Facing My Fears

I just wanted to pop on and post a quick update. I was supposed to go to the weight clinic on the 8th, but that's had to change. The boys' dad and his wife are driving down to Virginia to help his parents move up here and they've decided to leave Wednesday after work instead of Thursday morning. Since Roger has a band rehearsal on Wednesday night, mom duties are coming ahead of me making that informational meeting.

I'm not walking away from it though. I called this morning and changed my registration to the next session which is the 21st. Roger will be away at jazz camp and Ben will be here, but I think he'll be okay with being alone for a couple of hours while I go and do this. He wants me to be healthy and I'll explain to him what it is that I'm doing and why.

I also know that I have to start working on changes. This meeting isn't going to be a magic pill or anything like that. One bonus of having really horrible allergies and being on meds for them is the fact that I really started upping my water intake. I'm someone who is chronically dehydrated so this is a big step for me. Of course, I can't seem to stop drinking and so now I'm in the bathroom every 20 minutes...sheesh! One extreme to another with this body of mine. Still, there's no way anyone can accuse me of being dehydrated right now.

Still, I'm in pain. Part of it is severe allergies, but I suspect that another part is dental. I've always had really bad teeth. I remember numerous fillings, having teeth pulled, braces and all sorts of ick. Because of all of that, I've developed a fairly serious anxiety issue when it comes to dental work. On top of that, one of the "side effects" of my mental health issues is the fact that when things get bad, I let personal hygiene things slide...including my teeth. So, bad teeth combined with bad habits equals really bad teeth right now. I have multiple broken teeth and cavities. I know that seeing a dentist is going to be a miserable experience so I put it off even more. It becomes an ugly cycle.

Tonight though I took the first step in breaking that cycle. I found a clinic about 20 minutes from here that takes my insurance, which was a feat in itself. Then, I filled out the new patient form online and submitted it. Sometime in the next couple of days they'll call me and we'll set up the first appointment where I'll go in and have x-rays done and a consultation. The second appointment is a cleaning and then they go from there. I'm scared to death, but hopefully they'll be kind and understanding. I'm also a tiny bit proud of me. I took that first step and often that's one of the hardest ones. From here on out, it's just showing up to the appointments and lots of deep breathes. I can do this. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt, but the end will be worth it.

So, another step taken. In the next while lots of changes will be happening and while they may be scary, they're going to be good. I'm taking charge of my life, reclaiming my world, and it's a good thing.

Something Has to Change

As some of you may know, I've been down and out with horrible, rotten allergies for the past two weeks. I could live with the congestion, but man, the pain is just too much. So what's a girl to do? She hauls herself off to urgent care in the hopes that they can give her something to make it feel at least a little bit better. That's what I did...and that's where this post begins.

Since I had to go grocery shopping anyway, I decided to go to the urgent care that's over near where I wanted to shop. I hadn't been there before and so I was a little bit surprised when they had me step on the scale in addition to all the usual tests. The number I saw there terrified me. I had suspected that I had been putting on weight again, but not nearly as much as that number showed. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been at. Then, when she took my blood pressure and that was also high, something just shifted inside of me. I have to do something. If I don't, I'm going to die. That may sound dramatic, but it really isn't. At the weight I'm at, my body has to work harder at every single thing it does. This puts wear and tear on everything...my heart, my lungs, my joints...and those things can wear out completely.

My doctor warned me back in August about my weight and my blood pressure. She wasn't particularly kind about it and it made me defensive.  This time, nobody said a word. They just showed me the numbers when they came up. Then, I spent a week thinking about those numbers and what they mean to me. Those numbers are the reason that I have trouble climbing up or down stairs. They're the reason I won't volunteer to chaperone trips with the boys. They're the reason that I have some of the health problems that I do.

The numbers scared me, but they got me thinking and for that, I'm thankful. For too long, I've let pride get in the way of me getting help in this area. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up, food was a sanctuary of sorts. My grandmother used food as a way to show us that she loved us. I never walked into that house without an immediate offer of being fed being made. As I grew older, food became either a way to fill the holes in my emotional world or a control object. Soon I hope to write an entire post regarding my relationship with food. This isn't that post.

This post is about the decision that I've made. Twice now, my doctor has given me a referral to the Sparrow Hospital Weight Management Clinic. Twice, I let get pride get in the way. I told myself that I've lost weight before and that it's not rocket science. I can do this alone. The truth is that I can't do this alone. When I'm doing it alongside someone, I do okay. When I have that accountability. The problem with that comes along when the other person meets their goal or they don't take the time/make the effort to be my cheerleader. When that happens, it's easy to make excuses and let things slide.

It's time to stop the cycle. It's time to get the help that I need to understand what it is that I need to do. If what that is equals therapy, so be it. If what that is means surgery to help my body start helping itself again, so be it. So, I made the courageous decision to attend a meeting next week at the weight management clinic. It's just an introduction to what they do there so I can see if it's the right fit. I suspect that so long as insurance covers it, I'll be going there on a far more regular basis and finding my way to healthy again. After all, I want to be able to ride roller coasters with my boys, to travel comfortably on trips, and most importantly to live a long, long life where I watch all my dreams and hard work turn into something amazing.

I've also made the decision to keep this off of social media for the time being. I'll be posting about it here and over on Life With Katie as things happen and I treasure any support that I get, but this is a private decision and that on some level, I need to do for me on my own.

Fit For Good

Good morning and Happy Tuesday! I swear that I almost typed Monday there. That's not a good sign, but I'm going to just laugh and keep going. No use dwelling on how little time I have this week!

So, how is everyone else doing out there? I know a few of you stop by to read this crazy thing and you're on my mind today. I hope life is treating you well and that you're kicking ass and having an amazing time doing it.

As for me, I'm doing pretty well. I took Sunday off, but other than that, I have now officially been out walking for 7 days now. I've been making my tiny goal of 3,000 steps each day, no matter what my Fitbit says. Seriously. My Fitbit hasn't been properly registering my inside the house steps so my total for yesterday, according to it, was 2,999. I know I got more than that since I walked from the kitchen to the bathroom to the living room after that. Crazy thing! Still, if it says I made my goal it just means I've gotten at least a few more than that. That makes me happy.

Let's see...what else is happening here? There's the usual stuff of trying desperately to catch up on housework, helping Ben with homework and running Geek-o-Rama. On top of that, I have a convention appearance coming up that I'm trying to prepare for and I was just hired to do some paid work for someone. All of this is super exciting, but keeping me super busy! Did I mention that my ex-husband *just* texted me to ask if I were going to some band parents' meeting that I knew nothing about and happens to be tonight? No problem. I'm supermom, superme and sometimes it feels as if I'm challenging the universe. One more thing? No problem. I don't need to sleep, eat, or any of that stuff normal humans do...

Seriously though, life is insanely busy right now which means that fitting in my walks is even more important. It would be so incredibly easy to just let it slip, but I'm finding that for the first time in a very long time, I don't want to let it slip. I won't lie. I considered it Saturday when we were sitting at a swim meet all day long. Instead, I talked to Ben about it and during diving we did little things like taking a walk out to the car to get a notebook so that we could make a shopping list. We walked around the pool deck a little bit and we made that goal. In fact, we beat it by something like 700 steps. I'm pretty proud of us and here's the thing... If I can do this when the weather is turning blech and life keeps throwing things at me, I can do this when it's easier. Trial by fire and all of that. I just need to get through these next couple of weeks so that I can create a workout space within the house for when the snow starts flying.

For now though, I'm going to sign off and get to work. Have an amazing day, darlings and feel free to say hi now and again!

Oh! I never explained today's graphic! Fitbit is doing this really awesome thing where they're donating money to some awesome charities and the charity with the most steps attached to it gets the highest amount! So, not only are you getting healthier by getting out and walking, but you're also helping others. Since I'm already walking, I'm using this as a bit of extra motivation. If you have a Fitbit, you should check it out! Look for #FitForGood

Double oh! I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday where my weight is going to be the major topic of conversation. My doctor has flat out told me that she doesn't think I can lose weight on my own and wants me to go to this place where essentially they're checking to see if you're a good candidate for surgery. Surgery isn't on my agenda so finger's crossed she can see that there's a difference! Not to mention, I'm thinking treatment for my anemia would be a darn good thing.

Ripples Make Waves

I totally confess to stealing this title from Nick. He's been saying it to me all week and now it's just plain stuck in my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how accurate it is because I haven't had time to do the scientific research behind it, but no matter, it sounds good and motivational, right?

Still, while I don't know about how this actually works in water, I do know how this works in life. I've seen it in my own life. Clean a section of counter and the next thing you know, the entire counter is clean. Counter clean? Next thing you know, so is the stove... it starts with one small thing and you just keep going with it.

So, after talking with Nick about what he's doing (I'm so lucky he's one of my nearest and dearest people on this planet) and then reading his blog post about it, I decided this could be the thing that I need to help kick start me into gear. I suppose that it doesn't hurt that I have a competitive streak and every day when Nick posts his results, I have two reactions. The first? I'm thrilled for him and proud of him for the work that he's putting in. The second? I'm pretty sure I nearly growl to see him outdoing me. Seriously.

Here's the thing though. I know that Nick and I are in two different spots on this journey. Don't tell him this, but he's not even grossly overweight. Me? I'm beyond grossly overweight. I'm at the "at risk" and beyond section of the chart. He's also already getting in some movement at work and such. My movement is to the couch where I sit and work. There's no need for me to do more than that for me to get my work accomplished. So, honestly, there's no comparison. We're starting at different points...still, seeing his numbers pushes me to get my numbers done. I have no idea what his actual step count goal is for each day, but I know he said he's been making it. I do know what mine is and in the 4 days that I've been walking, I've made it once.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to celebrate every single day's number. Why? Because a week ago, I was getting maybe a few hundred steps in a day. This week, I've gotten outside at least once a day for a walk and my numbers have looked like this:

Monday: 1,645 steps
Tuesday: 4,426 steps
Wednesday: 2,525 steps
Thursday: 2,070 steps (so far)

That's huge. It really is. Even today when I woke up feeling blech due to sinus drainage, I got up, I got dressed and I went for my walk. It was good. I do think I'm going to have to find some podcasts or something to listen to though. This is a small village and seeing the same things every day isn't keeping my attention. I can do that though.  I can do this. I am doing this.

Next week when I go see Dr. Chermak, I hope I can see the results. I don't have a scale here at home anymore since my last one broke and I haven't had the money to replace it. So, for now, I'm reliant on the doctor's office scale. If nothing else, it will give me a starting point number. Still, I want to show her that she was wrong. I can do this without surgical intervention or putting myself on some sort of liquid diet. I can do this. I can get outside and walk and when the weather turns too icky for that, I can put in a dvd and do that. Right now, I'm making ripples...tiny changes...but those tiny changes can change my life if I let them.

Making Changes

For too long, I've taken my life and my health for granted. Sure, there have been periods where I've made some vague effort and there was a period where I made a solid effort and oh my gosh, I felt so much better physically and even emotionally.

Then, as we all know, I not only dropped the ball, but I then kicked it into the neighbor's yard. You know, the one who has the dog like the one in Sandlot? The yard that has the high fence, the scary dog, and you're terrified to step one foot into it? Yep, for the past few years, that's where my ball has been and for whatever reason, I've been terrified to go and get my ball back.

A few months ago, I decided that it was time to creep around the yard to see if I could find a way in. I cut soda out of my life and I tried to increase my water intake. I don't know if it's helped any, but it certainly hasn't hurt.

Then, just over a week ago, I went and had my yearly blood work done and the results terrified me. Not only was I anemic (brought on by an ugly depo-provera reaction where I have an over the top heavy period that lasted a month straight), but I'm also borderline diabetic. Granted, that result could be from the anemia, but is it really worth that risk?

So, after a few days of meltdowns and panicking, I decided that it was time to step a foot over the boundary line and into the yard and to find my ball. After all, drool covered or not, it's my ball, not someone else's. Nobody else can fix this for me. This is something that I have to do for myself. I need to pick up the ball, wipe off the dust, drool, and anything else that's collected on it and relearn how to handle it.

What does all this ball talk mean? It means that I've recommitted to keeping soda out of my life and out of the house. I've been limiting myself to one a week and sometimes I don't have any. I've been drinking more water. It's still not enough but any is better than the none that I was doing. I've walked into my kitchen and I've started cleaning it up so that it can be used properly. When I went shopping this past weekend, I created a meal plan in advance and stuck with my list.

I was and am proud of all of those inchings into the yard, but yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I didn't inch. I took an actual step. Instead of just having a meal plan and ignoring it, I followed it. I unloaded groceries from the car, I washed up what I needed and I made a rather tasty Indian Curry for dinner last night. Other than the tomato paste, there wasn't a single processed ingredient in it. Even the sauce was made from scratch. It had veggies in it and things that are good for a person to eat. After dinner, I even packaged up the leftovers and washed up the dishes. This, I am incredibly proud of.

You see, it's incredibly easy for me to become overwhelmed and instead of running with the ball, I just kind of nudge it along and then forget about it under a bush or something. Except last night, even when something else was overwhelming and upsetting me, I didn't. I followed through. I followed through and now have delicious lunches for the rest of the week.

Then today, I took another step and instead of driving to the post office, I walked there and then came back the longer route. It's not huge, but it was .69 miles that I walked instead of drove. The weather was warm, the leaves crunchy underfoot and I feel all the better for doing it. Small changes. 15-20 minute a day changes, but pretty soon I'll be seeing just what I can do with that ball and with my life...the life I want to be around for.

Still Kicking

I bet you'd just about given up on me, but don't. I'm still here. Life got incredibly busy once school started and on top of that, when I started back on my medication, I got nailed with the insomnia side effect. I could live with that except this is highly specialized. I fall asleep just fine, but I can't seem to sleep for more than 3 hours at any point. I'll be honest. It's left me incredibly tired and things around here have been slipping some.

Still, it's not been all bad. I'm happy to say that I've done well giving up soda. I think it's been about a month since I've had more than a mouthful. I haven't switched totally to water, but I'm certainly getting more in than I was before. I'm certainly a work in progress, but for the first time in a long time, I feel as if I'm worth the work.

There's a long way to go. I'd like to lose somewhere around 160 pounds or more before this journey is done, but I know that day by day, I can do this. I'm not rushing things. I'm taking tiny baby steps. My doctor won't be happy because it's not her pace, but that's life. I have to do this how it works for me or I'm just setting myself up for failure.

So, what's the next step? I've cut out the soda and I've actually gotten much better about eating breakfast each morning. Those were my first two goals. My next goal continues with the drinks line. I'm going to work on making things like sweetened teas (bottled varieties) a rare treat not a regular part of my diet while at the same time, continuing to increase my water intake. I'd like to get back up to the point where I'm drinking about 100 ounces of water a day. I have my water bottle. I just have to keep filling it and drinking it. I have the tools, now it's up to me to do the work.

At this point, I have no idea what I'm weighing in at so I don't know if anything I've done has made a change weight wise. I need to get a new scale. It seems that mine has given up. Still, I know that the decisions that I'm making may not create immediate changes, but they're good for me in the long term.

....and most importantly....I can do this.

Good Intentions

I had the best of intentions tonight. I got off the phone after talking to a friend about how I'm wanting to use an upcoming trip to England (September 2016) as motivation for me to get healthier. After all, travelling and tourism is much easier if you're smaller and healthier. Just talking about it, got me excited and so I decided that instead of waiting until tomorrow when I'll drive past my mailbox, I was going to get my shoes on and walk down there.

Yay for good intentions! Boooooo for the ten gazillion mosquitoes that were outside waiting for me! Holy heck, Batman! I stepped off the front porch and got about halfway down the block. I was thinking, "You know, it's really nice out tonight. Maybe instead of just down and back, I'll go up a block and get a bit more walking in."  I got about four more steps and the mosquito attack began. I was swatting and smacking and smearing and generally not enjoying myself. As I paused to open the mailbox, they took advantage and started attacking. I managed to get the junk mail (dang it, no books!) out and started hurrying back up the road. It didn't matter though. They were determined that I was going to be their next meal. I looked at the back of my arm at one point and had no less than ten of them on me. They were swarming all around me and as much as I wanted that walk, I wanted to be away from them more.

But hey..maybe I only made it there and back, but that's a great step in the right direction! I could have waited until tomorrow and stopped by in the car, but I didn't. I know it's small but hey, as people keep telling me, single steps start journeys and that's what this is. It's not a race. It's a journey.

So, instead of driving to the mailbox, I'll start walking and I'm also going to be working on kicking my soda habit. It's gotten really bad and I know why. Sugars = woohoo to the brain which when you're bipolar 2, the brain gets very happy about. I need to stop though. It's not healthy for me and getting the water back into my diet will help with a lot of things.

Day #2 - I've got this. ;)