Thursday, October 2, 2014

Dear Tony...

Dear Tony,

You don't really know me. We've only spoken once or twice. You're probably not even sure why I'm writing this letter to you. I'm writing it because I think you understand. You get it and because you get it, I feel as if I can open up and share things with you that others won't understand.

Tony, I weigh 310 pounds. I wasn't always this way. When I was a child, I was the one that everyone said would never gain weight. I would always be skinny. Then, I started to gain weight. By the time I graduated from high school, I weighed 180 pounds. I was made fun of because of that and because most times I had to wear the same pair of jeans more than one day a week to school. My family didn't have a lot of money and I was being raised by my grandparents who had grown up during the depression. I never told anyone about the anonymous notes left in my locker or even in my mailbox at home. I was never athletic, I didn't snack but I didn't turn down second helpings either.

When I went to college, I developed an eating disorder. I barely ate. I don't believe that I did it for looks. I did it because it was tied in with the mental health issues that I wouldn't have an official diagnosis for until I was 37 and said enough is enough. I didn't mind not eating though because soon, my clothes fit better and I believed the lies that my mind told me that skinnier was healthier. Before I went home after my freshman year, I was down from a size 16 to a size 12 and I loved how I looked. I mourned the weight that went back on because at home, I couldn't not eat.

By the time I dropped out of college halfway through the next year, I'd lost all that weight again. I'd also ended up in the emergency room for what was later ruled nothing more than a stress attack. Fast forward a year and now I'm 20...I skipped periods, gained massive amounts of weight (I went up 3 to 4 clothing sizes over a few months) and had other issues. My doctor sent me to an ob/gyn who took one look at me and said you're obese, this is why this has happened. She never listened to a word that I said. It wouldn't be until I was 38 that I would be diagnosed with PCOS.

Three pregnancies (the first leading to a miscarriage at 17 weeks), a divorce and what feels like a lifetime later, here I am at 310 pounds. I always swore I'd never break that 300 barrier, but I have and I'm scared. I know that I need help but I really and truly cannot afford it. You see, my oldest son has cerebral palsy and I've been diagnosed as Bipolar 2. Both of those have prevented me from finding a job outside of the house. I do some editing when jobs come up, but let's just say money is tight and there is no wiggle room. I don't go to Starbucks or order pizza. I drive a car that's older than my oldest and he's 14, nearly 15.

However, for the first time, I'm not using these as excuses. Yes, I get food stamps. No, it's not really enough to feed our family, but I do my best to find sales and I'm making changes to healthier options. Last night, I made a weight watchers recipe for tortellini and it called for adding a bag of frozen stir fry veggies to it. I'd never even thought of that as an option! It was delicious and I felt good that what I was making was healthier than pizza rolls or some other processed food option. I can't afford a gym membership, but I can walk around my village. (Yes, villages do still exist.) It will get cold soon, and I expect I'll have to switch to workout videos, but I have some and I have a way to play them. Some people don't have that.

I am also blessed that I have friends who have done this, who are doing this, or who are just plain awesome so that on the days when I'm struggling and feeling like this is impossible (which my doctor pretty much told me that it was and that I should consider surgery), I can reach out and they'll either encourage me, kick me in the butt or do both. I'm making small changes that will last a lifetime. I can do this. I won't have my children left without a mother or my future grandchildren left  without a grandmother to spoil them and love them. I won't be the person whose early death is being mourned, like someone else I know who recently died due to obesity. He was only 30.

I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this...and I want to say thank you. Thank you for your posts about yourself. Thank you for being a cheerleader in the fight against obesity. Thank you for helping people get past excuse hell to what the hell was I waiting for. Thank you for being you.

Sunday, May 4, 2014


Fear is something that we all face at some point or another in our lives. For some of us, it's something that never seems to go away. For others, it's a flash in the pan, a blip on the radar and as fast as it was there, it's gone. For most of us, we land somewhere smack dab in the middle.

I was talking with a friend the other day, about something that had nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with my life and suddenly I realized that I've been living in complete and total fear. It's been with me for so long that I no longer even acknowledge its presence, but bring up something that the fear has been masking and woah boy, there it is, rearing up its head and looking around at who to bite. Yep, fear not only has a tight grip, but it has a poison bite, the kind that can paralyze a person.

It's paralyzed me for so long that I no longer realized that I was no longer moving. I've been saying for months that I want to lose weight and yet, what have I really done about it? Sure, my water intake has increased..sometimes. Sure, I've eaten better...sometimes. I've grown frustrated with feeling stuck. It wasn't until that conversation that I realized that not only was I experiencing fear in that area, but I'm also experiencing it when it comes to my body. That fear has held me captive and until I handle it, I won't be able to move forward.

So, what am I afraid of? That's the bottom line, right? If I know what I'm afraid of, I can figure out a way to deal with it so I can move on. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I discovered that I have a whole list of fears when it comes to weight loss. I'm going to list them and then maybe we can talk about possibilities after...Ready? Here we go.

  • I'm afraid to fail at losing weight.
  • I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm going to die at a young age or develop serious health problems.
  • I'm afraid if I don't lose weight, I'm setting a horrible example for my children and one of them struggles with his weight already.
  • I'm afraid that losing weight won't change how people see me. 
  • I'm afraid that if I lose weight, my self-esteem will drop even further because I'll still be invisible or everyone's friend.
  • I'm afraid if I lose weight, I'll be more vulnerable..that I won't have my weight to use as an excuse anymore.
Lots of fears there and I can already hear some of you telling me that I need to lose the weight for myself, that I need to love myself and believe myself and all of that. Yep, I know all of that. I don't need anyone to tell me that. Knowing something may be half the battle, but the other half is knowing how to deal with that knowledge. I've spent most of my life feeling as if nobody wants me. I've hid behind my weight. When you're fat and guys aren't interested in you or people tell you that you would never come across as sexy, part of you can shrug and say well yeah, it's because I'm fat.

So, what happens if I lose weight and get down to that magical number that everyone thinks I should be at and nothing changes? That's one of the fears that I'm facing. It's something that I've given myself one or two stern lectures over. I'm still that little lost girl sometimes..the one that just wants to hear that she's beautiful and who gets a piece of the attention instead of being lost in the background. That's who I am and that's something that I will probably spend a long time working on. That's okay. It's who I am right now and I'm healing. I'm rebuilding. 

Acceptance is important when it comes to fears. Let me clarify that. It's not important that you accept your fears, but it is important that you accept yourself for who you are right now. After all, that's the person that you have to deal with as you face your fears and as you continue to grow into a better version of yourself. 

Remember how we talked about bottom lines above? Well, here's the true bottom line for me. Which set of fears is more important? Set A, without a doubt. I cannot live a life and be the best mother that I can be at the weight that I currently am. I cannot teach my children how to nurture their bodies and to be the best people they can be if I'm not doing that myself. Yes, I'm still afraid that I could lose 100 pounds and walk into a room and nobody notice. It wasn't so long ago that I sat in a room listening to someone talk about how far they had come with their weight and had forgotten my own struggle. 

That's all okay though because at the end of the day, a journey isn't really a journey without some struggle thrown in. I think it's called a walk in the park, maybe a quiet stroll.  My journey involves mountains, rivers and sometimes even international borders without a passport. I just need to know that I can do anything if I can just tell my fears to go take a hike while I hike in the other direction. 

Now, before I go, I want to talk about one other fear that I have. It's the fear of asking for help. I was raised to be the person who took care of everyone else and it was made clear that my own needs weren't all that important. Even though I'm an adult now, I still haven't gotten past that fear that if I reach out to someone, I'm going to be slapped down. That's a fear that I want to tackle and I'm going to ask all of you for your help. I don't care if you've lost 5 pounds, 100 pounds or gained 10. If you have any tips or advice that you can share, please do so. Maybe you found an awesome recipe last week or you're trying a new workout program. If so, drop me a comment. The great thing about support is that if given, it's also so often received in return. I know some who have lost amazing amounts of weight and I'm going to try to step outside of my comfort zone and nudge them for some advice, especially on those days where I'm just stuck. There's absolutely nothing so wonderful as a pep talk from a friend, right? Right.

So here we go again. I have no idea what I weigh and I don't plan on stepping on the scale tonight. What I do plan on doing is taking those fears one at a time and giving myself the needed love to conquer them as I focus on what changes I can make to become the person that I deep down, really want to be.

Sleep well, my friends...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Two Kinds of People

I haven't posted here in a while. On February 28th, I had sinus and tonsil surgery and it left me pretty pathetic. I managed to lose 13 pounds and gain 10 of it back. I've been struggling emotionally with being so isolated and it's led to me choosing to just shove food in my mouth at every turn to try to shove down the feelings of being so alone. Due to finances, I'm missing out on every event that would normally put me in contact with my friends. On top of that, my best friend on the planet is going through his own struggles and has basically said that he isn't ready to have me (or anyone) around as much as I would be if I came to see him. It hurts but I understand.

So, where does that leave me? Alone and with too much time on my hands to be spent thinking. One of the things I've thought about is weight loss and how when people do manage to lose large amounts of weight, they seem to end up falling into one of two categories.

Category 1: I lost huge amounts of weight, look at me. These are the people who lost the weight and perhaps due to their ongoing insecurity, make it all about them, all the time. They post tons of pictures of themselves to social media. They don't hesitate to tell you that they lost the weight and just how much. In fact, sometimes it seems like that's all they talk about.

Category 2: I lost huge amounts of weight, let me help you. These are the people who lost the weight and because they know the struggle, the journey, the importance of support, they now want to help others who are on the same journey. They're the cheerleaders, the advice givers, the mentors...

My best of the people I love the most on this planet...has lost over 200 pounds in the past couple of years. I wish I could turn to him and ask him to help me, to be my support. I could really use someone like him in my corner right now because the truth is that I feel more than a little lost and like I don't know if I can do this. I know I need to do this. I know I want to do this, but I don't know how to do this. I'm scared.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Anxiety Won

This past week was not the best week in the world for me as far as focusing on weight loss. The truth is, I don't think I really tried at all. Okay, that's not true. I did try but I didn't try near as hard as I should have. I kind of let it ride and letting it ride took me right where it should have. I gained this week.

I let the monsters win. I let the ghosts of the past win. It's frustrating when I discover that things I didn't even know were an issue pop their heads up and stop me in my path. Then, I have to deal with them before I can move on down the road again.

Let's call this week's demon...Bob...Bob is a bully and a half. He took something that I enjoyed and was excited about and turned it into a nightmare for me. Let me give you a bit of a background..I've been fighting insomnia for nearly a week now. Between Friday night and Saturday morning, I figure I got about 4 hours of sleep. I had to be up early because Ben was starting his new bowling league and I had promised I would be there. So, over to Grand Rapids I went and one of the great things about this league is that we can all bowl. So, Peter (the ex-husband), Megan (his wife), Ben, Roger and I all bowled. I'm proud to say that I've somehow improved greatly in the past ten years. Maybe all the Wii bowling? Anyway, after three games, we wrapped up and headed for lunch. It was nice seeing us all doing something together without any drama. After lunch, I headed for the skating rink. Sure, I was tired, but I was determined to improve my skating from where it'd been two weeks ago.

I paid. I got my skates on. I stood up (with the help of the wall..I still haven't figured out how to just stand up). I moved to the other end of the wall because I had decided to actually skate on the wood floor this time. My theory was that falling on wood would hurt less than on concrete if I did happen to fall. I got right to the entrance to the skating floor and I froze. I was watching all these kids go round and round like it was easy and there were two adults (one of which I know is a former derby girl) standing there watching them and I couldn't move. Suddenly, there were all these thoughts in my head... "What if I look like an idiot in front of these people? What if I fall and I can't get back up? What if I never figure this out?"  They froze me in my tracks. I wish it had stopped there. Once my anxiety kicked in, it went even further. "What if I can't figure this out and I look like a fool in front of Rob? I wish Nicole were here, she'd make this fun and we'd have something fun to share together again. I wonder if she'll ever talk to me again. I miss her so much."

Before I knew it, I was standing there nearly in tears. Just writing those thoughts has tears running down my face. I ended up going and sitting down. Eventually, I managed to get out onto the floor and do one sad lap. I say sad because instead of even trying to skate, I held onto the wall and shuffled along. It was a step way back from where I'd been two weeks ago.

I chickened out from going yesterday. Instead, I curled up on the couch and did nothing more than watch tv, play games and feel depressed all day. I couldn't even begin to process the whole thing. This morning, I started to make some sense of it...Of course, after another bout of insomnia, I fell back to sleep but I'm going to try to sort it out again because I think having it in writing will help me and maybe it will help those who are closest to me but who don't understand some of my behaviors...

When I was growing up, I felt like I was the ignored child. My sister was the pretty one, my brother was the artistic one and they were also both favored children. I was the smart one or so they said. I guess everyone needed a title. As the "smart one", I worked hard at my grades and for me, there was no such thing as failure. Failure equaled disappointment which equaled no longer having anything that was my own. It meant that instead of any kind of attention, I would be ignored. I spent my entire childhood and a good part of my adulthood just trying to make people happy. Maybe if I never disappointed anyone, they wouldn't send me away. I developed a fear of being seen as foolish without ever realizing that I had.

It's the reason that I won't play new games with others. Instead, if I know in advance, I'll read all the rules and learn how to play. That way, there's less of a chance of me looking stupid in front of those I care about. It's why I'm really afraid to try most new things in front of people that I care about. What if I do something dumb and they don't want me around anymore? The most hurtful thing anyone can say or do is to tell me or allow me to feel that they're disappointed in me.

Is it logical? Nope, but anxieties and fears rarely are. I've spent the past year or so surrounding myself with the most supportive, loving and amazing people..people who would never consider me a fool for not knowing how to play a board game or for trying to learn a new skill. The loss of Nicole as a friend damaged me more than I wanted to let on. I love that woman and it hurts to think that she doesn't trust me or that she was so disappointed in me as a friend that she just didn't want to be my friend anymore. Every time I think about her, I cry. I know that nothing I could have done would have changed what happened. I know that, in reality, nothing I did do caused this, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

That hurt combined with fear combined with lack of sleep led to a lackluster week. It's up to me to decide which is stronger...fear or myself. I overate, I didn't get my water in, I skipped out on the one real form of exercise that I'm doing this week and that's all on me. I made a poor decision when I let fear run my life. Today is a new day though and I'm going to try to start putting myself back on the right little step at a time...

Starting Weight: -----------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: +.8
Total Weight Loss: -3.8
Daily Water Average: 24oz

Weekly Goals:

  • 48oz of water per day
  • Skating at least once this week
  • Food planning for surgery stay

Monday, February 10, 2014

Moving Slow

This week's post is brought to you by the letter S, the number 7 and this turtle. Why? Because this week was slow, there are 7 days in a week and he's just handsome. How could you deny him the desire to bring you a blog post?

This week was a tough week. I scheduled my sinus/tonsil surgery and along with that came a ton of anxiety that I wasn't expecting. I've come through other surgeries and took care of myself afterward just fine, so why should this one be any different? I'm guessing it's because the surgeon keeps telling me that I need someone with me until I'm enough off the pain meds that I can drive myself. She's shoved it hard into my head and knowing that I'm going to be alone, in a hotel room, now has my anxiety levels through the roof. With high anxiety came me not focusing on where I should have been.

I honestly have no idea how much I drank. Our pipes are still frozen, though thankfully, the bathroom sink seems to have partially thawed so we do have water again. It made it difficult which meant I didn't bother. My eating habits were..well, let's just say not so great though they were perhaps better than they might have been in the past.

I stepped onto the scale this morning, honestly inspecting a gain. I was pleasantly surprised at a teeny tiny loss..and when I say tiny, I really do mean tiny. However, I'll take it. It really serves as a good, strong reminder that even babysteps are better than no steps at all. I'm happy to report that I topped off my water bottle again this morning and have been drinking from it. I also made sure that I had breakfast again.

I've been told forever that skipping meals is bad so one of the changes that I've made is to make sure that I get in three meals every day. Last week, I did pretty good with that, but I did miss a few here and there. This week, I'm going to try to do better.

One thing that helps is that I now have my friend Rob backing me. Rob, who I hope to someday get to write a guest post here, has lost an amazing amount of weight and let me tell you folks, the man looks amazing now. I am beyond proud of him and having him in my corner helps a lot. He's one of the few people in my world that I know won't lie to me, even if it's going to suck beyond belief. Today, he told me that he believes I can do this. I know that if I feel stuck or frustrated, I can go to him and say argh! and he'll point me in the right direction...or knowing him, give me a big 'ol shove.

I've told myself and others that I can do this. I don't need fancy gadgets (not that I'd turn one down, but I can't afford them) or personal trainers or dieticians or anything like that. All I need is me and the will and desire to do this. That doesn't mean that I'm going to turn down any help I can get or that having a cheering section is a bad thing. Support is a major help in anything that we choose to do in life. I'm so glad to have those who are willing to say, "Hey, have you had your water today?" or "Hey, I'm so proud of you for not giving up." I'm even glad to have those that say, "Hey, stop slacking and get your ass in gear."

I may be a tiny turtle taking his very first slow steps in the world, but I'm taking those steps..

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: -4.6 pounds
Daily Water Average: ?????

Weekly goals:

  • 2 bottles of water each day (48oz)
  • Skating on Sunday (and if I'm insane, maybe Saturday too)

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A day late, but for a good reason!

Folks, I have never been so happy to sit down and write a post here. I can't even begin to describe the smile on my face this week. Before I even attempt to explain why, let me tell you why I'm a day late this week.

It's because...*drumroll* ..I spent yesterday putting in a new kitchen floor with the help of someone amazing enough to help me! I have just one row left to put in and then it will be all done and I can organize everything and start cooking again! I am soooo excited about this! Plus, it just looks awesome.

Now, back to the topic at hand...hehe... Wow, what a week. My water pipes froze (and are still frozen!) except for the hot water going to my bathtub. was my water last week? Awful! I managed to do 2 bottles a day right up until that happened. Then, because I was also snowed in, I switched to bottles of smoothie that I had in the fridge and drank one of those a day. It wasn't quite 48oz but I figured it was liquid and pretty healthy so better than nothing. Once those ran out, I switched to orange juice. Sheesh, talk about a challenge but I still got in the amount of liquids and it wasn't in the form of hot chocolate, soda or anything else that's super awful for you.

Plus, the cat is now out of the bag, so I can tell you my new plan for exercise! After listening to my friend, Rob, go on and on and on and on...well, you get the point...about how much he loves roller derby and skating and how it's saved his sanity more than once, I got gutsy and decided to try it out. Now, I know that those of you who know my penchant for falling off of things and tripping over my
own pajama bottoms are thinking dear lord, she's gone and finally completely lost her mind. Once I actually put my feet in the skates, I thought the same thing along with placing mental bets with myself on how long it would take before I broke something.

I am happy to say that not only did I not break anything, I only fell down once and it was only to go down on one knee! Granted, it was the knee I've had problems with, but no real damage done. On top of that, I had so much fun, even if I completely sucked at it! I am learning from scratch, after all. I didn't expect to be any good at it. So, this is what I'm going to be doing from now on. There's a rink about 25 minutes away that does free skates on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Well, they do them a couple of other times but they're busy then and I'd rather go when they're not. Plus, someone told me about another rink about 45 minutes away that's supposed to be a million times better. Dang it, I think I might end up getting hooked on this! I suppose there are worse things to be hooked on though, right?

The best part?  I know that even though I only went back and forth in this little maybe 10 foot area (while holding onto the wall), I know it was exercise. My legs, abdomen and one arm were pretty darn sore yesterday. Then, I worked in the kitchen and trust me, getting back up off the floor was a challenge. My knee didn't hurt but it sure didn't want to go back up after I went down.

I guess this means that I'm adding exercise back into my weekly routines. I won't be able to go skating every week because the boys aren't interested and spending time with them is more important to me. However, since the one rink is in the town they live in, I might start taking them back early on Sunday afternoons and getting in one hour of skating. Then, there's the gym that I mentioned last week. Financially it won't be easy, but I'm thinking about getting a membership and going over there twice a week to use their equipment. I really wish that I had closer options but that is one of the downsides to living in the middle of nowhere. If I get the membership, that will mean that I'm working out four days a week on the weeks that I go skating. Wow! I hope I'm ready to add in such a big goal!

Speaking of goals, here are mine for this week:

  • 2 bottles of water each day - I bought 2 gallons of water to help with this.
  • Make final decision regarding gym membership.
  • Research 2nd skating rink.
  • Finish the kitchen to make progress towards healthier cooking.
  • Complete garden planning to make progress towards growing healthier foods.
I think that's it! I hope everyone has a great week! Please, feel free to leave comments or drop me a line on Facebook. I have a fan page there that maybe we could all start to putting to some use! 

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -2.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -4.4 lbs
Daily Water Average: 32 oz (of liquid, not necessarily water)

Monday, January 27, 2014

One Week Later...

Writing is hard when you're going through a depression. Actually, it's not...writing publically is hard. I wonder how long until people tell me to stop whining and get over it. I wonder a lot of things, actually. I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone cares. I wonder why I feel the need to use the word actually a lot...

Then, I tell myself to take a deep breath and just write. After all, I'm not trying to lose weight for anyone other than myself. Sure, I hope that people notice, but that's normal. I don't know a single person who has struggled for something and then despises that people noticed. In the end though, I'm doing this for me because I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to have people look at me and go oooh, look at her. I'm just as pretty as anyone else on this planet, after all.

I feel as if I ought to apologize because I can tell that this post is going to be disjointed. I guess that I'm assuming that someone out there will read this. So, if you're that someone, I do apologize. Depressions are tough for me and right now, I'm smack in the middle of one. I described it this morning as being full of a lot of sad. I'm sad that someone I love doesn't seem to want our friendship right now. I'm sad that someone else I love has gone quiet on me, just when I got spoiled by our daily talks. I'm sad that today is my baby's thirteenth birthday and I'm not with him (though I will call him later). I'm sad that my house is still in shambles and the progress seems so slow (yes, I do know I can change that). I'm sad that I need sinus/tonsil removal surgery and I can't have it because there's nobody to take care of me. I'm just full of a heck of a lot of sad and it does affect the things that I do and try to do. I could use some extra support and encouragement, but there aren't many I can lean on right now because everyone is fighting their own battles at the moment.

I'm still here though and I'm still taking those tiny steps. I managed to stick to my goal of one bottle of water a day for the past week. On a few days, I even got in two. I'm noticing that the more I drink, the thirstier I become. I think that's my body catching up and going oooh, she's giving me something I need. I'm also dealing with more breakouts, etc as I'm guessing toxins are slowly being pushed out of my body. Yay? Why does nobody warn you of these things? They just tell you how much nicer your skin will be, etc. Warning, you may go through a period where your body freaks the hell out before you start seeing the good!

I'm proud of me for making sure that I met my goal for this past week. It was a small one, but an important one in this journey that I'm on. For this week, I'm going to increase that amount to two bottles. I know that's still below the daily recommended amount, but too much too fast equals me not doing it. Plus, this gives my body time to adjust to each change which I think is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, I even went so far as to consider some forms of exercise. Once the snow melts and it's not dangerous to be outside, I'm going to start walking again. It's something that I can do right here in the village and something that I actually kind of enjoy doing. On top of that, I actually got up the courage to step inside of a gym and get some information. Right next door to our new favorite game store is a Planet Fitness. After the boys had spent their birthday money, we went in and took a tour and got membership information. The price isn't bad and they do have a lot of options for things I could do. The only real downside is that it's about a thirty minute drive away, but then again, so is every other thing. I think I could get into the habit of going, it's more wondering if I could afford the gas money that it would take to go over two days a week. I also still have my top secret exercise idea and I'm trying to figure out if I have the money and the courage to do it starting this coming weekend. It's something I could only do every couple of weeks (when the boys aren't with me). I want to..but will my want overcome my fear? That's the real question...

Well, now that I've wrote and wrote and wrote (and trust me, I could keep writing), I guess it comes down to this...Did my drinking 24oz of water a day make any difference last week? I weighed in this morning (and will weigh in every Monday morning) to find out..I wasn't expecting much, but there was a change.  I'm down 1.6 pounds! It's a tiny number, but it's my number and it puts me that much closer to my first goal. In fact, I'm now less than 6 pounds away from that first goal. I don't know how long it will take to get there, but every ounce counts.

Starting Weight: ---------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -1.6
Total Weight Loss: -1.6
Daily Water Average: 24oz.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Starting Over - It's All Part of a New Me

Today is the start of a brand new journey...or another chapter in my ongoing journey. Really every day is a new page, every year a new chapter...

Today though, I start over. I've spent the past 9 months taking care of me in other ways. I got brave and I went to the doctor and told her to "give me the works." My pap and breast exam came back clean. My cholesterol was high so I was put on meds for it. She sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist who determined that I need sinus surgery and my tonsils out. I'll be calling tomorrow to schedule that because one way or another, even if I have to beg someone from Canada to take me and then put up with me for a few days, I will get it done. I'm tired of waiting. She asked me about breast reduction, which is something that I will most likely also be pursuing. The one thing that she didn't badger me about was my weight. Yes, it was commented on but there were more important my mental health ones. Since then, I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and Bipolar II disorder. I'm on a low level anti-depressant to help.

All of this allowed me to start regaining control in other areas of my life. Slowly, but surely, I have tackled rooms in my home and created functional spaces that we all appreciate. I'm not quite at the halfway point, but I'm still moving forward. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my who can shut off the voices that demand that there are a million things to be done and allow her to sit down and play video games or even make plans for the future with her children. My house is cleaner, my van is 2/3 of the way clean (the cold and snow got me before I could finish the center section) for the first time in years, my barn has even come a long way. I planted things this year and delighted in watching them grow and caring for them. I've watched my boys bloom in ways that as a mother delight me and scare me all at once (after all, they are both teenagers now). I've come a long way.

Now, it's time to take back control of my weight. I just spent a week with one of my closest friends on the planet. I've watched from a distance as he's dropped the weight. It wasn't so long ago (not even 2 years), that I stood in his house and listened to him go on about how amazing I looked because of the weight I had dropped and how wonderful we were both doing. I didn't hear that this time. I heard how amazing his weight loss journey was and is...and trust me, I don't resent that even one tiny really is amazing how he's done and I am so, so proud of him. However, I didn't hear him tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful or look great. Even when I wore special things for him, he didn't even notice.

I should clarify that the reality is that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with my weight but it hit home with me. Just like it hit home to hear it stated that there were doubts that I could climb stairs or even walk any amount of distance. I'm so isolated from the world here that I had forgotten what it felt like to have assumptions made about me due to my weight. It hurt. It wasn't meant to. It was a comparison in his journey from where he was to where he is..and a warning to me that it might be difficult. Still, it was a harsh reminder of how far things have come with me...

and the truth is...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being seen as less than I am because of what I weigh. I'm sick of not being seen as sexy, but only as intellectual. I'm proud of my brain, but damn it, a compliment now and then or being told I'm sexy certainly wouldn't hurt. I'm sick of my own excuses. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of it all...and more than a little angry. I'm angry at myself and in this journey, I've found that when I get angry, I make changes. There's nothing wrong with a good healthy anger so long as it's pointed in the right direction.

So tonight, I let it point me in the direction of the scale. No matter what number it said, I wasn't and I'm not beating myself up over it. It's a number. It's a starting point and it will change. The next time Rob sees me, he's going to see less of me. He's going to see less of me and maybe he won't notice, but I'll know and at the end of the day, it's my health and my life...

It's time to make some changes and tonight, I start with the first round. In no particular order, the following are happening:

  • I'll be weighing in each Monday morning to track my progress.
  • The last of the soda has been drank (the boys and I had the last of it for root beer floats earlier today) and I won't be buying any more.
  • Each morning I'll be filling my water bottle and each week, increasing the amount that I drink each day...starting with just one bottle and building my way up.
  • I've moved my medication to my bedside table so I have no excuse not to take it if I forget before coming up for the night. 
  • I'll be reaching out to friends who have lost quite a bit of weight for advice and recipes.
  • Starting next week, I'll be meal planning again to help get my eating habits back under control.
  • I have an idea for some exercise but it's still in the planning stages and I'm not quite ready to reveal what it is.
Not huge steps, but ones that keep me on the right path and that get me going again. I don't expect to drop 150 pounds overnight, but I do expect to drop it. I can do this. If there are those along the road who will help support me and encourage me, it would mean the world, but even if I'm in this alone, I know I can still do this.

Welcoming Weight Loss   © 2008. Template Recipes by Emporium Digital