 words behind for NaNo. This may be the first year in about five years that I lose. I just don't have the stamina mentally to deal with the stress and to come up with brilliant stories. I've put write 3-5 stories in my to do list for this week, but we'll see what happens. First priority needs to really be getting the living room ready for the couch. I'm so over the clutter in here. I'm starting to consider getting rid of an entire collection of books that I have on a shelf behind the front door. So many new to me books come in that I rarely go back to the older ones that I have. On top of that, I couldn't tell you one that I really long to read again. Clearing off that shelf would allow for me to possibly empty out a box or two of books just taking up space in my living room. I don't know though. I do know that I'm going to have the boys haul the not yet built bookcase out to the street on Wednesday. One of the cats scratched the hell out of the box and ruined the backboard on the book. These are super cheap shelves and I can afford to replace them when I'm ready for them. Until then, it's just more clutter that I'm tired of looking at. 

Baby steps, right? If I can keep getting rid of things, it will clear out in here. I wish Ben could come back out. He's such a huge help and motivator when he's here. If I didn't think someone would bitch, I'd ask the boys to take some stuff back with them to drop at Goodwill for me. I can hear a certain one of them complaining though. Ahhh well...I'll figure it all out somehow. 

And that's what's stressing me out. I can either do this or it will trample me but I'll survive, so either way...it's going to be what it's going to be.

Weekly Update: Sleepy Monday

Whew! I am one sleepy person today. Ben and I have stayed up later than usual the past couple of days which hasn't helped my usual level of tired. I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks where I want to talk to her about why I'm so tired all of the time and sometimes short of breath. I just hope it's not something like diabetes (for the exhaustion) because a diet change is near impossible right now.

Mentally I'm doing okay. I'm getting things done. In fact, my next book is one story from being done and that story is already in progress. I've sent the art ideas off to Eric. The current plan is to launch it via Kickstarter in February. That seems so far away, but I just can't imagine the holidays being a good time to release it. 

The bonus? Because I include a preview section for the next book in the back of each book, when this is done, I'll have three stories already done for Return to the Toy Store. I'm not sure when I'll be releasing that one. I may actually finish writing it by the end of the month. Of course, then it will go to Eric for all of the art work. Depending on how the first book does on Kickstarter, I may or may not do the next Tales that way. Honestly, I'm a little nervous about doing it that way. If it fails, then that's a big embarrassment for me. Still, if it goes well, it allows me to pay Eric what he deserves. So, I'm going to give it a shot. 

Other than that, things are quiet. I have a project to get through this week. It's one of the rare occasions that I took one on for free. I don't expect that I'll do it again anytime soon. They always tend to end up being more work than the ones that I get paid for. I don't know why that is, but it's how it's been. Of course, they brought on another proofreader as well as me and she's turned it back in already. I didn't work on the weekend because that's my policy. I suppose it could make me look bad to the project runner, but I'm honestly not going to worry about it. 

That's really my goal right now...don't worry about it. Just take things day by day and try to get things done. So, here's to another week of getting things done!

Weekly Update: Blech

 I spent a good portion of the weekend either napping or laying on the couch watching movies. I don't regret either, but I wish I weren't so exhausted. There's no solid reason for it other than I must be getting sick. Blech. I actually went to bed at 9:30 last night because I felt nauseous and was getting a headache. I'm happy to report that I don't feel like I'm going to throw up anymore, but I can feel the headache lurking. I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to get my work done and then end up laying down. Did I say blech yet? Cuz blech.

There's not much else to report. This is week 7 without "the man."  I'm continuing on with life. I'll hear from him eventually and he might be surprised when I demand answers instead of just letting him get away with it. 

Oooh...NaNo started yesterday. I wrote another story for Apo's Army which is exciting. I only have eight or nine stories left on my list for that book, but I suspect I'll have to add more before I'm done. These stories seem shorter than what I wrote for Tales. That means more stories will be needed to hit my 100 pages that the book needs to be. 

For now though, I think I'm going to take a look at my weekly calendar and make some quick plans before I lay down. I know I have to vote tomorrow. I think my depo shot is due. I need to take Ben to OT on Friday and get the cats their flea meds. I have a project due in the next day or two. That's off the top of my head. 

Hopefully next week I'll have a better update for everyone. For now though...my body wins.

Weekly Update: Monday again?

 Holy crow. These Mondays seem to be coming faster and faster. Today is a bit of a mixed bag because Ben has been here since Friday night and I love having that time with him. We worked on the house (he's a fantastic helper and supporter), watched a lot of football, watched a couple of Halloween specials, talked, and hung out. Today I take him to his OT appointment and then back to his dad's. Not my favorite thing, but he has work tomorrow. I'm just feeling lucky that he chose to spend his days off with his mom. 

Other than that, it was a fairly typical kind of week. I wrapped up not only a novel, but three comic projects which was awesome. I was also hired to proofread a trade paperback which is doubly awesome. I should get that done this week. I don't have anything lined up for after that which is a bit nerve wracking, but I'll survive. I do have two clients with outstanding balances so that will help on the financial side.

The house is slowly coming along. The living room is probably as good as it's going to be. The biggest problem is just having too much stuff. I'm going to have to do a major book purge and I'm not looking forward to that. I love my books. Still, there just isn't enough room in this house for all of the ones that I have. At some point I'm going to have to suck it up. I'm going to start with taking all of the books that I've already purged that are stacked upstairs on the landing.

I did a light cleaning in the bathroom. I still need to do a deeper cleaning, but that won't take too long. The biggest challenge is the kittens getting their toes all wet and dancing all over everything, leaving kitten prints. They love to see everything that's going on that's even slightly new. 

So, the biggest thing left is the kitchen. It's a bit "scary" with the floor, but like the books, it has to get done. The trash can is overflowing, so the kitchen will probably wait until the weekend. I can tackle the bathroom though. Easy peasy, right? Right. I mean, it's already mostly done. What's left is mostly just quick wipe downs of surfaces and scrubbing the bathtub. Then, sweeping and mopping the floor again. 

Other than that, life is same old, same old. I got back on track with getting to bed on time. I need to restart the alarm for getting up in the morning. I've stuck with taking my medicine, even on days when I'm tempted to just skip it. My mood seems stable, even with "the man" now on week six of not talking to me. He's now stopped posting to social media so I'm concerned, but not letting it slow me down. Rob and I talked over the weekend which was really nice. So, life is just ticking along. 

I want to thank you guys for reading this. If things keep going okay, I might come up with some topics to write about again. For now though, I'm signing off and getting some work done while the kid is in class.

Love you all! Take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Backsliding

 I'm getting a late start today because I've spent the past few nights up far too late. That means I sleep in way too late and a cycle begins. Starting tonight I've got to buckle down and get myself to bed on time and start turning on that alarm that I said I was going to. I guess I did a bit of backsliding, but it's nothing that can't be readjusted. 

Other than that, things are okay. I got my car fixed so that's one less worry. I even got a load of laundry done for the first time in months. I'm going to try to get another load done today. It will probably have to wait until I get back from taking Ben to OT, but it can be done. Baby steps are still steps, after all. 

The kittens both go in to be fixed on Wednesday so I have to remember no food for them after midnight tomorrow. They're not going to like it, but I'll have to keep them in the bathroom overnight. Of course, that means one night of Mina not sticking her face in mine until I wake up to her cold nose. Of course, it also means getting up early to get them into the vet on time. I guess it balances out.

In other news, I managed to write another story for the book. It feels different from the other stories though so I hope it fits in. I also managed to write two comic reviews and a Kickstarter of the Week for Geek-o-Rama so that felt really good. I hadn't written a review in forever. I'm going to try to do one more this week. I have stacks off comics sitting here that I can write about. 

Let's see...still nothing from "the man." I think this is week 5 now. I saw a picture of him yesterday and he looks tired, like life is dragging him down. I'm not spending much time focused on him though. I have my own life that needs living. Things with Rob are okay. We've settled into a pattern of him texting me every few days and sometimes me texting somewhere in between. He's back to his life now though so he doesn't always respond. I'm sure he reads it, thinks he'll respond when he gets a minute, then forgets. I dunno. It is what it is. 

Wow, I really don't know what to write about today. Usually the words flow, but not this afternoon. My brain just keeps telling me I should go back to sleep. That's not going to happen though. I have just two hours until I have to change clothes and head out. Sorry, body. 

What I am going to do though is get some work done. I feel miles behind on this book for a client and I have some comic projects lined up for after that so I need to get moving on this. Have an amazing week, everyone.

Love you!

Weekly Update: Safe Spaces

 Before I get into the topic at hand this week, I want to just sum up this week's ...well, week. I'd have to say that it was good. It started with Ben here which I really enjoyed. I tackled a good portion of the living room which has helped my mood. Of course, the cats have knocked a few things over so I have to redo a bit of it. I'm still not sleeping great, but there's not much that can be done about that. I do need to remember to take some water upstairs tonight because my bottle is empty.

I also finally got to start work on the book for my client in. As of this writing, I'm only 82 pages in out of 250, but I'm making progress and if the week goes mostly like planned, I should finish it at the week's end. Then, I can pay my yard guy who yet again cannot grasp the concept of twice a month mowing and did every two weeks instead which put me $100 behind with him. I'm thinking of asking him to only mow one more time and that's it for the season. We haven't been getting rain, so the grass isn't really growing. 

I did take my car in to be looked at and luckily, the problem is under warranty so the only thing I have to pay for is two new tires. That will be done on Thursday so one more worry off my plate.  

Medicine has been going well. I think I'm two weeks in now and no more horrible side effects and I feel...calmer. I've also been doing well with my in bed and laying down by midnight bedtime. I think I'm going to start setting an alarm for getting up in the morning. It will be pretty late in the morning but I'll slowly move it up until it's a "normal time" for people to be up and moving. I still intend to talk to my doctor next month about how tired I always seem to be.

...and I don't have a beautiful segue into the topic that's been on my mind for the past day or so. I think I've been thinking about it because I've been thinking so much about Rob and "the man" and what they give to me. One thing has always been a safe space. I know that must seem odd because "the man" has been rather...off...lately. But when we're physically together, everything seems right and I feel safe.

I used to have quite a few safe spaces, but over the years, they've one by one disappeared. A number of years ago, I was in a relationship that ended rather abruptly. The next day, I got into my van and drove to Vermont, mostly because Rob wasn't available. If I had to guess, I'd say his girlfriend at the time made sure to let him know I wasn't welcome to visit. Sad really because I adored her and thought of her as family. Anyway, I ended up in Vermont and hid there for a couple of days. That location disappeared when Dave got married to a Canadian friend who didn't want to go back to Canada. I was never introduced and strangers don't equal safe to me. 

Rob has always been a safe space for me, no matter where he's lived. I've always known that he watches out for me and that I can just be me when I'm around him. I don't have to be "on." It's a really nice feeling. I miss not being able to get to that because of the border. I don't really need a safe space right now, but I feel as if maybe he does. I hope he considers me a safe space as well.

As for "the man," I'm not a safe space for him. It's been a month since I last heard from him and whenever this happens, it means something has shaken up his world. He doesn't confide in me...unless we're physically together...which only happens months after whatever happened happened. It sucks. It's not ideal for either of us. I miss him. 

I miss quite a bit  right now though. Covid has taken that ability to be those places. I keep hoping that we can get our acts together and somehow I can hug and kiss those I love again. I have a great desire to just curl up and talk or watch a movie or any of those intimate little things that make life so much better. I'm sure a lot of people do. 

Until we can though...Please take care of yourselves and each other...

PS I'm sorry about the lack of paragraphs still. I've reported it as a problem multiple times now.

Weekly Update: 95% Back to Normal

 Whew. What a difference a week makes. Last week was so hard but I'm thankful to report that I've weathered the storm of getting back on my medication and I'm feeling so much better. Now, to remind myself how miserable that week was when I start thinking about going off the meds again. I don't know why I do that. I'm so good about them for ages then I just stop one night. At least this last time I had pneumonia as a reason, but still...

Anyway, that's over, thank goodness. I don't have very much else to report since I spent the entire week pretty much on the couch. I did go into town with Ben and had lunch on Wednesday. That was nice except for the fact that food just didn't appeal to me. I'm still finding that to be a bit of a problem. I know I need to eat but once the food is in front of me, I'm kind of meh about it. It's frustrating because I don't want to waste food so I either force myself to eat it or I put it in the fridge and hope it sounds better later. 

Since there's not much to say about last week, I guess I'll jot down my goals for this coming week:

1. Finish cleaning the bathroom

2. Work on the living room

3. Help Ben with homework

4. Log new client's book

5. Start new client's book

6. Continue in bed by midnight

7. Set up appointment to get the kittens spayed/neutered

Not a complicated list but one that I think is achievable which is important after last week where I got essentially nothing accomplished. Some of it I can knock out today which will help set me up with time to work on the book. That's going to be a big one. It's the writer's first novel which is always special and just a little bit scary. For now though, I'm going to put a call into our vet and get these babies scheduled to be fixed. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

Medication Journal

 Day 1 (9/28): Took medication (2 mg Aripiprazole, 40 mg Citalopram) at 10pm the night before. Went to bed at 11pm.  Didn't sleep well. Tossed and turned, unable to stay asleep. Sometime in early hours of morning realized I'd developed a headache and sinus pain. Got up around 8am, took migraine medication and allergy medication. Then slept until 11am. Things feel a bit slow motion. Still going to try to push through with plans for today though client work may be extremely difficult. Headache seems to be trying to return (12:12pm). 

Day 2 (9/29): Took medication at 9:57 pm. Went to bed at 11pm. Slept better, but was woken up at 3:45 am by kittens who wanted to play. Went back to sleep but woke up at 5:30. Came downstairs, used the bathroom, and laid down on the couch. Fell back to sleep around 6:30 am. Woke up briefly at 9:30 am and then at 11. Went to the post office. Head feels funny and I'm nauseous. I wanted to get the shopping done today, but I don't think it's in the cards. I'm going to try to push through and do email and go from there.

Day 3: (9/30): Had a major headache yesterday afternoon/evening. Ended up having to take medicine for it. Took medication at 11 pm (damn debate) and bed around 12:45 am. Woke up 3-4 times during the night, but didn't check the times. Woke up at 7:30 and then at 7:50 when the kittens started playing on top of me. Feel groggy and already have a headache/nausea coming on. 

Day 4: (10/1): Took medication at 10pm and was in bed by 11pm. Too tired to read. Still headachey during the day and appetite is toast. I get hungry but when food is put in front of me, I don't really want it. Bonus? I have nearly an entire bowl of pasta in the fridge from where I didn't eat it when Ben and I went out for lunch yesterday. Didn't sleep well, but I think that was due to the pair of void monsters who didn't want to sleep. I think I woke up at least 4 times due to being attacked or wrestled on. Didn't end up getting up until nearly 10:30am and I'm exhausted with a headache. Probably going to take today to do the minimum and that's about it. 

Day 5: (10/2): Took medication at 10pm and laid down on the couch, falling asleep just after midnight. Huge mistake. I didn't sleep well at all and woke up once an hour or so but was too tired to drag myself upstairs. Slight headache and intermittent nausea today. Mostly just super tired. Fingers crossed that either this weekend or tomorrow I'll be back on track. 

Day 6: (10/3): Took medication at 10pm and went to bed around midnight. Slept under my weighted blanket for the first time. Other than it being hard to roll over under it, I enjoyed it. Slept through the night except for the kittens waking me up once and Dorian deciding that'd be a great time to start poking me in the face so I would pet him. Didn't wake up until about 10:30am. Essentially no headache this morning and only the slightest bit of queasiness. Actually feeling some motivation to do something which is a nice change. 

Day 7: (10/4): Took medication at 10pm and went to bed around 11:30pm. After waking up a few times, I ended up sleeping until around 12:25pm. Did have a headache overnight but it was mostly gone by morning. Actually stayed awake unlike the day before when I woke up at 10:30 and was back asleep from noon - three. Mostly laid on the couch but did get the disgusting towel out of the bathtub and that bag of trash taken out. It's not much, but it's something.

Day 8: (10/5): Last planned entry. Took medication at 10pm and went to bed at midnight. Woke up a few times and didn't end up getting up until 11:30 am. I really didn't want to leave the warm, comfy bed but my bladder demanded otherwise. I'd say I'm feeling 95% normal which is good. It means my brain is clear and I can get things done.  I do have a slight headache but not so bad that I can't function. 

Weekly Update: Medication Haze

 My brain feels so weird today and I know this post/day is going to be a challenge to get through, but I'm going to try my best.

Last night, for the first time in months, I took my medication. I took it around 10 pm and went to be around 11. I had plans to read, but I was just too tired so I went pretty much right to sleep. Except, I didn't stay asleep. I lost track of the number of times that I woke up or changed positions. At some point, I realized that the right side of my face hurt...like sinus pain...that triangle between right eye, right ear, and right sinus. I think around 8:30 this morning I gave up and came downstairs. I took migraine medicine because I now had a full blown headache and some allergy meds. I laid down and managed to get a couple more hours of sleep, so I'm not totally exhausted.

I do feel...slow though. That's the only way I can think to describe it. My fingers are flying across the keyboard typing this, but I feel as if the rest of me is moving in slow motion. It's a weird feeling and not one that I especially enjoy. I have things to get done today that I really don't want to push off until tomorrow if I can at all help it.

Last night I sat down and wrote out a weekly schedule for myself. Today I'm working on getting started with it. I'm going to have to be fairly flexible with it though because I need to grocery shop before Saturday which is the day I put it on the schedule. I'm also waiting on phone calls from my son's specialist because between them and where he does his physical/occupational therapy, they can't seem to get it together and need me as a middle man. It's rather annoying. 

So, the schedule...it's my hope that between having that as a guideline and the medication, I'll be more productive and get myself back on track with things. After all, it'd be good to do that before I fall through the kitchen floor. I keep feeling as if I missed putting something on there, but I included: house cleaning, client work, and writing time. I did leave a lot of space on each day's list though in case I remembered something as I go through this week. 

God, I know these segues are awful and I am so sorry. This slow motion brain just is not working for me. Here's hoping it adjusts quickly and I can go back to "normal" so far as this goes. But hey, let's jump to the next thing...

The boys came over Saturday and we all drove to Okemos and had lunch at Old Chicago. Total cost for a Chicago style pizza with 3 toppings? $8.88 because I had a birthday discount of $17 off a pizza. From there we went to East Lansing to Grand Traverse Pie Company and I got us all slices. Total cost? About $8.50 because mine was free for my birthday. So, for less than $20, we all ate and were nice and full after. Plus, the company was pretty priceless.

When we got back to the house, Roger carried the a/c unit that I had in my car to the barn for me. It's a small step towards getting my car cleared out. If it doesn't rain every day this week, I'm going to try to go out and finish up cleaning out the front seat. I think I have car cleaning supplies in the trunk that I can even wipe down the upholstery and such. There's also a car wash here in the village where I can go use the vacuum to sweep it out. Again, baby steps. A lot of this will depend on the weather and brain fog, but hey, all I can do is try.

I think I'm going to leave this at that. I want to do another quick post where each day this week I monitor my body's reaction to the medication. I'm not really sure why, but that feels important to me...

Love you all! Stay safe and take care of yourselves and each other!

PS I still hate the new blogger. 

PPS I'm sorry for the lack of paragraphs. Blogger is broken and not acknowledging them which makes these posts hard to read. 

Bonus Post: Just Because

 I have no real solid reason for writing here this morning other than I have some time to waste and I don't want to clean. The boys are supposed to come over today so we can hang out and go get some pizza with a birthday coupon that I have. Typical to them though, one of them tried to get the other two to make a plan and the other two didn't. Ben has called me already this morning and let me know that his brothers are still asleep. Yep. That sounds about right. Nobody knows when Dylan is working. It could be noon or it could be four. Either way, I don't think he's going to be able to come. I guess we'll find out when everyone finally wakes up. I told Ben to wake them up once his clean clothes that he was waiting on are out of the dryer. That lets them sleep until ten.

In other news, yesterday was a crazy up and down day for me. I was working on a client's book and totally into it. It was the first time, in a long time, that I really took joy from reading. It felt so good. Then, Rob posted about still not having someone to go to the drive in with him, and I just crumbled. The stupid thing is...I didn't even have any kind of massive desire to go see Rocky Horror. It's a movie I watch once a year for Halloween and I'm good the rest of the year. It was that horrible feeling of being trapped and desperately needing in person contact with someone else. Touch starvation is a very real thing and I am 100% suffering from it. 

On top of that, none of my favorite streamers that I'd been looking forward to all week were on last night. Two of them were having minor medical issues and I don't know where the third was. It's not real human contact, but usually I interact with all of them so it kind of is. I did get to watch the cute Father of the Bride 3-ish which helped lift my spirits. Then, I finished the client's book and the ending made me cry. It was the perfect ending to the series as it stands now. I can't tell you why or it'd give away spoilers, but if you're looking for a book series, I can recommend the Godsverse series by Russell Nohelty.

Earlier in the day, he'd asked if I'd work on a comic for him. Since this time of year is tight and I've wanted to work on his comics for a while now, I said yes. What I didn't know until much later in the day was that he's having me proofread Ichabod for him. This feels huge to me and made me feel like somehow maybe it's all going to be okay. I can't explain that connection, but I was excited and happy and it was wonderful.

So, that brings us back to today. I'm sleepy, as usual, and struggling a bit to regulate my mood. I want to talk to Rob, but I don't want to be the one always texting him first. I haven't been yet, but I don't want that to happen. Maybe that sounds stupid, I don't know. I think it's part of the rebuilding trust between us. I need to know that he thinks of me and remembers I'm out here, not just when something bad happens, but any time. I sent him a flirty text yesterday and he never responded which while I can "make excuses" as to why he didn't, it still hurts a tiny bit. Not huge, but it's there. 

Yesterday, when I was sitting here crying, I actually thought to myself that I wished he hadn't appeared back into my life. God, that sounds so horrible, but my current reality is that having him back in my life, but not feeling like I can just contact him whenever (without being annoying) and not being able to be anywhere near him is kind of horrible. Like it hurts. When I'm struggling, like yesterday, I can remember how nice it can be when we're together...and it's not a comfort, but something that hurts. On a good day, I can have those same memories and smile. I don't know. Brains are so complicated. 

It doesn't help that "the man" still isn't talking to me. It's now been 11 days. He promised me that he'd never do this again. Hell, we even set up a "safe word" so that if he were going to, he could say that to me and I'd know and know that everything was okay. Every day I expect to get an email or text saying that we're over. That's cheery, eh?

In other not man related news, tomorrow night I'll be starting back on my medication. I'll reassemble the "drug bowl" sometime tonight or tomorrow. I've also been working on making sure that I'm in bed between 11 and 11:30. This allows me to read a chapter or two before I fall asleep. Yep, I gave myself a midnight bedtime. Due to the kittens I'm not getting a great full night's sleep but it's better than if I just let myself stay up to all hours. I was up later last night because I was so hyped about working on Ichabod that I didn't realize how late it had gotten. Still, I've been doing pretty well at it and I'm finally making progress on the book I've been "reading" for something like two months now. Baby steps, right?

I had three goals and I really think that getting this one going will help the other two. It's a journey, but a journey is just a long walk made up of single steps. Steps one and two are my medications and getting into a sleep schedule. I'm working on those and that's good. I'm hoping it will help me with some "stinking thinking" and envy issues as well. I hate being unhappy about someone else's success (a certain blogger/artist who wrote about her mental health, disappeared, and came back to much excitement and a book) or someone else's support (wife of a friend who had to have surgery and has him there to help and support her). Okay, so those people will never be me. I will probably forever only have me to take care of me and hell, nobody really reads here, but maybe one person does and they can relate and maybe it will make a tiny bit of difference in this hell that we currently call life. 

I guess time will tell. For now though, children are awake though still not making a plan and I think I'll start work on Ichabod because work keeps my brain busy and not focused on how I'd probably cry if "the man" or Rob texted me and talked to me. Man, I feel so stupidly pathetic, even if there's actual scientific evidence that feeling like this is normal.

Love you all...

PS I have no idea why this is posting as one long stream of consciousness. I wrote it with paragraphs. Ugh! This wasn't a problem in the old style of posting.

2020 Birthday Wrap Up

 Okay, first of all, what the heck is up with sites feeling they need a brand new design? First Facebook...whose new design sucks and I have rejected it 11 times now. I know they're going to force it on me soon, but I will hold out as long as possible. Now it's Blogger. I really don't know why companies feel they have to fix things that aren't broken. Focus on adding features, fixing bugs, not redesign. 

There. Now that I have that off my chest, it's time for the annual birthday blog post. I used to do this over on Life With Katie, but since I've made that my author site, I felt here was a better place for it since it's not about writing goals or anything like that. 

Let's start by summarizing my birthday: the good, the bad, the summary style. 

The Good - First text of the day was from my best friend. I've missed him so damn much and he doesn't know that, but every time his text chime goes off, I smile. I cannot wait until we can be together again. That reminds me...I think I still owe him about 7 steaks.

A friend called and we were on the phone for nearly four hours. It was pretty awesome. 

I got an incredible weighted blanket from Justin. It has albino penguins all over it and I can't wait to use it. I also got taken out for a very late lunch/early dinner by my oldest and my "middle" child got to join us. (Middle is in quotes because he's my youngest biologically but the son we "adopted" is like 4 days younger than him.)

I got to pick a name for the name a cat poll on my favorite Twitch channel (Twitch.tv/Apoinsettia) and my name won! I'd like to welcome Sadie officially to the channel. I also got happy birthdays there, on the SeanLikesJazz channel, and on Discord. Plus all of the ones on Facebook and a new thrown in on Twitter. Super nice.

The Bad - "The Man" sucks. Yep. I'm not being nice on this. He pretty much blew off our anniversary and then yesterday? No text. No card. No gift. He didn't even respond to my text. In fact, he hasn't in 9 days now. What did he do? He posted to my Facebook wall: Hey you, happy birthday.  ...I wanted to respond, Hey you, we need to talk, but I didn't. I did send him a text last night saying that I was super sad that he wouldn't even text me on my birthday. Zero response. Big surprise, huh? 

Anyway, enough about that. I need to do something about it, but I also need to do a thousand other things...so...only other bad? No other cards or gifts. Maybe that sounds selfish or greedy, but it is what it is. I have a need to be validated on that one day a year and while social media posts are great, they're just not the same thing. Maybe next year I'll throw myself a card party...

The Summary - Not a bad day overall. There were some tears thanks to "the man" but there were also smiles and laughter. I'd give the day a solid 7.5/10. Only things missing? A phone call from my best friend, "the man" not being a douche, and a few more cards/gifts.

Now, for anyone who has read my past birthday blog posts, you know that I often use my birthday as a day of introspection and planning for the upcoming year. I usually pick something to focus on and set some goals. Why break tradition, right?

Focus: Mental health

Mental health can be the root of so many other issues. It can be why I don't take care of myself, why I don't do things or get things done. Ever since I had pneumonia and then Covid happened (to the world, not to me), I've struggled with all of this. I had such a hard time when I was sick that I stopped taking my medicine. I was coughing so much that I was throwing up and it just became easier not to take it. Unfortunately, as anyone who struggles with a medication schedule knows, once you mess up that schedule, it's so hard to get back to it. So, my taking my meds appropriately is step 1 of getting back on track. They should help me get to a place where I can start handling things that I've let slide again. 

Goals:

I'm keeping these simple. They need to be attainable so that I can achieve them and then set new goals. Nobody said you can only set goals on your birthday and new years, right?

Goal #1: Books

I want to have written and published two more books by the time my birthday rolls around next year. Apo's Army is already in progress and then I want to go back to the toy store. This is doable. 

Goal #2: House

Due to my mental health, I've allowed the house to get more than a little out of control. I need to reign that in and then over the coming year get some serious house fixes done. By done I mean letting the owner know there are issues. My main ones are: kitchen floor (hopefully within the next couple of weeks), furnace (November) and water heater/electrical (Spring).  I'm spreading these out so that the owner doesn't 100% freak out. I don't want to go another year without heat in the house though. Can it be done? Yes. Do I deserve to have heat? Yes. I just need to remind myself of that.

Goal #3: Car

This one seems kind of silly, but I want to clean out my car...like really clean it out, wiping everything down, etc and keep it nice. I'm so tired of it looking like I live in it or something. Next time I go out to it, I'm going to take a trash bag with me and just start filling it with whatever needs to go into the trash can. Front seats should be pretty easy. Then, I'll tackle the back seat. There's an a/c unit back there. Maybe when the boys stop by this weekend I'll get Roger to put that into the barn. 

So, that's it. My focus and goals for this coming birth year. They're small, but I think they're all really important. I'm off to actually write a post for Life With Katie. I've been so horrible about updating there. It's one of the things that I stopped doing in the Covid depression era. I need to get better about that.

Have an amazing day, all of you! You're much loved.

PS New blogger got rid of my entire list of tags. Argh! 

Weekly Update: 2 Days

Monday again! I'd ask how this keeps happening, but we kinda know. I'm tired this morning. The kittens didn't follow me up to bed last night and I decided that meant I'd get a good night's sleep. Nope. Mina started attacking my leg/foot at around 3:45 am. I ended up sleeping the rest of the night on the couch because I had to come downstairs to use the bathroom and then was too tired to climb back upstairs. Not the most comfortable or energizing of rests, but better than nothing.

I'm trying to remember back over the past week to see if there's anything I need to write about. DHS denied me for food stamps again. They claim I didn't send in the required paperwork (total lie) and that Roger isn't an eligible college student. They also added my oldest back on and then said he wasn't eligible because he no longer lived with me. Well yes, that's why I removed him like a year ago. I don't know that I have the energy to fight with them about this. It's like they're going out of their way to lie and not be helpful.

I'm concerned about my income now, of course. I have a project on my desk, but I've already been paid for it. I don't have anything else lined up for after that. That's scary. It means not knowing how I'm going to eat, put gas in my car, or basically do anything. I'm trying to have faith that it'll all work out, but ugh. Of course, my brain immediately makes the jump to how I'll pay for Christmas. I swear it works hard at worrying about things that are months down the road.

Speaking of roads...nice segue, right? The other thing that my brain is hung up on is moving. I know that I'm going to have to in a couple of years, but my brain seems to think that now is a good time to worry about how I'll make that happen and where I'll be moving to. Part of me just wants to stay here. Then I remind myself that if I stay here, I'll be having to take the house down to studs to get the electrical fixed. Ugh. I really thought I'd be moving somewhere closer to Baltimore but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it won't be like I was promised. Of course, there's the option of moving back to Buffalo. That would put me close to Rob which would be nice. Of course, Roger reminded me that it'd mean moving further from them. He said he was joking, but I wonder if there isn't a lick of truth in there. I know that Ben sometimes worries about me moving away.  I doubt there's a way to make everyone happy.

Speaking of happy...yes, I'm going to use that again...It's just two days until my birthday. I wrote last week about how anxious that makes me. I guess I've had my meltdown over it because today it's barely bothering me. Of course, that's because I've barely thought about it. I still have no plans. I'll probably work, watch tv, watch some Twitch streamers, and that's about it. I think I'll have one present to open, but that's it. Nobody has asked me for my address or a wish list or anything. It makes me sad but what can you do? At least I know I won't be raped this year for my birthday like I was for my 30th. Do you know that sometimes I still look that guy up on social media? That's some weird ptsd stuff there, huh? Mostly if I type his name into Google it just comes up with Harry Potter sites though which kind of amuses me.

Let's see, what else? I wrote a few more stories for my upcoming book which is awesome. I'm still excited about the book which is really good. I have at least fifteen more stories to write though so it's going to be a bit before it's completed. My goal is to take it to Kickstarter in February so I have time, but we all know how fast time can slip by so I need to keep working on it. I have no idea what's happening with book 3 of The Tether Saga. Nick told me over a month ago that he was going over his notes for it, but if he did, he never sent them to me. I know he's busy with Awakenings, but it's been almost a year. I'm sure people have flat out given up on this book. In truth, I pretty much have too.

Oh! A bit of nice...Roger came over and he helped me some with the house. The kitchen floor is now cleared, the litter boxes have all been changed out, and the living room had some good progress made. It's mostly a matter of books being tumbled out everywhere. If I can get that under control and the bathroom cleaned this week (it's in progress), I can let the owner know that the kitchen floor is disappearing...well, so soft that you could fall through if you aren't careful. I'm not looking forward to that (severe landlord anxiety), but I also can't be falling through the floor and it's not as if I caused the leak or whatever has led to this.

So, I think that's that. Nothing new to report with Rob. He's gone quiet but now that he's healing, he's back to being someone who must keep busy at all times. We're alike and opposite in that. I need to be busy, but I also badly need contact with people and am happy at home. He needs to be busy and through his work, he automagically gets contact with people so he's always on the go. It's not personal, just how it is. I'm trying not to be desperately needy and I think he's just living his life. That sounds kinda cold, doesn't it? Maybe because I have a severe out of sight, out of mind feeling about other people...as in if I'm not in front of them somehow, they're not thinking about me. I'm sure he thinks of me sometimes, but doesn't feel the need to be in daily contact. Does that sound nicer? I hope so because I'm not trying to paint him as a jerk.

Anyway, long post again but that's healthy for me. It lets me get stuff out of my brain. I hope that those few who do read keep coming back and that these posts somehow help you too. Until next week...or I need to write again...

Bonus Post: Birthday Anxiety

My birthday is in five days and I laid in bed this morning and cried over it. Why? Well, the basic reason is that I'm sure "the man" won't remember until Facebook reminds him and even then, he won't do anything more than text me Happy Birthday.

The deeper reason goes back a lot further. Some of you may know that my mother was abusive. I don't remember when it started, but I know that by the time I was in middle school, it was happening. She would get upset about something and scream at me. She would scream that she wished I'd never been born, that I ruined her life. Quite often this would come along with her slapping me repeatedly. Over the years, that has stuck with me like sap clinging to a pine tree.

So, ever year, when September rolls around, I start hearing her voice in my head. Except the message has changed slightly.  Now it's that nobody cares that I was born. Nobody cares enough to even go to the dollar store to get me a card and mail it out. It's not about the money, it's about the effort. Nobody loves me enough to make any effort.

People will point out how many Facebook comments I get that day wishing me a happy birthday. My brain will kick in and say, "Sure, but those take zero effort. You leave them for people all the time and it takes about two seconds of your life." To those people I'll smile and say "Yes, isn't it wonderful? So many people care."

It's getting better, I guess. It used to be the entire month. Last year it was the ten days leading up to my birthday. This year I made it to five days before my birthday. Except the next five days will be hell for me. I'll have a desperate urge to go and check the mailbox, even though I know there's nothing there. I'll look for UPS shipping notifications even though I know nobody has sent anything.

My birthday will be the worst because, in my head, it will be the day that yet again it is confirmed that I don't matter enough to anyone, not even the man I've been in a relationship with for five years, to make even the smallest of efforts. One year I received something like three cards and a friend had a cake delivered. It was the most amazing year, but the next year was a hard crash when none of those same people did it again. Still, for that one year, I felt loved and special and it was wonderful.

I've mentioned my birthday once or twice on Facebook, mostly because it sort of snuck up on me. I guess that's improvement. I've not shared an Amazon wish list even once (nobody has asked for one either). I've not posted any sort of countdown. I'm sure that people got tired of me mentioning it for an entire month...well, 23 days.

I've been asked if I have plans for my birthday and the answer is no. In the past, whenever I've made plans, the other people have cancelled them. Those were really tough blows for me and further proof to my brain that I didn't matter. I always hope someone will remember and invite me to visit or something, but that's never happened. I suppose I could buy myself a tiny cake and eat it, but doesn't that scream pathetic and nobody loves you?

No, it will be just another Wednesday. I'll be here, alone, working on a client's book. The only addition will be some tears as my mother's voice screams I told you so in my head.

Weekly Update: Yawn...

Ello all you lovely people who pop in to read my ramblings. It's Monday and that weekend was a doozy. I spent a good portion of Saturday texting with Rob and wrapping up a client's book. Nothing super exciting. Sunday was a tad more exciting. I had planned on writing, but instead made the courageous decision to go grocery shopping.

Okay, courageous might be an exaggeration. For the most part everyone is complying with #MaskOnMichigan ...why did I just hashtag that? Anyway...it's not much of a scary thing to go, I suppose. I just really didn't want to and had to talk myself into it.  I got to Walmart and immediately a woman stopped me to ask if my tires helped the car in the winter. I said nothing helps that car in the winter. It's too light weight to handle snow well. Turns out she has one that's a year older and feels the same way. After that chat, I actually did my shopping. I was only stopped one other time and that was by a U of M fan asking who had dressed me that morning since I was wearing my favorite MSU hoodie. Yes, I 100% put on an oversized hoodie so I wouldn't have to put on a bra and it be totally obvious. I also had a lovely five minute or so chat with a lovely couple in produce. I know that's probably frowned upon but that was my first in person socialization since Tuesday. I badly needed just to talk to someone, even if it was mostly about how much Covid sucks and petting zoos that are still open.

Got out to the car and I had almost no energy but I loaded it up, stopped at Wendy's for some dinner (I hadn't eaten yet that day.) and drove home. This is when things started to go downhill. I had bought mostly perishables so they had to come into the house. I think it took me four trips from car to front porch and then that many to go from front porch to living room where I sat the bags all on the table. I managed to get half of them put away when I had to stop and sit down. I was lightheaded and short of breath. After a half hour or so, I got the rest of them put away, but I wasn't feeling right so I laid back down on the couch and texted with Rob and Justin. Justin thinks I need to have a lung capacity test done in case I damaged my lungs when I had pneumonia. Rob questioned if it hadn't been covid. I dunno. I just know that this is how it's been since I had it and it sucks. I have no physical stamina.

It took three hours before I felt normal again. Gross. By that time it was too late to really do anything so I mostly just watched tv and talked about me moving with Rob. I have to do it. I know it's coming. I just don't know where to move to. I do know that it's going to be super scary for me and that, on some level, I ought to be preparing for it now...trying to downsize, etc. Just the idea of trying to pack up this house is completely overwhelming. I'll probably start doing it a good six months before the actual move. I know I'll start with "the wall" aka my studio because it can be a staging area for boxes from other rooms.

Anyway, no use worrying over that now when I have enough other worries. I suspect that some of you may want to know what's up between Rob and myself. Well, I proposed that we just keep being "us"...carrying on how we have been but that he had to promise on all things holy to communicate with me, even if he was afraid of how I might respond. He did and so, for now, we're mostly cursing covid which is keeping us from seeing each other. Who knows how long it will be until the border is open again. It sucks, but it is what it is. At least this is happening now and not back when we'd have had to write letters and then wait weeks to hear back, right? Now I can pick up my phone and shoot him off a text message.

I wish I had something grand to say here. I'm doing better, which is good. I'm struggling with my relationship with "the man" especially with Rob back in my life. I pretty much live a life of solo polyamory so it's not being with both of them that's the issue. It's comparing how one treats me versus how the other one does. I've grown tired of being ignored for days on end just to have "the man" act like it didn't happen. I don't have the emotional sporks though to confront him right now though. I need to focus on a hundred other things.

I suppose that's all for today. It's kind of a blah post for a blah day. I'm going to grab something to eat and then dive into some work. I'm excited that I have two different comics on deck right now.  It's a lovely palate cleanser before I dive into another novel. For all of you, have a marvelous day. You're all important in your own way.

PS If you want to get a good night's sleep, I don't recommend getting two kittens. On Saturday night, Mina figured out the stairs and bed. Last night, she showed Apollo. 

Also, my birthday is in nine days and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I have zero plans and zero expectations that other than Facebook posts, anyone will do anything for it...

When do you say goodbye?

I should be working. Instead, here I am again. I'm feeling really insecure today and I know why, no matter how much I want to ignore it. It's "the man." We've been together for over five years now. I've stood beside him as he fought for custody of his kids, decided if he wanted to stay married to his wife, and what feels like a thousand other things. I don't know though if he's stood by me. Honestly, I feel ignored and taken for granted. That's the problem when you love as hard as I do. People tend to figure out that you aren't going anywhere.

The first couple of years that we were together were great. We talked all the time either via text or email or sometimes both at the same time. At some point though, the emails stopped. Then, over time, the texts slowed down. He used to share ideas with me, send me pictures, and just be there whenever I needed him. I don't remember the last time he sent me a picture. I find out about his ideas via Facebook...and I don't remember the last time he told me that he loved me. He's never been one to say it frequently but I've never gone without being able to remember the last time. We used to fall asleep together, texting back and forth. Now he never texts me around that time unless it's every once in a great while to say goodnight. He used to always call me by a nickname that he had for me, now he never does. He used to tell me I'm beautiful, now he tells someone else.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I realized that even when I ask him for something small...like a photo or a message, that he never does it. Twice in the past month he'd told me he'll send me photos "soon" or "soon enough." He hasn't.

The past few days he hasn't even responded to my texts really. I send him a lovely one yesterday morning and he ignored it. Last night, when he'd posted to Facebook that he was done writing, I sent him a message. His reponse? "Writing" ...except you just said you were done. I told him I'd leave him alone. I haven't messaged him since. He probably won't even notice if all day goes by and he doesn't hear from me.

It's so hard. When we're physically together, things are so good between us. We talk about things. When we're apart, I feel like he forgets about me.

Then, there's Rob. I'm so damn insecure with that. I don't know what he wants. I mean, he's made it kind of obvious that he wants to go back to how things were, but how can we? He destroyed me. Even today, when I told him that I'm feeling insecure, he didn't respond. I can't do that. I can't be intimate with someone who can't be there when I need someone to tell me that I'm wonderful and they love me. Of course as soon as I say he hasn't responded, he responds. Thirty seven minutes, but at least he knew he had to respond.

I don't know. The only thing that keeps me with "the man" is knowing how good we are together when we're together, but with covid, who knows when that might happen again. I just wish he'd tell me that he misses me at least. It's a stupid wish, but it's my wish. I could tell him that I need more from him, but I don't know what good it would do. He may just ignore that and then I'd feel even worse.

If I knew I had Rob to help balance things out, it'd be so much better. God, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Except, in some ways, it really just is how I've come to work. I've long given up that I'll ever get married again. I don't know who could handle the semi-hoarding, the depression, the anxiety, all the time. I live with it and I annoy myself. Does that mean that deep down, locked away, there isn't a mad desire to have someone love me like that? Of course there is. All I've wanted my entire life is to be loved like that. I guess deep down I've never totally gotten over the idea that I don't deserve that.

Still, this past week it's become more and more clear to me what I want with Rob is the same thing that I wanted 15 months ago when all hell broke loose. It's not a "we're together when we're together" kind of thing, but a we're together because it makes us happy kind of thing. I want a partner...someone that is my safe spot, someone that I can do things with or do nothing with. I want not just a sexual partner, but an emotional one as well. I want someone who will tell me they love me and not just in the bedroom. I don't want to be a secret. I'm not saying we need to be "Facebook official" or even tell anyone about us, but if we're out, I want to be able to hold their hand. I want to sneak a kiss at the stoplight.

I don't want a husband. Not right now. I don't want to be physically with someone 24/7. I don't think it would be healthy for me or for another person. I'm not sure I can explain this properly, but I want to be with him when we can be, but when we're not, we're still okay and still us. We have lives of our own but those lives include each other. I don't need 24/7 communication, but I need open communication. I don't need to be "the" one, but I need to know that if someone else comes along, it won't mean that I'm kicked to the curb or left in the dark. Not again. I can't do that again.

In some ways, I've always seen us as two halves to a whole. We know each other and in the past, we were able to balance each other. Your soulmate doesn't have to be your lifemate. If we started with what we were before "the horror" but with what I thought we were when I last left him, that'd be amazing. If it moved on past that, well, that'd be what it'd be. I'm not going into anything with the hopes that it will turn into something more. I've spent too many years being alone and being told things could never be more in the relationships that I've been in. Like I said, I don't truly believe that I deserve that whole "happily ever after - white picket fences" thing. Most of the time I'm okay with that. I just want us to be okay, but okay together again.

Ugh. These are all things that I should just be telling him, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me how he doesn't want another relationship after just ending such a toxic one. I mean, it's not like that's unreasonable, but we can't go back to what I thought we had before. I need more. I need reassurances. Most of all, I really need a freaking hug and to be told that it'll be all right.

Edit: Well, I asked him. I sent him a text asking what it was that he hoped for or wanted. His response? He doesn't know. He didn't know if I'd even answer him. He had just wanted to apologize and explain himself. He did that...August 31st. I guess after that it was just easy to fall into old habits...I think I'm going to go cry now and then fill out this paperwork that I forgot to do yesterday. It's better than hyperventilating my way into an asthma attack.