Thursday, April 26, 2012

Being Appreciative

I want to start this post out by thanking those from Mamavation who stopped by to leave their comments. I appreciate the support. Support is something that's been so very important to me over the past few months and yet, the ironic thing is, I've pulled back from a lot of people. I can honestly say, it wasn't personal. It was/is a defense mechanism. I was/am dealing with so much that I just didn't have the energy to deal with ...well, being who I normally am. So often, I spend a lot of my time listening to and trying to help others and during this period, I just didn't have the energy. I know that looked as if I don't care. I do care. I care deeply for the people who are in my life. I sometimes care far more than I should because that same level of care isn't returned. That's who I am though and I would rather take the risk of caring than not. I know that over the past few months I haven't been the best friend a girl can be and while I could apologize for that, I won't. Sometimes life happens and sometimes life runs you over, then backs up over you and runs over you again. That's been my life the past few months.

Because of that, issues that I thought were dealt with cropped up again. Outrageous levels of insecurity for one.  I've always been insecure but over the past few weeks, it's been at an all time high. I know that part of that is that there's someone new in my life and he came in at a point where my life has been insanity and the demands on me have been insane. With everything happening, I've been not only physically but emotionally exhausted and it's been harder to silence the negative voices inside my head. He's good for me though. He's seen me at some of my lowest points and he's still here. I flat out asked him if he wanted to be stuck with me even though I'm all sorts of levels of crazy and he said yes. How sweet is that? Like I said, he's good for me. He makes me laugh through the tears. He tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful. Yeah, I'd like to keep this one around. I just need to convince him of that. ;)

Combine high levels of insecurity with high levels of exhaustion and you get where I've been food wise for the past month or so. It starts out innocently enough. You're just too tired to eat. The effort isn't worth it to you. Before you know it, it's as full blown as it was for me on Monday. I'm better today. I've actually eaten 2 meals a day for the past 2 days. Eating at night is easier. I think that's a habit that goes back to my college days when I was living on a king sized snickers bar and a glass of orange juice. A roommate caught on and started making me mac n cheese and watching me eat the entire box myself. It's more of an issue during the day where I get busy, don't watch the time and so don't bother. I've made the effort though for the past two days and yes, eating has been hard and after, it feels like a lead weight in my stomach but that's ok. I know I need to do it and my body will readjust again.

I worry vaguely about the weight gain that might come with me eating again but if it does, it does. I know how to lose weight in a safe, sane and consensual manner. (bdsm joke anyone? no?) I can lose any weight I put on and the reality is that it's better to eat and gain a little back than to starve myself and end up a sick shell of who I really am.

I want to thank those who stopped by and gave me your support. Even happy thoughts on the internet are still happy thoughts. I won't lie and say bing bang boom I'm all better. I'm not. It will be a while before I can easily eat 3 meals a day. That's ok. Life is a journey, one step at a time and while I won't be seeking professional help with this, I understand the suggestion. I know the problem and I am beyond blessed to have two men in my life who won't let me fall. One makes sure that I have food to eat. He bullies me some and that's ok. The other reminds me to laugh and tells me how proud of me he is when I do the littlest thing. It might sound selfish, but it helps to know that there are people who are worried about me. I don't like these guys to worry but I am always honest with them. They know the good days and the bad days and through out both, they remind me that they think I'm beautiful and that they're proud of the woman I am and the things that I do. Right now, that's what I need. I just need love and support.

I'm not asking for anyone to fix me. Fixing me is up to me. I'm not helpless. I can choose to give in to the negative voices or I can fight. Some days the fight will be easier than others. I know this. Some days, it will be all I can do to drink some juice and eat a few bites. Other days, will be easier. Either way, I can do this. I have the love and support that I need. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world right now and I'm not going to waste that by wasting away.



Glad you have a support team to back you up. I know I felt that same way about food, but I didn't start losing weight until I started eating again. I hope you can work through it and get to that place of enjoying food. Huge hugs.


Support is necessary to move past the dark spots in life. I know that feeling too. You have support IRL and online. You have people who adore you and love you just for being who you are. You've done so much for me emotionally....I hope you know I am always here for you too.

Anjanette @MommaYoung

So glad you felt our hugs... I mean support. :)

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