One Week Later...

Writing is hard when you're going through a depression. Actually, it's not...writing publically is hard. I wonder how long until people tell me to stop whining and get over it. I wonder a lot of things, actually. I wonder if anyone will read this. I wonder if anyone cares. I wonder why I feel the need to use the word actually a lot...

Then, I tell myself to take a deep breath and just write. After all, I'm not trying to lose weight for anyone other than myself. Sure, I hope that people notice, but that's normal. I don't know a single person who has struggled for something and then despises that people noticed. In the end though, I'm doing this for me because I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to have people look at me and go oooh, look at her. I'm just as pretty as anyone else on this planet, after all.

I feel as if I ought to apologize because I can tell that this post is going to be disjointed. I guess that I'm assuming that someone out there will read this. So, if you're that someone, I do apologize. Depressions are tough for me and right now, I'm smack in the middle of one. I described it this morning as being full of a lot of sad. I'm sad that someone I love doesn't seem to want our friendship right now. I'm sad that someone else I love has gone quiet on me, just when I got spoiled by our daily talks. I'm sad that today is my baby's thirteenth birthday and I'm not with him (though I will call him later). I'm sad that my house is still in shambles and the progress seems so slow (yes, I do know I can change that). I'm sad that I need sinus/tonsil removal surgery and I can't have it because there's nobody to take care of me. I'm just full of a heck of a lot of sad and it does affect the things that I do and try to do. I could use some extra support and encouragement, but there aren't many I can lean on right now because everyone is fighting their own battles at the moment.

I'm still here though and I'm still taking those tiny steps. I managed to stick to my goal of one bottle of water a day for the past week. On a few days, I even got in two. I'm noticing that the more I drink, the thirstier I become. I think that's my body catching up and going oooh, she's giving me something I need. I'm also dealing with more breakouts, etc as I'm guessing toxins are slowly being pushed out of my body. Yay? Why does nobody warn you of these things? They just tell you how much nicer your skin will be, etc. Warning, you may go through a period where your body freaks the hell out before you start seeing the good!

I'm proud of me for making sure that I met my goal for this past week. It was a small one, but an important one in this journey that I'm on. For this week, I'm going to increase that amount to two bottles. I know that's still below the daily recommended amount, but too much too fast equals me not doing it. Plus, this gives my body time to adjust to each change which I think is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, I even went so far as to consider some forms of exercise. Once the snow melts and it's not dangerous to be outside, I'm going to start walking again. It's something that I can do right here in the village and something that I actually kind of enjoy doing. On top of that, I actually got up the courage to step inside of a gym and get some information. Right next door to our new favorite game store is a Planet Fitness. After the boys had spent their birthday money, we went in and took a tour and got membership information. The price isn't bad and they do have a lot of options for things I could do. The only real downside is that it's about a thirty minute drive away, but then again, so is every other thing. I think I could get into the habit of going, it's more wondering if I could afford the gas money that it would take to go over two days a week. I also still have my top secret exercise idea and I'm trying to figure out if I have the money and the courage to do it starting this coming weekend. It's something I could only do every couple of weeks (when the boys aren't with me). I want to..but will my want overcome my fear? That's the real question...

Well, now that I've wrote and wrote and wrote (and trust me, I could keep writing), I guess it comes down to this...Did my drinking 24oz of water a day make any difference last week? I weighed in this morning (and will weigh in every Monday morning) to find out..I wasn't expecting much, but there was a change.  I'm down 1.6 pounds! It's a tiny number, but it's my number and it puts me that much closer to my first goal. In fact, I'm now less than 6 pounds away from that first goal. I don't know how long it will take to get there, but every ounce counts.

Starting Weight: ---------
Weekly Weight Gain/Loss: -1.6
Total Weight Loss: -1.6
Daily Water Average: 24oz.

Starting Over - It's All Part of a New Me

Today is the start of a brand new journey...or another chapter in my ongoing journey. Really every day is a new page, every year a new chapter...

Today though, I start over. I've spent the past 9 months taking care of me in other ways. I got brave and I went to the doctor and told her to "give me the works." My pap and breast exam came back clean. My cholesterol was high so I was put on meds for it. She sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist who determined that I need sinus surgery and my tonsils out. I'll be calling tomorrow to schedule that because one way or another, even if I have to beg someone from Canada to take me and then put up with me for a few days, I will get it done. I'm tired of waiting. She asked me about breast reduction, which is something that I will most likely also be pursuing. The one thing that she didn't badger me about was my weight. Yes, it was commented on but there were more important issues...like my mental health ones. Since then, I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and Bipolar II disorder. I'm on a low level anti-depressant to help.

All of this allowed me to start regaining control in other areas of my life. Slowly, but surely, I have tackled rooms in my home and created functional spaces that we all appreciate. I'm not quite at the halfway point, but I'm still moving forward. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my children...one who can shut off the voices that demand that there are a million things to be done and allow her to sit down and play video games or even make plans for the future with her children. My house is cleaner, my van is 2/3 of the way clean (the cold and snow got me before I could finish the center section) for the first time in years, my barn has even come a long way. I planted things this year and delighted in watching them grow and caring for them. I've watched my boys bloom in ways that as a mother delight me and scare me all at once (after all, they are both teenagers now). I've come a long way.

Now, it's time to take back control of my weight. I just spent a week with one of my closest friends on the planet. I've watched from a distance as he's dropped the weight. It wasn't so long ago (not even 2 years), that I stood in his house and listened to him go on about how amazing I looked because of the weight I had dropped and how wonderful we were both doing. I didn't hear that this time. I heard how amazing his weight loss journey was and is...and trust me, I don't resent that even one tiny bit...it really is amazing how he's done and I am so, so proud of him. However, I didn't hear him tell me that I'm pretty or beautiful or look great. Even when I wore special things for him, he didn't even notice.

I should clarify that the reality is that it probably had absolutely nothing to do with my weight but it hit home with me. Just like it hit home to hear it stated that there were doubts that I could climb stairs or even walk any amount of distance. I'm so isolated from the world here that I had forgotten what it felt like to have assumptions made about me due to my weight. It hurt. It wasn't meant to. It was a comparison in his journey from where he was to where he is..and a warning to me that it might be difficult. Still, it was a harsh reminder of how far things have come with me...

and the truth is...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being seen as less than I am because of what I weigh. I'm sick of not being seen as sexy, but only as intellectual. I'm proud of my brain, but damn it, a compliment now and then or being told I'm sexy certainly wouldn't hurt. I'm sick of my own excuses. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of it all...and more than a little angry. I'm angry at myself and in this journey, I've found that when I get angry, I make changes. There's nothing wrong with a good healthy anger so long as it's pointed in the right direction.

So tonight, I let it point me in the direction of the scale. No matter what number it said, I wasn't and I'm not beating myself up over it. It's a number. It's a starting point and it will change. The next time Rob sees me, he's going to see less of me. He's going to see less of me and maybe he won't notice, but I'll know and at the end of the day, it's my health and my life...

It's time to make some changes and tonight, I start with the first round. In no particular order, the following are happening:

• I'll be weighing in each Monday morning to track my progress.
• The last of the soda has been drank (the boys and I had the last of it for root beer floats earlier today) and I won't be buying any more.
• Each morning I'll be filling my water bottle and each week, increasing the amount that I drink each day...starting with just one bottle and building my way up.
• I've moved my medication to my bedside table so I have no excuse not to take it if I forget before coming up for the night. 
• I'll be reaching out to friends who have lost quite a bit of weight for advice and recipes.
• Starting next week, I'll be meal planning again to help get my eating habits back under control.
• I have an idea for some exercise but it's still in the planning stages and I'm not quite ready to reveal what it is.

Not huge steps, but ones that keep me on the right path and that get me going again. I don't expect to drop 150 pounds overnight, but I do expect to drop it. I can do this. If there are those along the road who will help support me and encourage me, it would mean the world, but even if I'm in this alone, I know I can still do this.

Recipe: Shrimp Scampi

Ingredients:

4 teaspoons olive oil

1.25 pounds medium shrimp; peeled and deveined

6-8 garlic cloves, minced

1/2 cup low-sodium chicken broth

1/2 cup dry white wine

1/4 cup lemon juice

1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon minced parsley

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper

4 lemon slices (optional)

1. In a large nonstick pan, heat the oil. Saute the shrimp until just pink, 2-3 minutes. Add the garlic and cook, stirring constantly, about 30 seconds. With a slotted spoon, transfer the shrimp to a plate; keep hot.

2. In the skillet, combine the broth, wine, lemon juice, 1/4 cup parsley, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil. Boil, uncovered, until the sauce is reduced by half. Spoon over the shrimp. Serve, garnished with the lemon slices and sprinkled with the remaining tablespoon of parsley. 

Serves 4.

Per Serving: 184 calories, 6g total fat, 1 g saturated fat, 219 mg cholesterol

Recipe: Cod with Parsley Sauce

Ingredients:
1 cup low-fat (1%) milk
1.25 pounds cod fillets, cut into 4 pieces (if you can't find cod, try halibut, grouper or perch)
4 teaspoons reduced-calorie margarine
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 cup low-sodium chicken broth
2 tablespoons minced parsley
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper

1. In a medium skillet (over medium heat), heat the milk. Add the cod and poach, covered until fish is just opaque in the center, 4-5 minutes. With a slotted spoon, transfer the fish to a platter. Be sure to reserve the milk.

2. In a medium sized saucepan (over low heat), melt the margarine. Add the flour and cook until bubbling (about 2 minutes). Remove from the heat and whisk in the milk and broth. Add the parsley, salt and pepper. Return to heat and cook, stirring constantly until the sauce thickens (about 3 minutes). Pour over the fish.


Serves 4.

181 calories, 4 g total fat, 1 g saturated fat, 63 mg cholesterol, 456 mg sodium

Recipe: Shepherd's Pie

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon reduced-calorie margarine

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 cup low-sodium chicken broth

1 teaspoon reduced-sodium soy sauce

2 cups cubed cooked chicken breast

2 carrots, sliced and blanched

1 cup chopped cleaned spinach leaves

6 scallions, chopped

1/2 cup thawed frozen corn kernels

1/2 cup evaporated skim milk

1 teaspoon dried thyme leaves, crumbled

1/2 teaspoon ground marjoram

3 medium russet potatoes, cooked, peeled and mashed

1 tablespoon grated Parmesan cheese

1/4 teaspoon paprika

1. In a medium nonstick saucepan, melt the margarine. Sprinkle with 1 tablespoon of the flour; cook, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Whisk in the broth, soy sauce and 1/4 cup of water; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring constantly until thickened (3-4 minutes). Preheat the oven to 400; spray a 2-quart casserole with nonstick cooking spray.

2. In a large bowl, combine the chicken and remaining tablespoon of flour. Stir in the carrots, spinach, scallions, corn, milk, thyme, marjoram, and the sauce. Transfer to the casserole. Top with the potatoes, spreading to cover the filling completely. Sprinkle with the cheese and paprika. Bake until bubbling and the potatoes are golden brown. (30-35 minutes).

Serves 4.

Per serving: 268 calories, 3g total fat, 1 g saturated fat, 51 mg cholesterol, 209 mg sodium

Recipe: Beef Stew

Ingredients:
4 teaspoons olive oil
1 tablespoon minced onion
1 tablespoon minced carrot
1 tablespoon minced celery
1 pound beef round, cut into 1.5" cubes
1 cup chopped canned plum tomatoes, with juice
1/2 cup dry red wine
1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme, or 1/2 teaspoon dried leaves
1 bay leaf
salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
8 frozen pearl onions
2 carrots, peeled and cut into 1" chunks
4 medium potatoes, peeled and cut into 1" cubes
1 cup thawed frozen peas
1 tablespoon minced flat-leaf parsley
1 tablespoon minced mint

Instructions:

1. In a medium nonstick Dutch oven or heavy saucepan, heat the oil. Saute the minced onion, carrot and celery until translucent, 5-6 minutes. Add the beef and saute until browned, about 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes, wine, thyme, bay leaf, salt and pepper; bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer gently, partially covered, stirring occasionally, about 45 minutes.

2. Add the pearl onions, carrots, potatoes and 1 cup hot water. Cook, covered, 40 minutes.

3. Stir in the peas; cook 4 minutes, then add parsley and mint and cook 1 minute longer. Discard the bay leave.

Serves 4. Serve with salad, fresh baked bread or biscuits.

Per serving: 356 calories, 8g total fat, 2 g saturated fat, 51mg cholesterol, 511mg sodium, 41 g total carbohydrate, 7 g dietary fiber, 25 g protein, 75 mg calcium

Jim's Week in review ... the post spring break edition

So, today is the final day of spring break. Spring break is ... well, it is fun. It is also my worst nightmare. Let me explain. I am a mindless snacker. If I am home, I will snack, pure and simple. It doesn't have to do with being hungry, it has to do with habit. It is a habit I am trying very hard to break. I can think nothing of watching something on TV and munching on a bag of chips or pretzels. As a matter of fact, I really AM thinking of nothing while I am doing it. So my main defense has been to not have those snack foods in the house.

Spring break, however ... well, it kinda queers things. I had my first family barbecue of the year during spring break this year. My brother and sister and their families came over, we fired up the grill and cooked up a storm. Chicken breasts, dogs and burgers (both beef and turkey). I limited the other items to veggie trays. No creamy potato salads and no pasta salads, both of which are absolute diet killers. My sister makes an awesome salsa, though. However, there is always an abundance of chips and pretzels at a barbecue, and now those are just sitting on my counter.

Add to that, there was Easter dinner yesterday, and I was invited to a Palm Sunday dinner last week. then during the week, I was on the go alot, so there was a lot of eating out. Needless to say, I didn't do so good this week. Have you ever felt like you were losing the same three pounds over and over again? I have looked at my posts since starting to blog here and realized I have been fluctuating between 275 and 272 most of the time. My trip to the scale today found me at 275 again. Over the next few weeks, I am sure I will lose down to 272 again, then end up messing up again. I really need to start thinking thin!

Well, back up on the horse ... time to drink water, stop eating and start exercising again ... and until Friday, I hope that you, gentle readers will do better than I have been. Anyone with a few ideas on how I can break the habit of mindless snacking, please drop a comment. I could use the help.