Sunday, August 22, 2021

Am I Okay?

 The truth is ...I don't know. That seems so dumb to say. I don't know if I'm okay. If my doctor were to ask me, I'd say, "Yep, everything is going fine." and it wouldn't be a lie. On the surface, everything is. I ran a successful Kickstarter, did the work to get everything made, and fulfilled it an entire month early. I moved two of the boys into their first apartments and I'm proud that I raised independent men. I made a new friend and we've gotten together a couple of times...So, on the surface everything looks good.

But then you look under the surface...

Now that fulfillment is over, I struggle to be proud of the work that I did. I look at it and go, "Yep, it's a book." There's a tiny voice that says, "a book that you wrote. You did that." I don't know how often I listen to that voice. 

My boys, well two of them, are moved in and I'm horribly sad about that. I miss them and even though they've both called me, I know that this is the final step of them being their own people and not needing me the same way ever again.

I did make a new friend and I really like him, but it's so hard to make plans with him. I tried all weekend. On Friday he was recovering from a migraine. Yesterday he was hanging out and helping a friend with pc builds and today they're roadtripping across the state to get pc parts that they need. Don't get me wrong, this is all totally acceptable and I'm not upset with him. I just can't ignore that little voice that says maybe he doesn't like you and want to get together again. Logic says this is stupid. We enjoy each other's company. Ugly little voices are hard to ignore though.

Then let's get down to the nitty gritty. If I'm okay would it have been over a month since I did laundry? Would it have been just as long since I showered? Would my hair be a tangled knot? Would my house look like an episode of Hoarders (how I wish I joked) with stuff just thrown everywhere? Would I struggle to do something as basic as take my medication? Would I look at the most basic of tasks and think why bother, nobody cares?

Guys, I don't think I'm okay and I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to be okay. I want to be. I want to walk into a house that doesn't make me want to scream. I want to be able to do the simplest of tasks without it being a struggle. 

I'd love to say that I don't know when this all started, but I do. It all started with "the man". He had a major health scare and I found out about it on Facebook three days later. Three long days after he blocked communication with me. Three months later and I'm still blocked. He doesn't answer texts and my Facebook messages don't go through to him. I know that our relationship wasn't the healthiest for me but I honestly believed that he loved me. Then that was ripped away because someone who loves you wouldn't do that to you, right? I miss him. I miss what we had when we first got together. I miss being told I'm beautiful and believing it. I miss all of it. 

I want to believe that I'm beautiful and brilliant and brave/bold, but I don't. At my last doctor's visit, my A1C was up and I'd gained a pound instead of losing one. I wanted to believe that it was okay, that I could do better, but I don't. I feel like I'm incompetent and unable to take care of myself. I sleep constantly and only get done what has to. I have tiny victories, but they don't mean anything and they don't last.

So to answer the question...No, I'm not okay and I don't know if I ever will be again. 

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