From Chaos to Contained

From Chaos to Contained - My Mind, My Life

I sat down nearly two hours ago because I wanted to write here. The problem is that I had no idea what to write about. My brain kept circling around a problem that I'm having that I can't figure out a solution to and sadly, it's something that I can't really write about here. Then, inspiration struck!

Okay, that's dramatic. It's more like I was sitting on the couch, staring through my laptop as I tried to figure out what to write about and suddenly I remembered that my laptop has the sticky notes feature. I love this feature but somehow I go months without remembering that I have it. Tonight, I remembered and I figured out a way to make it work for me. Yay!

Last week, I wrote about my idea for "themed" days to help me focus on what needs to get done. In the time since, I've let the idea sit in the back of my head and not really done much with it. My oldest read my post and told me that he liked the idea and thought that it would really help. This week he's here with me and today we got to work on it. I spent the day working on various site(s) and hanging out with him. It was nice to get that stuff done, but I realized that my memory issues have been getting a bit dodgy lately and I kept feeling as if I were forgetting something I should be doing. Enter...the sticky notes!

The desktop on my laptop. I need to do an icon clean out!

I sat down at my laptop and created a sticky note for each theme. Then, on each one I listed the theme and any/all tasks that need to be completed on that day or for that project. The nice thing is that these are easily to make changes to if I need to and I can view them any time where I'm not sure what I should be doing. I plan on doing my weekly planning each weekend and whenever I sit down to do that, I'll be making sure that these are updated for the upcoming week.

Doing this tonight made me realize that chaos has crept into other areas of my world and so I'm going to be sitting down as soon as I can to work on a similar system for those areas. The one that my brain keeps coming back to is my writing. I need to finish Nevermore and then come up with a plan for future books. It's time that I stop flying so much by the seat of my pants and have a plan. I've always worked so much better that way, but for whatever reason, I have't applied my need for order to my writing. I need to work on that.  It's time to take the chaos that is my world and bring it back in order. It's time to go from chaos to contained ...a place for everything in my world and as much of it as possible in its place.

Sometimes the solutions to things are the very things staring you right in the face...

Changes Have to Happen

This sounds brave, right?

I promised all of you an update after I'd seen the doctor so I'm back! It didn't even take me two weeks! I know you're as proud of me as I am about that.

The appointment actually went really well. I intentionally set it with the nurse practitioner because she's a bit more laid back than my doctor. I guess even a couple of months ago I had my suspicions that my results this year were going to be a problem.

I went in and the first thing she touched on, of all things, was my birth control. I swear that there isn't one that doesn't have some sort of issue. After three years, I went off the depo shot because that's the limit before studies have shown bone density loss. I went onto the patch because I really do need something that's more set it and forget it. It turns out that there's a higher chance of blood clots with it so I need to watch for swelling, redness, and warmth in my legs. Really, a girl cannot win with these things.

After that, she touched on my cholesterol levels. While they've always been high, they jumped about 50 point in this past year. That's not really good. We discussed the idea of putting me on meds while I worked on the diet side, but the risk calculator didn't put me at a high enough risk that she felt it was worth it.

I talked to her about how I'd already started making small changes...like not buying chips or cookies anymore and making soda a treat and not a regular thing. She seemed impressed that I'd already started working on things. I also talked to her about how I'd lost weight in the past (Does anyone remember my Mamavation days?) and how I'd done it. We came to the conclusion that accountability seems to really work for me. She suggested getting involved in something like Diet Bet, but I don't really have the extra funds available right now. I really appreciated how she talked about how she'd done it with her sister over the winter. I never felt lectured which was such a relief.

I got through my pap smear, talked to her about how I think my allergies are affecting my one eye (and got something to try out for a couple of weeks to see if it helps), and came away with a reminder to schedule my mammogram and they're going to work on finding a surgeon that accepts my insurance (another issue for another post).

So, to recap. No leukemia. No liver failure. I'm not dying but I do have to make some diet and life changes.

The other day, I talked about some of the first steps in this process. Today, those steps seem so much more important because two people that I've known through my time in the comics industry have died in the past two days. Both of them had weight issues and while I don't know if those issues played a role in their deaths, I know that they probably didn't help.

I'm taking today to work on a meal plan for this coming week and to make a list of tools that I'm going to need to help. I know for sure that I need a new scale. My old one broke ages ago and while I have no intention of becoming obsessive about weighing in, I do need to do it about once a week to mark my progress. I'm also going to need a few things in the kitchen.

Remember how I mentioned accountability earlier? One of my friends and I have started a support group on Facebook. It's going to be a place where we can support each other, share tips, share recipes, and ask questions. It's all about working together for all of us to get healthier. If you'd like to join, you can find it at Welcoming Weight Loss. I'm also going to work on posting here more often and at the bottom of the posts, bringing back:

Previous Weight:
Current Weight:
Change in Weight:
Average Water Consumption:

It's going to take a while to build these habits, but every journey starts with a single step...or blog post.

Bullet Journal Therapy

How Something So Simple Has Kept Me Going

My Bullet Journal

That little black book is my bullet journal. It's also been the salvation to my sanity a few times lately and I wanted to share it with all of you. For those of you who don't know what a bullet journal is, check out this link and then come on back. Don't worry, I'll wait for you.

Back? Yay! I started mine back in May. I'd heard about them but every time I saw one, it seemed so beautiful and so expensive. I saw people talking about the huge orders they'd put in, etc. I live penny to penny around here so there just wasn't the funds to invest like other people seemed to be doing. Plus, I have ocd which leads to perfectionism which leads to "omg, I'm going to mess something up and then what?!?" Somehow though, I talked myself into just going down to Walmart and picking up whatever I could find. They didn't have the fancy dotted paper notebooks so I bought an artist's sketchbook without perforated pages. It was plain so I slapped some jeweled stickers on it and ta-da! my bullet journal was born. 

My Keys

 My first big task was to create the key. I spent a lot of time fussing over this before telling myself to just put pencil (and then pen) to paper and create it. If I hated it later, I didn't have to use it.

May Habit Tracker/When Did I Last

 Then, I decided that I didn't really want to do a monthly calendar. I use a Google calendar and I'm very much in the habit of checking and updating that. However, there are some habits that I really want to enforce, so I created a habit tracker and then on the opposite page, a page that lists things that I should be doing quarterly. When I do them, I can add in the date to help me to keep track.

Weekly Layout and 19 Things Before 2019

I do like the idea of a weekly layout though. It's a place that I can put all of the appointments but also add little things like...graduation stickers to celebrate my oldest's high school graduation. The 19 before 2019 is simply a list of goals that I'd like to achieve by the end of the year. I admit that it's coming along slowly and something I need to look at more often.

Another Weekly Layout

 This is another one of my weekly layouts. As you can see, there is a ton of blank space. That was bugging me but I did have fun adding stickers and even starting to doodle a little bit.

Writing Blocks

 Some of you may know that I'm a writer. I have a series that I've been working on with Nick Davis called The Tether Saga. Right now, I'm writing the last book in that series while also working on another book. I created these pages to keep track of my progress as well as any important notes that I needed to keep track of.

June Habit Tracker

 For June, I wanted to go with some kind of theme. I've seen some absolutely beautiful ones but I'm really not much of an artist. I found these ladybug stickers and decided to go with that along with a red/white/black theme. As you can see, I have some areas that I really need to work on but I'm getting better in others. I know it will take time and I'm trying to be patient with myself.

Savings Tracker

 Even though I have next to no income right now, I do have things that I really need/want to get. The one item that should be on here but isn't is new memory for my laptop so that I can keep posting and writing. That's $70. Anyway, I thought that a tracker might help keep it in front of me so that when I did have a few extra dollars (or someone donated to my Ko-Fi), I could set it aside to go towards one of these things.

Weekly Layout

See my ladybugs? I really enjoy this theme and even tried to do a bit of doodling by adding laundry to that laundry basket.

Zone Cleaning

 Some of you know that I have hoarding issues. I think I've written about it here. I decided what might help me to become less overwhelmed is to come up with a zone cleaning schedule that I could put into place once I'm done de-junking the house. This is the first two pages of it.

Zone Cleaning - Cleaning Quotes

 This is the second page along with a page of quotes. I love the fact that I did all of this by hand and even the untidiness of the quote page has started to grow on me. It was my first real challenge of just doing it without drawing it all in using a pencil first and while it's sloppy feeling, I kind of love it.

House Projects Layout

 So, to be able to get to use the zone cleaning layouts, these are the tasks that have to get finished inside of the house. As you can see, it's not a small list, but I've broken it down into what I'm hoping are manageable sections.

Outdoor Projects Layout

 As you can see, I have a ton of outside projects that really need to happen as well. I'm hoping to find a couple of days soon where neither of my boys have to work and the weather isn't too terrible so that we can go out and tackle that barn. It's a huge one but it will also make a huge difference.

Weekly Layout

 Just another weekly layout. I discovered that my stickers were too puffy and it was messing with the pages so I drew these ladybugs. I think they turned out okay.

Daily Routines - Social Media Tracker

 Routines can be really helpful once I get into them and stick with them. Just ask me what I'm doing on Mondays and the answer is always the same. I've gotten into that habit/routine. Now, I'm working on building up my morning and before bedtime routines to help find more stability. The other page is to track my social media goals. Connections are so important to me not just because as a writer, I need readers, but also because they remind me daily that I'm not alone in this world or on this journey.

Self-Care Ideas

 I know that we've all heard how important self-care is. I also know that when you probably need it the most is just when you can't think of a single thing. So, on a good day, I made this layout with different ideas of things that I could do. It actually came in handy today when I saw it and reminded myself that it was okay to spend some time offline and curled up with a book.

45 Random Acts of Kindness

 At my son's graduation a few weeks ago, the keynote speaker talked about Return on Investment and how it's important not only to invest in ourselves, but perhaps, more importantly, in others. This really struck a chord with me because it's important to me to make this world a better place for those around me. It's part of the reason that I write about my own struggles. I want others to see that they aren't alone. These are 45 acts of kindness that I want to complete far before I turn 45.

Healthy Snacks - Movies To Watch

 As part of my "I really need to take better care of me" thought process, I thought it'd be good to make a list of healthier snacks. Don't get me wrong, Doritos are delicious, but they probably aren't what I should be eating on a regular basis. On the other side of this, I posted a question on Facebook asking my friends to name one movie that they think I should see. Then, I put them onto the little movie tickets and as I see each one, I'm coloring it in.

Last Weekly Layout

Remember how I said that I felt like my other weekly layouts were leaving just too much blank space? This week, I've tried this layout and I like it so much better! It gives me space to create weekly goals and to jot down notes and even things that I need to pick up at the store! I think I'm going to stick to this style for a while.

Books I've Read

I've always been told that a good writer should read as much as they write. I probably read a good bit more than I write (I need to work on that!) but I've always been a voracious reader. This layout gives me a chance to keep track of what I've read throughout the year. I need to add another couple of books to it and then draw in some more blank ones.

That's my bullet journal so far. I know that this is one looooong post so if you made it this far, thank you! I hope that you can see the different ways that I'm using my journal to help with not just my daily life, but the bad days that sometimes come along with PTSD and Bipolar 2. I know that there will be days when I just want to give up because it feels impossible. I've had one or two of those since I started working on this and when I've flipped through this book and realized that I've done this..I doodled and spent hours with a ruler and came up with this ...it's been a great reminder that if I can create this, maybe I can keep going and create something a little better for me and those around me. 

If you create one for yourself, please leave me a comment or track me down on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I would love to hear about it and see pictures!

Back to Basics

Image courtesy of M Corp

Hi all! I hope everyone has been doing well. I've been a bit up and down lately but that's par for the course. I did have a huge upset last week though and that's the "inspiration" for this post.

A couple of weeks ago, my coolant temperature light came on while I was taking my youngest to a performance. We were right by the venue, so I parked and when we drove home, it didn't happen. In fact, it didn't happen for another two weeks. This time, however, it happened driving home and then again the following day. I stopped and added coolant. A week later (my car wasn't driven during that time), I took my car up to the mechanic who told me to make an appointment at another shop to have a dye test run on the system. Fast forward to Tuesday of the following week when the dye test showed that I had a badly blown head gasket. Cost to repair? $2000.

If you know me, you can only imagine my emotional and mental state after hearing that. Money and being without a car are major panic issues for me. I called my own mechanic and he said that I should scrap the car. It had 183k miles on it and it just wasn't worth the investment. While my brain agreed, the rest of me was freaking out. I have to have a car. You can't live where I do without one. The closest grocery store is at least 15 miles away.

After doing some research, the decision was made to replace the car. I sat in my HHR and I cried. I loved that car. I also get very emotionally attached to things like cars. I don't know why. It's just how I am. We spoke to the guy who owns the shop where I go for repairs and he said he had two cars available that he'd be willing to finance for me: a Dodge Caliber and a Chevy Aveo. I was interested in the Caliber and decided to go down and look at it. Just before I pulled out of the driveway, I got a phone call. They had taken the Caliber down to be washed and smoke came out of the dash. It was obviously no longer available. That left me with two choices: hope and pray that I could keep driving the HHR and not end up stranded on the side of the road somewhere or get the Aveo.

I now own the Aveo. I now own a car so far back in the dark ages of vehicle technology that the windows have hand cranks on them. There's no cruise control or electric locks. It is going back to basics.

It got me to thinking though. Maybe, at different points in our lives, we need to go back to basics. We get so wrapped up in so many things that it becomes overwhelming. Maybe if we stopped, took a few deep breathes, and went back to the basics of life, it would be better for us. Recently, I've started taking weekends to not work on work. I hang out with my kids and if they aren't here, I read a book (or two or three) or watch movies that I keep meaning to watch but "never have the time for." It isn't about neglecting anything, but about making sure that I have as much energy and gumption to handle the coming week as possible.

I hate the fact that basic has taken on the almost opposite meaning in today's culture. Listen, folks, I'm all about being basic right now and it has nothing to do with the latest Starbucks drink (though I do like to have a bit of adventure and try them out) or whatever else is mainstream at the moment. It's all about dialing it back, about not pushing myself to the breaking point, it's about taking care of me and taking care of mine.

Have you considered going back to basics at all? Let me know!

Self-Care Is Not Selfish Care

Wow...the best laid plans of mice and men... Just as I got on a little roll writing posts that meant a lot to me, I got sick. For those who have followed along here or know me, you know that I have mediocre health it seems. My youngest child has informed me that I have the worst immune system of anyone he knows. I thought he was being silly until I started noticing on my "On This Day" Facebook thing how often I mentioned being sick. Geez, my body needs to get its act together!

So, anyway, I got sick and not just a little sick. I caught this year's influenza bug and it laid me out for two solid weeks. The coughing got so bad that I was having to use a rescue inhaler and couldn't talk without ending up gasping for air. Thank goodness, I'm better now. I still have zero stamina but I'm not coughing myself straight through the couch anymore!

Oddly enough, that's almost the perfect introduction to this post. Being sick is hard. Being sick when you're the person that takes care of others and who is constantly busy. Just because I'm sick doesn't meant that my boys no longer need/want their mom around. That's what my mom brain tells me. "They have a game tonight. I have to be there. That's my job as mom." Well, it turns out that they a) think I'm more important than a basketball game and b) don't want to catch my disease. (Those are both courtesy of my oldest.)

I felt really bad about missing things until he reminded me that it's important for me to get healthy. All of my time on the couch got me thinking about how important self-care really is. If I don't take care of myself, I get rundown and then I get sick (again) and I can't take care of the boys or do any of the things that I enjoy doing. If I don't have downtime now and again, I get wound so tight that I become unfocused and useless.

The problem, or one of them, is that I'm not really good at self-care. I get so busy with the boys' schedules and with all of the things I'm sure I *have* to do that I just let taking care of me slide. Heck, "the man" used to tell me all the time that I suck at taking care of myself. Luckily, he agrees that I've gotten better. I had to get more "me-centric". I had to stop worrying so much about the rest of the world and say, "Hey, what do I need today?" It's not easy. It's been a challenge and sometimes I still really suck at it.

The other challenge? What is self-care? Is it taking a shower? Putting clean sheets on the bed? Doing my nails? Reading a book? Coloring? Brushing out and braiding my hair so it isn't a tangled mess? It turns out that it's all of the above. While searching the internet, I came across these graphics which I found incredibly helpful and want to share with you guys!

https://www.chawisconsin.org/selfcare/

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/self-care-master-post-ideas-inspiration-more

Aren't those great? I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be referencing them on the days where I just feel stuck. I hope that they help some of you, as well! I'm also considering bringing back a segment that I used to do over on Life With Katie called Time For Me Thursday. It was a weekly post (duh, right?) where I talked about different things that you could do or that I was doing to take care of yourself/myself. It certainly can't hurt to nudge me to take care of me or to remind you that you too are important.

For now, I'm off for a late lunch and then to go see my youngest perform in his first jazz concert of the season! Take care, everyone!

Random Thoughts

Well, it's been about a month since I last posted and I've spent quite a bit of that month scrambling from one thing to the next. The youngest and I spent almost a week down in Indianapolis trying to take in the craziness that is Gen Con. Holy crow that's a lot of walking and it reminded me that I need to get some good nursing shoes or something that is made for folks who are on their feet all day long. It was a great bonding time with him and we brought back quite a bit for the high school gaming group to try out.

Then, as soon as we got back, it was the mad dash to get both boys ready to go back to their dad's as well as back to school. Did I mention that there was a football game plus practices that week as well? Utter insanity.

Now, the boys are back at their dad's and we're all working on adjusting to the new schedules that each school year brings. It's been tough because they've had two four day weeks so far which makes everything off by at least a day. I'm looking forward to next week when we have a full week of school and I can really focus on building a new day to day schedule for myself.

Monday will always be site work day for me. It's the day that I work on Geek-o-Rama. Speaking of which, if you're interested in reviewing comics, get in touch with me. We need one or two new folks into the mix.

Tuesdays - I'd like to make this book day. I'm so far behind on book 2 of The Tether Saga and I really need to get back to it.

Wednesday - Free day. A day where I can have a bit of downtime, tackle any projects that I want to. Not necessarily lazy day but a day where I'm not tied down to one thing.

Thursday - Education day. Nick is an absolutely marvelous partner in the books but I want to do more to help ensure their success. I have books I want to read, podcasts to listen to, and things I want/need to learn to turn this into more than just a dream.

Friday - Finish it Friday - The day I take all of the things that got started that week and wrap them up.

This is my basic outline that I have so far. There are a lot of details to fill in...like sporting events, band rehearsals, concerts..Oh, and my youngest is auditioning next month for a jazz orchestra and wants to add private lessons back in. After almost two years at the place he was going, he decided that he wasn't really learning anything there that he wasn't teaching himself so he quit. The new place is a 45 minute drive away but is with someone who charges less and is actively playing. There are a lot of details to figure out. He may get his driver's license soon...though that depends upon him finding a job and while lots of places are saying they're hiring, nobody is getting callbacks. If that happens, it will help because he'll be able to get himself places.

I also need to build in time for some sort of exercise, even if it's just walking, and proper meal planning. My physical health needs to be a part of my healthier me plan for sure.

So, there we have it. A rough outline of what I'd like to turn my daytime into. I essentially have from when I get up until 2pm every day to make this happen. Fingers crossed that I slide into it relatively easily and things start getting done around here.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Where do we go from here?

Hi all! It's been a really rocky couple of weeks but the depression is lifting and I had a bit of a revelation the other day. I'm going to leave that for a post of its own though. Today I want to update everyone on where I am with things.

Let's start with the basic health stuff. I spent 2 phone calls and a total of about 40 minutes on the phone today with my insurance company. I had some questions and eventually, I got some answers. It just took 2 phone calls and 40 minutes..heh.. I'll save you 40 minutes and give you a quick rundown:
Mammogram: 3D mammograms are covered and I now have this scheduled for next week. I'm not excited but it needs to be done so I might as well get it done.

Therapy: I get 20 therapy visits per calendar year and that number resets on January 1st. It doesn't seem like a lot but I guess it does come out to about 2 per month. I'm still on the fence about going to therapy and what type I should pursue but it's good to know that it will be covered if I decide to seek it out. Of course, I did forget to find out if they have a provider listing. That's another call for another day, I guess.

Weight Loss: For the past couple of years, my doctor has wanted to send me to the local hospital to pursue the option of weight loss surgery. More and more lately, I've come to realize that I need some guidance and some accountability. I don't seem to be able to do it on my own. I've beat myself up over this time and time again. People say that I'm strong, etc but I can't seem to do this. Enough. Sometimes we all need help and I shouldn't feel any amount of shame for that. If you're someone who feels the need to shame me or anyone else, feel free to also find the door.

I was given quite a bit of information...my insurance will cover the surgery if I meet the following criteria:

• Co-morbid BMI of at least 40
• Having been in a medical weight management program for 6 months and to have lost 10% of my body weight in that 6 months. The program has to have been within the past 2 years.
• Documentation of having seen a dietary consultant.
• Documentation of having had a psychosocial evaluation.

The only medical weight management program that they'll cover is Weight Watchers. To get into that, I have to make an appointment with my doctor's office, go in, and have a special form filled out that I also have to sign saying that I'm committing to the program. Then:

• They'll review the form and if approved will send me a welcome packet that will tell me where and when the meetings are.
• I have to attend at least 10 meetings in a 12 week session.
• At the end of the 12 week session, I have to fax in a copy of my progress sheet and the weight loss record.
• If I've lost at least 5% of my body weight during that time and they approve it, I can then do another 12 week session.

If I go through both 12 week sessions, that will count as the 6 months in a weight management program. At that point, I could go to the hospital program which would cover the other criteria. I don't know that I want to have surgery and I know that it's not an immediate cure all. I'm actually glad that there are hoops that must be jumped through. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of summer with the boys and continue to work on the little changes like water intake and trying to make sure that I'm in bed and asleep by a certain time. I'm also considering making a medication change. As some of you know, I've been off my anti-depressants for about two years now. I'm very seriously considering going back on them for a set amount of time so that I can determine whether or not they help me. It's a decision that I'm putting a lot of thought into. 

I could keep writing but it's about time for me to get around and take my oldest son to work. If anyone has any information about the current Weight Watchers program, I would love to hear about it. 

Until next time...

Going Down

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since I was at the doctor's office. I think that was about two weeks ago. I suppose I could check, but the time really doesn't matter. What matters is that today, even though I'm having a bad brain, really tired kinda day, I climbed the two sets of stairs up to the community center weight room and I stepped onto that scale. Of course, I had to fiddle with it because you always have to fiddle with the ones where you slide the things across to get your weight.

I was nervous at first because my first real goal that I set was to get below 300 pounds and since 300 is the top of the bottom slider thing and I can never figure out which direction to move the other slider thing, I tend to freak myself out a little bit. Too many years of either nurses doing it or digital scales have caused us to lose certain abilities? Okay, I probably never had that ability to begin with and now I'm just chattering so let's move along...

300 had the bar just sitting there so I moved it to 250 and then started fussing with the top one. Maybe after a while more of doing this it will be a faster process but it took me a minute or two until I got that darn bar balanced and not thwapping itself down. The result? 297. Yep. By simply monitoring my food intake over the past month, I have gone from 318 down to 297. 21 pounds. Not bad for the girl whose doctor told her a year ago that it was impossible for her to lose weight by herself and told her that she should seriously consider weight loss surgery.

Did I eat perfectly during that? Nope. I had one or two days where I went over the calorie amount set for me by the My Fitness Pal app. I honestly haven't stepped foot on the treadmill in probably a month simply because finding any spare time is impossible at this point. My food choices? Not the healthiest but I have started cooking again slowly and I have been honest with myself about what I'm eating and drinking. No hiding things from the app and therefore from myself.

I also haven't made a big deal about my attempts this time. I don't post about it on Facebook or even talk about it outside of a couple of people. Yes, these posts do go up over on my fan page and to my personal page, but I don't draw attention to them. Is this important? It is to me. I needed to prove to myself that even though it would be harder, I could do this on my own. I know that people are there if I have questions or need support, but I want to do this as much on my own as possible. I need to show myself that I am capable of will power and of learning what I need to learn.

So now that I've made my first goal, I have to decide what's next. For me, it's a continuation of my current goals... track my eating habits, learn from them, work on my water intake (always a tough one for me), and yes, there's a new weight goal. 290. Yep, only 7 pounds, but that's how I'm doing this...one pound, two pounds, ten pounds at a time. I have a long way to go and there's no need to freak myself out by looking at the big number. I'll get there and maybe in a year or so, I'll be able to say that I'm on my last 10 pounds to get to that number. Until then though, it's babysteps and little goals.

Steps...

Long time no write and I don't feel a lick guilty about it. It's been a busy month and the past two weeks have found me taking more steps than I thought I was ready for. Still, life doesn't wait for you to take the steps. You have to take that deep breath (or ten) and put one foot in front of another.

I haven't done this alone. As I take each step I seem to find someone who steps up beside me and tells me that they believe in me and that I've got this.

It started with Nick. He looked me in the eyes and asked me what was stopping me...that stuck with me for days after he asked. What was it that was stopping me? The answer, once I dug past all of the excuses, was simple. Fear. Fear is the only thing holding me back. As he would say, I was getting in my own way.

Then, it was Ben. Yep, my kiddo. He works in the community center three days a week and he made it clear to me that he expects me to be on that treadmill sometime during his one hour shift. It doesn't matter how long I'm on it, what matters to him is that I climbed those two flights of stairs and I got on there and I walked.

Today, it was Joel. Joel had a crappy childhood and suffers from some of the same issues I do. I texted him to tell him about my treadmill accident today and after making sure that I was okay (I am.I'll fill you in on what happened in just a bit.), we started talking about diet and food. We both have food issues. He encouraged me to start journaling what I eat each day. This is something that I've put off. Why? Fear. It always comes down to fear and the fact that I'm my own worst enemy and I was scared that if it were there in black and white, I would spend a lot of time beating myself over making bad choices. Joel told me today that he believes in Katie and her stubbornness. It made me smile and it also made me pause and think. I am horribly stubborn at times and I've been using that in the wrong direction or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I've let my fears use it.

So, today I came home and I installed MyFitnessPal on my phone. Since I had to confirm my email, I spent some time on the laptop looking at the app, putting in all the information and then blinked at the screen at the number of calories I should be eating every day so that I lose about a pound each week. Then, I put in my little bit of walking and the few things I had eaten today.

...We're going to tangent just for a minute, then I promise I'll get back to the app....

I have three food modes. The first is where I barely eat. Today was one of those days. The second is where I can't seem to stop eating. The third is where I eat normally. There's not always a rhyme or reason why any day is what it is.

.......

And we're back! So, I put in the 3 food items that I ate today and discovered that I'm still 1818 calories short for the day. That seems like a heck of a lot and I'll be honest, I'm not going to make an attempt at forcing them in. I'm going to eat dinner, enter that, and see where I'm at. This is going to be a learning tool so that I can see what's worth what and what my tendencies are. I need a brain change. Instead of looking at things as if it's not enough or I'm failing, I need to look at it as if I'm teaching myself what's okay and what's not okay. It's not something I grew up learning and as Nick would tell me, it's time I put my big brain to work for me.

So, what are these steps?

1. Three days a week, I'm going to get on the treadmill where Ben works.
2. I'm going to go back to watching my water intake (time to kill that whole chronic dehydration thing.
3. I'm going to track my food intake and see where I can make changes.
4. I'm going to continue menu planning and working on sticking with it.
5. When the weather isn't trying to kill us and Roger is here, we're going to walk around the village pokemon hunting.

There's nothing so big there that I can't do it and even if it takes time to gather data and make additional changes, these steps are pointing me in the right direction.

Oh! I almost forgot. I promised to tell you about my treadmill accident...

Today, I climbed up onto the treadmill, set my pace (I'm working at about a 2.1 right now, built up from 1.8) and started walking. Here's where the fun began. Have you ever seen those stop sign shaped things with the clip attached to them that are usually by the actual stop button? Well, as I'm walking, the clip is swinging and it must have snagged on me somehow because the next thing I know, the treadmill has come to a dead stop and I nearly face plant into the front of it. Turns out that's the emergency stop magnet and when it comes off, everything stops. Sadly, my leg hadn't stopped and I wrenched my knee.  It didn't seem too bad so I put the magnet back, made sure it wasn't going anywhere and walked another .55 miles (in addition to my whopping .04) before I decided the knee was getting worse and tightening up so I quit, stood there with sweat dripping off me (did I mention the weight room isn't air conditioned?) and talked to Ben for a minute before working my way back down those two blasted sets of stairs to relax for while in the air conditioning until Ben got done with work. As of right now, it's sore but I suspect that by Wednesday it's going to be okay enough to get back on there and see if I can't get up to an average speed of 2.2 (2.5 is considered a leisurely pace so I'm still on the moving slow side) and go a bit longer.

See? I have goals! What a crazy feeling..I'm taking control back. I'm stepping out of my self created prison and I'm moving forward...one step at a time..or in today's case, one limp at a t

Still Kicking

I bet you'd just about given up on me, but don't. I'm still here. Life got incredibly busy once school started and on top of that, when I started back on my medication, I got nailed with the insomnia side effect. I could live with that except this is highly specialized. I fall asleep just fine, but I can't seem to sleep for more than 3 hours at any point. I'll be honest. It's left me incredibly tired and things around here have been slipping some.

Still, it's not been all bad. I'm happy to say that I've done well giving up soda. I think it's been about a month since I've had more than a mouthful. I haven't switched totally to water, but I'm certainly getting more in than I was before. I'm certainly a work in progress, but for the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm worth the work.

There's a long way to go. I'd like to lose somewhere around 160 pounds or more before this journey is done, but I know that day by day, I can do this. I'm not rushing things. I'm taking tiny baby steps. My doctor won't be happy because it's not her pace, but that's life. I have to do this how it works for me or I'm just setting myself up for failure.

So, what's the next step? I've cut out the soda and I've actually gotten much better about eating breakfast each morning. Those were my first two goals. My next goal continues with the drinks line. I'm going to work on making things like sweetened teas (bottled varieties) a rare treat not a regular part of my diet while at the same time, continuing to increase my water intake. I'd like to get back up to the point where I'm drinking about 100 ounces of water a day. I have my water bottle. I just have to keep filling it and drinking it. I have the tools, now it's up to me to do the work.

At this point, I have no idea what I'm weighing in at so I don't know if anything I've done has made a change weight wise. I need to get a new scale. It seems that mine has given up. Still, I know that the decisions that I'm making may not create immediate changes, but they're good for me in the long term.

....and most importantly....I can do this.

Moving Slow

This week's post is brought to you by the letter S, the number 7 and this turtle. Why? Because this week was slow, there are 7 days in a week and he's just handsome. How could you deny him the desire to bring you a blog post?

This week was a tough week. I scheduled my sinus/tonsil surgery and along with that came a ton of anxiety that I wasn't expecting. I've come through other surgeries and took care of myself afterward just fine, so why should this one be any different? I'm guessing it's because the surgeon keeps telling me that I need someone with me until I'm enough off the pain meds that I can drive myself. She's shoved it hard into my head and knowing that I'm going to be alone, in a hotel room, now has my anxiety levels through the roof. With high anxiety came me not focusing on where I should have been.

I honestly have no idea how much I drank. Our pipes are still frozen, though thankfully, the bathroom sink seems to have partially thawed so we do have water again. It made it difficult which meant I didn't bother. My eating habits were..well, let's just say not so great though they were perhaps better than they might have been in the past.

I stepped onto the scale this morning, honestly inspecting a gain. I was pleasantly surprised at a teeny tiny loss..and when I say tiny, I really do mean tiny. However, I'll take it. It really serves as a good, strong reminder that even babysteps are better than no steps at all. I'm happy to report that I topped off my water bottle again this morning and have been drinking from it. I also made sure that I had breakfast again.

I've been told forever that skipping meals is bad so one of the changes that I've made is to make sure that I get in three meals every day. Last week, I did pretty good with that, but I did miss a few here and there. This week, I'm going to try to do better.

One thing that helps is that I now have my friend Rob backing me. Rob, who I hope to someday get to write a guest post here, has lost an amazing amount of weight and let me tell you folks, the man looks amazing now. I am beyond proud of him and having him in my corner helps a lot. He's one of the few people in my world that I know won't lie to me, even if it's going to suck beyond belief. Today, he told me that he believes I can do this. I know that if I feel stuck or frustrated, I can go to him and say argh! and he'll point me in the right direction...or knowing him, give me a big 'ol shove.

I've told myself and others that I can do this. I don't need fancy gadgets (not that I'd turn one down, but I can't afford them) or personal trainers or dieticians or anything like that. All I need is me and the will and desire to do this. That doesn't mean that I'm going to turn down any help I can get or that having a cheering section is a bad thing. Support is a major help in anything that we choose to do in life. I'm so glad to have those who are willing to say, "Hey, have you had your water today?" or "Hey, I'm so proud of you for not giving up." I'm even glad to have those that say, "Hey, stop slacking and get your ass in gear."

I may be a tiny turtle taking his very first slow steps in the world, but I'm taking those steps..

Starting Weight: --------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -.2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: -4.6 pounds
Daily Water Average: ?????

Weekly goals:

• 2 bottles of water each day (48oz)
• Skating on Sunday (and if I'm insane, maybe Saturday too)

My Final Mamavation Monday Post

Sometimes in life you hold onto things because you want them to be the way they were. You figure that if you hold on long enough, everything will go back to being ok.  Then one day, something happens and you wake up and realize that's just not the reality of life. Sometimes in life, you have to move on. It's not necessarily because you don't care anymore. Sometimes it's because things have changed and they can never go back to being what they were.

Sadly, today is one of those days. Today, I am officially leaving the Mamavation group. When I first joined the group, nearly 2 years ago, it was a smaller group and everyone was really supportive of one another. It really was like a band of sisters working together to help each other get healthier and to lose weight. Over time, as the group grew, that support dwindled off. It may have been because the group got too big for us to be there for one another like we were previously. It may be because life knocked a few of the most supportive on our asses and we were fighting to be ok ourselves and didn't have the energy to be there like we had been. It could have been any number of things or a combination of a lot of things.

What matters is that the group changed. The dynamic changed. When my life fell apart, I turned to the leadership of this group and their response was pretty much, "Well good luck with that." This wasn't the reaction I was expecting, not from the people who I not only looked up to but thought were my friends. However, I took a deep breath and told myself, 'Ok, what you're dealing with is hard for people to know what to say. Maybe it's not a lack of support, but a lack of knowing how to help.'

When things started to balance back out, I eased my way back into the group. What I picked up on was a tension that hadn't been there before. Not only tension but pressure. I'll be honest and say that I considered not rejoining but some women were there that I dearly love and wanted to help support. Even after today, a few of those women will still be there and I hope that they realize that I am still their friend and still want to support them, but the group just isn't for me anymore.

Today, I was unfriended and blocked by the woman who owns and runs the group. There was no reason for it. I hadn't posted anything to her wall or publicly posted anything negative regarding her or the group. What I did do was post on a private group that she is not a part of that I hadn't felt the support that I needed within the Mamavation group. I am dismayed that someone took the time and effort to copy and paste a private groups conversation and sent it off to someone not within the group. However, I am even more dismayed that the group who has made it their official policy* that if there is an issue with leadership, they are required to go and try to talk to that person, has a leader who unfriended and blocked me without any explanation or conversation with me regarding this. Hypocrisy sucks.

Now, before anyone calls me out for not running to leadership whining that people weren't supporting me, let me make this clear. My issues originally weren't with leadership. Heck, for a while, I was a part of leadership. It wasn't until I stopped busting my butt because my butt was needed elsewhere that I started seeing the flaws. They weren't 100% the fault of leadership and I felt that leadership was doing their best with a rapidly growing group. Plus, let's face it. There were other places to get support..namely within myself because at the end of the day, the person I'm doing this for is me and not any group.

This week would have marked my first appearance back at Mamavation tv. I was going to dive back into the group and support as many as I could and work harder at being healthier. Then, this happened. Sadly, I cannot be a member of a group whose leader has rejected me for doing absolutely nothing wrong. So, this is it. My official farewell to Mamavation. I didn't want to go but I've been forced out. It makes me sad to know that I will no longer be a part of a group that had such amazing potential. However, I walk away knowing that I will remain friends with the true friends that I made within the group. I also walk away knowing that there will be those who unfriend me, block me and/or never speak to me again once I hit post on this.

So, for those of you who have been there on my very winding and bumpy journey, thank you. I hope that you will continue to stop in and say hi and leave your words of encouragement. If you would like me to stop by your site, just let me know and I'll add you to our friends of the site section so that I have a reminder. I'm not going to stop caring about anyone simply because I'm leaving the group.

This also doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying to be healthier. It's no great secret that I've more than fallen off the horse. I fell off the horse and got run over by the hay wagon it was hauling. It's ok though. Each day is a new day and a new opportunity and I know that I can do this if I really want it. So, I'll be here and I'll be posting. It might not be every week or only on Mondays, but I'm not quitting and I hope that those of you who do read here won't quit on me either.

*When you join the group, they have you sign a contract agreeing to this. I never signed it.

Mamavation Monday: A Change in Habits

Another couple of weeks have gone by and I haven't stopped in to say hi. I could have. I should have. I have no excuse. Last week I sat here staring at the screen and I had no idea what to say. Something happened in my life that stopped me in my tracks. I won't go into detail here simply because posting about it publicly gives someone power who doesn't deserve it. They have no power over me. Their words are just that. They're words and I am stronger than that. So, I sat quiet and I grew stronger and I came through the other side and now I'm here again. 

I've had this graphic  for a while now and from time to time, I pull it out to remind me that no matter what anyone has ever said about me, I am the one who is the creator of me. Nobody gets to make me into anything. Not anymore. I am stronger than that. My weight seems to have become an issue for folks lately. I can count at least three times within the past two weeks where someone has mentioned it. The first time was to be cruel. The second was as a character description in a story and the most recent was to use me as a comparison to someone else. In the past, this would have crushed me. I'm stronger than that though. My weight can change. It can change but I have to make the changes. Nobody can do them for me. This is my body and my life and I can do this. 

I am lucky enough to know that I'm not alone out there in making these changes. Through Mamavation and other avenues in my life, I have met people who have lost huge amounts of weight, people who are trying to lose weight and people who are all over their paths to weight loss and healthier lives. 

One of those people, I met via my "day job" as a comic book reviewer. Sometimes you find people in what feels like the most unlikely of places and you become friends. I'm lucky enough that I get to call Keith Thomas a friend. I'm also lucky enough that he's allowing me to share this excerpt from his upcoming book. When I read it, I grinned because this is just so him. I also related to this post (does that make me a lesbian, Keith? or at least bi?) and knew that so many of you would as well. Remember though, you are in charge of your life and your choices. Wendy is a big girl (no pun intended) and can take care of herself. It's your job to take care of yourself.

Dear Wendy, 

We have known each other for many years but it has recently come to my attention in light of my recent pursuit of a better me, that our relationship has never truly been mutually beneficial. I have tried to fill the emptiness of my life with your tasty charms and chocolaty frosty wiles. In the end, all you've really done is taken my money and left me with potential heart aches such 

as cholesterol and weight.

My dependency upon you has spilled over and beyond, for in times that you were not near me, I satisfied myself by visiting the King, the Colonel and sometimes even that Clown down the street. This has brought my attention to the fact that you are not a love, dear Wendy, but an addiction. One that must be let go of and cast aside. You will tempt me no more with your delicious juiciness nor your cheesy smile you little harlot. Even though you encompass the three defining traits I love most in women, you are always available, cheap and easy, we are through.

Don't cry little girl, it's not you, it's me. I know that sounds cliche and maybe even childish but it's true. At first you may miss me, but with a population obesity rate of about 70%, you will find another like me soon.

Your former slave,
Keith

(A small excerpt from my forthcoming book about how I've changed my life, The Vanishing Elephant. There is no ETA at this time for the book's completion as it is a work in progress.)

If you're friends with Keith, you've seen some pretty humorous back and forth retorts between Wendy and Keith. I think that the poor girl really is going to miss him. Just remember though..that when it comes to your diet the slogan Have It Your Way doesn't mean you have to hit a drive through on your way home. Your way can be whatever you want for it to be.

Giveaway: Sportline Pedometer

Hi all! I don't know how many of you noticed but not so long ago, we here at Welcoming Weight Loss received our very own domain! Ok, we didn't receive it. We actually purchased it. We're still super excited about it though!

We are so excited that we're going to give all of you a chance to win something that will help in your weight loss and fitness goals. It's a Sportline Pedometer. Walking and movement is so important in being healthy and we thought this little gadget would be the best way to inspire and motivate you to keep on moving! It's going to keep track of those steps and so much more. According to the packaging, this little baby has 15 functions. 15! Some of them include:

1) Counts Steps
2) Tracks calories-burned
3) 7 day memory recall
4) Displays in English or metric standards
5) Measures distance

Pretty cool, huh? I bet you want to know how to win it, don't you? Well, I guess then I had better tell you.

Mandatory Entry:
Leave a comment telling me your biggest weight loss or fitness challenge & how you're going to achieve your goals despite that.

Bonus Entries:

1. Follow us on Google Friend Connect
2. Follow us on Networked Blogs
3. Subscribe to our feed
4. Comment on any other non-giveaway post (easy since this is our first giveaway!) - Max 5 comments
5. Tweet about our giveaway. (Please leave a link to your tweet in your comment.) - Max 10 Tweets
6. Write a blog post about our giveaway. (Please leave a link to your post in your comment.)

Ok, if I did that right, there should be a maximum of 20 entries per person. That's a lot of chances to win! Now, for the fine print:

This giveaway will close at 11:59pm on Monday, September 5th and the winner will be contacted via email. If the winner does not respond by Friday, September 9th, a new winner will be drawn and contacted. This contest is open to all people in the United States and Canada. It is also open to all contributors of Welcoming Weigh Loss, except for Katie, since she's the one sponsoring the giveaway.