Thursday, October 6, 2011

Farewell to a Dream

This is me this morning. I feel like a beautiful landscape overshadowed with storm clouds. Last night, we had to make one of the toughest decisions that I've had to make for a long time. We had to decide to withdraw from the running in the Mamavation campaign. I didn't want to. I cried and agonized over this decision. I'm still crying this morning. Getting into a campaign has been a goal of mine for the past 6 months. I thought we had finally found the time to do it and we applied. We applied and were made finalists. I know that everyone who applied was made a finalist, but still, it felt good. It felt so good to see the support and the love that I didn't know was there.

I know people will ask what happened. I know they'll want to know why we pulled out. I can only say family. We had to pull out from a campaign that could have helped us and our boys so much because of my family. My grandmother, who in all reality is my mother, has cancer and my uncles no longer want her staying alone because she's fallen a couple of times and laid there on the floor because she didn't want to be a bother to anyone in the middle of the night. Even though there are 6 grown adult children over there, they can't seem to figure this out on their own and want me to step in.

Do you want to know the truth? I'm angry. I'm angry as hell with them. I'm angry that I'm the grandchild and I have to be the grown up for them because they can't do it themselves. I'm angry that some of them are so self-focused that they don't stop to think that I have a family. I have children. I have things I should be doing. But, I love my grandmother and would do anything for her and if me being there makes the time she has left easier, I'll sacrifice for that.

The worst part? It's not that I feel like I'm letting Leah and everyone down, though that part is hard. It's the fact that my 11 year old son had a well child check up this morning and was in the 93rd percentile for weight. For most kids, that wouldn't be a big deal. For a child with cerebral palsy, who has joint and muscle issues, it is. We've been told we have to get his weight down by January. If it's not, she's going to put him through thyroid and diabetes testing.

I'm angry and I'm scared and I'm in tears as I write this post. I feel like I've been a horrible parent for allowing his weight to get that high. Don't bother telling me how he's at his dad's house 5 days a week and I'm not responsible for that. It doesn't matter. I'm his mom. I'm his mom and because of 6 grown adults who can't get their act together, I just had to give up an opportunity that could have helped my baby boy.

So, to everyone who has supported us or voted to us, I have to say thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. I thought we had no chance of winning and then suddenly there were all these people saying they'd voted for us and cheering us on. Thank you. With everything I have in me, thank you.

Now, I have to go blow my runny nose, wipe my eyes and take a few deep breathes. After all, I may not be the super mom who can do it all, but I still have a 2 week challenge workout to complete, a guest post to write, a phone charger to buy, a weight room/pool punch card to buy, healthy snacks to research, a massively difficult conversation with my ex-husband to have and whatever else life throws at me today.

I am so sorry to those I have let down, including myself. I feel like a failure right now because I couldn't do it all. I hope you can forgive me.

12 comments:

Shelley

regardless of your circumstances, you have already done the hardest part - made a decision to improve your life. With or without the campaign, you can STILL keep moving forward. Lean on the sistahood - the only way you will disappoint us is if you quit on YOURSELF. It won't be easy, but PLEASE remember that if you are not taking care of YOU, you can't take care of anyone else. HUGS!

MNMSpecial

I'm sorry that hog have to drop out. I know your frustration because I felt it when I found out I was pregnant. I missed out on countless campaigns & even saw my body take a dive. But there will be more campaigns & hey MILI challenge is still there. I'm a huge fan of MILI. We are here for you.

You aren't a failure as a mom or a person. Life happens, in fact it happens every single day.
Just think, you started this and you may not be finishing this the way you thought, but your still headed in the right direction. You are changing your life and your family's.
While you are busy being the adult continue to be mindful of serving sizes and do squats while you lift your grandmother, lunge to get side when she is weak. You need this time to love her while you love yourself. This is your opportunity to turn the negative into positive (hard I know).
Tell yourself you are caring for your grandmother because your family wants you to have this special time for her to share her wisdom only with you.
This doctor appointment brought about the platform for you to take a stand on healthy snacking for your children. Just think of all the neat ideas you will think of and can share.
Its all in the eye of the beholder. Plus even the healthiest parents can have overweight children. Maybe testing might show an underlying condition hog would have otherwise missed.

Cheer up! You have big things ahead of you.

Pipi

Katie, please don't feel like a failure, because you are definitely not one at all. You are an amazing woman who gives so much to so many including me.
I'm not great with my words.
Sometimes our plans and the ones God has for us aren't always the same, unfortunately.
I've been through a similar experience with my Grandma. She's been gone for 3 1/2 years now. Looking back, I treasure the time that I spent caring for her the last year of her life. That is time and memories I have to cherish now that she is no longer with us.
I'm proud of you for making the decision to apply for Mamavation campaign. I'm also proud of you for being selfless and making the tough decision to withdraw.
I signed up for a fit friend because I wanted support, but also because I want to be able to hopefully support you as well. Campaign or not, I'm here.
I'm praying that the talk with your ex husband goes decently and that you can get on the same page to help your son.
If there is anything I can do, please please please don't hesitate to call, text, anything.
Your video really touched me. You and I are almost exactly the same in weight and inches and just in this short time you've taught me that I can do it. Please don't forget that yourself. You can still work towards a healthier lifestyle for you and your family. I and so many others are still here to support you.
When life allows you to apply for another campaign, all the love and support will be here in encouraging words, votes, and support.
Hugs.

Julie

You are amazing... being the person that is stepping up is amazing. You are doing what is best at the moment, even if it makes you mad.

Your #mamavation sistas are all here for you, lean on us -- and know that you can ABSOLUTELY do this for you - and your son. :)

I'm here. Lean away.

Gena

I am going to give you some tough love! Just because you are dropping out of the campaign doesn't mean you are giving up your lifestyle. Stop being angry and turn that anger into motivation! You can continue to change your life too. For you and your kids. You are not in this alone. You have the sistas all behind you! We love you and will watch you succeed! Don't use this as an excuse NOT to change your life! Good Luck!!!

Heather @ Not a DIY Life

I can certainly understand feeling angry. But I always say, family comes first. You won't always have your grandma around, and you don't want to have regrets with how she was cared for in her last years.

And you have already put yourself out there and started on this healthy living journey. Getting started is sometimes the hardest part!! Yay for you! My 4YO dd is in the 97th percentile for weight, and while her pediatrician isn't concerned about her weight because she is in the 95th percentile for height, I have found that the BEST thing I can do for her as her mom is NOT stress about her "losing weight." I am teaching her the difference between healthy foods that we eat all the time, and treats (the sugary, processed stuff) that are good treats, which means not every day. And encouraging her to be active. Riding bikes, playing chase, going to the playground. We even got her a Nickelodeon Wii Fit for kids (although we don't use it a lot right now because the weather is gorgeous!).

You are awesome and you have your family as your priority. You rock!

@AndreaEmilien

I think everyone has said pretty much what I want to.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! That is the most important thing. You can continue on your journey for you and your son. We are ALL here to support you. All of us are offering our shoulders and a ton of hugs and prayers.

You can do this!!!!!!

Aries Mommy

((((hugs)))) You are not a failure. Life threw you a tough curve ball, you are adjusting to handle it. Don't give up, you may be out this round, but you aren't out forever ;)

Try to see the good in what you are doing for your grandma. The time that your kids will now have with her. Please don't stop reaching out to us. ((((hugs))))

Ms Mary

I was chosen to take care of my grandparents to. I knew my aunt did all she could and work though but since I "did not work" my part of the family figured I had nothing better to do. It will get on your nerves and piss you off a lot but just keep thinking your doing it for her not them. I am sure that there will be another couples challenge and nothing says you can't still do the mini challenges they have been doing. Maybe there are some of those that your son can do with you (maybe with some modifications due to his illness) and make them fun and with some type of reward at the end of each. Don't let it get you down. Keep on going and make sure his dad knows he has to knows what the doctor said and make him take the responsibility since he is there for more meals. And I think get your son in on the loop he is old enough to understand that he has to change his ways or he will have more problems down the road. You have everyone's support.

Amanda

I don't think I could say anything that hasn't already been said - you are an amazing inspiration - you took the first steps to creating a better lifestyle for not only yourself, but for those you love and care about - that's a HUGE thing. You're pushing and working every second to make your life- your family's life better. Nothing about that reads "failure."
This doesn't have to be the end of the road for you. You've made it this far. Mamavation will be here when you come back. Campaign again, when you're able to. And until then, lean on us and continue to do everything you're already doing.
It's like someone told me; you don't need the title of "mamavation mom" to make it. Sure, it'd help, but YOU CAN DO THIS!

Lena

Katie,
Challenges define who we are
Here - I found smart to say.
Seriously, you've made it far and I understand how hard it is to walk away. Well, don't! We are here and we are here to help. Any support I can give you is yours to take. Do you want me to mentor you on your journey? I will be happy to. Just let me know. Email me whenever elenka29 at yahoo.com
Bug Huge SUPERSIZED hug

LoLo VAn

Don't look at this as a failure. Honestly this was out of your control. There will always be next year! Plus if you need anything at all let me know!! I would love to help you!!! Its always nice to have someone to lean on!! Im here for you whenever you need me!!!

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