Monday, October 21, 2019

Weekly Update: Depression

It's been a rough week and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. That would be lying to all of you and lying to myself and that's just not healthy.

Let's see...where to start...I guess with the car. I think I mentioned that I was having car trouble and about $600 short on getting it repaired. Well, I managed to come up with $250 and someone loaned me the other $350 so I went and got the brakes/rotors/calipers all taken care of. Unfortunately, the mechanic came out with more bad news in that the other wheel bearing is now making noise. That's another $450. I don't have it. Not a single penny of it. My editing sale brought in nothing, nor did my stick figure art sale. I did sell about $20 worth of books but that went towards the last repair. I'm trying to remain calm but it's hard.

Speaking of money, it turns out that my oldest makes too much money for us to really remain on food assistance. Due to his income (none of which is really a part of this household), they've cut me back to $16/mo. I have no idea what to do about that. Since he's splitting time between here and his father's, perhaps it'd be better to drop him as part of the household. I really don't know. I just know that nobody can live off of $16/mo in food and my income doesn't allow for me to cover groceries quite yet. That's a dream of mine...a goal...

So, as you can probably tell, money has me beyond stressed out. I don't know what I'm going to do. There's also a lot of little financial things that are trying to be the straws that break the camels back. On top of the financial stuff, I had to miss two major events that I had planned on attending due to the car and other finances. It was incredibly hard on me to see my friends and other people I know having a jolly grand time at them, knowing that I should have been there too. It's so hard being poor.

I'd like to say that I have some brilliant plan as to how I'm going to fix all of this, but all I can do is try to keep moving forward the best that I can. I'm waiting now for a client to pay me in hopes that he does so before my insurance company tries to pull funds. It should be okay, but it's a scary waiting game.

I keep thinking that the book sale was supposed to help pay to get my dryer repaired and a new stove/oven (I've been without one since March) and here I am trying to figure out car repairs. It doesn't take much to start a stress spiral it seems. I honestly have considered a GoFundMe, but I don't know if anyone would pitch in. I keep hearing that everyone is in the same boat. God, I sure hope not. It's a rather terrible leaky little thing and my bucket has holes. I'd not wish this on anyone else.

Like I said, all I can do is keep trying to move forward the best that I can. I know that not many people read this blog, but I'm going to post the links to my sale and to my book sale here, just in case someone may be interested...

Editing Sale
Book Sale

Have a great week, everyone and take care of yourselves and each other.


Sunday, October 13, 2019

Weekly Update: Stress

Stress
image courtesy of apa.org

Whew! This week has been nonstop stress. One of the biggest stressors for me is if something goes wrong with my car and sure enough, not one thing, not two things, but three things went wrong with it! First, I took it in to have a wheel bearing checked. Yep, it needs replaced. Then, it was a headlight. Yep, some dongle thing needed replacing.  Oh, and by the way, the front brake pads, rotors, and calipers need replacing. Thanks to all of the amazing clients who have sent work my way recently, I had the funds for the first two. The third? The one that's $600? Nope. Thanks again to those clients, I've raised $250. That leaves me $350 short and it's had me in a stress spiral for the past couple of days. It's hard to focus on getting things done. If I don't have a car, I'm trapped where I live. There is no public transportation in the middle of nowhere.

Other than that, things are okay. We're just about ready to have someone come in to check on the furnace and water heater. I've been busting my butt. We've hauled 9 trash bags to goodwill and I have another 4 ready to go. I've lost track of the numbers of bags of trash we've hauled out along with broken fans and things like that. I'm proud of that.

I'm also proud of my youngest who performed in his first college Jazz concert the other night. He had an amazing solo and I'm so glad that I took the chance of driving over. It was worth every worry along the way.

This week is all about trying to find the funds for the car, working more on the house, and wrapping up a couple of client projects. If any of you are looking for a proofreader, please don't hesitate to reach out.


Monday, October 7, 2019

Weekly Update: Befuddled Brain

Normally I would spend ages looking for just the right graphic to go with this post, but today, I honestly just don't feel like it. Maybe I'm tired or maybe I'm in a little bit of a slump. Maybe I noticed that almost nobody reads these posts. It could be one or all. I just know that I can't write a brilliant post today and I'm disappointed in myself for that. The truth is though that I'm having a tough time remember what all I'm even supposed to do today.

It's been a good couple of weeks so this is probably pretty much par for the course. I could also have some bonus hormones happening. Clearly I'm not a medical professional...lol! Anyway, I'm going to do a quick weekly update and then get back to work....because I do know that there's work waiting on me.

This past week has been good. There was a lot of frustration and some anxiety as my car started having issues (yes, again...) and all three of my children kept changing the plans for the weekend. In the end, we sorted it out and I think everyone had a good weekend. I'm a bit concerned for Rog because he's talking about having intermittent hearing loss in his one ear and I'm hoping he isn't falling behind in any of his classes.

The house is coming along. I'd put the bedroom at about 60%. I've cleared out both closets now and started putting some stuff away in them. I have another four bags for Goodwill. That will put us at 13 bags donated. I can't believe how much stuff we've been hauling out of this house. I'm pretty sure we could double that before we're done. On top of that, I have realized that I need to downsize my book collection so I think I'm going to have a sale on Facebook, both on my personal page and my fan page. I'm thinking $1 a book with possible discounts on bulk purchases. Cookbooks will be priced slightly higher.  It's going to be a slow sale simply because I'm going to start adding things to a folder and add as I find more. I'm also going to throw DVDs into there too. I really could use the money to buy a new stove/oven. So, it's a double bonus if people buy them. Fingers crossed!

For now though, I think I'm going to make some lunch, stretch a bit, and then get a story proofread for a client. Have I mentioned how much I love my job? Because I honest to goodness love my job.


Sunday, September 29, 2019

Pause the Music

Credit to Nick Gibson for today's title inspiration.
I have a lot of thoughts in my head and would you believe that they're all good and I'm smiling? Weird, huh? I'm not complaining though.

I saw my doctor on Friday and I'm happy to report that we're both doing well. She had a workout accident a while back but is healing nicely. Me? My blood pressure tracking pleased her and seeing me happy and thriving put a huge smile on her face.

I don't think I realized that I'd stopped thriving, but was merely surviving. Heck, just surviving was a nice feeling. Actually thriving (thank you god for those who created this medication that I'm on now) has me over the moon and insanely productive. My sleep schedule has shifted to more match that of those around me. I'm asleep by 11 and up by 6:30-7:30 am. I'm getting up, getting dressed, eating, and knocking out project after project. It's spectacular.

I don't know if I wrote last week about being back in my bedroom, but that's been a wonderful change too. After a week or so of that, I'm finally adjusting to sleeping in there. The cats have laid claim to their sleeping spots and none of us are crunched up, unless they choose to be (Mac likes to sleep up against my legs). My room isn't completely dehoarded, but I would say that it's at least halfway there and I'm thinking that maybe within a week, it will be totally done. Then, I need to convince the youngest to come home from college for a few hours to help me get the dresser inside and upstairs to my room. I can't move it by myself and my doctor told me to not even try.

Normally, all of these changes would freak me out, but instead, I'm celebrating them and I'm celebrating me for getting them done. Thanks to my editing work, I've been able to make some payments on outstanding bills and I'm hoping that by the end of the year, those will be taken care of which will put me in a better financial place for the upcoming year.

I've found myself stopping more...Pausing the music in my head...to enjoy other things. I'm slowly reading more. I'm playing games. I'm taking pictures of raindrops on spider webs. I'm doing more of the things that I love that slipped by the wayside. Mostly? I'm enjoying being me. It's pretty awesome.

That's it for this week. I'm off to Life With Katie to write my weekly writing prompt post. If you like recipes, reviews, writing, please pop over and check it out. I have a giveaway starting there tomorrow.


Until next week....take care of yourselves, my little chickadees!

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Dipping and Birthdays

Okay, it isn't my birthday. Not until tomorrow. However, it's really affecting me today. You see, I guess at some point, I stopped feeling loved or cared about and my birthday was a solid reflection of that. After my divorce, nobody paid any attention to it really. Well, that's not true. I had one friend who did. I guess I started seeing my birthday as some kind of indicator of whether or not I deserved to remain on this planet.  I can't believe I'm writing about this. I don't think I've ever fully told anyone why my birthday matters so much to me...

Anyway, some years were bad...for my 30th, I was raped by someone I trusted. For my 35th, someone threw a birthday party for me that nobody showed up to. Others were pretty good...one year, I got three or four cards and half a dozen presents. That was a really good year. I felt so loved. This year? Well, my birthday is tomorrow and there have been no cards or gifts that have arrived.

In years past, this would have been an issue for me starting a week to two weeks before my birthday. I'd have been checking the mail box every day, even checking my Amazon wish list to see if anything had been bought. This year, I made it to two days ago for the mail box and today for the depression. That's progress, but it's still hard. Part of me screams...I just want to be loved. Why can't you show me that you care? A card would cost as little as $1.50 to buy and send, aren't I worth your time? Blah.

Social media hurts in these situations. People post about their birthdays...the dinners, the cakes, the cards, the presents...and it hurts. People also post to my wall and feel like that's enough. It's nice, especially if we aren't close, but it's not the same as knowing that someone took the time to make a real effort. Ugh. I just flipped to Facebook to answer a message and what do I see? Someone's birthday with dinner out, balloons, cake, and presents. See? That's just what I mean. I'm happy for the person, but it's like a stab in the heart to me.

I know, deep down, that I shouldn't take one day and use it as a determining factor of my worth. I know that I shouldn't, but still, there's that piece of me...that really mean voice...that tells me that nobody loves me, they love what I can do for them, for how I can make them feel, but that they don't love me. I hate that voice. She's a bitch. She's just plain mean.

So, today, I'm sad. I'm next to in tears sad and it's not really anybody's fault. It's this whole birthday thing. I wish I could hate birthdays but I don't. I love them. I love celebrating the days that my favorite people joined the world on this planet. Somehow, I even love mine. That makes zero sense, but it's true. Maybe it's the part of me that's happy to be alive. I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure that this post makes any amount of sense, but here it is...Love to all who are struggling...

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Life Update

This needs to be my reminder to myself this week. Kat Scratch Press editing has taken off to the point where I have four separate projects on my desk. I'm always so worried about letting people down that I'll work myself to exhaustion trying to make sure that they're happy. Part of the reason that I've moved these posts to Sundays is to make sure that my Monday are open for me to just sit and work if need be. Fingers crossed that I can hold myself in check this coming week.

As for everything else, things are going pretty well. When Ben was here last week, we cleaned the kitchen, sorted through his clothes, and then created a 3" wide (give or take, I suck at estimating distance) path from my bedroom door to my bed. Then, since I could now access my dresser, I purged that and all of the clothes that have been stacking up on my bed. In the end, I donated three bags of clothes to Goodwill and I'm nowhere near done with that room yet! It's crazy, but the big news is...I can now sleep in my bed for the first time in five years! That's a victory right there. The bed is made up with clean sheets and I've spent the past three nights sleeping up there. I'm not sleeping 100% yet but I'm adjusting to having an entire bed to sleep in. I guess you can say that I kicked that having the tv on habit because there isn't a tv in the bedroom. I still have the light on, but that'll go at some point. I'm just not quite ready.

Ben is coming back over this evening for a couple of days and I suspect we'll be tackling the living room in between bouts of me working on client work. I'm so looking forward to the point where this house is a place where I wouldn't mind my son's girlfriend coming into instead of waiting in the car while he runs in to get something. I'm really hopeful that by the time colleges let out for Christmas break, the house will be good enough for all of the kids to be here. That would mean a lot to me.

In other news, I finally received a blood pressure cuff and I've been using it for the past couple of days. My results so far? 123/78, 133/87, and 131/80. So, two of those were a little high but still below the mild hypertension range which is good. If it continues this way for the remainder of the thirty days, I don't think we'll need to adjust my medication. Perhaps if I lose some weight, that will help bring it back down.

I haven't been able to start the walking or the pool time yet. I've been so busy with everything else that I just haven't had the energy. I know that it's something that I need to do, but I just haven't gotten there yet.

I'm feeling a little stressed but overall, I think I'm handling things okay. I just have to keep going and making changes when I can. The bed thing is a huge one and I'm looking forward to clearing more of that room out so I can get more things put where they belong. One day and one step at a time. Ever Onward.


Sunday, September 8, 2019

Balance

Balance
Two weeks in a row, who would have thought? This is going to be a short post because it's been a very busy day and tomorrow...no, this entire week is going to be crazy. My oldest is visiting until Wednesday night and we have plans to attempt some serious deep cleaning around here. Of course, my plan to have no editing work for this week completely bombed. I have 4 more files for a friend of mine and each file takes me at least a couple of hours. I just seem incredibly slow at it. I'm hoping that he'll be patient and give me a few more days to get them done. I'll message him first thing in the morning and see what kind of timeline he can work with.

Other than that, things are going fairly well. I still don't have a blood pressure monitor, but someone from my past popped up and said he'd like to give me the money to buy one. Since we haven't spoken in about 25 years or more, I have my hesitations but if he comes through, that would be amazing.

I'm still really tired which concerns me. I don't know what's causing it. I did okay today though, but it's the first day that I have. I'm hoping though that it means I've turned a corner with that. It's so hard to balance life when you're spending half of it asleep or feeling out of it with exhaustion.

Balance is obviously a concern. My little editing business seems to be taking off which is incredibly exciting, but I need to figure out how to balance client work with house work and writing. I don't want to stop writing and right now the only writing that I'm doing is a weekly prompt over on Life With Katie that I've managed to do two weeks in a row. Hopefully I can start to find that balance so that I can do all of the things that I need to. Yep, I need to write. It's part of who I am...

For now though, it's nearing midnight and I need to take my medicine and see about getting ready for bed. Tomorrow is talking with my client, working on one of his files, and then Ben and I are going to try to get the kitchen cleaned up. A tidy space helps me keep a tidy mind. Thank goodness for awesome kids who are willing to help out.


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