Weekly Update: God What a Week

God, what a week. Monday was okay, I guess...Well, no, it wasn't. On Monday, we realized that we didn't think Mittens was eating. We couldn't be 100% sure though. On Tuesday, when I couldn't coax her to eat wet food or tuna, I knew we had a problem and I called the vet. They were booked, but the vet herself called me back around 7pm that night. She offered to leave out antibiotics or I could bring her in the following morning. My gut said to take her in, so I did. I haven't really told anyone what happened and I know this is going to make me cry, but ...

When we got there, the assistant directed me to take her and wait under the gazebo. They don't allow humans inside the practice right now. A few minutes later, the vet came out and took her back to take her temperature. Just a few minutes passed before she came out and told me that Mittens had lost over half her body weight since they'd seen her just two years before. I knew she'd lost weight, but she's always been so dainty that I didn't realize it was that bad. She told me we could do blood tests, iv fluids, but there was only one or two things that she may recover from and she'd have to be treated for the rest of her life. I asked if we gave her fluids (she was severely dehydrated), how long before we'd know if they were helping. The vet told me that if I was planning on putting her to sleep if they didn't work, she'd rather I just do it then instead of having Mittens last day being poked and prodded. I knew then that there was no hope...my heart shattered when I told the vet that that's what we should do. She went in, gave her the shot, and then brought her back to me in her carrier. We sat there under the gazebo, the wind blowing softly, and her head bumping my hand for loves right until she passed. The vet came out and wrapped her in a baby blanket before taking her away. I went to my car and tried not to sob while it took both assistants to figure out how to bring me the flea meds that I needed for the other cats. Then, I went to Dairy Queen, got a cherry slush and cried my way back home.

That afternoon or maybe it was Thursday, a friend approached me about what had happened on a webshow that I'm often part of (or was..I suspect that's very over). He didn't know how to handle it and was super sweet about not wanting to bother me with it, but as we're both in the same line of work, it affected me too. My brain was mush from grief but I felt as if I had to make a stand. I posted a long post to Facebook that basically boiled down to "If you're an asshole, I won't work with you." I never called out anyone, said anything about the webshow or any of its hosts. It really wasn't about them. It was about me. It was about my career. It was about standing up for what's right. Hate groups, no matter the direction of the hate, aren't right. If you know me, you know hate isn't even in my vocabulary. It's an alien concept to me. I can't understand why anyone would hate anyone just because they're different.

I wish it had ended there. It didn't. People commented, mostly in support. One or two seemed thinly veiled but I let them go. I got private messages. One was from the guy who runs the network the webshow is on. He asked who had pushed me to write what I wrote. I told him it didn't matter, that I'd said what I'd said and I'd stand by it. I did tell him that there was some concern with one of their hosts. He defended the host. His choice. At this point, I was already unable to focus, half unable to form sentences due to the loss of Mittens and the ugliness that was rearing its head. I was leaning heavily on a couple of friends who were seeing what was happening.

I announced that I was slowly going to bring back Geek-o-Rama, a site that I've ran for over 8 years and got a not even slightly veiled slap out at me. It hurt. I won't lie. I had people who I considered friends turn on me. Why? Because I said I wouldn't work with assholes. If you don't know, there are a lot of assholes in the comics community. Some belong to a group called Comicsgate. I won't get into their details, but they're a hate group. Some who belong...well, it makes no sense, but they're like lambs to the slaughter or something.

Anyway, it was too much for me. I was crying constantly. I was angry. I was exhausted. Then, Friday night, just when I was praying it was all over and I was going to go to bed, a bat started swooping around my living room. I opened the door to let it out and two of my cats ran out. It was midnight. I couldn't find them in the dark. Hell, I was on my front porch in a tank top and underwear trying to get them back in. I finally did go put pants on. After 90 minutes, I managed to get both cats inside and locked up in the bathroom. I said fuck it to the bat and went to bed, shutting the 3rd cat with me in my bedroom. A few hours later, I woke up to find one of the bathroom cats laying on me. My door appeared to be shut. I honestly thought I had snapped, that I had lost my mind. I kept looking at him, looking at the door, trying not to freak out...and after a few minutes got up, realized my door was not latched, went downstairs to go to the bathroom and discovered the other two sitting on the table. Somehow they'd managed to open the bathroom door and then my bedroom door.

Yesterday, I woke up with a splitting headache and spent most of the day curled up in bed, sleeping. There was some more crap, but honestly, at this point, I don't even remember because it was three solid days of ugly. Ugly people...I kept thinking of Caliban and how he used to talk about how people would throw shit at you. Today, I still slept quite a bit but I'm happy to say that the headache is gone. I did have a run in with stupid though. Nick Gibson unblocked me so that he could refund me the $15 that I spent on his Kickstarter (see previous post about trouble in the industry). When I told him that I didn't accept money through Facebook, he told me too bad and that now me and my cronies could stop harassing him. The word cronies was quite the hit when I posted the screenshot. People wanted to know how they could become a crony. So much so that it's spawned a Facebook group for fans of me. I couldn't help but laugh at that one. While there are some serious assholes in the industry, there are just as many amazing people.

Now, I'm days behind because of all of this..and I probably still need a good and proper cry. I forgot to mention that DHS determined that I make too much money to get less than $200/mo in food stamps. I made $7600 in 9 months. It's insane and one more level of stress to deal with, but since they only work 9am-3pm, it'll have to be dealt with another day.

Right now, I need a good cuddle in the man's arms and a chance to unwind...since the first won't be coming for god knows how long, I'll just have to put in another movie and try to relax...

Weekly Update: Soooo Sleepy...

I think that I forgot that socializing takes energy. On Saturday, Roger and I drove two hours to attend the birthday party of the son of some friends of mine. We were there for hours, socializing and hanging out. Yesterday, I took two naps. Today I just want to either go pick up our kittens (more on that in a bit) or nap. I don't want to work. I don't want to be productive. I just want to lay here.

Now...kittens...Some may know that about 19 months ago, I had to have my cat, Byron, put to sleep. That boy was my best friend. I've not really gotten over him being gone. We have four other cats, one of which I got after he passed. I've not had any real desire to get more. After all, doesn't five cats make you a crazy cat lady? Then, someone I know posted about how they had a mama barn cat that had gotten hit by a car, leaving five black kittens behind. They brought them into their house and were taking care of them until they were ready to find homes. I felt my heart getting all soft and mushy. I have a weakness for kittens. I have a bigger weakness for black kittens. Byron was all black and the best cat I've ever had. I decided that I wanted one of these kittens. I didn't tell anyone for a couple of weeks. I thought maybe I could talk myself out of it. I couldn't. So, I told my youngest. He seemed okay with it. I told a close friend who said he thought it was a good idea. Even my oldest just kind of sighed. Then, I thought maybe I should get two...they're already bonded and I'm not sure if my older cats will want to play, etc with little ones. Roger agreed so long as certain things were done around the house before I went to get them.

I'm not going to lie. I paid him and his brother to get those things done. Well, I paid Ben and he helped. I've paid Roger and he's mostly watching YouTube videos on my tv. He needs to get up and get stuff done. I heard from the guy with the kittens today and it sounds like they're ready to go, but his wife's dad is dying so he's not pushing her on rehoming them. I get that. I wish he'd just tell her that he has someone coming to pick out a couple of them and then I could go get them. As it is, they took in two abandoned kittens last week. That's a minimum of seven kittens in their house. I don't know if they have other pets. Seven kittens is a lot of chaos.

Anyway, that's the kitten thing. As for me...I'm super tired, super want to take a nap, and am feeling a bit down but nothing like I was. I hope that's a good sign that things are looking up. I guess only time will tell...

Weekly Update: Reclaiming Me

This will have to be a short post, I'm afraid. I have to leave soon to go do something that's just for me. I have an appointment this afternoon to get my hair cut. I never cut my hair. I leave it long because "the man" likes it and I mostly don't care. It's been long most of my life. After today's appointment, it won't be. I'm having at least 6-8 inches taken off. When I get depressed, I stop brushing it. There's some natural curl to it so it starts to knot. This time, it'd been months since I brushed it out. It took me an estimated 4-6 hours to brush out all of the knots and snarls. I ask myself why I'm writing this where others can see it...I guess because this is my reality.

It's been no secret that I've been struggling for a while now and I'v decided that if I can't properly care for long hair, I shouldn't be having it. It's not a punishment, more of a self-care item. Not brushing it becomes something very stressful for me. If I cut it shorter, it will be easier to maintainer. Besides, hair grows. It'll get longer again.

After that, I have to go grocery shopping. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks and I have nothing more than a box of cereal to really eat. Time to fix that.

After that, maybe I'll come back and post more here. I'd like to, but we'll see where the day takes me.
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I'm back! I did it. I walked into the salon and told the woman to have her way with my hair and oh boy, did she! I think she had to have cut 8-10 inches off of it. I'm kind of in love with the new cut though and it's going to be so much easier to maintain. When I shake my head, I feel my hair moving, not acting as an anchor. I don't know if I'll keep it short, but for now, it's fantastic.

If you look close, you can see a comparison of where she'd cut and what was still hanging down in front long.

This is just some of the hair that ended up on the floor when we were all done. I snapped this quick so I didn't get multiple angles or all of the area.

The finished product! Like I said, I kinda love it. I don't know what it will be like without the product in it but I do know that it will be a lot easier to maintain and that I'm also kinda proud of me for just going and doing it. I was nervous, but I knew this would be something good for me and I did it.

Right. Enough about my hair, even if it makes me smile. As you may notice, by the fact I'm actually smiling, things are better today. I have enough work to keep me busy for most of this month and enough money to pay my car tags. Usually when that bill shows up, I panic right up until the last minute. They're not due for about 6 weeks, but once I'm done writing this post, I'm going to pay them. That feels really good.

Let's see...what else is happening? I'm adopting a couple of kittens either this coming weekend or next. I'm not totally sure. I'm waiting for their foster dad to give me a date. He rescued them from his barn when their mum was hit by a car. There are a total of 5 of them but they're planning on keeping two or three of them. Roger says I have to have most of the downstairs cleaned before we go get them so I guess that will be my motivation. I've decided if one of them is male that I'm naming him Aziraphale to keep up with my literary cat namings. If it's female, I have no idea and I have no idea for a second name. I'll come up with something though. I mean it would be weird to not name it...just call it noname cat... Then again, the No Names are my favorite monster in Nick's comics...I don't think the kids would go for it though.

Life feels okay today. I'm slowly digging myself out of the hole that I created for myself and I'm hoping that I can continue to do so without another major backslide. Oh! I forgot to say that I also ordered and picked up my prescriptions today so I can make sure to get back on track with those. Woot! It's another babystep, but an important one.

For now though, I'm going to get some work done while I'm feeling productive. Take care of yourselves and each other, okay?

Weekly Update: Ups and Downs

I wanted to come in here today and tell you that everything is alright, but it's not and I don't want to lie to you or to myself. Things aren't okay. I go outside of the house and it's easy to pretend that they are. I guess having years of experience has paid off. I talk with people and nobody knows that as soon as I'm alone again, it will all come crashing down.

I've cried so much this week. Most of the time I didn't even know why. I find it harder and harder to hold back when I see something that bothers me. Facebook is really hard because I need to not lose it there. I can't call people fucking morons when those are the words in my head. I've posted a couple of posts that were rawer than usual and it's been okay, but there's a difference between people wanting you to be honest with how you're feeling and you putting it right there in their faces. If I can't reign it in, I'm on a crash course to having no career. Sometimes I just have to close my laptop and watch tv...but nothing I need to invest in because I can't pay attention for that long. My show of choice lately has been Law and Order: SVU. It's an hour with a lot of brain breaks (commercials) in there.

Last night was hard. Yesterday was hard for no discernible reason other than my brain hates me...and it's always a little bit worse at night when you're more alone and it's harder to hide from your demons. I came across (by accident) a podcast done by Nick Gibson, the man who had harassed me, who had lied to me. I told myself to leave it alone, but I couldn't. I watched all 42 minutes of it. I screamed at my phone at the lies that he told, at the compliments that the host gave him. When he said that he had intentionally not send out my replacement book and shrugged it off, I stared in shock. I kept telling myself to turn it off, even when I started to cry, but I couldn't. It broke me, but not because of him.

In the grand scheme of my life, he's a nobody. In the comics community, he's less than nobody, no matter what he claims. People aren't flocking to him to buy his books or to tell him how great he is. I've seen his social media. He's invisible. His only true fan is himself and I doubt that he's even that. I doubt he loves himself. So often we treat others the way we have been treated or even how we treat ourselves. Often, it's the way we want to be treated, but I think it's far more one of the first two for him. It's sad really that he's never been shown the proper way to treat people and when he was, he lashed out and abused that.

I've written here before about my rape. I've mentioned my parents and their behavior. When I'm depressed, demons appear that I thought were long gone. This whole thing with Nick was like the key to Pandora's box. It opened it up and suddenly I've been dealing with things that ought to be done and over with. I feel incredibly fragile, as if I could break at any moment. I long for someone to just hold me and tell me that it will be okay, but there's nobody here to do that. I'm on my own. Some have tried to reach out to me and I so appreciate that. In those moments, I feel stronger. I feel as if this won't swallow me whole. They're the reason that I'm not in bed, but instead am on the couch writing this post.

I may be in tears, but I'm still here...

Going Away...

I think I'm going to go away for a while. To say I'm struggling is an understatement. I've been pretending that everything is okay, but it's not. I've been taking care of others and ignoring what's happening to me. I go on podcasts and I smile and I laugh, hoping nobody notices that I haven't brushed my hair in over a month or that I'm wearing the same shirt that I had on three nights ago.  I correct other people's books but I haven't written anything in months. I'm lonely but don't want to talk to anyone for fear they'll realize what a loser i really am.

I don't remember my last shower. I don't know if the tan on my arm is from the sun or a build up of grime. As I write this, I can feel people being horrified and walking away in disgust.

As I lay in bed writing this, I'm forced to acknowledge that if my bathroom weren't downstairs, I wouldn't get out of bed. Once down there, I stay there because it's easier than going back up the stairs. I go grab dinner because I'm afraid that at some point, I'll be unable to make myself leave.

I see signs of it everywhere... from the scattered Lego to the unwashed laundry...I'm falling apart and I don't know how to save myself. I take what I have and I give it to others. I'm literally putting a piece of me into everything I work on.  I wonder when I'll run out.  I look at my Facebook posts and sometimes wonder if people can tell...

Every thing feels like a big thing and every thing leads my brain down a path of other bad things. I lay in bed at night and relive my mother's abuse, my father's neglect, every broken heart, every time I've felt invisible or not appreciated.

I don't know where I'll go.  Maybe just offline. Nobody wants me with them. I'd be horrible company anyway so I can't blame them.  I don't know if anyone will notice that I'm gone or not answering messages...

I don't know a lot, other than the water calls to me...

Take care of you, my few loyal readers...

Weekly Update: I think I'm sick

I don't know what's caused it, but suddenly the numbers for this site have massively dropped. Maybe I'm just not very exciting..lol. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for those of you who have stuck around.

This past week has had its ups and its downs. On Tuesday, I released my first book into the world. It seems to have gone pretty well for being a nobody writer and not doing as much hype as I should have. It's weird and exciting to see people posting pictures of the book as they're receiving it. I'm saving all of those pictures so I can use them in the future, even if it's just to show myself that I did it.

Tuesday was also my 5th anniversary with "the man". We didn't do anything for it which was a bit disappointing. I had hoped he'd send a card or a gift or something. Five years feels like kind of a big deal to me, especially with how our relationship is. I still need to get his gift out in the mail. It's sitting here on my couch, just waiting for me to address the box and take it to the post office. I really need to get on that.

Another small down for the week...someone jokingly commented that I need to be the center of attention and it had me in tears. My mother used to say that to me, usually before she slapped me. It's been said that I work a lot in the background and that I do a lot without people ever noticing. Lately though, I've wanted credit for my work and it's stung when I see people liking other people's things, etc but when I do the same thing, it's essentially ignored. I think it's not wanting to be the center of attention, but more wanting to be acknowledged, to feel as if I have value. Anyway, I let one joking comment ruin my entire day as I sat around questioning if I really was/am a horrible person.

I think I've come to realize that I'm in a depressive episode even though I don't feel the down emotions. My house has become a disaster again. Even my youngest pointed out that maybe if I got it cleaned up, I wouldn't feel so bad. I make plans for doing things, but then I can't seem to make myself do them. I actually paid my youngest to help me knock out a couple of bigger projects. He's right. It does help to know that they're done. There's still so much more to get done though and I don't seem to have the willpower to get to it. I get up, I work, I eat, I watch tv, and I sleep. That's essentially my life.

On top of all of that, I'm sick. I don't think it's Covid or anything scary. I have a headache, I'm exhausted, phlegmy cough, watery feeling lungs...sounds like July in Michigan for me. It's made it harder than ever though to get anything accomplished. My plan for today is this post and working. I have to work. I feel as if I'm behind so maybe even though I should just go to bed, I need to keep pushing. Luckily, it's a really good book from a series that I love so it doesn't feel as if I'm slogging through it.

Wow, this post is a total bummer, isn't it? Let's hope that things start perking up and I find my mojo again.

Weekly Update: Ugh...

So when we last left off, I had posted about my experience with Nick Gibson. Life has been interesting since then. I've had people question why I kept talking to him when he couldn't further my career (implying that if he could further my career, I should have put up with it) and I even saw one person calling it a revenge post and possible cyber-bullying. All I can do is shake my head. I wrote the post as a warning to others and since then, I sleep with my doors locked. Yes, I'm afraid of retaliation. After all, he called the police on a friend of mine who vocally criticized him and his actions.

But, I want to move past that. It's just one piece of my life and I don't want to live within it. I said my piece and I'll "happily" talk about it if asked, but my life is continuing onward and I need to move with it. Tomorrow, my book is officially released and I'm full of nerves and excitement. I love this book and I really hope that others do too. I really want for it to do well.

On top of that, the Kickstarter is still running. We need about $1200 to fund and there's 11 days left. I know that it's possible, but it gets nerve wracking. With all of this, I'm amazed that I sleep at night. I do though...even if it takes me a while to fall asleep. I think the cats know because over the past week or so, one of more of them will come to bed with me and curl up where I can reach them to pet them. They can be royal pains, but I love them.

Let's see...what else...I'm busy with work which is good. I'm behind on a client's book which isn't good but I'm hopeful that I can catch up and have it back to him tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow...in the middle of the book launch...Ahh well, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.

I guess that's it. I had a million thoughts before I sat down and then they scattered. I think there's just so much going on this week that I'm having trouble keeping up with myself. I'll get through this though and come out the other side. I may be sweating and clutching desperately at a pen but I'll make it through.