Monday, July 9, 2012

Mamavation Monday : Taking Ownership

Only I hold the key to my life.
Do you ever feel as if you have no idea who you are anymore? That's where I've been for the past month or so. When my grandma died, I felt as if one of the very last things holding me to this planet was gone. I wrote last week about my depression and this week might be a branch off of that.

You see, I sat here in tears one night and all I could think was who am I? Almost all my life, I've lived under titles. I was Millie's granddaughter, Peter's wife (or ex-wife), Ben and Roger's mom, but who was I under all of that? I realized that I honestly didn't know. I knew that if I asked those closest to me, I would get a laundry list of adjectives. People would say that I was kind, loyal, funny, smart and a variety of other things. The thing is, that's what people saw me as. Who was I? Who am I?

This led to my 28 days of all about me decision. When I started this part of my journey, I had 28 days left until I went to Phoenix to visit friends. I made the decision and a public declaration (Ok, it was on Facebook.) that for the next 28 days, I wasn't going to take on a single outside project. I would be there for my friends, but to please not approach me asking me for help with anything that would be more than a conversation. For this time period, I would only be doing things for me, my children or our home.

It's been 10 days since I made that decision and in 10 days, I haven't lifted a finger for anyone else. I hope that this doesn't sound selfish but this is really what I needed and those who love me, understand. They know I'm only a phone call, text or im away but for now, I'm not volunteering my time. Do you know what I discovered? When I'm not living my life for everyone else, there is suddenly time for things like cleaning and laundry. There is time for me to read review copies and write my posts. I discovered that I really do love to learn and so I started studying Irish again. Not only that, but I'm reading an autobiography.

Do you know what else I've done? I've stood up for myself. It made me laugh when two of my friends actually cheered for me when I did this, but suddenly I realized how much I've let my fear of being alone affect how I sometimes allow people to treat me. So, the other night when someone implied that I was a bad person or more accurately that I was doing something morally wrong with my life, I reacted differently. I will admit that for a couple of hours I felt really bad, but then something happened. I got angry. I got angry and I said no. I am not a bad person. I am smart and kind and nice and a good person. I got angry and I said that if people honestly couldn't handle how I live my life, they can choose to not be a part of my life. I stood up for me.

This is good. This is me discovering that deep down, I honestly believe that I'm worthy of being treated right. I'm worthy of being treated right not only by those that I allow in my life (discovery moment: I get to choose!) but also by myself. A friend joked a couple of weeks ago about getting me drunk and having I Am Important tattoed on my forehead. I said you'd add the words to others in there, right? He said no because it's more important that you be important to yourself. He's right. I need to matter to me. So, as another friend told me..This is more than a path of self-discovery. This is you learning to take ownership of your own life.



Katie, that's exactly the sort of thing I was talking about. You decide who is worthy of YOU and friendships will feel more genuine and easier to maintain.

*hugs* Good luck, and thanks for taking the time to listen and respond to all the drama I've been writing to you about.

You go girl!


Katie - that is awesome!!! I'm so glad you made time for yourself!!

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