Wednesday, June 23, 2010

All She Wanted Was to be Beautiful

For as long as I can remember, I've hated clothes shopping. I can never find the right things in normal stores. Heaven help me if I need something special for some special event. I have to go online and I can't afford the stores that have things that might actually fit me. Other people get excited when things like costume parties or masked balls. Not me. I just get more and more depressed because I know that I don't own any appropriate and the odds of me finding something are slim to none.

I'm going on a retreat, if you want to call it that, in a couple of weeks with Rob and nickle. One night, they're having a masked ball. As usual, I have nothing to wear. As usual, to find something would cost more money than I'll ever have. I had a dress in the closet. It was bought for me back in October. I tried it on, hoping and praying it would fit. It doesn't. My stupid huge ass boobs ruin it. I hate my body. I hate that my boobs are like..large watermelons. I hate them. I hate that I have no self control and I can't even do something as simple as drink 4 bottles of water a day.

I hate that instead of being excited about this trip, I'm in tears because I feel like there's nothing I can do. I don't own really nice things. When I was married, I faded into the background. Now, almost 4 years after my divorce, I still don't own really nice clothes. I can't afford to pay $30 for a shirt. I don't have anything to wear and because of that, I'm going to miss out on it. Everyone else will go with their gorgeous costumes or nice outfits and I'll be left sitting at camp because I'm too fat to have something appropriate to wear.


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