I Just Need to Write

 Yesterday, I went to the doctor. I thought it went well. Then tonight I read in her notes that I have poor hygiene. I guess you shouldn't read notes more than you should read the comments. I'm crushed. I had freshly shaved my face and under my arms. I had put on deodorant. I had on clean clothes. Yes, my shirt had cat hair on it, but that's to be expected when you live with seven cats. I don't know. The whole having to have my head shaved thing had brought me down, but deep down I was proud of me for having faced it and dealt with it. I was proud of myself for putting on a bra and going to the doctor without anxiety. I was even proud of the 11 pounds I had lost since September. None of these things are anything to a lot of people but they're something for me. Now I just want to cry. I hope that this feeling doesn't last. I don't need it. I need to have good feelings. Sigh. 

Am I Okay?

 The truth is ...I don't know. That seems so dumb to say. I don't know if I'm okay. If my doctor were to ask me, I'd say, "Yep, everything is going fine." and it wouldn't be a lie. On the surface, everything is. I ran a successful Kickstarter, did the work to get everything made, and fulfilled it an entire month early. I moved two of the boys into their first apartments and I'm proud that I raised independent men. I made a new friend and we've gotten together a couple of times...So, on the surface everything looks good.

But then you look under the surface...

Now that fulfillment is over, I struggle to be proud of the work that I did. I look at it and go, "Yep, it's a book." There's a tiny voice that says, "a book that you wrote. You did that." I don't know how often I listen to that voice. 

My boys, well two of them, are moved in and I'm horribly sad about that. I miss them and even though they've both called me, I know that this is the final step of them being their own people and not needing me the same way ever again.

I did make a new friend and I really like him, but it's so hard to make plans with him. I tried all weekend. On Friday he was recovering from a migraine. Yesterday he was hanging out and helping a friend with pc builds and today they're roadtripping across the state to get pc parts that they need. Don't get me wrong, this is all totally acceptable and I'm not upset with him. I just can't ignore that little voice that says maybe he doesn't like you and want to get together again. Logic says this is stupid. We enjoy each other's company. Ugly little voices are hard to ignore though.

Then let's get down to the nitty gritty. If I'm okay would it have been over a month since I did laundry? Would it have been just as long since I showered? Would my hair be a tangled knot? Would my house look like an episode of Hoarders (how I wish I joked) with stuff just thrown everywhere? Would I struggle to do something as basic as take my medication? Would I look at the most basic of tasks and think why bother, nobody cares?

Guys, I don't think I'm okay and I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to be okay. I want to be. I want to walk into a house that doesn't make me want to scream. I want to be able to do the simplest of tasks without it being a struggle. 

I'd love to say that I don't know when this all started, but I do. It all started with "the man". He had a major health scare and I found out about it on Facebook three days later. Three long days after he blocked communication with me. Three months later and I'm still blocked. He doesn't answer texts and my Facebook messages don't go through to him. I know that our relationship wasn't the healthiest for me but I honestly believed that he loved me. Then that was ripped away because someone who loves you wouldn't do that to you, right? I miss him. I miss what we had when we first got together. I miss being told I'm beautiful and believing it. I miss all of it. 

I want to believe that I'm beautiful and brilliant and brave/bold, but I don't. At my last doctor's visit, my A1C was up and I'd gained a pound instead of losing one. I wanted to believe that it was okay, that I could do better, but I don't. I feel like I'm incompetent and unable to take care of myself. I sleep constantly and only get done what has to. I have tiny victories, but they don't mean anything and they don't last.

So to answer the question...No, I'm not okay and I don't know if I ever will be again. 

I'm back?

 You may have noticed that I haven't been here in a while. Something happened that made me question why it is that I write here. The thing is that I write because ...well, it's a way for me to track my life. But, that doesn't really matter. It's not the reason that I'm here today. Today I want to jot down what's happening with my health.

Last doctor's appointment went well. She's happy with my numbers (which I'll list below) but she'd like me to lose another 20 pounds by August. That doesn't seem like a lot, I guess, but to me it feels like a lot of pressure and when under pressure, I want to eat. Eek. With less than three months, I decided I ought to get going doing something. 

So, today I decided to start walking. I'm not only badly out of shape, but I also have trouble with my right leg. Honestly, I was excited and nervous at the same time. Still, not doing it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I received an email that some stickers that I ordered were ready so I decided my first challenge would be walking to the mailbox. For those who don't know/remember, my mailbox is a good block away and I thought that might be a good starting distance...plus...stickers!

It was tougher than I'd like to admit. My hip started hurting about halfway there, but I kept pushing through. I didn't stop on the way there, but I did stop on the way back to rest for 30 seconds or so and then pushed on. Grand total? 550 steps. 

That number seems so small, but I keep telling myself that we all have to start somewhere. It may be a small victory, but it's my small victory. I'm still trying to decide if I want to walk every day or every other day. It's not worth walking to the mailbox every day but maybe I could work up to walking around the block. One step at a time...literally...

Speaking of numbers, here they are. Please remember that they're from my last doctor's appointment on May 4th.

Weight: 301 (down 20 pounds since November)
A1C: 6.3 (down from 8 and then 6.8)

So, there we go. I did it. I walked. Now, I'm going to work. 

Weekly Update: February nearly killed me

 

So, let's do a rundown of the month...

Diabetes

Cancer Scare

Father's Death

Frozen Pipes

Burst Pipes

Cat Got Out*

"The man" barely speaking to me

Possibly losing my friendship with Eric**

I know there's more, but that's off the top of my head. The cat was the final straw that broke me and the Eric thing is the one I worry the most over. Today is March 1st and I'm trying to pull it back together to get things done that need to be done, but it's hard. Luckily, Ben "the slavedriver" is here and he keeps me on track. Today's list includes:

Call the plumber

Clean the bathroom

Take down the Christmas tree so the desk is useable

Clean out the laundry room closet

Go to the post office

Help him with his paper

Help him fill out some paperwork

Again, that's off the top of my head. All I can do though is take it one thing at a time. I called the plumber and they'll either be here today between noon and four or not until Thursday. I really want it to be today. I'm hoping that as long as they're here, I can ask about the water heater and maybe get that fixed too. Hot showers at home would be wonderful. 

For now though...I have to go take down that tree.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Updates: Ho-Hum

 That's pretty much how I'm feeling this morning..ho-hum. Not super happy, not super sad, just kind of meh. I think it's because it's so grey outside on a day where I was expecting sunshine. Plus, I'm worried about Eric. He hasn't spoken to me in three weeks now and I don't know what to do to reach him. I've messaged, I've texted...it sucks. He's one of my closest friends and I miss him. I was thinking of sharing their weight loss videos here because they're so fantastic and I think more people should see them. They haven't posted one yet this week, but if they do, I think I'll share it with all of you.

Other than that, life has been pretty much same old. I have been tackling my living room. I'm tired of it being cluttered and looking like a disaster so I started with one side of the room and I'll be moving my way across. I expect it to take a few weeks because I have to work on it in between other things. I'm pleased though with how the one small section is looking so far. By the end of the week, I'll have boxed up and shipped off some stuff that I'm selling which will help even more. Plus, it's a bit more money in the bank which never hurts.

Speaking of which, I need to call and find out how much we owe on Roger's tenor sax. I want to pay it off today if possible. I'm tired of that hanging over our heads. It'll be good to just own it outright and not be tied to them for repairs when we have a preferred place for that kind of thing now. That's just one thing on my to do list for today. Of course, I'd rather curl up and read a book or just about anything versus talking to people about money, etc. 

Tomorrow is my last diabetes education class. I'm glad I went ahead and took them. It helps me figure things out. Of course, it also makes it more obvious when I'm doing something "bad." Ahh well. It's better to know than not. I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday and she's really happy with my numbers. She's having me do another test in 3 months and if that comes out just as good, we can do the blood tests lest often. That's good, but I look forward to the day when maybe I can come off the medication. I swear every single one of them gives me diarrhea and it sucks. It sucks a lot. Still, my health is worth sprinting to the bathroom, I suppose.

Speaking of sprinting to the bathroom....Nah, I got nothing that connects with that. I can't imagine what would unless I suddenly took up running, but in this cold and with the snow, I think I'll pass on that one. For now, I'm going to let all of you go and get started on the icky financial things for the week. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Updates: Don't it make my brown eyes blue

 

For those unaware, yesterday was Valentine's Day...a day that is a big deal to some and a regular day for others. For me, I'm somewhere in the middle. I never have high expectations and I don't really want a huge display, but I do want something. It doesn't have to be anything big...a good morning, beautiful, maybe a small gift...that's it.

What did I get? "The man" not only didn't do anything, he didn't even bother to speak to me. My messages went unread until this morning when I got a ? as a response to the fact that he made me cry. I haven't responded to him because I don't know what to say. 

I did get a funny valentine text from Rob which made me smile. Right until I went to Facebook and saw that he'd exchanged lovey ones with another woman. I went to her page and found lovey selfies of them together. That's right. He's keeping another relationship secret from me. He broke his word that he would never, ever do that again. I'm trying not to lose it, but I spent hours crying over this yesterday and I'm crying again over it. It isn't about possessiveness. I don't care if he dates other women so long as it doesn't affect our relationship. It has though...I've noticed his texts are fewer and farther between and less affectionate/intimate. No kisses unless I comment that he hasn't...that kind of thing. I haven't said anything to him either because I don't want this to become a huge blow up. I just want to know why he hasn't been honest with me. It's probably because I didn't react well over his last girlfriend...then again, he didn't handle that well at all. 

I don't know, guys...I'm starting to feel as if the universe believes that I don't deserve good men who will treat me like I need to be treated. I'm not looking for happily ever after, just loyal, good partners. I don't think that's too much to ask for. 

Maybe it would do me good to have some distance from both of them. I doubt they'd understand, but maybe I need them too much. For now though, I have work to do...and maybe next week, I'll have something happy to report. I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and maybe she'll have some good news...

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Updates

 Not the most original title this week, but last week tried to do me in and I'm recovering from that. Some of you may have seen that my father died. I still don't know the official cause of death. Why? Because nobody talks to each other. My sister actually still speaks with the family, but she doesn't know either. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it does. That's an important piece of information, even if just for my own medical history and that of his grandchildren. 

I'm also bothered that he's gone. No longer is there any hope that someday he would open his eyes and realize the disservice that he did to his children and grandchildren. There's no chance now of me ever having a father and that sucks. Also, finding out while sitting in a hospital gown waiting to be stabbed by a machine also sucks. Nothing like already being vulnerable. That's no one's fault, it's just how it happened.

In better news, the biopsy came back negative. I may have funky boobs, but I don't have cancer. That's such a huge relief. I literally felt a weight lifting off of me when I found out. After such a rough week (his death, all the medical things, and ending up throwing up the following morning), it was good to get some happy news.

Sadly, I couldn't share that with one of my closest friends. Eric is mad at me and hurt by me. It was anything but intentional, but when I wrote about his weight loss project with his best friend last week, he felt I made him look like a dick. God, I never meant for that to happen. He's one of the greatest guys I know; one of the few that I actually trust. He hasn't looked at my messages or spoken to me in a week and I don't know what to do about it. I apologized because I've never thought of him as that type of person and trust me, I know that type of person. I was envious of the support that him and his friend (also a great guy) have for one another. I don't really have that kind of accountability. I never meant for me being envious to make him sound like a bad person. In fact, I eagerly watched their second video this morning because I'm so damn proud of him and what he's doing. If you want to check it out, it's on YouTube. I miss him and I hope he reads my messages or this and realizes that I never meant to hurt him. 

As for that accountability...Well, I'm holding myself accountable the best that I can. I dropped some more weight, making total lost 14.4 pounds so far. It's coming off pretty slowly because I can't do a no carb diet. I have to take in at least 14-18 carb servings a day to balance my blood sugar. On top of that, I have a really small grocery budget and I'm still learning to meal plan around both of those things. Today I have to do a carb tracking sheet to turn in at my diabetes education class tomorrow night. I forgot and now have to play a bit of catch up. My diet is pretty much the same every day though so it shouldn't be too tough. 

Someone said they're hoping that I post recipes that I found to be delicious so I'm considering adding that in from time to time. Right now, I'm using prepared foods to work on serving sizes and the like. Still, I used to like to cook so maybe that'll be a good challenge for me. For now though, it's time to get myself working on some client work because I essentially took last week off. 

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Current weight: 306.6 pounds

Thoughts on My Father

 Yesterday, as I sat in a private room, draped in a gown, I got a text from my sister. She never texts me so I knew something was wrong. It turns out that my father died yesterday morning. I'd love to say that I burst into tears or had some "normal" reaction, but I didn't. I was pretty much numb to the whole thing. I spent every spare minute after trying to sort out my feelings...

Justin says that I don't need to try to untangle all of it, that he wasn't really a good part of my life so it's not surprising that I don't really feel anything. I do feel things though...

I feel sadness that he wasted 44 years of my life and 20/21 years of my children's lives by choosing not to make any kind of effort to be a part of them. Oh sure, he would pop up from time to time but he wasn't a regular part of our lives or even really a parent of any kind. He wasn't someone I could turn to and that makes me sad.

I feel anger because I've had to separate myself away from that side of my family because he was so toxic and make it so I didn't feel as if I could trust any of them. After all, "your father's family likes to drink and smoke (pot)." That wasn't an environment to bring up my children in and that put an even larger wedge between us because he thought that I thought I was too good for them. Not too good, I just wanted better...and to have ever had to defend that makes me angry.

I laid in bed last night and was thinking about the last time that I saw him. It has to be 9 years ago now or so. The boys and I were in my parents house, down in their living room. We had spent the day cleaning out my grandmother's house and my mother reluctantly let us spend the night at their house so that they could get my help the following day. I should point out that this is after she insisted we bring our own food because she wasn't going to feed us. I should also point out that I brought over enough really nice chicken breasts to feed everyone and they were mad at me because I didn't know how to use their grill to also prepare them for everyone. Yep, you read that right. She insisted I not only bring food, but I prepare it for everyone. Anyway, the food was ready and we three were waiting in the living room for my mother, father, and brother to get their food so there'd be room for me to make plates for myself and the boys. There was a pass through window between the two rooms and we sat there as my father said horrible things about me...how I was lazy, a user of people, and I don't even remember what else. It upset my children and it hurt me badly. My uncle had to "bribe" me to spend the night there so that he could get my help the next day. Of course, the next day, he didn't come through on his word and I discovered Roger had picked up head lice from their house. 

But that was the last time I really remember seeing my father. I expect that he was at my grandmother's funeral, but that day is kind of a blur. All I remember was that my children and I stood by ourselves before the funeral and were essentially ignored.

My father had ample opportunities to make any kind of effort. I haven't moved in eleven years. My phone number hasn't changed in basically that long. I'm on social media. He had numerous ways that he could have reached out. I can almost hear his family saying, "You could have reached out too." Yes, I could have but why should I have? He was the one who caused the damage. He was the one to start hurting me from the time I was a toddler and he let his girlfriend beat me and I'm pretty sure almost drown me in the bathtub. I have ptsd that stems from that and I've had to work hard to not have certain things freak me out. 

So, how do I feel now that he's gone? Sad, tired (so tired), angry...but mostly, I feel empty. There's a hole where a father should have been yet never has been and now never will be. Perhaps his three other children will mourn him, but I think I did my mourning in bits and pieces over the past 44 years. I don't have anything more to give him. As I said when I decided to go to my diabetes education class last night instead of staying home...He didn't take care of me in life, certainly won't in death so it's up to me to do what's best for me. 

Weekly Update: Overwhelmed

 I've spent far too many nights either crying myself to sleep or laying there with my mind running as fast as it can. I think everything just caught up with me. It's not that anything new has happened. It's more that I'm struggling with the changes that are happening. I'm struggling with no more than 4 carb "servings" per meal. It feels overwhelming to check everything that goes into my mouth. Today I went to the store and bought 4 donuts and ate 2 of them. I knew damn well that I shouldn't, but I wanted comfort food. I don't know if I'll eat the other two of them or I'll throw them out. I just know that I did what I did and I can't change it after I did it. 

Next week I start my diabetes education classes and while I want to be excited and ready to take on this challenge, I just don't. It feels like impossible work. I know logically that it isn't. People deal with this every day and they even defeat this. I could if I could get my head on straight, instead of bobbling all over the place. 

I'm taking 5 different medications right now. Three of them are for the diabetes. At least I can say that I'm taking those when I'm supposed to. It may be the only thing that I'm doing right at the moment. Even my two "anti-crazy" pills aren't keeping my brain on track. Oh, I'm sure that it would be worse without them, but I just can't seem to pull it together.

I have moments where I feel like everything is okay and that I can keep going. Then, I remember the diabetes and the potential for cancer. Granted, I know that the cancer is a small, tiny percent of possibility, but it isn't zero and won't be until after the biopsy results come in. Hopefully. I don't know what I'll do if that's truly added on. I suppose just keep going the best that I can. 

I've had the worst nightmares. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and I can't get to those I love before I die. I've dreamt that it comes back positive and we have to do surgery and after that, I'm rejected by my lovers. I know it's all based in fear and not reality, but I can't control where my brain goes when I sleep. Heck, I can barely control where it goes when I'm awake. Next week, this part should have answers at least and I can hopefully move past it and only have the one major medical issue to deal with. 

I stepped away from social media because seeing the posts about getting the vaccine or seeing others was just making it worse for me. It's been a year since I had a really good, long hug. Over a year, really. It's been nearly 18 months since I saw "the man" and even longer than that since I last saw Rob. I don't know when I'll see either of them. I'd drive the five hours to see Rob if I could just have a hug. Even if it meant, turning around and driving back the same day. I miss physical contact beyond belief and that's weighing on me too. I don't have anyone to physically turn to with all this happening. Never take for granted having that. 

I know that it seems counter intuitive to pull back from people just when I need them the most, but unfortunately, finding that I only have them for a few minutes online is hurting in some ways more than it's helping. There are a few that I will talk to if they reach out...Nick, Justin, Rob, Eric...but other than that, unless it's about work, I probably won't respond. I didn't just disappear though. I did a post saying that I was stepping away. Part of me hopes that this break will allow me to tackle some other things, but right now, it's more making lists and curling up on the couch and watching SVU marathons. I guess I need to learn how to be gentle with me and not expect me to be Wonder Woman every single day.

I love you all...please take care of you and each other.

Love,

Weekly Update: Dramatic Week

 Whew...I'm almost glad it's Monday again after last week. I posted that I was a good girl and went and had my annual mammogram. What I didn't expect was to get a call on Tuesday saying that they'd seen something and wanted me to come back in for an additional mammogram on my right breast and an ultrasound on both. Eek! Honestly, this didn't freak me out too much...Okay, it did freak me out some. I can't lie about it...people who dealt with me read this...

I'd never been called back for both before and it worried me. I mean, cancer is a big scary word and I was hearing it a lot in my head. So, Wednesday I went back for the mammogram. It was a tough one. They applied a lot more pressure and had me standing in ways that no normal person ever stands in. After taking more images than my original mammogram, the technician put me back into the private waiting area while she checked to see if more were needed. I waited in there, fussing and fretting for 15 minutes before she came back to tell me that the radiologist wanted more. Oy. When it was finally over, I took about a hundred deep breathes and went to Walmart and bought clearance LEGO...as if I need more, right?

Thursday rolled around and I went in for the ultrasound. The technician and the intern were both really nice and we chatted throughout most of the ultrasound. I guess I became so used to being a "guinea pig/learning tool" while pregnant all those years ago that having a male intern in there was no big deal. It's all medical, right? Anyway, she did very thorough ultrasounds of both breasts and I'm not going to lie. Her silence while she worked on the right one freaked me out. Afterwards? Back to Walmart, this time to buy Dylan's birthday present. 

Then it became a waiting game. On Saturday the results of the mammogram came back and said suspicious and that a biopsy was recommended. That scared the tar out of me. Typical me, I made jokes with the few people I had told. They all knew though. They know me well enough by now. I had nightmares of ...well...not getting to be back with Rob or "the man" ever again or being physically rejected by them if I had to have a masectomy. Crazy stupid I know. 

Yesterday I updated my "if I die" file which is basically like a will and I sent it to Rob and to Justin so they'd have it. By that point, I'd calmed down and realized it was probably all nothing, but I guess I wanted to be prepared anyway.

Today, the results of the ultrasound came in and it basically says there's a whole bunch of cysts happening and they're probably benign. I'm waiting for them to call me to find out what the next step is. It could be the biopsy or it could be come back in six months and we'll look everything over again. Either way, I don't think it's going to be super scary bad news, thank goodness. I kept thinking how will I handle both cancer and diabetes when I'm struggling just to handle the diabetes. It's good that I won't have to. 

...and that was my kinda scary week. I'm so glad it's over so that I can take a long, deep breath and get back to regular life.

Weekly Update: Squished and Squashed

 What a week, eh? I'm not even sure where to start. I guess back on Tuesday....

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and as much as I wanted to skip it, I went anyway. I'm not sure that my doctor is thrilled with my progress, but it is what it is. I lost 8 pounds and while it's not as much as I wanted, I'm happy with it. Of course, my eating went to hell for the rest of the week but I've gone grocery shopping and I can get back on track with that. She gave me another new medication to add in and I've noticed that something like 7-8 hours after taking it, I have horrible stomach acid issues. Hopefully that doesn't last. 

On Wednesday, I went with Roger to go look at apartments for next year. I'm not ready for him to permanently out of the house. The apartments were nice though and he and his roommate chose one and let the owner know that they're interested. I believe on Thursday he and his dad met with the owner and got the ball rolling on that. It caused me some severe anxiety because it feels as if he no longer needs me and I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that I raised him to be independent. 

On Friday, I went into town and picked up all of the medication that I'm now taking as well as some groceries. Nothing exciting, although I did get to spend time with Ben which I always love. I also bought Roger some pots and pans for the new apartment. Oh...and I finally gave Dylan his Christmas present. I haven't heard, but I hope he liked it. 

The weekend was quiet. I discovered Saturday that out of nowhere I'd started a heavy period. Of course, it disappeared on Sunday and reappeared today. I'm not sure my body really knows what's going on. I hope once I'm adjusted to all the medication, etc, things will balance out and no more bodily shenanigans will happen.

Today I went and had my annual mammogram done. It doesn't usually bother me, but today it felt like more squishing and squashing than in the past. My body is wonky so maybe things are just more sensitive. I'll probably get the results from that tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm not expecting anything out of the ordinary but it'll be good to get the official all clear for this year.

As for right now, I know this post is kinda...crummy...but I'm not feeling good due to the girl stuff happening, so I'm going to curl up with my blanket and watch some tv. Tomorrow I have a comic to proofread and I might work on my end of the year financial update as well as starting the new spreadsheet for 2021. Oh...and bringing in the new heated blanket that I bought at the store today...

Take care of yourselves and each other!

313.2

Weekly Update: Stressed

 I'm not going to lie. I'm stressed and not feeling well. Tomorrow I have to go back to see my doctor to discuss all things diabetes and me. I've been trying to eat better and keep track of my carbs. I've failed in there a few times, but overall, I think I've done well. I'm concerned that somehow I'll have gained weight instead of lost it. I'm worried she's going to make me start testing my blood at home. I've never been one that's good with huge changes and all of this feels really huge. She's not having me do a blood test before I come in so I don't know how she'll know if the medication is working well or if any changes that I've made have helped. 

Part of me is 100% freaked out again and part of me is trying to tell myself that knowledge is power and that the more I know, the faster I can work on fixing this. Right now, the first part is winning. When I went to see the dietician, they gave me a packet of papers to read through. I flat out told myself at that point that I would put that back until after the 1st because I knew the basics and really needed to focus on those and on the holidays with my kids. Well, guess what...today I have to read through that packet. It's just a bunch of papers so I don't know why I'm so scared. Sometimes anxiety makes zero sense. 

I do think that the medication has helped though. When I sleep, I'm really sleeping now, not just drifting in and out. Of course, I'm also sleeping 10-14 hours at a time. Starting next Monday, I'm going to start setting an alarm to get me up earlier. One step at a time, right? I also find myself more clear headed and able to get things accomplished. I'm not on the couch all day fighting exhaustion. This is good. 

Still, I worry. It's hard not to get lost in that anxiety. I find myself having to tell myself that I have to do something, like take the trash to the curb. It's an effort because my brain is so focused on what might happen. Things are getting done though. Each night I've been writing a to do list for the following day and things are getting marked off on it which is good. I've been keeping spaces clean (the living room needs a bit of work) and progressing the kitchen. I've been doing laundry slowly...mostly because I have to wait for each load that's hanging to dry before I can do another one, but it's getting done. Clean clothes are nice. 

I'm finding that I can enjoy my evenings curled up on the couch watching tv because things have gotten done during the day. I'm not staring around, beating myself up, because I did nothing that day. It's nice. Today I'll be reminding myself that tomorrow is about kicking this to the curb and whatever happens, I'll deal with it once it happens. Worrying about it beforehand gets me nowhere. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me and take care of yourselves and each other.

Weekly Update: Tongue afire...

 Man, I forgot to tell the fine folks at Subway to not add the additional Buffalo sauce to my sandwich after it was toasted. I don't mind the heat, but when there's that much on there, it drowns out the taste of everything else and leaves my nose running a bit...plus the mouth afire thing, but that doesn't so much bother me as much.

So, my little chickadees, how is everyone this week? Christmas is over and in theory, things have settled down. I say in theory because that's not so much the case here. I have a project that *must* be done in the next two days as well as another tidy of the living room and sweeping needs to happen. Now that I worked so hard getting it to okay, I want to keep it that way until I figure out how to downsize some more. I'll do a quick swish and swipe in the bathroom tomorrow so make sure that it stays up to par. 

I almost can't believe it, but I have two Christmas presents that still haven't arrived and show no sign of doing so any time soon. It's been eleven days since the last one's tracking updated and the other one was shipped without tracking. Hopefully they arrive soon. I've given up on my daily checks but will still check a few times each week. 

Christmas was good though. All the kids came over on the 22nd and we had pizza, watched a movie, and played Monopoly on the xbox. Then, the next morning, Molly joined us and we all opened gifts. I think everyone liked what they got. I didn't hear any complaints anyway. I got some great gifts...2 Lego sets, a new pan, and a Ninja Foodi Blender that we scored on clearance. I'm looking forward to having the kitchen in a place where my counters are clear and my floors aren't falling apart so I can use those last two. Now that the outside trash can is empty (again...that's 2 weeks in a row that I remembered!), I can haul out the Christmas trash and there will be room for more from the kitchen. It feels good to see so much going out and to see clear surfaces again. I really do wish I could figure out the living room. I know that it simply comes down to me having too many books, but I want to read them all...

Anyway, today Ben had his checkup at Mary Free Bed. He doesn't have to go back for six months and she's going to schedule him for a drivers readiness test to check his reflexes, flexibility, and all of that. We haven't told his dad and stepmom yet but while it scares me spitless to think of him driving, it's an important possible step in his independence. 

As for me, I have a doctor's appointment on the fifth. I need to message the office and see if I have to get more blood work done before that. I also need to do some research and find some meal options. I'm tired of what I've been eating and need to switch it up. 

That's all for today, I think...I need to get a move on before I run out of time for this project. Plus, I still have cats to feed, clothes to hang up to dry, and a never ending list like we all have. I hope your holidays were/are wonderful. Take care of yourselves and each other!

Weekly Update: Happy Holidays!

 Whew, we've made it to Christmas week. I can't believe that it's here already. This year has been so weird. On one hand, August seems like a year ago, but it feels like time is racing by at the same time. 

This past week has been okay. Nothing exceptional to report. I saw the dietician(s) for the first time and they want me to start carb counting and finding a way to exercise. I haven't done either mostly because it seems really overwhelming to add that in on top of everything else that's going on. I've decided to start next week once Christmas is over. 

I know that seems...irresponsible, but I've been good about my diet (or at least better) for the past few weeks. I am checking labels more and taking that into account. So, I'm not totally ignoring their advice. This weekend, I'll go over the packet that they sent home with me and try to use it for future meal prepping. 

Other than that, the past week has been about wrapping up my last projects of 2020 (one more to go) and cleaning the house. I've done the living room and while it's horribly cluttered, it is clean. After the holidays, I'm going to see if Roger will come over and help me load up things for Goodwill that are already boxed up. Then, I'll have to start another purge. 

The bathroom is done as well, other than the shower, which nobody will be using while they're here. Today, I have to tackle the kitchen and honestly, all I can say is ugh. It's a disaster and while nobody will be using it, the kids will be able to see in there and it's just not acceptable. The bonus of all of this? Once it's done, I can let the owner of the house know about one of the three big issues and get it fixed. The house will be good enough to have someone come in. I'll just have the laundry room to tackle and that's mostly mount washmore...

So, that's what I've been up to. Well, that and worrying that gifts won't get here in time. I already know that two won't be here which is so frustrating. I ordered everything in plenty of time, but the post office is so backed up. Heck, they aren't even scanning packages so I don't know where they are or when to expect them. I had one item ship from England on November 30th and there's no sign of it. It hasn't been delivered and the shop mailed it without tracking. I check the mailbox every day hoping that it's there and Dylan's big gift has arrived. So far, no luck on either. Ugh! 

I hate that two of the boys' main gifts aren't here. I hate that they're going to have to wait and watch others open their gifts. I'm holding out for a miracle that they get here tomorrow or Wednesday. For now though, I'm going to hang my few Christmas cards up on the wall and take my medicine before I forget. Then, it'll be time for round one of the kitchen.

Happy Holidays, everyone! Take care of you and each other!

Weekly Update: For real, Monday?

 Woke up this morning, had a plan for what needed to get done today. None of it...well, mostly none of it has happened so far. Why? My printer...and me. I needed to print out a client's check (aka my payment) so I sent it to the printer. My laptop says the printer is offline. I checked. It was on. Then...lightbulb. I hadn't used it since we installed the new network. Easy enough...I'll just update that. I did everything I could think of for an hour and got nowhere. Then, Roger suggested I just use my wifi hotspot on my phone and print it. Okay, set that up and it printed...but no black ink. It decided just to not use that cartridge. I think at this point I said a few words that didn't need...no, they needed to be said. 

Ended up going shopping with the boys and picked up a new printer that Ben picked up for me because why? I can't deposit my check until I can print it out. Managed to get a small discount which was nice. Came home, got it hooked up, ran the set up and that's when I realized that for that entire hour, I was leaving a number out of our network password on the old printer. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I decided to keep the new printer and I'll donate the old one. Seriously though...mostly user error the entire time? 

Anyway, all of that put me hours and hours behind today's list. So, I'm going to do the minimum...write this post, fill out the paperwork for tomorrow's doctor's appointment, and contact a client who reached out to me...then call it good. Heck, I picked up dinner on the way home and I haven't even finished that. The frustration is real, but it is what it is. I can't change it.

In other news, I heard from "the man" a couple of days ago. He thanked me for the Christmas gifts that I sent. It was a short conversation but felt awkward. I had hopes that he'd start messaging me daily, but no such luck as of yet. My messages are going through now though so that's something.

Speaking of Christmas gifts, I wish the rest of what I'd ordered would get here already. I have to ship one to Canada but it has to get here from England first. It's supposed to come this week, but at this point, I'm sure that it won't make it to Rob on time. How frustrating. I'd have ordered him something else if I'd paid attention to where this is coming from. Somehow I missed England. Still, it's an awesome gift that I think he'll like so it may just be a new years gift in the end. 

I have to see the dietician tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous because they kept saying with the referral written how it is, my insurance won't cover it. They said they'd take care of it, and I certainly hope that they do. I can't afford a medical bill on top of the holidays. 

But that reminds me that I have half a dozen pages of paperwork to fill out. I don't know if they'll weigh me tomorrow, but if they do, I sure hope that it's gone down with all the really yummy stuff I haven't eaten in a couple of weeks.

Love,

Weekly Update: Blurgh...

 I'm late today getting this written. I  made a big mistake last night. I was wide awake, so I stayed up until something like 2:30am watching Death in Paradise because the newest season has finally hit brit box. Then, since it was so late, I decided to sleep on the couch. Big mistake. This couch isn't as deep as my other one was I just couldn't get as comfortable as I needed to get. I slept in 2-3 hour stretches and then Ben started calling around 8:30am. 

Oddly enough, I've only been a bit tired today which is good. What's bad and led to blurgh being the title is that my stomach is reacting to my medication today. I've not had one day where it hasn't but it's mostly been a bit of heartburn or a wave of nausea. I haven't had the rush to the bathroom stuff for a few days...until today. Blurgh. 

I even had the chance to be "bad" and pick up some pizza for dinner but it was so bad that the idea of food made me cringe. Now, I'm home, in comfy clothes, writing this post, and have no idea what I'll do for dinner. I have a few options, none of which sound good at all.

Other than that, I'm doing okay so far as I know. I don't have any medical stuff until next week so that's good. I do have a few files to "pretty up" for Anthony which will put a bit more money in the account which is also good. Ben "graduated" from OT today so I don't know when I'll be going into town, which is good and bad. I won't be seeing Ben until I don't know when. I'll have to make special trips for groceries, but I'll be home to hopefully get everything cleaned up for Christmas. 

That's my big goal. I want to have the downstairs (minus my studio and the laundry room) done for Christmas. I'm not sure what day we're doing it yet, but I don't want the kids to come in and want to leave immediately because it's so gross. 

That reminds me. I have three packages at the post office that I have to pick up tomorrow. I have no idea what they are. They could be comics from Kickstarter or Christmas gifts that I've ordered. I'll go pick them up tomorrow and then, depending on how far along the house is, I'll get things wrapped this weekend. I also have to write my Christmas cards. House first though. That's number one. Besides, I prefer to sit and wrap everything all at once and I need to wrap up my shopping. I know what I'm getting. I just have to get the funds and then order it. Easy peasy, right? 

For now though, I'm going to put the few groceries away that I bought during a spell when I don't feel like I'm going to heave. 

Take care of yourself and each other!

Weekly Update: Hanging in there

 I was asked this morning how I'm doing and all I can say is that I'm hanging in there. This medicine is kicking my ass...literally. Main side effects: nausea, diarrhea, heartburn...I feel like a pepto commercial except pepto makes me even more nauseas if I take it. It is slowly improving, but I up the dosage tomorrow which worries me that I'll be back at square one.

I got to the point yesterday where I just wanted to cry about not feeling good. I just wanted to be wrapped up in one of those hugs where you just feel safe, but of course, covid, so that's not a thing. Still, I've been trying to do what I can.

Yesterday, I moved the Christmas tree from the kitchen where it's lived for the past year into the "wall" (aka the office/studio). The lights that someone put on it (We bought it from Goodwill last year already covered in lights.) aren't lighting up, so over this week I'll detangle all of those, check to see which strands actually work and then decorate the tree. I do need to pick up some more ornaments. I can't get to mine in the barn and only have maybe 8 from last year on it. I'm stopping at Walmart today so I'll pick up some more ball ornaments and maybe a few others. 

I also finished my last client project that's been sitting on my desk. I ought to be looking for new ones, but I really want to take the time between now and Christmas to focus on the house and preparing for the holiday. If something comes along, I won't turn it down because we can always use the money, but I'm not going to go searching. 

I'm almost done Christmas shopping which is nice. I have one thing for Ben, one thing for Roger, a couple of things for Molly, and something for Dylan and I'm done. It sounds like a lot, but they're all small things except for Dylan, who has still not given me any sort of list. I've threatened him with buying him nothing but ramen, but that doesn't seem to be phasing him. 

I still need to rebuild my card list. Last year's list is on one of my external drives. I need to find it and update it for this year. I've had a few people say that they'd like cards so I need to make sure that they're on the list. 

Overall, things are slowly coming together. It's not easy, but I'm trying to push forward and keep making little changes where I can. I've switched to wheat bread and Dylan gave me his old fitbit versa so now I have that to keep track of my movement. It still sucks, but hey, at least I have it verified that it sucks. Plus, the dietician called and they want to set up an appointment. I have to remember not to go in defensive. They're there to help me. I just hope I can make some of it happen. 

Anyway, that's life here. I've been super blessed that Eric has been messaging me to make sure I'm okay and to talk things through with me. It helps a lot. I've told very few people about this so knowing I have someone to listen is worth its weight in gold...or his weight in gold...heh..It's hard not to worry that I'm bugging people with this, but I guess the bonus of not telling a lot of people is that I don't have many to bug...lol. 

Okay, time to get back to life. I have just about 2 hours before I have to pop into Walmart, take Ben to his specialist, and pick up part of Molly's Christmas gift. I think I might see if I can get any of those light strands untangled and off of the tree. 

Take care of yourselves and each other!

PS 11 weeks

PPS 321 lbs.

Weekly Update: Well, here we go...

 I don't know how many of you read my "bonus" post this week, but if you haven't, I've been diagnosed with diabetes. That's a scary sounding word, but my doctor has assured me that if I get my act together and eat healthier, exercise, and drop some weight, it's totally reversible. So, you'll probably be reading a lot for a while about my attempts at those things. 

It's tough because I can't afford to just replace everything in my fridge/pantry. I have to eat what's here. Still, as things go, I'm not replacing some of them. No more buying muffins or cookies, for example. I have quite a backlog of cereal, but once that's gone, I think I'm going to try overnight oats. Once the kitchen floor is fixed, I'll have better access to my stove which will allow me to do things like cook eggs for breakfast. Protein protein protein is apparently the new name of my diet game. 

Speaking of the kitchen floor, I've created another schedule for myself which allows for at least 15 minutes of cleaning each day. I figure with that, it won't be too long before I can notify the owners about that floor. With really needing the ability to cook again, it's more important than ever to get that taken care of. 

Mostly, I guess that it's important that I'm only freaking out a little. I've let a few people know and they've been super supportive. Rob pointed out that I have support and love as I work on making these changes. That's so important right now. I need to know that I have people I can turn to on good days and on bad days. I've posted vague posts to Facebook about a health issue but I haven't gone further than that. The posts didn't get a lot of attention but the comments were supportive which was nice. 

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, went to the post office, and read over my list of things that I need to do today. There are a couple that I'm pretty meh about, but I need to stick with this schedule the best that I can. That means packaging up books to mail and cleaning even if I don't really want to. Does anyone have any idea where I put the packing tape?

 

Bonus Post: Diabetes

 Well, it's finally happened. My "inability" to take care of myself has led to me being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. My doctor assures me that if I lose the weight and start paying attention to my diet and actually get some exercise, that it's reversible. I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm at my heaviest weight and it's due to all of the crap that I've spent the past 5 months or so eating. 

I'm freaked though. I don't know how to fix this. Okay, I do. I mean, I lost 75 pounds in the past. The thing is...at that time, I had a place in my house to workout and a kitchen floor that didn't threaten to kill me whenever I step on it. Ben would tell me to stop making excuses and fix the problems. Really that's my only choice, but I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. 

I had to go and have more bloodwork done. I'm being put on medication. I might go see a diabetic nutrionist and she wants me to go see my eye doctor. I guess I'll have to call my insurance company to see if I can go before April because she doesn't want me to wait that long. 

I don't know, y'all. I'm super sad that I didn't love myself enough to prevent this. I'm not angry. I'm just sad. Anger is pointless and toxic when turned on myself. I haven't told anyone except Justin yet. I don't really want to make this a public thing, but I feel as if I need help. Even if it's just support and accountability. The reality is that I know I can't do it alone. It's going to take planning and preparation and a shit ton of house cleaning.

Maybe it's just as well that my editing jobs have slowed down. It may open up the time to work on the house. If I can get the house cleaned up, I can get the floor fixed. If I get the floor fixed, I'll be able to use my stove/oven again. If I can use them again, I can cook healthier meals. If I can cook healthier meals, it will help me to drop the weight and just get healthier. 

I have to go back and see my doctor in January. That's not a lot of time to get things in order, but I have to do what I can do. It's not going to be easy and I honestly expect that it's going to be a super big struggle, but if I did it before, I can do it again. I have to believe that, even when my brain says you're going to fail. That's exactly what my brain is screaming right now. You can't do this. It's too hard. You're going to remain fat and get sick and end up like Graham. Ugh. I do not want that to happen. I guess thank goodness he's pretty much shoved me out of his life. I'd hate for him to see that, but I need to be honest with myself. That's what's happening in my head.

So...I guess this weekend I add figure all this out to my list of things to do. I want to talk to Rob about it. I'd like to talk to Nick about it but come Tuesday it will be 10 weeks since I last heard from him. I've faced the fact that he's not there for me. He's not supporting me. Maybe I'll talk to Eric about it too. He's the only other person who knew about any of this. He actually wished me good luck at the appointment this morning. That was really nice. 

I don't want a huge support team, but I need a support team that I can rely on to support. And I guess that's that. I don't know what else to say about any of this other than it's stressing me out and it should be. I fucked up and I fucked up big time. Time to try to save myself because no one else can. 

Weekly Update: A Day Early

 I hope nobody minds, but I'm writing this on Sunday night instead of Monday morning. My week feels topsy-turvy and I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done. So, instead of taking my usual down time tonight, I'm knocking a few of the easier to move around things out. 

The biggest things on my mind are a couch and a doctor's appointment. The couch currently belongs to my ex-husband and his wife. They're upgrading their furniture and I've been offered the couch. As I remember, it's not the most comfortable of pieces of furniture (which is why it's been in the basement tv area and not upstairs) but it also isn't falling apart. I guess mine isn't technically falling apart. It's just that the fabric over the springs has torn so the cushion gets shoved down between the springs. Still, a free couch to replace one that I'm constantly having to "fix" isn't a bad deal, right? The problem is that a) I love how comfy my current couch is and b) the living room isn't in "replacing a couch" condition. So, that adds more work to my first half of the week. That stresses me out because I know I won't have it done when the kids come with the couch. Why? I have to projects to get through this week.

Second thing? Yep. That doctor's appointment. Normally I don't fuss over them, but I looked over my blood test results and my glucose is really high. High enough that it could explain the constant fatigue. Crap. I'm still going to ask about a lung capacity test but clearly this is a big sign that I need to get my shit in order. I've been terrible this summer/fall with eating out/ordering in and having entire meals that are nothing more than milk and cookies. Covid depression craves comfort foods and comfort foods are so unhealthy for me. 

Now we just got news that we're going into a 3 week mini-lockdown here. I'm sure if I look at social media, people are already complaining. I'm already over it even though it barely affects me. It means no sit down going out for dinner. Well, maybe that's not such a horrible thing for me. I have no idea how to fix my diet, but I'm going to start with the obvious...no more buying chips, cookies, and muffins. I can't afford to not eat what's here, but at least I won't be bringing more in. I'll cut back on the sugary cereal as well. There are healthier options, I've just been ignoring them.

So, stress...blah...In other news, I finished writing and formatting Apo's Army last week. That's good. I have three stories written for Back to the Toy Store - also good. I haven't written anything in at least four days - not so great. I'm like 10,000 words behind for NaNo. This may be the first year in about five years that I lose. I just don't have the stamina mentally to deal with the stress and to come up with brilliant stories. I've put write 3-5 stories in my to do list for this week, but we'll see what happens. First priority needs to really be getting the living room ready for the couch. I'm so over the clutter in here. I'm starting to consider getting rid of an entire collection of books that I have on a shelf behind the front door. So many new to me books come in that I rarely go back to the older ones that I have. On top of that, I couldn't tell you one that I really long to read again. Clearing off that shelf would allow for me to possibly empty out a box or two of books just taking up space in my living room. I don't know though. I do know that I'm going to have the boys haul the not yet built bookcase out to the street on Wednesday. One of the cats scratched the hell out of the box and ruined the backboard on the book. These are super cheap shelves and I can afford to replace them when I'm ready for them. Until then, it's just more clutter that I'm tired of looking at. 

Baby steps, right? If I can keep getting rid of things, it will clear out in here. I wish Ben could come back out. He's such a huge help and motivator when he's here. If I didn't think someone would bitch, I'd ask the boys to take some stuff back with them to drop at Goodwill for me. I can hear a certain one of them complaining though. Ahhh well...I'll figure it all out somehow. 

And that's what's stressing me out. I can either do this or it will trample me but I'll survive, so either way...it's going to be what it's going to be.